Category Archives: JUice

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/11/16

1. Brett’s drunk and sexy. 

The song is obviously a banger and the video gives the ladies what they want: double the Brett. ALSO a pure bonus is the fact that Brett’s brother makes a cameo and is equally as sexy as Brett. Two thumbs up and fine holiday fun to the Eldredge brothers. I wouldn’t mind being the meat in that sandwich. Too much? Too little? Just enough?

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2. Adele’s Got Flow

What did we learn on the latest edition of Carpool Karaoke? Adele misses her mouth just as much as I do when drinking. *Stars, they’re just like us* She’s a closet rapper. She kind of talks like Eliza Doolittle. I want to be her friend…especially if she gets drunk and hands people money. Also James has got some pipes apparently? Even Adele was impressed. PS OF COURSE IT WAS RAINING IN ENGLAND. Double PS, Posh & Nicki approve:

 

3. Oscar Noms are Accidentally(?) Racist.

Click here to see full list.

The nominations for the most boring and lengthy awards show ever have been announced and apparently it was a little heavy on the whites. I can’t comment to any of the nominations specifically because I watch movies like The Duff and have not seen one single flick in the running. However, if Leo doesn’t take home the W, we strike. (JK I’ll never strike. I’m much too obsessed with myself to ever starve the world of my opinions during awards season.) Anyway, back on topic, the lack of diversity among nominees just guarantees us some edgier and “funny because it’s true” material from host Chris Rock. Don’t let us down, Chris. Also pls try to tell inapprops jokes without swear words or else we’ll be forced to listen to the bleep button all night again like a bunch of preschoolers.

4. Chelsea Does Drugs.

Watch trailer here.

Chelsea Handler ended her talk show on E a couple years ago so that she could sign a deal with Netflix for standup and an original series, where she apparently just tries different things each episode. Unfortunately, the first one is where she literally just does drugs. I think it’s time to call it a wrap on my girl Chels. I’ve read all her books and used to religiously watch her show but like c’mon, I don’t need to see her do hallucinogens. Plus, that little nugget Chuy is nowhere to be found creepily calling her Miss Chelsea. No thanks.

5. Friends Reunion-NAHT.

Friends

It’s a REAL slow news week, and therefore I’m going to rant so hard. Hey everyone on Facebook, this is not a real Friends reunion. Some of the actors from Friends (and Will & Grace) are gathering to talk about a director and that’s that. If I see one more Buzzfeed or status about how everyone’s peeing their pants in excitement for a Friends comeback I’m going to lose my shit. Friends isn’t coming back. I want you to think long and hard about what you’ve done to not make this happen.

unagi

RIP 1D (for real this time…probably.) Remember them fondly through this music video, handpicked by the biggest directioner I know.

 

Also since I feel so bad about this week’s JUice being mud, please accept this adorable vid of dog BFF’s hugging as a consolation prize:

 

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/4/16

HEY GUYS. Welcome to 2016. I took two weeks off from the JUice to properly shove Christmas cookies down my gullet and lay around in my PJs. ‘Cause that’s what the holidays are all about. You know what the holidays are NOT about? Having your family fat shame you and then suggest a weight loss competition. Thanks for ruining Christmas, G Family. Anyway, we’re back and better than ever exactly the same. New year, same Salty, yo.

1. Barstool is taking over the world, as they should.

I’ve been reading Barstool Sports since I was in high school (shout out to the bro-in-law for introducing me to the smut world at a young age)…and now I’m old. So it was pretty cool to see that this website and these bloggers that I’ve been fangirling over for so many years have taken steps to become a massive national brand. I didn’t know what blogging even was before Barstool, so ifso factso, they invented blogging. They’ve essentially been my source for news for the past 7 or 8 years, and I’m not even a little bit embarrassed to admit it. I can’t wait to see what they’ll do with an HQ in NYC and many more resources. But most of all I’m anticipating what will happen when they end up merely blocks away from Buzzfeed.

 

2. Yeah? Yeah.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that Making a Murderer quickly became that new hot shit over the holidays for Netflix binges. Although it’s not for everyone (there’s reading involved), I would highly recommend it not just for the juicy police corruption content–but more importantly for the accents and midwestern culture. I literally felt like Wisconsin was on another planet as I watched this–courtesy of my sister’s Netflix account because I am nothing if not a Grade A mooch. (Thanks Lexi) There’s nothing worse than having show FOMO. Start watching so we can LoL about Brendan Dassey giving a written criminal confession with the word “bombfire” in it togets.

3. Magic Mike 3 is a must-see. 

I’m kind of torn now. Do I like Channing’s original pony dance? Or do I like his wife reenacting it and forcing a lap dance on him where she pretends she has a big dick that she’s aggressively swinging at his face? I don’t know what to think. All I know is that was entertainment. Certainly triple makes up for Channing doing “Let it Go” and ruining my life forever. I can’t even see the screengrab of him as Elsa without getting it stuck in my head. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! WHEN WILL FROZEN DIE AWAY FROM ME FOREVER? PS nothing is more obvious that Lip Sync Battle has absolutely nothing to do with lip syncing anymore than having two professional dancers on the season premiere. Double PS: need a new host, stat.

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4. Fuller House is a real tease.

These new pics were released because Netflix is going to milk the shit out of owning the Full House comeback. As they should. What have we learned from these stills that we don’t already know? Kimmy’s style has evolved from a light up dress and neon socks to cat cardigans from Urban Outfitters. Steph dresses like a hooch. And DJ looks like a kewl mom. And of course, good to see that they couldn’t buy a bigger couch to fit the rest of the fam on when they come to visit probably every day. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Danny lives in the attic apt and Joey still lives in the basement. Jesse and Becky have a mansion elsewhere, obviously. They’ve served their time sleeping on a bed that folds up to the wall.

5. Queen B usurps her Halftime Throne. 

BEY

It has been confirmed that Bey will grace us unworthy ones with her presence at the SuperBowl halftime show with Coldplay. I don’t think I need to remind anyone how epic her halftime show was in 2013. As if we didn’t already know how big of a deal Beyonce is, they somehow got her to appear during Channing’s “lip sync” of Who Run the World for .2 seconds, flip her hair, do one booty shake and abruptly leave. That’s how little Spike TV can afford Queen B. So you can imagine what it might cost for her to casj drop by the SuperBowl. Anyway, I’m officially excited for this year’s halftime show…I will be 1000% less excited if the rumors that Bruno Mars is also popping in are true. Don’t ruin a good thing.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/14/15

HEAVY video week. Hope you have headphones at work 🙂

1. Fuller House Sets the date!

After teasing at this show for months and months salivating over what characters would come back and where to set our expectations…we finally have a short trailer and release date. Look, I went into this reallllll nervous with PTSD flashbacks to the Boy Meets World-Girl Meets World transition. But Netflix knew that. And so they tugged right at my heart strings with the Miranda Lambert song and flashes of the iconic house. There’s even a Comet 2.0. Now I’m amped. February 26th can’t come soon enough. (If you want to get even more excited, check out my blog about what characters NEED to come back HERE.)

2. 1D Gives us 1LastGift. 

Before going on hiatus for (ever?) a while… 1D gives us the gift that keeps on giving here. Everyone who reads my blog knows that James Corden could do carpool karaoke with a rock and it would be my favorite thing ever made. Obviously he’s been trying to squeeze his way into the band for some time now and this was no different. Props for his rap segment. Also sucks to suck for the double L sandwich in the backseat. With the amount of greasy hair flipping that Harry did in addition to wailing every high note I’m gonna guess it’s not gr8 to be roadtrip buddies with him. Harry rides bitch like nobody else. Ain’t nobody gonna stop him from shining.

3. Jason Derulo is Magic Mike.

I know that music videos aren’t that hip anymore and not a lot of people like watching them but if you don’t watch 30 seconds of this and walk away impressed by Jason’s dance swag then we can’t be friends. I saw him live this summer (fo free, yasss) and he put on a SHOW. He didn’t stop moving the entire concert and it was beyond impressive. It didn’t hurt that he took his shirt off and flaunted those washboard abs either but whatevs. That’s why he’s Magic Mike IRL. I can always appreciate a fresh dancer because my moves begin and end with a side step and a head bop.

4. Will Ferrell as New Santa.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Fallon clip on the JUice and it seemed right this week. Will Ferrell is constantly popping up on the show in weird costumes and doing random bits but this one made me giggle a little. As a “modern” santa (that gives off Guy Fieri vibes), Will talks about his love of Smashmouth while he fires off a t-shirt gun. Oh Santa, you’re such a bruh.

5. WOOK AT DA WITTLE BABIES.

A normal Friday Night Lights throwback pic is the best of the best. An FNL throwback pic where Riggins is wearing a silk shirt haphazardly buttoned? Game changer.

BONUS: Merry Christmas from the most beautiful Royals ever to exist.

royalchristmas.jpg

 Have a nice weekend. Something, something, May The Force Be With You…

JK go see Sisters this weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/7/15

1. Nominations for everyone but Omarion singing about buhholes.

It was nomination week apparently as the noms for Grammy’s, Golden Globes and SAGS were all announced. What’s to be noted about the Grammy’s? Omarion went on a Twitter rant about how this song:

A song with the lyric “But he’s gotta eat the booty like groceries” got snubbed by the most prestigious of musical awards. Who would’ve guessed. (PS I wish Omarion was still singing bump bump bump with the rest of b2k. That was fire flames beats.)

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Obviously Tay dominated the noms, see full list here!

Golden Globes & SAG‘s (Click for full lists) didn’t peak my interest as much probably because I’m uncultured and watch trash TV and hence don’t know a lot of the shows/movies nominated. Props to Amy Schumer for sneaking Trainwreck into the mix though.

2. A BFF superteam debut.

My heart was aflutter when I saw these pictures. I love Blake Lively. I love Taylor Swift. And now that they’ve found each other I couldn’t be more obsessed with their union. Everyone else in the ever growing T Swift squad can kick rocks compared to Blake. THEY TOOK A SELFIE WITH A ROO. Hey guys, I cradled a baby roo…can I come too?

 

PS As if Blake Lively could get ANY cooler, she posted this gem today:

#tbt to when Serena Van Der Woodsen and Brandon Walsh were a thing. (Shh don't tell @robynlively 😊😉😝)

A photo posted by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

3. Chanel #5 will never ever die.

chanel5

Dirty Dancing will be the next live musical act and they’ve cast their baby and I am horrified. After watching this season of Scream Queens and questioning EVERY DAMN WEEK why the worst actress and character in all the land, Chanel #5 narrowly escaped murder, the LAST thing I needed to hear is that she’s snagged a beloved lead role. This time around, I hope they put Baby in the corner and throw a blanket over her for the whole show cause YIKES.

4. The Sims are still a thing?

Carly Rae Jepsen released a song in Simlish. AKA the gibberish that the Sims speak. I’m downright shocked that this is still a game. It was kewl when I was like 11 and playing computer games where you could make the characters have sex was scandal for days. But kids now have like apps for porn and shit…I don’t really see the intrigue with building humans to say and do dirty stuff anymore. Also remember when One Tree Hill tried to make Sims relevant again by having Jamie create a virtual Dan and Uncle Keith “to be friends in cartoon Tree Hill.” Laughs on laughs.

5. Ryan Gosling 4ever.

RyRy hosted SNL last weekend and didn’t disappoint for his first time around. I very rarely watch the whole episode and I did this time and laughed at almost every skit. A lot of times because Ryan caught a case of the giggles, which was adorable but also because the skits were solid too. This was obviously the best for Ryan’s giggles but performance-wise I think we know who dominated here.

Bonus:

What an AGGRESSIVE post breakup move by Ben Affleck here. It’s one thing to have a tat here and there on your bulging muscles. It’s a whole other ball game to turn your entire back into a colorful Phoenix like you’re Harry from 1D.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/30/15

1. British Invasion SuperBowl.

LONDON – SEPTEMBER 27: (EMBARGOED FOR PUBLICATION IN UK TABLOID NEWSPAPERS UNTIL 48 HOURS AFTER CREATE DATE AND TIME) Chris Martin of Coldplay with singer Beyonce Knowles attend the after party following the concert by Jay-Z at The Royal Albert Hall, at Movida on September 27, 2006 in London, England. (Photo by Dave M. Benett/Getty Images)

Before the news broke that Coldplay would be doing the halftime show this year, they released a song with Queen B (Listen Here.) Now that I think about it he was probably buttering up the Beyhive (all of America) so we would be more accepting to the halftime show news. Look, if I can’t have Taylor Swift (and we all know she deserves a halftime gig) then I will settle for Coldplay. They’re good shit and as long as they don’t allow gorillas to dance around the stage, I accept.

2. Sandra’s New Nugget.

sandraandlaila

Sandy adopted a little girl named Laila and now she’s got two kids and a silver fox boyfriend so like obviously her life is fabulous. I actually don’t have much to say about this gossip because I don’t love children a whole lot but I’m just happy that Sandra is winning life after all that drama with her dirt ex-husband. People don’t forget, Jesse.

3. MK Gets Married.

mk

Last weekend Mary Kate Olsen married bro of French pres, Olivier Sarkozy, who’s pretty old. I’m obviously going to need a little time to cope as 1/2 of my childhood twin idols married a French geezer and had bowls of cigarettes at her wedding. When did it all go wrong? Also lolz to the fact that I’m assuming this is Olivier’s child pictured below and MK is the same height/looks like she’s the same age–the only way you can tell them apart is the way that MK is clutching onto that cigg with a death grip.

mkandolivier

Here’s to many more years of creepy pictures and dark cloaks that smell like stale smoke, you two! (I assume that’s almost exactly what was given for a toast…it’s like an enchanting nursery rhyme)

"In the blink of an eye." Congrats MK. X

A photo posted by John Stamos (@johnstamos) on

4. Princess Charlotte is precious.

Because we’re all so obsessed with the Royal fam, they were like I guess we’ll throw those trash Americans a bone and released new pics of Charlotte around Thanksgiving. She is quite literally the second most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. (First born George takes the W, obv.) If Will & Kate had a Facebook I don’t even think I’d hate it if they posted a daily photo of their kids like I do when everyone on social media whose ever birthed a child does. THAT’S how perfect their babies are. Highest compliment I could probably ever give.

5. Harry gets Tatted on TV.

1D goes on the Late Late show to play Tattoo Roulette and obviously they make it REAL dramats trying to make you think that it’s possible James or tat-free Niall might have to get inked. Realistically you know from the start it’s going to be Harry because he gives 0.0 F’s and has a trillion tattoos already. Yet it was still pretty entertaining to watch.

Also leave it to James to have Billy Crystal just chillin and get a member of 1D to sit on his lap:

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/23/15

1. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Sing.

It has been announced that Friday Night Lights will go the musical way much like The OC and Cruel Intentions AND Scott Porter will play Coach Taylor. No. Thank. You. Look, FNL is the stuff. It’s the greatest show ever made and Coach Taylor is the best football coach in the world. WE DON’T NEED TO SING ABOUT IT. I have a low tolerance for breaking into song mid-sentence and I’m not seeing how a show that featured roughly 2 songs the entire series could ever make song and dance believable in the story line. ALSO Kyle Chandler is Coach Taylor and Coach Taylor is Kyle Chandler. No one else should ever utter that famous phrase, regardless of if they’re a Dillon insider or not.

2. Grease Live first peek.

I realize the contradiction of shitting all over a musical above and then hyping this one but Grease is a STAPLE. How else are girls going to learn that wearing leather pants and red lipstick while smoking a ciggy will ALWAYS get you yo man? Anyway, the cast looks gr8. I mean Julianne Hough is pretty much perfect for Sandy. Even Vanessa Hudgens surprised me as Rizzo. There’s a strong possibility that I watch this to see how it plays out chemistry-wise. Here they are hand jivin it up to get you on board.

3. Magic Mike Wedding.

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello got hitched last weekend and in a surprising move, Sofia posted all wedding photos on her personal Instagram. Boss move by her to be like hey it’s my wedding and I’ll do what I damn please with the pics. She obviously looked bangin body-wise but I’m not fully understanding the concept of the wings on each side of her dress. Anyway, I can only assume that there was PLENTY of stripping between her hubs and Channing and I’ll just let that fantasy play out in my mind a little further if you’ll excuse me.

A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on

A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on

A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on

 

4. Little Saylor Girl.

Saylor James Cutler was born today at 132pm!! 🎀💕

A photo posted by Kristin Cavallari (@kristincavallari) on

SAYLOR. JAMES. KRISTIN’S NOT EVEN REAL HOLLYWOOD AND SHE JUST DROPPED THAT HOLLYWOOD NAME. Don’t worry Bristol Palin also called dibs on it and needed to make it clear that she picked it first and isn’t a total poser. K, Bristol. Thanks so much.

 

5. Hello…

Because you can’t go five minutes without hearing Adele and also because my family made it a new tradition yesterday to just keep whispering Hello….over and over again. Here’s the British powerhouse with her classroom toys version on Jimmy Fallon.

BONUS: TIS THE SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/16/15

1. David Beckham is the Sexiest Man Alive…and I approve wholeheartedly.

Last year I was fresh on the blog scene and I wrote a scathing disapproval of People’s choice. I stand by it 100% to this day but I have also never hidden my love for Becks and therefore I support him taking the W this year. The Beckham family is legit one of the most attractive families on this earth. The kids won the genetic lottery and David defines DiLF. I’m actually shocked that he hasn’t won the title yet…I can only hope that the people over the past 20 years who never chose him have subsequently been fired for their poor decision making. Anyway, if you want to watch the original unveiling via Jimmy Kimmel and laugh at how long it took his live audience to guess the man, please see below.

2. Charlie Sheen is no longer winning.

charliesheen

So…yiiiiiikes. Charlie Sheen announced this week on the Today Show that he’s HIV positive. I mean, something tells me that when you publicly go off the rails, bang a bunch of hookers and do a bunch of drugs, you MIGHT catch a waft of the ole HIV. I bet he probably regrets being a real asshole to the world and yapping about how he had tiger blood running through his veins. Hindsight is 20/20. You know what’s bananas? I’ve been doing transcription of interviews about HIV and Hep C and I learned something new. Surprising, right? You probably thought I knew everything. But anyway, you can contract Hep C from sharing a toothbrush. A TOOTHBRUSH.

All this HIV talk has also sent me down memory lane to high school when Dan Davis, HIV positive motivational speaker came to my high school and scared the SHIT out of a bunch of kids whose idea of going crazy was stealing some of mom’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade and swigging them in the basement–not doing intravenous drugs. Obviously times have changed now, but in like 2004, a guy with a ponytail telling you that he could wipe a drop of blood on the seat in front of you and twenty years later someone could touch it and get infected was absolutely terrifying. He scared well. WHAT A DAD. (That very long sidebar was for the benefit of my fellow FM’ers..I also found a very ratchet video, should you want to hear his famous line IRL, FF to 31:36 here )

3. No Soup for you.

joel

After 22 seasons, (SHIT!) Joel McHale’s version of The Soup has been cancelled and the last episode will air December 18th. I’ve never actually popped a bag of popcorn and sat down to watch The Soup every Friday (?) night–I’m guessing no one else did either and that’s why it’s getting cancelled, but any time I happened to catch it on TV it was hilarious. There’s something about a network full of Kardashians allowing a man to eviscerate them for how stupid they are that brings a smile to my face. Joel’s mockery of foreign soap operas, The Bachelor, trashy MTV shows and his own network will absolutely be missed. Now that there’s no one to keep E! in check, I’m assuming the Kardashians will buy it.

4. Merry Christmas from SNL.

amytina

Santa will be coming early this year in the form of SNL hosts. Ryan Gosling will be hosting on December 5th, allowing us to drool a little extra over him since he’s casually been in hiding since the birth of his child. And the holiday episode right before Christmas on Dec 19th will be hosted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Hallelujah, Christ is born. Obviously this will feature the comeback of many old school SNL peeps because ratings, and I wouldn’t be surprised if JT snuck in there. Jus sayin. Set your DVRs.

5. First look at Ben the Bachelor.

The Bachelor released their trailer for the upcoming season with Ben Higgins, one of the most boring contestants I ever had to watch. He better spice it up for his own season. Although judging from this trailer, it looks like the producers took that job into their hands by delivering him twins. Ew times a thousand, ABC. Be grosser. The 1, 2 debut of identical twins from the limo was so tacky that I half expected Ben to say hubba, hubba. “Group hug?” wasn’t much better. As always I will be recapping the mayhem and possible fantasy suite twin threesome so stay tuned for THAT.

BONUS: They finally turned my life into a movie.

 

DOUBLE BONUS: Joseph Gordon-Levitt DID the damn thing as Janet Jackson. That choreography. Whoa.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/09/15

1. Missy is bringing music videos back.

Missy was obviously always releasing bangers back in her heyday but she was also known for her extravagant videos with dancing and makeup and weird shit happening. Now that she’s officially BACK (and it’s about damn time because it’s been a century since she ripped the halftime show right out of Katy Perry’s claws) she is bringing the art of the music video back with her. This video had cartoon makeup, lifelike puppets, PhunkeeDucks, etc, etc. The Queen is back, betches.

2. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

Props to Alanis for being in on the joke that is “Ironic”. It’s like raaaaainnnnnnnn on your wedding day! Not anymore though, now it’s like they announce a new iphone the day after you buy it. That’s 1000x worse than a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. Jus sayin, the Apple FOMO is real. James is quickly becoming my favorite late night host to make an ass of himself in front of celebrities too. He crushed the end solo.

3. Sequels on Sequels. It’s like releasing the same movie with a “2” in the title, 10 years later. And isn’t it ironic? Sorry. That song is still in my head and also I find it annoying that sequels with this much time between the first and the second movie are still happening. First up is Finding Dory, aka Finding Nemo about Dory. Dory has short term memory loss and wants to find her family or something. Finding Nemo is 12 years old. Seems like this would’ve been a great idea like no more than 5 years after the first one was made so it was still fresh. But whatevs, I’m not in the movie biz so what do I know.

Next up is My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Not going to lie, I 100% thought that the parents in this movie were dead now. They were old in the first movie (made 13 YEARS AGO) and if this trailer proves anything it’s that Hollywood people apparently live forever. That was a dumb sentence but I stand by it, and also I’m in a hurry to finish the JUice because I’m hungry. It’s been a whole five minutes since I’ve last eaten something. ANYWHO, everyone is older in this movie and there’s a new generation of Greeks that are embarrassed by their family. It’ll still be funny judging by this trailer and I’ll still watch it but like originality points are 0.0.

4. I love dem bad girls.

This was on last week’s SNL and it DIDN’T have Trump in it. Win, win. I’ve always been partial to these newer SNL skits with all the females acting ridiculous–the popular songs that they released about going home for the holidays were gold. Even though this isn’t their original song it’s still a perfect skit for anyone who can relate to being a pretend badass. For the record, I always ask for a water cup at Panera and then put water in it. They give you clear cups so THEY’LL KNOW IF YOU STEAL. I’m not a savage.

5. The Rock is the man and he knows it.

Apparently The Rock has a girlfriend and she’s real preggers. The hashtags say everything you need to know about The Rock.  JUST OVER HERE MAKING BABIES AND STUFF! I imagine when his girlfriend broke the news that he upturned a table and shouted YEAH. ALL DAY. ALL DAY, BABY.

BONUS, another Hills wedding…

The most tolerable of Hills characters, the classiest of Teen Vogue, Whitney Port got married over the weekend and looked like a beaut. There were no stories about Hills cast members attending the wedding because she’s a real human who separated herself from the show and only appeared once in a while to look shocked and over-pronounce her “ing” words. Anyway, she looked cool, fun and trendy on her wedding day and I approve. I wonder if Lisa Love would though?

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/2/15

1. Ohhhhhhh, ah, ahhhhhhhhh this is ALLL THATTT, this is ALLLL THAAATTT. The OG cast of ALL THAT! reunited recently at Comikaze and I didn’t recognize anyone but Laurie Beth Denberg and Kel soooo yiiikkkeessss. But they were really excited to be famous again for a hot second and they all sang the entire theme song, originally done by TLC of course. Some of them also made an appearance at Comicon in October to throw it back to their famous characters and tell stories from back in the day so it will only be a matter of time until someone ships an All That official reunion or revival. One person we know won’t be joining in is Amanda Bynes, for obvious reasons. Also it’s been 20 years since the premiere of All That so bye, I’m ancient. I sincerely hope that piece of JUice was vital information for your every day life.

2. Say Hello To Your Friends…Babysitters Club. 

I feel like there will never be a week where I don’t include 90’s reunions because it’s all the rage these days. Sarry not sarry bout it that the 90s were the shit. Your favorite kid-loving, business-minded girlies reunited in Austin, TX this week. Why? Oh, cause it’s also their 20th anniversary….woo00oooff. They all cuddled around each other and reminisced on the days when they spent a whole summer playing with snot-nosed kids. Who would ever choose that. But anyway, noticeably missing was Claudia–did they freeze her out because she almost didn’t pass that science test? (The brain, the brain, the center of the chain.) The girls are seen cozying up to Cokie Mason, so I guess they settled their differences with her. More importantly what does Logan look like now? Is he still a dreamboat. So many questions, most will never be answered. Oh, awkward, I guess one of my questions was just answered by the below tweet. HOW DO YOU LOSE A HUMAN?

3. Jason Derulo is on even when he’s hungover. 

Leave it to Jason to be clubbin it up until 6am and still be on fire with energy and charisma the next day. James Corden takes singers out for carpool karaoke every once in a while and it’s pretty much always hilarious but it’s not a secret that I have a monster crush on Jason Derulo and if you also do, then this 10 minute video is must-see-TV. When I’m in my car alone I like to refer to it as a concert and you better believe I’m hitting every high note. When someone else joins me in the car I immediately tone it down to whisper singing obviously because they haven’t paid the proper admission for my angel octaves. The fact that James Corden is driving with the actual singer of the music he’s listening to and he’s not holding back is awesome. No shame. Except for maybe those orthopedic sneaks he’s rocking during the dance scene.

4. Good news for your whiny emotional 13 year old self.

Good Charlotte is making a comeback. It’s possible that you might be thinking they have a more mature sound now that they’re both married adults, one with two children. Nope they sound exactly the same as the two whiny bitches who sang about murdering a girl’s boyfriend so they could be together. If you ever went through an emo punk rock phase in middle or high school you will rejoice in their new song. Here’s a peep at the chorus: “Like I’m dying tonight and the whole world is laughing, like everyone I love has gone away.” It’s such a shame that AIM doesn’t exist anymore because that would be a perfect away message for a rainy day…ending of course in LIFE’S A BITCH AND THEN YOU DIE. If you’re feeling like you might be a little too old and more emotionally well-adjusted with life to join Good Charlotte on their second musical journey, feel free to look back on the top angsty hits of your past years with my killer playlist here!

5. RHOBH New Season is Upon Us. 

And the most interesting part about this trailer is Gigi Hadid & Joe Jonas canoodling. No. Seriously. Not even Andrea Bocelli announced in YoYo’s fabulous accent could distract from the 1 second of teenage superstar interaction. Since everyone wanted to murder Brandi and her only ally on the show went back into rehab, we are down two characters which means of course that we will have two separate staged “hey thanks for coming over everyone, I want you to meet my friend blah blah blah, I think she will get along great in our group.” One would think after so many different cities and season of the Housewives franchise, Andy would have found a better way to assimilate new cast members into the group they’re being paid to hang out with on camera, but whateva. I will be recapping until I want to stab my eyes out. At least I still have my girl Yo to keep me sane.

BONUS: Becky & Jesse are forever the cool aunt & uncle.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/26/15

1. Jeets ends his bachelor days, illegedly.

derek-jeter-hannah-davis

On night one of the World Series that Jeets could not POSSIBLY be a part of because he heart-wrenchingly retired last season and left us with A.Rod–YUCK–the news breaks that Jeets and Hannah Davis are engaged. There was a lot of buzz about the timing obviously and also the fact that it should’ve been Minka, poor girl, but overall the most important thing to note is that neither of them have confirmed it and therefore we must treat it as a rumor for right meow. Although if it WERE to be true, I’d argue that although Jeets is hot, I think I’d be more inclined to bang Hannah Davis…since everyone was begging for my opinion. Anyway, I wish them nothing but the best as they MAYBE get married and retire to Florida.

jetah vs. hannah-davis (no contest)

2. Happy 1st Birthday, 1989, and thus The Salty Ju.

Not even being sly about it, nothing brings me more pure joy than the fact that I forever linked the birth of The Salty Ju with 1989 and therefore can milk it for all its worth. Either way, Taylor went all pop exactly one year ago and I think it’s safe to say it was a successful year for her. To celebrate, she gave us an acoustic performance of Out of the Woods. Equally as successful and profitable, my need to word vomit my salty opinions on pop culture began one year ago with my first blog being a track by track recap of 1989. Not to take anything away from my girl Tay, but I think we are all aware that I became internet famous this year, by my own declaration. For example, sometimes when people google porn they find my blog. Still haven’t figured that one out yet but I’ve managed to stay humble about my fame and that’s all that matters.

3. Jimmy Fallon shouldn’t have hands.

If you’ll recall Jimmy basically amputated his ring finger over the summer and after surgery he’s still fully bandaged and healing. Well this past weekend, with one hand bandaged, he cruised around Harvard Square celebrating an award from the college and some betch table-topped him causing him to fall and cut up his hand. In conclusion, Jimmy should probably use the fake arms that he does skits with for a while until he can be sure he’s earned the right to use his grabbers without injuring them. PS everyone knows that cartoon band aids heal wounds faster than boring plain band aids, so he should probably stop wah-wahing about them.

4. Zac Efron’s abs in a new movie trailer.

Bobby shows his abs off too, but like…c’mon.

5. Bieber already shit all over his comeback tour.

Here’s the story: Biebs gets onstage for a concert, stage is wet (lots of questions associated with that but whatevs), Biebs brings a t-shirt out to mop up the stage, girls in front row get grabby with the t-shirt or him or both, Biebs says yo, I’m out and peaces up outta that bitch then posts the above apology on Instagram. I’ve gotta say for someone who had like a 3 year span of being a total Hollywood doucheroni, it was only a matter of time before he would slip up and I waited patiently for that moment. I didn’t have to wait long…his single “Sorry” dropped like a week ago and here he is already apologizing for being a dick again. Timing couldn’t have been better.

PS Unrelated to anything but HOW COOL IS THIS DRESS?!?! (I mean, it would accentuate your lunch if you had any but on the other hand…it looks like you’re dipped in GOLD.)

charlize charlizetheron

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