Everyone sucked this week. Cash and Frankie sucked for being the worst characters ever, Maddie sucked for taking insufferable teen to an all-time peak, and Deacon sucked for having no self control over his hulk-like tendencies.
But first, and most hilariously, Juliette is nominated for an Oscar and now we KNOW we’re watching fictional television. To make it even less believable, the second the words come out of the announcer’s mouth, her phone starts ringing off the hook. Ok. When she calls Avery to tell him, it just so happens that he’s in bed with Layla and she chooses that exact moment in time to murmur sweet nothings next to the phone so that Juliette then finds out what’s going down. I wrote last week that Emily dropping that baby off said it all, but apparently Juliette’s a little slower on the uptake.
Same with Layla, who realizes that maybe Avery still loves Juliette because he peaces up outta there like the bed is on fire, giving Layla a gentle pat on the back as a thank you for the pork sesh. What a gent. Unfortunately for all of us, they have an adult conversation later (that Juliette spies on) and decide that even though Avery’s exit the morning after was preeetttyy insensitive, they should give this thing a shot. And Juliette decides to act maturely (why?) and tell Layla the truth about Jeff–they both cry but they’re still enemies in love with the same soul patch wimpster. Juliette also wishes aforementioned wimpster happiness. I’m guessing she understands what we all do, which is that Layla and Avery are a flash in the pan and will be broken up by series end. I’m saying series because I’m hoping, nay praying that this season will be the series finale.
In other news, Will gets some radio play and then gets shampoo in his eyes. And that’s the most difficult problem he has to face this episode. Just kidding, the world attacks him again for being gay and points the finger at Luke for having an agenda and trying to tell the American people what to feel. I think that’s what they were saying. I tuned out because it’s a repetitive story line. Either way, Luke is appearing left and right waving the rainbow flag while Will sits at home and wah-wahs again.
Speaking of ruining a good thing, Scarlett & Gunnar are in post-coital glow for about five minutes until the Rolling Stone reporter asks a bunch of questions about their history and digs up all their old shit. By the end of the episode, they’re barely speaking and are back to being “just the Exes.” Okay, you two, thanks for participating in will they or won’t they, we’ll see you in the same place next week.
And finally, onto all the people who suck. Maddie thinks being an adult is pulling your loose mermaid waves into an updo and donning a paisley smoking jacket, apparently. At the hearing for her emancipation, she pulls out the big guns and testifies that she doesn’t feel safe living in the same house as Deacon. Deacon is then called to the stand to testify on all of the people he’s beaten or killed in his lifetime (no biggie) all mouth-pieced from Frankie the jelly belly, who smugly watches from the back of the courthouse with his stupid tall hair. On what planet is it appropriate for a man over the age of 40 to have a pompadour? Don’t answer that. Cash should be embarrassed, especially if she’s trying to become famous.
After day one of court, Rayna sobs in Maddie’s bed and meanwhile Deacon goes to chitchat with Frankie and ends up getting framed for beating his ass when Frankie the turd threw the first punch. PS Kelsea Ballerini sings Peter Pan and she’s awesome and all, but those few minutes when Frankie is hamming it up with his customers and singing along to her song were some of the funniest in this show’s history. Deacon’s seething at him from the corner of the bar and Frankie’s doling out hugs and swaying to a teen country star’s song about her ex boyfriend. All the awards for that performance.
Then he ends up in the hospital with a broken nose and rib, and Deacon ends up in the slammer. I wonder if he’s near Teddy? Congrats Maddie on having both your dads in the big house. Rayna visits Deacon in jail and reminds him how G-D stupid he is. Ugh they’ve been married for 5 whole minutes do we really need to break them up this early? In Nashville plot, the answer is always yes. In the end, Maddie is granted emancipation and I’ve never felt the urge to punch a character in the face more. Especially when Cash hugs her and says “WE DID IT!” Cash you thirsty MF’er. You and Frankie with the erect hair need to GTFO. And that’s that.