Author Archives: Thesaltyju

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/13/16

1. Everyone’s all up on Taylor’s Jock AGAIN.

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Honestly, People.com FIND YOUR CHILL. These screenshots were all from the day that news broke of Tay smooching Tom Hiddleston and it was downright embarrassing that they covered their website with these headlines.In a much more laid back way than People, I’d like to offer up the opinion that this is a weird rebound choice, tbh. Also Calvin deleting insta pics and unfollowing Tay on Twitter is a liiiiiiitttle high school and kind of defeats the “a relationship ended and what’s left is mutual love and respect” tweet post-breakup. Still doesn’t mean we need 15 stories dedicated to dissecting it. Jus sayin.

2. This is better than The Notebook rain scene.

Damn, Nick! This was hawt. At first I was like k, why is this B writhing in a bed and crying. Seemed pretty dramats for a song about not banging someone. Then they bang in a luxury rich people shower. And when I say bang, I mean he banged the diamond necklace right off of her. Fist bump. Say bang again.

3. Mila & Ashton Baby it up round 2.

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There should probs be a Hollywood law that you can’t procreate again until we’ve seen the first one. Seriously, what’s with all the privacy people? Tay pecks someone and it spews into 15 different stories but we can’t even get one peek at your baby? (cough cough Gosling cough) Anyway congratszzzz guys, I’m sure it will be cute af with a bizarro name. Editors Note: I used the google and actually found some pics of lil Wyatt which makes my whole blurb on this a moo point (cow’s opinion) but I’m too lazy to retype it. She’s adorbs, of course.

4. Could these two be cuter?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGs1CToMGQ9/?taken-by=robertearlbuckley

The answer is no, of course not. SUH CAYUTE. While we’re at it with posting insta’s from the Buckster, he’s really been on fire this week closing it off with this nostalgic gem:

 

5. I’m going through Chad withdrawals.

There was no Bachelorette this week and therefore, no Chad. So while I ordinarily don’t include bach news on the JUice (unless it’s an inevitable break up that I predicted, lookin at you Chris Soules) I needed to include this for a good laugh. This is Chad watching himself for the first time on the show and enjoying it just as much as I did. What a performance he gave us this season. Only 3 more days until we see his grand finale. Can’t w8. Side note: If you need humor today as much as I do, check out his entire instagram. It’s gold.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGqfuF7uSRY/?taken-by=realchadjohnson&hl=en

Bonus:

View this post on Instagram

#TheBachelorette re-voiced by kids.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k16

 

The sunshine season can’t truly begin until the infamous* Summer Palooza drops.

(*use term loosely)

CAN’T STOP THE FEELING! – Justin Timberlake. I declared this JT bangerang the song of the summer on May 6th when it was released and I stand by it hard. Is it played ad nauseum on the radio? Don’tttt caaaaareeeeee. Get that sunshine in your pocket and just dance dance daaaannceeee like you’re dressed like Ellen.

jT

Summer – Cassadee Pope. I mean, come on. This song was written specifically to be drafted for summer palooza.

I Like The Sound Of That – Rascal Flatts. One of those feel good country songs from a band that are basically considered dinosaurs in the industry by now. Seriously, I feel like the Flatts have been lip syncing at award shows for the past 100 years. Anyway, ❤ the JT shoutout EVEN though they say Timberlake’s got nothin on this girl. WHAT a bold statement.

Superstitious – MKTO. Any music MKTO releases makes me instantly want to drop into a split and spin on my head. Don’t worry. I physically can’t do that, so I’ll white girl head bop instead and let them remind me of the duo from Another Cinderella Story that a young Selena Gomez sassy danced all up on. (Seriously though, are they the same people? Right down to the fedora…)

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vs.

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Brand New – Ben Rector. A surprising soulful twist for the mix, it’s time to shed some light on ya boy Ben Rector and bump this for road trip vibes.

Work from Home ft. Ty Dolla $ign – Fifth Harmony. Even though this one’s been floating around since early Spring, I’m still down with it because I DO work from home most of the time. And it definitely doesn’t go like this… Either way Fifth Harmony crushes the high school band practice meets sexual lyrics year after year.

Wherever I Go – OneRepublic. I always forget about OneRepublic because it seems fishy that they’re still releasing music while Ryan Tedder is writing songs for like 90% of pop singers. But regardless, every summer they seem to have new music and this one is surprisingly UPBEAT!

Once In A While – Timeflies. Even though Timeflies released a real weird video for this song, it’s still catchy AF and Cal still floods my basement with just one note. Why aren’t these two super famous by now? They’re about to open for the kid with the holey eyebrow in a mall bowling alley next week. Not even headline…OPEN. What is wrong with this world? Make these two megastars, STAT.

CAL

Fix – Chris Lane. If you’re looking for something to indulge on this summer, Chris Lane is it. He’s got your fix, he’ll be whatever you need. He’s also a straight up smokeshow. Yes Chris. Be all of the things for me, pls.

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Bacon – Nick Jonas ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Nick Jonas is soooooo0oooo deep now because he wrote an album about his breakup with Ms. Universe but realistically he’s just singing about tossing bacon on stuff. It pretty much makes 0.0 sense but when you add a beat to my favorite crispy breakfast side, it’s summer palooza gold. PS no clue who Ty DOLLA $ign is, but snaps for him earning 2 prestigious spots on this mix. That’s how you get your start in the music biz, so I’ve heard.

Sun Don’t Let Me Down (feat. Nile Rodgers & Pitbull) – Keith Urban. I hate myself for liking this song because it goes against every fiber of my being that hates Pitubull and his Mr. 305, Mr. Worldwide yellin’ ass but it’s fire.

Ain’t Got Far To Go – Jess Glynne. Jess made her debut last summer with some radio hits and we’re getting in touch with our inner jam band/reggae by including her this year. Clap it up for musical diversity. But seriously, put those hands together because there’s a whole lot of clappin in this song.

Like I Would – Zayn. Although I never wanted to support someone who could up and leave 1D, it would be wrong to admit that this bedroom jam Zayn that was born out of it doesn’t do things for me. Plus Harry’s the lead actor in a movie that’s probably going to win Oscars, so no hard feelsies. I would say that Zayn’s pretty cocky about his sex skillz with both Pillow Talk and this, but he managed to snag the hottest young model in the world and I’m gonna go ahead and guess he’s probs good in bed. They broke up for a hot second but GiGi remembered that no one would touch her like Zayn does, so she was like JK we’re back on.

Night’s On Fire – David Nail. David Nail’s a cutie and also consistently puts out classic country songs about hot babes and summer feels. I accept.

Treat You Better – Shawn Mendes. Technically Shawn is more for the teeniebopper Disney crowd but whatever because Stitches was my shit and I can already tell this song just might top that old school Bieber good good.

Snapback – Old Dominion. This is more of a PSA than anything: snapbacks are all the rage now. And by that I mean, backwards hats are all the rage. If you’re of the male gender and flip your hat backward, your pussy magnetism will skyrocket. Facts only. Unfortunately this is a song about a girl wearing a snapback. Less hot. When I wear a backwards hat, my family calls me Icebox from Little Giants. Double standard. Quick recap: guys, flip it backward, girls don’t do it unless you want to be compared to a female trying out for the boy’s football team.

Yes:  lukebryan

No: Screen Shot 2016-06-16 at 10.47.18 AM

Put It On Me- Austin Mahone Ft. SAGE the Gemini. It’s pretty embarrassing that two years in a row I’ve roasted Sage for what clearly is his calling card. They don’t already know you Sage, no one knows you. And no one will know you if you keep backing up Disney singers on their breakout “I’m a bad boy who does sex” tracks. Nick Jonas skyrocketed over the past year and with this spicy number, it looks like Austin Mahone is about to do the same. And poor S-A-G-E is left behind still just wanting to already be known.

Sorry – Beyonce. This is an unsanctioned add behind my co-producer’s back but you know what? I AIN’T SORRY. Beyonce made Lemonade (and cold hard cash) out of Jay cheating on her. It needed to be addressed on my summer mix. Everything about this song is cocky and cool. Yonce telling Jay to suck on her balls?! Damn. I also cannot and will not stop laughing at how disgusted she is with his F’ing excuses. The delivery on that was A+++.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. Summer cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette-Milk is Delicious

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We left off last night with C. Harrison telling Chad to straighten out the dramzies. I think my favorite part about soundtracking is that all an editor needs to do is add in some unsettling music and suddenly it looks like Chad is stalking in to smash skulls. Instead he approaches the bros and smoothes everything over (says he’s not doing anything wrong and tells everyone to agree with him) then goes outside to play with his noodle. Pool noodle, ya pervs. Because that’s right, it’s POOL PARTY TIME!!! JoJo’s like screw the cocktail party, I just wanted to get loose with my guys in a sloppy Vegas style pool party. They rip shots and the guys all pop boners and WOOOO when JoJo loses her crochet cover-up. Not to be a total Chad, but seriously, have these guys ever seen a hot chick in a bikini before? Fake-out one of the night comes when Evan dives into the pool and comes up with a bloody nose. Instead of shouting in a panic “EVAN YOU’RE BLEEDING!!!” like we were led to believe by the previews for tonight’s epi, JoJo’s like LOL you’re bleeding Evan. Ugh, you tricky tricky bastards. All I wanted was a Chad/Evan showdown. I would’ve settled for Evan just being pushed in the pool unexpectedly but noooooo. Evan makes a big show of declaring that he’s not afraid of Chad, which we all know, means he’s terrified and probably locks his door at night and gets panic attack nosebleeds whenever Chad is near.

In other news, JoJo cuddles right up to Jordan and confesses she’s scared of her chemistry with him. She then shoves her legs basically inside of him. Girl, you can’t get any closer unless he’s penetrating you. They thigh touch a whole lot and talk about how much they like each other. Jordan’s going to ‘splode if she keeps this up before the fantasy suites.

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Rose Ceremony

Chase, Evan, James Tay, Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Daniel, Alex, Chad

I Like You Very Mush with Luke

ABC continues their streak of giving the ladies DIRT travel budgets and the first trip is Pennsylvania. PENN-SYL-FUCKING-VANIA. Sorry for the cursing, Dad. Not sorry for shitting on this trip. As Luke is leaving for his date, Vinny tells him, “We’ll miss you very mush.” GOOD ONE VINNY! I can tell why JoJo is keeping you around. Don’t ever lose that killer sense of humor!

Luke and JoJo take a dogsled ride into a random field, where, you guessed it! There’s a hot tub waiting for them. Except this isn’t a Ben Higgins model, plopped in a forest. This is a country wood-fired hot tub and Luke better get to choppin if they want to take a dip. I had high hopes that this would be a Win a Date with Tad Hamilton flashback but it was way underwhelming. Lose the shirt before the chop and we’ll talk.

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The hot tub water looks like a murky swamp and yet they both strip down and can’t wait to become immersed in those diseases. JoJo in typical girl fashion demands that Luke make it really hot then burns her limbs off stepping into the tub. Hey JoJo, that’s what really hot feels like. A gent through and through, Luke dangles JoJo above the water until she stops being a baby bitch and can handle the temp. Swoooonnnn. Once in the water, Luke says in his slow ass voice, “Sometimes hot tubs are too hot.” And my swooning comes to an abrupt halt. JoJo climbs into his lap because girl is all about the lap sit. He probably pokes her with his boner but it goes away real quick when JoJo tells Luke he doesn’t look like a rugged man. What a dig. YIKES Luke, tell me those words won’t live with you for all of eternity.

JoJo makes up for it later when she asks Luke how he got so confident and sexay. She really goes for the hard-hitting Q’s. His best friend was killed in Afghanistan so it made him live life like his blood type, B Positive. Yeah it got real serious for a second so I felt the need to spice things up with a Timeflies lyric. Luke gets chills from looking into JoJo’s eyes. JoJo leaves a puddle on the seat probably and roses Luke.

But wait…there’s ONE MORE SURPRISE!!!! Is obviously live music. Dan + Shay need to promote their new album which conveniently dropped today so JoJo and Luke attend their concert and slow dance onstage. I use the term dance loosely because they spend the entire time onstage sucking face. If I bought tickets to that concert I would walk right out. Don’t force me to watch PDA. NOT UP IN HERE.

I’ve gone far too long without talking about Chad so let’s check in on his mental state. Oh no biggie, he’s tanning at the house while a bear wanders around a few feet away. METAPHORS. What season is it in PA though because we’ve got JoJo wearing her best fall outfits and snuggled in a blanket while Chad lays TOFTB in the hot sun. I’m so confused. Either way, don’t poke the Chad bear.

We Could Go All the Way with Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, Robby

Big Ben (an alleged rapist) leads this date and by leads I mean he asks JoJo who her favorites are then laughs at them all from the stands as he uses those bear paws of his to slam Cheetos into his mouth. In our second fake-out of the night, James Tay gets a bloody injury from a basic football tackle. Womp Wommppp. He doesn’t want stitches because that means he’d have to leave the date, so instead he’d rather have an ace bandage around his ENTIRE HEAD for a scratch and blood dripping down his face. Quick tip for James Taylor: dried blood on a man’s face=Sahara Desert vag.

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The boys suit up for the game and Evan takes prep for this game v seriously. He arranges his side bang to peek out of his headband as if he’s the lead singer of an emo band. Then slaps on just one eye black. Mid-game he gets another nosebleed of course—denies it—then declares he killed it when his team wins. Daddy’s a winner! He whispers to himself with a closed mouth smile as he sniffs the football, probably.

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Later with the winning team, Robby tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and lays her out on the pool table after gingerly pushing the balls away for a makeout sesh. Robby’s gay, right? Like 100%? She tongues everyone in the room, including James’ open wound (gross) but Jordan gets the rose because he was passin those pigskins like an almost PRO today and also he took her by surprise and made her feel special. (Special is girl talk for W-E-T.)

Let’s Get Lost with Chad and Alex

Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and he’s not wrong. Seriously Alex is being all of those things. A bunch of grown men all sit on top of each other on an L shaped couch while Chad threatens to take them all outside. Again, no one goes outside. If this sounds like a repeat of Monday night’s group date fight, please know that it is.

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The date is hiking and JoJo looks SO outdoorsy with that flannel tied around her waist. Alex airs his grievances about Chad. And there are A LOT OF THEM. One being the Jordan incident that morning, which Alex wasn’t even present for. Seems legit. JoJo immediately tells Chad all the dirt she just heard. Typs 2 on 1 date etiquette. Chad’s like didn’t you ever threaten to rip a girls leg off when you lived in the bachelor mansion? And JoJo is like no, not really. C’mon JoJo…don’t tell me you didn’t at least think about tossing Lauren’s torso into the ocean once you found out Ben loved her TOO?! Ugh, anyway JoJo needs to “think” about why she has such a thing for bad boys or something. Thinking turns into crying when JoJo muses that maybe Chad’s an asshole because he’s grieving his mom’s death. (Or maybe he’s just putting on his best performance to cut a movie deal? Jus sayin.)

Chad relishes his last few moments of fame when he tells Alex he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed with a sly smirk as he drinks milk lying down. Alex has a mini tantrum about how he thought they were going to be Marine besties and Chad’s like whatever, have a glass of milk, bruh. In the end JoJo tells Chad and his violent ways off and gives Lil Alex the rose. Alex has just landed himself on the hit list and the guys shoot off confetti at the news. But it’s not over. Chad whistles and stalks through the woods (all the way back to the house?) Yeah ok. TO BE CONTINUED in two weeks with probably nothing dramatic at all if we’ve learned anything from being tricked by these perfectly crafted previews. Seriously, guys. Don’t fall for it. Either way, I’d like to declare this season over the minute Chad leaves. Whether he’s escorted off or he just went back to the house to grab the extra meats he keeps in his bunk, Heavyweights style, I’m Team Chad through and through. Which when you think about it is strategic AF because I know for a fact Chad will never find me and beat my ass. Winner, Winner, Sweet Potato Dinner.

chadchelorette

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- JoJo Gets Yim-Yammed

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“If I don’t get this date card I’m gonna go cry in a corner by myself”

Let’s Get Physical with Chase

Since The Bachelor’s MO is tossing two people who don’t know each other into tantric workshops, welcome to hawt yoga with the guy who’s logged about 5 minutes total with JoJo. It starts with a bang when the yoga instructor asks how long JoJo and Chase have been intimate and they’re like COULD YOU DEFINE INTIMATE? Oh yeah we’ve never even kissed. So that’s a no. It’s fine though because it took my eyes no time at all to get intimate with Chase in those leggings. He’s got a droolworthy bod with a six pack to write home about. JoJo is feelin it too as she keeps telling the camera how chiseled Chase is. Then she straddles him for “a yoga position” called the “yim-yam” except it ends with them making out and touching each other’s naked bodies. While they were hardcore yimming each other’s yams, the yoga instructor magically disappears. What a wing woman. Girl knows what foreplay looks like and when to get the hell outta there. Side note that you may detect a scooch of jealousy in: JoJo’s perfect mermaid waves stay intact throughout this entire 110-degree workout and she couldn’t look fresher. WUTEVER.

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Later, JoJo does that thing girls do when they want a guy to tell them they’re a bangpiece—she’s all I didn’t even look sexy today, I was so nervous! LoL. Chase doesn’t bite. Strike one. Then he talks about how his parents got divorced and marriage is a one-time deal for him. Does Chase know what show he’s on? The Bachelorette does not value marriage, Chase. Get out while you can. He gets rosed because JoJo’s “excited” about him. Read: her undies are soaked just thinking about getting her yam yimmed. Charles Kelly serenades them.

Love Has No Secrets with Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad

Upon receiving the group date card with fifty names on it, Chad says that he doesn’t even wanna go. He’d rather kick back and get his one on one later. The other gents aren’t loving this ‘tude and so starts a bro-off. Chad tells Evan to stop talking and calls Jordan a failure. Alex “try me bro’s” Chad and there’s a whole lot of staring.

The date turns out to be a Sex Talks live show. In other words, a show where people pay money to watch a woman walk onstage and proceed to make orgasm sounds. The bros are uncomfy and Vinny “has never heard sounds like that before.” Quick tip for Vinny, solve that line of hair parading across your forehead (you are a barber, after all) and you might have more chances to bring chicks to O-Town. The date takes a turn when the men are asked to participate. I was pretty terrified when we got a BTS peek at the process and Daniel was drawing a stick figure on his pad of paper. My predictions came true when he told a story about cutting a lock of hair with a knife from a girl he had tied up. REALLY ABC? YOU’RE GONNA SPLICE THAT SOUNDBYTE IN WITH NO EXPLANATION?! I can only assume the stick figure he drew was supposed to be a chalk outline of the girl he once raped and killed. Bet he carries that hair around in his pocket. His act got big laughs though so apparently I’m missing something here. It would be nice to know so I don’t have nightmares about the Damn Daniel guy scalping someone. (Or images of Nick the former Santa Claus practicing his alphabet tongue skills. Yuck.)

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Anyway, I got carried away creating my own story because the truth is, there’s only one storyline here and his name is Chad. In fact, The Chadchelorette is now a thing. Evan has declared himself number one instigator this week with a routine solely focused on Chad’s steroid use. Lil Alex cheers him on from the crowd because someone smaller than him is taking on his battle. There’s a wrinkle in Evan’s plan when Chad tries to tear his shirt clean off his body. I cheered and then quickly waivered in my support for Chad when I saw that his tactic was to plant one on JoJo instead of telling a sex story. She cheeks him SO HARD and it’s cringeworthy to say the least. Evan’s feeling pretty giddy post-show for having almost been hung by his own v-neck but Chad is there to make him flinch and bring him back down to earth. Chad is also bleeding from his altercation with the stage door. But that’s neither here nor there.

At the night portion, we could talk about how Jordan dances around the fact that he probably (if Instagram has anything to say about it, definitely) cheated on his ex girlfriend and Alex weirdly tells JoJo that he’s ride or die. OR we could talk about how Chad sits approximately 1 foot away from JoJo and Nick and whistles a tune until they’re forced to move locations. We can also share a giggle about how Chad’s shirt rage really stemmed from a little movie theater pet peeve. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU LET THE OTHER PERSON OUT OF THE ROW BEFORE YOU GO IN. If I had a nickel for every shirt I ripped when someone got up to go to the bathroom at Regal! Evan, still high off of his seriously unfunny standup act, demands an apology from Chad and a new shirt.

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Chad werks that spin zone and by the end of this confrontation, I begin to believe that Evan’s actually the bully. Except he’s not a bully. He’s a loser. A loser with a skinny wiener. He declares to JoJo that if Chad stays, he will have to leave. As I begin to sing Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, HEYYYEYYYYYEYYY GOODBY—WHAT!??!?! EVAN GOT A ROSE?! I didn’t even need to scream at my TV because Chad does it for me when he asks JoJo “is this a real scenario right now?” Well?! ANSWER THE QUESTION JOJO. DID YOU REALLY JUST KEEP A SPAGHETTI STRAP TANKTOP WEARIN’ MAN WHO KISSED YOU, THEN WHISPER-SANG TO THE CAMERA IN A HIGH FALSETTO, “Boys guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!” Not only did Evan really stick to his guns there, but he also managed to creep the world out in about 30 seconds. Congrats you big weirdo.

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Let’s Kick it Old School with James Taylor

Rrrrighttt, like we’re to believe that JoJo can drive a vintage whip without power steering. HOKAY. A lady whose easily 100 gives James Tay and JoJo swing dance lessons. James gets pretty sweaty. JoJo looks like an old Hollywood dream, of course. The “surprise” is that they dance with other swing dancers for one song. Cool. James is excited about everything. I’m excited for them to cut to Chad manhandling a sweet potato.

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That night, JoJo is concerned because she likes James childlike wonder but doesn’t necessarily want to mount him. James reveals that his nickname in school was Luke Longneck (better than being compared to Squidward—amirite Grant?!) He feels like JoJo is out of his league…probably because she is. JoJo can’t reject him after that confession without looking like a real B, so he gets a rose. Since James is the guitar guy, he HAS to bust out the axe and sing a whiny original to JoJo. Picture yourself sitting directly next to a guy who is serenading you with a lame song. Would you play dead? (I would.) Instead, JoJo cries. Nailed it.

Tensions are apparently so high back at the ranch that the guys force security guards to walk the perimeter of the bachelor mansion in case Chad gets the urge to rip any more shirts. Daniel tries to level with Chad by comparing him to Hitler and asking if he could maybe dial it back to Mussolini. Chad ponders as he bites into a head of lettuce. He’s probably still pondering when Evan decides to act suuuuper mature for a 33-year-old dad, and tattle to Chris Harrison. C. Harrison tells Chad to settle the problem, Chad hears “create a Bachelorette death match”, and Evan just doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. HE’S JUST EXHAUSTED, GUYS. We’re left in the lurch for tonight’s episode because the cocktail party has been cancelled, and instead we will get probably a full hour of a gangbang pool party. Bonus points if legs are cut off and torsos are thrown into the pool. Getchyo drinks ready because it’s about to pop OFF tonight and I will daydream of floating torsos until then.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/30/16

I feel bad that we haven’t JUiced together in a while (if that sounds disgusting to you, pls know that I laughed while typing it.) And although there were only a couple noteworthy news stories this week, I still decided to post, y’know FOR ALL MY FANZ.

1. Tayvin is dunzo.

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After a little over a year…or as every news media outlet feels the need to point out FIFTEEN MONTHS (as if their relationship was a newborn baby that goes by age in months until they turn 5) T and C have broken up. It is rumored that Calvin ended it, and the two broke the “silence” about it a day after the announcement with:

So like, it’s over. They probsicles won’t get back together and the world will keep turning. Were they a hawt AF couple? Duhs. Since I’ve built a blog on my snarky hot takes I’m just going to throw it out into the breeze that not too long ago Taylor decided to chop all her hair off and bleach it real hard, also changing her look to 90’s grunge in the process. I’m not SPECIFICALLY saying that this was the cause of the breakup but like… come on. Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus ended their engagement rrrriiiight around the same time that Miley buzzed her head and started dressing like an off-duty stripper. Jus sayin. Tossing it right out there and you can feel free to toss it right back. I look forward to whatever hunk Tay snags in the future and hopefully an entire album full of All Too Well’s.

2. Zay-Gi is dunzo. (Did we ever even have a couple name for them? Whatever.)

gigizayn

After seven months of dating and a suuuuper weird music video for Zayn’s solo debut, these two have also called it quits. I mean, they really crushed the Met Ball red carpet but other than that I pretty much had no investment in this relationship. Zayn’s kind of a turd for leaving 1D just so he could release a couple songs with F bombs in them that hint at bedroom times. GiGi’s a smokeshow and realistically Zayn was outkicking his coverage in the first place. Guess that means the SQUAD IS SINGLE (please read in WOO girl voice). Selena, GiGi and Tay about to be out wrecking dick this summer. Was that too graphic? Good. SQUAD SUMMER COMMENCE. (Hey girls, give me a call if someone’s out sick one night and you need another single lady to hit the town with.)

3. The Hills is 10 years old.

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10 years ago this week, we were introduced to a few 19 year olds who were juggling “work” and play in LA. That means 10 years ago I was dreaming of the day, when I too, was old enough to live by myself in the city and party hardy. Joke was really on me when I learned that young adulthood bloooows IRL when you don’t have a producer paying for everything. Anyway, usually the first to pretend The Hills didn’t exist, LC addressed the anniversary and announced a special to air August 2nd on MTV for the fans. It will include BTS stories and answer fan questions. YAAASSSSSSSS. Thanks for my belated bday gift, LC. THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED. Then they took it one step too far and are supposedly shopping a movie idea around (which LC has yet to sign on for…good call.) The rough plot is modeled after a Sex & The City movie and will catch up with the ladies in their marriages/baby life. NO. THANKS. That literally sounds HORRIBLE. Following a bunch of morons around as they navigated their 20’s on “reality” tv? Gold. Following a bunch of moms for a 2 hour movie? Dirt. Here’s hoping that never happens and instead we get a kickass special where Stephanie Pratt finally tells us she’s learned the difference between a hamster and a guinea pig.

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4. Put your muffs away, ladies.

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OH IF IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE. BY. ALL. MEANS.

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This isn’t cute. This is junderwear. Junderwear is when Daisy Dukes get so short and tight that they basically just morph into your undercarriage and you’re essentially rolling around in a jean diaper. To be clear, this isn’t me body-shaming. I have a pair of jorts that slowly over time (100 pizzas and donuts later) turned into junderwear and I acknowledge the fact that they are such. IT DOESN’T MAKE THEM SEXY. IT JUST MAKES THEM JUNDIES. Regardless, this is it’s own headline on the JUice because I’m sick of famous ladies being like hey check out my RB curtains, IT’S FOR FEMINISM or IT’S FOR GUN CONTROL! LoLzzzz! Seeing a lady’s basement does not make me think harder about problems facing our world, and then influence me to take action. And that’s just a fact. THESE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH REASONS TO SHOW OFF YOUR BITS. And that seems preeeetttttyyyyyyy obvious. End. Rant.

5. Here’s a music video that made me confused.

Timeflies released a music video for their catchy jam Once in a While. Except it’s pretty weird. Either way I didn’t have five things to talk (type-yell) about this week so just enjoy this beat, feast your eyes on Cal and wonder what the motive was behind having a girls’ eyes spazz out and wink one at a time for a music video. That pool party looked fun though…my invite must’ve gotten lost in the mail.

PS Happy National Donut Day! I waited until I was safely in the confines of my vehicle to go to town on my frosted treat. Unfortunately, I was still technically at work and was caught red-handed taking a donut selfie. Whoops. Sometimes bragging to others is more important than actually enjoying the donut. Which I did. Real hard.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Chad Came for the Free Meats

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“Hey you hurt our feelings, we’re a bunch of butthurt dudes…”

 

Blowin up Limos with Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, Robby

There’s a blazin limo in the bach driveway but have no fear because JoJo hops out of a fire truck dressed as a slutty firefighter in a skin tight white tank and gives everyone boners, free of charge. The competition is how to be a firefighter and Grant, the real life firefighter probably will be a natural at this. Wells the radio DJ, not so much. He may know All-4-One but he can’t play with hoses. It’s rock bottom for him when the instructor demands that he get some water in front of the rest of the guys. YIKES. That’s like when my gym teacher used to call me out for walking the mile. Shamed for days. Wells finally has to lie down for a little while because the water wasn’t healing his near death experience. It’s then when I have my AHA moment. JoJo comes over to him and suddenly he’s cured just from being touching distance from those knockers. It’s an open and shut case of Wells pulling the Squints drowning for a Wendy Peffercorn smooch. I see you, Wells. (He later wins a pity rose for this performance.) Snake it till you make it, bro. If you’ll recall, Squints and Wendy went on to have 9 kids. Back to the competition, Grant wins it, as he should. If he didn’t win this game, he 100% should’ve changed career paths. PS how many MF’ing fire puns can we fit in one date? Answer: all of them.

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Later, Luke in his T-Bird leather jacket says, “I’m so glad to like…..beeee here.” No seriously, that was his opening line to JoJo, said like he was a basic bitch. He talks about his history in the military and how he’s had a few serious relationships. Then they tongue. (Update: I still can’t figure out why I hate Luke but I want to punch him square in the face.)

While the boys are at the date, Chad straps his suitcase full of protein powder to his dick and does some pull-ups. The rest of the gents watch and laugh at him. Then James Taylor leads them in a campfire song called “JoJo” and Chad sulks in the kitchen. I’ve never gone from hating someone so much to siding with them so quickly.

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Love is Full of Choices with Derek

The premise of this date is that signs are placed in front of their powder blue vintage convertible and they have to decide on the count of three. They both decide sky and OMG THEY’RE SO COMPATIBLE. North or South? They (JoJo) pick North and they better keep their head on a swivel for South because he was PRETTY PISSED they didn’t choose him. While flying to San Fran in a private jet, Derek and JoJo play thumb war with both hands, at the same time. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. In the end they picnic at the Golden Gate Bridge and it’s pretty vanilla.

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Later at dinner, JoJo repeats everything that they did that day. As if we didn’t watch it and they didn’t live it. Then they talk about past relationships and Derek closed himself off because he thought he was getting married and there “was another person involved in that.” Which is a weird and long-ass way to say he got cheated on. They’re on the same page about trying to be more open. Derek’s cute and all but this date was boring as hell. The grand finale is making out in front of a Technicolor water fountain. Obviously Derek gets rosed.

Meanwhile, on the Chad show, he makes a really intelligent analogy about how if he blended the dudes in the house into a protein shake, they wouldn’t win this show. WOW Chad, what a brainteaser. #DudeProteinShakes should be trending forever. It will also probably be the name of his pending blog and exercise powder sponsorship, post-show. Although to give him credit, he’s talking to Daniel during this musing of men and shakes and I’m sure that made COMPLETE sense to the Canadian male model who still thinks Damn Daniel is relevant. They’re both wearing frat tanks during this convo, because of course.

 

“Prove Your Love To Me and the Nation” with Jordan, Christian, Nick, James Taylor, Alex, Chad

JoJo “is on” Sports Nation where she gives only the hottest of takes on Steph Curry’s career. HOT GIRL LOVES SPORTS! Not a cliché at all! The hosts of Sports Nation conduct a series of tests for the men in the ESPN studio. First they practice their touchdown dances with a rose. They’re all equally as embarrassing and I wish to revisit none of them. Then they play dizzy bat but instead of chugging a beer, they have to propose to JoJo. Remind me to never suggest this as a party game. Chad is like hey marry me, ho and then calls her naggy. Good combo. In the press conference portion, the bruhs are asked serious questions about marriage and JoJo. James Taylor obviously sings his answer. (DOES HE EVER NOT SING?!) Everyone calls Chad out for being a doucheroni and he defends himself by being completely honest and saying he wants to get to know JoJo before he says he loves her. Then fires back at the gang for never seeing a beautiful girl before. Truthbomb city. The hosts wearing basketball sneaks with suits pick the top three in descending order: Alex, Chad, and James Tay as the numero uno. Chad thinks the rest of the guys here are a bunch of sissy wieners.

At the hang afterward, James Tay creeps all up in JoJo. He tells her, “a smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from the inside.” What? As if that wasn’t confusing enough, he then reads aloud a note that basically just lists his interests? I don’t know. JoJo tears up for some reason, which leads me to believe she’s practicing her acting for future career moves because in no way would someone saying they sometimes like chick flicks make a bitch cry. Regardless, they kiss and James ends up with a rose. So apparently his constant singing only annoys me? Whatever.

In other group date hang news, Alex sits in a giant chair you find at Cape Cod beaches, further highlighting his midget status. And Chad talks about how hard he works, not allowing him to have a relationship. Yeah okay, Chad. THAT’S why you’re single. Then he tells JoJo that he inherited a dog from his mom and JoJo was like omgg are you and your mom close? INHERITED, JOJO. AKA she has passed. It only happened about six months ago and that seems like a red flag that he was casj about it. They make out and JoJo feels better about Chad acting like a dick all day because he opened up to her.

Cocktail Party

This is when Chad really starts to derail, and by derail I mean turn into me when I attend a party with free food. But first, he greets JoJo at the limo to tell her that he worked out that day and avoided all of the other brosephs in the house. JoJo is all about that bad boy life so she eats this shit right up. He gives her a smooch and she says thank you.

Then the rest of the guys do the thing I hate the most on Bachelor(ette)….they gang up on Chad for getting more time with JoJo. It’s embarrassing and pathetic that they’re attacking someone for being more strategic than them and it makes me want to like Chad. I guess I’m into bad boyz too. While they’re scolding him for talking to JoJo, Chad goes IN on a meat stick and I respect tha hell out of this tactic. He then fills plate after plate of lunchmeats and wangz, savagely tossing them down his throat while everyone else judges real hard.

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Where’s the fat shaming during the Bachelor? Have we ever even seen the women eat or does their diet consist solely of white wine while they’re filming? DOUBLE STANDARD. After Chad feels satisfied with his pre-bedtime snack of meats, he cuts lil Alex off so he can tell JoJo how much he likes her. And then, just to prove that he can, he doubles back and does it again to ED guy. To be clear, cutting in on ED guy is a walk in the park. This guy is such a lamewad with his stupid hair and weird job that I’m wondering how he’s still kicking on this show. Chad could’ve given him a noogie while he was stealing JoJo and I probably would’ve cheered him on from my couch. Realistically all he needed to do was get Daniel in there to poke Evan’s belly button and it would’ve been game over.

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Either way, by the end of last night’s episode I loved Chad a lot. It helps that he gave us quotes like: “Shes’s gonna keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short people.” Hey Chad’s just telling it like it is and packing on the protein. Haters gonn’ hate, Alex’s gonn’ be short.

Roses: Wells, Derek, James Taylor, Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick, Vinny, Evan, Chad

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Movies, Television

Best of the DCOM’s

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I’ve been saying I would write this blog since I started The Salty Ju and nothing motivated me more than Disney announcing a MDW DCOM marathon and excluding some of my faves. So here’s the must-see list of the ole Disney classics whether you catch them on Disney this weekend or online…they’re worth a relive for nostalgia and mad LOLZ. Disclaimer: After doing further research, it turns out some of my faves that were left off the list are technically not DCOM’s as they were funded as feature films (which would explain why they have more star power.) Guess who doesn’t care? Moi. Were they on Disney? Yes. Did I watch them fo’ free? Yes. Then they’re Disney Channel Original Movies. End of discussion. Let’s rank.

Honorable Mention: Motocrossed

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I can pretty much tell you almost nothing about this movie but it’s on this list because Riley Smith. I think I only saw it the one time but if I know anything, it’s 90’s teen heartthrobs and Riley was top dog. This flick is supposed to be Disney’s dipping their toe into the waters of feminism but all I can think about is those baby blues in his lime green jumpsuit. But anyway, this chick kneeling in the front of this picture wants to be one of the boys and race with them in place of her brother so she chops off her hair and does just that. Pretty sure she also falls for Riley, because who wouldn’t? Sincerely praying she got a peek at him in the locker room, She’s the Man style.

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10. Double Teamed

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Don’t be such a bunch of pervs. This movie is about sports and twins, duh. Based on a true story (see, Disney was educational!) high school twins play volleyball togets then they had to move and start dabbling in basketball. I remember this movie being hilarious because they claimed to have that twin sense that made them like 1 trillion times better at sports. Like one would look for the other to pass to and telepathically through twin-ikenisis she would know to run to that corner and catch it. It was such a load of bullshit. Not to mention they apparently didn’t have the budget to cast actual twins, or like, just the same person like Lohan in The Parent Trap, so the two actresses looked nothing alike. There’s no way you can be in each other’s brains and not even be related! Whatever, they made it to the WNBA. Spoiler alert. Not bitter or anything. Twin bogus.

9. Gotta Kick it Up!

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I distinctly remember watching this one on premiere night with my sister and then us yelling Si Se Puede at each other for roughly an entire summer. Did it apply to anything we used it for? Probably not. But it was in Spanish and made us sound super exotic. This is the Latin flava movie and gave me some new spicy dance moves to try out no where because I have no rhythm. This random red-headed teacher in the movie did, though because she got doooowwwwnn and showed the dance team how to win.

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Bonus points for America Ferrera crushing it as Yolanda. Every time she danced solo everyone chanted “Go Yoli, Go Yoli.” What a firecracker.

[Editor’s Update: My sister just kindly reminded me that we had an obsession with neon highlighter window markers around the same time this movie came out and at one point each had Si Se Puede written on our bedroom windows. What a hip family we were. You know, if the definition of hip is carefully planning each month what quotes and doodles to draw on our windows with craft markers for no one to see but us and our probably 3 friends.]

8. The Luck of the Irish

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A St. Patrick’s Day staple on the Disney Channel, other top Disney hottie Ryan Merriman stars in this REAL weird number about Leprechauns. He casually finds out his mom is one, as Irish families sometimes do, and then has to get a coin back or something? I don’t really remember. What I do remember is his mom fitting in his pocket, him growing some pointy ears/bleached tips, and his grandpa being named Reilly O’Reilly. So I guess he’s pretty Irish. Also Kyle (Ryan Merriman) has to fight this evil leprechaun in a rowdy game of bball. And he is terrifying.

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7. Pixel Perfect

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This one got a little creepy BUT also gave me a fresh crush. Ricky Ullman was the leading male and also starred in my middle school locker via a Google image of him printed on fresh white computer paper. Smooches, Ricky. Anyway, he’s a nerd (and the glasses really work in his favor in this movie) so he creates a robot girl and then tries to cash in on her as a singer. He also falls in love with her and his BFF Sam is crushed because he likes a robot better than her.

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I’m pretty sure the jig was up when Ricky tried to smooch Loretta the hologram. CAN’T HAVE RELATIONS WITH COMPUTER IMAGES, BRO! Bonus points for the soulful songs that I most certainly ripped off Limewire.

 

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6. The Cheetah Girls

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There will never be a cooler friend group than the cheetah girls. Cause they had a cool handshake, and they sang rad songs, and they’re cheetah SISTAAAAHHHHS. Seriously though, those matching velour jumpsuits were on point and in a day when 3LW and their promithes, promithes were all the rage, this movie was the shit. Even their names–Galleria, Chanel, Aqua and Dorinda? Who the hell came up with these?!Remember when they rescued that little dog basically just by singing to it? Modern day heroes is what they are. You heard Chanel, You BEST respect the Cheetah Girls.

 

5. Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

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Describing this movie makes it sound SUUUUUPER dumb. But at the time, watching it gave me like a hundo new cool phrases to drop at the lunch table. Zetus Lapetus, you brought Doritos today?! Zenon wore neon colors and lived in space with her BFF Nebula…except she was punished by being sent to Earth. Earth sucks. We don’t have a cool AF spiky haired singer named Proto Zoa who croons “there’s no gravity between us, our love is automatic.” We have Bieber. Yuck. Props to Disney for playing right into the porcupine hair trend that was hot in the streets in the early 2000’s. Boys, you were a nobody unless you had a gelled front spike, preferably with bleached tips and that is obvious. All I ever wanted to be was Proto Zoa’s Supernova Girl, MAJOR!!!! (Now that I’ve reminded myself how stupid space talk is, I’m going to force it into every conversation for the next month until my friends want to murder me.)

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4. High School Musical

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I’m only counting the first one as a throwback classic because the second movie was dirt and the third hit theaters (and is still a bangpiece of a film.) Who would have thought theater kids could be cool in high school? Troy totes didn’t when he sneaky discovered that he loves to sing like a bird but feels REAL guilty because WHAT WILL HIS FELLOW BALLERS THINK? Bonus points for two high school freshman (I’m assuming they were infants) finding love via open mic on vacation. They really stuck it through too. Wildcats 4 lyfe. No movie scene will ever beat Troy stopping mid-dribble to sing himself through a mental breakdown. Quickest way to make me laugh out loud is to re-live that soliloquy.

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3. Life-Size

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Back when Lohan was still fairly well-adjusted and Tyra Banks wasn’t telling everyone to kiss her fat ass on daytime telly, we had another majestical and realistic story via Disney. Eve the Barbie has come to life through a magic spell and even though she has an endless closet and career choices in playworld, real life is ROUGH for her. Get used to it, Eve. The good news is that if she ever finds herself in a bind she can just sing her way out of it. WHERE YOU LIVE, WHERE YOU ARE BE A STAAAARRRRRR!

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Bonus points for feminism when we see that Barbie is actually a total asshole with a razzle dazzle raincoat and firecracker red nails who can’t work or cook to save a life. #ROLEMODEL That is, until her little tomboy friend Casey teaches her about life and makes her dad fall in love with a doll. Normal stuff.

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2. Wish Upon A Star

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I’m nothing if not dedicated and since this was one of my favorites, I re-watched it so that I could remember all the gems. And boy was this edgy for Disney. It’s your typical body switching movie, except that for a network that created a high school movie series where the couple doesn’t have their first kiss until the third movie…THIRD MOVIE (coughtroyandgabriellacough), this was risqué. Alexia Wheaton is the older and much more popular sister with the hot boyfriend—obviously named Kyle.

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Haley Wheaton could be a body double for Travis Birkenstock from the movie Clueless.

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As revenge for switching bodies, they each try to F the other one over, Haley (in Alexia’s body) gets her neck munched on by her sister’s boyfriend and Alexia (in Haley’s body) does a quick strip tease atop the lunch tables in a dominatrix outfit. You know, totally normal high school stuff.

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In this town there’s casually mad shooting stars and they have like 100 chances to switch back, no biggie. Bonus points for the frosted lipstick, white sparkly eye shadow and construction workers getting boners for 16 year olds. Also might I add that no matter what body switching occurs, I would never be down with sharing my BF with my sister and allowing them to tongue each other.

1. Model Behavior

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Ohhhh I don’t even know where to begin with this movie because everything about it is too great. Right off the bat, N*SYNC’s “Here We Go” in the opening credits with a camcorder at a high school party is such a hot start. Another life switching movie that ends in a high school dance (do you see a trend here with my favorite DCOM’s?) Janine the famous model just wants to be a regular teen and Alex the social outcast just wants to bang JT, I mean Jason Sharpe. Don’t we all, honey, don’t we all. I’d like to point out that this movie just further convinced pre-teen Julia that she had a shot with any celeb if this weirdo who makes her own costume-like clothes can get JT. Anyway, apparently if you pull your hair up and rock a pair of dark framed glasses, you’re a completely different human. WHO KNEW?!

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Jason may seem like a player but that’s all tabloid fodder, he’s really just modeling to pay for grad school…where he will study astronomy. Are we to believe that someone old enough to attend or think about attending grad school is willing to roll through a high school dance just for a smooch?

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On the other hand, Janine the model is “park your car directly in the apartment” kind of rich and ends up slumming it with Eric Singer, the popular jerk at school. Eric Singer is a hawt name but his personality is mud.

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Bonus points for Janine’s assistant Monique who has a mushroom cut and speaks like PeeWee Herman because every time she opens her mouth I laugh out loud.

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Also the pervy brother who waits outside of a ladies bathroom with a camcorder just to catch his sister on video. Bruh, did anything about that seem off? And finally the lolworthy confessional that occurred in the middle of the school dance with parents, little bros and potential boyfriends present. Oh, and Nobody’s Angel, appearing as: Nobody’s Angel. Best. Movie. Ever.

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Catch some of these movies this weekend: Click here for full schedule Unfortunately the top three will not be playing, but it’s possible they will be avail online. BOOOOOOOO. I don’t know why I’m complaining, I just set my DVR to tape roughly 20 movies. HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, ‘MURICA!

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville-“Maybe You’ll Appreciate Me Someday”

(Ehhh…probably not.)

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OH BOY. We are finished. The series of Nashville is dunzo (until they grovel so hard for a spot on Hulu and I pretend it no longer exists.) I counted down the minutes this episode, urging everyone to get their shit together by the very last frame. And they did. Sort of.

Let’s start with some LoLz. Colt facetiming Luke from “the army” wearing a camo bucket hat. They really made that one believable. How did he get his ass kicked for defending his dad’s liberal views and yet doesn’t get his ass kicked for rocking that bucket hat? Seems fishy, is all.

Let’s check in with Maddie for a hot sec. She’s still doing the NYC thing and upon meeting her producer, takes a kissy-faced selfie with him. SHE’S SO MATURE AND DESERVING OF AN EMANCIPATION. While shamelessly stalking their daughter on Instagram, Rayna reveals that Maddie’s producer Vince is the same one who tried to give her some unsolicited kissing back in the day. Deacon’s all, you don’t say! As he puts on his readers and goes in for a closer look. Just don’t accidentally double tap, Deacon! Every insta-creepers’ worst fear. Rayna somehow escaped the clutches of Vince back then (probably by flipping her magic hair and telling him to suck it) but she’s pretty concerned about Maddie. Probably because Maddie’s an idiot who would probably ask Vince mid-rape if he would mind posing for a quick snapchat (with the dog filter obvi.)

That may seem like a harsh assumption but when Vince drops the “I’m having some people by my private studio, you should stop by” line and Cash the wannabe is like WE’RE SO THERE, it doesn’t reeeaaallyy seem like a great idea. The second they walk in Maddie has her dumb phone out for a selfie. I want to hulk smash that phone out of her hand. More to come on the Maddie front but I’m irrationally angry about what a moron she is at the moment.

So we’re going to chat about Scarlett, whose southern accent gets more hick every time I hear it. My ears will be #blessed without it penetrating them every week. After another encouraging chat from that manager who’s only lines have been about headshots and tour offers up until this very last episode (cheers to you for finally getting your time to shine as a character in the series finale, guy) Scarlett decides to word vom it up to Gunnar that she loves him. Aaaand then Big Red comes tromping in like bull in china shop and is all omgggg you told her we’re together?! Die away from me, Red. She then manipulates Gunnar to believe Scarlett doesn’t really mean it, the Exes break up for a hot second, manager flexes his acting skills again with another pep talk and bingo bango, you’ve got a live Exes reunion when Gunnar plants one on Scarlett mid-concert. This generates an AWWWW for all normal people, and hysterical laughter from me. Be more predictable, Nashville. You can’t.

JK they totes can because guess whose garbage can devious plan went up in flames around her? Laaaaaayla. (Pls sing in Eric Clapton voice for full effect.) As she sees her sham of a publicity relationship with Avery going downhill, she calls in an anonymous tip to the paps that Juliette killed the Jeffster. There’s lawsuits and headlines and Juliette’s like whatever I’m over it, let’s do this thing. Kind of pokes a hole in Magnum Layla PI’s course of action here. I’ve never seen someone try so hard just to date a guy with a flavor savor. Gross. Glenn loses his shit on Layla, knowing exactly what she did and fires her. When you get yelled at by Glenn, you know you’ve hit rock bottom. At the same damn time, Luke tells Avery that Layla has known forever and it’s byeee bye bye bye bye to her career…and relashe. Juliette comes clean at the Oscars, proving how much she’s matured and Avery is like okay you may come back to us now that I know you almost offed yourself just because I divorced you. So everything’s roses for mommy, daddy and forever screeching baby Cadence. Right?

In the trend of full-circle character development, now that Will has decided to speak of his gayness on a political talk show, he’s fully embracing the community. He rallies some wily gays in Atlanta via Kevin (who’s newly single) to protest outside of Cynthia’s studio. In turns into a quick pop-up concert with a duet between Luke and Will that has Kevin soaking his undies out in the audience. Will finally gets his shot to appear on the show, crushes it, obviously and then gets some sage advice from Luke about going after Kevin. “You never know if you’ll get a second chance, until you take a chance.” Wow, Luke. That was PROFOUND. Sounds like it belongs in one of your shitty songs. Either way, both boys take that chinese proverb to heart. Kevin and Will are back at it again and not one for leaving a character without a happy ending—Luke tries to reunite with his ex-wife who we never once heard anything about and even chats it up with his daughter. Cause like, apparently he has other kids too, who didn’t witness a man tumble to his death and then join the army to escape it.

Alright, now that we’ve tied up all of our supporting characters’ lives neatly with a bow, let’s get back to the insufferable Maddie and her forever front-facing camera. Rayna can’t figure out a way to warn her because as Desperate Deacon points out, “she blocked us on Twitter!” Gawd, can you imagine your mom tweeting at you not to get raped by your producer? #AWKWARD. Rayna does her one better and pens an open letter to Huff Post. This is why you never underestimate Rayna James. Oh, I can’t call my daughter? Cool, I’ll just have my message to her published in a national newspaper in five minutes. Boom. Roasted.

Deacon continues to cr33p so hard on Maddie’s insta, refreshing it every 30 seconds—and this is why parents shouldn’t be on social media—but lookie, lookie, finds her #PartyAtVincesHouse post. For someone whose constantly on social media, that hashtag bloooows. Act like you’ve been here before, Maddie. In fact, I’ll whip up a caption 1000x better for your right meow. How about #PhotobombPervAlert or #WatchOutForViolationVince? I could go on for days. Jus sayin. While Rayna and Daphne sing a duet (only Rayna gets a rhinestoned mic…in due time Daphne, in due time) Maddie finds her mom’s letter and finally stops being a dum dum. Except Vince has Maddie pinned down and Deacon comes plowing through at the exact right second to stop it. So does Cash…cause I guess she’s done chitchatting with Chris Martin (it pains me that they brought Coldplay into this.) BYEEEE CASH!! Hope you had a fun ride on the coattails of a sixteen year old! Deacon brings Maddie home and they all have a life that’s good. Weird. Who called that?

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And that’s all folks! PSYCHE, as Juliette is skipping the Oscars to race home to her fam, her plane has a distress call and she probably died. Guitar Riff. She didn’t win an Oscar either. Tough night for Juliette. But like, at least everyone else lived happily ever after! Even Luke! (Probably not Teddy..) Sucks to suck, Juliette. Thanks for turning into a gr8 person just to maybe die, or at best, get lost at sea. Cause Nashville is surrounded by seas. Ok whatever. Let’s end the series on an uplifting note. Known for his shitty toupees and success relying directly upon Juliette, Glenn has kind of gotten the short end of the stick in this series. But him in those blue glasses at the Oscars? HoT DaMn! What a stud.

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Welp that’s all I got. Thank you for allowing me to shit on this show every week and make it more bearable to watch by poking fun at it. Hope you weren’t banking on a streaming service comeback as much as the writers who stuck us with that cliffhanger were. BYE YA’LL.

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(if you ever get lonely and have the nostalgic Nashville feels, hop right onto my playlist for a trip down memory lane of all the best music moments.)

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- This Is What Settling Looks Like

JOJO

“You are the bachelorette, and you are the bachelorette right now.”-Chris Harrison

The first fifteen minutes of this season were dedicated to JoJo staring at the ocean in 5 different outfits (one of them a bikini, her body’s like oookk, whatever) and getting “advice” from former bachelorettes. Kaitlyn’s advice was don’t sleep with a slimeball on TV. JK, she didn’t DIRECTLY say that. But she DID look like a baller in her leather high tops. (I didn’t watch Ali or Desiree’s season and therefore I have no comments for their lame advice.) The ladies ask JoJo if she’s ready to get engaged and she gives a HARD YES. This is why this show is garbage. Oh, and also because we’ve wrangled the largest group of losers I’ve ever seen. JoJo is a knockout smokeshow; unleashing her tits for night one and this is the crack team they’ve assembled to sweep her off her feet? Gimme a break. Let’s go man by man. If you notice someone is missing, it’s because they did nothing noteworthy or I was too busy drinking my sparkly pink wine to notice they existed.

Grant the firefighter.

Grant

Came in HOT (pun intended) with a, “I hope that JoJo is the one that lights my fire.” Ruined it immediately when he exits the limo and tells her that he won’t fall in love with more than one woman like Ben did…he’ll just love her. No shit, Grant. There’s only ONE Bachelorette (may the season of Britt/Kaitlyn RIP), also way to remind her that Ben didn’t love her as much as Lauren. Strike 1.

Jordan, Aaron Rodgers Jr.

Jordan

Jordan gets an opening bit where he tosses the football around in the pouring rain and talks about how he’s jelly of his bro. His last relationship failed because he loved football more and he really contemplates this in that tight Henley of his as fat droplets of water threaten to ruin his floppy head of hair. Jordan’s the first one out the limo and JoJo essentially creams herself. He’s smooth and tells her that his parents met and got engaged quickly and have been married for 37 years. Later, they have a nice chat and he bitches out on the smooch so he circles back for it and JoJo melts away and slobbers over his tight butt and how she needs to do squats. He gets the first impression rose and that’s obvious. He also has erect hair while he receives said rose.

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Alex US Marine.

Alex

Alex‘s twin is also a marine and I’m a little concernicus that when Alex points out how he wants a wife just like his twin’s that he isn’t just suggesting a sister wives scenario so they can have exactly matching lives. Other fun fact about Alex? He’s REAL short. I didn’t really notice this until his feet were dangling off the couch as he chatted it up with JoJo. Then JoJo sits on his back while he does pushups. It would’ve been cute if she wasn’t swaying around and looking like she was doing butt stuff.

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James the Bachelor Superfan.

James S

James does a shirtless intro in the mountains and admits he watches the Bachelor with his mom. He’s a real wiener.

 

Evan the erectile dysfunction guy.

Evan

“A lot of what I do is just pumping up my guys and getting them excited.” You’re barf.com, Evan and your hair is even worse IRL. He didn’t really do anything memorable with JoJo BUT he DID get his belly button poked. Hard. Multiple times. By another man.

Ali the Bartender.

Ali

Ali’s parents are from Iran and all his siblings are doctors. He’s crushing it with mixed drinks though, apparently. And surfing. And catching catfishers on MTV. The first night, he steps out of the limo with creepy wide eyes and probably cuts a lock of JoJo’s hair when he hugs her. Later he tickles the ivories for her because pianos just magically appear outside by the pool.

Christian the IT Guy?

Christian

I don’t actually remember what Christian does but he likes working out at 330 in the morning so I know I would never get along with him. He’s biracial and grew up without a father because his white fam was racist as hell. Still not sure why he’s raising two brothers that look like they could be in college, but I’m guessing it has to do with the dad drama. He seems chill and fairly normal. I can’t recall anything he did at the actual mansion.

Luke the War Veteran

Luke

is a farmer and basically recites the lyrics to small town girl in his opener. Seriously I could’ve been hammered if I drank every time he said “small town”. JK it wouldn’t have been possible with the rosé I was drinking with 6% alcohol. It shouldn’t even be legal to sell wine with no alcohol in it, honestly. Anyway, there’s something that still makes me feel the uncomfies about Luke but he DOES nail the limo exit by riding up on a unicorn horse. It’s cute and unique but does he have a lazy eye? Or what is it that’s creeping me out about Luke? Oh, I know…He describes Ben Higgins as a “soft, supple, smooth guy” Hey ladies, you know how you all hate the word moist? SUPPLE IS MUCH MUCH WORSE. Luke also Gives JoJo legit cowboy boots and I got a flare of jealousy. Then went back to being weirded out by Luke and his supple body.

Derek the commercial banker.

Derek

If you’ll recall I swooned hard over this guy mostly just from his pic. Baby blues for days. Unfortunately he was boring as hell last night. He called himself a nerd and was real nervsies. Get it together, Derek. WE NEED YOU.

Robby the swimmer

Robby

came with a bottle of wine and tells JoJo to drink from the bottle true to Fletcher family tradition. I like his style here except that he whisper talks and reminds me a touch of a serial killer. He also looks like CGI, so I’m pretty much out on Robby. Good effort.

Will (my kinda #1 pick)

Will

stepped out of the limo and dropped cards as part of a dumb bit. It fell flat. But not as flat as when he started unsolicited kissing JoJo via a cootie catcher. YIKES I’m done with Will. I apologize for ever steering you wrong but I’m not down with lip raping.

Chad

Chad

was weird and talked REAL close then got jelly of everyone else for the rest of the night because that’s what men who say their greatest achievement is “being born good looking” do.

Daniel the Canadian male model.

Daniel

His first words out of the limo are “Damn JoJo, back at it again with the Bachelorette” and it is terrible. He has to explain what Damn Daniel is to her later. Rule number one of comedy, always explain your jokes to death until you get a pity laugh. DAMN DANIEL, YOU’RE HILARIOUS. Daniel then drowns himself in alcohol probably because he relied on a snapchat joke a couple of fourteen year olds created to find his wife. He pokes the ED guy in the belly button a few times, then he strips naked for a quick dip.

James Taylor

James Taylor

is the guitar guy and comes out of the limo singing something dumb and I want him to go away immediately. He goes on about how they’re both from Texas. Except Texas is a massive state and cowboy Luke is working that angle as well.

Jonathan

Jonathan

declares, “I’m half Scottish below the waist” whilst wearing a kilt, therefore squashing all small dick assumptions because he’s Asian. Then he makes it rapey by adding that he’s not wearing any panties. PANTIES. Byebyebyebyebyebye. He sits in the mansion with his legs wide open and this season’s black bar already gets a workout.

Nick

Nick B

is dressed as Santa and gives JoJo a gift from his sack. Instead of saying hohoho, he says JoJoJoJo and I want to chop my ears off and put them in a blender. JoJo sits on his lap, HASHTAG PEDOPHILE. She’s like this should be creepy but it’s totally not. It totally is, JoJo. Then she pulls back his beard to reveal his face drowning in sweat and is like it’s probably best if you keep this on, St. Nick.

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Chase the medical sales rep

Chase

wears a fake stache and uses the “I mustache you a question but I think I’m going to shave it for later.” Graphic tees all over the world rejoice.

Sal

Sal

gives JoJo blue balls to squeeze.

 

Coley

Coley

tells a cheesy real estate joke and talks about how his nieces/nephews call him Uncle Co. And tries to sell that they could be Co and Jo. How about no?

Brandon the hipster

Brandon

is SO gross. He proves he is absolutely not a hipster when he tosses an overplayed “Damn Daniel” into the breeze as Daniel dives into the pool. HIPSTERS DON’T WATCH VIRAL VIDEOS, BRANDON YOU FRAUD. Also what a blow to have Coley and Brandon get out of the limo B2B. JoJo was probably like will I ever find an attractive male again?

Nick S. the bandanna wearing dog

Nick S

drops into a split upon meeting JoJo then proceeds to get sloppy drunk.

Vinny the barber

Vinny

gives her a piece of toast then thinks he’s auditioning for the Jersey Shore, gets hammered and crashes JoJo’s confessional. Act like you’ve ever drank before, bruh.

Peter the dirt stache

Peter

gives her a stuffed heart and wants to be her MCM.

James F. the boxer trying to be actor

James F

spars with JoJo a little bit but what really makes him stand out is his stance on belly poking: “You never poke another man’s belly button.”

Wells

Wells

uses his radio DJ connects to bring out All-4-One to serenade JoJo with “I Swear”. She doesn’t even know who they are but she eats that shit right up. It then gets a touch annoying when they follow him around all night and won’t stop harmonizing and snapping.

PLOT TWIST: During the rose ceremony, Jake Pavelka rolls in, and he’s apparently a “close family friend.” CLOSE like JoJo’s brothers are with her orrrr? Anyway, he just thought this would be an opportune time to tell her how important it is to find love and give some family friendly advice. And you know, collect another ABC paycheck. THANKS JAKE!! You can take your dad jokes and go home now.

Roses: Jordan, Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Nick, Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, Daniel (ugh the OP/Tony of this season)

Teaser for the season: Jordan probably wins, and apparently Chad turns into a real psychopath and there’s a fight with a LOT of blood. Hey guys, remember when Leah got punched in the face? Yeah, me neither. Nice try, ABC. I don’t trust your sizzle reels for a G-D second. What I do trust is that Chad is a weirdo because I called it so hard. What sane person writes “me in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” as an answer to three separate question? Psychopaths.

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Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap 2016

I would’ve done a red carpet except that I only found roughly 14 pictures and I hated them all. It’s kind of hard to post a blog specifically to razz celebrity outfits when I looked like this while watching the awards last night (and all day out in public yesterday.)

icebox

So instead I’ll give you the full recap breaking down the LoLz and the things that frankly were a NO (Meghan Trainor style) for me. YA NEED TO LET IT GO.

 

Yaassss:

The Weeknd won the first award and in his speech he spoke highly of Prince with, “I didn’t know him but I was close to him.” This sincerely made me laugh out loud.

Shawn Mendes did a supes emosh performance of Stitches that gave me all the feels. I’m already pretty sick of that song but watching him get down and dirty with it was worth it.

Speaking of Worth It, Fifth Harmony showed off how skilled they are at patting the puss Erika Jayne style AND dropping it low. They simultaneously showed off how unskilled they are at singing. Props for this song being a better version of Rihanna’s WERKWERKEWERKWERKWERK annoyingness though. And for suddenly turning at-home-jobs suuuper dirrrty.

Without even knowing it, I took a bathroom break right as Gwen and Blake were performing. So props to me for having a perfectly timed bladder emergency because if I had to sit through that whole butchering of music I would’ve ripped my ears clean off my head. We get it, guys. You’re together. A couple does not a musical collaboration make.

This is what Lukas Graham looks like. And this song bangs. Plus he actually sang it IRL.

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Celine gets the icon award and sings “The Show Must Go On” with a full orchestra and a champagne glitter dress. I mean it was obviously phenomenal but seriously, GIVE US THE HITS, CELINE! Billboard really banked on the waterworks by bringing out her son Rene Charles to present the award and she lost it. What a bunch of assholes these producers are. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. When Celine cries everyone cries. She apologizes and throws up a trib to her late husband. PS Her son is only 15, ya pervs. But he can give me a buzz in like 7 years.

 

The Go Go’s Reunion added some much-needed mom jamz into the mix. Watching those sassy middle aged women mom snap all over the stage was gr8. Also reminded me of the days when my mom would play The Bangles for us and we would crush the choreography. Meanwhile, every tween in the audience checked Twitter during this number.

Adele looked like a dime piece in the “Send my Love (to your new lover)” music video. Otherwise it was boring AF.

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Rihanna wore a furry animal’s tail around her neck and double decker sunglasses to do a slow jam in green lighting. It wasn’t Work and it wasn’t Bitch Better Have My Money so it was welcome by me.

Demi SLAY BITCH Lovato:

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Ariana brought out her bad gurl side.

 

Nahhh:

Britney is the opener because the show is in Vegas and she currently has a residency there. I guess I missed the part where she turned into a full on robot because her dancing was cringeworthy during this medley of hits. Lip syncing was really on point though. Hey is there a show where celebrities can dress up, dance terribly and not sing? Her body’s still tight as hell, so at least she’s got that going for her.

As new host, Ciara shakes her lady bits all over the stage while Russell Wilson nutted just from watching, front row. (They don’t have sex, guys.) Even Luda was like CHECK OUT DEM LEGS, GUYS. As he mopped up drool slobbering from his mouth.

ciara'slegs

Pink tossed it back to the year 2014 when she graced every awards show with an acrobatic ribbon routine. Except this time she just whipped through the crowd on a spinning clock, touched onstage to sing her song then was lifted with a clock hand at the end. SO ALICE IN WONDERLAND. SO OVER IT.

pinkclock

Tove Lo and Nick Jonas pitched their way through “Close” and then teased a smooch at the end. Tongue was honestly the only thing that could’ve saved that performance. Except Nick couldn’t even reach her mouth. Wittle guy.

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Kesha gives this dramatic and controversial performance (cough cough Dr. Luke) and yet WEARS A HIDEOUS WHITE SUIT WITH GLITTER DECALS AND BANGS. Like I get that it’s frowned upon to talk shit about this because she’s been through some shit this year but come on. Ben Folds tickled the ivories and she covered a Bob Dylan song. At least she changed it up and showed she actually has a good voice.

kesha

Madonna sings “Nothing Compares 2 U” for Prince. Stevie Wonder then stumbled out for a little Purple Rain. It was just like…fine.

madonna

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