With the premiere just a week away, it’s time to start gearing up for JoJo’s season of the Bachelorette. If this group photo is any indication, I’m already over it. Cool Santa suit, bruh. I have carefully studied (briefly skimmed) each bro’s bio to give you the official ranking of who blows and who might have a fighting chance based on how well they photograph and how witty they are at answering stock questions. I’d like to commend Bach writers/producers for asking one of the dumbest questions ever with “Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?” essentially allowing every guy to say that they rotate between all three depending on their mood. Let’s re-visit the rest of the thought-provoking questions in my ranking…
James Taylor, 29 Singer/Songwriter.
Ugh, Ugh, the name, the occupation, the gelled forehead curl and fiery orange beard. Byeeeeeeee. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.
Nick S., 26 Software Salesman.
NICK IS WEARING A BANDANNA AROUND HIS NECK LIKE A DOG WHO JUST WENT TO THE GROOMER.
Evan, 33 Erectile Dysfunction Expert.
If this job title was supposed to be clever & funny, I can assure you it is not. Evan claims to be very “in touch with his sexual energy”, which gives me all the cringes and he also is preeeettyyyy picky when it comes to ladies so just from one skim of his bio I can tell you why he’s quite single at 33. Also, let’s not overlook that side bang.
Brandon, 28 Hipster.
Apparently being a douchebag is a career now. Brandon wants a Noah and Allie type of love. Who knew hipsters liked mainstream rom-coms? FRAUD.
Jonathan, 29 Technical Sales Rep.
Hates veggies but loves his lettuce. HeeyyOoooo. No, but seriously. Also thinks gluten allergies are fake. CONTROVERSY. If my eyes haven’t tricked me, Jonathan rolls up night one wearing a kilt. With that move he bumped himself to the bottom of the pack.
Chad, 28 Luxury Real Estate Agent.
Directly from Chad’s bio: Who do you admire most in the world and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
What is your greatest achievement to date? Being born good looking.
Go home Chad, you’re drunk. (Most likely to be one half of the Clint/JJ duo this season.)
Wells, 31 Radio DJ.
I want to like Wells but he’s a walking conundrum. His name is weird, and he’s naturally looking to get more publicity (get syndicated) by going on this show and boosting his social media follows. He hates cats (team no cat foreva) BUT also hates pizza? I can’t trust this jabroni. And that pinned/patched denim jacket is trying too hard and that’s obvious.
Christian, 26 Telecom Consultant.
Has two cats, nuff said. Although he tacked on that his ex took his Chihuahua and there’s definitely a story there. SAD FACE. Wants to go to space for some intergalactic selfies and apparently got in touch with his Magic Mike side in college.
Daniel, 31 Male Model.
Ummm…are we sure? Out of all of these men, this one is the profesh looker? Something doesn’t add up here. Really loves Lamborghini analogies:
Tattoos: No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.
Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?
Aaaannd I hate him.
Ali, 27 Bartender.
Describes himself as “Party-starter with a laid-back attitude.” Whatever that means. Once had long luscious locks. And regrets it. He’s no Tim Riggins.
Coley, 27 Real Estate Consultant AKA assistant in a real estate office.
THAT SLICKED HAIR. NO THANK YOU. Coley wants to travel, loves Merica and Hogwarts.
James F., 34 Boxing Club Owner.
In the process of removing 3 tats. He has fitness and acting dreams (and will probably have a blog/hawk a protein powder in 3 months time)
Nick B., 33 Electrical Engineer.
Could only last one day inside a woman’s brain. Take that as you will. Reads “Ducks Unlimited.” 90% SURE HE’S SANTA FROM NIGHT ONE. NOPE.
Vinny, 28 Barber.
Vinny IS SUCH A VINNY. If you just showed me this picture I would tell you that Vinny is an Italian barber mama’s boy who doesn’t let anyone mess with his meats. The hair, the fact that he calls his friends his “boys”. Everything adds up. Cliché city, population: Vinny. I can’t WAIT to hear this goombah speak because I KNOW he’s going to have an accent. PS Vinny- pics or it didn’t happen with your bleached JT style tips from back in the day.
Peter, 26 Staffing Agency Manager.
Peter, your facial hair sucks. Boom, roasted. Regardless of the dirt stache, Peter crushes it at work because he’s gotten promoted at every job. He’s also pretty diverse because he went through a skater AND thug phase. He also lucked out real hard in his suit choice opening night because he coordinated it perfectly with JoJo’s flesh colored dress.
Chase, 27 Medical Sales Rep.
Meh.This is the part of the ranking where all the boring people go because they haven’t done enough to impress me. Chase will do anything for love but won’t sell his truck. Is afraid of a girl falling in love with him on the first date, which is REAL cocky.
Jake, 27 Landscape Architect.
In five years Jake sees himself married to the bachelorette with kids. So definitely isn’t lacking confidence but also shouldn’t bank on a family from Texas being down AF with interracial marriages. Used to have sonic the hedgehog hair and looks REALLY surprised that this photo is being taken.
Jordan, 27 Former Pro Quarterback.
YO WHAT TEAM? You can’t tease with that and not give a team name and explain why it’s a “former” job. Something’s fishy here. Also how did a helmet fit over that swoopy hair? Update: A reputable source tells me this is Aaron Rodgers’ brother and in her words he’s a “‘former’ footballer because he couldn’t live up to big bros hype.” ZINGGGGG.
Alex is a twin, though that’s not his occupation because he’s male and not a blonde cheerleader stereotype cough, cough (he’s a marine.) He likes to slow dance, middle school style, probably to “Perfect” by Simple Plan because he went through a sk8er boi phase. Also humblebrags about saving someone from a fiery car wreck. Just your average Luke from The Longest Ride. Sigh.
Grant, 27 Firefighter.
Once evaded police in Mexico on an ATV and I’d like to know why. Intrigue. Saves lives, doesn’t love Harry Potter, DOES love Home Alone. Has nailed the sexy flirty pose, so he’ll be modeling for a firefighters shirtless calendar in no time.
Luke, 31 War Veteran.
Second person to mention Mark Cuban in his interview so I guess everyone slobbers real hard for the Cubez. I don’t have that many mean things to say about Luke here. Anyone who loves Step Brothers is okay in my book. This picture kind of gives me the scaries though.
James S., 27 Bachelor Superfan.
Oh great, this guy won’t be a weirdo. Damn he looks fab in mint though. His number is low because he probably has Bachelor Mondays and calls into Chris Harrison’s after show. JK he thinks intimacy is important and isn’t a whorebag. Respect.
Robby, 27 Former Competitive Swimmer.
Obv means he’s got the body dreams are made of. Nothing else stands out about Robby. He’s all about that nut hugger life and wants a bajillion kids or something. T’s & P’s for JoJo’s vagina if they end up togets.
Sal, 28 Operations Manager.
Sal has an old man’s name and seems pretty low-key. The most outrageous thing he ever did was egg his gym teacher’s house as a rambunctious teen. He’d be a nice guy to settle down with, hates snakes and the Kardashians, plus he’s a real cutie. A real safe pick for JoJo…reminds me of Ben Higgi.
Derek, 29 Commercial Banker.
“My baby blues tend to get a lot of front-end attention” is the understatement of the year. Those eyes are automatic panty-soakers. Flooded basements from just one look. Oh, sorry. I got distracted. Derek hates cucumbers and fluffy kittens, skinny dipped in the ocean, but did not get chomped on by a shark. He’s a top pick because he’s obviously a smokeshow and if it matters to JoJo, he probz brings home the bacon.
Will, 26 Civil Engineer.
Will seems like an attractive goofy goober and that goes pretty far with me. His go-to dance move is “Bernie-ing” and if he could be anyone for a day he would be J.May to melt faces & hearts. Except now that I’m looking at his picture again I’m thinking he’s less attractive than my kneejerk reaction. Ugh, whatever, I don’t have a clear ringleader from this group. You heard it here first, The Salty Ju will not be calling a winner. Which sucks, because I crushed it when I chose Shawn last season. Can’t win them all.
Find full bios here and tune in next week to see if JoJo’s aggressive and slightly attracted to her brothers approve of this group of dum dums.