Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- This Is What Settling Looks Like

JOJO

“You are the bachelorette, and you are the bachelorette right now.”-Chris Harrison

The first fifteen minutes of this season were dedicated to JoJo staring at the ocean in 5 different outfits (one of them a bikini, her body’s like oookk, whatever) and getting “advice” from former bachelorettes. Kaitlyn’s advice was don’t sleep with a slimeball on TV. JK, she didn’t DIRECTLY say that. But she DID look like a baller in her leather high tops. (I didn’t watch Ali or Desiree’s season and therefore I have no comments for their lame advice.) The ladies ask JoJo if she’s ready to get engaged and she gives a HARD YES. This is why this show is garbage. Oh, and also because we’ve wrangled the largest group of losers I’ve ever seen. JoJo is a knockout smokeshow; unleashing her tits for night one and this is the crack team they’ve assembled to sweep her off her feet? Gimme a break. Let’s go man by man. If you notice someone is missing, it’s because they did nothing noteworthy or I was too busy drinking my sparkly pink wine to notice they existed.

Grant the firefighter.

Grant

Came in HOT (pun intended) with a, “I hope that JoJo is the one that lights my fire.” Ruined it immediately when he exits the limo and tells her that he won’t fall in love with more than one woman like Ben did…he’ll just love her. No shit, Grant. There’s only ONE Bachelorette (may the season of Britt/Kaitlyn RIP), also way to remind her that Ben didn’t love her as much as Lauren. Strike 1.

Jordan, Aaron Rodgers Jr.

Jordan

Jordan gets an opening bit where he tosses the football around in the pouring rain and talks about how he’s jelly of his bro. His last relationship failed because he loved football more and he really contemplates this in that tight Henley of his as fat droplets of water threaten to ruin his floppy head of hair. Jordan’s the first one out the limo and JoJo essentially creams herself. He’s smooth and tells her that his parents met and got engaged quickly and have been married for 37 years. Later, they have a nice chat and he bitches out on the smooch so he circles back for it and JoJo melts away and slobbers over his tight butt and how she needs to do squats. He gets the first impression rose and that’s obvious. He also has erect hair while he receives said rose.

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Alex US Marine.

Alex

Alex‘s twin is also a marine and I’m a little concernicus that when Alex points out how he wants a wife just like his twin’s that he isn’t just suggesting a sister wives scenario so they can have exactly matching lives. Other fun fact about Alex? He’s REAL short. I didn’t really notice this until his feet were dangling off the couch as he chatted it up with JoJo. Then JoJo sits on his back while he does pushups. It would’ve been cute if she wasn’t swaying around and looking like she was doing butt stuff.

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James the Bachelor Superfan.

James S

James does a shirtless intro in the mountains and admits he watches the Bachelor with his mom. He’s a real wiener.

 

Evan the erectile dysfunction guy.

Evan

“A lot of what I do is just pumping up my guys and getting them excited.” You’re barf.com, Evan and your hair is even worse IRL. He didn’t really do anything memorable with JoJo BUT he DID get his belly button poked. Hard. Multiple times. By another man.

Ali the Bartender.

Ali

Ali’s parents are from Iran and all his siblings are doctors. He’s crushing it with mixed drinks though, apparently. And surfing. And catching catfishers on MTV. The first night, he steps out of the limo with creepy wide eyes and probably cuts a lock of JoJo’s hair when he hugs her. Later he tickles the ivories for her because pianos just magically appear outside by the pool.

Christian the IT Guy?

Christian

I don’t actually remember what Christian does but he likes working out at 330 in the morning so I know I would never get along with him. He’s biracial and grew up without a father because his white fam was racist as hell. Still not sure why he’s raising two brothers that look like they could be in college, but I’m guessing it has to do with the dad drama. He seems chill and fairly normal. I can’t recall anything he did at the actual mansion.

Luke the War Veteran

Luke

is a farmer and basically recites the lyrics to small town girl in his opener. Seriously I could’ve been hammered if I drank every time he said “small town”. JK it wouldn’t have been possible with the rosé I was drinking with 6% alcohol. It shouldn’t even be legal to sell wine with no alcohol in it, honestly. Anyway, there’s something that still makes me feel the uncomfies about Luke but he DOES nail the limo exit by riding up on a unicorn horse. It’s cute and unique but does he have a lazy eye? Or what is it that’s creeping me out about Luke? Oh, I know…He describes Ben Higgins as a “soft, supple, smooth guy” Hey ladies, you know how you all hate the word moist? SUPPLE IS MUCH MUCH WORSE. Luke also Gives JoJo legit cowboy boots and I got a flare of jealousy. Then went back to being weirded out by Luke and his supple body.

Derek the commercial banker.

Derek

If you’ll recall I swooned hard over this guy mostly just from his pic. Baby blues for days. Unfortunately he was boring as hell last night. He called himself a nerd and was real nervsies. Get it together, Derek. WE NEED YOU.

Robby the swimmer

Robby

came with a bottle of wine and tells JoJo to drink from the bottle true to Fletcher family tradition. I like his style here except that he whisper talks and reminds me a touch of a serial killer. He also looks like CGI, so I’m pretty much out on Robby. Good effort.

Will (my kinda #1 pick)

Will

stepped out of the limo and dropped cards as part of a dumb bit. It fell flat. But not as flat as when he started unsolicited kissing JoJo via a cootie catcher. YIKES I’m done with Will. I apologize for ever steering you wrong but I’m not down with lip raping.

Chad

Chad

was weird and talked REAL close then got jelly of everyone else for the rest of the night because that’s what men who say their greatest achievement is “being born good looking” do.

Daniel the Canadian male model.

Daniel

His first words out of the limo are “Damn JoJo, back at it again with the Bachelorette” and it is terrible. He has to explain what Damn Daniel is to her later. Rule number one of comedy, always explain your jokes to death until you get a pity laugh. DAMN DANIEL, YOU’RE HILARIOUS. Daniel then drowns himself in alcohol probably because he relied on a snapchat joke a couple of fourteen year olds created to find his wife. He pokes the ED guy in the belly button a few times, then he strips naked for a quick dip.

James Taylor

James Taylor

is the guitar guy and comes out of the limo singing something dumb and I want him to go away immediately. He goes on about how they’re both from Texas. Except Texas is a massive state and cowboy Luke is working that angle as well.

Jonathan

Jonathan

declares, “I’m half Scottish below the waist” whilst wearing a kilt, therefore squashing all small dick assumptions because he’s Asian. Then he makes it rapey by adding that he’s not wearing any panties. PANTIES. Byebyebyebyebyebye. He sits in the mansion with his legs wide open and this season’s black bar already gets a workout.

Nick

Nick B

is dressed as Santa and gives JoJo a gift from his sack. Instead of saying hohoho, he says JoJoJoJo and I want to chop my ears off and put them in a blender. JoJo sits on his lap, HASHTAG PEDOPHILE. She’s like this should be creepy but it’s totally not. It totally is, JoJo. Then she pulls back his beard to reveal his face drowning in sweat and is like it’s probably best if you keep this on, St. Nick.

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Chase the medical sales rep

Chase

wears a fake stache and uses the “I mustache you a question but I think I’m going to shave it for later.” Graphic tees all over the world rejoice.

Sal

Sal

gives JoJo blue balls to squeeze.

 

Coley

Coley

tells a cheesy real estate joke and talks about how his nieces/nephews call him Uncle Co. And tries to sell that they could be Co and Jo. How about no?

Brandon the hipster

Brandon

is SO gross. He proves he is absolutely not a hipster when he tosses an overplayed “Damn Daniel” into the breeze as Daniel dives into the pool. HIPSTERS DON’T WATCH VIRAL VIDEOS, BRANDON YOU FRAUD. Also what a blow to have Coley and Brandon get out of the limo B2B. JoJo was probably like will I ever find an attractive male again?

Nick S. the bandanna wearing dog

Nick S

drops into a split upon meeting JoJo then proceeds to get sloppy drunk.

Vinny the barber

Vinny

gives her a piece of toast then thinks he’s auditioning for the Jersey Shore, gets hammered and crashes JoJo’s confessional. Act like you’ve ever drank before, bruh.

Peter the dirt stache

Peter

gives her a stuffed heart and wants to be her MCM.

James F. the boxer trying to be actor

James F

spars with JoJo a little bit but what really makes him stand out is his stance on belly poking: “You never poke another man’s belly button.”

Wells

Wells

uses his radio DJ connects to bring out All-4-One to serenade JoJo with “I Swear”. She doesn’t even know who they are but she eats that shit right up. It then gets a touch annoying when they follow him around all night and won’t stop harmonizing and snapping.

PLOT TWIST: During the rose ceremony, Jake Pavelka rolls in, and he’s apparently a “close family friend.” CLOSE like JoJo’s brothers are with her orrrr? Anyway, he just thought this would be an opportune time to tell her how important it is to find love and give some family friendly advice. And you know, collect another ABC paycheck. THANKS JAKE!! You can take your dad jokes and go home now.

Roses: Jordan, Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Nick, Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, Daniel (ugh the OP/Tony of this season)

Teaser for the season: Jordan probably wins, and apparently Chad turns into a real psychopath and there’s a fight with a LOT of blood. Hey guys, remember when Leah got punched in the face? Yeah, me neither. Nice try, ABC. I don’t trust your sizzle reels for a G-D second. What I do trust is that Chad is a weirdo because I called it so hard. What sane person writes “me in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” as an answer to three separate question? Psychopaths.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S12-Ranking The Contestants

bachelorettejojocontestants

With the premiere just a week away, it’s time to start gearing up for JoJo’s season of the Bachelorette. If this group photo is any indication, I’m already over it. Cool Santa suit, bruh. I have carefully studied (briefly skimmed) each bro’s bio to give you the official ranking of who blows and who might have a fighting chance based on how well they photograph and how witty they are at answering stock questions. I’d like to commend Bach writers/producers for asking one of the dumbest questions ever with “Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?” essentially allowing every guy to say that they rotate between all three depending on their mood. Let’s re-visit the rest of the thought-provoking questions in my ranking…

James Taylor, 29 Singer/Songwriter.

James Taylor

Ugh, Ugh, the name, the occupation, the gelled forehead curl and fiery orange beard. Byeeeeeeee. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Nick S., 26 Software Salesman.

Nick S

NICK IS WEARING A BANDANNA AROUND HIS NECK LIKE A DOG WHO JUST WENT TO THE GROOMER.

Evan, 33 Erectile Dysfunction Expert.

Evan

If this job title was supposed to be clever & funny, I can assure you it is not. Evan claims to be very “in touch with his sexual energy”, which gives me all the cringes and he also is preeeettyyyy picky when it comes to ladies so just from one skim of his bio I can tell you why he’s quite single at 33. Also, let’s not overlook that side bang.

Brandon, 28 Hipster.

Brandon

Apparently being a douchebag is a career now. Brandon wants a Noah and Allie type of love. Who knew hipsters liked mainstream rom-coms? FRAUD.

Jonathan, 29 Technical Sales Rep.

Jonathan

Hates veggies but loves his lettuce. HeeyyOoooo. No, but seriously. Also thinks gluten allergies are fake. CONTROVERSY. If my eyes haven’t tricked me, Jonathan rolls up night one wearing a kilt. With that move he bumped himself to the bottom of the pack.

Chad, 28 Luxury Real Estate Agent.

Chad

Directly from Chad’s bio: Who do you admire most in the world and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

What is your greatest achievement to date? Being born good looking.

Go home Chad, you’re drunk. (Most likely to be one half of the Clint/JJ duo this season.)

Wells, 31 Radio DJ.

Wells

I want to like Wells but he’s a walking conundrum. His name is weird, and he’s naturally looking to get more publicity (get syndicated) by going on this show and boosting his social media follows. He hates cats (team no cat foreva) BUT also hates pizza? I can’t trust this jabroni. And that pinned/patched denim jacket is trying too hard and that’s obvious.

Christian, 26 Telecom Consultant.

Christian

Has two cats, nuff said. Although he tacked on that his ex took his Chihuahua and there’s definitely a story there. SAD FACE. Wants to go to space for some intergalactic selfies and apparently got in touch with his Magic Mike side in college.

Daniel, 31 Male Model.

Daniel

Ummm…are we sure? Out of all of these men, this one is the profesh looker? Something doesn’t add up here. Really loves Lamborghini analogies:

Tattoos: No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.

Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?

Aaaannd I hate him.

Ali, 27 Bartender.

Ali

Describes himself as “Party-starter with a laid-back attitude.” Whatever that means. Once had long luscious locks. And regrets it. He’s no Tim Riggins.

Coley, 27 Real Estate Consultant AKA assistant in a real estate office.

Coley

 THAT SLICKED HAIR. NO THANK YOU. Coley wants to travel, loves Merica and Hogwarts.

James F., 34 Boxing Club Owner.

James F

In the process of removing 3 tats. He has fitness and acting dreams (and will probably have a blog/hawk a protein powder in 3 months time)

Nick B., 33 Electrical Engineer.

Nick B

Could only last one day inside a woman’s brain. Take that as you will. Reads “Ducks Unlimited.” 90% SURE HE’S SANTA FROM NIGHT ONE. NOPE.

Vinny, 28 Barber.

Vinny

Vinny IS SUCH A VINNY. If you just showed me this picture I would tell you that Vinny is an Italian barber mama’s boy who doesn’t let anyone mess with his meats. The hair, the fact that he calls his friends his “boys”. Everything adds up. Cliché city, population: Vinny.  I can’t WAIT to hear this goombah speak because I KNOW he’s going to have an accent. PS Vinny- pics or it didn’t happen with your bleached JT style tips from back in the day.

Peter, 26 Staffing Agency Manager.

Peter

Peter, your facial hair sucks. Boom, roasted. Regardless of the dirt stache, Peter crushes it at work because he’s gotten promoted at every job. He’s also pretty diverse because he went through a skater AND thug phase. He also lucked out real hard in his suit choice opening night because he coordinated it perfectly with JoJo’s flesh colored dress.

Chase, 27 Medical Sales Rep.

Chase

Meh.This is the part of the ranking where all the boring people go because they haven’t done enough to impress me. Chase will do anything for love but won’t sell his truck. Is afraid of a girl falling in love with him on the first date, which is REAL cocky.

Jake, 27 Landscape Architect.

Jake

In five years Jake sees himself married to the bachelorette with kids. So definitely isn’t lacking confidence but also shouldn’t bank on a family from Texas being down AF with interracial marriages. Used to have sonic the hedgehog hair and looks REALLY surprised that this photo is being taken.

Jordan, 27 Former Pro Quarterback.

Jordan

YO WHAT TEAM? You can’t tease with that and not give a team name and explain why it’s a “former” job. Something’s fishy here. Also how did a helmet fit over that swoopy hair? Update: A reputable source tells me this is Aaron Rodgers’ brother and in her words he’s a “‘former’ footballer because he couldn’t live up to big bros hype.” ZINGGGGG.

Alex, 25

Alex

Alex is a twin, though that’s not his occupation because he’s male and not a blonde cheerleader stereotype cough, cough (he’s a marine.) He likes to slow dance, middle school style, probably to “Perfect” by Simple Plan because he went through a sk8er boi phase. Also humblebrags about saving someone from a fiery car wreck. Just your average Luke from The Longest Ride. Sigh.

Grant, 27 Firefighter.

Grant

Once evaded police in Mexico on an ATV and I’d like to know why. Intrigue. Saves lives, doesn’t love Harry Potter, DOES love Home Alone. Has nailed the sexy flirty pose, so he’ll be modeling for a firefighters shirtless calendar in no time.

Luke, 31 War Veteran.

Luke

Second person to mention Mark Cuban in his interview so I guess everyone slobbers real hard for the Cubez. I don’t have that many mean things to say about Luke here. Anyone who loves Step Brothers is okay in my book. This picture kind of gives me the scaries though.

James S., 27 Bachelor Superfan.

James S

Oh great, this guy won’t be a weirdo. Damn he looks fab in mint though. His number is low because he probably has Bachelor Mondays and calls into Chris Harrison’s after show. JK he thinks intimacy is important and isn’t a whorebag. Respect.

Robby, 27 Former Competitive Swimmer.

Robby

Obv means he’s got the body dreams are made of. Nothing else stands out about Robby. He’s all about that nut hugger life and wants a bajillion kids or something. T’s & P’s for JoJo’s vagina if they end up togets.

Sal, 28 Operations Manager.

Sal

Sal has an old man’s name and seems pretty low-key. The most outrageous thing he ever did was egg his gym teacher’s house as a rambunctious teen. He’d be a nice guy to settle down with, hates snakes and the Kardashians, plus he’s a real cutie. A real safe pick for JoJo…reminds me of Ben Higgi.

Derek, 29 Commercial Banker.

Derek

“My baby blues tend to get a lot of front-end attention” is the understatement of the year. Those eyes are automatic panty-soakers. Flooded basements from just one look. Oh, sorry. I got distracted. Derek hates cucumbers and fluffy kittens, skinny dipped in the ocean, but did not get chomped on by a shark. He’s a top pick because he’s obviously a smokeshow and if it matters to JoJo, he probz brings home the bacon.

Will, 26 Civil Engineer.

Will

Will seems like an attractive goofy goober and that goes pretty far with me. His go-to dance move is “Bernie-ing” and if he could be anyone for a day he would be J.May to melt faces & hearts. Except now that I’m looking at his picture again I’m thinking he’s less attractive than my kneejerk reaction. Ugh, whatever, I don’t have a clear ringleader from this group. You heard it here first, The Salty Ju will not be calling a winner. Which sucks, because I crushed it when I chose Shawn last season. Can’t win them all.

Find full bios here and tune in next week to see if JoJo’s aggressive and slightly attracted to her brothers approve of this group of dum dums.

 

 

 

 

 

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