I just returned from a European vacay, and in true asshole “I’ve traveled abroad” fashion, I went to Price Chopper and bought myself a whole baguette as a casj snack to pretend I don’t actually live in the trashhole that is America. Why am I telling you this? Well, because I settled in to judge the AMA’s red carpet looks with an ENTIRE charcuterie board and bottle of rosé, just by myself. There was not a snack left in sight within 20 mins of the show starting. This is the kind of qualifications I bear to pinpoint when people look bad or sound bad at awards shows. Who better to cast stones than someone who skipped the gym and ate olives, bread, meats and cheeses for dinner in sweatpants. KEEP IT COMIN, HOLLYWOOD AND I’LL KEEP JUDGING.
But enough about me, let’s briefly recap the highlights of the show. Selena SOMEHOW nabbed the opening performance and dear lord did she make everyone question that. Selena has been MIA for 2 years (in rehab & recovering from Justin Bieber dumping her again and getting married 5 minutes later to someone he wasn’t even dating at the time) and tonight was her big comeback singing her two most recent singles about getting over that Biebz good good. Unfortunately she’s delivering burns to JB by singing “you sang off key in my chorus” while SINGING OFF KEY. Her voice was beyond bad. Like I sing karaoke better than her bad. On top of that, she barely moved her body for the dance number. Really mailed it in all around and that was the kickoff to the AMA’s.
Yoooo Selena Gomez is WRECKED on stage right now. She’s not even trying to move! 😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/GxGixYnmUa
Then we got Camila & Shawn still not smooching–at this point are they even dating if they don’t tongue each other onstage? Taylor’s audience SHOCKED faces (enough of this already) and then her Artist of the Decade medley where the ONLY shade she threw was toward Selena by not including her in the besties “Shake It Off” portion of her performance. Do you think Tay sat her down and was like look, I know we’re BFF’s but your voice stinks and I only want good singers onstage with me? Cause I do. But seriously where was the Big Machine drama? Starting off by singing The Man with a white lab coat with all of your Big Machine records listed on it with a bunch of 5 year olds was not dramatic enough for me and I was v. disappointed. Other than that, Halsey’s paint ball performance was cool as hell and Shania and her leopard men brought down the hizzouse as the grand finale.
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We flew too close to the sun with Halsey’s red carpet looks, guys. She was 2/2 and I knew she couldn’t pull a trifecta. I hoped she would but here we are. Hailing from another planet, red hair rectangles glued on top of her head, eyebrows ceasing to exist & rainbow eyes. The dress isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen her wear but it’s not GREAT EITHER. GAWD, HALSEY.
Great color but can’t exactly get on board with the Shaq-sized sports jacket and hard flare pants.
Lizzo is an orange cupcake. Don’t do ruffles, girl. Just don’t. Shout out to her purse tho–wonder if she’s holding Will Ferrell’s cell phone in that.
I’m being very honest when I say that one look at Kesha’s hair here made me want to puke. Those bangs look like they are plastered to her forehead. Also she’s wearing a robe.
Gaga isn’t here so Xtina thought she would step up to the plate in her absence. No one should ever have block shoulders.
Heidi out here dressing like it’s the VS Fashion Show. Is she wearing the fantasy bra?!?!
This is such a Tyra outfit that I almost burst out laughing when I saw it. America’s Next Top Model Tyra showing us how to smize while also dressed like a slutty Panama Jack.
I’m sorry but I don’t get Billie Eilish. She whisper sings and stares at the camera with voodoo eyes and dresses only in baggy bad 90’s trends. I DON’T GET IT. EXPLAIN IT TO ME, YOUTHS.
KETCHUP & MUSTARD.
I will not support these sneakers.
Bad prom dress alert.
I think we all know at this point that I was just put on this earth to roast Diplo’s country western act.
Can we hook up this goober with Billie? They can wear his and hers plaid outfits and just make sounds at each other because that sums up both of their singing careers.
This was a tough call for me as I love purple AND teal but sometimes you’ve gotta be the baaaaaad guy (see, I’m cool sometimes, Billie) and tell Shawn Mendes to put his chesties away. It’s way too much. Dial it back on putting the pecs on display at a family event.
H O L Y BooBZ. Y’all know I don’t like boobage and she’s serving a whole lot of it here. Plus I feel like maybe she should’ve sat this one out.
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Shania is poppin that hourglass figure and I respect the hell out of the fact that not only did she just come back from the dead for this awards show, but she also decided to wear her hair in the classic, pile it on top of your head because you don’t want to deal with it style. Left a little tail though, just in case.
I guess I’m really into the olds tonight but sometimes when you keep it tight and rock classic black, you deserve a nod.
DAMNIT THESE TWO ARE CUTE AND COLOR COORDINATED.
The men really showed up tonight with classy and unique suits.
Pains me to do this because Nick Viall is such a fame-sucking wiener, but God I love this jacket color.
I keep going back and forth on this. On the one hand, this looks genuinely uncomfortable and like she might pierce her boobs with sharp tin with a sudden movement. On the other hand, SHINY.
Gr8 color choice for Jenna who already looks v. pregs.
This is adorbsicles and also they both look fab.
BAAAAAABE SOOOOOOODA.
Love me some purple and I love me some Carrie’s stems.
Camila going for the woodland *possibly nude* fairy look.
I ate too much bread and my brain has gone to sleep so I can’t even find something clever and catchy to say about these two. They look like smokeshows. That is all.
We’ve reached the part of the evening where I hate something so much that I come right back around again and like it ironically. This getup is giving me Lisa Frank vibez. I feel like he could have a purple dolphin on his pants and it would still fit in.
This also applies to that theory. I had a friend in college who used to rock pigtail buns and I was so jelly that they looked cute on her because when I did them I looked like a real idiot. Constance is really puling off the PB’s and lace-up dress.
I know that I once wrote a very heated takedown of People for their shitty choices in Sexiest Man Alive, based solely on the fact that they’ve never crowned Ryan Gosling but over the years, my anger has simmered because obviously this whole thing is rigged anyway. I’m ok with John Legend. I don’t feel triggered or slighted. I feel like he’s a lovable character who has talent out the wazoo and looks like someone you might want to cuddle with, so sure, let’s call him sexy. What I don’t feel GREAT about is that Chrissy Teigen’s twitter antics probably pulled more weight with this nomination than anything else. Everyone knows she likes to get fired up on twitter and come at people. She’s the hot, dirty-mouthed sassy B wife to John’s gentle and tender doe of a personality. I don’t doubt for a second that the higher up’s at People were like what will create buzz? Someone with a mouthy wife on social media that everyone thinks is hilarious. And boy did she have us all eating out of the palm of her hand. Poppin offfff on Twitter. And for that, I’m like eh I might be out. It’s overplayed. We get it. You’re unfiltered. So am I. People don’t think I’m that funny either. And I recognize that. (See #5 where I show you that people on Twitter like very unfunny things.)
Tay has assembled a Swift army. LITERALLY. Like how baller do you have to be to just write a note on social media that gears thousands of fans up for combat for your music from a bunch of mean ole music industry bullies. If you haven’t kept abreast of the music drama, Tay left her record label, the head then partnered with Scooter Braun and told her that they owned everything she wrote while signed with that record label. Which was like her entire career leading up to this album. She called them out, Justin Bieber made fun of her then she announced she’d be re-recording all her old songs so that they’re hers again. We all forgot this happened. Cut to last night when she releases this manifesto and suddenly THEY’RE NOT LETTING HER PERFORM ANY OF HER MATERIAL?! UH, UH HONAY. I worship at the ground of awards shows and if she’s not allowed to perform the hits, I will RIOT. Apparently, so will everyone else. Here’s all her buds stepping up on social media for her.
Scott and Scooter, you know what the right thing to do is 🙏🙏 Taylor and her fans deserve to celebrate the music!!
Naturally, Big Machine released a statement that if I may paraphrase here, said: Nah, she’s lyin. And like honestly after what happened with Kim/Kanye and Taylor before, do you THINK SHE’S GONNA CALL SOMEONE OUT LIKE THIS IF SHE DOESN’T HAVE PROOF?! So I’m waiting with baited breath for her to pull out those receipts y’all.
2b. Collaborashawn.
Taylor’s having a real big week. She deserved a two-parter here. Technically 3 if we want to recognize her new song for Cats as well, which we do not. That movie looks creepy as hell. Out of everything on Lover, the title track seems to be the most TAY and most unique. She wrote the whole thing by herself and it’s ooooooooooobviously about her plain bagel of a boyfriend. So when she dropped this remix this week I was real perplexed. Seems like the last one she would want someone to re-write and collab on but hey, it’s her world, we’re all just living in it. Although it doesn’t hold a candle to the original, I’m a fan of Shawn’s smooth vocals and I think it’s nice enough to give a cool gurl head nod. To say his portion of the song is a love letter to Camila is a little TOO much. Let’s pump the brakes, they’ve been dating like 5 minutes. I don’t think he’d really wanna go down with the Titanic for her. Leo tried that one time and it really backfired for him.
Always a Demi stan, I’ve been rooting for her to keep it together ever since her overdose a little over a year ago now. I worry about her and like to see that she’s doing well–you know–by what she chooses to show me on social media because unfortunately she doesn’t text me on the reg like JLo does. There were some rumors that she was getting after a Bachelorette contestant, but those are squashed now that she’s made this public coupling with this cotton candy colored hair jabroni. Apparently he’s a model. He also posted a pic on his account so YOU KNOW IT’S REAL. And if you can’t already tell from my tone, I do not approve. Girl’s got too much going on to focus on a relashe right now. And that’s my completely unsolicited and unwelcome relationship advice for this week.
I lied. I got more unwelcome bits for these two ladies. I saw this article on People earlier this week shouting out Selena and her BFF Julia Michaels. Apparently they’re on a real hot streak lately of Bff’in. They performed together, Selena just attended Julia’s 90’s themed birthday bash and now they’ve gotten matching tats of arrows that point to each other when they hold hands. And People is like aren’t they just the cutest besties you’ve ever seen? No. No they are not. Name one pair of friends who kiss on the lips and get hand holding matching tattoos. NAME ONE. I got very passionate about this super casj article considering we are HOT OFF THE HEELS of Miley and Katelyn. Those two are smooching all over the joint and they’re having a lez fling, these two are basically doing the same thing and they’re just BFF goals. WHERE IS THE LINE, HOLLYWOOD?! I really really don’t understand it. Someone explain it to me because I have never once, nor will I ever smooch a friend on the lips. Am I doing friendships wrong? Pls advise.
5. Twitter is Garbage.
I watched the CMA’s on Wednesday (blogged the red carpet) and got a Halsey boner, so I sent out a very PG, unfunny tweet into the twittersphere, giving props to the performance, which I encourage you to watch below:
My tweet went viral–well viral for someone who gets maximum 6 likes on a tweet. In fact, I’m still gaining new followers and getting action on this tweet and it’s more than 24 hours later. Here is my stupid ass tweet.
I didn’t know I needed a Halsey / Lady Antebellum medley and now I don’t know how I’ve lived this long without it. #CMAawards
I’d just like to let all of my new “fans” and followers know, that I think I’m hilarious. And I spend a significant amount of time crafting the perfect tweets as if I’m writing a punchline for my own well-attended Netflix stand up special. AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU MF’ERS RECOGNIZE?! FOR REAL? I used to live-tweet every awards show like I was being paid to do it and NOTHIN. Never recognized for my obvious talent. Now all the sudden I say I ❤ Halsey and everyone’s coming out of the woodwork. I guess that’s the power of Halsey. Now I know what the Chainsmokers feel like. Outshined by a gal from Jersey. So if you’ve stumbled upon my rarely-viewed blog because I tweeted about Halsey, WELCOME. I am here to entertain and make you laugh and if you don’t think I’m funny then get the hell out of here because I only like to interact with people who pump my tires like my co-workers who all told me I kill it on Twitter. Shout out to them for perpetrating the biggest Twitter head I’ve ever had. Also today’s my half birthday and my Venmo is open for monetary gifts to celebrate the occasion of being 6 months closer to the impending doom of thirty. That may seem abrupt and unrelated, but if you peep my tweet about it from last year below: you’ll see that I brought it full circle by pointing out yet another funny tweet that has one measly like. And also, I still genuinely don’t know how old I am. PLUS I’m trying to capitalize on my new following. So I’m not THAT dumb.
I announced to my office that it was my half birthday and then told them the wrong age fully believing I was still 26 until I did the math in my head and re learned I’m actually 27. Glad I don’t even know my own age. #imreallypretty
Honestly forgot the CMA Awards were last night because I’m poor as dirt and had to cancel my cable subscription, but happy to report I stole someone else’s so that I could still tune in to get in touch with my country roots and hear Reba perform Fancy for the 6 millionth time because that song came out BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN. Way to stay current, CMA’s. FTR, they also trucked Dolly Parton (another host) out to bring Nashville to the house of the Lord and sing a bunch of songs about good ole G-O-D. I get that both Rebz and Dolly are basically country royalty but like…why. And since I came hot at Reba & Dolly (sorry, not sorry) I will also make up for it by saying that the performance of Girl Crush by up-and-coming female country stars was great. AND my favorite performance of the night was Lady Antebellum and Halsey doing a medley of What If I Never Get Over You and Graveyard. It was something I never would have expected and they crushed it. All of the claps in the world for when Halsey just busts out that kickass angel voice with no theatrics or weird dominatrix dance routines. ANYWHO. Y’all know country red carpets are the BEST to judge because some people go glam, some people go white trash and black country singers find a way to mix both and I’m really hoping they stop that soon. It’s not racist if I’m just making an observation. BLACK COUNTRY SINGERS DO NOT NEED AN ADDITIONAL REASON TO STAND OUT. LOOK TO DARIUS RUCKER AS YOUR GUIDING LIGHT. Ok. Here we go.
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Oh, Trish. Gurlfran. Leopard print–Great. Zebra print–horribly unflattering. An important lesson in animal print for us all.
Remembs 15 years ago when Gretchen Wilson came out with Redneck Woman? Guess she’s still stickin to that mantra real hard with this outfit that I can only assume a middle-aged mom from the midwest would wear to a club in NYC thinking she’s a real housewife. One swift move and we all see Gretchen’s redneck hooha.
No clue who this is, I just needed to bring this horrendous monstrosity of an outfit into the light. That’s one way to embrace the jumpsuit trend. Certainly can’t miss it!
I honestly don’t even know what garbage is sprinkled all over Nicole’s dress but it looks like a kid’s arts and crafts project. Also lolerskates to Keith’s platforms, always.
Hate to see it, but I feel like Reese just popped out of the movie poster for Sweet Home Alabama and I also feel like the trends of the early 2000’s should never be revisited.
I recently dipped my toe in the trendy hat game, and I am very sensitive and would hate it if anyone laughed out loud at my hat. That being said, I laughed out loud at Colton’s hat. And really his whole outfit in general. I feel like he googled “NBA stars trendy” and came up with this outfit. Cassie looks fine but unfortunately when you hitch your cart to a fashion overachiever for a boyfriend, you might just end up on a worst dressed list. Dem’s da breaks.
No one should ever wear head to toe white. Not even on your wedding day.
UGHHHHHHHHHH I’m so over Kacey trying to be campy western forever.
Ok, then.
I’m a Decker fan through and through but I’ve seen both of them knock it out of the park on a red carpet and this is not it. Just trying to keep it real & challenge my crushes to constantly impress me with their fashion choices. Don’t mail it in next time, GUYS.
You work out or something? BOOoOOOOOooOOOO.
I feel like Kristin is constantly dressing for Broadway and maybe sometimes she could just roll up in a simple party dress and take it doooown a notch.
I MEAN COME ON.
I get the feeling RaeLynn thinks she’s actually Marilyn Monroe. Someone keep an eye on her wellbeing.
I didn’t do my research (shocking to no one) and probably will sound ignorant but like, haven’t females in country music been busting through those glass ceilings left and right in the past few years? I feel like it’s the era of female country and thus this statement cape is ill-timed. Also Jennifer Nettles rubs me the wrong way and always has. Double also, if you’re going to go for a bold statement, actually spell out the F word and show you’re a real one.
BLECH. What is happening here. Also now that she’s preggers, what will happen to her constantly having her entire body on display at every awards show? STAY TUNED.
I lost it when I saw this poop suit and the straight SASS in which she’s posing it up. Confidence through the roof for a suede browtfit.
Had to toss in your typical country boy who shows a little glamour for shits and giggles.
How are we not seeing nipple here?
Sometimes the double leg slit just weirds me out and looks like a panel that covers your bits. I’m probably being picky as hell but the more I looked at this, the less I liked it. And that’s why I have a blog that no one reads.
This does not strike me as an awards dress and also I’m just still mad at Miranda for constantly stealing everyone’s husbands.
I guess we’re really hitting the females in country theme home this year by bringing two of them back from beyond the grave to host with Carrie. Pains me to say it but none of these looks are blowing me away. Obviously the show contains several outfit changes, most of them during Reba’s performance of Fancy, but we’re just judging red carpet here and EHHHHH.
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I can totes get down with the constellation sprinkle on Jake’s jacket and his lady love looks like a real babe too.
I’m loving the color coordination here and apparently I have a thing for stars this week because I’m all in on Mrs. Dierks whole dark magic vibez.
Another couple that I hold to high standards because they always bring it for awards shows and I’ve definitely seen Lauren in better dresses but I’m not completely coldhearted and I’m not about to toss an entire family on the worst dressed. So basically their cute ass kids saved them here. I DO love Thomas’s polka dot look and really wish he performed Up instead of his song about how everyone gets old and dies. But whatevs.
HEART EYES EMOJI. Mah gurl is 2 for 2 in recent red carpets lookin like the dime piece I know she is. I love classy Halsey and I need more of her in my life. Fingers crossed she keeps it up for the AMA’s.
What a classic look for a real country hottie who does the opposite of Thomas Rhett and sings that grandpas never die. Real hot take. Also this is the part where I shamelessly bring it back to myself because I met him and I got to watch someone sneak into his meet & greet and give him a hat with Albany, NY on it that she specifically bought for him and it was v. cringeworthy. Plus I belong on a red carpet for my sassy pony (may it rest in peace ever since my tragic visit to Supercuts 2 weeks ago.)
Bros lookin sharp.
Sheryl Crow can be tossed into the pool of never-aging Hollywood greats.
Again, I feel real uncomfy with shitting on kids fashion so shoutout to Pink & Carey and their minis really embracing the country theme. If we’re being real honest, I think I like both kids attires more than Pink’s burnt orange look.
Daaaayummmmmn.
This outfit & pose slayed me. From top to bottom: the protective goggle sunglasses, the HARD finger gunz, a Burberry-esque trench, the leather messenger bag like he’s going to class in 1998 and the “hiking” boots that American Eagle for SURE sold when I was in high school. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING AT ONCE. And props to Blanco for committing to the bit and pulling the winner’s name out of his messenger bag later in the night.
YAAASSS LEOPARD KWEENS!!!! Cough cough, this is how you safari, Trisha, COUGH.
It appears as though Hil is wearing a waist trainer and probably ceased to breathe all evening, but she looks GR8.
Sara Evans is approaching 50 and LOOK AT THOSE DAMN LEGS.
I ain’t even mad that she mixed all of the animal prints because it nicely breaks up the zoot suit riot that is the rest of her group.
I was actually so ready to shit all over this wet blanket (for those of you who didn’t see her run on the Bachelor, the nickname fits) but we all know I have a real weak spot for yellow.
I love that this is not revealing at all and yet the rainbow makes it fun and fresh.
Walker’s loafers look a little geeky but I’m diggin’ wifey’s dress.
I’m pretty sure this is the only red of the evening and gurl is werking it.
I know it’s not fair to give my favorite look of the night honor to someone who doesn’t even belong at an awards show but holy shit this is my favorite look of the night. Own those fifteen minutes and appear wherever they ask you to if they keep dressing you up like this, honey.
What a cutie this fella is! Looking dapper with a dash of mountainman beard.
Honestly I’ve seen like 4 people in Hollywood rock this silk PJ’s look now and I really just want a pair of these pants REAL bad. They look comfy AF.
Ending on another high note of me shoving a picture of myself with someone famous enough to walk a red carpet right in your grillpiece. Tenille is adorable, makes polka dots look good and is also super nice and complimented my leopard pants. Because as you know, complimenting me will get you everywhere. Those are the rules. I didn’t write them. (JK, I totes did.)
If you feel like you’ve been hearing about JLo a lot lately it’s because she’s killin tha game. She’s 50, went on a world tour to celebrate herself turning 50, threw herself a star-studded birthday bash that I slobbered all over HERE, maintains the body of a 25 year old, got engaged to her “macho” ARod, starred in Hustlers, walked the Versace runway in her iconic boobalicious dress–this time with her legs fully on display and now she’s gonna do the damn Super Bowl Halftime show. I mean seriously. It’s not like she ever really stopped being a Bo$$ bitch, but this has definitely been a big year for Jenny formerly from tha block. And if you can’t already tell, I’m living for it. I mean I literally entered a contest a few weeks ago to win a trip to Montreal to be her date for the Hustlers premiere. It was basically just a marketing ploy to be added into the newest form of spam emails–in text form. But at the same time now when my phone buzzes and it says Jennifer Lopez, I look cool as hell.
Also I kid you not, as I was typing this I got a text from Jen telling me to hit up her new perfume pop up in NYC. Like chill gurl, I already have plans for tonight. (This is what rock bottom looks like if anyone’s wondering.) In continuing my JLo biggest fan parade, I saw Hustlers the other night and after her intro strip scene I literally had to mop up the drool that had collected on the movie theater floor. I understood immediately why there was a gentleman behind me who was there by himself. I also wished I wasn’t sitting so close to him. ANYWAY, back to the Super bowl, which I’m so jazzed about. It’ll feature Shakira as well and my friend Kat and I were just wondering what had happened to Shakira and Enrique Iglesias when I was telling her those were my two favorite CD’s in rotation growing up (I’ve always had hispanic flair, apparently.) So basically by Kat and I talking about Shakira (shout out Laundry Service), we brought her career back. Since it’s a Miami event, unfortunately it’s pretty much guaranteed that they’ll drag out ole Mr. Miami himself so he can shout dalé and MISTA WORLDWIDE a bunch of times. Ugh. Hopefully the gals will do a lot of booty shakin during baldie’s cameo to make up for it. Either way I’ll be cheering my homegirl on from the couch in my finest (faux) fur.
2. Stars Are Just Like Us.
Resident Hollywood Kewl Grl Jennifer Lawrence is getting married and has decided to partner with Amazon to help inspire future brides with a registry. At first I thought she released her actual wedding registry and was looking for these things and the public could just send her wedding gifts. That got me all sorts of triggered because if you’ll see below at some options, you’ll understand why I wondered WHY THE F AN A-LIST CELEBRITY IS ASKING FOR WINE GLASSES AND AN ADAPTER.
Once I calmed down, I realized she’s being PAID BY AMAZON TO SUGGEST COMMONER THINGS FOR A WEDDING REGISTRY. She’s monetizing being a bride. Oh reeeeealllyyyy, Jennifer, you travel a lot for work and recommend this CASHMERE TRAVEL SET? GTFO of my face with that. Do us all a favor and copy your BFF Amy Schumer and do a surprise wedding with your closest friends like only celebrities can do. I BETTER NOT SEE YOU WITH A PEOPLE COVER STORY TELLING US WHAT DJ YOU RECOMMEND FOR YOUR NUPTIALS. click here for her full stupid ass registry.
3. Sit Down, Demi.
I guess I’m all sorts of fired up this week because this also made me mad online. Demi has written a memoir and is now on a press tour promoting it. Normal Hollywood stuff except that she’s been out of the Hollywood limelight for a very significant amount of time and now she wants to stomp on back through and shit all over Ashton Kutcher. NOT ON MY WATCH, DEMI. Some of her more click-bait headlines from the book include having a miscarriage while dating Ashton for only a few months, having a threesome because Ashton wanted to, and Ashton cheating on her and using the threesome as an excuse for cheating. Obviously, the way that Hollywood works, Ashton would’ve had a head’s up about all of this coming out so he’s prepared to deal with it. What REALLY fired me up though was when Demi went on Ellen and was basically blaming Ashton for her alcoholism. She also had the balls to be like I’m not attacking anyone, I’m just telling my story. Oh. Ok, Demi. So you’re going to say you started drinking because you thought Ashton wanted a cool girlfriend who could drink–when you were already 10+ years sober and rather than being like actually I can’t drink because I’m an alcoholic, you decided to throw that all away to be what you thought he wanted? AND THEN SAY IT WAS HIS FAULT?! COME OnnnnnnNNNNNNnnnnNNNNNN. She told a story of him posting a picture of her passed out on the toilet and called it shaming. In the words of my sister, “LIKE MAYBE DON’T GET SO DRUNK AND PUKE IN A TOILET IF YOU DON’T WANT IT PHOTOGRAPHED.” She also added that her husband has taken many drunk and embarrassing photos of her and she’s not gonna cry and write a book about it. I can vouch for this because one time Nikki and I went to Dollar Thursday Night at the Syracuse Sky Chiefs game–a phenomenal summer staple (now ruined…probably because of us) where all beers and hot dogs were $1. We got trashed then came home and reheated Olive Garden breadsticks and ate them on her kitchen floor. I took a photoshoot of her posing on her floor with the foil breadsticks bag in her mouth like the calendar girl that she is and uploaded that shit RIGHT to Facebook. So honestly Demi, a pic of you passed out is NOTHIN. Cut the shit. #TeamAshton. Also, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Mila didn’t die her hair because of Demi’s tell all. So let’s relax with that.
I was about to push the button on a really snarky tweet. Then I saw my son, daughter, and wife and I deleted it. ❤️
Remembs when Sophie and Joe got married after the BBMA’s and Diplo live streamed it and I was jelly because I’ve always wanted to be casually a part of celebrity stuff like that? Well apparently they didn’t want him to do that and now it’s turned into a giant joke kind of like Diplo’s fashion sense. Here’s a new collab between the two that doesn’t stink. Plus it shows that the Jonas Brothers actually have a bunch of personalities, which I would not have guessed from seeing them in concert. What is hilarious, is that Diplo is trying his hand at “country” by using his real name. This is apparently one of his country songs. Someone get back to me on which part of this song is country music.
5. Hot Girl Fall.
Since I introduced y’all to Hot Girl Summer–the anthem that allows girls to hoe out and attribute it to a season, I felt that it was important to also share Hot Girl Fall. Cause bitches love fall, and I love that Megan Thee Stallion is playing right into basic betches everywhere. Get it, girl. Although I won’t be celebrating fall just yet because beach season lives on until the first snowfall in my mind, maybe I’ll mix in a pumpkin ass beer this weekend in honor of theeeee stallion.
Since I cut cable out of my life in the middle of summer when none of my shows were on and it wasn’t awards season yet, obviously last night was a real wake up call. I had to work the hardest to steal cable from my wealthier family members and then the app closed out during every commercial break so basically what I’m trying to say is appreciate this awards season content extra from my poor ass cause the struggle is R E A L.
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I mean, without fail, every time, we get a salsa dancer emoji on the red carpet. Props to this gal for being it.
This is a glittery garbage bag.
I’m so perplexed by this. Was the top an accident? Did they take the hem off of the bottom and then just bunch it up and toss it over her head like a bib?
I wanted to be on board with this but it’s just too many things at once. Erect Ciny Lou-Who hair, ruffled top, wide belt/tuxedo jacket waist, cape, hard flares….WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. Pick one of these things. ONE.
Ugh this is SUCH a Dawson Leery tryhard outfit. Barf all over me.
The Emmys isn’t really the time to try punk rocker chic, plz see yourself to an Avril Lavigne concert, Jenny.
I’m sorry. I can’t get on board with brown anything. This is a poop suit.
This chick came about 2 years late to the Met Gala “Catholicism” theme.
Holy boobs.
Ah, a classic outfit for when the seasons are changing. Cold shoulder for a little sun on the left, long sleeve on the right because it’s chilly in the mornings. Oh and why not just slap a pair of pants on underneath? Convenient.
80’s prom dress, clap, clap, clapclapclap.
I don’t need to see clear from your chin to your panty line or lack thereof.
I can get down with a good jumpsuit but I’ve already expressed my disdain with the gaucho style pant leg coming back and if I CAN’T FIND YOUR FEET, YOUR PANTS ARE DOING TOO MUCH.
The good news is we’re not staring directly at Alex’s erect nipples in a silk dress this year. The bad news is she still doesn’t look great.
Meh. After making Four Weddings and a Funeral appointment TV every Wednesday night, I wanted more from our gurl Maya. This also feels like a prom look.
Fine dress to wear to a backyard wedding, not an awards show.
Also feel let down by the new J.Law cool girl, Sophie. This dress is essentially the same color as her skin and it’s really not doing anything for me.
Wooooooof this bright purple does not go well with her transparent skin color.
Only these two a-holes would OVERDRESS for an awards show that they have no business being at. Also quick shout out to them presenting the best reality TV Emmy and having the crowd BURST out laughing at “our family knows how to make good TV just by being ourselves.” And these sweet, sweet idiots were confused when everyone started laughing. CUT TO THE NOMINEES, QUICK.
Again with the odd shapes just tossed on top. Is that a cape as a top? How does it stay up?!
I love this color and her hair and pink lip but does the top piece not look like a saggy bikini top? It’s like Christina Long Boobs Applegate up in HERE.
BEST
I was all set to make a Free Willy joke at first glance on this outfit but honestly she’s pulling killer whale chic OFF. And Eugene looks sharp as well.
WHAT A PASTEL DREAM. I die for this color.
I like both of these colors together. God, I sound like Taylor Swift now with Synesthesia but for realz I dig. Plus a jazzy plaid done right.
B2B Pretty Princess ‘fits
Oh Shit, Ray-J.
Classic
Don’t really understand how she manages to appear at every red carpet ever but we all know how I feel about yellow this year as evident by my Gold Old Navy heels that I bought on clearance in July and have worn literally every single day since. Fun fact: yellow goes with everything. Says me.
Sterling perpetually looks fresh to death.
Everyone’s slobbering all over this actress because everyone’s slobbering over Fleabag. I haven’t seen it but she’s crushing in this woodland fairy angel dress.
Token blue suit that I drool over.
Normally I would dump all over this outfit because I don’t support ladies who attend a classy event with their areolas one deep breath away from busting free, but this is Mandy Moore we’re talking about here and she’s basically an American treasure. She’s got some sassy curls and she’s giving us good leg and for that I’m willing to overlook the near nip slip.
Suspenders thing is kinda wierd but this cooooooolooooooorrrr
I would give my left tit for perfect ombre’d mermaid waves like these.
Can’t go wrong with a basic black gown.
JLD is such a babe soda.
Great color and style for Sandra.
One of many pink/red combo deals and I liked them all. Yes they’re all essentially the same exact dress accentuating different body parts but I’m here for it.
I WANT THESE SPARKLE PANTS.
There was obviously a two-for-one special on this fabric. I wonder if stylists get fired when they pull this move and put several A-listers in essentially the same dress. Someone let me know. I live for the drama.
YaAaAaaAsssSssss Kweeeeeen. (it’s past my bedtime so now I’m just reverting to basic bitch cliche phrases but honestly this really sums up how I feel about this outfit anyway.)
He’s still a creepster but at least he dresses ON POINT.
Another nod to the fashionable gents representin’
YELLOW. And this style is supes flattering on Busy & helps to distract from her cotton candy hurrr.
This is kind of a risky look for Michelle Williams who usually wears solid color classic cut gowns. She looks beautiful as always.
HOT PINK GET IT GURL.
My sister texted me yesterday and said she made about 12 leopard print purchases in TJ Maxx and wore one of them around the store while she was shopping. And I replied that if my entire wardrobe could consist of leopard and camo print, I could die happy. Something tells me Bonnie gets us.
Zendaya gets the two syllable dAYYY-UmmNNN of the evening. I mean how could she not?
What a disco ball!
YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!! THE ONLY REASON HALSEY ISN’T MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT IS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I SHOULD GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY IS A TV STAR, BUUUUUT, CAN I JUST SAY SHE MUST BE READING MY BLOG? I HAVE HARPED ON HALSEY FOOOOORRRREEEVVERRRR ABOUT HOW PRETTY SHE IS AND SHE DRESSES LIKE A HOEBOT AND SHE DELIIIIIIIIVERED FOR THE EMMYS. (ALSO SANG A PHENOM COVER OF TIME AFTER TIME) ANYWAY BACK TO THIS CLASSY AND BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND IT’S MY FAVORITE COLOR AND HER HAIR IS NATURAL AND PRETTY AND HER MAKEUP IS MINIMAL BECAUSE SHE DON’T NEED NO MAKEUP AND OK I’LL STOP SHOUTING. IT’S LIKE I JUST WANT TO SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT HALSEY IS A BEAUT AND I LOVE HER. THE END.
FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:
At first I just thought this was unique and cool, a shiny striped dress. Then I saw her take the stage and it’s all intricate beading. Making it 100x cooler. A lot of great looks tonight but this was by far my favorite.
Remember when I pointed and laughed at Shawn Mendes’ butterfly tat and told him to get his shit together? This is not what I meant. In the tween world (and adults who still act like tweens cough cough me) Shawn and Camila dating is the talk of the town. They’re both hot and young and their song Seniorita is steamy as hell. They performed it at the VMA’s and teased a kiss but did NOT deliver and after an entire song with Camila grinding all over Shawn and getting close to his face just to pull away, do we think he had to do a waistband tuck? 100% yes. Well I have to do the opposite of a waistband tuck after this video. They’re trying to be funny and cute. I get it. But rip my eyeballs out because this is neither funny nor cute, it’s just watching two celebs slobber all over each other in HD. Want to see what it looks like to see a girl probe her tongue directly up her boyfriend’s nose? LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THIS CLIP. If you’re into that sort of thing. Guess Shawn doesn’t need a tissue when he has his girl to clean up all the boogers with one swift tongue punch. HEY IF I HAD TO SEE IT, YOU ALL HAVE TO SEE IT AND THEN READ MY DISGUSTING WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT. HAPPY WEEKEND!
I did that thing where I caught wind of a story and spent an entire day in a rabbit hole immersing myself within it like an investigative reporter–or someone who does nothing at her job all day–and I’m here to give you the Salty Ju version so you don’t have to read as much as I did. Caroline Calloway is an influencer–you know–those made up jobs that Fyre Festival made famous. Where basic betches make thousands and thousands of dollars to post shit on their Instagram to their culty followers and thus the world is handed to them. Well anyway, this chick Caroline is one of those. She became originally “insta-famous” by posting a picture of rainbow color macarons that ended up on the discover page and therefore she gained like 50,000 followers because girls love a good visually pleasing macaron situation. Fast forward to now, her former best friend who was by her side helping her “write” on her road to “fame” has written a ROUGH hit piece on her, exposing Caroline for everything she is and she sounds like a real entitled turd who loves adderall a lot. Shocking? No. Interesting? YES. I ate this shit right up. If you like to read about draaaamaaaa (said in Derek from Happy Endings voice), the article is very well-written and you can find it HERE , otherwise I’ll break it down for you. Caroline got insta-famous, made Instagram “storytelling” her life and traveled the world on her parents’ dime to take pics in front of things and talk about how traveling is cool and adventures are fun. Her BFF at the time, Natalie, was always there taking her pics and helping her write her captions, living in her shadow. Caroline then got a book deal for like $300,000 or something and enlisted Natalie to help her write it because she couldn’t focus on anything other than doing drugs. They co-wrote it, then Caroline straight peaced out on it and decided it was too hard to finish. (The book was just a compilation of her Instagram stories basically.) Caroline and Natalie lost touch because Natalie realized she hated her stinkin guts and couldn’t hang out with someone so self-obsessed and rich and into drugs anymore. Caroline recently went on “tour” but was selling tickets before booking venues, promising a bunch of shit she didn’t deliver on and everyone was mad online about it. So she then tried to get ahead of the h8ers and call her shitty tour Fyre Fest and wear a shirt that says “Scammer”. CAROLINE, QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD. Well, she didn’t. She got a tip that Natalie was going to publish this tell-all and for the week leading up blabbed on Instagram about how much she loved Natalie and wants everyone to read this article and blames her adderall addiction for being a bad person. Then when she read the article….took a bunch of pictures of herself crying from it after therapy…she decided to set the story straight. By screenshotting every Instagram pictures she’s ever posted and clarifying if she wrote the caption or if Natalie did. I think that’s what the Jersey Shore cast likes to call SPIRALING. THIS IS REAL LIFE, FOLKS. I DID NOT MAKE ANY OF THIS UP. THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD. Feel free to dive into a deep, dark hole on Caroline’s instagram HERE. Or just pretend we never talked about this and carry on with your lives. This is why I blog. To report the hard-hitting news about someone who makes MILLIONS more than me FOR POSTING HER FEELZ ON INSTAGRAM WITH SELFIES. I’m not bitter. You’re bitter.
3. Office Ladies.
Jenna Fischer (Pam) and Angela Kinsey (Angela) of The Office have announced a new podcast where they will watch old episodes and talk about behind the scenes stories, have commentary on the episode and probably talk about their lives now. Obviously there’s never any shortage in need/want for The Office content as it’s like the most binged TV show in this world, but let’s get this out of the way REAL quick–Pam SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED. Like by far the worst character in that show and it ain’t even a competition. She wasn’t funny, she wasn’t cool, and the reason everyone tolerates her at all is because of Jim and their adorable love story that he had everything to do with and she had nothing to do with. Go back to Roy, Pam, you stink. Ok now that we’ve gotten that out of our system, I can only hope that Jenna is cool enough to admit how much Pam blows and then I’ll give it a listen. Fingers crossed.
The world can go back to normal now. The Situation is free from jail. Boy have we missed him. I wonder if him and his boy Billy McFarland brainstormed up some new event hijinks to execute. Sitch will have to execute as I assume Billy is still on the inside. One can only hope we have another Fyre Festival brewing, other than Caroline Calloway’s shitty flower crown making tour. And that’s what we refer to as a callback, here in the blogging biz. But seriously, glad Sitch is back, maybe he can talk some sense into his boy Ronnie who has broken up with his abusive girlfriend and gotten back together with her 8 times since he was locked up. T’s and P’s.
5. Grl Power or Something.
I pretty much got nothin for this last headline so I’ll just force you to watch this because I had to watch it. Kinda the common theme this week I guess so it’s fitting. For the new Charlie’s Angels, they dragged these three oddballs together for a song. Ariana does what she always does, wears a high pony and a Halloween costume straight out of Mean Girls. Miley is doing this thing now where she always looks soaking wet and it’s weird and gross. She also licks each of them because now that Miley is single again, her tongue is V. active. And Lana just laid on a bench and writhed around singing in a COMPLETELY different style as the rest of the song. Good work, galz.
For the first time since 2016, I felt like I was familiar with enough singers & performances to endure the MTV VMA’s. And although they tried to dub themselves music’s biggest night, I wasn’t terribly disappointed! Am I getting cooler or is MTV just catering to my age demographic now? It’s the latter, obviously. There was a BO$$ performance from Missy Misdemeanor Elliott with a cameo from Alyson Stoner (her OG dancer) that brought the house down. Also featured: Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello NOT kissing but definitely creating some boner jams, Miley Cyrus and my queen Lizzo serving up some real talk. So, yes, this was an awards show for those above 25 and I accept. Here’s my breakdown of how everyone looked.
WORST
I get that her hit song is sweet but a psycho but like do we really need to dress like it’s a comic con event to hammer it home?
I DON’T UNDERSTAND TRENDS. THIS IS A WOMEN’S SUIT STRAIGHT FROM 1982. HE WON A FASHION AWARD LAST NIGHT. HOW.
I’ve been dabbling in Snooki’s insta lately and even (gasp) browsed her online store and tbh I expected her to look a lot cuter. This weird rain coat with wedges combo didn’t hit for me.
DJ Khaled’s style is dad at Señor Frogs and it makes me laugh out loud because WHAT A NERD.
I’m having a real difficult time getting on board with gauchos again. They were in circa 2005, I bought 5 identical pairs of them including a sweatpants pair from AE (versatile) and now I look back at those pictures and scream laugh at how stupid they are. Please don’t bring them back. Put them away again. You should never have to question where someone’s legs/feet are.
What fresh hell are these shoes that look like they have teeth on them?
LOOFAH.
Sorry Bella but this is weird as hell. What happens if you pull the straps on the bottom? Does her whole outfit scrunch together like the living room shade that it most definitely is? God I need to know.
HALSEY. Cuuuuuutttt the shittttt. I’m so sick of seeing you in a dominatrix outfit every time you walk a carpet. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS BEAUTIFUL. STOP DRESSING LIKE A TRASHWAGON.
These are drapes.
Holy SHIT Allison. What’s the point in even wearing the dress?
Taaaaacky.
Just Diplo bein himself, forever on my worst dressed list.
Great bod but ya’ll know how I feel about nearly nudes on the red carpet.
I get that we had a little throwback to the 2000’s night what with the Missy Elliott medley but by no means does that require a B. Spears snake copycat on the red carpet, LET ALONE TWO.
BEST
FLOWER.PANTS.
I’m loving Queen Latifah in orange. I’m loving her Asian tourist dubz peace sign EVEN MORE.
I recently saw Bebe Rexha live and she turned me into a fan just by wearing leggings and shaking her ass an IMPRESSIVE amount all over the stage. Girl gives good thigh and I’m here for it.
Best way to win a moonman? Dress like one. Respect.
Covered up that butterfly tattoo with a nice teal suit.
Never would’ve guessed J.Woww would be the classiest of the crew but she looks great. Living her best life without Roger.
B2B yellow lewwwwkz. My favorite color of the moment.
If you hate Lizzo and her cocky as shit persona then you have a big dump in your pants.
COLORS. BLAZER WITH NO PANTS. OVER THE KNEE BOOTS. REVERSE SWEETHEART NECKLINE. WHIMSY. Her performance outfit was better, tbh but this works too.
Pink suit really complements his blue hurrrr.
I can’t shout out Tay’s blazer/over the knee boot combo deal without also shouting out Megan’s! #hotgirlsummer
Billy Ray’s still got itttttttt
Outfit looks great, I’m really concerned about the fact that Gigi is a model and her go-to red carpet move is a gaping mouth. Is that what models do now? Should I start opening my mouth for pics? Trick question I already do.
Curveball–Lenny’s pulling OFF the Canadian tuxedo.
Always love a subtle leopard.
Gotta give all the props considering these three goobers wore emerald green, royal blue, and orange suits (respectively) on their stop in Albany last week and it looked like we were accidentally at a Wiggles concert. Keep it simple with greys and blacks, boys.
DAAAYummnnNnn Whit looks like a babe soda!
Love this move by Lil Nas X. Especially because he didn’t top it with a bejeweled cowboy hat.
TWINZZZZZZZIES. Literally. They’re wearing the exact same suit, one was the host of the show, one hosted the red carpet. Would be suuupes embarrassing if I didn’t LOVE a summer aqua. T wore it better. White sneaks awl day.
BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:
I don’t have words. Everything about this outfit is perfect.
The album dropped Friday and now that I’ve had time to listen to it several times, buy the deluxe edition, read Taylor’s diary (scary similar to my own circa 6th grade, much less similar when she was at the Met Gala at 18) and tape the Deluxe Version 1 poster up to my front door, I’m fully ready to give you all of my opinions on each song and relate all of the lyrics back to my own life. Also I might add that I’m writing this track by track review v. hungover so basically I’m battling the queasies just to deliver content for your Monday morning at work. I’m the Taylor Swift fan that you all deserve.
1. I Forgot That You Existed. I love the move to start an album with a bop especially because it’s Petty Mayonnaise Taylor and she’s right out of the gate being shady as hell toward Calvin Harris. HOWEVER I also hate talking Taylor and her speaking the word indifference (and adding a giggle in) makes me want to blow my brains out. I get she’s trying to be funny and sassy and all but I could do without the talkies, always.
Best Lyric: In my feelings more than Drake, so yeah/Your name on my lips, tongue-tied/Free rent, living in my mind
2. Cruel Summer. At first listen I hated this song but then second time around and every time since it’s rapidly grown on me and now it’s easily one of my favorites. What sold me, you ask? When she basically starts screaming in the bridge. I’m like oh ok, cruel summer whatever, lots of ooh’s and colors but then when she’s drunk and shouty and goes HE LOOKS UP GRINNING LIKE THE DEVIL, it’s game on. First of all, there’s a reason Drunk Taylor was trending on twitter a couple of weeks ago to her clearly smashed singing her own song. It’s a rare occurrence we get to see a tipsy Tay so we have to relish it when we can and I literally pictured a drunk Taylor screaming up to some guy’s window I DON’T WANT TO KEEP SECRETS JUST TO KEEP YOU and it makes me laugh out loud and also want to shout everything.
Best Lyric: I’m always waiting for you to be waiting below/Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes/What doesn’t kill me makes me want you more. Honestly who is this devil man she keeps referring to? What an aggressive comparison to be making. Did Tay try casual sex?
3. Lover. (My initial reaction: Typical Tay, dropping 15 singles off of her album before the album officially comes out and then there’s like one song we haven’t heard yet from it. Coming off of a moody “The Archer”, this is a bold move to release another deep, slow tune. And let’s not pussyfoot around this, it’s basically her proposing through a song. So obviously, the bitter love-hating bitch that I am, I immediately wanted to be like nope, not for me. But then she warmed my cold dead heart, as only mah gurl T can do, and I was a puddle by the end of it. Obviously the best lyrics are “my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue, all’s well that ends well to end up with you.” It ain’t even a competition. What a wordsmith she is. And I’ll save you the quick google search because all I did was look up the lyrics and I saw 9898239802 articles titled “All of the references to Joe Alwyn in Taylor Swift’s new song.” OH YOU DON’T SAY?! The song she wrote about loving someone forever is about the guy she’s been dating for 3 years?! GET OUT OF TOWN. Also if you really wanna go down a rabbit hole (which I always do), look up the lyrics on Lyrics Genius and see that Taylor is such a boss that pretty much every song she writes is tied in some way to another song she’s written. HOW DOES HER BRAIN WORK?! Anyway, enjoy loving love with this new song and cue the countdown to her and Joe’s engagement.)
My current reaction: Every single time I hear this song I love it more and more and it’s my favorite song, might even be vying for a second place pick for overall favorite Taylor Swift song. All Too Well is a very clear and obvious numero uno. Even the video was beautiful and mesmerizing. God, Tay turning me into such a sap.
4. The Man. Hey guys, it’s the era of #MeToo and #GirlBoss and #Feminism and that’s basically what this song is here for. It’s a Who Run the World but jabbier. I mean she goes after Leo and that’s PREEETTTTYYYY bold. No one goes after Leo. He made saying “boo boo” cool again, but he’s a man SO HE SUCKS. But seriously, guys, stop calling Taylor a serial dater just because she has a vag. Cut the shit.
Best Lyric: If I was out flashing my dollars/ I’d be a bitch, not a baller. Taylor swears now.
5. The Archer. (My Initial Reaction: here we are at The Archer and it’s moody and dramats with deep lyrics and I’m all about it. Tay has a knack for releasing songs that speak to a certain part of my life, like when 22 came out the year that I turned 22 (yeah that’s right all you young hoez who post “feelin 22” right now. The song was basically written for me and not about today’s youths, who have essentially no problems and feel the need to wear crop tops with no bras every time they leave their home.) So obviously Tay knows that my love life is a shit storm right now and drops this juicy dramatic song. “Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?” I MEAN COME ON. If I had a diary right now, it would probably say exactly that. Good thing I don’t keep diaries anymore because every time I read my middle school one and see “Seventh grade is the year of dating. I want a boyfriend, but not so bad that I’m desperate, and I’ll take anyone.” I want to kms. So I’ll just leave it to Taylor to write all the embarrassing things that I relate to in that moment and look back on in five years and laugh at. Thanks, boo.) My current reaction: now that I’ve heard the whole album it doesn’t stand out as much for me but I still don’t hate the moody feels to it either. Also since we were talkin’ diaries, Taylor had an entry from like 8th grade about how she forgot it was valentine’s day because she doesn’t have a boyfriend OR a crush and there’s no point in even acknowledging v day if you don’t have “those key elements” and if that’s not literally a page ripped from my dramatic pre-teen life then I don’t know what is. So thanks for sharing your embarrassing and overdramatic words so that I can identify that I wasn’t the only loser writing in a diary about being single at 14.
Best Lyric: And I cut off my nose just to spite my face/Then I hate my reflection for years and years. Honestly it was very difficult for me to pick just one lyric because they’re all dramatic as hell and I identify with each one at this point in my life.
6. I Think He Knows. Lots of punchy elements on this one. We’ve got the high background singer voices that could get real annoying, real quick. But then when the beat picks up and she scream sings HEARTBEAT, I just can’t stop myself from grooving. In case you haven’t already come to this conclusion, I love a good scream sing. Not only is this a fun dance number, but Taylor is REAL high on herself basically saying that Joe knows how great she is and couldn’t fathom letting her go. He just HAD to lock her down. Lotta cocky confidence there, which I respect. Also she wants to know that body like it’s hers. Sex stuff. Taylor’s just so grown up now.
Best Lyric: He’s so obsessed with me and, boy, I understand/Boy, I understand. Get it gurl.
7. Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince. Here’s when I started to realize we are miles and miles away from Reputation. Bad Girl Tay was in full force looking for vengeance on Reputation, and there were times I was a little scared. I was like ooohhh get em gurl THAT’S RIGHT TELL EM. This song is supposed to be like a callout and first of all let’s be honest and say the name of it stinks. It’s wordy and fairytale-ish. Then she’s talking about stupid names and stupid prizes and it makes me think of a child who knows they’re wrong and is like THIS IS STUPID just because they don’t want to do it. So as far as the lyrics go, I’m not all in. I’m to assume she’s taking a political stance here? Yet I seem to miss most political references because I actually am stupid, so I’m heavily relying on Lyrics Genuis here for this one. Either way, it’s not resonating with me. The song itself isn’t bad, plus there’s some shouting, which I’m always down to clown with and throw a fist bump into the air. However, I’m not really a politics gal, so if we’re makin’ commentary on the ole US of A. Count me out.
Best Lyric: I’m feeling helpless, the damsels are depressed/Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men? #Feminism
8. Paper Rings. This is a hard fan favorite. All of my twitter scrolling has told me that people are going wild for this one. Another ode to her being ready as hell to get married, JOE. Let’s hope he’s on the same page here otherwise that would’ve been a REAL awkward first listening sesh for this album where almost every song is like let’s do the damn thing, yo. Also important to note, when she sings now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe. Um….serious relationship or not this is a hard red flag. No one should be watching anyone breathe. Unless you’re watching someone SNORE waiting for the right moment to smother them and hope that their near brush with death will make them reconsider breathe right strips or sleeping on their side. Whoa. That got too real for a second. Either way, I’m out on the watching your sig oth sleep. They threw the sleeper creeper (infamous sleep watcher of Saratoga) in jail so that makes it pretty clear it’s a crime. Anyway we got sidetracked there, this is a fun song and it has counting in it so it’s also educational. Groove on.
Best Lyric: I want to drive away with you/I want your complications too/I want your dreary Mondays. How nice it is to want someone else’s complications. That’s true love, folks.
9. Cornelia Street. Since Taylor and Karlie Kloss were on this street at one point in their friendship or something, everyone wants to push the agenda that it’s about her and I’m so over the “Karlie and Taylor dated” theories. It’s a sweet song about how she doesn’t want to go through a break up because when you do everything sucks and all of your memories are tied in with everywhere you go. Basically just set all of your things on fire when you end a relationship because everything is going to remind you of that relationship and it bloooooooows. This song is nice though. Because she’s still happy and is like oh if we broke up everything would be terrible but we’re still together so look at all these nice memories we made in this apt. It’s All Too Well vibes without the actual heartbreak. Fall! Dancing in the kitchen! Living together and being in love! Good for you, Tay (she says bitterly and with a look of disgust on her face.)
Best Lyric: And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name
10. Death By A Thousand Cuts. Now this is more like it. A real dramats break up song. It’s like she knew I was going to roll my eyes at Cornelia Street and was like just you wait, breakups are like being sliced to death, revel in this song. And YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL. The next time my mom calls to check up on me and ask how I’m doing, I’m going to tell her I’m dying from a thousand cuts and honestly she probably won’t be that thrown off because this sounds like something I would say anyway because I’m the biggest drama queen ever to walk this earth. BUT WHATEVER. The most unfortunate part of this song is that it was inspired by the Netflix movie Someone Great, which my sister and I watched and it was a giant grease fire of garbage. See? Dramatic. But seriously though the movie stunk and I would not recommend. The girl goes through a sad breakup and basically just parties her face off with her besties. Cool. Sick way to handle that.
Best Lyric: I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright/They say, “I don’t know”/And what once was ours is no one’s now. Sobbing emoji.
11. London Boy. UGH as you’ll recall from Reputation, I hate when Taylor yaps on and on about how her boyfriend is British. Like we get it, everything he says sounds fancier JUST because he was born in England. I’m already jelly of that because my accent will always sound like T-rash next to a Brit. You don’t need to rub it in any harder. This song is fine, I guess. I can just do with a little less British slobbering.
Best Lyric: They say home is where the heart is/But that’s not where mine lives.
12. Soon You’ll Get Better (ft. Dixie Chicks). Since this song is about Taylor’s mom going through cancer it’s a total sobfest and you have a stone cold heart if you don’t at least tear up when listening to it. There’s not much else to say about it. It’s beautiful but also will give you all of the sads.
Best Lyric: And I hate to make this all about me/But who am I supposed to talk to?/What am I supposed to do/If there’s no you?.
13. False God. Taylor REALLY loves NYC. Like really can’t stop name dropping it in songs. And honestly, the last time I was there I saw a homeless man high as a kite, barefoot, farmer’s blow loads of snot onto the sidewalk directly in front of me. And having that visual, which is a preeetttyyy common occurrence in the city that never sleeps, how can she love it so much? Is NYC better for rich people? I mean I know she probably has a penthouse and takes a black car everywhere, but like, still gotta walk on the same sidewalks as the commoners sooo….I just don’t get it. Either way, this song is also an easy skip for me. Mostly because it just got me fired all the way up about what a dumpster fire the city of New York is but also because it’s just not that good.
Best Lyric: I know heaven’s a thing/I go there when you touch me, honey/Hell is when I fight with you.
14. You Need to Calm Down. (My Initial Reaction: I didn’t blog about it because I didn’t want to look like a homophobe but I was strictly OUT on You Need to Calm Down because no one ever tells me to calm down and also it was basically just a way for her to crown herself queen of the gays, which like, we get it Taylor. EVERYONE LOVES YOU. Gawd.) My Current Reaction: This song still blows but it doesn’t mean I hate the gays. It just means I hate this song.
Best Lyric: We all know now we all got crowns. It was a struggle to pick a lyric here but I’ll stan anything that says I’m a queen.
15. Afterglow. Another break up song and at this point I’m struggling to get through the album. The highs and lows, IT’S ALL TOO MUCH TAYLOR. This one she’s like hey guess what all of this is my fault. So for all you h8ers who say Taylor excludes herself from any narrative she doesn’t want to be a part of, ya lyin. Look at her taking ownership in this song. She’s so mature. Also this is another one that grows on you.
Best Lyric: Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves
16. ME! (ft. Brendan Urie). (My Initial Reaction: Let’s get this out of the way real quick–could’ve done all the way without a random dramatic french scene at the beginning. And the spelling breakdown in the middle. But that’s just Taylor and of course she has to throw her talking and dramatics in every song and I’ve just come to accept it rather than fight it. Other than that, I was captivated by this video from start to finish. I felt like I was high on pastels and unicorns and I was perfectly content with it. For a fleeting moment I considered also getting pink hair. But the moment has passed.) My Current Reaction: This song still slaps and I will fight anyone who shits on it for being a Sesame Street song. It’s fun and poppy and narcissistic and I support any song that’s basically like I’m the best person ever so suck it, world. It’s over the top and that’s why I love it. The perfect first song into Lisa Frank pastel and happy Taylor.
Best Lyric: Livin’ in winter, I am your summer
17. It’s Nice to Have a Friend. Hard pass on this jingle. Between the chimes and the children’s chorus choir, it is CREEPY AF. Like gives me the shivers every time I hear it and not in a good way. Nightmare fuel. Sorry but this will be an auto skip always. Can’t win em all, and I’d say we’re still pretty good odds with such a long album that there’s only a couple that I want to rip my ears off as soon as I hear the first few notes. The trumpet solo in the middle with church bells? Seriously, rip them right off.
Best Lyric: Light pink sky, up on the roof. Honestly I hate all of the lyrics too but who doesn’t love a pink sky.
18. Daylight. And the grand finale, Taylor finally knows what true love is actually like and shocking absolutely no one, she’s comparing it to colors, cause that’s just what homegirl does. Cheers to her golden love with her British boyf. What a hopeful and cheery way to end the album. I wholeheartedly approve and have nothing snarky at all to say except for that I wish she didn’t talk at the end. OK BYEEEE.
Best Lyric: I once believed love would be (Burning red)/But it’s golden
Typical Tay, dropping 15 singles off of her album before the album officially comes out and then there’s like one song we haven’t heard yet from it. Coming off of a moody “The Archer”, this is a bold move to release another deep, slow tune. And let’s not pussyfoot around this, it’s basically her proposing through a song. So obviously, the bitter love-hating bitch that I am, I immediately wanted to be like nope, not for me. But then she warmed my cold dead heart, as only mah gurl T can do, and I was a puddle by the end of it. Obviously the best lyrics are “my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue, all’s well that ends well to end up with you.” It ain’t even a competition. What a wordsmith she is. And I’ll save you the quick google search because all I did was look up the lyrics and I saw 9898239802 articles titled “All of the references to Joe Alwyn in Taylor Swift’s new song.” OH YOU DON’T SAY?! The song she wrote about loving someone forever is about the guy she’s been dating for 3 years?! GET OUT OF TOWN. Also if you really wanna go down a rabbit hole (which I always do), look up the lyrics on Lyrics Genius and see that Taylor is such a boss that pretty much every song she writes is tied in some way to another song she’s written. HOW DOES HER BRAIN WORK?! Anyway, enjoy loving love with this new song and cue the countdown to her and Joe’s engagement.
2. The Last Song.
Miley going toe to toe with Taylor this week, except her song is about her marriage falling apart. YOIKES. After I saw Miley twerking in Lake Como on Saturday captioning it “living her best life”, I was like hm something is fishy here–that is a cookie cutter I’M SINGLE NOW post. Then the statement was released that her and Liam are separated and even though I was out drinking at the time, I took it upon myself to scoop everyone in my contacts list on the news. Felt good. Not only because scooping others on celebrity gossip is a high like no other (even when they don’t care) but also because I’ve been V. vocal about the fact that Liam is too good for Miley and I hated them together. I did start to back off on my hate parade once she calmed down (maybe she heard Taylor’s song before it was released?) and then they got married. But obviously one can only mask their partying ways for so long. As she documented herself getting after it in George Clooney’s hometown, it came out that she was smooching it up with Kaitlynn, formerly Jenner but not really because they were never legally married. Stay with me here, folks.
WHICH IS SUCH A LOOK AT ME MOVE. I will bet my left tit that these two were mixing up some vodka sodeys on this yacht and were like, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we made out and everyone would go WILD?! And then they did. And everyone did. Brody had some introspective post then said he and Liam Hemsworth would be holding hands on the beach, Miley clapped back with the anthem for sluts this summer: #hotgirlsummer and while all of this Hills drama was happening…I was meeting Audrina.
Probably bigger news than those two ratchets making out honestly and that’s why I couldn’t let it slip under the radar. We didn’t talk Justin Bobby and for that I will always be disappointed in myself, but I did get to witness her get on the mic and go “If you know the Hills, you know this song” in dumb Audrina speak and then bump Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” into a sea of white drunk people who don’t know the words to a song from 2007 that was best known for playing in the background of LC driving a convertible around LA. What a time to be alive.
First of all, lolz to the fact that this fuzzy Brillo head looks exactly the same. Second of all, don’t post pics of your kid if you don’t want anyone to see their face. That makes LITERALLY no sense to me and I can’t get past the robot emoji. I’m like ohhh cute pic DID YOU BIRTH A ROBOT?! It was shocking and not in a good way. So kinda took away the aw’s for me to be honest. But either way, you know that I’m true to all 90’s nostalgia and couldn’t let this one slide by, especially because I’ve just added a Boy Meets World graphic tee into my rotation and I’m pretty excited for its debut. Cory & Topanga 43v3r.
4. Megan Not-so-FOXy
My boy David Silver went on KFC Radio this week and shared a nice little tidbit that Megan Fox basically begged him to date her and it wasn’t until she was like I guess I’ll go find someone else that he was like NO, WAIT! CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCC guy move. Apparently he wasn’t over his previous relationship yet but like she should probably just wait until he’s ready to date, right?! He then quickly realized he was being a douchenozzle and agreed to date her. Look, I’ve openly admitted on more than one occasion that I don’t get the Megan Fox obsession. I mean yeah, she’s pretty but people like want to die a thousand deaths for how hot she is and I’m just like meh. Alright. Like let’s not be stunned by the fact that he wasn’t interested right away. Maybe they went on a date and he was like damn she’s not funny at all. (Cough cough: when she did that stint on New Girl I wanted to poke my eyes clean out of my head because it was so unfunny and terrible and basically all she does is play the hot girl in anything.) Do I sound jealous? Probably and I’m ok with that. While we’re on a rampage here, the 90210 reboot STIIIIIIINKS. Sorry, guys. Carry on.
It seems like Katy Perry has been on a rollercoaster only careening toward the ground basically since this song came out. She had feuds with Taylor Swift, became a judge on American Idol, went out on tour but her tickets ended up on Groupon, and now everyone’s accusing her of sexual assault and stealing music. Even dressing up as a hamburger and hugging Taylor Swift in YNTCD couldn’t save her. The male star of this video, Josh Kloss, just decided to use the 10 year anniv of the song to be like hey I’ll never celebrate this dirt-ass song because while I was starring in the video Katy was a total B, said kissing me was gross, and then also ripped my pants off at a roller skating rink and showed everyone my wiener. Not a great look, KP. Song still bangs though.
And if you want to feel like Miley and Kaitlynn (and every other young ho) this weekend… HERE YA GO:
Not gonna lie this song is catchy as hell even though it doesn’t inspire me to bang strange all summer long.
It has been brought to my attention that I’ve been slacking on my Ju duties as of lately and although pop culture goss isn’t typically as ravenous in the summer, my life has also been a giant dumpster fire this szn, which doesn’t always inspire me to be funny. So here is my attempt at making a comeback. If I don’t make you laugh, well then you’ll feel just like me right now. Pop on a little Gilmore Girls, let your waterfall of tears flow into a heavy pour of rosé and we could be twinzies. If I do make you laugh, then tell me an obnoxious amount of times because I will never get enough of being told that I’m funny.
1. The Archer.
If anything is going to bring me out of retirement, it’s Tay. Every damn time. She released her first song off the new album that can’t be confused for a Kidz Bop tune and I’m here to give you all of my thoughts on it. Obviously I was all in on ME because I’m a narcissist and related to a song that repeats over and over again how awesome I am, claiming it as my mantra. I didn’t blog about it because I didn’t want to look like a homophobe but I was strictly OUT on You Need to Calm Down because no one ever tells me to calm down and also it was basically just a way for her to crown herself queen of the gays, which like, we get it Taylor. EVERYONE LOVES YOU. Gawd. ANYWAY, here we are at The Archer and it’s moody and dramats with deep lyrics and I’m all about it. Tay has a knack for releasing songs that speak to a certain part of my life, like when 22 came out the year that I turned 22 (yeah that’s right all you young hoez who post “feelin 22” right now. The song was basically written for me and not about today’s youths, who have essentially no problems and feel the need to wear crop tops with no bras every time they leave their home.) So obviously Tay knows that my love life is a shit storm right now and drops this juicy dramatic song. “Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?” I MEAN COME ON. If I had a diary right now, it would probably say exactly that. Good thing I don’t keep diaries anymore because every time I read my middle school one and see “Seventh grade is the year of dating. I want a boyfriend, but not so bad that I’m desperate, and I’ll take anyone.” I want to kms. So I’ll just leave it to Taylor to write all the embarrassing things that I relate to in that moment and look back on in five years and laugh at. Thanks, boo.
2. Lance Came Out for LOLz.
In random stories from 20 years ago, Lance Bass divulged on Watch What Happens Live (because that’s where everyone gets drunk and tells wacky stories) that after Britney got married in Vegas, he came out to her to get her to stop crying and paddle away from her problems in her roflcanoe. Well it worked. A boy-bander being gay got the big belly laugh from our gurl Brit so clearly Lance knows how to read a room. Glad he could come through in the clutch, it’s too bad he didn’t have anymore shocking news to share and talk her down from her bald umbrella smashing epi 3 years later. Womp Womppppp.
I’ve spent some time with my 2 year old niece and I’m having a hard time understanding why anyone would sign up for one of those full-time, let alone three. The most adorbs coups is doing it again though and it’ll be another girl! How joyous to have 3 daughters essentially all right around the same age. I’m saying this sarcastically of course because as the youngest of three girls, I CAN confirm we were monsters from ages 2-19. In fact, I’m still ruining my dad’s life and calling him crying on the daily so look forward to THAT, Thomas Rhett! Daughters are yours until you marry them off…or in my case, FOOOORRRR-EVVVV-ERRRRRR.
4. Shawn Mendes is a Teenage Girl.
Babe soda/teen heartthrob Shawn Mendes is making a lot of waves in the past few weeks after dropping a spicy little tamale of a song with Camila Cabello (see above) and then smooching up on her all over town, sparking new romance rumors. When I saw this and heard their merengue I was like ayeee Papi, get it. JK, but seriously I was rooting for him because he spends 90% of interviews convincing the press he’s not gay AND was shot down by Hailey Baldwin like minutes before she married the Biebs, so I felt like Shawn needed a W. That took a DRAMATIC turn when a fan released the below photo with a butterfly tattoo drawn on Shawn’s ‘cep.
AND THEN HE GOT IT. No seriously. A super fan was like wonder if you had this very intricate butterfly on your arm? And he was like gr8 idea. WHAT. Butterflies had their moment in the 1990’s with Mariah Carey and Aeropastale. WHAT PLANET AM I ON THAT THEY MAKE A COMEBACK? First Taylor Swift and now Shawn Mendes? Come. ONNNNNN.
Listen, I tried to be in your corner, Shawn. I shipped your new relashe. But unless this courtship has dramatically ended and you were drunk surfing through Twitter and stumbled upon this fan suggestion, there’s no reason to be butterfly stamping your muscle. Total Mosby Move.
Nothing makes you feel like a more GIANT loser than watching JLo turn up at 50 harder than you ever have in your whole life and you’re basically half her age. Am I a complete and utter dweeb? Don’t answer that. About a month ago I made up a drinking game to Saved by the Bell once I discovered it was on Hulu so I think we all know what that means. I can cut loose with the best of ’em. #BUCKWILD. Also I heard Ryan Seacrest couldn’t get in because he was there so early and wasn’t on the list. NERD ALERT. At least I’m cooler than Seacrest. You don’t show up to a celebrity party at 7 on the dot you big wiener. But seriously, JLo LAYING OUT ON THE TURN TABLES with ARod as her #1 hypeman in the background was my favorite thing I’ve seen in a real long time. Also, surprising to no one, she looked like a damn snack at her Grammys-level birthday bash. I bet Leo was there.
The Salty Ju 