Since I cut cable out of my life in the middle of summer when none of my shows were on and it wasn’t awards season yet, obviously last night was a real wake up call. I had to work the hardest to steal cable from my wealthier family members and then the app closed out during every commercial break so basically what I’m trying to say is appreciate this awards season content extra from my poor ass cause the struggle is R E A L.

WORST

I mean, without fail, every time, we get a salsa dancer emoji on the red carpet. Props to this gal for being it.

This is a glittery garbage bag.

I’m so perplexed by this. Was the top an accident? Did they take the hem off of the bottom and then just bunch it up and toss it over her head like a bib?

I wanted to be on board with this but it’s just too many things at once. Erect Ciny Lou-Who hair, ruffled top, wide belt/tuxedo jacket waist, cape, hard flares….WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. Pick one of these things. ONE.

Ugh this is SUCH a Dawson Leery tryhard outfit. Barf all over me.

The Emmys isn’t really the time to try punk rocker chic, plz see yourself to an Avril Lavigne concert, Jenny.

I’m sorry. I can’t get on board with brown anything. This is a poop suit.

This chick came about 2 years late to the Met Gala “Catholicism” theme.

Holy boobs.

Ah, a classic outfit for when the seasons are changing. Cold shoulder for a little sun on the left, long sleeve on the right because it’s chilly in the mornings. Oh and why not just slap a pair of pants on underneath? Convenient.

80’s prom dress, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

I don’t need to see clear from your chin to your panty line or lack thereof.

I can get down with a good jumpsuit but I’ve already expressed my disdain with the gaucho style pant leg coming back and if I CAN’T FIND YOUR FEET, YOUR PANTS ARE DOING TOO MUCH.

The good news is we’re not staring directly at Alex’s erect nipples in a silk dress this year. The bad news is she still doesn’t look great.

Meh. After making Four Weddings and a Funeral appointment TV every Wednesday night, I wanted more from our gurl Maya. This also feels like a prom look.

Fine dress to wear to a backyard wedding, not an awards show.

Also feel let down by the new J.Law cool girl, Sophie. This dress is essentially the same color as her skin and it’s really not doing anything for me.

Wooooooof this bright purple does not go well with her transparent skin color.

Only these two a-holes would OVERDRESS for an awards show that they have no business being at. Also quick shout out to them presenting the best reality TV Emmy and having the crowd BURST out laughing at “our family knows how to make good TV just by being ourselves.” And these sweet, sweet idiots were confused when everyone started laughing. CUT TO THE NOMINEES, QUICK.

Again with the odd shapes just tossed on top. Is that a cape as a top? How does it stay up?!

I love this color and her hair and pink lip but does the top piece not look like a saggy bikini top? It’s like Christina Long Boobs Applegate up in HERE.

BEST

I was all set to make a Free Willy joke at first glance on this outfit but honestly she’s pulling killer whale chic OFF. And Eugene looks sharp as well.

WHAT A PASTEL DREAM. I die for this color.

I like both of these colors together. God, I sound like Taylor Swift now with Synesthesia but for realz I dig. Plus a jazzy plaid done right.

B2B Pretty Princess ‘fits

Oh Shit, Ray-J.

Classic

Don’t really understand how she manages to appear at every red carpet ever but we all know how I feel about yellow this year as evident by my Gold Old Navy heels that I bought on clearance in July and have worn literally every single day since. Fun fact: yellow goes with everything. Says me.

Sterling perpetually looks fresh to death.

Everyone’s slobbering all over this actress because everyone’s slobbering over Fleabag. I haven’t seen it but she’s crushing in this woodland fairy angel dress.

Token blue suit that I drool over.

Normally I would dump all over this outfit because I don’t support ladies who attend a classy event with their areolas one deep breath away from busting free, but this is Mandy Moore we’re talking about here and she’s basically an American treasure. She’s got some sassy curls and she’s giving us good leg and for that I’m willing to overlook the near nip slip.

Suspenders thing is kinda wierd but this cooooooolooooooorrrr

I would give my left tit for perfect ombre’d mermaid waves like these.

Can’t go wrong with a basic black gown.

JLD is such a babe soda.

Great color and style for Sandra.

One of many pink/red combo deals and I liked them all. Yes they’re all essentially the same exact dress accentuating different body parts but I’m here for it.

I WANT THESE SPARKLE PANTS.

There was obviously a two-for-one special on this fabric. I wonder if stylists get fired when they pull this move and put several A-listers in essentially the same dress. Someone let me know. I live for the drama.

YaAaAaaAsssSssss Kweeeeeen. (it’s past my bedtime so now I’m just reverting to basic bitch cliche phrases but honestly this really sums up how I feel about this outfit anyway.)

He’s still a creepster but at least he dresses ON POINT.

Another nod to the fashionable gents representin’

YELLOW. And this style is supes flattering on Busy & helps to distract from her cotton candy hurrr.

This is kind of a risky look for Michelle Williams who usually wears solid color classic cut gowns. She looks beautiful as always.

HOT PINK GET IT GURL.

My sister texted me yesterday and said she made about 12 leopard print purchases in TJ Maxx and wore one of them around the store while she was shopping. And I replied that if my entire wardrobe could consist of leopard and camo print, I could die happy. Something tells me Bonnie gets us.

Zendaya gets the two syllable dAYYY-UmmNNN of the evening. I mean how could she not?

What a disco ball!

YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!! THE ONLY REASON HALSEY ISN’T MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT IS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I SHOULD GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY IS A TV STAR, BUUUUUT, CAN I JUST SAY SHE MUST BE READING MY BLOG? I HAVE HARPED ON HALSEY FOOOOORRRREEEVVERRRR ABOUT HOW PRETTY SHE IS AND SHE DRESSES LIKE A HOEBOT AND SHE DELIIIIIIIIVERED FOR THE EMMYS. (ALSO SANG A PHENOM COVER OF TIME AFTER TIME) ANYWAY BACK TO THIS CLASSY AND BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND IT’S MY FAVORITE COLOR AND HER HAIR IS NATURAL AND PRETTY AND HER MAKEUP IS MINIMAL BECAUSE SHE DON’T NEED NO MAKEUP AND OK I’LL STOP SHOUTING. IT’S LIKE I JUST WANT TO SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT HALSEY IS A BEAUT AND I LOVE HER. THE END.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

At first I just thought this was unique and cool, a shiny striped dress. Then I saw her take the stage and it’s all intricate beading. Making it 100x cooler. A lot of great looks tonight but this was by far my favorite.