For the first time since 2016, I felt like I was familiar with enough singers & performances to endure the MTV VMA’s. And although they tried to dub themselves music’s biggest night, I wasn’t terribly disappointed! Am I getting cooler or is MTV just catering to my age demographic now? It’s the latter, obviously. There was a BO$$ performance from Missy Misdemeanor Elliott with a cameo from Alyson Stoner (her OG dancer) that brought the house down. Also featured: Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello NOT kissing but definitely creating some boner jams, Miley Cyrus and my queen Lizzo serving up some real talk. So, yes, this was an awards show for those above 25 and I accept. Here’s my breakdown of how everyone looked.
WORST
I get that her hit song is sweet but a psycho but like do we really need to dress like it’s a comic con event to hammer it home?
I DON’T UNDERSTAND TRENDS. THIS IS A WOMEN’S SUIT STRAIGHT FROM 1982. HE WON A FASHION AWARD LAST NIGHT. HOW.
I’ve been dabbling in Snooki’s insta lately and even (gasp) browsed her online store and tbh I expected her to look a lot cuter. This weird rain coat with wedges combo didn’t hit for me.
DJ Khaled’s style is dad at SeƱor Frogs and it makes me laugh out loud because WHAT A NERD.
I’m having a real difficult time getting on board with gauchos again. They were in circa 2005, I bought 5 identical pairs of them including a sweatpants pair from AE (versatile) and now I look back at those pictures and scream laugh at how stupid they are. Please don’t bring them back. Put them away again. You should never have to question where someone’s legs/feet are.
What fresh hell are these shoes that look like they have teeth on them?
LOOFAH.
Sorry Bella but this is weird as hell. What happens if you pull the straps on the bottom? Does her whole outfit scrunch together like the living room shade that it most definitely is? God I need to know.
HALSEY. Cuuuuuutttt the shittttt. I’m so sick of seeing you in a dominatrix outfit every time you walk a carpet. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS BEAUTIFUL. STOP DRESSING LIKE A TRASHWAGON.
These are drapes.
Holy SHIT Allison. What’s the point in even wearing the dress?
Taaaaacky.
Just Diplo bein himself, forever on my worst dressed list.
Great bod but ya’ll know how I feel about nearly nudes on the red carpet.
I get that we had a little throwback to the 2000’s night what with the Missy Elliott medley but by no means does that require a B. Spears snake copycat on the red carpet, LET ALONE TWO.
BEST
FLOWER.PANTS.
I’m loving Queen Latifah in orange. I’m loving her Asian tourist dubz peace sign EVEN MORE.
I recently saw Bebe Rexha live and she turned me into a fan just by wearing leggings and shaking her ass an IMPRESSIVE amount all over the stage. Girl gives good thigh and I’m here for it.
Best way to win a moonman? Dress like one. Respect.
Covered up that butterfly tattoo with a nice teal suit.
Never would’ve guessed J.Woww would be the classiest of the crew but she looks great. Living her best life without Roger.
B2B yellow lewwwwkz. My favorite color of the moment.
If you hate Lizzo and her cocky as shit persona then you have a big dump in your pants.
COLORS. BLAZER WITH NO PANTS. OVER THE KNEE BOOTS. REVERSE SWEETHEART NECKLINE. WHIMSY. Her performance outfit was better, tbh but this works too.
Pink suit really complements his blue hurrrr.
I can’t shout out Tay’s blazer/over the knee boot combo deal without also shouting out Megan’s! #hotgirlsummer
Billy Ray’s still got itttttttt
Outfit looks great, I’m really concerned about the fact that Gigi is a model and her go-to red carpet move is a gaping mouth. Is that what models do now? Should I start opening my mouth for pics? Trick question I already do.
Curveball–Lenny’s pulling OFF the Canadian tuxedo.
Always love a subtle leopard.
Gotta give all the props considering these three goobers wore emerald green, royal blue, and orange suits (respectively) on their stop in Albany last week and it looked like we were accidentally at a Wiggles concert. Keep it simple with greys and blacks, boys.
DAAAYummnnNnn Whit looks like a babe soda!
Love this move by Lil Nas X. Especially because he didn’t top it with a bejeweled cowboy hat.
TWINZZZZZZZIES. Literally. They’re wearing the exact same suit, one was the host of the show, one hosted the red carpet. Would be suuupes embarrassing if I didn’t LOVE a summer aqua. T wore it better. White sneaks awl day.
BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:
I don’t have words. Everything about this outfit is perfect.
The album dropped Friday and now that Iāve had time to listen to it several times, buy the deluxe edition, read Taylorās diary (scary similar to my own circa 6th grade, much less similar when she was at the Met Gala at 18) and tape the Deluxe Version 1 poster up to my front door, Iām fully ready to give you all of my opinions on each song and relate all of the lyrics back to my own life. Also I might add that Iām writing this track by track review v. hungover so basically Iām battling the queasies just to deliver content for your Monday morning at work. Iām the Taylor Swift fan that you all deserve.
1. I Forgot That You Existed. I love the move to start an album with a bop especially because itās Petty Mayonnaise Taylor and sheās right out of the gate being shady as hell toward Calvin Harris. HOWEVER I also hate talking Taylor and her speaking the word indifference (and adding a giggle in) makes me want to blow my brains out. I get sheās trying to be funny and sassy and all but I could do without the talkies, always.
Best Lyric: In my feelings more than Drake, so yeah/Your name on my lips, tongue-tied/Free rent, living in my mind
2. Cruel Summer. At first listen I hated this song but then second time around and every time since itās rapidly grown on me and now itās easily one of my favorites. What sold me, you ask? When she basically starts screaming in the bridge. Iām like oh ok, cruel summer whatever, lots of oohās and colors but then when sheās drunk and shouty and goes HE LOOKS UP GRINNING LIKE THE DEVIL, itās game on. First of all, thereās a reason Drunk Taylor was trending on twitter a couple of weeks ago to her clearly smashed singing her own song. Itās a rare occurrence we get to see a tipsy Tay so we have to relish it when we can and I literally pictured a drunk Taylor screaming up to some guyās window I DONāT WANT TO KEEP SECRETS JUST TO KEEP YOU and it makes me laugh out loud and also want to shout everything.
Best Lyric: I’m always waiting for you to be waiting below/Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes/What doesn’t kill me makes me want you more. Honestly who is this devil man she keeps referring to? What an aggressive comparison to be making. Did Tay try casual sex?
3. Lover. (My initial reaction: Typical Tay, dropping 15 singles off of her album before the album officially comes out and then thereās like one song we havenāt heard yet from it. Coming off of a moody āThe Archerā, this is a bold move to release another deep, slow tune. And letās not pussyfoot around this, itās basically her proposing through a song. So obviously, the bitter love-hating bitch that I am, I immediately wanted to be like nope, not for me. But then she warmed my cold dead heart, as only mah gurl T can do, and I was a puddle by the end of it. Obviously the best lyrics are āmy heartās been borrowed and yours has been blue, allās well that ends well to end up with you.ā It aināt even a competition. What a wordsmith she is. And Iāll save you the quick google search because all I did was look up the lyrics and I saw 9898239802 articles titled āAll of the references to Joe Alwyn in Taylor Swiftās new song.ā OH YOU DONāT SAY?! The song she wrote about loving someone forever is about the guy sheās been dating for 3 years?! GET OUT OF TOWN. Also if you really wanna go down a rabbit hole (which I always do), look up the lyrics on Lyrics Genius and see that Taylor is such a boss that pretty much every song she writes is tied in some way to another song sheās written. HOW DOES HER BRAIN WORK?! Anyway, enjoy loving love with this new song and cue the countdown to her and Joeās engagement.)
My current reaction: Every single time I hear this song I love it more and more and itās my favorite song, might even be vying for a second place pick for overall favorite Taylor Swift song. All Too Well is a very clear and obvious numero uno. Even the video was beautiful and mesmerizing. God, Tay turning me into such a sap.
4. The Man. Hey guys, itās the era of #MeToo and #GirlBoss and #Feminism and thatās basically what this song is here for. Itās a Who Run the World but jabbier. I mean she goes after Leo and thatās PREEETTTTYYYY bold. No one goes after Leo. He made saying āboo booā cool again, but heās a man SO HE SUCKS. But seriously, guys, stop calling Taylor a serial dater just because she has a vag. Cut the shit.
Best Lyric: If I was out flashing my dollars/ Iād be a bitch, not a baller. Taylor swears now.
5. The Archer. (My Initial Reaction: here we are at The Archer and itās moody and dramats with deep lyrics and Iām all about it. Tay has a knack for releasing songs that speak to a certain part of my life, like when 22 came out the year that I turned 22 (yeah thatās right all you young hoez who post āfeelin 22ā right now. The song was basically written for me and not about todayās youths, who have essentially no problems and feel the need to wear crop tops with no bras every time they leave their home.) So obviously Tay knows that my love life is a shit storm right now and drops this juicy dramatic song. āWho could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?ā I MEAN COME ON. If I had a diary right now, it would probably say exactly that. Good thing I donāt keep diaries anymore because every time I read my middle school one and see āSeventh grade is the year of dating. I want a boyfriend, but not so bad that Iām desperate, and Iāll take anyone.ā I want to kms. So Iāll just leave it to Taylor to write all the embarrassing things that I relate to in that moment and look back on in five years and laugh at. Thanks, boo.) My current reaction: now that Iāve heard the whole album it doesnāt stand out as much for me but I still donāt hate the moody feels to it either. Also since we were talkinā diaries, Taylor had an entry from like 8th grade about how she forgot it was valentineās day because she doesnāt have a boyfriend OR a crush and thereās no point in even acknowledging v day if you donāt have āthose key elementsā and if thatās not literally a page ripped from my dramatic pre-teen life then I donāt know what is. So thanks for sharing your embarrassing and overdramatic words so that I can identify that I wasnāt the only loser writing in a diary about being single at 14.
Best Lyric: And I cut off my nose just to spite my face/Then I hate my reflection for years and years. Honestly it was very difficult for me to pick just one lyric because theyāre all dramatic as hell and I identify with each one at this point in my life.
6. I Think He Knows. Lots of punchy elements on this one. Weāve got the high background singer voices that could get real annoying, real quick. But then when the beat picks up and she scream sings HEARTBEAT, I just canāt stop myself from grooving. In case you havenāt already come to this conclusion, I love a good scream sing. Not only is this a fun dance number, but Taylor is REAL high on herself basically saying that Joe knows how great she is and couldnāt fathom letting her go. He just HAD to lock her down. Lotta cocky confidence there, which I respect. Also she wants to know that body like itās hers. Sex stuff. Taylorās just so grown up now.
Best Lyric: He’s so obsessed with me and, boy, I understand/Boy, I understand. Get it gurl.
7. Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince. Hereās when I started to realize we are miles and miles away from Reputation. Bad Girl Tay was in full force looking for vengeance on Reputation, and there were times I was a little scared. I was like ooohhh get em gurl THATāS RIGHT TELL EM. This song is supposed to be like a callout and first of all letās be honest and say the name of it stinks. Itās wordy and fairytale-ish. Then sheās talking about stupid names and stupid prizes and it makes me think of a child who knows theyāre wrong and is like THIS IS STUPID just because they donāt want to do it. So as far as the lyrics go, Iām not all in. Iām to assume sheās taking a political stance here? Yet I seem to miss most political references because I actually am stupid, so Iām heavily relying on Lyrics Genuis here for this one. Either way, itās not resonating with me. The song itself isnāt bad, plus thereās some shouting, which Iām always down to clown with and throw a fist bump into the air. However, Iām not really a politics gal, so if weāre makinā commentary on the ole US of A. Count me out.
Best Lyric: I’m feeling helpless, the damsels are depressed/Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men? #Feminism
8. Paper Rings. This is a hard fan favorite. All of my twitter scrolling has told me that people are going wild for this one. Another ode to her being ready as hell to get married, JOE. Letās hope heās on the same page here otherwise that wouldāve been a REAL awkward first listening sesh for this album where almost every song is like letās do the damn thing, yo. Also important to note, when she sings now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe. Umā¦.serious relationship or not this is a hard red flag. No one should be watching anyone breathe. Unless youāre watching someone SNORE waiting for the right moment to smother them and hope that their near brush with death will make them reconsider breathe right strips or sleeping on their side. Whoa. That got too real for a second. Either way, Iām out on the watching your sig oth sleep. They threw the sleeper creeper (infamous sleep watcher of Saratoga) in jail so that makes it pretty clear itās a crime. Anyway we got sidetracked there, this is a fun song and it has counting in it so itās also educational. Groove on.
Best Lyric: I want to drive away with you/I want your complications too/I want your dreary Mondays. How nice it is to want someone elseās complications. Thatās true love, folks.
9. Cornelia Street. Since Taylor and Karlie Kloss were on this street at one point in their friendship or something, everyone wants to push the agenda that itās about her and Iām so over the āKarlie and Taylor datedā theories. Itās a sweet song about how she doesnāt want to go through a break up because when you do everything sucks and all of your memories are tied in with everywhere you go. Basically just set all of your things on fire when you end a relationship because everything is going to remind you of that relationship and it bloooooooows. This song is nice though. Because sheās still happy and is like oh if we broke up everything would be terrible but weāre still together so look at all these nice memories we made in this apt. Itās All Too Well vibes without the actual heartbreak. Fall! Dancing in the kitchen! Living together and being in love! Good for you, Tay (she says bitterly and with a look of disgust on her face.)
Best Lyric: And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name
10.Ā Death By A Thousand Cuts. Now this is more like it. A real dramats break up song. Itās like she knew I was going to roll my eyes at Cornelia Street and was like just you wait, breakups are like being sliced to death, revel in this song. And YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL. The next time my mom calls to check up on me and ask how Iām doing, Iām going to tell her Iām dying from a thousand cuts and honestly she probably wonāt be that thrown off because this sounds like something I would say anyway because Iām the biggest drama queen ever to walk this earth. BUT WHATEVER. The most unfortunate part of this song is that it was inspired by the Netflix movie Someone Great, which my sister and I watched and it was a giant grease fire of garbage. See? Dramatic. But seriously though the movie stunk and I would not recommend. The girl goes through a sad breakup and basically just parties her face off with her besties. Cool. Sick way to handle that.
Best Lyric: I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright/They say, “I don’t knowā/And what once was ours is no one’s now. Sobbing emoji.
11. London Boy. UGH as youāll recall from Reputation, I hate when Taylor yaps on and on about how her boyfriend is British. Like we get it, everything he says sounds fancier JUST because he was born in England. Iām already jelly of that because my accent will always sound like T-rash next to a Brit. You donāt need to rub it in any harder. This song is fine, I guess. I can just do with a little less British slobbering.
Best Lyric:Ā They say home is where the heart is/But that’s not where mine lives.
12. Soon Youāll Get Better (ft. Dixie Chicks). Since this song is about Taylorās mom going through cancer itās a total sobfest and you have a stone cold heart if you donāt at least tear up when listening to it. There’s not much else to say about it. It’s beautiful but also will give you all of the sads.Ā
Best Lyric: And I hate to make this all about me/But who am I supposed to talk to?/What am I supposed to do/If there’s no you?.Ā
13. False God.Ā Taylor REALLY loves NYC. Like really can’t stop name dropping it in songs. And honestly, the last time I was there I saw a homeless man high as a kite, barefoot, farmer’s blow loads of snot onto the sidewalk directly in front of me. And having that visual, which is a preeetttyyy common occurrence in the city that never sleeps, how can she love it so much? Is NYC better for rich people? I mean I know she probably has a penthouse and takes a black car everywhere, but like, still gotta walk on the same sidewalks as the commoners sooo….I just don’t get it. Either way, this song is also an easy skip for me. Mostly because it just got me fired all the way up about what a dumpster fire the city of New York is but also because it’s just not that good.
Best Lyric: I know heaven’s a thing/I go there when you touch me, honey/Hell is when I fight with you.
14. You Need to Calm Down. (My Initial Reaction: I didnāt blog about it because I didnāt want to look like a homophobe but I was strictly OUT on You Need to Calm Down because no one ever tells me to calm down and also it was basically just a way for her to crown herself queen of the gays, which like, we get it Taylor. EVERYONE LOVES YOU. Gawd.) My Current Reaction: This song still blows but it doesnāt mean I hate the gays. It just means I hate this song.
Best Lyric: We all know now we all got crowns. It was a struggle to pick a lyric here but I’ll stan anything that says I’m a queen.
15. Afterglow.Ā Another break up song and at this point I’m struggling to get through the album. The highs and lows, IT’S ALL TOO MUCH TAYLOR. This one she’s like hey guess what all of this is my fault. So for all you h8ers who say Taylor excludes herself from any narrative she doesn’t want to be a part of, ya lyin. Look at her taking ownership in this song. She’s so mature. Also this is another one that grows on you.
Best Lyric: Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves
16. ME! (ft. Brendan Urie). (My Initial Reaction: Letās get this out of the way real quickācouldāve done all the way without a random dramatic french scene at the beginning. And the spelling breakdown in the middle. But thatās just Taylor and of course she has to throw her talking and dramatics in every song and Iāve just come to accept it rather than fight it. Other than that, I was captivated by this video from start to finish. I felt like I was high on pastels and unicorns and I was perfectly content with it. For a fleeting moment I considered also getting pink hair. But the moment has passed.) My Current Reaction: This song still slaps and I will fight anyone who shits on it for being a Sesame Street song. Itās fun and poppy and narcissistic and I support any song thatās basically like Iām the best person ever so suck it, world. Itās over the top and thatās why I love it. The perfect first song into Lisa Frank pastel and happy Taylor.
Best Lyric: Livin’ in winter, I am your summer
17. Itās Nice to Have a Friend. Hard pass on this jingle. Between the chimes and the childrenās chorus choir, it is CREEPY AF. Like gives me the shivers every time I hear it and not in a good way. Nightmare fuel. Sorry but this will be an auto skip always. Canāt win em all, and Iād say weāre still pretty good odds with such a long album that thereās only a couple that I want to rip my ears off as soon as I hear the first few notes. The trumpet solo in the middle with church bells? Seriously, rip them right off.
Best Lyric: Light pink sky, up on the roof. Honestly I hate all of the lyrics too but who doesn’t love a pink sky.Ā
18. Daylight. And the grand finale, Taylor finally knows what true love is actually like and shocking absolutely no one, she’s comparing it to colors, cause that’s just what homegirl does. Cheers to her golden love with her British boyf. What a hopeful and cheery way to end the album. I wholeheartedly approve and have nothing snarky at all to say except for that I wish she didn’t talk at the end. OK BYEEEE.
Best Lyric: I once believed love would be (Burning red)/But it’s golden
Typical Tay, dropping 15 singles off of her album before the album officially comes out and then there’s like one song we haven’t heard yet from it. Coming off of a moody “The Archer”, this is a bold move to release another deep, slow tune. And let’s not pussyfoot around this, it’s basically her proposing through a song. So obviously, the bitter love-hating bitch that I am, I immediately wanted to be like nope, not for me. But then she warmed my cold dead heart, as only mah gurl T can do, and I was a puddle by the end of it. Obviously the best lyrics are “my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue, all’s well that ends well to end up with you.” It ain’t even a competition. What a wordsmith she is. And I’ll save you the quick google search because all I did was look up the lyrics and I saw 9898239802 articles titled “All of the references to Joe Alwyn in Taylor Swift’s new song.” OH YOU DON’T SAY?! The song she wrote about loving someone forever is about the guy she’s been dating for 3 years?! GET OUT OF TOWN. Also if you really wanna go down a rabbit hole (which I always do), look up the lyrics on Lyrics Genius and see that Taylor is such a boss that pretty much every song she writes is tied in some way to another song she’s written. HOW DOES HER BRAIN WORK?! Anyway, enjoy loving love with this new song and cue the countdown to her and Joe’s engagement.
2. The Last Song.
Miley going toe to toe with Taylor this week, except her song is about her marriage falling apart. YOIKES. After I saw Miley twerking in Lake Como on Saturday captioning it “living her best life”, I was like hm something is fishy here–that is a cookie cutter I’M SINGLE NOW post. Then the statement was released that her and Liam are separated and even though I was out drinking at the time, I took it upon myself to scoop everyone in my contacts list on the news. Felt good. Not only because scooping others on celebrity gossip is a high like no other (even when they don’t care) but also because I’ve been V. vocal about the fact that Liam is too good for Miley and I hated them together. I did start to back off on my hate parade once she calmed down (maybe she heard Taylor’s song before it was released?) and then they got married. But obviously one can only mask their partying ways for so long. As she documented herself getting after it in George Clooney’s hometown, it came out that she was smooching it up with Kaitlynn, formerly Jenner but not really because they were never legally married. Stay with me here, folks.
WHICH IS SUCH A LOOK AT ME MOVE. I will bet my left tit that these two were mixing up some vodka sodeys on this yacht and were like, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we made out and everyone would go WILD?! And then they did. And everyone did. Brody had some introspective post then said he and Liam Hemsworth would be holding hands on the beach, Miley clapped back with the anthem for sluts this summer: #hotgirlsummer and while all of this Hills drama was happening…I was meeting Audrina.
Probably bigger news than those two ratchets making out honestly and that’s why I couldn’t let it slip under the radar. We didn’t talk Justin Bobby and for that I will always be disappointed in myself, but I did get to witness her get on the mic and go “If you know the Hills, you know this song” in dumb Audrina speak and then bump Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” into a sea of white drunk people who don’t know the words to a song from 2007 that was best known for playing in the background of LC driving a convertible around LA. What a time to be alive.
First of all, lolz to the fact that this fuzzy Brillo head looks exactly the same. Second of all, don’t post pics of your kid if you don’t want anyone to see their face. That makes LITERALLY no sense to me and I can’t get past the robot emoji. I’m like ohhh cute pic DID YOU BIRTH A ROBOT?! It was shocking and not in a good way. So kinda took away the aw’s for me to be honest. But either way, you know that I’m true to all 90’s nostalgia and couldn’t let this one slide by, especially because I’ve just added a Boy Meets World graphic tee into my rotation and I’m pretty excited for its debut. Cory & Topanga 43v3r.
4. Megan Not-so-FOXy
My boy David Silver went on KFC Radio this week and shared a nice little tidbit that Megan Fox basically begged him to date her and it wasn’t until she was like I guess I’ll go find someone else that he was like NO, WAIT! CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCC guy move. Apparently he wasn’t over his previous relationship yet but like she should probably just wait until he’s ready to date, right?! He then quickly realized he was being a douchenozzle and agreed to date her. Look, I’ve openly admitted on more than one occasion that I don’t get the Megan Fox obsession. I mean yeah, she’s pretty but people like want to die a thousand deaths for how hot she is and I’m just like meh. Alright. Like let’s not be stunned by the fact that he wasn’t interested right away. Maybe they went on a date and he was like damn she’s not funny at all. (Cough cough: when she did that stint on New Girl I wanted to poke my eyes clean out of my head because it was so unfunny and terrible and basically all she does is play the hot girl in anything.) Do I sound jealous? Probably and I’m ok with that. While we’re on a rampage here, the 90210 reboot STIIIIIIINKS. Sorry, guys. Carry on.
It seems like Katy Perry has been on a rollercoaster only careening toward the ground basically since this song came out. She had feuds with Taylor Swift, became a judge on American Idol, went out on tour but her tickets ended up on Groupon, and now everyone’s accusing her of sexual assault and stealing music. Even dressing up as a hamburger and hugging Taylor Swift in YNTCD couldn’t save her. The male star of this video, Josh Kloss, just decided to use the 10 year anniv of the song to be like hey I’ll never celebrate this dirt-ass song because while I was starring in the video Katy was a total B, said kissing me was gross, and then also ripped my pants off at a roller skating rink and showed everyone my wiener. Not a great look, KP. Song still bangs though.
And if you want to feel like Miley and Kaitlynn (and every other young ho) this weekend… HERE YA GO:
Not gonna lie this song is catchy as hell even though it doesn’t inspire me to bang strange all summer long.
If anything is going to bring me out of retirement, it’s Tay. Every damn time. She released her first song off the new album that can’t be confused for a Kidz Bop tune and I’m here to give you all of my thoughts on it. Obviously I was all in on ME because I’m a narcissist and related to a song that repeats over and over again how awesome I am, claiming it as my mantra. I didn’t blog about it because I didn’t want to look like a homophobe but I was strictly OUT on You Need to Calm Down because no one ever tells me to calm down and also it was basically just a way for her to crown herself queen of the gays, which like, we get it Taylor. EVERYONE LOVES YOU. Gawd. ANYWAY, here we are at The Archer and it’s moody and dramats with deep lyrics and I’m all about it. Tay has a knack for releasing songs that speak to a certain part of my life, like when 22 came out the year that I turned 22 (yeah that’s right all you young hoez who post “feelin 22” right now. The song was basically written for me and not about today’s youths, who have essentially no problems and feel the need to wear crop tops with no bras every time they leave their home.) So obviously Tay knows that my love life is a shit storm right now and drops this juicy dramatic song. “Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?” I MEAN COME ON. If I had a diary right now, it would probably say exactly that. Good thing I don’t keep diaries anymore because every time I read my middle school one and see “Seventh grade is the year of dating. I want a boyfriend, but not so bad that I’m desperate, and I’ll take anyone.” I want to kms. So I’ll just leave it to Taylor to write all the embarrassing things that I relate to in that moment and look back on in five years and laugh at. Thanks, boo.
2. Lance Came Out for LOLz.
In random stories from 20 years ago, Lance Bass divulged on Watch What Happens Live (because that’s where everyone gets drunk and tells wacky stories) that after Britney got married in Vegas, he came out to her to get her to stop crying and paddle away from her problems in her roflcanoe. Well it worked. A boy-bander being gay got the big belly laugh from our gurl Brit so clearly Lance knows how to read a room. Glad he could come through in the clutch, it’s too bad he didn’t have anymore shocking news to share and talk her down from her bald umbrella smashing epi 3 years later. Womp Womppppp.
I’ve spent some time with my 2 year old niece and I’m having a hard time understanding why anyone would sign up for one of those full-time, let alone three. The most adorbs coups is doing it again though and it’ll be another girl! How joyous to have 3 daughters essentially all right around the same age. I’m saying this sarcastically of course because as the youngest of three girls, I CAN confirm we were monsters from ages 2-19. In fact, I’m still ruining my dad’s life and calling him crying on the daily so look forward to THAT, Thomas Rhett! Daughters are yours until you marry them off…or in my case, FOOOORRRR-EVVVV-ERRRRRR.
4. Shawn Mendes is a Teenage Girl.
Babe soda/teen heartthrob Shawn Mendes is making a lot of waves in the past few weeks after dropping a spicy little tamale of a song with Camila Cabello (see above) and then smooching up on her all over town, sparking new romance rumors. When I saw this and heard their merengue I was like ayeee Papi, get it. JK, but seriously I was rooting for him because he spends 90% of interviews convincing the press he’s not gay AND was shot down by Hailey Baldwin like minutes before she married the Biebs, so I felt like Shawn needed a W. That took a DRAMATIC turn when a fan released the below photo with a butterfly tattoo drawn on Shawn’s ‘cep.
AND THEN HE GOT IT. No seriously. A super fan was like wonder if you had this very intricate butterfly on your arm? And he was like gr8 idea. WHAT. Butterflies had their moment in the 1990’s with Mariah Carey and Aeropastale. WHAT PLANET AM I ON THAT THEY MAKE A COMEBACK? First Taylor Swift and now Shawn Mendes? Come. ONNNNNN.
Listen, I tried to be in your corner, Shawn. I shipped your new relashe. But unless this courtship has dramatically ended and you were drunk surfing through Twitter and stumbled upon this fan suggestion, there’s no reason to be butterfly stamping your muscle. Total Mosby Move.
Nothing makes you feel like a more GIANT loser than watching JLo turn up at 50 harder than you ever have in your whole life and you’re basically half her age. Am I a complete and utter dweeb? Don’t answer that. About a month ago I made up a drinking game to Saved by the Bell once I discovered it was on Hulu so I think we all know what that means. I can cut loose with the best of ’em. #BUCKWILD. Also I heard Ryan Seacrest couldn’t get in because he was there so early and wasn’t on the list. NERD ALERT. At least I’m cooler than Seacrest. You don’t show up to a celebrity party at 7 on the dot you big wiener. But seriously, JLo LAYING OUT ON THE TURN TABLES with ARod as her #1 hypeman in the background was my favorite thing I’ve seen in a real long time. Also, surprising to no one, she looked like a damn snack at her Grammys-level birthday bash. I bet Leo was there.
After rocking the cross last year in one of the very rare themes I understood, we’re back to the Met just making up complete and utter bullshit as the theme. I googled it. The theme is “camp”…what is that you may ask? Well I referred to a “what does the camp theme actually mean” article and honestly walked away from the article dumber than when I began reading it. According to everyone and no one all at once, “not everything can be camp, but many things, ideas and objects can be considered ‘campy.'” WOW. With that dum dum dribble, let’s delve into Halloween in May and a rare time that I applaud those who look like assholes and reward them with a spot on the Best Dressed. (As always, apologies for the varying size photos, you would think the Met Ball isn’t held for the ridiculous outfits with the way they hold back on the save-able shots. High internet security.)
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There have been far too many period comparisons to this outfit for me to see anything other than a giant pool of uterine wall shedding all over the Met Gala carpet. Also sick red swim cap to top it all off.
I’m feeling ashamed for the time I so desperately defended Harry’s hotness to everyone in my family telling me he was yucky. Because this nipple peekaboo jumpsuit is yuck-yyy.
Janelle’s left tit is following me everywhere I go.
I love how Kim Kardashian is continuously invited to this shindig and never fails to show up in whatever “trend” she’s been wearing everywhere for the past month. (That Kanye 100% dictated for her.) Thanks for lubing up your cleavage and stopping by, Kim. Always a pleasure.
Although my instinct is to be dazzled by the sparkly shoes, I can’t with this duet. Nick looks like Gomez Addams and Priyanka is a figment of my nightmares.
Everything about this gives me the uncomfies. From the Dumbo feather ears to her just completely being naked.
There HAS to be something living in that hair. You don’t toss hair like that out into the open air without a bird calling it home.
I’ve stared at this a lot and I will 9000% wake up tonight with a jolt, look around my room and only see eyes.
That hip bone jutting out actually pains me. Can you imagine physically running into her on the pink carpet? You’d literally feel like a stab victim with that pointy guy. Also we get it, you’re rich and covered in jewels.
I don’t know what about CAMP means EYES but enough already, ya creeps.
These two are grouped together because I ASSUME they were only invited to this because they played Freddie Mercury & Elton John respectively this year. Two of the most flamboyant and fashionably out-there singers in history. Their costumes were so over the top what I can only imagine CAMP is, and yet these two boners showed up in black suits. WOW. You really took a dare here. Plain bagels through and through.
This made me laugh out loud because we were just graced with a public appearance from these two trolls and it’s SO soon for them to double back and switch out their wool cloaks for leather ones. Thank you for coming and showing your diversity. Back to the caves now.
GATOR DON’T PLAY NO SHIT, YA FEEL ME?! GATOR NEVER BEEN ABOUT THAT, NEVER BEEN ABOUT PLAYIN NO SHIT.
UGH. I already bitched about Halsey stinking up the joint with skanky outfits on my last red carpet and here she is again, rolling up to a high fashion event showing maximum skin. Great color. But cover up for a change, gurl. WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER THINK?!
I don’t know if they tried to coordinate but if they did, yoikes.
Burlesque Show Girl.
I like kicks with a dress but not when that dress looks like an omelette with bacon scattered in it.
I feel like this is more than one time that Kylie has channeled Lil Kim and at this point just become her, yo.
OH MY GOD how badly does Kris want to be young and hip?!
It’s hilarious to see how seriously people take this and Emma Stone is like I’m just gonna wear an 80’s tracksuit thanks.
Originally I was going to be nice and toss her on the best because I was so intrigued by this head to toe striping but then I scrolled back up to the mechanical teeth and bananas fastened to her dome piece and had to have a real heart to heart with myself about if I’ve become soft in my old age. So Rainbow Brite Chiquita Banana can hang loose on the worst dressed.
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I’m so torn here. Because on the one hand, Celine’s face looks like Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove.
Yet on the other hand, her 51 year old stems look like THAT. You know I’m a sucker for good leg and she’s giving it.
I can’t help but laugh out loud at this fool. He’s so extra every year and who would’ve thought that taking it to the next level would be making his head into a purse. SO creepy and yet the hair on that decapitated head purse? Majestic. One might even call him “Sexy Jesus.”
CURVEBALL. I dump on Katy Perry all the time for her STUPID AF red carpet outfits. She tries WAY too hard because she doesn’t have a career anymore and got engaged to Orlando Bloom to stay relevant in the world. I have to applaud her coming to this dressed as a chandelier though. It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. From dressing as a cheeto to a double decker lamp. She’s come such a long way. I see you, girl. How could I not, you’re GLOWING. lololololol.
I declared my newfound obsession with Lizzo in the weekly JUice last week and she dressed as a G-D flamingo, which IS BASICALLY MY SPIRIT ANIMAL so yes, tysm you bright pink flaming, you.
I’m pro anyone who finds a way to be carried into an event. And then have a wingspan the length of the carpet. Mad respect.
I shit on Zendaya a lot too but dressing as Cinderella in a light up dress hits me right in the Disney princess feels. She even set up a glass slipper that she “left behind” and had this “fairy godmother” sprinkle magic dust on her for photos. COMMITMENT TO A BIT.
LIFE IN PLASTIC, IT’S FANTASTIC. WHO DOESN’T LOVE BARBIE?!
I like purple and I’m intrigued by this lacy legging situation.
Ryan Murphy basically invented camp (am I doing this right?!) This ensemble is nothing short of amazing.
I guess I’m just a real hoe for Barbie vibes because I’m loving this. I even somehow overlooked the fact that she’s very clearly wearing a G string, probably because I was drooling over how tan her back is and wondering if I’ll ever have skin that isn’t the color of ghosts someday soon.
Wifey Miley really cleaning up her act and I’m here for it. Nothing needs to be said about that specimen on the right. Stunning as always.
Everyone has their undies in a wad for the gents who show up not wearing a dress and heels basically. Well guess what, Michael B Jordan can wear whatever he’s comfy in and I’m still gonna say he looks like a dime piece. Also I never need to see a man’s nipples on the red carpet, cough cough HARRY.
She is quite literally dripping in Gold.
Could take or leave this weird dragon girl dress but ultimately put her on the best list for her hair and makeup because she looks like a real beaut.
Basically stepped out of T.Swift’s ME era.
I can only imagine Mindy told her stylist she wanted to be Chloe Silverado for the night and this is what they landed on. Only 3% of my already dismal number of readers will get that joke and I’m ok with it. Mind Project stan 4 lyfe.
dAYuMn.
I could do without the sparkle head but I mean it’s JLo and she looks like a babe soda. And ARod is killin the pink tux.
Hi this guy dressed as a literal THEATER. Asshole level: 1000%. I love it.
And obviously bow down to the queen of aholes, Lady Gaga, who stripped down, literally, to 4 different outfits as she werked the carpet. No one will ever compare, so like don’t even try, ya know? Also, it’s her year so just let her do her thang.
Oh ho hum, Blake apparently hasn’t been photographed lately because here she is at Ry Ry’s premiere FULLY pregnant. I don’t understand how celebrities can do this, especially a giant one like Blake Lively married to another giant celebrity. You have paparazzi living inside of your butthole and you hid a pregnancy for several months?! If Jennifer Aniston eats a bowl of soup they zoom in on her stomach and say she’s expecting. Was Blake a shut-in? I must know every single detail. Also let’s not gloss over how amahzing she looks for the casual announcement. Rockin the big hair curls and they’re not even frizzy like mine are every. single. day. Spring has sprung and another beautiful child is on the way. SORPRESA!
2. Elvis Marries A Jonas.
I guess it’s just the week of surprises because Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas got SURPRISE married after the BBMA’s on Wednesday and as much as I razz on the JoBros, I dig this move. It’s so cool it hurts. Oh hey, we just performed at an awards show and our ladies got mad camera time, let’s all just roll over to the Elvis chapel down the strip with a select group of kewl kids and get married. Diplo instagram live’d the whole ceremony, they exchanged ring pops, Dan + Shay sang an acoustic version of Speechless as Sophie walked down the aisle. I mean come on. The only thing that would’ve made it cooler was if Taylor Swift was there but for obvious reasons (Joe dumped Taylor via text in like 2008) it was best that she wasn’t in attendance. Since Sophie’s cultivated such a cool girl persona I’m surprised she didn’t take a knee and chug wine at the end of the aisle but I guess they wanted to keep it classy. I would go on a tangent about how hilarious it is that Nick and Priyanka had a 10 year long castle wedding that was beyond extravagant and these two bozos just casually got married by Elvis and had their pics taken with a pink car in the chapel BUT turns out they only got married so that they can proceed with their originally planned France wedding. If you’re not a citizen of France turns out you can’t get legally married there so that’s why they got that part out of the way here, so they can now proceed to be rich and lavish and probably throw a huge France castle wedding after all. Either way, if I had to pick a favorite Jonas couple to ship, it would be these two. I can get down with anyone whose like F it let’s just do something fun. Also because I’m jelly and wish I were in the cool kids group.
Not gonna lie…. I may or may not have broken down in tears after the show from pain š¬ BUT thanks 2 all the amazing people @ Cedars-Sinai I flew home directly after the event, nailed the surgery early this morning, & feeling awesome now! Bye bye appendix š¤£ #TheShowMustGoOn šš¼āāļø https://t.co/eL9HoVlSiM
While Joe and Sophie were getting hitched on Insta Live, Kelly Clarkson was having her appendix removed. Turns out girl had appendicitis all week and still hosted an entire awards show and performed twice. Just her medley at the beginning alone where she was bopping through the crowd and up on stage, HOW DOES ONE DO THAT?! If I may compare this to a personal story of mine, one time in first grade I fell ice skating and fractured my wrist and then didn’t say anything about it, played with my friend as usual and when my mom picked me up that night I sobbed. Ended up in a pink cast (that I 100% saved. I’m disgusting, come at me) and just those 3 or 4 hours of pain were traumatizing. Now imagine singing, dancing and performing for thousands of people all while your insides are bursting. AND NOT EVEN ONCE COMPLAINING ABOUT IT?! God, Kelly Clarkson is a true American hero.
4a. New Tune.
Shout out to my sister for alerting me to this little diddy. As always with Shawn, it’s the perfect pop tune and y’all should feast your ears on it. Full disclosure I didn’t watch the video because I was already late to work today and I felt that it would be frowned upon to then immediately sit down and stare at Shawn Mendes for 3 minutes and 11 seconds but I feel like it’s probably great as well. Mostly because I’m just an all around music video stan. And black and white makes everything classier/more dramats.
4b. Old Tune, New Obsession.
I’ve really embraced Lizzo this week. Mostly because I kept hearing people say they were 100% THAT bitch and I wanted to head straight to the source and see what THAT bitch was all about. It turns out she’s about shaking her LARGE body all over the joint and declaring that she don’t need no man to be happy, booboooooo. AND I AM HERE FOR IT. I LOVE IT. I love the fact that she’s sassy as all hell and just puts out feel good bops. I listened to her Youtube playlist for a day at work and I was ready to kick my chair over, do a quick dance number where I OBVIOUSLY drop it low and snap my fingers before stomping outta here.
I mean damn. I want her confidence. ALL of it. It’s like when Fat Amy rubs her butt confidence all over Becca in Pitch Perfect 2. I’m hoping that the more I twerk to some Lizzo, the more butt confidence will rub off on me. BRING IT, GURL.
(Full disclosure I came home that night and played 2 videos for the boyf and tried to copy all her dance moves and sing along, it was a performance that should’ve been filmed for entertainment value but unfortunately wasn’t and you’ll just have to use your imagination. He was less than enthused. Apparently Lizzo might just be for the ladiezzzzz. #GRLPOWER)
Gentlemen, goodnight. Ladies, good morning. Here’s a v. chiseled nude of Channing Tatum that no guy will ever appreciate, and every lady will. Apparently he “lost a bet” and his girlfriend’s v. personal pic of him all wet and naked just “had to be posted.” Ya ok, Chan. Whatever helps you sleep at night. All I can say is thank you for sharing this with the world.
Don’t ever remember them plopping the Billboards on a random Wednesday night but they couldn’t pull one over one me! I still unfortunately watched 99% of this trainwreck. It was all downhill after Tay and Brendon rode over the crowd on a parasol (which was BOSS.) I don’t know if it was the chicken or the egg, but Tay’s video had a million ladies in pastel pantsuits and the theme for last night’s red carpet was lady blazers. Hollywood really taking a biz profesh approach to the awards scene. As it turns out, I’m here for it.
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I’m sorry, but is this a bullet proof vest? Is this a fashion statement or necessary?
There’s no sight that compares to fresh post-baby abs. What a treat for the ole peepers. Also fun fact that I noticed when Cardi accepted an award last night–her boobs don’t even remotely move. Hard as rocks.
Honestly Ciara’s son deserves to be on the best dressed because he looks like a baller in his DJ Khaled sweatsuit. Take notes, Khaled, matching separates looks cute on kids, not on overweight grown men. Ciara is throwing me too much boob/leg/navel to get on board with this look.
Was Diplo coming after Post Malone and his gay cowboy aesthetic or did he genuinely think he looked great? We may never know.
I get real heated every time Halsey hits the red carpet because she’s so pretty and she ruins that by dressing like a walking trashcan. You don’t need to wear lingerie made out of blue trash bags with purple lipstick, gurl. Go makeup free and slide on an LBD. Thank me later.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?! This guy was HONORED with my #1 spot for ranking MK & A’s movie boyfriends (read it here) and he repays me by wearing THIS?! One cannot even classify this as a Hawaiin shirt. It’s TOO ugly to be a Hawaiian shirt. Get out of my face, James from Winning London.
Kind of a bold choice for the oldest and least relevant Jonas to go shirtless under his suit jacket. Something I never needed to see. Also three grown men coordinating their plaid 80’s suits.
JUST COME IN YOUR UNDERWEAR NEXT TIME, JULES. Why not give junderwear a spin?
Oh, hello Grandpa.
Not into this racing suit with vines all over it.
What sane person would combine these colors. Marigold and Christmas tree green. WUT. Clean it up, Tor.
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You’ll notice that pretty much anyone who wore something sparkly hit the best dressed. It’s Vegas and it would be wrong NOT to wear sparkles.
Brendon is really riding the Taylor train. The audience camera panned to him no less than 1000 times during the show. It’s a good thing he was wearing such a great outfit. I dig the Gold accent.
Sparkly and fun, red lip, yes plzzzz!
I’m gonna be honest I got distracted by the legs.
Whole FGL clan on point, right down to their color coordination. They really cleaned up their act from the days when they dressed like Kid Rock.
Gronk basically hosted the awards last night with the amount of screen time that goober had. He’s wearing dad shoes but overlooking that part, him and Camille are killin it.
JHuddddddd get ittttttttttttt.
Dress is just whatevs but I have a lady boner for those shoes.
It’s unfortunate that these three posed together because I would say Beanie and Olivia look meh, and I’m really just into the silver suit on the left.
I feel like I haven’t seen Paula since OG Idol days and she looks fab city. Keep up the great work, and I mean work literally because there’s no way her face naturally looks like that.
The newest Jonas outshined the bros by far. She was even rewarded with a mid-performance smooch.
SNAKESKIN. SUIT. WITH SPARKLES. That is all.
Could do without all the ruffles but purple is my favorite color and it’s hard to hate when those stems are struttin all over the joint.
There’s never been a time when Taylor Swift hasn’t released new music and/or video that I haven’t immediately blogged about it, so here we are. Happy Tay DAY….again! Can we just start by bowing down to her marketing genius? Because anyone who drops clues for a release date like a year in advance and then commissions an artist to paint a freakin’ wall in Nashville with even more clues and then just rolls up and people are already waiting there for her?! MASTERMIND. That’s like some if you build it, they will come shit. How the hell did anyone see butterfly wings on a wall in Nashville and think, if I wait here Taylor Swift will show up? The same weirdos who wrote countless in depth theories about the hidden message in every Instagram post for the past year.
Since I’m much lazier, but just as thirsty as her super stans, I blindly tuned into ABC last night at 8, not realizing it was the NFL Draft. What fresh hell is that, Taylor? I’m not spending 3 1/2 hours watching football garbage just for you to drop a morsel every few commercial breaks. I finally turned it off after she bounced that pink dipped ponytail onstage and was like TEASER LOLOLOL. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’ve got a hard out at 10pm every single night, so I resigned to just wait until the morning. I did manage to learn before bed that her special guest on the song was Panic! At the Disco’s lead singer and I was nervous as hell because I’ve never loved his voice and have mostly associated it with closing the G-D door. Now here we are, 6:15 AM watching this masterpiece before getting ready for the day and BOY DO I FEEL JAZZED TO TAKE ON FRIDAY.
Let’s get this out of the way real quick–could’ve done all the way without a random dramatic french scene at the beginning. And the spelling breakdown in the middle. But that’s just Taylor and of course she has to throw her talking and dramatics in every song and I’ve just come to accept it rather than fight it. Other than that, I was captivated by this video from start to finish. I felt like I was high on pastels and unicorns and I was perfectly content with it. For a fleeting moment I considered also getting pink hair. But the moment has passed. Mostly because I have brown hair and pink and brown is gross. I’d end up looking like Ann Perkins when she went through her sad breakup phase in Parks and Rec.
Woof. But I digress. Here are my favorite looks from the video:
HELLO TAYLOR’S BOOBS! Seriously she really started off with a bang in this number, poppin that cleavage like nobody’s biz.
Once again skating over the fact that all she needs to make her happy is a cat (replace it with a puppy), this dress and her mermaid waves are a real dreamscape. Also loved the quick lyrical shout out to “Mine”. One of my favorite TSwizzle songs and videos mostly because she pretends to be a mom to 2 kids in it and looks like she’s 16. Gr8 mems.
I mean who doesn’t love a his and hers mint marching band getup?! Also it would be wrong of me not to point out how phenomenal her legs look in this.
HONORABLE MENTION SCENES:
1. BUTTERFLIES. The snake turning into butterflies. I mean what is Taylor if she doesn’t have her metaphors and symbolism. The fact that she marks every album with a symbol and then brings it into the next era, again, marketing genius. Glad the snake is gone, honestly could’ve gotten down with something other than butterflies as they give me HARD flashbacks to when they were the logo for Aeropastale and printed on every piece of their clothing. But whatevs.
2. HEART ON. The scene where Brandon opens a door to his heart and we dive right in?! WHOA. Literally I have no other words. That was cool as hell.
3. PAINT STORM. I pretty much watched the last scene with my mouth open and drool coming out (normal for me anyway since I have a drooling problem) because I was so fascinated by all of the colors and a liquid dress. What a lovely finale for a pastel explosion of a video. Never thought I’d be on board with a Lisa Frank inspired aesthetic at 27 but here we are and there’s no turning back.
Also the song bangs. It’s catchy AF, Brandon was the perfect duet partner for it–although sucks for him because Tay is definitely taking all the glory here and “from Panic At the Disco” follows his name everywhere–but either way, I’ll be bumping this all weekend thinking of unicorns hearts and rainbows.
I guess it’s Earth Day soon. How did I know? A cartoon Lil Dicky informed me while still making an effort to relate it directly back to his dick and balls. What a guy. No, seriously what just happened with this. I watched the whole thing in shock. How does he come up with this shit and how is he allowed to say it’s his song when he was in it for about 30 seconds. The cameos, however, are genius. The best part about this claymation freakfest was trying to guess what famous person was which animal the minute they opened their mouth. I nailed it with Ariana, Halsey, Ed & Snoop. BTW, Ed as a snuggly koala bear? Yes, please. What a perfect casting. Also I legitimately was like I wonder how much they had to pay Leonardo Dicaprio just to use his name and create a character that looks like him then when I saw it was ACTUALLY him?! Whoa baby. Leo used to be so cool that when JLo texted him during her carpool karaoke he made booboo a thing again. Now he’s in this? Must be really desp for his environmental cause. Save the earth, bruhs. Why? Because a rapper told you to.
2. Taylor Goes Pastel.
Remember when I got all hot and bothered for new Taylor music and fed into her crazy ass superfan theories and ended up with EGG ON MY FACE AND AN I ā¤ TS SHIRT ON FOR NO REASON?! If you missed that, read my salivation hereĀ and peep my merch below:
Well now it’s the real deal. She’s given us thirsty bitches a date and it is 4.26. She’s also given us a theme and my immediate reaction was no thanks. If we’re going to be waiting with baited breath for new jams after your BADAZZ EMO F THE WORLD comeback with Reputation complete with Snakes, we deserve more than tacky pastel colored heart shaped jewels. Then she posted the picture of the mint bike and it was GAME ON. EVERYONE knows I’m basically a European with the amount of biking that I do. If she’s going to deliver me a new tune to cruise around town to once I dust the ole wheels off for spring then SIGN ME UP. Stay tuned for full review when her single makes the debut.
3. N*SYNC Does Coachella.
It’s that time of year again where LA people pretend they’re into being outdoors and listening to live music but really what they’re into is wearing hippie chic outfits and posting on Instagram. The biggest news to come out of this past weekend’s performances other than Beyonce just dropping a full recording of hers was America’s Sweetheart Ariana Grande pulling off an N*SYNC reunion. Although, can we really call it that without JT?
Props to Ari for continuing to dominate the world and learning the choreography to Tearin Up My Heart. Even though my main squeeze wasn’t there, I can still appreciate a good 90’s reunion. But also…
I try not to draw attention to the fact that Jess and Justin are like the ultimate cool guy couple because it turns me into a jelly belly. But like come on with this. We get it, you guys love each other and are v supportive. No need to cry via a public video when he’s basically sitting right next to you. Turn to him and say you’re proud of him. UGH BARFMANIA ya big attention whorebag.
5. PSA FOR MK&A STANS
I find it to be extremely unwell of us that every time these two crypt keepers attend an event and allow photos, we post 10 headlines about it. THE VAMPIRES ARE OUT OF THEIR CAVES! And no matter what year/season/occasion it is, they’re always wearing long black cloaks and terrified looks on their faces. WELCOME TO SUNLIGHT, GIRLS! But that wasn’t the point of this announcement although it did give me a nice morning laugh and some nightmare fuel. The PSA is that Hulu is finally getting on the damn MK&A nostalgia train and giving us some of their OG movies. Coming soon: Billboard Dad, Switching Goals and Passport to Paris. THANK GAWD. IT’S AN EASTER MIRACLE! If you need to brush up on which hotties to peep in their pre-teen movies, feel free to roll on over to my very well-researched and not at all creepy blog ranking their movie boyfs right HERE. HAPPY WATCHING!
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve forced a weird / random playlist down your throats and I think it’s about damn time we revisit this faaabulous Salty Ju feature. Mostly because I’ve gone back to the gym–if we classify going back to the gym as my annual realization that my pants are suddenly too tight after seasonal depression binge eating, jorts szn is quickly approaching, I should probably get my $10 a month worth of Planet Fitness and also give myself an excuse to buy some new jazzy workout leggings to flex how good I look in athleisure. EITHER WAY, I’ve needed some bangerz to keep me at the gym for more than 15 minutes every few nights and to drown out people like the lady who announced loudly that she goes to the gym twice a day-morning and night.
Anyway, I spent a whole day of work going through my entire iTunes lib trying to pull songs that I hadn’t heard in a long time that were fast paced. I ended up with a 3 hour playlist. Don’t you even worry, I’ve narrowed it down to bless your ears with only the best of the best. If working out isn’t your thing, I respect that. Pop this bitch on when you’re looking to feel pumped up for anything in life. Going out? Want to have an at home dance party? Get jazzed for a road trip? I gotchu.
The Greatest Show – Cast.Ā This song should kick off every playlist going forward.Ā No joke I wish I was still in college when it came out because it would make a GR8 pregame jam. How can you not instantly be in a great mood when you hear the stomp stomp WHOA-OHH-OH-OHHHHH? I had it as my morning alarm for a while and I shot out of bed ready to take on the day. Also terrified because that’s kind of a jarring way to be pulled out of a deep slumber but I DON’T CARE. GIMME ALL THE CLAP BREAKS. Also the song basically becomes a whole new song when Zac Efron pipes up so 2 for 1 special, you’re welcome.
Stronger – Britney Spears. Let a little OG Britney up in ya ears. I feel like this one sneaks under the radar. Obviously Brit’s school girl uniform and latex red body suit stand out in your memory but let’s not forget how she made a metal chair look sexy in this music video. Chair dance Britney paved the way for snake Slave 4 U Britney and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.
It’s Still Rock And Roll To Me – Billy Joel. They don’t call him the hitmaker for nothin, folks. Even his sad piano jams put me in a good mood because he’s such a legend. Just selling out stadiums on the reg, tickling the ole ivories. Whatta life.
I Drove All Night -Celine Dion.Ā Even though I can crush It’s All Coming Back to Me Now even better than Celine probably can–I’m talking high notes & passion only, I will literally never get the lyrics down–I can still appreciate Celine’s other bangerz. This one has a powerful message. Celine wanted some, so she drove through the night to get it. And because she’s still a lady, she was like is that alright? OF COURSE IT’S ALRIGHT, GURL. GET AFTER IT.
Days Go By – Keith Urban.Ā Lucky for Keith he has the perfect mix between rock and country because he shreds the guitar, so he basically only puts out fun songs. It was very difficult to choose just one of his so I went with a classic that never gets old. The original version of YOLO, if you will. YA BETTER START LIVIN RIGHT NOW.
Get Buck In Here – DJ Felli Fel Ft. Lil Jon, Ludacris, Diddy & Akon.Ā Look, let’s not beat around the bush here, I’m white. Not like white but can still hang and has a little flavor, like cream cheese white. I look like a real nerdbomber when I try to rap along to songs but you know what? That sure doesn’t stop me from trying. I’ve realized that Luda is essentially the only rapper I can keep up with and I’ve latched onto that real hard. This is where I shine. Right here. I’m like Emma Stone rapping to All I Do Is Win when Get Buck In Here comes on. Plus, like, any song about too much booty speaks to me on a whole other level.
Fighter – Christina Aguilera.Ā Not only did I have a pretty badass dance to this song in middle school for my hip hop class (if you’d like to see my equally as badass camo costume, clickĀ here) but also it’s a pretty underrated Xtina song. When it came on the other night I had to physically stop myself from tossing out some Aguilera hands and belting out the riffs. Trying to make fun of the weirdos at the gym, not BE one, amirite?! But if you’re listening to this in the car and you’re not doing Ag-hands then turn it off because you’re not doing it right.
No Church In the Wild – Jay-Z Ft. Kanye West & Frank Ocean.Ā The beat on this song makes me want to get up and move regardless of if I look like a moron. Plus it was used to show total debauchery in The Great Gatsby, which allows me to remind everyone of a time when I called everyone old sport after that movie came out and I thought it was hilarious. Great times all around, Old Sport. Lastly, I’ve always wanted to post a picture captioned “Sunglasses and Advil. Last night was mad real.” But unfortunately I’m not Kanye West doing lines off of a girl’s skin so it has never been truly justified. Maybe this summer will get crazy. Who knows, Old Sport. Who knows.
Chasin’ After You – O-Town.Ā Always weary of a boy band comeback, I was pleasantly surprised by this one ESPECIALLY since they ditched their star power, Ashley Parker Angel. Remember that baby face with spiky blonde hair? I gasped when I found out. How could they possibly proceed without him? Well turns out all you really need is a good pop song and it doesn’t really matter who is singing it because I couldn’t name one current member of O-Town if I had to.
Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen.Ā Queen’s on a real hot streak lately ever since the movie that Rami Malek won an Oscar for and didn’t even thank Freddie Mercury, WHO HE PORTRAYED. I’m happy to join the bandwagon. I think I forgot how many Queen songs I knew until I saw the movie and I immediately started cycling their beats back into my regular play. SING IT TO ME, FREDDIE!
Ā …Ready For It – Taylor Swift.Ā There was no way we were gonna sneak outta here without some TayTay and I hope that I’ve chosen correctly. Just kidding I know that I have because I’ve spent the past year going ARE YOU READY FOR IT in a dumb voice every time I want someone to get pumped up for something. You’re welcome, everyone around me.
Till I Collapse – Eminem & Nate Dogg.Ā I was told by a trustworthy source that a pump up jams playlist CANNOT exist without Till I Collapse. So even though the ONLY words I know in this song are the actual title, I’m very willing to toss around some rapper hands and nod my head intensely as Em & Nate Dogg do their thang.
Breathing – Yellowcard.Ā My emo side peeking in here, I’ve already previously declared my love for Yellowcard and any punk rock band that dares to toss a violinist in the mix. Even though I wore out their concert dvd (lost it), I still need a good head bang every once in a while and Breathing is just the trick.
Get Another Boyfriend – Backstreet Boys.Ā I feel a little guilty that there’s no N*SYNC on this playlist but if we’re being honest, BSB always had a little more street cred and that’s what we needed here. A rough and rowdy tune about a girl being a dumbass.
We Run This – Missy Elliott.Ā Remember the classic flick Stick It about gymnastics? I was obsessed with it in high school. I quoted it preeeetttyy regularly and wanted to dabble in gymnastics just because the lead actress made it look so kewl. This song was featured in the movie and it just makes you want to do a front handspring into a back flip into a split leap then stick the landing. Ya know? For realz though, I used to rock the shit out of a cartwheel and I literally can’t even attempt one without breaking both arms clean off of my body anymore. Same with a back bend. I encourage you to have a glass of wine or two on a Friday night and attempt to do a back bend/bridge on your living room carpet. My family all individually tried this feat and it ended with my mom peeing her pants from laughing so hard. Quality entertainment. Spoiler Alert: *bridges only work if you can lift your own body weight clear off the ground through core strength* Tough stuff, lesson learned.
Sucker – Jonas Brothers.Ā HEYYOOOOO gotta include the JoBro’s comeback. Not because I was ever a JoBro stan but because it’s catchy as hell. I already blogged specifically about this song and their complete destruction of the curly-headed virgins, so no need to be redundant. See my thoughts HERE.
Nice For What – Drake.Ā I don’t have one single clue what these lyrics are. I somewhat gathered that it’s about ladies and female empowerment?! Mostly because the video featured a bunch of famous lady actresses. Also we’re going to gloss right over the fact that Tiffany Haddish, America’s MOST annoying voice (it’s no contest, don’t even try to debate me on this) is featured because this beat is infectious and makes me want to groove like nobody’s biz. Shout out to Lauryn Hill on that one. #Feminism.
Still Into You – Paramore.Ā Another dip into the world where I stacked up my Claire’s rubber bracelets and posed for pics with my dad’s tie over a white beater. Hayley Williams is a classic punk rock chick with neon hair and I LOVE HER! That’s all folks. It’s just a funky song about liking someone a lot.
The Way You Make Me Feel – Michael Jackson. As you’ve come to expect, we only end on high notes here in Salty Ju playlist land. In the dance movie montage blog that I previously linked to for Christina Aguilera’s Fighter, you’ll notice that my top movie is Center Stage and this song is in their final dance which is BOSS. Seriously, if you haven’t seen this dance scene yet, you don’t even need to watch the movie just google it. It’s bananas. I digress, listening to this feel good MJ jam is all you need to feel like you too could become a professional dancer jiving around while a choreographer from the wrong side of the tracks rides his Harley onstage to pick you up. Basic stuff.
The Salty Ju 