Country, JUice, Music, Pop Culture, Television

Weekly JUice

1. Jimmy Fallon and wife Nancy welcome their second daughter. Surprise! Since their first daughter Winnie is adorbsies (a rare thing you’ll hear me say), I have high hopes for baby #2 except for the fact that they named her Frances Cole. Frances.Fallon. WHYYY?! I look forward to cute pics of the two girls dressed up in something fluffy and posing with Gary, the lovable Fallon pup. I act like Jimmy and I are best friends because I watch the Tonight Show…doesn’t everyone? Next up: fingers crossed for another JT appearance. It’s been almost a year and its unnacceptable. (that was completely unrelated to Jimmy having another baby, but it needed to be said.)

2. Jake Owen cut his signature long locks. Famous for bro country songs like Barefoot Blue Jean Night, Beachin, and Days of Gold, Jake is the epitome of surfer brah. Welp he no longer looks the part. He buzzed…and I’m not saying I supported his long hair wholeheartedly, but I grew to love that mom haircut of his and now I just don’t know what to think. I need a good front angle pic STAT to decide.

3. Blake Lively stepped out again on the red carpet with FLAWLESS maternity fashion. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that Blake is the hottest pregnant woman alive, just nailing it lately. (That statement is only sorta biased, everyone knows Blake is my #1 girl crush) This week she sported this tight black backless gown:

Let’s not forget the yellow gown from about a month ago:

BAM. Lotta pressure for this baby to be the most beautiful creature on this earth.

4. Jana Kramer (formerly of One Tree Hill as Alex Dupre) now known for the woman who gets engaged every few months. You guessed it! Jana is engaged again, for the 4th time! Michael Caussin, NFL tight end (free agent) proposed a few days ago on Jana’s 31st birthday. They’ve been dating since August. If you’d like a brief recap, Jana was married in 2004 (divorced several months later), then again in 2009 to the actor famously known for the “I quit” scene in That Thing You Do (divorced 1 month later), most recently Jana was engaged to Brantley Gilbert, the trashiest of country singers, usually seen on red carpets wearing a bejeweled cross tee and black hat covering his eyes. They didn’t make it to the altar and broke off the engagement several months later. And here we are. Jana released her first single in a while over the summer that she has hashtagged to death called Love in which she sings “I still believe in wedding rings and bibles, I still believe the best walk you’ll ever take is walking down the aisle.” Well, girl would know…she’s an expert by now! (This may seem like a low blow but try following someone on social media who posts her own lyrics from one song for 6 months straight and then you might understand.)

5. Aaron Carter continues to prove that he’s still obsessed with Hilary Duff and would like a second shot now that she’s single and he’s a washed up teen singer looking for a comeback and touring the country at 10 bucks a ticket. In the event that you weren’t a Disney tween like myself, Aaron Carter and Hilary Duff dated on and off from 2001-2003 until Lindsay Lohan got in the mix and Hil was like SEE YA. You’re better than that, Hil, good call. When Hil separated from her NFL hubbie Mike Comrie last year, Aaron tweeted his support with some not so subtle hints that she’s the love of his life and he’s gonna get her back. YIKES bro let it go. Well he hasn’t. He instagrammed this photo this week showing him pining over his teenage love by watching their teenage cheesy Christmas movie. Here’s hoping that Double A moves on soon and uses 2015 to pen some more jams like “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” and “That’s How I Beat Shaq”. BOOM. BOOM. I put it in the hoop like SLAM. SLAM.

The comments are lawlworthy

Ah young love.

And just to get you revved for the weekend:

You’re welcome.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Two Sides to Every Story”

I hope that everyone had a nice break from Nashville and had some time to reflect on why we still watch this show. Yet here we are coming back for more in hopes of a new song to cancel out a full scene of Juliette riding a handicapped scooter with a scarf covering her face. I’m pleased to announce that this week we got one. We finally got a quality song! But more on that later…Let’s begin with our side piece this week that may soon grow into a character with an interesting story line…Sadie Stone. The writers realized that throwing in a dumb text from an ex was not the story we deserved from Sadie and decided instead to enter her into the bang triangle of Avery and Gunnar, like many (every single) a Nashville beauty before. It’s perfect timing really, Zoey has just exited, Gunnar is looking for some rebound lovin (and a mom for his kid…who unfortunately is still around). Avery is still doing the do-si-do with deciding if he’s gong to re-up with Juliette and let’s be real, she’s only getting bigger and crazier by the minute. Sadie sits down to co-write with Gunnar and he tries to lay it on thick for her, we all know Gunnar does his best flirting while song writing, but instead of ending in a hookup it ends in Sadie offering for her manager to show up to one of Gunnar’s band’s (that is currently dunzo) gigs so long as Gunnar can find a producer for Sadie’s record. And just like that, Avery is entered into the mix, meeting with Sadie at the band’s gig and trying to charm is way into her pants—sorry—recording studio.

Since all of the young’ns on Nashville are tied because they’ve all porked each other at some point, crazypants Juliette gets involved because she overheard all this going down and was like hey this is around the time when I can blame everything I do on pregnancy hormones. She grabs that wet blanket of an assistant/friend and starts tailing Avery to see if he’s moving on. Of course, we all remember too vividly that this is when the aforementioned motorized scooter slapstick comedy of Juliette wearing a scarf on her head and taking down a tent at the music festival occurs. Avery catches her spying because WHO WOULDN’T SPOT HER?! It’s like looking for the Loch-ness Monster on land. They have a little conflict where Avery pulls the “I’m trying to provide for our child and you blew it!” card, shaming Juliette into sitting down with Sadie and selling Avery for the producer job. Juliette promises not to be a jelly belly (can we get that in writing?), Sadie agrees, and we take another step forward with Juliette and Avery getting back together. Except now we have Sadie who will be working with Avery closely on her album…hmmm….

At the same music festival where gangster Juliette was joy riding at speeds of 1 mph, Layla and Will decide to attend wearing “disguises”. Layla declares at the beginning of the episode, “I’m tired of us.” Me too, Layla, me too…you walked right into that one really. Apparently her and I have different solutions for how to not be tired of them–I would assume that means they leave the show, they decided instead to wear hipster beanies and sunglasses to the music festival deeming them TOTALLY anonymous. This will go great until Will inevitably looks for a penetration buddy…and it took just about no time for that to occur. Will sees that a bartender is gay and turns into an after school special asking him what it’s like to be gay. Obviously a confused and closeted Will sees this as flirting and then gets sloppy drunk and tries to kiss the bartender later, ending in some dramatics and oh wait he’s still in the closet and we’ve seen the same story line with him for 2 seasons now. Our other half of the reality couple has decided to play kumbaya on the floor of a tent without the sunglasses, but no one recognizes her so it’s, okay…except of course for Jeff Fordham who is surprised that she’s good! It’s okay Jeff, pretty much everyone is. Jeff starts being nice to Layla and I think I speak for everyone when I say there’s absolutely a catch here, we just don’t know what it is yet. The fact that we don’t know is reason enough to celebrate because we’ve finally gotten an unpredictable story line, predictable in the sense that we know Jeff will screw Layla over, unpredictable in that we don’t know how. He continues to slobber all over her with that slimy snake grin of his, even playing the guitar for her, no singing though. Tease. Obviously Layla falls for this hook, line and sinker, mostly because she’s having a conversation with someone who hasn’t brought up how dumb she is once, so she sleeps with him of course.

While Layla is convinced that the grimiest guy in the music biz has changed, Zoey is still trying to claw her way to a record deal or any sort of recognition for anything that she does….she’d settle for just a purpose for being on this show. Gunnar puts the band back together to impress Sadie’s manager, who tells them they could be the next Lady A and Zoey hears this and you can actually see her start to drool. While she’s planning the fame, money and touring in her mind, she realizes that Gunnar isn’t as into it and he confesses he put the band back together so that he can trick her into being stepmommy Zoey again. Yikes. Zoey storms off and declares to Scarlett that she’s no longer wanted here (HOW DID IT TAKE THIS LONG FOR HER TO REALIZE?!)

Scarlett is pretty preoccupied because she has become homeless Terry’s manager, essentially, although she acts like more of a stage mom. She books a performance for him and then forces him into interviews and when he gets onstage we all wait for his breakdown, and boy does he deliver. Although it’s no Scarlett 2.0 cowering under a piano and screeching, it’s still weird. Terry runs through the crowd covering his face and hits the streets again, brown baggin it with his fellow homeless squad. Scarlett goes after him and he basically tells her everything we’ve all been thinking. Stop being a pussy bitch and get back on the stage to perform again. Fired up from Terry’s boozey words, and also realizing that Zoey peaced on the band, Scarlett slinks her way right in and Gunnar, Scarlett and Avery perform the song of the night! Besides the cheesetastic pans to Micah in the crowd singing along to his dad’s songs, this performance is the stuff. They ARE the next Lady A singing a song called “Borrow My Heart”, the crowd’s into it, and I couldn’t wait to see Zoey’s reaction. You’ve officially been erased from Nashville, gurl, baiiiiiii. The manager calls Gunnar after this sasstastic performance and twists the knife deeper saying that the band is even better with Scarlett. Oooh Burn. Zing. Zoey. Gunnar turns down the manager’s offer for that stupid kid who will now ruin the rest of his music career forever. Whatever, I got a taste of a good song and now all we can hope for is a Scarlett/Gunnar song in the near future now that Zoey is outta here. Good riddance.

And finally, separate from the music festival that everyone who’s anyone is at (we separate the olds from the youngs this week), it’s Christmas special time at Rayna’s (while Deacon sits in his house listening to Alanis Morisette with the lights out.) Hollywood has taken over Rayna’s house with their over the top Christmas decorations because girl will literally do anything for press now. The Rolling Stone mag comes out and Rayna puts on a show pretending that she didn’t say things the way they printed it, hey Rayna cut the shit, we all saw you sell your sexy Deacon story to cover up the mess of incest that is occurring with your sullen teenage daughter. She tries to catch Deacon before he gets his eyes on that tell-all but whoops too late, Deacon’s already read it 10 times and stained the pages with his tears and he’s avoiding her calls. Luke’s like hey Rayna why are you so obsessed with Deacon and this story and also would you like to shower with me? Rayna says a hard no. And we’re all like, hey Luke, it’s about time you clue in that you’re wedding will not ever actually happen and Rayna would rather have sex with Deacon. Rayna finally gets a chance to go to Deacon’s house and talk to him, giving us all false hope that she’ll slide right back into his arms but instead he declares his undying love for her and she tells him to move on because she CLEARLY has. Oh, have you, Rayna? Meanwhile, she complains the whole episode about how the cameras are always around and her family traditions are ruined and Luke reminds her that she did all this greedy shit to get more famous….Catch 22. #celebrityproblems. That pretty much sums up our time with Rayna/Deacon/Luke this week. Oh yeah, and Deacon tears a sticker of Rayna off his guitar case. It’s like ripping a band aid off–he’s over her now. Just kidding, he’s still obsessed with her and wanted to be dramats.

Random Highlights:

-Lexi, the PA, asking Rayna for an autograph and also assuring that she never works in Hollywood again. Props to Rayna for doing exactly what any celeb would do in that situation though, “what’s your name again?”

-Rayna wears a stupid lacey pirate shirt for far longer than my eyes can handle in this episode.

-Scarlett is probably the ugliest cryer on this earth. Her crying is uglier than Kim Kardashian and that says everything.

-Ruke/Layna compare themselves to Johnny and June and then do a hideously awkward and cringeworthy rendition of Baby It’s Cold Outside with a slew of pre-song banter that gave me all the uncomfies. I’ve never wanted to unsee or unhear something any harder. But Happy Holidays, Ya’ll!

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Pay Attention to Me!”

I missed the first 20 mins of last night’s episode, but I can ALMOST guarantee that I missed everyone (the couples) going to a dinner together and chatting about how they found their hubbies, Kyle reveals she was engaged to an old geezer when she met Mauricio, Rinna saying she snatched Harry post-Nicolette Sheridan dumping, Lisa probably saying something catty. Portia trying on bikinis and demanding designer duds that Mauricio didn’t skip a beat to purchase for her, and Yolanda and her daughter Bella talking about nail polish. Was I close? Please feel free to let me know in the comments below if I left anything out.

We get to see some sisterly interaction in last night’s episode, which does nothing to warm my heart but is entertaining to say the least. Kim’s daughter Brooke is getting married and all the sisters Richards gather for wedding dress shopping. Kyle suggests that Kim try on a few dresses as a gag before being told that it’s Brooke’s day…oh yeah, Kyle agrees and slinks away to steal the attention from someone else. Suddenly everyone is silenced at the arrival of Kathy Hilton, who struts in oozing fame and fortune. Kyle and Kim cower in the corner as Kathy immediately barks out that the dress Brooke has on is hideous and to take it off immediately. I’m so gleefully thankful that every season they max out the budget for one episode to pay Kathy Hilton to make an appearance. It’s worth it every time. I’m floored that they don’t make any mention of Paris or Nicky for extra thirsty ratings like they usually do. Things take a heavier turn when Kim talks about her first husband, Brooke’s dad, who has several types of cancer currently and is living with Kim. Her sisters act like this is the first time they’ve heard of this, so we’re all convinced that they’re super close. Lots of tears from Kim and then Kyle says something condescending about how she always thinks of Kim as fragile but is shocked to see she’s actually strong sometimes. The backhanded compliments for Kim are never-ending and always appreciated. And that concludes our sisters Richards reunion for this season. It was everything I had hoped and dreamed.

We get to watch Yolanda dye her hair a gleaming shade of white, and talk about her impending vacation/trip home to Holland to take care of her mother who has uterine cancer. Real heavy episode, lots of tears and I’m not into it. Although if we’re being honest when Yolanda goes on and on about how important family is and then goes back and forth between talking about being on yachts in bikinis and going to take care of her ailing mother, I’m a little fuzzy on the deets of why she is actually traveling there. Then she kicks it with her maid Blanca because apparently we’ve now signed up to watch Real Maids of Beverly Hills after a third week in a row of a maid story line…I’m guessing they’ve become an integral part of this show just to prove that the housewives give them ample vacation days and treat them well? In our bonus scene this week Yolanda shares with us candidly that she ALSO always flies private. How about this, let’s go ahead and assume that everyone in this cast flies private except for Brandi, k, Bravo? That way we can avoid any further scenes about the details of their private jets. Yo sleeping on a California king, smothered in silk sheets on an airplane was pretty hilarious though.

FINALLY Eileen has arrived. Was it worth the three-episode wait? Nope. Rinna and Eileen gather for lunch and apparently have known each other since the 80’s because soap operas. They show a cheesy Days of Our Lives clip from forever ago where feathered hair was okay and they both had their original faces. Rinna compliments Eileen on getting an Emmy and Eileen humble brags about how she can’t keep track of where her Emmy actually is right now. Eileen does some contrived performance in her talking head segment about how actresses get a bad rep for wanting all the attention but she doesn’t? Or something…The amount of times that each utter some cliché that they haven’t seen each other in forever means that they were brought together just for this show. Do better at hiding the staging, producers. Geeze.

Brandi is wearing a winter hat in California in the summer and picks up Kyle to go hiking. We are treated to some flashbacks to drunk Brandi days-YAASSSSS. This week’s installment of “I’m a whale who will never be able to wear a bikini” is brought to you by Kyle and Brandi exercising and seeing who can out-fat each other. They talk about Lisa, and Kyle makes a lot of faces. Brandi decides to call her on speakerphone mean girls style and this will OBVIOUSLY go well. Lisa pretends she doesn’t have caller ID on her probably brand new iphone and acts the most surprised to hear that it’s Brandi. Brandi plays it casj cool and is all, “hey you coming to my house warming party before I inevitably move again?” Lisa demands an apology, obviously…and I reeeally hate to do it but I have to actually side with her on this one because Brandi isn’t really approaching this in a fab or mature way. Brandi continues to have a who gives a fahk attitude and tells Lisa “If you want to be friends, fine, but I’m not going to kiss your ass.” Divine intervention causes Brandi’s phone to die at this exact moment. Or did Lisa MAKE her phone die? We’ll never know…but Brandi makes an even dumber decision to snatch up Kyle’s phone and call her back to clear the air. This obviously opens up a whole other conflict and Lisa’s like hey screw you guys I’m having a lovely afternoon with my husband while he’s still able to walk and talk and I’m over this shit. Brandi clears it up that she didn’t actually hang up though…soo we good? No we’re not. The conversation ends with an “I hope to see you?” “Okay?” and it’s the most confusing resolution to a convo BUT leaves the window open to further continue to drag this stupid fight on for the rest of the season.

Random Highlights:

-All the cringes in the world every time we see Lisa as a talking head wearing an off the shoulder, emerald green, shiny ball gown that is basically showing her nipples. That’s SOMEBODY’S MOTHER.

-The ice queen’s ringtone is classical music. I can’t decide if this is fitting or a curveball.

-Rinna with the quote of the night, “I get high off of everything”. PLEASE make an episode where Rinna, Brandi and Kim eat pot brownies, Andy.

Pop Culture, Television

Laguna Beach Reunion

This past weekend was the Laguna High School 10 year reunion, so in honor of TEN YEARS (shit. I feel old. I assume they do too…) I made the executive decision to dedicate a whole post to the show and the people that we knew everything about and then suddenly never heard from again. Where are they now, you ask? For half of them…their only claim to fame was spring breaking in Mexico and getting a weekly mani/pedi to prep for the Friday night bonfire on the beach. Why not reminisce on those special moments with a breakdown of our favorite faces of Laguna. (Season 1-2 strictly…season 3 was an abomination to TV)

Morgan Olsen

Most Cringeworthy Moment: When she babbled on and on about how much she couldn’t wait to get the F out of Laguna and be an independent woman who was 1000x better than all those bimbos and rich whores who stay in Laguna forever and then only applied to one college (because it was her first choice) and was promptly rejected from said college. Could we have all glossed over it if she applied to other schools or maybe not opened her letter on camera? Yeah probably. But the fact that she ripped the whole town of Laguna to shreds and then had to insert her tail between her legs when she stayed there for an extra year made it her most memorable and cringeworthy moment in the ‘gune.

Most Noble Moment: When she goes to NYC with Christina and listens to her god awful singing voice and tells her she’s great. That was seriously admirable. What a great friend.

Today: She finally went to BYU, second time’s a charm, got married in 2010 and started cranking out babies right away. She was prob suuper excited to start banging once she was married. She runs a lifestyle blog (http://www.smithhereblog.com) with her hubs now.

Christina Schuller

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Briefly mentioned already but hands down has to be her audition for Rent/Wicked in NYC that she received as a birthday present from her parents. She was a raging bitch of nerves before she auditioned shutting Morgan down when she asked what she would do if she became a broadway star. We all learned why she was so nervous REAL quick. She went into the audition room and sang “Only Hope” by Mandy Moore via A Walk to Remember. The song choice was hilarious in itself because she plucked it from a Nicholas Sparks teen movie but the sounds that came out of her were even funnier. Props to whoever edited this scene and kept cutting to Morgan in the waiting room with a look of discomfort as well as the judge of the audition who was clearly entertaining this only for the cameras. The judge immediately shut her down and told her to keep working at it and to never bore her with a song that long again (I may be paraphrasing here) and Christina scampered out and never spoke of this incident again. Too bad it’s forever on DVD for me to watch and lawl at.

Most Noble Moment: When she big times LC and Lo, has her 18^th birthday party without them and still stands her ground even when she gets caught red-handed. It’s seriously baffling that Morgan and Christina are at all considered a part of the “cool group” in Laguna because they were a bunch of snoozy virgins who sang in church for story lines. It was clear that they weren’t cool early on and MTV started to phase them out, so apologies for having their notable moments from the same two episodes but it was really for the best that they appeared sparsely. Anyway, actual cool girls LC and Lo called Christina out for the non-invite and they had a bitch-off in the nail salon and it was super fake and uncomfy but I give her credit for holding her own here. Honorable mention: Gracefully opening her graduation gift and seeing that her parents got her a bible while everyone else got new cars, sound systems and laptops. She got to show off her Broadway chops acting like this present was gr8.

Today: Christina got married in 2011, also had a son 2 weeks apart from Morgan having one because they’re still BFFS who do everything together and runs a fitness website (http://www.beachbabefitness.com) where she can be seen giving workout tips like the one pictured below (downward facing baby?). The two Melvins have the exact same life naturally.

Talan Torriero

Most Cringeworthy Moment: When Lo & LC call him up to invite themselves over to his hot tub and he tells them how cool and chill they are and then asks them to give him some advice on how to get girls to like him. Cut the corny shit Talan, even Lo knew it was an act, keep getting bitches into your hot tub and you’ll be just fine/ Season 2 when he actually says “I compare you to other girls, but there’s no comparison…wow that’s like a line from a movie or something”. Yeah it is Talan, stop ripping off cheesy rom-coms to make Taylor or Kristin believe that you can’t get tail.

Most Noble Moment: Getting up onstage during the benefit concert and singing with his eyes closed the entire time. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that he probably kept his eyes shut because he didn’t want to see everyone laughing at him.

Today: Talan just got married this year so his playboy days are over and he works as a creative director for TMG Digital. Guess he gave up that acting thing…although he did try to date celebs for a while.

Trey Phillips

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Getting in a fight with an aggressive midget at the Blink 182 concert./When he would get preachy (mostly in the graduation video with badass nose ring film girl) about how the youth need to take care of their planet. It was great that he cared about something other than bejeweled trucker hats, but at the same time, read the room, Trey, you’re surrounded by people who think the show The OC was written about them. Thank God he got the F up outta there.

Most Noble Moment: Let’s be honest, pretty much everything that Trey did was noble. Founding AYA (Active Young America), organizing fashion shows and coffeehouses all for good causes? It’s everything that we loved about Trey Trey. While everyone else was worried about the drama, Trey was just running a fashion show for people who lost their homes in a landslide, no biggie. Honorable mention: his prom ask was by far the best out of all the creepy prom asks. Tea lights that spelled out Prom–Sound cheesy? Yeah..but let’s remember his competition was a big ass banner from Dieter, creepy stalker notes from Stephen and a guy named Gary putting an inconvenient amount of goldfish in Morgan’s room.

Today: After ‘Guna, Trey attended Parsons School of Design, started a non-profit “City Love” where people are encouraged to paint murals of what they love about their city, and is an associate designer for Vera Wang. He travels a lot and does cool shit and most importantly still finds time to bro out with Dieter, Stephen and LC.

Dieter Schmitz

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Ummmm I’m gonna go with his ENTIRE relationship with Jessica. How Jessica snagged a guy this good will always be beyond me, but all of their interactions were weird and I’m thankful he kicked her to the curb. Also there were some specific times (season 1) where his eyebrows were basically waxed into oblivion and that was pretty cringeworthy.

Most Noble Moment: Season 2, at the fashion show benefit when Jessica and Jason start macking and LC catches them, Dieter coming to the rescue was the cutest thing on this earth. He comforts his friend, tells her to pull her shit together and then goes after Jason with a calm but calculated, “You’re my bro, so straight up, did you kiss Jessica, bro?” Dieter proved to be the MVP of guy friends in that episode and it warmed my icy heart.

Today: Dieter is now engaged to a cutie, who hopefully has no similar qualities to Ms. Jessica and manages a fancy hotel. He lives on the east coast and therefore has more play times with Trey who also still lives around NYC. (And Polster, the party enthusiast)

Alex Hooser

Most Cringeworthy Moment: The fact that she was always second fiddle to Kristin and Jessica and basically was on the show just to ask them questions about their relationships and give them good advice that they all promptly ignored./ When she said, “I feel like being a senior you just mature so much more. Like drama and gossip don’t matter as much.” Oh you dooooo, Alex?

Most Noble Moment: Every single time she called Jessica a dumbass. It was perfection. Also when she basically did nothing to defend Jessica in Cabo during the “SAY YOU’RE A SLUT” incident (see Alex M. for full descrip)

Today: She lives in Hawaii, is a realtor and basically continues to stay private and low key probably still recovering from all those years of being Kristin’s bitch.

Taylor Cole

Most Cringeworthy Moment: This award mostly goes to her mom but when she’s getting ready for her first date with Talan and her mom comes charging in, gives her outfit advice and asks if she thinks Talan will kiss her. Stop trying to be the cool mom, Mrs. Cole.

Most Noble Moment: Taylor pretty much slinked away from the drama, mostly because the drama IS Kristin and Kristin hated her stinkin’ guts. Basically her only story line was with Talan two-timing her and she was a meek little baby mouse throughout all of that, so she OBVIOUSLY didn’t belong on this show.

Today: Taylor went to school in Arizona and is now the director of sales and marketing at TLC&You, a company that sells travel-ware to the first class flyers of Laguna (eye roll) that she started with her mom.

Alex Murrel

Most Cringeworthy Moment: At the landslide benefit fashion show when her and Talan perform and she sings a 2 minute song of the word hello with her hair aggressively covering her face and jazzy Christina Aguilera hands when she hit the high notes. SHE WAS BORN TO BE A STAR.

Most Noble Moment: In Cabo for spring break when she turns into a completely bad bitch and goes after Jessica forcing her to admit that she’s a slut. It was high school bullying at it’s finest. The drinks were flowing, the music was playing, and a high school senior was yelling out that she’s a slut, so there.

Today: Alex apparently tried the acting thing for a minute and all that resulted in was some weird TMZ drug bust because her bf at the time was a casual drug dealer? So my sources say…Now she works for MOX Agency, a boutique marketing and consulting agency that posts a lot of pictures and quotes on Instagram. She got engaged in Thailand and married about a month ago. Girl looks great and is still besties with Taylor Cole…no singing career though, sad face.

Jessica Smith

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Jessica was absolutely the type of girlfriend who would call her boyfriend and tell him everything she ate that day and then ask him where he was, what he was eating, what he was wearing and what he was thinking about. So when she turned into the dum dum of Laguna who let JWahl repeatedly cheat on her and then whine about it and take him back, she became the most cringeworthy character in Laguna history.

Most Noble Moment: Before the Landslide fashion show when they were all talking about Talan taking the stage and Jess has a look of pure disgust and goes, “Do you think he’d actually be good?” and then says she’s probably going to laugh the whole time he’s singing. All the awards.

Today: Jessica got married (after snagging a DUI..apparently her and Jason still do have things in common) and lives in Southern California with her three kids constantly tweeting and instagramming pictures of them. Puke. That’s not what social media is for, Jessica. On the up side, I found this picture of her toddler with acrylics on, and that put me in a good mood for the rest of the week. She’s obv a great mom. (Pezzed she married a hottie..)

Jason Wahler

Most Cringeworthy Moment: The night him and Cedric crashed poker night at Casey’s and ran around Morgan’s house with masks on and hit the windows. Cool prank guys. Then he tried to spit game at Alex and basically just ended up staring at her a lot. “My name Jason, I try sex with girls.”/When he got hammied at the benefit fashion show (can you tell this was my fave episode of all time?) and told LC “it’s like digusting but I’m obsessed with you.” Swoooon.

Most Noble Moment: His first date with LC in the old timey car his grandparents owned that belongs in a Memorial Day parade was adorable and made us all understand why LC bit it so hard for Jason. He acted like a true gentleman on their date and not like the cig smoking skeeze that he really was. He fooled us all girl, fooled us all.

Today: After dating LC/tormenting The Hills, becoming a real asshole alcoholic, going into rehab, going into celebrity rehab, getting engaged a couple times, Jason is sober now and married. And DAMN it he’s still got it.

Jenn Bunney

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Bunney’s first appearance before she became a legend on The Hills as a backstabbing boyfriend stealer, was epic. Bunney accompanies LC on spring break to Cabo and dribbles her dumb the whole time. She quotes LC for “what happens in Cabo, stays in Cabo” in the Laguna High newspaper. The most shocking part of this is that SHE WORKED FOR THE NEWSPAPER. Bunz was a writer?! Get. Out.

Most Noble Moment: While planning a BBQ pool party at LC’s house, Jenn brings up the topic of guests and so subtly goes who do you want to invite-Jason Wahler? Thank God she encouraged LC to go after Jason and therefore supply us with years of quality television and drama. She also told this dumb joke: “What comes before Part B? Part-A” while planning the party. The life of Jen Bunney is a real struggle.

Today: Married and no doubt an astrophysicist. She attended the 10 year reunion (pictured below) and I can only imagine the dirties that were thrown her way for being the shady person that she is.

Stephen Colletti

Most Cringeworthy Moment: Cabo spring break his senior year was a big cringe-fest. The level of sloppy that he got and the way he was getting in Kristin’s face telling her that she was a gutter slut whore who belonged on the streets was a liiiiiitttle rough. Then he continued his bender and his drunk, limp body fell directly into the arms of LC, who was obviously waiting for this moment all her life./Also, any time he ruffled someone’s hair or gave them a noogie and counted it as flirting.

Most Noble Moment: I mean obviously, surprising LC at the airport in San Fran with that sexy ass white pickup of his. They rode off into the sunset, embarking on their college journey together. (We’re all going to casually forget that this lasted like a month and LC quit like a baby bitch and came running back to Laguna.)

Today: Though many tried the acting thing, Stephen was pretty much the only one who succeeded, landing the coveted role of bar manager on One Tree Hill for several seasons.(After starring in T.Swift’s White Horse music video) He dated two characters at once on OTH and real talk he was playing himself but whatevs cause it was quality TV. He never got too big to hang with his high school bros though and that’s what I love about him.

Kristin Cavallari

Most Cringeworthy Moment: That black choker that wouldn’t go away for all of season 1. Wearing a skankatron white dress to the black and white party. Announcing at the bikini shop that she’s a large top and a small bottom (oh you have boobs?). Her audition for girls gone wild in Cabo. “STEEEEVENNNNN, there’s a bear!!!!” Saying she was so OVER Stephen and then going back to him after she ran out of guys to penetrate her. Getting extensions that looked like she taped the hair in herself. When she kissed Heidi at the benefit fashion show while wearing the most hideous of outfits. I could go on for days. Apparently being the resident “bad girl” also means all the cringes.

Most Noble Moment: Can we really say Kristin was ever noble? We’ll go with ballsiest moment for her. Hmm how about when she got sloppy drunk and started hooking up with Jessica’s new crush, Jeff right in front of her. “Best Friends Forever, Jess, or at least until I hit the Mike’s Hard and fall into your crushes’ lap. Better luck next time-this shit is dunzo!”-is probably how the convo went in the aftermath.

Today: Kristin kept her name in the tabz by taking over The Hills in the later seasons and then marrying Jay Cutler. She designs clothes or shoes or something too but who really cares because she’s spent her whole life trying to shake her massive bitch image that she created and guess what, no one is buying it. People don’t forget. She’s also a mom to two boys, which is terrifying.

Lo Bosworth

Most Cringeworthy Moment: When Lo went on a date while everyone else was in Catalina and it was the most awkward date ever to occur. The guy didn’t pay attention to her, took a phone call mid-dinner, told her she had a big mouth when she asked to split a stick of gum and she for whatever reason called him stinky as a term of endearment. It was super weird and the only time we got to see Lo date. Honorable mention: her date to prom. YIIIIKES.

Most Noble Moment: When her dad told her to help with the groceries and she delivered an aggress eye roll and was presented with a brand new white Jetta./Declaring that every day is a fashion show while deciding what to wear under her gown at graduation. Preach, Lo, you know it./Siding with Mr. Conrad when LC was almost failing out of high school and was like “wah, life sucks this is so unfair” after her dad grounded her. Lo was all, “maybe start pulling B’s, LC.”/ Also calling out LC for her fake Coach/Gucci bag when she was packing for college and calling it a Goachy. Lo was the best friend that everyone should have in their life.

Today: Running a fashion/lifestyle blog (http://thelodown.com/) and judging by her instagram attending culinary school (and really into selfies). Of course she’s still besties with LC (and was in her wedding), those two are ride or die bitches.

Lauren Conrad

Most Cringeworthy Moment: We all know LC is queen, but looking back on Laguna days she still had quite a few woofie moments. Going to the fashion show with Stephen and Trey and declaring that fashion is everything to her and that her makeup and nail polish reflect her moods was a little too deep for someone wearing a cami and flare jeans. Speaking of cringe outfits, she wore a hoodie out in Mexico on her birthday. She still got laid though so, respect. (side note: drunk LC is THE BEST.) Honorable mention: When she seriously said, “Boys are like purses….” and blabbered on about how there’s nice purses that cost too much and there’s purses that embarrass the shit out of you and you don’t want to be seen with and then there’s that comfortable purse you always go back to, and it’s name is Stephen. You’re so wise, LC.

Most Noble Moment: Any time that she had to be around Kristin and Stephen while they were together was suuupes noble. (Specifically, the limo back from prom when she had to watch them sloppy mack on each other)/Catalina, having to camp with the incessant screeching of STEEEEvENNNNN. /Also moving back to Laguna and having to deal with Kristin again with her only ally being dum dum JennBunney./Bitching out Jessica in her most condescending tone “You’re a rude girl. You’re sittin on everyone’s laps–I can’t talk to her it’s like talking to a 2 year old.”/Telling Jason off after he made her look like a moron. GIRL POWER. Oh wait, she dated him again and didn’t go to Paris? I redact. But still…she had many a noble moment.

Today: C’mon. We all know where LC is now.

Entire Series Most Cringeworthy Moment: The fact that these girls had enough money to spend $500 on designer shoes, yet chose to wear Forever 21 club dresses to their proms and formals.

For reals though Laguna molded my teen years. Watching seniors in high school frolic around while I was in 8^th grade was probably pretty detrimental to my life. I obviously thought this show was exactly what high school would be like. It was a tough blow to realize that high school was actually just like middle school except more alcohol in your parent’s basement for the 10 months of winter that Syracuse endured. No beaches, no fancy parties, and no spring breaks. In fact, I admired Laguna so much that I tried to throw a black and white soiree freshman year of high school. It didn’t pan out…mostly because no one’s parents would entertain the idea of a bunch of 13 year olds partying in a hotel room. I wonder why…Anywho, Laguna was great to watch then but it’s EVEN better to watch now. Now that I’m older and soooo much more mature, I can actually tell when they’re clearly intoxicated on the show and also I can turn binge watching into a great drinking game. (The Hills also applies here…possible future post?) If this walk down memory lane inspired you to re-up on the classics, my sources say that MTV still has all episodes available to watch online. Jus Sayin. Feel free to comment your favorite moments below so we can all lawl together.

Music, Playlist

The ULTIMATE Pop Christmas Playlist

It’s now the acceptable time of year when you start jamming to your Christmas playlists even though the stores have been playing them since Halloween. I’m sure everyone has a go-to Christmas jam, and this playlist is just here to enlighten you to the best pop holiday tunes of all time (according to me, obv.) I haven’t changed my Christmas lineup in roughly ever because the 90’s crushed holiday CD’s so please indulge and share in this guilty pleasure with me. For the record, this is not the place to go for Christmas classics, if you’re looking for Bing Crosby please see yourself to another blog.

All I Want For Christmas Is You-Mariah Carey. If your Christmas CD/mixtape/playlist doesn’t always and forever start with this song then you don’t know the real meaning of Christmas. This song IS Christmas. Every year it kicks off the holidays and I would go so far as to say it’s Mariah Carey’s claim to fame. Forget all that other nonsense, this song can only be sung by Mariah Carey and it will always put me in a fabulous holiday mood.
What Christmas Means to Me-Hanson. Some of you may be shocked by this addition, and will be even more shocked when you see that I doubled up on the Hanson. Well guess what? Hanson’s Christmas album was THE SHIT. Those little pre-pubescent boys with flowing, luscious locks knew how to rock some Santa jams. Listen to this and you’ll immediately start clapping by yourself while drinking some adult hot chocolate (trust me, it’ll make you looser for the clapping part).
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays-N*SYNC. If Hanson’s Christmas CD was great, N*SYNC’s was even better. I don’t know what happened between now and the 90’s that made every artist stop doing Christmas CD’s but clearly that’s where the money’s at. This song was made doubly famous by having the song and music video featured in the 90’s Christmas classic, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” starring the one and only JTT alongside Jessica Biel before she married Justin Timberlake or whatever (dream crusher). I wonder if they met while promoting this movie? Did I just break 15 year old celeb news? Probably. Anyway I recommend adding that movie to your holiday binge cycle, head’s up though there’s a little bit of profanity. Jessica Biel calls JTT a butthole and my mom got REAL ticked with my sister and I for watching such inappropriate content. (True story.) PS Gary Coleman in a green shiny raincoat suit in the music video? Yes please.
The Christmas Song-Michael Buble. This actually is a classic, but even though Bubbles is a real classy guy, he’s not in the rat pack or anything so this is a pop modern version as far as I’m concerned. For realz though, Bub’s voice is like butter. He could serenade me foreva.
Jingle Bell Rock-Aly&AJ. Remember these two Disney goons? One of them continued to be in the spotlight and one didn’t. Don’t ever ask me which is which. They look nothing alike but they ARE Aly&AJ and so as one they will forever be ingrained in my memory. As far as Disney beats go, this is actually not as embarrassing as some others I will include for your listening pleasure. Also these two spunksters end the song with “How’s that for a Christmas song?” THE SASS. THE TUDE. Did Mickey approve this?
I Won’t Be Home for Christmas-Blink 182. The obligatory badass anti-Christmas jam. In my rebellious punk-rock days when I forced my sister to take pictures of me wearing a wife beater and a tie with my tongue hanging out, yeah I was real hard, I got into listening to some HARDCORE pop punk like Blink. It was angsty of me to love a Christmas song that was so inapprops, plus how do you not giggle when he sings about someone in jail unwrapping his package? I also added this song to give me more street cred when you inevitably hate me for the 2 radio Disney songs that are coming up.
A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes-Various Disney Teenieboppers. Part of the fun of this cheeeeeesetastic song is trying to figure out which Disney star from our childhood is singing. Hint: one of them can see the future. I don’t even know if this is technically a Christmas song but it was on one of Radio Disney’s Holiday CD’s so boom, it is now. This is one to slow things down and make you reflect on your inner feels.
My Only Wish (this year)-Britney Spears. CLASSIC asking Santa for a boyfriend song. It’s okay Brit, we’ve all been there. Oh, we haven’t? Whatever guys. Santa gets shit done. Also this song is essentially the plot of every Hallmark/Lifetime holiday movie that I will be aggressively recapping and I don’t hate it.
Last Christmas (I Gave You My Heart)-Savage Garden. Threw you a real curveball with this one. Most of you were expecting the classic WHAM! version that started it all. I’m not knocking good ole George Michael but I’m doing my part in this world to make sure everyone knows about Savage Garden and they’re angel voices. Savage Garden’s genre was known as crying music, that probably wasn’t their specific genre but they were the type of band (of beautiful men) that could sing the happiest song and it still sounded depressing. Great sobfest soundtrack. Thank me later. Regardless, they had just the right amount of whimsical to make this remake a hit.
Merry Christmas Baby-Hanson. The snaps and the piano crush it in the intro to this song. I can’t be the only one who listens to it and has to remind herself that these guys were no older than 16 when they recorded this. Yikes. Petition for a comeback Christmas concert from Hanson, sans floor length hair.
Someday At Christmas-B5. This is mostly for laughs but also sneeeakkyyy a jam. Lots of mid-song talking, which always gives me a serious case of the giggles. Why haven’t singers figured out yet that talking amidst singing is just plain silly? Also no idea who B5 is but they are easily all 5 years old. Don’t care, still bop to it. I’m assuming it’s Diddy (because he says “your boy Diddy”) who does the end of the song recap but he gives a nice shout out to all the holidays in the world, cuz whatever you’re down with, it’s all good. Well put, Diddy, well put.
Baby It’s Cold Outside-Jessica Simpson ft. Nick Lachey. Why is this song on here? BECAUSE I WILL NEVER LET GO OF NICK & JESSICA. But actually, a Nick & Jessica duet is a rare gem to be cherished. RIP Newlyweds. Bonus points for the overly fake and obnoxious sleigh bells in the background track.
Kiss Me At Midnight-N*SYNC. What’s that you say? Christmas is over now? Don’t you even fret. N*SYNC doesn’t just pick one holiday to sing about. New Year’s counts too and makes it completely acceptable for holiday music listening to extend a couple weeks more.

Honorable mention for a song that you listen to once to fully immerse yourself in 90’s Christmas and then NEVER listen to it again: 8 Days of Christmas-Destiny’s Child. Back when Beyonce sang about getting a pair of Chloe shades and a DIAMOND BELLY RING from her baby for Christmas instead of singing about girl power and waking up like this. My, my how much our baby Bey has grown. If you want to make sure that you hate this song and never want to hear it again, have one of your most popular friends that you always hang out with set it as her ringtone. Worked like a charm for me.

I hope you enjoyed this very merry walk through Christmases of the 90’s and early 2000’s. Excuse me while I put this playlist on full blast and write my letter to Santa. Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.

Pop Culture

Turkey Day Highlights

I made the sacrifice on a relaxing day full of family and food, to permanently glue my ass to the couch and consume everything on TV this morning just for you guys. You’re welcome, really. Here are the greatest hits of the Macy’s parade and the National Dog Show…should you be sick of family time and looking for some reading material post-turkey nap.

Macy’s Parade:

-Baldwinsville marching band does a SASSY rendition of a daft punk medley and reps CNY for all to see.

-Meghan Trainor performs a new song that I dig hard on a children’s toy float. Gurrrl power.

-There’s a Sea World float with Shamu that feels like it shouldn’t be included due to the fact that ever since Blackfish came out everyone hates Sea World. Read the crowd, guys…

-Nick Jonas wears the shit out of a peacoat and sings Jealous Guy…atop a cruise line float, which leads me to wonder if people get to pick the float they ride on?

-Matt Lauer is forced to describe balloons as if they are celebrities walking down the red carpet. “And here comes Paddington Bear wearing his signature hat and jacket…”

-There was a Peter Pan preview/performance and I got even less excited for the premiere of this live show next week–which means my excitement levels are in the negatives currently.

-MKTO got me revved up by singing Classic (still can’t get sick of that one) and also they won the float lottery with Ninja Turtles, MKTO has street cred, yo.

-In my dad’s words: Kiss “blew shit up again…ya gotta love ’em.” Though I don’t share this opinion, their performance was miles better than the weird video game salute dance that was shortly after.

-They promote the new Annie with that little 7 year old who almost swept the Oscars and brought a dog purse to the show a couple years ago, Jay-Z’s version of Hard Knock Life will ALWAYS be better, jus sayin.

National Dog Show:

(I didn’t see the whole show, sorry I’m not sorry, some of us had to take public transportation to our thanksgiving destination today)

-So many sensible shoes in one room, so little time.

-I saw a lot of ugly dogs and I didn’t think that would be possible considering how much I love puppies.

-Speaking of ugly dogs, the hairless black one that looked like an animated dog from Harry Potter will haunt my dreams tonight.

-What was the deal with the handlers eating their dogs’ treats? Share the wealth, guys. Nobody likes a tease.

-When my dad and I were contributing absolutely nothing to dinner, sitting on the couch making fun of dogs and my mom asked if he would come carve the turkey he replied, “No, they’re about to announce the best in show.” Happy Holidays from my family to yours.

-The man, the myth, the legend, Edd “Double D” E. Bivin was the Best in Show judge. What a rockstar.

-Nathan the Bloodhound won but let’s be straight up here…the sammy was ROBBED with the second place award. The sammy trotted around with an ear to ear grin and looked like a fluffy pile of happiness and was also well-behaved so WTF, Double D Ed?! I demand a recount.

Tha real MVP.

Hope ya’ll had a nice Thanksgiving and stuff. I never thought leggings could feel constricting but that’s a place I got to today. Proud of it.

PS I didn’t want to have to go here, but Pitbull came close to ruining the day when he performed in Dallas as the halftime show. He did the same medley of songs he does every time he hits a stage and he was wearing creepy gloves and shades and grinding up on the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Can we have a solid week without him on TV orrrr?

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Who Stalked JR?”

The theme of this week’s episode is we’re all rich but we’re suuuupess humble…you know, minus the humble part. We have another week with a no-show from supposedly new character Eileen…probably for the best but this also means we have to endure another week of Adrienne returning for a cut of the pay and the fame. But we’ll get to that nonsense later.

We start on Brandi’s moving day…she’s no longer homeless, guys. She has a house with a roof and apparently enough dough to hire movers that absolutely strip at night, Magic Mike style. Kim comes over to “help”, aka pull up a chair with Brandi and her hairstylist as they ogle the movers that are roughly half their age while they carry in Brandi’s stripper paraphernalia and nude portraits. This is an opportune time for Brandi to remind us about JR, who apparently she no longer dates but still phone sexes with. Since she’s not tied down, she’s free to stare at fresh out of college (jk they prob didn’t go to college) movers’ abs and then later bang one. Whoops–spoiler alert.

In an attempt to show the difference between how Brandi lives and how the rest of the housewives live, we move onto the villain who continues to cackle atop her ivory tower of evil, otherwise known as Lisa. She has a meeting with someone who creates her handmade silk shirts with her name encrusted in jewels on them. She just doesn’t have the time to shop, guys. She then introduces us to “the help” because she’s a woman of the people. Lisa tells a heartwarming story about how her immigrant maid was walking uphill to another interview and she poached her, told her to get in the Benz, and saved her from her terrible life of walking places. “One good deed” is hiring a maid apparently. Lisa later goes diamond shopping with Shiva (Muhamed’s girlfriend) and the two of them try on grossly expensive diamonds and make a bunch of innaprops sexual jokes toward the jeweler. Nice try, Lisa, we all know can afford all the diamonds in the world and don’t need to pay in sexual favors.

In case you aren’t yet full of humble pie, let’s have another slice with Kyle as she prepares for her family vacation in Lake Tahoe. Kyle tries to explain in a way that doesn’t make her whole family sound like a bag of assholes, that Mauricio only flies private now because he hates airports and is above the common traveler. She giggles and says, that sounds awful, doesn’t it? Yes, yes it does. To offset this statement she tells her own story of when Mauricio and her were first married and poor, they told their kids to act like babies so that they could sneak them on the airplane without paying for their seats. Giggle, giggle. I think we took a sharp turn in the opposite direction there, Kyle…you overcorrected and told us all how you used to cheat the airlines and everyone still hates you. Cool story though. While boarding their private plane to Tahoe, we see more of Portia being a goddamn toddler diva and I for one will not be able to watch this unfold every week. NIP IT IN THE BUD, KYLE.

Yolanda shows off her bangin bod by surprising David with a fully cooked dinner in lingerie. Is it just me or does “Hi, my love” give you the cringes every time that it’s uttered? David is his usual creepy self and remembers to ask where the kids are after he’s already popped a boner. During dinner he reminisces about the time Yolanda dressed like a hooker in red lingerie and a trench coat and the retelling of the story is so scripted and forced that I was forced to call the uncomfortable police to my apartment, stat. It was an emergency. They eat one bite of dinner, David GRACIOUSLY offers to clear the table and hand off the dishes to their maid so long as Yolanda can be his dessert. ALL THE PUKE. EVERYWHERE. After we see Yo in this getup, it’s a liiiiittle hard to understand how a commercial break later she’s unable to button her pants and declares she’s fat after she makes some outrageous pterodactyl noises trying to get the pants on. Realistically, she probably went from a 00 to a 0. OH THE HORROR. She discusses her fat people problems with the hired help who sympathizes because that’s what she’s paid to do. Yo sticks with her whoutfit (white outfit) that “doesn’t fit” and hits the stables with Kim.

We learn right away at the horse stables that Dutch vs. American riding outfit styles is classy vs. trashy. Kim (in her trashy riding gear) knows all about animals cause she was once a PROFESSIONAL ACTRESS-REMEMBER? Yolanda confesses in her aside, “Kim and I haven’t really gotten along but since I met her and saw what an unhinged person she was I’ve wanted to be her caretaker.” More or less. They ride and bond over horse farts and their kids going to college.

Kim may have seemed normal with Yolanda, but let’s not forget how a mere 10 minutes earlier she and Brandi decided to don wigs and scarves and stalk Brandi’s ex boyfriend who is now banging someone new. Although I admit Brandi looked fab with her glasses, this was a real loony tune of a joint activity for them. It’s probably because Kim “has a family history of stalking”. This explains everything and nothing all at once. Brandi talks more about her 23 year old conquest Jake Ryan (by use of full name multiple times, it’s clear that he’s only a part of this episode because his thirst for fame is so real and he has an agent.) Kim tries to be a supportive friend but is internally dialing up the cops because her son is 23 and she’s having visions of cougar Brandi snatching him up next. They catch JR doing nothing, but at least we got to see two grown woman wearing heels and wigs climb in and out of a bush definitely full of creatures.

The grand finale this week is the meeting of Brandi and Adrienne, or as I like to refer to it, the battle of the visible dark roots. (Adrienne is a victor with her black roots basically down to her knees. Time to touch up the bottle blonde, girlie, now that you’ve clawed your way back onto TV again). Brandi is super nervsies and talks about it to death with her hair stylist and then has the nerve to interrupt Kyle while she’s yachting in Tahoe. Kyle eats that shit right up though because she’s been salivating at the opportunity to insert herself into this drama since she heard they were talking at HER infamous White Party. The lunch occurs and is largely uneventful because the two ladies both act like mature adults for once. This is probably the most peaceful apology lunch to ever occur in housewife history-Brandi strings together a sincere apology, Adrienne accepts and suddenly they’ve moved past the fur vest hurling of f-bombs at a rooftop cocktail hour. They start to dish on Lisa and the episode ends with a happy ending for Adrienne and Brandi but a foreboding feeling that the ice queen will strike again. (Seriously, Bravo, how long are we going to play this out?)

PS In less dramatic news: Rinna continues to be cool and down to earth and not actually belong on this show full of self-indulgent monsters. Rinna knows when to laugh at herself and proves it by showing a Depends campaign she did because apparently she “doesn’t say no to anything”. Hmm, possibly how she got on this show? I think we’re onto something here. Stay tuned for more of one cool girl in a sea of twats and hopefully the much anticipated appearance of Eileen?

Music, Pop Culture, Television

AMA’s Recap

WHY in the history of music awards shows the top picks for hosts are LL Cool J and Pitbull is easily the greatest mystery of the world. It’s no secret that my hate for Pitbull/Mr. Worldwide/ Mr. 305 is to the moon and back so I’m going to try my best to ignore his antics and focus on the other parts of the show. (Key word here is try…I make no promises).

The opening performance of the night is our very own Ms. Taylor Swift performing Blank Space for the first time live. You all probably think I’m going to bow down to whatever she does but I’m mature enough to admit that this performance was all sorts of wrong. It was essentially a live action version of the music video and it was way too much. The sound sucked and Taylor felt the need to out-crazy the video version of herself and it was just plain scary. There were special fx flames left and right and guys being poisoned by apples and I didn’t know where to look. Her over-acted expressive crazy eyes were all over the place and it was pretty terrifying. She ended the performance with a smirk and a new man coming through a prop door with roses. Way to stick the landing but certainly not her best performance.

Remember how I said that I wasn’t going to focus on Mr. 305? I lied. Sue me. Dale. Pitbull took his hosting time to remind us all that he is in fact Cuban/Latino and essentially turned the awards into a bilingual broadcast. He declared that when he speaks Spanish the ratings go up, which is interesting because nothing made me want to turn off my TV more. After every commercial break we were promptly reminded that he speak Spanish, he also educated us all on what an Instagram filter is. It’s a good thing he was around because the Awards clearly could not have functioned without him. We were also blessed with a performance from him and this included his latest song Fireball which has singlehandedly ruined my favorite drink. Thanks for nothing, Pitbull.

Best Moments:

-One Direction won a bunch of awards and group hugged every time and we all got to hear them say “massive, massive thank you” in their cutesicle accents. Their performance took place in a grassy field and there was lots of tingly eye contact with the camera.

-Ariana Grande performed a stripped down medley like a classy cabaret singer in a black lace dress.

-Selena Gomez performs “The Heart Wants What It Wants” for the first time and gives us all the feels. She looked amazing in a long champagne colored gown with her hair down in waves, the backdrop was super moody and got a little distracting at times (chunky crying mascara eyes). Her pre-song blabbering was part of the performance unfortunately, but there was a part where some realistic wings came into play and I actually thought she might fly off the stage. Was really banking on a buildup to a sob sesh at the end but her grand finale was just some wet eyes. BOOOOOO. Don’t worry though because Taylor supplied them in full. Girl was a one woman broadway act last night. I usually cherish her audience cam moments for some awkward dancing but tonight was over the top.

-Speaking of Taylor stealing the show, she was awarded the first ever Dick Clark Award of Excellence, presented by Diana Ross who needed to be reminded that women don’t cover their face in blush anymore. We get to see a highlight reel of Tay’s general awesomeness and then she gets up to accept the award and kisses everyone in her posse (noticeably absent: Lena Dunham). Tay slobbers all over Diana Ross and how great she is and then talks directly to me when she thanks her fans for buying CD’s still. You’re welcome, T.

-The “Bang Bang” performance was pretty great and it’s a summer song that I can still get down with. Jessie J started out the song in the audience bopping around from celeb to celeb. She started with Khloe Kardashian who booty bumped her right on over to Tay’s crew, because of course. Jessie J learned quickly not to get down with Taylor Swift unless you want the spotlight ripped from your hands. Lorde tries to get in on it as well but we all shield our eyes. Then Ariana Grande takes it away onstage with a chair dance and a typical inapprops outfit & of course Nicki Minaj comes back out to play and is in her normal skanky uniform again. Joke’s over. They move back out to the audience to writhe around and it becomes clear that Nicki is above mingling with others.

Worst Moments:

-Charli XCX’s performance of “Boom Clap” which was straight out of every 90’s prom scene in the movies and quickly turned into her stripping into a latex outfit with a studded choker dancing around with some goth freaks and touching her boobs.

-Magic performs Rude, except it’s no longer summer and the song has lost it’s catchy appeal. Wyclef Jean joins them onstage and it is pretty much a stoner jam sesh. They take it to the audience and serenade a random girl who clearly doesn’t know what to do.

-Nicki Minaj performs a slower song wearing a floor length, long sleeve white gown trying to trick us all into thinking she’s an angel and not the disgusting hoe that showed us all her butthole during her Anaconda performance a mere few months ago at the VMA’s.

-Josh Duhamel introduces Fergie to perform “LA Love” and I’m reminded again how a perfect specimen like Josh married Fergalicious…and then made a kid with her. This song is offensively bad. I expected Harajuku girls to appear in the performance. It was so loud with so many colors and made my eyes hurt. At the end, Fergie strips a layer off and it gets stuck to her butt.

-JLo & Iggy’s “Booty” being the final performance of the night. Enough with the butts. So over it.

Things that made me question everything:

-Boy band Five Seconds of Summer performs a cover of What I Like About You. Is this even legal? Can a band perform a cover at an awards show like it’s karaoke night?

-During Iggy Azalea’s performance she was wearing a leotard, reenacting an 80’s exercise video and patted her vag far too many times for comfort.

-Lorde gives us a typical weirdo freak performance of her staring at the camera with dead witchy eyes and having an exorcism onstage and I was afraid. Taylor gets a lot of screen time dancing to her scary goth friend’s performance. She ends the song by smearing her black lipstick all over her face and Tay does her surprised face. I also had a surprised face at the fact that these two are friends.

-Lil Wayne has a quick performance with Christina Millian in red lingerie. Remember when she was irrelevant and the social media girl for The Voice? Christina provides some backup vocals and grinds all over Lil Wayne. Thanks for coming.

-Luke Bryan is there to present and not gyrate onstage. WHO SANCTIONED THIS? He also won an award and had lipstick on because he made out with his hot wife and stuck a dagger in my heart.

-Katy Perry wins an award and a Katy Perry robot, much like a hologram, accepts on her behalf via recording. If the robot ran out of battery and died mid-thank you I think it would’ve been less awkward than what actually happened.

-McDreamy being the first person to present an award. Was he lost? I’m confused.

-Iggy Azalea accepts an award wearing a frumpy business suit that I would expect a middle aged woman to wear with a pair of white sensible walking sneaks on the way to her cubicle for the day. She also had a huge crimped ponytail to sweeten the outfit.

-Garth Brooks with a satellite performance? Could this be more out of place?

-Every commercial break, Kohl’s had an extensive ad featuring children scream-singing Let It Go and I wished harmful things upon everyone involved in the making of this commercial and also Frozen.

-It is mind bottling that everyone is OBSESSED over scrutinizing the Harry Styles/Taylor Swift relationship or hatefest and yet there wasn’t ONE camera glance of either of their reactions to the other winning or performing. Do the producers of the AMA’s know what makes good TV? The answer is a hard no…because they chose Pitbull to host 2 years in a row.

Final thoughts- If you follow me on twitter (and you should) you know that for the past year or so I’ve been live tweeting every awards show regardless of how awesomely bad it is…exhibit A. This started about a year ago when my friend and I decided that our opinions were hilarious and important and vital to every awards show. Apparently our tradition has gotten a little out of hand because here is last night’s commentary from each of us without us being remotely anywhere near each other. We’ve morphed into one twitter awards show monster and you all should be frightened.

(click to enlarge)

Follow @LindseyReilly for all of your award show needs and all other things hilarious, cause she’s awesome. We will be tag teaming all awards season this year so please mentally prepare yourselves for those judgements to come.

Performances (that I could find):

Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

AMA’s Fashion

I expressed my excitement for the AMA’s today and both of my sisters asked me if I was 12. The answer is a hard yes. The AMA’s are maybe one step above the VMA’s in maturity level and I don’t even curr. Let’s judge how the tweens and young adult pop singers of this year dressed for such an event. Apparently if you didn’t have at least one full leg out to play, you were a nobody. I personally preferred the nobodies.

Worst Dressed:

Zendaya wearing some satin sheets and a bandeau bikini top.

Is stripper gold costume material back in style and I missed the memo? Jordin Sparks needed to step it up and show Jason DeRulo that she’s lookin like a dime.

More sparkles, more leg. Are we seeing a trend here? Leave the crops to the young’ns Heidi.

If the leg wasn’t so forceful I would actually like this dress.

Ok Morticia Adams, we get it, you have D cups. Charli XCX going nips out for the awards.

Happy Thanksgiving, the turkey has arrived!

This looks like a homemade dress for the sorority 80’s party, only thing missing is a scrunchie.

Magic looking like they stumbled out of a thrift shop (I’d bet money that they did) smelling of incense.

Imagine Dragons with a weird bib shirt, 60’s shades vibe. Hipsters, man.

Hey JLo, I know you invented the “booty” and all but you’re 45 and this is no longer an acceptable article of clothing to be wearing in public.

Best Dressed:

One Direction with some leopard accents. YAS.

Could do without the snake necklace on Kate Beckinsale but the dress is perfection.

Simple and classy, plus an obnoxious lips clutch for sass. Megan Trainor shows us you don’t need to have a slit up to your vagina to look good.

Selena with the tight black dress and open back giving the Biebs a taste of what he’s missing.

Becky G looking cute as a button with a sassy pony and approps party dress.

This dress is pretty stupid but I’m kinda digging on the crazy updo with the headband.

Nicki making my best dressed list because she is the most covered I have ever seen her and I encourage this wholeheartedly.

I’m digging Rita Ora’s yellow ball gown a lot. There’s coverage and a nice change up of color.

Lucy Hale with another classic short cocktail dress and simple hair/makeup look. Girl knows how to play the awards show game, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

I didn’t see a lot of nice men red carpet pics, so I’m including this for gender equality purposes. Nick Jonas with a real uncomfy pose but a nice dapper suit.

Julianne Hough with a saucy summer number that I don’t hate. Get it, gurl.

Stay tuned for my full recap post-awards. I can give you a teaser right now that the awards are a straight up trainwreck and I should win something just for watching them in full. I do it all for my fans.

JUice, Music, Pop Culture

Weekly JUice

1. Pitch Perfect 2 Trailer is here!

Hearing Cups before the trailer even started was already magic to my ears and then they went ahead and made it a Barden Bellas melody via campfire and made it 100 times better. The sad song, the slow motion, the slumber parties, it started out looking like a farewell college video and I’m certainly not in an emotional state to handle that right now. It’ll pretty much always be too soon for that. THANK GOD they picked shit up because I was running out of tissues. After some arm farting, we get a dirty beat and it looks like a trailer for Step Up 7:The Beatz from the Streetz (Trademark pending). This is what I can get down with. It could very well be a Step Up movie because it’s World Championships now and there was a lot of stripping onstage shown in a very short period of time. Side note: Legit thought the foreign blonde chick was Sofia Vergara for a second and then felt bad immediately because this woman is obviously a man. Sorry Sofia…my B. Anyway this trailer was phenomenal and now I have outrageously high hopes for this sequel to be a banger with another epic soundtrack. It’s no coincidence that it premieres on my birthday and I for one can’t wait to ring in my 24th year with my gurl Fat Amy.

2. We all got Beyonce’d again. She snuck a new song and music video for 7/11 out on Friday night because weekends don’t matter to Beyonce. No one can have other plans when she could drop another album at a moment’s notice. Thanks for keeping us on our toes, Bey.

So this music video looks like it was just a girls night in a hotel room, getting slizzard and having a dance party. That’s so basic of Bey…appealing to the masses with a music video that we all could make. She uses her foot as a phone and dances around in her underwear. The song is pretty annoying so I won’t fault you if you don’t watch the whole video. Here is the music video summed up in one screenshot:

3. Jesse McCartney releases music video for Punch Drunk Recreation

JESSE! When’s your next house party? LMK.

4. Jimmy Kimmel does his 8th installment of Celebs Reading Mean Tweets and this one is memorable because John Stamos FINALLY addresses his barf.com belly button.

5. Have you ever wanted to go on a date with a member of 1D? Good news, their new video allows you to do so. Set it full screen and kick back for your date, ladiezzz.

Not even leaving my apt and being wined and dined by some hotties is the perfect Saturday night.

Sorry I’m not sorry this week’s buzz is music video heavy…I just follow the JUice, people.

The Salty Ju

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Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Weekly JUice

Nashville- “Two Sides to Every Story”

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Pay Attention to Me!”

Laguna Beach Reunion

The ULTIMATE Pop Christmas Playlist

Turkey Day Highlights

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Who Stalked JR?”

AMA’s Recap

AMA’s Fashion

Weekly JUice