It’s vacation time this week in Beverly Hills, ah who are we kidding it’s always vacation time…this week happens to be Yolanda and Kyle’s spin through the Mediterranean on Champagne O’clock, the moderately sized yacht. But first Kyle must go over to Kim’s to watch her model the dresses she’ll wear at Brooke’s wedding. Plot twist: everyone in Kim’s house is sick and Kyle makes a big scene about it, doing everything short of pulling a SARS mask out of her back pocket. Kim’s dirty little kids will NOT ruin Kyle’s vacay. She gets out of there before she can catch all the diseases that fester in Kim’s house and gets right to packing, family style. Mauricio models some American Eagle flip-flops and Kyle imparts her wisdom on us all by saying that those flip-flops on a first date are a total deal breaker. Too late for that Kyle. Speaking of deal breakers, Portia is wearing acrylics and makeup and on her way to her own housewives franchise. The Real Housewives of Pre-School—“In a room full of kids eating play dough, I’m not afraid to eat caviar,” is what I imagine her tagline would be as she tosses her curls and stomps out to the playground.
While Kyle is taking a stretch limo to her private jet to then boarding a yacht for the week, Brandi meets with a guy to ink a bigger deal for her podcast. Girl needs cash, quick and she’s not shy about admitting it. They tell her she needs to T it down to make more money and she says, “I don’t know if I have a family friendly side.” Girl, same. She makes it happen though, because her kids keep asking her when the F she’s gonna be rich. She uses her first 6 figure check to buy a car all on her own so she can roll up to Eddie & Leann’s house and make them suck it. Do you, Brandi, do you. Except for when you’re wearing that porno “I Dream of Jeannie” look in your side interviews, in that case, do less.
We get a peek into Eileen’s life in Malibu as she pals around with her kids and third husband, don’t worry, she draws attention to it before we get a chance to. She also jumps on the chance to talk up her husband, as they all tend to do, and says he was a teen idol then a tennis professional, and now he’s the co-host of the world poker tournament. Womppp my how the teen idols have fallen. And that sums up Eileen…I now completely understand why she was omitted from the first three episodes–she’s a snoozefest.
Onto more important things-Lisa and Ken go shopping at Yana’s store for dog clothes. Yana is a European grown woman who wears a hot pink wig and carries around a Chihuahua who attacks anyone who gets too close. I honestly wish that I were making some of this up. They fit Giggy for clothes for his appearances and then Ken literally tongues the dog. I’m can only assume that Lisa brings Ken home to put him to bed after this and then later on we see her doing a Lisa squared lunch with Rinna. Lisa tells us that she loves Rinna a lot because Rinna actually gets what it’s like to be busy and work, unlike those other “friends.” (She actually used air quotes. Icicles dripped from her quoting fingers.) Lisa then goes on to boldly lie and say she’s never talked shit about anyone. Any woman who ever utters these words is a big liar who tells lies, whether they’re on TV or not, so nice try, Lisa. Rinna throws some compliments Lisa’s way, adding to her rep as the all around girl next door housewife. Then they go shopping and Lisa insults everything that Rinna picks out and tries on. Her eyes and stern tone make Rinna rethink all of her life decisions and Lisa glides away to continue not talking shit about anyone.
But anyway, enough about those poors of Beverly Hills who can’t afford to take the rich person’s version of a cruise around Spain. Back to the sea, where Yolanda graces Kyle’s “dinky yacht” with her presence. Yolanda reminisces on her vacation with David that just ended and referred to it as their time to be lovers and I closed my ears until she ceased that talk. The girls pretend they vacation like the rest of us and go tubing, where Yolanda refers to the tube as a bagel and Kyle thrives off of this cackling the whole time. Yolanda is foreign and can’t pronounce things, so this makes Kyle feel better about her smaller yacht. They hit land to do some sightseeing and Yo throws on some sneaks, reminding us why she’s our favorite low-key housewife who favors sneaks, jorts and yoga pants. Kyle wears a big hat and a practical pair of wedges for walking, reminding us why she’s our most hated diva of a housewife. Yolanda showing Kyle the ancient buildings and cathedrals is like watching the cultured and worldly tour guide leading Elle Woods around. We get to see a lot of Kyle/Yo bonding this trip and I’m not sure how I feel about it. They have a heart to heart about sick/dying parents, then sending their kids to college. Things get real, real quick when they agree that they want their daughter’s asses as they lay in string bikinis, drinking wine and ogling Alexia’s assets. We get to see a joyous Kyle panic attack as she makes a scene about jumping off the yacht into the water, and Yo tells her to grow a pair because her kids are watching.
Then my girl Yo goes through some rough times when she gets a call from David informing her that Bella got a DUI. Yolanda keeps it real as a parent and a down to earth person when she talks about how disappointed she is and how wrong it was rather than freaking out and making it about herself like I suspect someone else aboard the Champagne O’clock may have done. But more on that next week guys, cliffhanger city. (NOT.) In closing, if we don’t throw everyone in an all white dining room together for a dinner party with flowing wine and place cards that contain selective hearts REAL soon, I’m going to have to take drastic measures. WHAT’S THE HOLDUP, ANDY?!
The Salty Ju 