RHOBH, Television

RHOBH- “Livin’ La Vida Housewife”


It’s vacation time this week in Beverly Hills, ah who are we kidding it’s always vacation time…this week happens to be Yolanda and Kyle’s spin through the Mediterranean on Champagne O’clock, the moderately sized yacht. But first Kyle must go over to Kim’s to watch her model the dresses she’ll wear at Brooke’s wedding. Plot twist: everyone in Kim’s house is sick and Kyle makes a big scene about it, doing everything short of pulling a SARS mask out of her back pocket. Kim’s dirty little kids will NOT ruin Kyle’s vacay. She gets out of there before she can catch all the diseases that fester in Kim’s house and gets right to packing, family style. Mauricio models some American Eagle flip-flops and Kyle imparts her wisdom on us all by saying that those flip-flops on a first date are a total deal breaker. Too late for that Kyle. Speaking of deal breakers, Portia is wearing acrylics and makeup and on her way to her own housewives franchise. The Real Housewives of Pre-School—“In a room full of kids eating play dough, I’m not afraid to eat caviar,” is what I imagine her tagline would be as she tosses her curls and stomps out to the playground.

While Kyle is taking a stretch limo to her private jet to then boarding a yacht for the week, Brandi meets with a guy to ink a bigger deal for her podcast. Girl needs cash, quick and she’s not shy about admitting it. They tell her she needs to T it down to make more money and she says, “I don’t know if I have a family friendly side.” Girl, same. She makes it happen though, because her kids keep asking her when the F she’s gonna be rich. She uses her first 6 figure check to buy a car all on her own so she can roll up to Eddie & Leann’s house and make them suck it. Do you, Brandi, do you. Except for when you’re wearing that porno “I Dream of Jeannie” look in your side interviews, in that case, do less.

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We get a peek into Eileen’s life in Malibu as she pals around with her kids and third husband, don’t worry, she draws attention to it before we get a chance to. She also jumps on the chance to talk up her husband, as they all tend to do, and says he was a teen idol then a tennis professional, and now he’s the co-host of the world poker tournament. Womppp my how the teen idols have fallen. And that sums up Eileen…I now completely understand why she was omitted from  the first three episodes–she’s a snoozefest.

Onto more important things-Lisa and Ken go shopping at Yana’s store for dog clothes. Yana is a European grown woman who wears a hot pink wig and carries around a Chihuahua who attacks anyone who gets too close. I honestly wish that I were making some of this up. They fit Giggy for clothes for his appearances and then Ken literally tongues the dog. I’m can only assume that Lisa brings Ken home to put him to bed after this and then later on we see her doing a Lisa squared lunch with Rinna. Lisa tells us that she loves Rinna a lot because Rinna actually gets what it’s like to be busy and work, unlike those other “friends.” (She actually used air quotes. Icicles dripped from her quoting fingers.) Lisa then goes on to boldly lie and say she’s never talked shit about anyone. Any woman who ever utters these words is a big liar who tells lies, whether they’re on TV or not, so nice try, Lisa. Rinna throws some compliments Lisa’s way, adding to her rep as the all around girl next door housewife. Then they go shopping and Lisa insults everything that Rinna picks out and tries on. Her eyes and stern tone make Rinna rethink all of her life decisions and Lisa glides away to continue not talking shit about anyone.

But anyway, enough about those poors of Beverly Hills who can’t afford to take the rich person’s version of a cruise around Spain. Back to the sea, where Yolanda graces Kyle’s “dinky yacht” with her presence. Yolanda reminisces on her vacation with David that just ended and referred to it as their time to be lovers and I closed my ears until she ceased that talk. The girls pretend they vacation like the rest of us and go tubing, where Yolanda refers to the tube as a bagel and Kyle thrives off of this cackling the whole time. Yolanda is foreign and can’t pronounce things, so this makes Kyle feel better about her smaller yacht. They hit land to do some sightseeing and Yo throws on some sneaks, reminding us why she’s our favorite low-key housewife who favors sneaks, jorts and yoga pants. Kyle wears a big hat and a practical pair of wedges for walking, reminding us why she’s our most hated diva of a housewife. Yolanda showing Kyle the ancient buildings and cathedrals is like watching the cultured and worldly tour guide leading Elle Woods around. We get to see a lot of Kyle/Yo bonding this trip and I’m not sure how I feel about it. They have a heart to heart about sick/dying parents, then sending their kids to college. Things get real, real quick when they agree that they want their daughter’s asses as they lay in string bikinis, drinking wine and ogling Alexia’s assets. We get to see a joyous Kyle panic attack as she makes a scene about jumping off the yacht into the water, and Yo tells her to grow a pair because her kids are watching.

Then my girl Yo goes through some rough times when she gets a call from David informing her that Bella got a DUI. Yolanda keeps it real as a parent and a down to earth person when she talks about how disappointed she is and how wrong it was rather than freaking out and making it about herself like I suspect someone else aboard the Champagne O’clock may have done. But more on that next week guys, cliffhanger city. (NOT.) In closing, if we don’t throw everyone in an all white dining room together for a dinner party with flowing wine and place cards that contain selective hearts REAL soon, I’m going to have to take drastic measures. WHAT’S THE HOLDUP, ANDY?!

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Pay Attention to Me!”


I missed the first 20 mins of last night’s episode, but I can ALMOST guarantee that I missed everyone (the couples) going to a dinner together and chatting about how they found their hubbies, Kyle reveals she was engaged to an old geezer when she met Mauricio, Rinna saying she snatched Harry post-Nicolette Sheridan dumping, Lisa probably saying something catty. Portia trying on bikinis and demanding designer duds that Mauricio didn’t skip a beat to purchase for her, and Yolanda and her daughter Bella talking about nail polish. Was I close? Please feel free to let me know in the comments below if I left anything out.

We get to see some sisterly interaction in last night’s episode, which does nothing to warm my heart but is entertaining to say the least. Kim’s daughter Brooke is getting married and all the sisters Richards gather for wedding dress shopping. Kyle suggests that Kim try on a few dresses as a gag before being told that it’s Brooke’s day…oh yeah, Kyle agrees and slinks away to steal the attention from someone else. Suddenly everyone is silenced at the arrival of Kathy Hilton, who struts in oozing fame and fortune. Kyle and Kim cower in the corner as Kathy immediately barks out that the dress Brooke has on is hideous and to take it off immediately. I’m so gleefully thankful that every season they max out the budget for one episode to pay Kathy Hilton to make an appearance. It’s worth it every time. I’m floored that they don’t make any mention of Paris or Nicky for extra thirsty ratings like they usually do. Things take a heavier turn when Kim talks about her first husband, Brooke’s dad, who has several types of cancer currently and is living with Kim. Her sisters act like this is the first time they’ve heard of this, so we’re all convinced that they’re super close. Lots of tears from Kim and then Kyle says something condescending about how she always thinks of Kim as fragile but is shocked to see she’s actually strong sometimes. The backhanded compliments for Kim are never-ending and always appreciated. And that concludes our sisters Richards reunion for this season. It was everything I had hoped and dreamed.

We get to watch Yolanda dye her hair a gleaming shade of white, and talk about her impending vacation/trip home to Holland to take care of her mother who has uterine cancer. Real heavy episode, lots of tears and I’m not into it. Although if we’re being honest when Yolanda goes on and on about how important family is and then goes back and forth between talking about being on yachts in bikinis and going to take care of her ailing mother, I’m a little fuzzy on the deets of why she is actually traveling there. Then she kicks it with her maid Blanca because apparently we’ve now signed up to watch Real Maids of Beverly Hills after a third week in a row of a maid story line…I’m guessing they’ve become an integral part of this show just to prove that the housewives give them ample vacation days and treat them well? In our bonus scene this week Yolanda shares with us candidly that she ALSO always flies private. How about this, let’s go ahead and assume that everyone in this cast flies private except for Brandi, k, Bravo? That way we can avoid any further scenes about the details of their private jets. Yo sleeping on a California king, smothered in silk sheets on an airplane was pretty hilarious though.

FINALLY Eileen has arrived. Was it worth the three-episode wait? Nope. Rinna and Eileen gather for lunch and apparently have known each other since the 80’s because soap operas. They show a cheesy Days of Our Lives clip from forever ago where feathered hair was okay and they both had their original faces. Rinna compliments Eileen on getting an Emmy and Eileen humble brags about how she can’t keep track of where her Emmy actually is right now. Eileen does some contrived performance in her talking head segment about how actresses get a bad rep for wanting all the attention but she doesn’t? Or something…The amount of times that each utter some cliché that they haven’t seen each other in forever means that they were brought together just for this show. Do better at hiding the staging, producers. Geeze.

Brandi is wearing a winter hat in California in the summer and picks up Kyle to go hiking. We are treated to some flashbacks to drunk Brandi days-YAASSSSS. This week’s installment of “I’m a whale who will never be able to wear a bikini” is brought to you by Kyle and Brandi exercising and seeing who can out-fat each other. They talk about Lisa, and Kyle makes a lot of faces. Brandi decides to call her on speakerphone mean girls style and this will OBVIOUSLY go well. Lisa pretends she doesn’t have caller ID on her probably brand new iphone and acts the most surprised to hear that it’s Brandi. Brandi plays it casj cool and is all, “hey you coming to my house warming party before I inevitably move again?” Lisa demands an apology, obviously…and I reeeally hate to do it but I have to actually side with her on this one because Brandi isn’t really approaching this in a fab or mature way. Brandi continues to have a who gives a fahk attitude and tells Lisa “If you want to be friends, fine, but I’m not going to kiss your ass.” Divine intervention causes Brandi’s phone to die at this exact moment. Or did Lisa MAKE her phone die? We’ll never know…but Brandi makes an even dumber decision to snatch up Kyle’s phone and call her back to clear the air. This obviously opens up a whole other conflict and Lisa’s like hey screw you guys I’m having a lovely afternoon with my husband while he’s still able to walk and talk and I’m over this shit. Brandi clears it up that she didn’t actually hang up though…soo we good? No we’re not. The conversation ends with an “I hope to see you?” “Okay?” and it’s the most confusing resolution to a convo BUT leaves the window open to further continue to drag this stupid fight on for the rest of the season.

Random Highlights:

-All the cringes in the world every time we see Lisa as a talking head wearing an off the shoulder, emerald green, shiny ball gown that is basically showing her nipples. That’s SOMEBODY’S MOTHER.

-The ice queen’s ringtone is classical music. I can’t decide if this is fitting or a curveball.

-Rinna with the quote of the night, “I get high off of everything”. PLEASE make an episode where Rinna, Brandi and Kim eat pot brownies, Andy.