Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- JoJo Gets Yim-Yammed

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“If I don’t get this date card I’m gonna go cry in a corner by myself”

Let’s Get Physical with Chase

Since The Bachelor’s MO is tossing two people who don’t know each other into tantric workshops, welcome to hawt yoga with the guy who’s logged about 5 minutes total with JoJo. It starts with a bang when the yoga instructor asks how long JoJo and Chase have been intimate and they’re like COULD YOU DEFINE INTIMATE? Oh yeah we’ve never even kissed. So that’s a no. It’s fine though because it took my eyes no time at all to get intimate with Chase in those leggings. He’s got a droolworthy bod with a six pack to write home about. JoJo is feelin it too as she keeps telling the camera how chiseled Chase is. Then she straddles him for “a yoga position” called the “yim-yam” except it ends with them making out and touching each other’s naked bodies. While they were hardcore yimming each other’s yams, the yoga instructor magically disappears. What a wing woman. Girl knows what foreplay looks like and when to get the hell outta there. Side note that you may detect a scooch of jealousy in: JoJo’s perfect mermaid waves stay intact throughout this entire 110-degree workout and she couldn’t look fresher. WUTEVER.

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Later, JoJo does that thing girls do when they want a guy to tell them they’re a bangpiece—she’s all I didn’t even look sexy today, I was so nervous! LoL. Chase doesn’t bite. Strike one. Then he talks about how his parents got divorced and marriage is a one-time deal for him. Does Chase know what show he’s on? The Bachelorette does not value marriage, Chase. Get out while you can. He gets rosed because JoJo’s “excited” about him. Read: her undies are soaked just thinking about getting her yam yimmed. Charles Kelly serenades them.

Love Has No Secrets with Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad

Upon receiving the group date card with fifty names on it, Chad says that he doesn’t even wanna go. He’d rather kick back and get his one on one later. The other gents aren’t loving this ‘tude and so starts a bro-off. Chad tells Evan to stop talking and calls Jordan a failure. Alex “try me bro’s” Chad and there’s a whole lot of staring.

The date turns out to be a Sex Talks live show. In other words, a show where people pay money to watch a woman walk onstage and proceed to make orgasm sounds. The bros are uncomfy and Vinny “has never heard sounds like that before.” Quick tip for Vinny, solve that line of hair parading across your forehead (you are a barber, after all) and you might have more chances to bring chicks to O-Town. The date takes a turn when the men are asked to participate. I was pretty terrified when we got a BTS peek at the process and Daniel was drawing a stick figure on his pad of paper. My predictions came true when he told a story about cutting a lock of hair with a knife from a girl he had tied up. REALLY ABC? YOU’RE GONNA SPLICE THAT SOUNDBYTE IN WITH NO EXPLANATION?! I can only assume the stick figure he drew was supposed to be a chalk outline of the girl he once raped and killed. Bet he carries that hair around in his pocket. His act got big laughs though so apparently I’m missing something here. It would be nice to know so I don’t have nightmares about the Damn Daniel guy scalping someone. (Or images of Nick the former Santa Claus practicing his alphabet tongue skills. Yuck.)

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Anyway, I got carried away creating my own story because the truth is, there’s only one storyline here and his name is Chad. In fact, The Chadchelorette is now a thing. Evan has declared himself number one instigator this week with a routine solely focused on Chad’s steroid use. Lil Alex cheers him on from the crowd because someone smaller than him is taking on his battle. There’s a wrinkle in Evan’s plan when Chad tries to tear his shirt clean off his body. I cheered and then quickly waivered in my support for Chad when I saw that his tactic was to plant one on JoJo instead of telling a sex story. She cheeks him SO HARD and it’s cringeworthy to say the least. Evan’s feeling pretty giddy post-show for having almost been hung by his own v-neck but Chad is there to make him flinch and bring him back down to earth. Chad is also bleeding from his altercation with the stage door. But that’s neither here nor there.

At the night portion, we could talk about how Jordan dances around the fact that he probably (if Instagram has anything to say about it, definitely) cheated on his ex girlfriend and Alex weirdly tells JoJo that he’s ride or die. OR we could talk about how Chad sits approximately 1 foot away from JoJo and Nick and whistles a tune until they’re forced to move locations. We can also share a giggle about how Chad’s shirt rage really stemmed from a little movie theater pet peeve. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU LET THE OTHER PERSON OUT OF THE ROW BEFORE YOU GO IN. If I had a nickel for every shirt I ripped when someone got up to go to the bathroom at Regal! Evan, still high off of his seriously unfunny standup act, demands an apology from Chad and a new shirt.

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Chad werks that spin zone and by the end of this confrontation, I begin to believe that Evan’s actually the bully. Except he’s not a bully. He’s a loser. A loser with a skinny wiener. He declares to JoJo that if Chad stays, he will have to leave. As I begin to sing Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, HEYYYEYYYYYEYYY GOODBY—WHAT!??!?! EVAN GOT A ROSE?! I didn’t even need to scream at my TV because Chad does it for me when he asks JoJo “is this a real scenario right now?” Well?! ANSWER THE QUESTION JOJO. DID YOU REALLY JUST KEEP A SPAGHETTI STRAP TANKTOP WEARIN’ MAN WHO KISSED YOU, THEN WHISPER-SANG TO THE CAMERA IN A HIGH FALSETTO, “Boys guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!” Not only did Evan really stick to his guns there, but he also managed to creep the world out in about 30 seconds. Congrats you big weirdo.

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Let’s Kick it Old School with James Taylor

Rrrrighttt, like we’re to believe that JoJo can drive a vintage whip without power steering. HOKAY. A lady whose easily 100 gives James Tay and JoJo swing dance lessons. James gets pretty sweaty. JoJo looks like an old Hollywood dream, of course. The “surprise” is that they dance with other swing dancers for one song. Cool. James is excited about everything. I’m excited for them to cut to Chad manhandling a sweet potato.

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That night, JoJo is concerned because she likes James childlike wonder but doesn’t necessarily want to mount him. James reveals that his nickname in school was Luke Longneck (better than being compared to Squidward—amirite Grant?!) He feels like JoJo is out of his league…probably because she is. JoJo can’t reject him after that confession without looking like a real B, so he gets a rose. Since James is the guitar guy, he HAS to bust out the axe and sing a whiny original to JoJo. Picture yourself sitting directly next to a guy who is serenading you with a lame song. Would you play dead? (I would.) Instead, JoJo cries. Nailed it.

Tensions are apparently so high back at the ranch that the guys force security guards to walk the perimeter of the bachelor mansion in case Chad gets the urge to rip any more shirts. Daniel tries to level with Chad by comparing him to Hitler and asking if he could maybe dial it back to Mussolini. Chad ponders as he bites into a head of lettuce. He’s probably still pondering when Evan decides to act suuuuper mature for a 33-year-old dad, and tattle to Chris Harrison. C. Harrison tells Chad to settle the problem, Chad hears “create a Bachelorette death match”, and Evan just doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. HE’S JUST EXHAUSTED, GUYS. We’re left in the lurch for tonight’s episode because the cocktail party has been cancelled, and instead we will get probably a full hour of a gangbang pool party. Bonus points if legs are cut off and torsos are thrown into the pool. Getchyo drinks ready because it’s about to pop OFF tonight and I will daydream of floating torsos until then.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/30/16

I feel bad that we haven’t JUiced together in a while (if that sounds disgusting to you, pls know that I laughed while typing it.) And although there were only a couple noteworthy news stories this week, I still decided to post, y’know FOR ALL MY FANZ.

1. Tayvin is dunzo.

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After a little over a year…or as every news media outlet feels the need to point out FIFTEEN MONTHS (as if their relationship was a newborn baby that goes by age in months until they turn 5) T and C have broken up. It is rumored that Calvin ended it, and the two broke the “silence” about it a day after the announcement with:

So like, it’s over. They probsicles won’t get back together and the world will keep turning. Were they a hawt AF couple? Duhs. Since I’ve built a blog on my snarky hot takes I’m just going to throw it out into the breeze that not too long ago Taylor decided to chop all her hair off and bleach it real hard, also changing her look to 90’s grunge in the process. I’m not SPECIFICALLY saying that this was the cause of the breakup but like… come on. Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus ended their engagement rrrriiiight around the same time that Miley buzzed her head and started dressing like an off-duty stripper. Jus sayin. Tossing it right out there and you can feel free to toss it right back. I look forward to whatever hunk Tay snags in the future and hopefully an entire album full of All Too Well’s.

2. Zay-Gi is dunzo. (Did we ever even have a couple name for them? Whatever.)

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After seven months of dating and a suuuuper weird music video for Zayn’s solo debut, these two have also called it quits. I mean, they really crushed the Met Ball red carpet but other than that I pretty much had no investment in this relationship. Zayn’s kind of a turd for leaving 1D just so he could release a couple songs with F bombs in them that hint at bedroom times. GiGi’s a smokeshow and realistically Zayn was outkicking his coverage in the first place. Guess that means the SQUAD IS SINGLE (please read in WOO girl voice). Selena, GiGi and Tay about to be out wrecking dick this summer. Was that too graphic? Good. SQUAD SUMMER COMMENCE. (Hey girls, give me a call if someone’s out sick one night and you need another single lady to hit the town with.)

3. The Hills is 10 years old.

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10 years ago this week, we were introduced to a few 19 year olds who were juggling “work” and play in LA. That means 10 years ago I was dreaming of the day, when I too, was old enough to live by myself in the city and party hardy. Joke was really on me when I learned that young adulthood bloooows IRL when you don’t have a producer paying for everything. Anyway, usually the first to pretend The Hills didn’t exist, LC addressed the anniversary and announced a special to air August 2nd on MTV for the fans. It will include BTS stories and answer fan questions. YAAASSSSSSSS. Thanks for my belated bday gift, LC. THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED. Then they took it one step too far and are supposedly shopping a movie idea around (which LC has yet to sign on for…good call.) The rough plot is modeled after a Sex & The City movie and will catch up with the ladies in their marriages/baby life. NO. THANKS. That literally sounds HORRIBLE. Following a bunch of morons around as they navigated their 20’s on “reality” tv? Gold. Following a bunch of moms for a 2 hour movie? Dirt. Here’s hoping that never happens and instead we get a kickass special where Stephanie Pratt finally tells us she’s learned the difference between a hamster and a guinea pig.

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4. Put your muffs away, ladies.

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OH IF IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE. BY. ALL. MEANS.

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This isn’t cute. This is junderwear. Junderwear is when Daisy Dukes get so short and tight that they basically just morph into your undercarriage and you’re essentially rolling around in a jean diaper. To be clear, this isn’t me body-shaming. I have a pair of jorts that slowly over time (100 pizzas and donuts later) turned into junderwear and I acknowledge the fact that they are such. IT DOESN’T MAKE THEM SEXY. IT JUST MAKES THEM JUNDIES. Regardless, this is it’s own headline on the JUice because I’m sick of famous ladies being like hey check out my RB curtains, IT’S FOR FEMINISM or IT’S FOR GUN CONTROL! LoLzzzz! Seeing a lady’s basement does not make me think harder about problems facing our world, and then influence me to take action. And that’s just a fact. THESE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH REASONS TO SHOW OFF YOUR BITS. And that seems preeeetttttyyyyyyy obvious. End. Rant.

5. Here’s a music video that made me confused.

Timeflies released a music video for their catchy jam Once in a While. Except it’s pretty weird. Either way I didn’t have five things to talk (type-yell) about this week so just enjoy this beat, feast your eyes on Cal and wonder what the motive was behind having a girls’ eyes spazz out and wink one at a time for a music video. That pool party looked fun though…my invite must’ve gotten lost in the mail.

PS Happy National Donut Day! I waited until I was safely in the confines of my vehicle to go to town on my frosted treat. Unfortunately, I was still technically at work and was caught red-handed taking a donut selfie. Whoops. Sometimes bragging to others is more important than actually enjoying the donut. Which I did. Real hard.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Chad Came for the Free Meats

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“Hey you hurt our feelings, we’re a bunch of butthurt dudes…”

 

Blowin up Limos with Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, Robby

There’s a blazin limo in the bach driveway but have no fear because JoJo hops out of a fire truck dressed as a slutty firefighter in a skin tight white tank and gives everyone boners, free of charge. The competition is how to be a firefighter and Grant, the real life firefighter probably will be a natural at this. Wells the radio DJ, not so much. He may know All-4-One but he can’t play with hoses. It’s rock bottom for him when the instructor demands that he get some water in front of the rest of the guys. YIKES. That’s like when my gym teacher used to call me out for walking the mile. Shamed for days. Wells finally has to lie down for a little while because the water wasn’t healing his near death experience. It’s then when I have my AHA moment. JoJo comes over to him and suddenly he’s cured just from being touching distance from those knockers. It’s an open and shut case of Wells pulling the Squints drowning for a Wendy Peffercorn smooch. I see you, Wells. (He later wins a pity rose for this performance.) Snake it till you make it, bro. If you’ll recall, Squints and Wendy went on to have 9 kids. Back to the competition, Grant wins it, as he should. If he didn’t win this game, he 100% should’ve changed career paths. PS how many MF’ing fire puns can we fit in one date? Answer: all of them.

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Later, Luke in his T-Bird leather jacket says, “I’m so glad to like…..beeee here.” No seriously, that was his opening line to JoJo, said like he was a basic bitch. He talks about his history in the military and how he’s had a few serious relationships. Then they tongue. (Update: I still can’t figure out why I hate Luke but I want to punch him square in the face.)

While the boys are at the date, Chad straps his suitcase full of protein powder to his dick and does some pull-ups. The rest of the gents watch and laugh at him. Then James Taylor leads them in a campfire song called “JoJo” and Chad sulks in the kitchen. I’ve never gone from hating someone so much to siding with them so quickly.

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Love is Full of Choices with Derek

The premise of this date is that signs are placed in front of their powder blue vintage convertible and they have to decide on the count of three. They both decide sky and OMG THEY’RE SO COMPATIBLE. North or South? They (JoJo) pick North and they better keep their head on a swivel for South because he was PRETTY PISSED they didn’t choose him. While flying to San Fran in a private jet, Derek and JoJo play thumb war with both hands, at the same time. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. In the end they picnic at the Golden Gate Bridge and it’s pretty vanilla.

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Later at dinner, JoJo repeats everything that they did that day. As if we didn’t watch it and they didn’t live it. Then they talk about past relationships and Derek closed himself off because he thought he was getting married and there “was another person involved in that.” Which is a weird and long-ass way to say he got cheated on. They’re on the same page about trying to be more open. Derek’s cute and all but this date was boring as hell. The grand finale is making out in front of a Technicolor water fountain. Obviously Derek gets rosed.

Meanwhile, on the Chad show, he makes a really intelligent analogy about how if he blended the dudes in the house into a protein shake, they wouldn’t win this show. WOW Chad, what a brainteaser. #DudeProteinShakes should be trending forever. It will also probably be the name of his pending blog and exercise powder sponsorship, post-show. Although to give him credit, he’s talking to Daniel during this musing of men and shakes and I’m sure that made COMPLETE sense to the Canadian male model who still thinks Damn Daniel is relevant. They’re both wearing frat tanks during this convo, because of course.

 

“Prove Your Love To Me and the Nation” with Jordan, Christian, Nick, James Taylor, Alex, Chad

JoJo “is on” Sports Nation where she gives only the hottest of takes on Steph Curry’s career. HOT GIRL LOVES SPORTS! Not a cliché at all! The hosts of Sports Nation conduct a series of tests for the men in the ESPN studio. First they practice their touchdown dances with a rose. They’re all equally as embarrassing and I wish to revisit none of them. Then they play dizzy bat but instead of chugging a beer, they have to propose to JoJo. Remind me to never suggest this as a party game. Chad is like hey marry me, ho and then calls her naggy. Good combo. In the press conference portion, the bruhs are asked serious questions about marriage and JoJo. James Taylor obviously sings his answer. (DOES HE EVER NOT SING?!) Everyone calls Chad out for being a doucheroni and he defends himself by being completely honest and saying he wants to get to know JoJo before he says he loves her. Then fires back at the gang for never seeing a beautiful girl before. Truthbomb city. The hosts wearing basketball sneaks with suits pick the top three in descending order: Alex, Chad, and James Tay as the numero uno. Chad thinks the rest of the guys here are a bunch of sissy wieners.

At the hang afterward, James Tay creeps all up in JoJo. He tells her, “a smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from the inside.” What? As if that wasn’t confusing enough, he then reads aloud a note that basically just lists his interests? I don’t know. JoJo tears up for some reason, which leads me to believe she’s practicing her acting for future career moves because in no way would someone saying they sometimes like chick flicks make a bitch cry. Regardless, they kiss and James ends up with a rose. So apparently his constant singing only annoys me? Whatever.

In other group date hang news, Alex sits in a giant chair you find at Cape Cod beaches, further highlighting his midget status. And Chad talks about how hard he works, not allowing him to have a relationship. Yeah okay, Chad. THAT’S why you’re single. Then he tells JoJo that he inherited a dog from his mom and JoJo was like omgg are you and your mom close? INHERITED, JOJO. AKA she has passed. It only happened about six months ago and that seems like a red flag that he was casj about it. They make out and JoJo feels better about Chad acting like a dick all day because he opened up to her.

Cocktail Party

This is when Chad really starts to derail, and by derail I mean turn into me when I attend a party with free food. But first, he greets JoJo at the limo to tell her that he worked out that day and avoided all of the other brosephs in the house. JoJo is all about that bad boy life so she eats this shit right up. He gives her a smooch and she says thank you.

Then the rest of the guys do the thing I hate the most on Bachelor(ette)….they gang up on Chad for getting more time with JoJo. It’s embarrassing and pathetic that they’re attacking someone for being more strategic than them and it makes me want to like Chad. I guess I’m into bad boyz too. While they’re scolding him for talking to JoJo, Chad goes IN on a meat stick and I respect tha hell out of this tactic. He then fills plate after plate of lunchmeats and wangz, savagely tossing them down his throat while everyone else judges real hard.

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Where’s the fat shaming during the Bachelor? Have we ever even seen the women eat or does their diet consist solely of white wine while they’re filming? DOUBLE STANDARD. After Chad feels satisfied with his pre-bedtime snack of meats, he cuts lil Alex off so he can tell JoJo how much he likes her. And then, just to prove that he can, he doubles back and does it again to ED guy. To be clear, cutting in on ED guy is a walk in the park. This guy is such a lamewad with his stupid hair and weird job that I’m wondering how he’s still kicking on this show. Chad could’ve given him a noogie while he was stealing JoJo and I probably would’ve cheered him on from my couch. Realistically all he needed to do was get Daniel in there to poke Evan’s belly button and it would’ve been game over.

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Either way, by the end of last night’s episode I loved Chad a lot. It helps that he gave us quotes like: “Shes’s gonna keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short people.” Hey Chad’s just telling it like it is and packing on the protein. Haters gonn’ hate, Alex’s gonn’ be short.

Roses: Wells, Derek, James Taylor, Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick, Vinny, Evan, Chad

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Movies, Television

Best of the DCOM’s

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I’ve been saying I would write this blog since I started The Salty Ju and nothing motivated me more than Disney announcing a MDW DCOM marathon and excluding some of my faves. So here’s the must-see list of the ole Disney classics whether you catch them on Disney this weekend or online…they’re worth a relive for nostalgia and mad LOLZ. Disclaimer: After doing further research, it turns out some of my faves that were left off the list are technically not DCOM’s as they were funded as feature films (which would explain why they have more star power.) Guess who doesn’t care? Moi. Were they on Disney? Yes. Did I watch them fo’ free? Yes. Then they’re Disney Channel Original Movies. End of discussion. Let’s rank.

Honorable Mention: Motocrossed

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I can pretty much tell you almost nothing about this movie but it’s on this list because Riley Smith. I think I only saw it the one time but if I know anything, it’s 90’s teen heartthrobs and Riley was top dog. This flick is supposed to be Disney’s dipping their toe into the waters of feminism but all I can think about is those baby blues in his lime green jumpsuit. But anyway, this chick kneeling in the front of this picture wants to be one of the boys and race with them in place of her brother so she chops off her hair and does just that. Pretty sure she also falls for Riley, because who wouldn’t? Sincerely praying she got a peek at him in the locker room, She’s the Man style.

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10. Double Teamed

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Don’t be such a bunch of pervs. This movie is about sports and twins, duh. Based on a true story (see, Disney was educational!) high school twins play volleyball togets then they had to move and start dabbling in basketball. I remember this movie being hilarious because they claimed to have that twin sense that made them like 1 trillion times better at sports. Like one would look for the other to pass to and telepathically through twin-ikenisis she would know to run to that corner and catch it. It was such a load of bullshit. Not to mention they apparently didn’t have the budget to cast actual twins, or like, just the same person like Lohan in The Parent Trap, so the two actresses looked nothing alike. There’s no way you can be in each other’s brains and not even be related! Whatever, they made it to the WNBA. Spoiler alert. Not bitter or anything. Twin bogus.

9. Gotta Kick it Up!

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I distinctly remember watching this one on premiere night with my sister and then us yelling Si Se Puede at each other for roughly an entire summer. Did it apply to anything we used it for? Probably not. But it was in Spanish and made us sound super exotic. This is the Latin flava movie and gave me some new spicy dance moves to try out no where because I have no rhythm. This random red-headed teacher in the movie did, though because she got doooowwwwnn and showed the dance team how to win.

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Bonus points for America Ferrera crushing it as Yolanda. Every time she danced solo everyone chanted “Go Yoli, Go Yoli.” What a firecracker.

[Editor’s Update: My sister just kindly reminded me that we had an obsession with neon highlighter window markers around the same time this movie came out and at one point each had Si Se Puede written on our bedroom windows. What a hip family we were. You know, if the definition of hip is carefully planning each month what quotes and doodles to draw on our windows with craft markers for no one to see but us and our probably 3 friends.]

8. The Luck of the Irish

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A St. Patrick’s Day staple on the Disney Channel, other top Disney hottie Ryan Merriman stars in this REAL weird number about Leprechauns. He casually finds out his mom is one, as Irish families sometimes do, and then has to get a coin back or something? I don’t really remember. What I do remember is his mom fitting in his pocket, him growing some pointy ears/bleached tips, and his grandpa being named Reilly O’Reilly. So I guess he’s pretty Irish. Also Kyle (Ryan Merriman) has to fight this evil leprechaun in a rowdy game of bball. And he is terrifying.

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7. Pixel Perfect

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This one got a little creepy BUT also gave me a fresh crush. Ricky Ullman was the leading male and also starred in my middle school locker via a Google image of him printed on fresh white computer paper. Smooches, Ricky. Anyway, he’s a nerd (and the glasses really work in his favor in this movie) so he creates a robot girl and then tries to cash in on her as a singer. He also falls in love with her and his BFF Sam is crushed because he likes a robot better than her.

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I’m pretty sure the jig was up when Ricky tried to smooch Loretta the hologram. CAN’T HAVE RELATIONS WITH COMPUTER IMAGES, BRO! Bonus points for the soulful songs that I most certainly ripped off Limewire.

 

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6. The Cheetah Girls

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There will never be a cooler friend group than the cheetah girls. Cause they had a cool handshake, and they sang rad songs, and they’re cheetah SISTAAAAHHHHS. Seriously though, those matching velour jumpsuits were on point and in a day when 3LW and their promithes, promithes were all the rage, this movie was the shit. Even their names–Galleria, Chanel, Aqua and Dorinda? Who the hell came up with these?!Remember when they rescued that little dog basically just by singing to it? Modern day heroes is what they are. You heard Chanel, You BEST respect the Cheetah Girls.

 

5. Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

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Describing this movie makes it sound SUUUUUPER dumb. But at the time, watching it gave me like a hundo new cool phrases to drop at the lunch table. Zetus Lapetus, you brought Doritos today?! Zenon wore neon colors and lived in space with her BFF Nebula…except she was punished by being sent to Earth. Earth sucks. We don’t have a cool AF spiky haired singer named Proto Zoa who croons “there’s no gravity between us, our love is automatic.” We have Bieber. Yuck. Props to Disney for playing right into the porcupine hair trend that was hot in the streets in the early 2000’s. Boys, you were a nobody unless you had a gelled front spike, preferably with bleached tips and that is obvious. All I ever wanted to be was Proto Zoa’s Supernova Girl, MAJOR!!!! (Now that I’ve reminded myself how stupid space talk is, I’m going to force it into every conversation for the next month until my friends want to murder me.)

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4. High School Musical

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I’m only counting the first one as a throwback classic because the second movie was dirt and the third hit theaters (and is still a bangpiece of a film.) Who would have thought theater kids could be cool in high school? Troy totes didn’t when he sneaky discovered that he loves to sing like a bird but feels REAL guilty because WHAT WILL HIS FELLOW BALLERS THINK? Bonus points for two high school freshman (I’m assuming they were infants) finding love via open mic on vacation. They really stuck it through too. Wildcats 4 lyfe. No movie scene will ever beat Troy stopping mid-dribble to sing himself through a mental breakdown. Quickest way to make me laugh out loud is to re-live that soliloquy.

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3. Life-Size

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Back when Lohan was still fairly well-adjusted and Tyra Banks wasn’t telling everyone to kiss her fat ass on daytime telly, we had another majestical and realistic story via Disney. Eve the Barbie has come to life through a magic spell and even though she has an endless closet and career choices in playworld, real life is ROUGH for her. Get used to it, Eve. The good news is that if she ever finds herself in a bind she can just sing her way out of it. WHERE YOU LIVE, WHERE YOU ARE BE A STAAAARRRRRR!

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Bonus points for feminism when we see that Barbie is actually a total asshole with a razzle dazzle raincoat and firecracker red nails who can’t work or cook to save a life. #ROLEMODEL That is, until her little tomboy friend Casey teaches her about life and makes her dad fall in love with a doll. Normal stuff.

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2. Wish Upon A Star

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I’m nothing if not dedicated and since this was one of my favorites, I re-watched it so that I could remember all the gems. And boy was this edgy for Disney. It’s your typical body switching movie, except that for a network that created a high school movie series where the couple doesn’t have their first kiss until the third movie…THIRD MOVIE (coughtroyandgabriellacough), this was risqué. Alexia Wheaton is the older and much more popular sister with the hot boyfriend—obviously named Kyle.

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Haley Wheaton could be a body double for Travis Birkenstock from the movie Clueless.

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As revenge for switching bodies, they each try to F the other one over, Haley (in Alexia’s body) gets her neck munched on by her sister’s boyfriend and Alexia (in Haley’s body) does a quick strip tease atop the lunch tables in a dominatrix outfit. You know, totally normal high school stuff.

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In this town there’s casually mad shooting stars and they have like 100 chances to switch back, no biggie. Bonus points for the frosted lipstick, white sparkly eye shadow and construction workers getting boners for 16 year olds. Also might I add that no matter what body switching occurs, I would never be down with sharing my BF with my sister and allowing them to tongue each other.

1. Model Behavior

modelbehavior

Ohhhh I don’t even know where to begin with this movie because everything about it is too great. Right off the bat, N*SYNC’s “Here We Go” in the opening credits with a camcorder at a high school party is such a hot start. Another life switching movie that ends in a high school dance (do you see a trend here with my favorite DCOM’s?) Janine the famous model just wants to be a regular teen and Alex the social outcast just wants to bang JT, I mean Jason Sharpe. Don’t we all, honey, don’t we all. I’d like to point out that this movie just further convinced pre-teen Julia that she had a shot with any celeb if this weirdo who makes her own costume-like clothes can get JT. Anyway, apparently if you pull your hair up and rock a pair of dark framed glasses, you’re a completely different human. WHO KNEW?!

modelbehaviortwins

Jason may seem like a player but that’s all tabloid fodder, he’s really just modeling to pay for grad school…where he will study astronomy. Are we to believe that someone old enough to attend or think about attending grad school is willing to roll through a high school dance just for a smooch?

jt

On the other hand, Janine the model is “park your car directly in the apartment” kind of rich and ends up slumming it with Eric Singer, the popular jerk at school. Eric Singer is a hawt name but his personality is mud.

ericsinger

Bonus points for Janine’s assistant Monique who has a mushroom cut and speaks like PeeWee Herman because every time she opens her mouth I laugh out loud.

monique

Also the pervy brother who waits outside of a ladies bathroom with a camcorder just to catch his sister on video. Bruh, did anything about that seem off? And finally the lolworthy confessional that occurred in the middle of the school dance with parents, little bros and potential boyfriends present. Oh, and Nobody’s Angel, appearing as: Nobody’s Angel. Best. Movie. Ever.

modbehavioroutfits

nobodysangel

 

Catch some of these movies this weekend: Click here for full schedule Unfortunately the top three will not be playing, but it’s possible they will be avail online. BOOOOOOOO. I don’t know why I’m complaining, I just set my DVR to tape roughly 20 movies. HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, ‘MURICA!

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville-“Maybe You’ll Appreciate Me Someday”

(Ehhh…probably not.)

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OH BOY. We are finished. The series of Nashville is dunzo (until they grovel so hard for a spot on Hulu and I pretend it no longer exists.) I counted down the minutes this episode, urging everyone to get their shit together by the very last frame. And they did. Sort of.

Let’s start with some LoLz. Colt facetiming Luke from “the army” wearing a camo bucket hat. They really made that one believable. How did he get his ass kicked for defending his dad’s liberal views and yet doesn’t get his ass kicked for rocking that bucket hat? Seems fishy, is all.

Let’s check in with Maddie for a hot sec. She’s still doing the NYC thing and upon meeting her producer, takes a kissy-faced selfie with him. SHE’S SO MATURE AND DESERVING OF AN EMANCIPATION. While shamelessly stalking their daughter on Instagram, Rayna reveals that Maddie’s producer Vince is the same one who tried to give her some unsolicited kissing back in the day. Deacon’s all, you don’t say! As he puts on his readers and goes in for a closer look. Just don’t accidentally double tap, Deacon! Every insta-creepers’ worst fear. Rayna somehow escaped the clutches of Vince back then (probably by flipping her magic hair and telling him to suck it) but she’s pretty concerned about Maddie. Probably because Maddie’s an idiot who would probably ask Vince mid-rape if he would mind posing for a quick snapchat (with the dog filter obvi.)

That may seem like a harsh assumption but when Vince drops the “I’m having some people by my private studio, you should stop by” line and Cash the wannabe is like WE’RE SO THERE, it doesn’t reeeaaallyy seem like a great idea. The second they walk in Maddie has her dumb phone out for a selfie. I want to hulk smash that phone out of her hand. More to come on the Maddie front but I’m irrationally angry about what a moron she is at the moment.

So we’re going to chat about Scarlett, whose southern accent gets more hick every time I hear it. My ears will be #blessed without it penetrating them every week. After another encouraging chat from that manager who’s only lines have been about headshots and tour offers up until this very last episode (cheers to you for finally getting your time to shine as a character in the series finale, guy) Scarlett decides to word vom it up to Gunnar that she loves him. Aaaand then Big Red comes tromping in like bull in china shop and is all omgggg you told her we’re together?! Die away from me, Red. She then manipulates Gunnar to believe Scarlett doesn’t really mean it, the Exes break up for a hot second, manager flexes his acting skills again with another pep talk and bingo bango, you’ve got a live Exes reunion when Gunnar plants one on Scarlett mid-concert. This generates an AWWWW for all normal people, and hysterical laughter from me. Be more predictable, Nashville. You can’t.

JK they totes can because guess whose garbage can devious plan went up in flames around her? Laaaaaayla. (Pls sing in Eric Clapton voice for full effect.) As she sees her sham of a publicity relationship with Avery going downhill, she calls in an anonymous tip to the paps that Juliette killed the Jeffster. There’s lawsuits and headlines and Juliette’s like whatever I’m over it, let’s do this thing. Kind of pokes a hole in Magnum Layla PI’s course of action here. I’ve never seen someone try so hard just to date a guy with a flavor savor. Gross. Glenn loses his shit on Layla, knowing exactly what she did and fires her. When you get yelled at by Glenn, you know you’ve hit rock bottom. At the same damn time, Luke tells Avery that Layla has known forever and it’s byeee bye bye bye bye to her career…and relashe. Juliette comes clean at the Oscars, proving how much she’s matured and Avery is like okay you may come back to us now that I know you almost offed yourself just because I divorced you. So everything’s roses for mommy, daddy and forever screeching baby Cadence. Right?

In the trend of full-circle character development, now that Will has decided to speak of his gayness on a political talk show, he’s fully embracing the community. He rallies some wily gays in Atlanta via Kevin (who’s newly single) to protest outside of Cynthia’s studio. In turns into a quick pop-up concert with a duet between Luke and Will that has Kevin soaking his undies out in the audience. Will finally gets his shot to appear on the show, crushes it, obviously and then gets some sage advice from Luke about going after Kevin. “You never know if you’ll get a second chance, until you take a chance.” Wow, Luke. That was PROFOUND. Sounds like it belongs in one of your shitty songs. Either way, both boys take that chinese proverb to heart. Kevin and Will are back at it again and not one for leaving a character without a happy ending—Luke tries to reunite with his ex-wife who we never once heard anything about and even chats it up with his daughter. Cause like, apparently he has other kids too, who didn’t witness a man tumble to his death and then join the army to escape it.

Alright, now that we’ve tied up all of our supporting characters’ lives neatly with a bow, let’s get back to the insufferable Maddie and her forever front-facing camera. Rayna can’t figure out a way to warn her because as Desperate Deacon points out, “she blocked us on Twitter!” Gawd, can you imagine your mom tweeting at you not to get raped by your producer? #AWKWARD. Rayna does her one better and pens an open letter to Huff Post. This is why you never underestimate Rayna James. Oh, I can’t call my daughter? Cool, I’ll just have my message to her published in a national newspaper in five minutes. Boom. Roasted.

Deacon continues to cr33p so hard on Maddie’s insta, refreshing it every 30 seconds—and this is why parents shouldn’t be on social media—but lookie, lookie, finds her #PartyAtVincesHouse post. For someone whose constantly on social media, that hashtag bloooows. Act like you’ve been here before, Maddie. In fact, I’ll whip up a caption 1000x better for your right meow. How about #PhotobombPervAlert or #WatchOutForViolationVince? I could go on for days. Jus sayin. While Rayna and Daphne sing a duet (only Rayna gets a rhinestoned mic…in due time Daphne, in due time) Maddie finds her mom’s letter and finally stops being a dum dum. Except Vince has Maddie pinned down and Deacon comes plowing through at the exact right second to stop it. So does Cash…cause I guess she’s done chitchatting with Chris Martin (it pains me that they brought Coldplay into this.) BYEEEE CASH!! Hope you had a fun ride on the coattails of a sixteen year old! Deacon brings Maddie home and they all have a life that’s good. Weird. Who called that?

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And that’s all folks! PSYCHE, as Juliette is skipping the Oscars to race home to her fam, her plane has a distress call and she probably died. Guitar Riff. She didn’t win an Oscar either. Tough night for Juliette. But like, at least everyone else lived happily ever after! Even Luke! (Probably not Teddy..) Sucks to suck, Juliette. Thanks for turning into a gr8 person just to maybe die, or at best, get lost at sea. Cause Nashville is surrounded by seas. Ok whatever. Let’s end the series on an uplifting note. Known for his shitty toupees and success relying directly upon Juliette, Glenn has kind of gotten the short end of the stick in this series. But him in those blue glasses at the Oscars? HoT DaMn! What a stud.

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Welp that’s all I got. Thank you for allowing me to shit on this show every week and make it more bearable to watch by poking fun at it. Hope you weren’t banking on a streaming service comeback as much as the writers who stuck us with that cliffhanger were. BYE YA’LL.

connie

(if you ever get lonely and have the nostalgic Nashville feels, hop right onto my playlist for a trip down memory lane of all the best music moments.)

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- This Is What Settling Looks Like

JOJO

“You are the bachelorette, and you are the bachelorette right now.”-Chris Harrison

The first fifteen minutes of this season were dedicated to JoJo staring at the ocean in 5 different outfits (one of them a bikini, her body’s like oookk, whatever) and getting “advice” from former bachelorettes. Kaitlyn’s advice was don’t sleep with a slimeball on TV. JK, she didn’t DIRECTLY say that. But she DID look like a baller in her leather high tops. (I didn’t watch Ali or Desiree’s season and therefore I have no comments for their lame advice.) The ladies ask JoJo if she’s ready to get engaged and she gives a HARD YES. This is why this show is garbage. Oh, and also because we’ve wrangled the largest group of losers I’ve ever seen. JoJo is a knockout smokeshow; unleashing her tits for night one and this is the crack team they’ve assembled to sweep her off her feet? Gimme a break. Let’s go man by man. If you notice someone is missing, it’s because they did nothing noteworthy or I was too busy drinking my sparkly pink wine to notice they existed.

Grant the firefighter.

Grant

Came in HOT (pun intended) with a, “I hope that JoJo is the one that lights my fire.” Ruined it immediately when he exits the limo and tells her that he won’t fall in love with more than one woman like Ben did…he’ll just love her. No shit, Grant. There’s only ONE Bachelorette (may the season of Britt/Kaitlyn RIP), also way to remind her that Ben didn’t love her as much as Lauren. Strike 1.

Jordan, Aaron Rodgers Jr.

Jordan

Jordan gets an opening bit where he tosses the football around in the pouring rain and talks about how he’s jelly of his bro. His last relationship failed because he loved football more and he really contemplates this in that tight Henley of his as fat droplets of water threaten to ruin his floppy head of hair. Jordan’s the first one out the limo and JoJo essentially creams herself. He’s smooth and tells her that his parents met and got engaged quickly and have been married for 37 years. Later, they have a nice chat and he bitches out on the smooch so he circles back for it and JoJo melts away and slobbers over his tight butt and how she needs to do squats. He gets the first impression rose and that’s obvious. He also has erect hair while he receives said rose.

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Alex US Marine.

Alex

Alex‘s twin is also a marine and I’m a little concernicus that when Alex points out how he wants a wife just like his twin’s that he isn’t just suggesting a sister wives scenario so they can have exactly matching lives. Other fun fact about Alex? He’s REAL short. I didn’t really notice this until his feet were dangling off the couch as he chatted it up with JoJo. Then JoJo sits on his back while he does pushups. It would’ve been cute if she wasn’t swaying around and looking like she was doing butt stuff.

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James the Bachelor Superfan.

James S

James does a shirtless intro in the mountains and admits he watches the Bachelor with his mom. He’s a real wiener.

 

Evan the erectile dysfunction guy.

Evan

“A lot of what I do is just pumping up my guys and getting them excited.” You’re barf.com, Evan and your hair is even worse IRL. He didn’t really do anything memorable with JoJo BUT he DID get his belly button poked. Hard. Multiple times. By another man.

Ali the Bartender.

Ali

Ali’s parents are from Iran and all his siblings are doctors. He’s crushing it with mixed drinks though, apparently. And surfing. And catching catfishers on MTV. The first night, he steps out of the limo with creepy wide eyes and probably cuts a lock of JoJo’s hair when he hugs her. Later he tickles the ivories for her because pianos just magically appear outside by the pool.

Christian the IT Guy?

Christian

I don’t actually remember what Christian does but he likes working out at 330 in the morning so I know I would never get along with him. He’s biracial and grew up without a father because his white fam was racist as hell. Still not sure why he’s raising two brothers that look like they could be in college, but I’m guessing it has to do with the dad drama. He seems chill and fairly normal. I can’t recall anything he did at the actual mansion.

Luke the War Veteran

Luke

is a farmer and basically recites the lyrics to small town girl in his opener. Seriously I could’ve been hammered if I drank every time he said “small town”. JK it wouldn’t have been possible with the rosé I was drinking with 6% alcohol. It shouldn’t even be legal to sell wine with no alcohol in it, honestly. Anyway, there’s something that still makes me feel the uncomfies about Luke but he DOES nail the limo exit by riding up on a unicorn horse. It’s cute and unique but does he have a lazy eye? Or what is it that’s creeping me out about Luke? Oh, I know…He describes Ben Higgins as a “soft, supple, smooth guy” Hey ladies, you know how you all hate the word moist? SUPPLE IS MUCH MUCH WORSE. Luke also Gives JoJo legit cowboy boots and I got a flare of jealousy. Then went back to being weirded out by Luke and his supple body.

Derek the commercial banker.

Derek

If you’ll recall I swooned hard over this guy mostly just from his pic. Baby blues for days. Unfortunately he was boring as hell last night. He called himself a nerd and was real nervsies. Get it together, Derek. WE NEED YOU.

Robby the swimmer

Robby

came with a bottle of wine and tells JoJo to drink from the bottle true to Fletcher family tradition. I like his style here except that he whisper talks and reminds me a touch of a serial killer. He also looks like CGI, so I’m pretty much out on Robby. Good effort.

Will (my kinda #1 pick)

Will

stepped out of the limo and dropped cards as part of a dumb bit. It fell flat. But not as flat as when he started unsolicited kissing JoJo via a cootie catcher. YIKES I’m done with Will. I apologize for ever steering you wrong but I’m not down with lip raping.

Chad

Chad

was weird and talked REAL close then got jelly of everyone else for the rest of the night because that’s what men who say their greatest achievement is “being born good looking” do.

Daniel the Canadian male model.

Daniel

His first words out of the limo are “Damn JoJo, back at it again with the Bachelorette” and it is terrible. He has to explain what Damn Daniel is to her later. Rule number one of comedy, always explain your jokes to death until you get a pity laugh. DAMN DANIEL, YOU’RE HILARIOUS. Daniel then drowns himself in alcohol probably because he relied on a snapchat joke a couple of fourteen year olds created to find his wife. He pokes the ED guy in the belly button a few times, then he strips naked for a quick dip.

James Taylor

James Taylor

is the guitar guy and comes out of the limo singing something dumb and I want him to go away immediately. He goes on about how they’re both from Texas. Except Texas is a massive state and cowboy Luke is working that angle as well.

Jonathan

Jonathan

declares, “I’m half Scottish below the waist” whilst wearing a kilt, therefore squashing all small dick assumptions because he’s Asian. Then he makes it rapey by adding that he’s not wearing any panties. PANTIES. Byebyebyebyebyebye. He sits in the mansion with his legs wide open and this season’s black bar already gets a workout.

Nick

Nick B

is dressed as Santa and gives JoJo a gift from his sack. Instead of saying hohoho, he says JoJoJoJo and I want to chop my ears off and put them in a blender. JoJo sits on his lap, HASHTAG PEDOPHILE. She’s like this should be creepy but it’s totally not. It totally is, JoJo. Then she pulls back his beard to reveal his face drowning in sweat and is like it’s probably best if you keep this on, St. Nick.

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Chase the medical sales rep

Chase

wears a fake stache and uses the “I mustache you a question but I think I’m going to shave it for later.” Graphic tees all over the world rejoice.

Sal

Sal

gives JoJo blue balls to squeeze.

 

Coley

Coley

tells a cheesy real estate joke and talks about how his nieces/nephews call him Uncle Co. And tries to sell that they could be Co and Jo. How about no?

Brandon the hipster

Brandon

is SO gross. He proves he is absolutely not a hipster when he tosses an overplayed “Damn Daniel” into the breeze as Daniel dives into the pool. HIPSTERS DON’T WATCH VIRAL VIDEOS, BRANDON YOU FRAUD. Also what a blow to have Coley and Brandon get out of the limo B2B. JoJo was probably like will I ever find an attractive male again?

Nick S. the bandanna wearing dog

Nick S

drops into a split upon meeting JoJo then proceeds to get sloppy drunk.

Vinny the barber

Vinny

gives her a piece of toast then thinks he’s auditioning for the Jersey Shore, gets hammered and crashes JoJo’s confessional. Act like you’ve ever drank before, bruh.

Peter the dirt stache

Peter

gives her a stuffed heart and wants to be her MCM.

James F. the boxer trying to be actor

James F

spars with JoJo a little bit but what really makes him stand out is his stance on belly poking: “You never poke another man’s belly button.”

Wells

Wells

uses his radio DJ connects to bring out All-4-One to serenade JoJo with “I Swear”. She doesn’t even know who they are but she eats that shit right up. It then gets a touch annoying when they follow him around all night and won’t stop harmonizing and snapping.

PLOT TWIST: During the rose ceremony, Jake Pavelka rolls in, and he’s apparently a “close family friend.” CLOSE like JoJo’s brothers are with her orrrr? Anyway, he just thought this would be an opportune time to tell her how important it is to find love and give some family friendly advice. And you know, collect another ABC paycheck. THANKS JAKE!! You can take your dad jokes and go home now.

Roses: Jordan, Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Nick, Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, Daniel (ugh the OP/Tony of this season)

Teaser for the season: Jordan probably wins, and apparently Chad turns into a real psychopath and there’s a fight with a LOT of blood. Hey guys, remember when Leah got punched in the face? Yeah, me neither. Nice try, ABC. I don’t trust your sizzle reels for a G-D second. What I do trust is that Chad is a weirdo because I called it so hard. What sane person writes “me in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” as an answer to three separate question? Psychopaths.

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Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap 2016

I would’ve done a red carpet except that I only found roughly 14 pictures and I hated them all. It’s kind of hard to post a blog specifically to razz celebrity outfits when I looked like this while watching the awards last night (and all day out in public yesterday.)

icebox

So instead I’ll give you the full recap breaking down the LoLz and the things that frankly were a NO (Meghan Trainor style) for me. YA NEED TO LET IT GO.

 

Yaassss:

The Weeknd won the first award and in his speech he spoke highly of Prince with, “I didn’t know him but I was close to him.” This sincerely made me laugh out loud.

Shawn Mendes did a supes emosh performance of Stitches that gave me all the feels. I’m already pretty sick of that song but watching him get down and dirty with it was worth it.

Speaking of Worth It, Fifth Harmony showed off how skilled they are at patting the puss Erika Jayne style AND dropping it low. They simultaneously showed off how unskilled they are at singing. Props for this song being a better version of Rihanna’s WERKWERKEWERKWERKWERK annoyingness though. And for suddenly turning at-home-jobs suuuper dirrrty.

Without even knowing it, I took a bathroom break right as Gwen and Blake were performing. So props to me for having a perfectly timed bladder emergency because if I had to sit through that whole butchering of music I would’ve ripped my ears clean off my head. We get it, guys. You’re together. A couple does not a musical collaboration make.

This is what Lukas Graham looks like. And this song bangs. Plus he actually sang it IRL.

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Celine gets the icon award and sings “The Show Must Go On” with a full orchestra and a champagne glitter dress. I mean it was obviously phenomenal but seriously, GIVE US THE HITS, CELINE! Billboard really banked on the waterworks by bringing out her son Rene Charles to present the award and she lost it. What a bunch of assholes these producers are. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. When Celine cries everyone cries. She apologizes and throws up a trib to her late husband. PS Her son is only 15, ya pervs. But he can give me a buzz in like 7 years.

 

The Go Go’s Reunion added some much-needed mom jamz into the mix. Watching those sassy middle aged women mom snap all over the stage was gr8. Also reminded me of the days when my mom would play The Bangles for us and we would crush the choreography. Meanwhile, every tween in the audience checked Twitter during this number.

Adele looked like a dime piece in the “Send my Love (to your new lover)” music video. Otherwise it was boring AF.

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Rihanna wore a furry animal’s tail around her neck and double decker sunglasses to do a slow jam in green lighting. It wasn’t Work and it wasn’t Bitch Better Have My Money so it was welcome by me.

Demi SLAY BITCH Lovato:

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Ariana brought out her bad gurl side.

 

Nahhh:

Britney is the opener because the show is in Vegas and she currently has a residency there. I guess I missed the part where she turned into a full on robot because her dancing was cringeworthy during this medley of hits. Lip syncing was really on point though. Hey is there a show where celebrities can dress up, dance terribly and not sing? Her body’s still tight as hell, so at least she’s got that going for her.

As new host, Ciara shakes her lady bits all over the stage while Russell Wilson nutted just from watching, front row. (They don’t have sex, guys.) Even Luda was like CHECK OUT DEM LEGS, GUYS. As he mopped up drool slobbering from his mouth.

ciara'slegs

Pink tossed it back to the year 2014 when she graced every awards show with an acrobatic ribbon routine. Except this time she just whipped through the crowd on a spinning clock, touched onstage to sing her song then was lifted with a clock hand at the end. SO ALICE IN WONDERLAND. SO OVER IT.

pinkclock

Tove Lo and Nick Jonas pitched their way through “Close” and then teased a smooch at the end. Tongue was honestly the only thing that could’ve saved that performance. Except Nick couldn’t even reach her mouth. Wittle guy.

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Kesha gives this dramatic and controversial performance (cough cough Dr. Luke) and yet WEARS A HIDEOUS WHITE SUIT WITH GLITTER DECALS AND BANGS. Like I get that it’s frowned upon to talk shit about this because she’s been through some shit this year but come on. Ben Folds tickled the ivories and she covered a Bob Dylan song. At least she changed it up and showed she actually has a good voice.

kesha

Madonna sings “Nothing Compares 2 U” for Prince. Stevie Wonder then stumbled out for a little Purple Rain. It was just like…fine.

madonna

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Nashville, Television

Nashville “It’s Sure Gonna Hurt”

eltonjohn

The time has come. ABC has spoken and Nashville is dunzo. IT’S ALL OVER CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. Okay sorry. If that sounded celebratory it’s because it 100% WAS. When your show goes off the rails, has storylines a monkey could write and becomes a chore to watch, it’s time to get the ax and I’m just glad that ABC finally saw that. What once was a show with phenomenal music and spicy love triangles turned into predictable garbage and I think this is the proper time to bid it farewell. Especially now that everyone is in a position to get back togets and love each other for a life that’s good. (Except Maddie, YIKES.) I’m going to promptly ignore the desperate pleas of the cast/fans to get it picked up somewhere else like Hulu or Netflix because after next week, Nashville is dead to me.

Moving on from the good word and onto last night’s episode where they decided to add fuel to the already flaming dumpster fire by creating a cameo from the ear-shattering cast of The View. Luke makes yet another appearance to wave that rainbow flag while Will sits at home with his feet up, chatting with daddy. The dramatics continue when Luke finds out Colt got jumped at boot camp because of the gay pride tour Luke has been on lately. Except it turns out that Colt actually threw the first punch because he was defending dear ole dad. Back in Nashville, a gay guy hides in the shadows at Will’s house to confrontationally tell him that Will’s coming out made him comfortable in his own skin. This seems like an aggressive thing to do just to encourage someone to speak up. Either way, it works and Will is like k I’m ready to talk about being gay now. ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

Red AKA Autumn Chase is going to see her BFF Elton John perform in Boston and poaches Gunnar for the trip while Scarlett the little Dutch boy (that hat though) goes to shoot a solo commercial in Chicago. Gunnar sings with Elton onstage and Scarlett has a super d33p convo with the pushy photographer. On what planet does a photographer hired for a shoot kick everyone out and sit down with the subject for therapy? Anyway, after their chat Scarlett boohoos real hard and we get a quick flashback of early Scarnnar days when they were just babies making beautiful music and lovin all up on each other. This forces Scarlett to admit that she loves Gunnar rriiiiiighhhtttt about the same time that Gunnar bangs Autumn “can’t take a hint” Chase because he felt guilty taking all her celeb favors for free.

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In other, couples that should be together and will be by the series finale news, Avery and Juliette are slowly finding out that their flings are stupid. Layla and Avery are acting couply as shit, which is pretty vomit inducing. Until Avery sees that Noah West has stopped by Juliette’s for the evening and he gets jelly belly of Noah playing dad to his demon child. Stressed about it, he nearly saunters offstage at the FAKE Bluebird mid-performance to answer his cell when he sees that Juliette’s calling.

Juliette and Noah go on their first “date”, which consists of taking care of an infant that screams every time two adults try to kiss and then watching Tommy Boy. Noah thinks Tommy Boy is the worst movie ever and Juliette loves it so she breaks up with him because they have NOTHING in common. At least she gave him a fair shot.

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And lastly, Deacon and Rayna are in couples therapy cause they’re DYSFUNCTIONAL AF. Rayna doesn’t really care about fixing her relationship with Deacon; she just wants Maddie back as she cuddles in Maddie’s bed clutching a framed picture of her like she’s dead. You know, real healthy stuff. In their own bed later, Rayna and Deacon touch hands so THEY’RE TOTES BACK TOGETS AND NO PROBLEMS HERE, YO! Tune in next week for the grand finale! Will Maddie come back or is she gone 2 soon? Is Teddy still rotting in prison? Will we get the ghost of Jeff Fordham? Or will we just get a really schmaltzy episode of their best duets and everyone reuniting to live happily ever after in Music City?

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S12-Ranking The Contestants

bachelorettejojocontestants

With the premiere just a week away, it’s time to start gearing up for JoJo’s season of the Bachelorette. If this group photo is any indication, I’m already over it. Cool Santa suit, bruh. I have carefully studied (briefly skimmed) each bro’s bio to give you the official ranking of who blows and who might have a fighting chance based on how well they photograph and how witty they are at answering stock questions. I’d like to commend Bach writers/producers for asking one of the dumbest questions ever with “Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?” essentially allowing every guy to say that they rotate between all three depending on their mood. Let’s re-visit the rest of the thought-provoking questions in my ranking…

James Taylor, 29 Singer/Songwriter.

James Taylor

Ugh, Ugh, the name, the occupation, the gelled forehead curl and fiery orange beard. Byeeeeeeee. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Nick S., 26 Software Salesman.

Nick S

NICK IS WEARING A BANDANNA AROUND HIS NECK LIKE A DOG WHO JUST WENT TO THE GROOMER.

Evan, 33 Erectile Dysfunction Expert.

Evan

If this job title was supposed to be clever & funny, I can assure you it is not. Evan claims to be very “in touch with his sexual energy”, which gives me all the cringes and he also is preeeettyyyy picky when it comes to ladies so just from one skim of his bio I can tell you why he’s quite single at 33. Also, let’s not overlook that side bang.

Brandon, 28 Hipster.

Brandon

Apparently being a douchebag is a career now. Brandon wants a Noah and Allie type of love. Who knew hipsters liked mainstream rom-coms? FRAUD.

Jonathan, 29 Technical Sales Rep.

Jonathan

Hates veggies but loves his lettuce. HeeyyOoooo. No, but seriously. Also thinks gluten allergies are fake. CONTROVERSY. If my eyes haven’t tricked me, Jonathan rolls up night one wearing a kilt. With that move he bumped himself to the bottom of the pack.

Chad, 28 Luxury Real Estate Agent.

Chad

Directly from Chad’s bio: Who do you admire most in the world and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

What is your greatest achievement to date? Being born good looking.

Go home Chad, you’re drunk. (Most likely to be one half of the Clint/JJ duo this season.)

Wells, 31 Radio DJ.

Wells

I want to like Wells but he’s a walking conundrum. His name is weird, and he’s naturally looking to get more publicity (get syndicated) by going on this show and boosting his social media follows. He hates cats (team no cat foreva) BUT also hates pizza? I can’t trust this jabroni. And that pinned/patched denim jacket is trying too hard and that’s obvious.

Christian, 26 Telecom Consultant.

Christian

Has two cats, nuff said. Although he tacked on that his ex took his Chihuahua and there’s definitely a story there. SAD FACE. Wants to go to space for some intergalactic selfies and apparently got in touch with his Magic Mike side in college.

Daniel, 31 Male Model.

Daniel

Ummm…are we sure? Out of all of these men, this one is the profesh looker? Something doesn’t add up here. Really loves Lamborghini analogies:

Tattoos: No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.

Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?

Aaaannd I hate him.

Ali, 27 Bartender.

Ali

Describes himself as “Party-starter with a laid-back attitude.” Whatever that means. Once had long luscious locks. And regrets it. He’s no Tim Riggins.

Coley, 27 Real Estate Consultant AKA assistant in a real estate office.

Coley

 THAT SLICKED HAIR. NO THANK YOU. Coley wants to travel, loves Merica and Hogwarts.

James F., 34 Boxing Club Owner.

James F

In the process of removing 3 tats. He has fitness and acting dreams (and will probably have a blog/hawk a protein powder in 3 months time)

Nick B., 33 Electrical Engineer.

Nick B

Could only last one day inside a woman’s brain. Take that as you will. Reads “Ducks Unlimited.” 90% SURE HE’S SANTA FROM NIGHT ONE. NOPE.

Vinny, 28 Barber.

Vinny

Vinny IS SUCH A VINNY. If you just showed me this picture I would tell you that Vinny is an Italian barber mama’s boy who doesn’t let anyone mess with his meats. The hair, the fact that he calls his friends his “boys”. Everything adds up. Cliché city, population: Vinny.  I can’t WAIT to hear this goombah speak because I KNOW he’s going to have an accent. PS Vinny- pics or it didn’t happen with your bleached JT style tips from back in the day.

Peter, 26 Staffing Agency Manager.

Peter

Peter, your facial hair sucks. Boom, roasted. Regardless of the dirt stache, Peter crushes it at work because he’s gotten promoted at every job. He’s also pretty diverse because he went through a skater AND thug phase. He also lucked out real hard in his suit choice opening night because he coordinated it perfectly with JoJo’s flesh colored dress.

Chase, 27 Medical Sales Rep.

Chase

Meh.This is the part of the ranking where all the boring people go because they haven’t done enough to impress me. Chase will do anything for love but won’t sell his truck. Is afraid of a girl falling in love with him on the first date, which is REAL cocky.

Jake, 27 Landscape Architect.

Jake

In five years Jake sees himself married to the bachelorette with kids. So definitely isn’t lacking confidence but also shouldn’t bank on a family from Texas being down AF with interracial marriages. Used to have sonic the hedgehog hair and looks REALLY surprised that this photo is being taken.

Jordan, 27 Former Pro Quarterback.

Jordan

YO WHAT TEAM? You can’t tease with that and not give a team name and explain why it’s a “former” job. Something’s fishy here. Also how did a helmet fit over that swoopy hair? Update: A reputable source tells me this is Aaron Rodgers’ brother and in her words he’s a “‘former’ footballer because he couldn’t live up to big bros hype.” ZINGGGGG.

Alex, 25

Alex

Alex is a twin, though that’s not his occupation because he’s male and not a blonde cheerleader stereotype cough, cough (he’s a marine.) He likes to slow dance, middle school style, probably to “Perfect” by Simple Plan because he went through a sk8er boi phase. Also humblebrags about saving someone from a fiery car wreck. Just your average Luke from The Longest Ride. Sigh.

Grant, 27 Firefighter.

Grant

Once evaded police in Mexico on an ATV and I’d like to know why. Intrigue. Saves lives, doesn’t love Harry Potter, DOES love Home Alone. Has nailed the sexy flirty pose, so he’ll be modeling for a firefighters shirtless calendar in no time.

Luke, 31 War Veteran.

Luke

Second person to mention Mark Cuban in his interview so I guess everyone slobbers real hard for the Cubez. I don’t have that many mean things to say about Luke here. Anyone who loves Step Brothers is okay in my book. This picture kind of gives me the scaries though.

James S., 27 Bachelor Superfan.

James S

Oh great, this guy won’t be a weirdo. Damn he looks fab in mint though. His number is low because he probably has Bachelor Mondays and calls into Chris Harrison’s after show. JK he thinks intimacy is important and isn’t a whorebag. Respect.

Robby, 27 Former Competitive Swimmer.

Robby

Obv means he’s got the body dreams are made of. Nothing else stands out about Robby. He’s all about that nut hugger life and wants a bajillion kids or something. T’s & P’s for JoJo’s vagina if they end up togets.

Sal, 28 Operations Manager.

Sal

Sal has an old man’s name and seems pretty low-key. The most outrageous thing he ever did was egg his gym teacher’s house as a rambunctious teen. He’d be a nice guy to settle down with, hates snakes and the Kardashians, plus he’s a real cutie. A real safe pick for JoJo…reminds me of Ben Higgi.

Derek, 29 Commercial Banker.

Derek

“My baby blues tend to get a lot of front-end attention” is the understatement of the year. Those eyes are automatic panty-soakers. Flooded basements from just one look. Oh, sorry. I got distracted. Derek hates cucumbers and fluffy kittens, skinny dipped in the ocean, but did not get chomped on by a shark. He’s a top pick because he’s obviously a smokeshow and if it matters to JoJo, he probz brings home the bacon.

Will, 26 Civil Engineer.

Will

Will seems like an attractive goofy goober and that goes pretty far with me. His go-to dance move is “Bernie-ing” and if he could be anyone for a day he would be J.May to melt faces & hearts. Except now that I’m looking at his picture again I’m thinking he’s less attractive than my kneejerk reaction. Ugh, whatever, I don’t have a clear ringleader from this group. You heard it here first, The Salty Ju will not be calling a winner. Which sucks, because I crushed it when I chose Shawn last season. Can’t win them all.

Find full bios here and tune in next week to see if JoJo’s aggressive and slightly attracted to her brothers approve of this group of dum dums.

 

 

 

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/9/16

1. RyGos played us. Because of course we learn about a Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes pregnancy like while they’re popping that thing out. Gos Girl #2 arrived this week and they’re really sticking with the Spanish names, as this one is Amada Lee Gosling. I did some research on the Google and Amada means “beloved” so I guess that kinda sucks for Esmeralda. She’s no longer the baby –who, face it, gets spoiled in every family AND she got the short end of the stick in the naming department. Roof stoof, girl. Since we’ve never even seen baby numero uno, don’t hold thy breath for a snapshot of the newb. Damn celebs and wanting their privacy. So selfish.

2. New HaWt Coups Alert.

A shirtless Robert Buckley plays basketball on location for ‘Lipstick Jungle’ in New York City.

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Apparently Robert Buckley and Lea Michele are dating, which I approve of very much. Lea is a babe, Robert is a babe. Teen drama royalty. End of discussion.

3. What Would Playboy Spence Think? (WWPST?)

Our favorite LA slut, Brody Homeboy Jenner is finally settling down. I mean, realistically he was already settled for quite some time now but the ring makes it official. No more Vegas birthdays with Frankie and the boys, or smooching Jenn Bunney on her birthday. Clearly I’ve never moved on from a fictional reality show roughly 10 years ago. Whatever. Either way that’s a rock right there! Speaking of rocks, do you think Spencer will be invited to the wedding? And if so, will he give them marriage crystals? Okay. I’m done.

spence

4. Marla Hooch still has it.

Geena Davis' 2nd Annual Bentonville Film Festival Championing Women And Diverse Voices In Media - Day 6

A film festival staged a reunion for the movie A League of Their Own, because reunions are SAH HAWT right now. As beautiful as Marla Hooch was in the original film, if this picture is any indication, she’s still GOT IT. Hot damn, ladies! Sooks that they couldn’t get Rosie or Madonna… or even Jimmy Dugan. I feel cheated. JK I don’t because this picture made me laugh out loud.

5. Mikey Posner gets deep.

I saw a bunch of musicians tweeting about how this performance was a huge deal and since I suffer from severe FOMO, I powered up the ole YouTube and got to steppin to see what this was all about. Pretty cool considering this song as it was released was a techno beat and Mike stripping it down and making up lyrics on the spot made it a whole lot more relatable than poppin pillz on an island. Plus, if Matt Nathanson approves, SO DO I.

BONUS: Prince delivering burns from beyond the grave.

Prince, may he rest in peace, is still reminding the Kardashians that they’re garbage from 6 feet under. And I respect the hell out of it. First he kicks Kimmy off his stage for dancing terribly then he demands no Kardashians set foot on the same set as him. What a baller.

 

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