“If I don’t get this date card I’m gonna go cry in a corner by myself”
Let’s Get Physical with Chase
Since The Bachelor’s MO is tossing two people who don’t know each other into tantric workshops, welcome to hawt yoga with the guy who’s logged about 5 minutes total with JoJo. It starts with a bang when the yoga instructor asks how long JoJo and Chase have been intimate and they’re like COULD YOU DEFINE INTIMATE? Oh yeah we’ve never even kissed. So that’s a no. It’s fine though because it took my eyes no time at all to get intimate with Chase in those leggings. He’s got a droolworthy bod with a six pack to write home about. JoJo is feelin it too as she keeps telling the camera how chiseled Chase is. Then she straddles him for “a yoga position” called the “yim-yam” except it ends with them making out and touching each other’s naked bodies. While they were hardcore yimming each other’s yams, the yoga instructor magically disappears. What a wing woman. Girl knows what foreplay looks like and when to get the hell outta there. Side note that you may detect a scooch of jealousy in: JoJo’s perfect mermaid waves stay intact throughout this entire 110-degree workout and she couldn’t look fresher. WUTEVER.
Later, JoJo does that thing girls do when they want a guy to tell them they’re a bangpiece—she’s all I didn’t even look sexy today, I was so nervous! LoL. Chase doesn’t bite. Strike one. Then he talks about how his parents got divorced and marriage is a one-time deal for him. Does Chase know what show he’s on? The Bachelorette does not value marriage, Chase. Get out while you can. He gets rosed because JoJo’s “excited” about him. Read: her undies are soaked just thinking about getting her yam yimmed. Charles Kelly serenades them.
Love Has No Secrets with Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad
Upon receiving the group date card with fifty names on it, Chad says that he doesn’t even wanna go. He’d rather kick back and get his one on one later. The other gents aren’t loving this ‘tude and so starts a bro-off. Chad tells Evan to stop talking and calls Jordan a failure. Alex “try me bro’s” Chad and there’s a whole lot of staring.
The date turns out to be a Sex Talks live show. In other words, a show where people pay money to watch a woman walk onstage and proceed to make orgasm sounds. The bros are uncomfy and Vinny “has never heard sounds like that before.” Quick tip for Vinny, solve that line of hair parading across your forehead (you are a barber, after all) and you might have more chances to bring chicks to O-Town. The date takes a turn when the men are asked to participate. I was pretty terrified when we got a BTS peek at the process and Daniel was drawing a stick figure on his pad of paper. My predictions came true when he told a story about cutting a lock of hair with a knife from a girl he had tied up. REALLY ABC? YOU’RE GONNA SPLICE THAT SOUNDBYTE IN WITH NO EXPLANATION?! I can only assume the stick figure he drew was supposed to be a chalk outline of the girl he once raped and killed. Bet he carries that hair around in his pocket. His act got big laughs though so apparently I’m missing something here. It would be nice to know so I don’t have nightmares about the Damn Daniel guy scalping someone. (Or images of Nick the former Santa Claus practicing his alphabet tongue skills. Yuck.)
Anyway, I got carried away creating my own story because the truth is, there’s only one storyline here and his name is Chad. In fact, The Chadchelorette is now a thing. Evan has declared himself number one instigator this week with a routine solely focused on Chad’s steroid use. Lil Alex cheers him on from the crowd because someone smaller than him is taking on his battle. There’s a wrinkle in Evan’s plan when Chad tries to tear his shirt clean off his body. I cheered and then quickly waivered in my support for Chad when I saw that his tactic was to plant one on JoJo instead of telling a sex story. She cheeks him SO HARD and it’s cringeworthy to say the least. Evan’s feeling pretty giddy post-show for having almost been hung by his own v-neck but Chad is there to make him flinch and bring him back down to earth. Chad is also bleeding from his altercation with the stage door. But that’s neither here nor there.
At the night portion, we could talk about how Jordan dances around the fact that he probably (if Instagram has anything to say about it, definitely) cheated on his ex girlfriend and Alex weirdly tells JoJo that he’s ride or die. OR we could talk about how Chad sits approximately 1 foot away from JoJo and Nick and whistles a tune until they’re forced to move locations. We can also share a giggle about how Chad’s shirt rage really stemmed from a little movie theater pet peeve. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU LET THE OTHER PERSON OUT OF THE ROW BEFORE YOU GO IN. If I had a nickel for every shirt I ripped when someone got up to go to the bathroom at Regal! Evan, still high off of his seriously unfunny standup act, demands an apology from Chad and a new shirt.
Chad werks that spin zone and by the end of this confrontation, I begin to believe that Evan’s actually the bully. Except he’s not a bully. He’s a loser. A loser with a skinny wiener. He declares to JoJo that if Chad stays, he will have to leave. As I begin to sing Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, HEYYYEYYYYYEYYY GOODBY—WHAT!??!?! EVAN GOT A ROSE?! I didn’t even need to scream at my TV because Chad does it for me when he asks JoJo “is this a real scenario right now?” Well?! ANSWER THE QUESTION JOJO. DID YOU REALLY JUST KEEP A SPAGHETTI STRAP TANKTOP WEARIN’ MAN WHO KISSED YOU, THEN WHISPER-SANG TO THE CAMERA IN A HIGH FALSETTO, “Boys guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!” Not only did Evan really stick to his guns there, but he also managed to creep the world out in about 30 seconds. Congrats you big weirdo.
Let’s Kick it Old School with James Taylor
Rrrrighttt, like we’re to believe that JoJo can drive a vintage whip without power steering. HOKAY. A lady whose easily 100 gives James Tay and JoJo swing dance lessons. James gets pretty sweaty. JoJo looks like an old Hollywood dream, of course. The “surprise” is that they dance with other swing dancers for one song. Cool. James is excited about everything. I’m excited for them to cut to Chad manhandling a sweet potato.
That night, JoJo is concerned because she likes James childlike wonder but doesn’t necessarily want to mount him. James reveals that his nickname in school was Luke Longneck (better than being compared to Squidward—amirite Grant?!) He feels like JoJo is out of his league…probably because she is. JoJo can’t reject him after that confession without looking like a real B, so he gets a rose. Since James is the guitar guy, he HAS to bust out the axe and sing a whiny original to JoJo. Picture yourself sitting directly next to a guy who is serenading you with a lame song. Would you play dead? (I would.) Instead, JoJo cries. Nailed it.
Tensions are apparently so high back at the ranch that the guys force security guards to walk the perimeter of the bachelor mansion in case Chad gets the urge to rip any more shirts. Daniel tries to level with Chad by comparing him to Hitler and asking if he could maybe dial it back to Mussolini. Chad ponders as he bites into a head of lettuce. He’s probably still pondering when Evan decides to act suuuuper mature for a 33-year-old dad, and tattle to Chris Harrison. C. Harrison tells Chad to settle the problem, Chad hears “create a Bachelorette death match”, and Evan just doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. HE’S JUST EXHAUSTED, GUYS. We’re left in the lurch for tonight’s episode because the cocktail party has been cancelled, and instead we will get probably a full hour of a gangbang pool party. Bonus points if legs are cut off and torsos are thrown into the pool. Getchyo drinks ready because it’s about to pop OFF tonight and I will daydream of floating torsos until then.