Television

Fall 2015 Primetime TV Guide

The bad news is that most of you probably have jobs and don’t have time to watch endless hours of TV pilots and decide if something’s worth watching. The GREAT news is that I currently am without that little thing called employment and therefore have loads of time on my hands to consume all the new TV that fall has to offer. That’s precisely what I did for a full day of couch surfing so that I could deliver an unbiased (a little biased) guide on what to watch and what to skip this year in premiere primetime TV. It was really hard.

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SKIP:

muppets

The Muppets, ABC Tuesdays 8P

Seriously I would like to look the creator of this show in the eye and just ask why. I didn’t watch it because I can’t bear to put myself through an hour of adult sesame street. If you would like to watch a bunch of cartoon characters hang out, by all means watch this show, otherwise just continue living your life and wait until it eventually goes away.

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Best Time Ever Live with Neil Patrick Harris, NBC Tuesdays 10p

I started this one with an open mind, and gleeful memories of Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson, the most ridiculous character ever. Unfortunately I couldn’t even get through the whole first episode. It was bad, like really bad. He uses his Hollywood connects for celebrity guest appearances and the whole thing plays out like a game show bringing in audience members and people on their couches at home for contests and games. It’s too much, like he’s trying to jam an awards show hosting gig of punchlines and gags into an hour each week. Also Perez Hilton was in the first show’s live audience wearing pink jeans and that’s right about when I checked out.

codeblack

Code Black, CBS Wednesdays 10p

Here’s a generic medical drama where there are fresh doctors to be taught and everyone has a sneaky past that comes out piece by piece in each episode as they all get to know each other. No huge star power in this show except for Marcia Gay Harden who’s the leading veteran doctor. The unique aspect of the pitch is that this particular hospital is for emergency medicine and therefore the pressure is higher to be bomb.com. There was A LOT of blood in the first episode and also there’s not enough attractive doctors to keep me hooked. I give this a bleh rating especially with the amount this genre is played out.

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Rosewood, FOX Wednesdays 8p

Typical cop drama, Rosewood is a pathologist and his partner is a hot Latina detective with deeper issues. It’s set in Miami and kind of gives off a Bones meets CSI Miami vibe as far as genre goes but full disclosure I didn’t watch an entire episode. I watched like 20 minutes and it was lame. Rosewood questions the detective’s skills and there’s a lot of sexual tension. I don’t think it will last very long in my very expert opinion.

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Blood & Oil, ABC Sundays 9p

I actually planned to start watching this show and marked the premiere on my calendar…mostly for Chace Crawford. Unfortunately I was suuuuuupes disappointed. Essentially a Dallas knockoff with worse acting, this soap opera-y take on the oil industry will essentially be a formula of sex and backstabbing every week. I normally would be down with that since I don’t need smart TV to feel less guilty about watching a show, but the acting is like new levels of horrendous. Chace and his wife are real awkward and try to make up for lack of acting skill by kissing a lot. It’s all the cringes. If you’re looking for some mindless TV where you can watch hot people bang each other then by all means tune in, I think I’m going to sit this one out because I actually found a lot of winners in the new crop of shows as displayed below…

WATCH:

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Life In Pieces, CBS Mondays 830P

A sitcom about a family with adult children and all of their various sub-family plots, this show probably won’t last very long due to the nature of how quickly generic sitcoms get axed, HOWEVER I watched two episodes and it did make me laugh out loud a few times. One son is in his late thirties and lives with his parents, his sister is married with three kids–one who is about to go to college and his brother is married with a fresh baby. Fans of New Girl will notice that the actress who played Fawn Moscato is the new mom and her interpretation of what happens after you have a baby is hilarious, and also terrifying. The miracle of ruined vaginas, if you will. Each member of the family has their hot mess qualities and they all feed off of each other when in the same room, episodes are broken up by “stories” to follow each family’s issues.

Watch if you like: Modern Family

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Grandfathered, FOX Tuesdays 8P

Obviously this has been promoted endlessly because it’s John Stamos and he happens to have built-in PR people, also known as his Full House castmates. I was a little disappointed in this because I expected to laugh a lot but I found that most of the scenes were already shown in clips or teasers. It holds promise, though and that’s why it’s on the watch list. The pilot begins with John Stamos examining his hair and it quickly becomes clear that he’s playing bachelor Uncle Jesse and I can always get down with any facet of Uncle Jesse. He finds out he has a son and granddaughter and becomes involved in their lives immediately. There are a lot of current jokes including a knock at Buzzfeed listicles and I can see how this might grow. Bonus: You know you’ll see at least Dave Coulier and Bob Saget do guest spots, because when you get a show, you hire your friends.

Watch if you liked: Full House, The Mindy Project (current pop culture humor)

grinder

The Grinder, FOX Tuesdays 830P

Again, judging just from the pilot it was a little lackluster but there’s potential to blossom. Rob Lowe and Fred Savage are brothers, Rob just finished a long running TV series where he played a lawyer and Fred is an actual lawyer who happens to have a serious case of stage fright. Feeling lost after ending the series, Rob’s character sticks around trying to find what to do next and ends up wanting to become a lawyer and outshining his brother in the courtroom because he has a dazzling personality. What I liked about the show is that Rob Lowe is doing what he did while playing Chris Traeger in Parks & Rec–poking fun at himself by being so over the top and it works. Fred Savage’s wife and kids add humor with their different personalities and how they patronize his character for being such a wiener.

Watch if you liked: Franklin & Bash, Parks & Rec

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Scream Queens, FOX Tuesdays 9P

Fox made itself a spicy little Tuesday night lineup, and I’m not just saying that because I used to work for them. This show was highly anticipated because it’s a Ryan Murphy creation (the male Shonda Rhimes) and it has big names involved i.e. Jamie Lee Curtis, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ariana Grande, Lea Michele, etc. I was a little weary to watch it because I am not a person who likes to shit her pants while watching TV alone out of fear, but I decided to give it a shot because it was buzzed about so much. The show itself has great writing and acting. There’s a lot of sassy dialogue from characters who are making fun of themselves and today’s world– like when a character gets murdered and sends a tweet while she’s bleeding out. Essentially it follows a corrupt and terrible sorority where bitches are getting slayed left and right by a masked killer, taking all that’s cheesy from horror movie “Scream” and poking fun at it. Since we’re in a trust tree here, I’ll admit that I did jump a few times and want to cover my eyes when there were some bloodier scenes. All in all I would say it goes more for humor and entertainment, less for terrifying.

Watch if you like: Glee (for the funny dialogue, not as much for the singing), Difficult People

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Blindspot, NBC Mondays 10p

A show I would normally never watch and yet it’s good. Like really good. Following a woman who was dropped in the middle of Times Square and erased of all memory, the FBI works with her to figure out who she is. Her body is covered in fresh tattoos that are essentially clues to various things. The first one solved was for a terrorist attack and the show is set up like a puzzle to figure out who this chick is and how she got here. She’s supes attractive and the lead detective on the case is a hot piece with dazzling eyes so I don’t doubt for a second that they will be getting to know each other biblically but there’s a lot of mystery and little pieces being thrown out just in the first episode, so it’s definitely a show you’ll need to pay attention for. It personally gave me too much anxiety to regularly watch but it’s well done if it’s your type of show.

Watch if you like: The Blacklist

quantico

Quantico, ABC Sundays 10p

A similar keep-you-on-your-toes vibe, this one surprised me especially since I hated Blood & Oil so much and those two are paired in a lineup for Sunday nights. Quantico is a place where FBI agents are sent to be trained and the show works on flashbacks based on mostly the perspective of one girl who is being framed for a terrorist attack. The first five minutes give us a steamy car sex scene between two of the FBI trainees and then I didn’t take one note for the rest of the episode, so clearly it was riveting. It’s less intense than Blindspot and you probably shouldn’t watch it if you’re a nervous nellie because it deals with corruption in the FBI and terrorists infiltrating our country. Yikes…but like, with really hot people.

Watch if you like: Grey’s Anatomy (before Shonda killed everyone important)/anything Shondaland, Revenge

Not Yet Premiered:

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Truth Be Told, NBC Premieres Friday 10/16 830P

Though it hasn’t premiered yet, I’ll give this one a shot because it stars Mark Paul Gosselaar and I give him a chance every time. I mean seriously, his track record is Saved by the Bell and Franklin & Bash, how bad could it possibly be? Also don’t answer that just yet, because it got the Friday night death slot and we might not see it for very long.

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Dr. Ken, ABC Premieres Friday 10/2 8P

While watching endless episodes on demand I saw a handful of promos for this show. Normally I would write it off because in my humble TV experience shows that focus on a comedian end up trying way too hard to mimic what Seinfeld did and they fail miserably…but Ken Jeong is so outrageous as a comedic actor that I found myself laughing at the previews. I mean he put his daughter’s skinny jeans on. Can you imagine if your dad did that? Anyway, I might give this one the ole pilot try as well even though it’s another Friday night doomed, roof stoof.

Each show on this list is only a couple episodes in at most, so it’ll be easy to catch up and get hooked! Hope this guide was helpful, if it wasn’t then just appreciate the fact that it’s all I have to show for a day where I was in perfect health and still laid on the couch watching TV for 12 consecutive hours. #IDoItForTheBlog

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/21/15

1. Jimpire.

This will only be funny to fans of the show Empire but the entire 10 minutes is laugh out loud hilarious. Jimmy’s creepy-whisper Lucious Lyon impression, the mockery of drip drop and most importantly Higgins as Cookie were perfect, not to mention that they had the actual stars of Empire’s blessing through cameos. It’s always good when celebs can be in on the joke.

2. JT has new music.

Ok, ok that was a tease but seriously I would buy a CD of JT singing late night theme songs at this point because I need some new music from him STAT. It’s obvious that if JT makes an appearance anywhere it will be fully covered on the JUice. There need not be an explanation for that. Although his number one bromance is with J.Fall, I can see him getting some real witty banter going with Seth Meyers too. I accept.

3. Babies. Little bit of buzz in the world of ruined Hollywood vaginas…Leah and Brandon introduced the most beautiful Jenner in the world. Leighton Meester and Adam Brody welcomed a daughter. Her name is Arlo Day Brody. ARLO. Speaking of stupid names, Ashlee “Living in Jessica’s Shadow” Simpson and hubs Evan Ross debuted their daughter on insta. Her name is Jagger Snow Ross. Seriously who the hell do these two think they are?! JAGGER.SNOW. What are they gonna call her Jag for short? JK that’s fine, JAG also happens to be my initials and they’re bada$$, like me, obviously. ANYWAY, lastly Ben Mckenzie knocked up Gotham co-star Morena Baccarin because it’s kewl to have kids before marriage now. Three cheers for oops babies! And another three cheers for Seth Cohen becoming a dad around the same time that we find out Ryan Atwood will soon be one as well. Maybe we’ll see a second generation Chrismakkuh in the near future? FTR, it seems about right that Seth would get married first then have the kid and Ryan would do it a little backwards. Who could resist his bad boy smolder?

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It's an honor, little one.

A post shared by Leah James (@leahjames) on

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4. Ed Sheeran’s Last Song. For a while at least…A collab with some other Brits, this is the latest new music from that soulful orange-head and unfortunately he’ll be taking a little breaksicle from creating sweet, sweet melodies so cherish this sucker. Listen HERE.

5. This is what talent looks like.

I’ve posted videos by Todrick Hall before–including his tribute to Bey but this particular trib got buzz because T.Swift herself saw it and basically peed her pants with excitement (I’m assuming.) But furrreallll, he harmonizes and interacts with HIMSELF. It makes my brain hurt to think about how hard it must be to do that.

BONUS:

Neighbors 2 is currently filming. Boner Jamz. Or in the case of the below photos, hand-on-my-boner-jamz.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/18/15

It was a slow week, my apologies, but since I didn’t post one last week because it was the funeral of my 23rd year, I didn’t want to leave ya’ll hanging 2 weeks in a row.

1. Dancing is cool. Sia and her wig head are super weird but whether you are a fan of her music or not this was cool as shit. For someone who walks into the wall pretty much on a daily basis it was baffling to see what skilled coordination looks like.

2. Reese Witherspoon to play Tink in live action Peter Pan. In a world where every Disney movie is reincarnated onstage, animated and live action for extra dough…this is the next in the lineup. Anyway, Reese Witherspoon is already a tiny whimsical blonde so I can’t see anyone more fit for this part.

3. This dress is the stuff. I make a point to never post about Kardashians for obvious reasons but this is a Jenner, so, loophole. There’s a reason she’s the supermodel of the family, her dress in Cannes is my favorite thing I’ve seen this week and Kendall looks like a dime in it.

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4. Red Nose Day and all celebs are BFFs who laugh about how rich they are. Apparently there was an actual Red Nose Day special on NBC last night, which I didn’t catch but this was making the rounds this morning and it’s not even that funny but my fave celeb couple is in it and so is Zac Efron sooo….duh.

5. New jams of all genres to take you into MDW. Please bump these whilst nomming on wieners and tossing back bud lattes cause Merica (and Nick Jonas’ muscles…and Luke Bryan’s dance moves…and Jason Derulo’s everything.)

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Music, Television

iHeartRadio Music Awards Recap

Didn’t actually know that these were a legit thing until I saw JT tweet about how he was being honored, and I don’t need to be told twice to tune into a slobbering of Justin. You also know that I never pass up an opportunity to recap an awards show either. I actually really enjoyed this one, surprisingly so it was a great decision overall. They were better than the Grammy’s. Boom. I said it.

Highs:

-Nick Jonas performing Chains wrapped in actual chains and wearing the shit out of some leather pants while hoes parade around him and bang on some drums. Screen shot 2015-03-29 at 9.41.45 PM -The JT and Taylor Swift show. Right from the get-go we see that these two are seated at the same table and generally just F’ing around like a couple of goobers. Tay wins and JT tries to go up instead of her. They’re now rivaling Jfall and JT for besties that I could watch hang out foreva.

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-Tay wins best lyrics for Blank Space and shouts it out to all the insta captions of “darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” (kinda bummed she didn’t also include homemade mugs, cause mine is BO$$) also clarifies that she doesn’t sing about Starbucks Lovers, whatevs grl, we’ll sing what we wanna sing.

-FGL performs “Sun Daze” and neither of them are wearing a disgusting vest. Good work, boys. Keep it up.

-There are “my journey” stories from artists in between awards and performances and I actually really liked this because it was something different and probably made up for time they would’ve had to fill with Jamie Foxx telling offensive jokes and singing the I’m in love with the coco song over and over again.

-They show a peek backstage of Nick Jonas doing pushups in his leather pants and there clearly is a God.

-It becomes evident that this awards show is kind of a free for all when Jamie Foxx strolls around shooting the shit with singers asking them to practice their winning faces and gettin all up on “random white girls” before they literally cut him off mid-sentence. I love a good hosting train wreck.

-JT’s teal suit, jizzworthy montage of all of his greatest achievements with his besties bowing down to him & entire acceptance speech for the innovator award (except the last lines ugh, still won’t accept that he’s not all mine.) Watch in full below (2:21 for montage, 5:22 for speech)

-Jason Derulo performs “Want to Want Me”. Those dance moves, tossing the mic around like a seasoned vet, thrusting, that falsetto…all equal YES. Screen shot 2015-03-30 at 8.00.37 AM -Sam Smith has a pre-recorded crooning of “Lay Me Down” with candles and an orchestra. So smooth.

-Madonna performs a song that was suuuperrr lame but recruited Taylor Swift to play acoustic guitar in a sexy black lace dress with thigh high black boots and it becomes very clear that even Madonna understands that in order to have her tired performance noticed she needed Tswizzle to spice it up. All she did was strum the guitar and those legs still stole the show. Screen shot 2015-03-29 at 11.08.56 PM – Nate Reuss performs “Nothing Without Love” wearing a very Hamptons-esque whoutfit, but also has a case of the scary eyes while singing. He lays it all out on the line though cruising around the stage in those loafers and crushes the song. Screen shot 2015-03-29 at 11.06.40 PM

Lows:

-Jamie Foxx makes some cracks about Suge Knight in his monologue and obviously doesn’t realize that Suge can still have him killed from the clink, probably should be a little more terrified about that. Also cheap shots about Bruce Jenner’s trans-gender thang. Yikes.

-Meghan Trainor performs “Dear Future Husband” with an unnecessary bedazzled sailor cap and it’s pretty snoozeworthy.

-“Stay tuned for something everyone will be talking about tomorrow so you don’t wanna miss it.” Every awards show teaser EVER. I HIGHLY doubt my boss will be dying to talk about T. Swift playing guitar for Madonna. Nice try.

-Rihanna premieres new song “Bitch Better Have My Money” with a ‘copter onstage and wearing that. No thanks. Screen shot 2015-03-29 at 9.56.29 PM -Ian Ziering presents with Left Shark. Left shark has 1000% jumped the ship, pun intended. This joke has been drowned to death. NO MORE LEFT SHARK, PLEASE.

-Brantley “Bedazzled and jewel encrusted cross t-shirt” Gilbert wins the renegade award (the throw everyone who hasn’t been nominated into this one, award) and feels it’s necessary to tell everyone that he’s not wearing lip gloss, he just kissed his fiance. Oh ok.

-Why is Chris Brown allowed anywhere? Why is he still releasing music, why is he still famous, why is his hair green? WHY. Go away, Breezy.

-Snoop Dogg forever will give me the heebie jeebs.

Best Dressed (Obviously): 

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Not coincidentally, the best dressed of the night were also the top three that dominated this show and made it entertaining. Ok, okay these two looked pretty bangin too. Need Pitch Perfect 2 and I needed it yesterday.

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Full Winners List

Best Lyrics- “Blank Space”-Taylor Swift

Hip Hop/R&B Song of the Year- “Don’t Tell Em”- Jeremih ft. YG

Innovator- Justin Timberlake

Best New Artist- Sam Smith

Best Country Artist- Jason Aldean

Best Fan Army- 5SOSFan What?

Best Collaboration- “Bang Bang”- Jessie J, Ariana & Nicki

Renegade- Brantley Gilbert (this award is the most random)

Best Dance Song of the Year- “Summer”- Calvin Harris

Alternative Rock Song of the Year- “Take Me to Church”-Hozier

Song of the Year- “Shake it Off”- Taylor Swift

Artist of the Year- Taylor Swift. Duhs.

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Television

Fresh TV Recommendations

I don’t know if you’ve heard but I watch a lot of TV. My dependence on TV is so serious that when my cable wasn’t working for a week in college I called my dad every single day to cry about it until it was fixed. I was only receiving the God channel that plays actual church 24/7. Yeah it was probably a sign but I refused to accept it. Anyway, since there is unlimited amounts of new shows every few months, I try to expand my palette and I’ve decided to share my findings. From downright trashy to somewhat critically acclaimed, hopefully there’s something for everyone here. Binge away! (Note: Some shows have yet to premiere, but I took it upon myself to recommend them anyway, because I do what I want.)

1. Hindsight, VH1-Wednesdays 10P

hindsight Obviously VH1 is not the most esteemed TV network what with their Love & Hip Hop or Basketball Wives or whatever, but they’re trying to get into the scripted TV game and all they really needed to do was start running ads with 90’s music and they had me hooked. This show has a flashback premise, so if you only watch realistic shows it’s probably not for you. Becca (Olivia from She’s the Man) is about to get married for the 2nd time in present day and she’s like hey maybe I’m making the wrong decision and she gets in an elevator and suddenly she’s back in 1995 on the eve of her first wedding and great news she gets to relive her 20’s again and make better decisions this time. There’s a lot of love triangles, Ace of Base and hiiiiideous 90’s fashion, which makes it pretty awesome. Also, great news it just got renewed for season 2, so catch up now and immerse yourself in the velvet and overalls. Sway Factor(s): Hot men (if you’re into that sort of thing) and black chokers. andy jamie Screen shot 2015-03-17 at 9.45.41 PM sean Screen shot 2015-03-17 at 9.46.13 PM

2. Empire, Fox-Wednesdays 9P

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This is more on the critically acclaimed side of things because it’s actually getting good reviews and has a lot of star power behind it. Basically it’s about the Lyon family, who is a full-on hot mess and how they run their successful Hip Hop/R&B record label. Lucious Lyon is the head and a real D-bag, also former rapper/singer and his three sons or heirs to the throne are varying degrees of spoiled dicks. His ex-wife and part founder of Empire, Cookie, just got released from jail after 17 years from dealing drugs and she’s back to tear shit up and be a general sassternaut. Essentially this is the urban version of Nashville, except it doesn’t have tired story lines yet. There’s some drug stuff, and some murdering stuff and some music stuff, ya heard? Sway Factor(s): There’s an actual song that youngest Lyon raps with the chorus “She make that thang go Drip drop, drip drippity drop.” I’ll let you use your imagination to figure that one out. Season Finale is this week but that gives you all summer to catch up before season 2. Also you get to see Cookie wear some of the SASSIEST outfits of anyone on TV ever and lay down some great one liners. leopard 9-Ways-Taraji-Slayed-As-Cookie-Lyon-On-Empire-feat Empire tumblr_nix9afQ2tY1u80fa2o4_400

3. Lip Sync Battle, Spike-Premieres April 2nd 10P

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As you probably know from my JUice a month or so ago, once they announced that the host of this show was going to be LL Cool J, I really wanted to hate all over it. They took a sacred Fallon sketch and turned it into a show with a washed up Kangol aficionado hosting. But damnit, I’m going back on my word because it actually looks entertaining. They released some teaser trailers and clips for it and now I feel like it might be must-see TV. Fallon makes some appearances and apparently Chrissy Teigen is just a fly girl on the sides or something? All I know is that I’m in. Sway Factor: There’s props and costumes.

4. The Grace Helbig Show, E!-Premieres April 3rd 10:30P

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Grace Helbig started out on Youtube with quick webisodes about goofy shit and after watching a few of them here and there I feel like her new show will be fab, which is why I’m raving about it before it has even started. I’m sure this is E!’s attempt to fill the void that Chelsea Handler left behind but regardless, I think we can all agree that E! needs to clean up the huge dumpster fire that Fashion Police created for them. Grace is awkward and silly and makes a lot of inapprops poop jokes. I think you can quickly assume why I love her. Her book released this year entitled, “Grace’s Guide: The Art of Pretending to be a Grown-Up” is a fun read and she gives some great advice. Case in point, her advice for first dates is to never eat something that would upset your stomach… “Let your personality be explosive, not your butthole.” I think she’ll make for GREAT television. Sway Factor: IT’S NOT THE KARDASHIANS.

5. Marry Me, NBC (Pretty much already cancelled)

Marry Me - Season 1

I’m throwing you for a quick loop here by adding in a show that most certainly will not survive past it’s first season, in fact it was basically already edged off the air. I’m doing this because A. if you were a fan of Happy Endings you’ll appreciate it and B. it has witty writing and if you watch it you’ll probably learn some cool new abbrevs. It’s basically Penny from Happy Endings but with a guy who can tolerate her. They’re engaged and living together and have a bunch of weird friends. Plus now we have a sitcom to round out my list of shows to check out. (I’m totally mailing it in, it was really hard to think of a 5th show, judge me, I dare you.) Anywho, the first handful of episodes from this show were actually very funny and although it went downhill real quick maybe it will feed your Happy Endings-less nostalgia.

Sway Factor: The return of DRAMA Derek & hip pop culture references, kick ass relationship goals:

“Annie: Hey bae. Jake: Is bae really that much shorter than babe? It’s literally the same amount of syllables. Annie: But that extra “b” makes my mouth so tired.”

Marry Me

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BONUS: The Royals, E!-Sundays 10P

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Although I haven’t watched this yet and it is sure to be appointment trash television, I felt obliged to add it to the list because Marc Schwann is the creator and if this show is half as fantastic as One Tree Hill, it’ll be very entertaining. Plus, Brits <3. Good news is that the series premiere was just last Sunday so not a lot of catching up necessary.

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