I’d like to say that I watched the 70th Emmy’s last night but mostly I just talked over it and shoved cheeses, meats & olives into my mouth. Certainly didn’t stop me from sounding off about everyone’s outfits, tweeting about nipples and laughing at the cringeworthy proposal that occurred onstage for all to see. Feels good to be back.

WORST

Oh, ok. So I guess the rule is if you won an Emmy last year that gives you the right to show up in a silk button down with a corset layered over it and adorned with costume pearls. I just re read this and HOW COULD I FORGET THE G-D BRIEFCASE SHE’S CARRYING TO TOP IT ALL OFF. UGH. Get out of my face with this, Laura.

This was not her only trash outfit of the night and very much subscribes to the theme of women dressing like they live in the Great Depression, which thanks to a knowledgeable customer the other day, I learned was in 1935.

Well why don’t we just start adorning ourselves in neon parachutes? WHY NOT.

I almost ralphed upon laying eyes on this busy as a bee ladysuit.

Hey Mario, injuring your foot is not a good enough reason to wear suit shorts.

Ma’am, I’m gonna need you to address the creature growing out of your shoulder. Sterling, you good, boo.

Pretty surprising turn of events for Kristen Bell to end up on my shit list but this dress sucks.

There’s gotta be a Beetlejuice on every red carpet. But like, why.

This would’ve been my dream outfit for a special event if you had asked me when I was 7 in 1998.

This was Darren’s night to shine because his portrayal as a serial killer in the Versace show was nightmares and yet he chose to wear what looks like a jizz stained suit for it.

I honestly can’t tell if her and Maya Rudolph were trying to be ironic with their outfits straight out of a different time period. The last time I wore a statement belt was freshman year of college. And on top of that she’s rocking a rat tail sticking out of her head and this pattern is ROUGH.

Does this sequin nightmare have actual horns?

The pompadour and possible shorts really throws this whole look off course.

What’s happening here other than Toby and his date sharing eyeliner?

THERE IS A WAY TO DRESS FOR YOUR SIZE WITHOUT LOOKING 6 TRILLION TIMES BIGGER. THIS IS NOT IT. INSERT CLAPPING EMOJIS AS NEEDED.

I think Allison ripped this off of a horny 17 year old at prom.

I read a headline that this dress has a special meaning…I’m guessing it has to do with pride but like it’s not necessary to dress like a clown for an elegant event.

Carrying the sparkles and platforms torch of the evening.

As much as I love mint. This dress is wrong. All kinds of wrong.

So apparently this was her wedding dress. She is divorced now and supposedly wanted the dress to have a night on the town. What really had a night on the town were her erect nipples. When the Ungermyer took the stage to accept the Emmy, her areolas quite literally poked my eyeballs out. She even had the gall to mention that she skipped the bra. NO NEED TO LET US KNOW, WE RECEIVED THIS MESSAGE WHEN YOUR NIPS TOUCHED THE MIC BEFORE YOU DID.

WTF.

I thought I read somewhere that Kirsten Dunst is preggers but judging by this photo and her knockers busting out of her dress yet having 0.0 waist or belly, I’m very perplexed. Landry is literally scaring me.

I’m not sure that the Emmys are the place to roll up like you’re Janis Joplin. She looks great for like a concert or the AMA’s.

Not even a little bit flattering.

Could everyone just put their nipples away for one night? Also props to the “paint your two front strands of hair blonde” color job.

I am afraid. Also if you look at her from the right angle it looks like she has elf ears and she’s carrying a bible. That is all.

Tracy looks like an idiot. Which he might’ve been aiming for. So this could be a compliment.

This is just a tripping hazard. I mean, come on. I’m assuming she didn’t expect to win or she’d have a broken neck.

Alison Janney is having a moment lately because she’s got a hot bod and her career is still kickin but I don’t think that gives her the right to dress like a showgirl. She could’ve rocked a million other looks way better.

This is a dress for a 12 year old.

I can’t stop staring at the top of this lime popsicle of a dress. Why so round?

From lime to banana.

When your boyfriend is hosting maybe bring your A game.

BEST

I think this is a tasteful amount of feathers and Keri looks like a babe.

You’ll find that many made the best dressed list just because I violently hated so many outfits that when I saw an outfit that was just fine, I threw them a bone. Her legs look good so here ya go.

Joey King of Kissing Booth fame gets her princess moment but like where the hell is Flynn?

Another dreamy princess/napping dress that I can always get down with.

He always looks fresh.

I’m into the green for something different.

Basically one of the only SNL stars who didn’t look like they borrowed costumes from set to wear.

This is so weird and yet I’m mesmerized by it. Probably because it’s Alexis Bledel and she looks beautiful in anything.

Power suits for a power couple.

Milo kind of looks like a geeky waiter but it’s Milo and I love him anyway.

This fella is really embracing fall fash and I’m here for it.

The bowtie! And the pants! And the boots!

YAAAS CONNIE! Will she ever age?! Will that head of hair ever look less than perfect?! NO.

I don’t love Chrissy’s dress but it’s not like hideous so whatever.

This is fun and adorbs!

Hot damn, lady. Didn’t you just have another baby?

Benedict’s fine and all but his lady friend is really rocking the yellow with a red lip.

Another cozy furry number that I want to lay my head upon. Hair could’ve been better but hey, who am I to judge? (lololololol)

It kind of looks like she’s barefoot but if you’re not distracted by that like I am, check out this sassy jumpsuit equipped with cape! This might be sneaking up into one of my favorite looks of the night.

Showing the men some love.

I mean we get it, you’re skinny and you have big boobs but I do like this color a lot!

Although I usually shy away from showing off your pecs in a dress, this color looked good on her and looked good on camera when she did her not funny awards show bit while introducing a category.

Mandy always looks good but I am wondering why we needed to mermaid the dress so short that her feet are sticking out. Her cleavage looks luscious though.

This suits her. Would I wear it? Never. But she’s rocking the hell out of that tulip dress.

My favorite look of the night and it ain’t even close and I swear it’s not because she’s married to JT and they look BOMB together. But like, it also kind of is…