WHADDDUPPPP AWARDS SZN! How ya derrrrin? Obviously I’m excited that my favorite winter pick-me-up has arrived. Because no matter what anyone says, nothing will ever beat the high of sitting on the couch in flannel pjs, still on a holiday eating schedule (24/7) shouting at the TV that someone looks like trash on one of the biggest nights of their life. Every season presents a different style that everyone latches onto (that I inevitably cannot stand) and this year was the deep cleavage v. If I can see your chin clean down to your belly button without obstruction, you’re getting tossed on the worst dressed and those are just FACTS. I recently dabbled in the cleavage game (new for me) at a wedding and I literally got my already modest v-neck sewn closer together the day before the wedding because you know what is even more alluring than showing your entire front? Leaving something to the imagination. Take notes from me and my boob etiquette, Hollywood. Let’s see how those who did or did not cover their nips fared.

WORST

Last year her nips punched through the tv screen and poked my eye out so hopefully she’s opted for a bra this year but either way this dress is goo.

Is this like 80’s picture day or a bad wedding or what?

Irina looks like a Vegas show girl and Bradley STINKS without a little scruff. I mean seriously he looks like a wax figure and a white suit does not complement that.

Remember when Taylor Swift sang about Camilla Belle being a big hoebag? Lolz. Great mems. Regardless, this eye shadow/slicked back hair is woof.

Since when does Chris Messina think he can go all Draco Malfoy up in this B? (To show how old I am, E News will 100% post this picture and caption it “ZADDY”)

Hot damn is this dress tacky and a terrible color.

I love the style of this dress but I’m so not about that flesh tones life. Is she naked? Look quickly and yes, yes she is.

Well this is loud.

And this is the opposite of loud. Are you 90, Emma?

Now begins the portion of the program where I dump all over Hollywood’s titties. I DON’T NEED TO SEE THIS.

PUT THEM AWAY. WE GET IT. YOU HAVE BOOBS. CALM YOURSELF.

I shouldn’t be able to tickle your belly button on the red carpet.

Why are you even wearing anything? At this point just walk naked.

ZOMG more full frontal nudity!

This dress is hideous first and foremost. The over the top boobage is just the cherry on top of the wreckage.

I’m sorry, what?!

I don’t understand what’s happening here and therefore it blows.

My lord, PUT IT AWAY. ALL OF IT. KNOCK IT OFF , LADIES. This is an awards show not the boom boom room at 3am.

One shoulder taffeta. Yikes.

More bewbz and let’s add in some ruffles.

Kid’s art project 101.

I rest my case.

There’s so many things sticking out. The great war of puffy shoulder vs. erect hair.

Ice dancer?

Miss Frizzle teaching us about the solar system?

BEST

Because I’m not a total prude and I can handle cleavage sans navel, Allison is getting after it in this outfit. I also love the chunky jewels.

Chrissy Metz may have called her a bitch but I think this outfit is killin it. Dave looks like a baller too.

It’s often a red carpet trend that the ladies of SNL/comedy in general dress like they’re wearing paper bags and I feel like this is a fresh change up.

Amy plays it safe every time. This isn’t really doing it for me but it’s also not necessarily a WORST look. I think she could stand to take some risks though.

Classy and elegant.

Not the top look I’ve ever seen from the Connster but she still looks like a dime piece as always.

V. traditional ball gown and respectable that someone her age isn’t showing up in a mesh dress judging by the trends these days.

VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE. I don’t know if this is Versace but it kind of should be.

MOM AND DAD FOR LIFE. Also I understand the hypocrisy of calling out all the hoochies with their top half nudity and then approving of this but let it be known that this dress is actually cute so it’s different.

This season’s installment of dresses I want to take a nap in. Also, Debra photographs well but up close? Yeesh.

PRINCESSSSSSSSSS

Sparkly and not cleavage down to her ankles!

TBH, I walked in from work to this look and I was like whoa that’s a lot. Then it really grew on me. Only Lady Gagz would match her hair to her dress. The sleeves kind of suck, but the color is great and she looks beautiful in the shallow, shalalalllalalowwwwwwww world of Hollywood.

Glenn Close gives good cape.

Honestly I laughed out loud when I saw this because people HATE Anne Hathaway. Like HARDCORE HATE someone for no reason and she just stunts up to the red carpet in 2019 dressed like she’s Sammi Sweetheart looking for some Ron Ron Juice in Seaside Heights circa 2010. and I LOVE IT. Get it, girl, Cheetah girls, cheetah sisters.

I like it. (I’m running out of things to say.)

Not the slightest clue who this jabroni is but the COCKINESS of his stance, tossing that jacket open and rocking the one hand in pocket prom pose. Couldn’t love it more.

Peep those green suede shoes on Idris, tho.

JLC poppin that leg like she invented it.

This almost won my favorite look of the night because it’s Julia Roberts and also she looks amahzing.

Can’t ever beat a dress with pockets, don’t @ me.

Lookin like a red velvet cupcake snack!

Gr8 color choice, not so gr8 dress choice.

Rare Nicole Kidman compliment: She looks good.

Hot DAMN disco ball!

❤ the jacket and the fact that Ryan openly admits on the red carpet to each celebrity that he just watched their movie because he was going to be interviewing them.

Babe soda couple alert!

Host looks good, wifey not so much.

I spy some gold toed shoesiez!

DAWSON LEERY! Gasp.

SURPRISE! Taylor Swift strutted those stems out onto the stage to present a few awards and I almost screamed at my TV. Whatta babe.

QWEENS OF THE NIGHT:

Holy hell these two owned it. Separately AND together.