A series is never dead in today’s world. After Gilmore Girls reunited at the ATX Festival this year and we all saw that Lorelai hasn’t aged a minute, while Luke apparently hasn’t stopped aging, this obviously got the ball rolling for reunion rumors. Apparently creator Amy Sherman Palladino has had the last four words of the series written for like decades and now she’ll have her chance to show them with Netflix creating four 90 minute episodes and the grand sunset on Stars Hollow. As a Team Anyone But Dean gal, I’ll be anxious to see who will be the next in a lineup of very important boyfs for Rory, and obviously if they bring that little homewrecker April back I will send a strongly worded letter to Amy about how she’s betrayed everything I’ve ever believed in TV. Other than that, let’s see what they’ve got for those fabulous Gilmore Girls!
2. Adele is BACK.
I don’t really know how long she’s been gone but it was just the right amount of time if you ask me. I needed at least a year to get over the fact that while I was studying abroad in Florence they played Rolling in the Deep on repeat ad nauseum any time there was a speaker available. I think this made me irrationally angry toward Adele, but the beauty of it is she popped out a little nugget, disappeared for a hot second to be a mom and now I welcome her back with open arms, all irritations forgotten. Obviously she still has a powerhouse voice and her next album will sweep all the awards so it was nice knowin ya while it lasted, Sam Smith. No seriously, do you think Sam Smith heard this song and then sent Adele an anonymous letter that told her to go back into retirement because there’s only room for one soulful Brit to win all the awards in America? Just wondering.
3. Zooey Deschanel named her daughter something quirky.
At this point I feel like the joke’s on us. Celebs put their heads together and say what will illicit the largest general audience eye roll for a baby name. First name: Elsie, Middle name: Otter. Although I commend the somewhat normal first name, they could have easily gone with River Otter if they really wanted to play into this but just the light touch of a furry water species that one would associate with campgrounds was apparently enough weird for them.
4. At the risk of beating a dead horse, Perfect got more Perfect.
Here’s the black and white music video for 1D’s perfect and if you were questioning if it actually is a response to Style, look no further than the several thousand artsy shots and closeups on Harry and that glossy, wild mane of his. The Hawaiian shirt though, really?
5a. Tori Kelly goes Poc on us.
Apparently there’s a celeb Disney compilation CD in the works–including a J.Derulo version of Can You Feel the Love Tonight…gonna need that to enter my ears stat. But anyway, Tori the goddess of singing tackled Colors of the Wind. I’m going to be up front about it and say that I thought Pocahontas sucked as a Disney movie and I wouldn’t even think of giving this song a second listen but her version is obviously spectacular.
5b. Casting News. Mario Lopez joins Grease LIVE as Vince Fontaine, who if I remember correctly was somewhat of a creep. So not sure about that one. Also Chris Rock was announced as host of the Oscars this year and I hold out hope that having a standup comedian hosting again is just what we need to save ourselves from endless shitty bits and musical numbers that have turned past hosting gigs into trash city. Bonus points if he drops an uncensored F bomb while hosting. The world needs a little more edge is what I think.
BONUS: JT was inducted into the Memphis Hall of Fame this past weekend aka he came out of hiding aka he looked like a dime and was funny onstage and bro’ed out with his boyfriend Jimmy Fallon.
This will only be funny to fans of the show Empire but the entire 10 minutes is laugh out loud hilarious. Jimmy’s creepy-whisper Lucious Lyon impression, the mockery of drip drop and most importantly Higgins as Cookie were perfect, not to mention that they had the actual stars of Empire’s blessing through cameos. It’s always good when celebs can be in on the joke.
2. JT has new music.
Ok, ok that was a tease but seriously I would buy a CD of JT singing late night theme songs at this point because I need some new music from him STAT. It’s obvious that if JT makes an appearance anywhere it will be fully covered on the JUice. There need not be an explanation for that. Although his number one bromance is with J.Fall, I can see him getting some real witty banter going with Seth Meyers too. I accept.
3. Babies. Little bit of buzz in the world of ruined Hollywood vaginas…Leah and Brandon introduced the most beautiful Jenner in the world. Leighton Meester and Adam Brody welcomed a daughter. Her name is Arlo Day Brody. ARLO. Speaking of stupid names, Ashlee “Living in Jessica’s Shadow” Simpson and hubs Evan Ross debuted their daughter on insta. Her name is Jagger Snow Ross. Seriously who the hell do these two think they are?! JAGGER.SNOW. What are they gonna call her Jag for short? JK that’s fine, JAG also happens to be my initials and they’re bada$$, like me, obviously. ANYWAY, lastly Ben Mckenzie knocked up Gotham co-star Morena Baccarin because it’s kewl to have kids before marriage now. Three cheers for oops babies! And another three cheers for Seth Cohen becoming a dad around the same time that we find out Ryan Atwood will soon be one as well. Maybe we’ll see a second generation Chrismakkuh in the near future? FTR, it seems about right that Seth would get married first then have the kid and Ryan would do it a little backwards. Who could resist his bad boy smolder?
4. Ed Sheeran’s Last Song. For a while at least…A collab with some other Brits, this is the latest new music from that soulful orange-head and unfortunately he’ll be taking a little breaksicle from creating sweet, sweet melodies so cherish this sucker. Listen HERE.
5. This is what talent looks like.
I’ve posted videos by Todrick Hall before–including his tribute to Bey but this particular trib got buzz because T.Swift herself saw it and basically peed her pants with excitement (I’m assuming.) But furrreallll, he harmonizes and interacts with HIMSELF. It makes my brain hurt to think about how hard it must be to do that.
BONUS:
Neighbors 2 is currently filming. Boner Jamz. Or in the case of the below photos, hand-on-my-boner-jamz.
1. JT & JFall are back togets. I begged and I pleaded and finally JT’s manager read the Salty Ju and was all ok let’s give the people what they want and so explains the reunion on The Tonight Show Wednesday night AS WELL AS causing a ruckus at the US Open. The bros are back in town and it’s like they’ve never left me. Kicked the celebration off with another History of Rap–capitalizing on my favorites Bone Thugz N Harmony and Remix to Ignition. Later, the three of us were giggling together doing awkward fist bumps and just reminiscing on ole times. Like when JT drank coffee out of a mug with Jimmy’s face on it. I couldn’t make it to that night’s slumber party, obviously. Then they whipped up a quick Fallon cocktail with Sauza ‘squila, naturally, plus a side of Justin’s over the top Fallon impression. JT judged a lip sync competition where Ellen joined in on the debauchery and lawls. And finally the boys went on a date to the US Open where they showed off their Single Ladies routine. Please feel free to watch or re-watch all parts below with a silly grin plastered to your face like I just did. Supes normz. I will say it over and over again until it finally happens, these two need to host an awards show together stat, including red carpet commentary. Let’s replace garbage with pure humor and boyish charm. I will draft a letter to Hollywood to request such immediately.
2. Another model baby arrived for the Deckers just in time for football season. Last weekend Jessie James Decker popped out another beautiful infant and proudly showed off baby Eric Thomas Decker to gently remind the world that her and hubby Eric Sr. are gorge (even pre and post a child murdering her vag) and they only produce attractive offspring.
3. Life Size 2 is a real thing according to Tyra “Kiss My Fat Ass” Banks.
Ty-Ty has revealed that Disney has been working on a sequel script for this trashcan movie starring her and Lindsay Lohan for far too long. They want to make it perf and are hoping for a Christmas 2016 release. Listen, I love “Be A Star” as much as the next Eve fan, but let’s stop being ridiculous with the sequels. What is going to happen in a movie made 15 years after the original? Is tomboy Casey going to bring her barbie doll come-to-life Eve to rush a sorority at college with her? Eve will get in because of her killer fashion sense and ability to spend the whole night dancing and Casey will probably be bullied by Delta Delta Sigma Betches. Did I just write the script for you, Disney? Mail me a check. (Seriously, I could use that cash.)
I say this, because there is absolutely no way that any of Ryan Phillippe’s genes ended up in their oldest child Ava. She is Reese 2.0 and it is giving me the scaries. Just a few more years and Ava & Reese will be hitting the bars and telling guys that they’re twins. Hopefully they’ll have their stories straight on what their shared birthday is, unlike my sister and I who tell strangers we’re twins whilst inebriated and then each say our own birthday when inevitably someone doubts us. Be better than us, Reese.
5. Timeflies Tayday.
This past Tuesday the boys of Timeflies tackled some Emmy-winning T.Swizzle and it would be wrong of me not to include the 1989 cover in my weekly roundup. (Especially since Taylor Part 1 was featured on my Top Notch Timeflies Tuesday blog) Feel free to get loose to it this weekend–I know I will as I move for the 100th time in the past three years.
1. Biebs is Back and wants to know what do you mean?
So the Biebster did his bad boy thing, then rehabbed his image with a very public and much too nice roast and then spent the past month hyping this single every 10 minutes on Instagram. The first few days of celebs joining in was cute, then when it was all I ever saw on the gram, it got annoying real quick and I declared that this song better be the second coming in music for it to ever live up to all of the obnoxiousness. Apparently his version of Best Song Ever is this and a lyric video with a skateboarding punk from an MTV reality show 10 years ago. No seriously. RYAN SHECKLER?! That’s who you went with for this much anticipated single drop? If you ever want to laugh uncontrollably, watch an old clip from Ry Ry’s show and listen to how terrible he is at narrating/reading from a script. It used to be one of my favorite pasttimes to talk in Ryan Sheckler voice to annoy everyone around me. “When I was little….MY mom….and MY dad….got divorced.” Anyway, I got sidetracked, the moral of the story is this song is lame.
2. J.Law and Amy Schumer piano dance. These two goofbombs are the newest BFF’s that everyone is spazzing over. Yeah they’re both cool hot blondes who act crazy and make us giggle but I don’t think it’s headlining news that they went on vacay together…what I do think is headlining news is that Billy Joel let them stomp all over his piano at last night’s concert. Good for you, Billy–keeping your cool factor at an all-time high. Here they are grooving around to Uptown Girl. They also are apparently writing a script for a movie that they play sisters in and obviously I will be first in line to see that–especially if it’s anything like Trainwreck cause that was a top notch flick.
3. VMA’s are this weekend. Instead of revving up with the uncomfies for what is sure to be a disgusting display from host, Miley–let’s instead look forward to gr8 talent and musical moments by watching this fab-tastic 2000’s medley from Tori Kelly who will be performing. Other announcements include Nicki Minaj opening the show again (hopefully with less buhholes, for my eyes’ sake) J.Biebs to perform his new single, Macklemore FT. RYAN LEWIS to perform their new single (which is really weird and makes my ears confused), and Kanye will receive the video vanguard award…for what exactly I’m not quite sure. And last but most, my girl Tay will be debuting the music video for Wildest Dreams which features zebras and Scott Eastwood (lick.) TUNE IN SUNDAY at 9!
4. Taylor Swift has famous friends. For the past few months that the 1989 tour has been happening, we’ve been reminded after each and every surprise guest that Taylor Swift is BFF’s with everyone but nothing prepared us for the mixed bag that her multiple nights in LA brought us. I guess there’s nothing quite like standing in front of a bunch of celebrities and just basically calling them up to the stage one by one to prove you’re all buds who party at each other’s mansions and stuff. (Clearly not jelly at all.) What I found REALLY RUDE was that she had the NERVE to bring JT back for his first post-baby performance after I just embarrassingly begged for that on this very blog. They sang one of my favorite songs and oh yeah I WASN’T THERE. #NOTFINEATALL (Peep any or all of the 1 billion pics and clips below to pretend like you were there…)
5. O-Town is the new 1D. This is not relevant or news but my friend Lindsey (via KardASHLEY) asked me if I had heard the new O-Town song and this one slipped right through the JUice apparently because it came out a while ago. I apologize for not being on top of this but I watched the music video–the song is outrageously good and the music video made me go ALL IN on Dan. Obviously Ashley Parker Angel was the real pretty boy of the group back in the day and when they released Sky Dive last year without him, I couldn’t fully get on board. But now…Ashley who? Dan get at me, bruh. This revelation comes hot on the heels of 1D announcing an upcoming hiatus that we all saw coming and I think we all know who can replace them…
Hey remember when I did this one time? Well guess what, I’m jonesin for a JT fix again and therefore I’m bringing it back. I watched Friends with Benefits last week because I no longer have a job and daytime TV is my new BFF and watching Justin rap Kriss Kross only made me miss him more. Seriously I get that JT is a dad now and stuff but I need him back in my life. So here’s my plea to him…go on Fallon, SNL or record a new song pls. Everyone knows…New Music>New Baby.
Ear Candy
The best scorned lover song ever to hit my ears. I could watch his baby face almost cry in a car with Timbaland foreva eva. You can pretty much guarantee that Britney learned her lesson with this one–you break Justin’s heart and you can bet your bottom dollar that he’ll break into your mansion, moonwalk across your kitchen and then make a sex tape in your bed. BOOM. YOU JUST GOT TIMBERLAKED, BITCH. (We’re just gonna go ahead and gloss over the part where he waits until she gets home, sniffs her hair then hides in her closet and watches her shower.)
The Camp Winnipesaukee sketches that Jimmy started on the Late Show and brought with him to the Tonight Show are the perfect example of why I need these two to have a variety show and/or host the Emmy’s. They can take the stupidest skit and make it hilarious.
Remember when you couldn’t wait to get the latest issue of J-14 or Teen Beat or Pop Star so that you could take the staples out and cover your walls with fashionably dressed teen pop hunk? If you’re wondering how ridiculous that seems today, look no further than this collection of weird boy band photoshoots that were once suuuuper attractive to teen girls and now it’s suuuuper embarrassing that I could ever scotch tape a picture of 5 guys dressed in overalls on my wall. I have graciously broken each example down by theme.
Trends come and go, but puppies are FURRRR-ever.
We sing and do choreographed dance moves, but WE LIKE SPORTS TOO.
Don’t judge us because we like the way silk feels…
“One is silver and the other’s gold.”
Mah dressed us.
Whoutfits make us seem laid back and super casj.
Peekaboo, we wear briefs!
Denim isn’t cool unless it’s coordinated with your bros.
We Woke Up Like This
The THAT’S SO 90’s group hang
Just in case you forget who we are…Check my bodysuit OR my visor.
The smart outerwear look
Only the finest of linens
We have better jewelry than you (apparently Dreamstreet’s only styling tip)
We do Xtreme stuff! SO HARDCORE.
The “Happy Holidays, Grrrlll”
WTF. No seriously. What could possibly be occurring here?
And finally…the CLASSIC shirtless hunks with less desired members artfully placed/covered so as not to distract from the real man meat of the group:
JT & Nick Lachey, front and center where they belong ❤
What’s Timber-Tuesday, you ask? It’s something that I recently decided should probably be a thing. Do I need a specific reason to write a blog dedicated to Justin Timberlake and all of his fantastic qualities? No, I do not, because I run The Salty Ju and you don’t so HA. Sometimes, you get to Tuesday and realize the whole week is still ahead of you and you just need a little JT to make it better. We all know that Justin is the King of Pop and releases bangers on bangers, but he’s also funny as shit (especially with his BFF JFall) and devilishly handsome. So to get you closer to hump day (wink), here’s a tune, a skit and a model shot of ya boy JT.
Ear Candy
This song is from 2002 and I could still probably listen to it 100 times a day. It’s Justin at his cockiest and although you might have to look past the knit hat (and the doo rag, and the fedora, obviously the 2000’s were a trial period for headwear) in this video, it’s also pretty gr8. Normally I’m against mid or pre-song talking but I think we can all agree that it’s AOK when Justin does it. Dance moves+Swag+Falsetto=The Best Kind of JT. DRUMS.
Probably my favorite JFall-JT sketch of all time and there are many. Even Madonna couldn’t ruin it for me, and that’s saying a lot. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t see the real Barry Gibb without laughing because all I can think of is these two goobs.
1. Jimmy Fallon moved The Tonight Show to LA for a week and amped up the 90’s nostalgia. Obviously everyone and their mother posted this on social media yesterday but it deserves several re-watches. This Saved by the Bell Reunion was the best thing that has happened to me since the Full House reunion last year. Judge me, I dare you. Anyway this is the gang 25 years later and they all look exactly the same. HOW?! (To be clear: MPG looked weird because they did awk makeup and wig things to him, he’s actually still a smoke) Props to Fallon for knowing that Lisa Turtle didn’t have a place in this reunion and obviously Screech the creepy jailbird. They hit all the classic Bayside jokes and we even got a Belding Hey HEY what is going on HERE?! Side note: Where is Rod Belding these days? Does he also look woof or did he luck out with the good Belding brother genes? So many probing questions. Anyway…in addition to seeing Slater dance in a leotard, Jimmy also brought back the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, arguably the greatest TV theme song in history and this may have been overlooked because it happened right after the Super Bowl, but it’s still pretty great. Enjoy a trip down 90’s lane courtesy of Jimmy Fallon.
Also relive the appearance that preludes the SBTB reunion…Since MPG did his Zack Morris bit before everything was on YouTube, watch it here
2. In the cold long days of winter, thirsty girls across America got their first teaser trailer for Magic Mike XXL. Warner Bros capitalized on the obsession we all had with Channing’s epic solo strip to Pony by Ginuwine and I for one couldn’t be more pleased. The gratuitous sexual innuendos are free flowing and the abs plentiful. If this doesn’t pull you out of your blizzard blues for 1 minute and 36 seconds, ladies, I don’t know what will. Fingers crossed that the second installment has less drugs/artsy statements about stripping and more naked Channing and Matt Bomer Jams. Double fingers crossed that the lead love interest isn’t a straight up dude like she was in the original. Total Bomer kill.
3. Okay mop up your drool, we’re going back to family friendly headlines from this week now. Lennon & Maisy AKA the two child stars of the show Nashville got their start by doing duet viral videos. This past week they released a new take on the song Boom, Clap by Charli XCX. I know that I razz Nashville a lot for it’s predictable plot lines and terrible characters–all in good fun obviously–but this video just shows the reason I started watching this show. It’s for unknown singers who crush it. These two might annoy the F out of me on the show as whiny little teenage princesses but they’re REAL talented and for a 13 year old and an 8 year old to be this good it’s worth watching.
4a. Jeter’s Girl Hannah Davis snagged the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Now that she’s fully mainstream I would expect nothing less than for Jeets to move onto the next.
Also making headlines this week-the very first “plus sized” model to be featured in the SI swimsuit issue. If this is what we’re calling plus sized I think I’ll go jump off a cliff now. Judging by this “plus sized” model being a size 10, I must be a candidate for Too Fat To Live, coming to TLC in the Spring.
4b. In related but not really related news (aka I just want to yap about it) there has been quite a buzz around Boston this week due to a trashmonster posting a photo that she snapped after getting boned by Julian Edelman, Patriots player and #2 GQ model on the team (#1 is Brady obv.) It’s a selfie she took in bed with him sleeping next to her that says “I just F’ed Edelman no lie.” Class act.
After shaking his ass on the duck boat in the Pats parade there were other snapchats getting tossed around of girls partying at his hotel. And here’s my lesson of the day. I’m embarrassed of my generation and the fact that we live in the mentality of pics or it didn’t happen but at the same time, Jules–you just won a Super Bowl and you’re hot as shit, MAYBE start scooping up phones when you hang out (bang) girls you meat at the club. How does this relate to my SI Juice? Jeets was a PRO at banging randoms and keeping it under wraps. Rumors are that there were no cellphones allowed past the gates of St. Jetersberg and he even gave out gift baskets to compensate disabling all social media bragging rights. Take notes, Jules cause you can’t be having every post-victory tryst broadcast on the twitterverse. And that’s my lesson for the day. You’re welcome. If you’d like to hire me for PR, visit my about page for contact info.
5. Ugh, if I must, JT confirmed on his birthday (January 31st) that him and that wife of his areexpecting even though we all saw her baby bump for a while now…This was totally a case of if I look away it’s not really happening. Neither of them publicly confirmed it so I pretended she wasn’t really pregs and when he broke the news on his birthday he honestly ruined a joyous occasion for me and I hope that he’s happy about that. I’m guessing this means I no longer have a chance. Whutever.
I’d like to bring us all back to a magical time when the girls were taller than the boys, the hip hop was full of dirty references that sailed over our heads and grinding at a school dance was prohibited, but we did it anyway. Ah yes, the fast and loose days of middle school/high school dances, where boys become squeakier awkward boys who are unsure of hand placement and girls become rap video hoes. Here’s a playlist of the best high school dance jams of the mid-2000’s that we can now listen to while we drink alcohol, legally.
DISCLAIMER: NSFW, Includes inapprops songs & lyrics
Fun fact: My high school made national news for our “lewd and suggestive dancing” AKA grinding while I was there and it got to the point where they distributed bracelets at dances and after three strikes of getting caught writhing your bodies together, bracelets were snipped and teens were tossed. Keep that in mind as you listen to this playlist. (Also fellow FM’ers relive the article here.)
1. Golddigger-Kanye West Ft. Jamie Foxx. Hey remember when Kanye was young and unknown and had that cute little chubby face and adorbs smile? WHUT HAPPENED. This song is a classic hate on yo bitches song. She pops out a few kids and now she’s getting a weekly check from her baby daddy? UH UH, HONEY.
Best Lyric:She was supposed to buy your shorty TYCO with your money She went to the doctor got lypo with your money She walking around looking like Michael with your money (MAY HE R.I.P) Should’ve got that insured got GEICO for your money, money, money
2. Shake Ya Tailfeather-Nelly Ft. Murphy Lee & P. Diddy. The only time I would hear cop sirens at a dance is when this beat started spinning. Nelly and the Bad Boyz told me to shake my ass around in a nice bird comparison and suddenly it was classy and cool instead of inapprops. When they rapped about collecting so much grass Popo thinking they mow lawns, I actually thought they were in the landscaping biz. I wisened up around sophomore year.
Best Lyric:Is that your ass or your momma have reindeer? I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
3. Promiscuous- Nelly Furtado Ft. Timbaland. No shame, this song is still 100% my jam. My gurl Nelly going from singing folk songs about being like a bird to telling Timbaland to listen up if he wants to get laid and I respect the hell outta her hustle.
Best Lyric: I’m out of this world come with me to my planet. Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it? No Nelly, no I cannot.
4. Lean Back- Fat Joe. JOE CRACK THE DON UH. This song was one of the first that created a dance that white chicks looked real stupid doing. Please picture a group of 12 year olds standing in a circle wearing the same ribbed tanks and flared jeans all simultaneously leaning back. That’s hood right there.
Best Lyric:Listen we don’t pay admission, And bouncers don’t check us, And we walk around the metal detectors. And there really ain’t no need for a VIP section in the middle of the dance floor, Reckless, check it, said it?! That’s totally how me and my bitches would roll at the dances too, VIP for days.
5. London Bridge (Oh Shit)- Fergie. Fergie Ferg split from the Black Eyed Peas and set out to show everyone she’s still a baddddd bitchhh. She has a real knack for taking a precious children’s song and making it into a slutty anthem about dropping dem drawers. Confession time, I went to a Black Eyed Peas concert (free tix) at the same time that Fergz released this song and saw her perform it live and writhe around on stage and it was SO WORTH IT.
Best Lyric:That Grey Goose got your girl feelin loose. Now Im wishin that I didn’t wear these shoes. Story of my life, amirite ladies?
6. Mesmerize- Ja Rule Ft. Ashanti. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I would like to live in a world where Ja & Ashanti still churn out back to back fire hip-hop jams with disgusting sexual innuendos. These two were a dynamic duo and unfortunately Ja Rule had to go and get himself locked up and that pretty much ceased all MTV hip hop jams. I understand that this is more of a slow jam, but I could not in good conscience make a throwback mix without these two musical geniuses. I mean, they recreated Grease for their music video…THAT body suit.
Best Lyric:Now you street promotin the dick game is potent Cause in the bed a n**** go hard like Jordan. Ja certainly didn’t have confidence issues in the bedroom. Runner Up:I’ve got a fetish for f****ing you with your skirt on. Yes.
7. Tipsy- J-Kwon. I sincerely apologize that this isn’t the version that starts out with our boy J-Kwon lecturing that teen drinking is very bad before he declares he has a fake ID though. What a BAMF. Was this the song that started the phase of saying Errebody instead of Everybody? I hope so. Do I still use it every once and a while? Yes I do. Sue me. This is the first song (but certainly not the last) I added to this playlist where I read the lyrics and was shocked at how disgusting they were because I clearly didn’t know them in middle school.
Best Lyric: Dude I don’t care I’m a P.I.M.P. Seriously another thing I still say. I think the moral of the story here is that I need new material.
8. Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani. Punk rock girl goes rapper/badass?! Sign me up. It married my love for emo punk music and my love for spelling the word bananas. I distinctly remember this song being released before the 8th grade trip to Cleveland and the few lucky ones that had the very first iPod loaded that shit up for the bus ride there. There was a lot of headphone sharing and lapsitting (13 year old hormones) and they probably also played it on our shitty 8th grade dance cruise on some body of water in Ohio. What a killer trip.
Best Lyric: OBVIOUSLY Let me hear you say this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
9. Milkshake-Kelis. Ah the best kind of hip-hop song is about food with sexual meanings. I grew up thinking a milkshake was a nice cold beverage usually with chocolate flavor. Kelis stomped that out of my brain real quick with this song. Milkshake is now the goods, and it BRINGS DEM BOYZ. My mom recently got this song title during Christmas game night as a song that she had to hum and get us to guess…there was drinking involved and she just kept shouting GIRLS ALL AROUND to the tune of Milkshake and no one guessed it. Apparently we have very different memories of this song. Regardless my point being that even moms can get down with this sick beat.
Best Lyric:La la-la la la, Warm it up. Lala-lalala, The boys are waiting (Not a lot of substance here, Kelis.)
10. Hey Ya-Outkast. Ah another cool song that created a movement of white girls trying to learn a music video dance move. The “Shake it like a Polaroid picture” spastic motion. It was COOL, guys. No but actually Outkast WAS awesome. They could sing the stupidest lyrics and it would be legit. (Ex: Roses really smell like poo.) Anyway they made talking in a song sound smooth even though I hate it in every other song. I’ve never wanted to lend sugar to my neighbor more.
Best Lyric:Don’t want to meet your momma, just want to make you cum-a. Seriously, moms and cumming in the same sentence, Bravo sir, Bravo.
11. Yeah!- Usher Ft. Lil Jon & Ludacris. This song was a straight up dance staple. I think they played it at every dance I went to from 7th grade to 12th grade and if they ever play it in a bar I’m in it’s a surefire way to get me to do the Q-tip. Just kidding, I dance better than that. Sort of. I’m pretty proud of this song because it was the first one where I memorized an entire rapper’s cameo word for word. Luda was my boy and mostly because he rapped slow enough and enunciated so that I could keep up. He was the Drake while Drake was still Jimmy in a wheelchair at Degrassi High. That said, his entire verse in this song is still the best thing I’ve ever heard. He wins best lyric, but if I have to pick just one…
Best (Most repeatable) Lyric:We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Life goals.
12. We Be Burnin- Sean Paul. Mostly put this on so that I can remind everyone of this Jamaican accented man who put out the same song over and over and everyone still loved it so hard. He also referred to himself as Sean dah Paul. Not sure why. I learned a lot while looking through these lyrics, mostly that Sean dah Paul did not speak a lick of English. I pulled the one lyric that made the most sense to me…and that’s saying a lot.
Best Lyric:Cause the girls we be poking have to smoking. Note: Sean ain’t gonna poke ya unless you smoke, LADieZZ.
13. Overnight Celebrity-Twista. You know how Jason DeRulo claimed that he could make me famous on Instagram last year in “Wiggle”? I hate to break it to ya Jason, but Twista was the original talent scout. He didn’t have Instagram yet, but he could put you on the Soul Train Awards. Boom Roasted. Game over with me ever trying to rap along with this song. Seriously I think Twista is the fastest rapper ever. So much street cred though. Bonus points for the chick who sounds like a pterodactyl climaxing mid-song.
Best Lyric:Girl I see you, in them apple bottom jeans, Chinchilla on your back, I wanna know your name. YES. Apple. Bottom. Jeans. Wait Chinchilla? Ew.
14. Get Low- Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz. You always know it’s going to be a legit song when you’re dealing with Boyz with a Z. This song came on and all the horny and dirty little teenagers rubbed their hands together and got ready to scream “TIL THE SWEAT DRIPS DOWN MY BALLS” at the top of their lungs when the pre-approved Melvin of a DJ inevitably played the clean, over-edited version. I’m pretty sure the principal threatened to cut the song completely one night because we wouldn’t stop screaming about sweaty balls and skeet skeeting. I thank Lil Jon every day for that. I’m pretty sure this is where Jersey turnpiking also started.
Best Lyric: Lil Jon and the East side boys wit me and we all like to see ass and titties. Classic T&A. Also if we’re being honest this whole song is a best lyric. WHO comes up with that chorus?!
15. 1,2 Step-Ciara. Luckily for me I have a friend named Sierra and this song has NEVER died out. If your friendship blossoms around a time when your friend’s name is in a cool song that’s something you milk for the rest of their life. I don’t think she once entered a room in middle school without someone singing, “The Princess is here—–CIIIARRRRRAAAA.” Not a bad greeting, if you ask me. Missy Elliott may have helped out on this song but Ciara handled herself pretty well for a fresh chick to the scene. Also I just noticed this is probably the cleanest song on this playlist. You’re welcome, Adults.
Best Lyric:I eat fillet mignon, And I’m nice and young, Best believe I’m number one. Anyone who rhymes Filet Mignon wins all the awards. I miss Missy.
16. Hot in Herre- Nelly. NELLY and his DAMN piece of tape/bandaid under his eye. What a goon. I’m pretty sure most girls would dance to this by actually stripping off their zip up hoodie, so parents please feel comforted in the fact that your young daughters learned how to strip before they learned how to drive. It’s Nelly’s fault really. He condoned taking your clothes off when the temps rise. And boy did those gyms get WARM. (Side note: I had a real moral dilemma choosing between this song and Flap Your Wings because it was equally as defining a moment when Nelly taught us how to drop down and get our eagle on.)
Best Lyric:So take it off like your home alone, You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone, Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend, like “girl I think my butt gettin big” (To be clear I’ve never stared at myself naked while I’m on the phone with my friends.)
17. Lady Marmalade- Christina Aguilera, Pink, Mya, Lil Kim. Here’s the long overdue lady jam of the playlist. A bunch of divas get together and sing about getting banged in French, Moulin Rouge, style. Apparently they all hated each other but I don’t care because they tolerated each other long enough to make this song that I can wail along to with my Xtina hands in full motion. Also this is another great song that taught young girls how to act like prostitutes. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch though, adults because let’s all remember that today’s youth is listening to Nicki Minaj rap about her ladybits innaprops style while shaking her butthole on MTV. Jus sayin. We were golden compared to that.
Best Lyric:We drink wine with diamonds in the glass by the case the meaning of expensive taste. YEAH girls who get mistaken for whores drinking WINE=CLASSY.
18. In Da Club- 50 Cent. TECHNICALLY Candy Shop was more the time period of school dances for me, but In Da Club is 5000x better and will always be a classic, hope you’re cool with me picking it instead of licking 50’s lollipop. 50 Cent came out of no where and all anyone knew about him was that he got shot 9 times. What an air of mystery he had. This music video consists of him doing sit-ups upside down and bullet wounds or not, bro’s got like an 18-pack. Anyway, this one glorious song opened the door for dorky dads to say “Go shorty, it’s your birthday” for the rest of time.
Best Lyric:Been hit wit a few shells but I don’t walk wit a limp.- A few? NINE.
19. Don’t Cha- Pussycat Dolls Ft. Busta Rhymes. Ah, I bet you thought you would snake on through this playlist without PCD, but I HAD to. Yeah they’re a bunch of glorified strippers who were put together as a girl group with one actual talented singer, but THEY WERE THE VOICES OF OUR GENERATION. Just kidding. They popped out good dance jams and were obviously feminists. (Ex: Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?) True life, I never wanted anything more than I wanted a PCD hoodie with the cool words written over the top of the hood.
Best Lyric:Tryna put it on me till my balls black an blueish. Hey Busta, let’s cool it with the visuals for a second.
20. My Love- Justin Timberlake Ft. T.I. AHHHHHHH JT
Best Lyric:(Trust me) You don’t really wanna let the chance go by ’cause you ain’t been seen wit a man so fly. TRUTH. Who turns down JT? There is no flyer man.
Whether you listen to this playlist while you’re boozin or running, never forget that you once gyrated to each song in a dark gym or cafeteria with lame streamers hanging from the walls and the smell of sweaty teens wafting through the air. You’re welcome.
1. Okay so obviously JT and Jimmy Fallon read The Salty Ju because after hearing my cries of a reunion they did a skit together on Tuesday’s Tonight Show. Although it may not have been the full show that I was pleading for, it was just enough of a taste of their terrific bromance, duet and general stupidity to tide me over until JT can make a full appearance. (I’m assuming they filmed this in between JT attending Tay’s 25th and tearing down Brooklyn with Jay-Z)
2. Several sketchy sources have confirmed that Jeets bought a house in Skaneateles. So I’m here to report that Derek Jeter is moving to Skaneateles. Did I read this article and deduct my own story from it? Absolutely. But every one knows that his house in Skan-town will be SOOOO much better than St. Jetersberg. I mean naturally right after I move out of the ‘Nang, the holy specimen that is Jeter moves on in. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Don’t answer that.
(Special thank you to my sister who sent me a text at 6:48AM this morning with this insider info)
3. Nick Jonas was dallying around NYC the other day and decided to go into FAO Schwarz (suicide mission at Christmas time…not sure what compelled him to do this) but the result of his visit was an impromptu performance of Jealous on the big piano. Yes please.
4.Ashlee Simpson is officially pregs with her second child. After going through her bad boy phase with Pete Wentz and having her first baby Bronx (why..) several years ago…Ashlee faded into oblivion and was just married to Evan Ross aka son of Diana Ross. This is obviously not news–this is just an excuse for me to post clips from her reality show circa ten years ago when her and Ryan Cabrera were the “it” couple and she was constantly wah-wahing about how Jess gets all the attention. Your weekend laughs are provided by a melodramatic Ash pre-dying her hair goth black to stand out and be edgy.
5. People has their first ever People Magazine Awards last night and provided us with some great fashion moments as well as this worthy nugget from Chris Messina and Mindy Kaling winning best onscreen couple in The Mindy Project. They are the dream couple.
Also Jennifer Lopez made me eat my words from the last awards show that I critiqued her outfit at. SHE IS LITERALLY 45 and she looks like THIS.
The Salty Ju 