Music, Playlist

Lady Jams Playlist

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This is one of those collections of songs that could possibly be embarrassing to jam to, and are also mostly one-hit wonders…but most importantly, when the CD-R was invented, you bet your bottom dollar these were some of the first songs I burned to a mix, tossed into my karaoke player and bumped. One thing they all have in common is that they’re lady singers. So pour a glass of pinot grig, put on your yoga pants and feel all the feels with this gurl pop throwback playlist. #BOYSSTINK

1. I Wanna Be Bad- Willa Ford. I always believe in starting off a mix with a hard bang and I think we can all agree Willa Ford, certified badgurl does just that. Never to be heard from again after the TRL days, I’m assuming good ole Willa and her boy Royce did some jail time cause they’re BaD 2 tha BONE. PS my sister had a friend who claimed Willa Ford was her babysitter and used to steal blueberries from their fridge. #BadGirlLyfe

2. Everything- M2M. These two hail from Norway and America welcomed them with wide open arms. Their jams were so hot one of them even ended up in a Pokemon movie. This particular number was performed on Dawson’s Creek’s spring break episode. If it’s good enough for Pacey, it’s good enough for me.

3. Stuck- Stacie Orrico. Oh how I miss Stacy with an “ie”. This was a sassy boy troubles song and to be honest I don’t think our girl Stace ever came out with anything else. Go out on top, that’s what I always like to say. Correction: She also sang “There’s Gotta Be More To Life” which is also a top hit. 

4. All the Things She Said- t.A.T.u. I guess we were all SUPER diverse with our music duos in the 2000’s because this is a Russian group—I had to look that up because all I remembered about terribly named t.A.T.u was that they were lesbians. Not even sure if that’s a rumor…but they did smooch in the video which was REAL scandalous.

5. Breathe (2 AM)- Anna Nalick. If you didn’t memorize every single word to this song when it came out I don’t want to know you as a person. It’s kind of a downer, but I couldn’t make an all girl tribute from the 2000’s and not include Anna. So this will be the part of the playlist where you think about what you’ve done, and JUST BREATHE. PS immature Julia laughed at “naked in front of the crowd” every time. Sorry not sorry.

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6. 4ever- The Veronicas. The Veronicas were a couple of BA’s. Realistically I don’t know anything about them but both of their hits banged real hard. In fact, I still use the intro to “Untouched” as an alarm sometimes when I want to wake up terrified and disoriented. As you might recall, this number scored the infamous carnival scene from She’s the Man where Amanda Bynes switches from girl to boy faster than you can pull popcorn out of your cleavage.

7. Gotta Tell You- Samantha Mumba. Samantha is Irish?! I tell ya, learn something new everyday. Anyway, Gotta Tell You is a great dance number if say, you wanted to invite 10 of your closest gal pals over for a slumber and choreograph an intricate dance like you’re all Wade Robson.

8. Rush- Aly&AJ. Wouldn’t be a Salty Ju mix unless I snuck a little Disney love into play. Were they pretty queer in their DCOM’s? Obviously. But is this song a hot rock number for two Disney blondes? Absolutely.

9. Ordinary Day- Vanessa Carlton. Threw you a curveball here. Everyone and their mother knows that A Thousand Miles is the anthem of the 2000’s. I decided to switch it up with an underdog from our favorite piano-playin gal. She sings about falling in love in a dream or something? Who cares when you’re wailing at the top of your lungs in a solo car concert with Ness. If only I also had a piano in my car…

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10. Take Me Away- FeFe Dobson. In my 13th year, I went through a really hardcore punk phase. It was the days of Ashlee Simpson and Avril and FeFe. Feef’s was my girl because she wore wife-beaters and studded belts and rocked hard. I purchased her CD with my hard-earned money and I’m not ashamed to admit I unearthed it recently and remembered every word. She even has a creepy song called Julia, so we’re basically BFFs.

11. What Do You Do- The Troys. This probably also could’ve gone on my 8th grade angst playlist but I forgot about these bada$$e$ so here we are.

12. Love Song- Sara Bareilles. Sara is still crushing it present day, but no one will ever forget her debut piano jam that set a precedent for independent woman all ova! Also this is another ideal song for exercising your vocal range at a slower pace.

13. Dumb Girls- Lucy Woodward. A catchy one-hit wonder for Lucy also happens to be REAL cheesy. At least she tries to be a rebel with, “I look at the ground and give the sky the middle finger.” YEAH YOU FLICK THAT SKY OFF.

14. It’s About Time- Lillix. I actually forgot about Lillix for a minute until last weekend when my sister’s ipod shuffle brought it back (among The Click Five…yikes) but I’m glad they came back into my life just before I made this playlist. Pretty sure I had their CD too, because I had an eclectic taste in music, obviously.

15. Everywhere- Michelle Branch. The millennium didn’t have music if it wasn’t for the dynamic duo of Michelle and Vanessa. Their piano-slammin hits about boys completed me. Michelle had a leg up over Vanessa with weird pronunciations of words though so I’d like to thank her for the pure joy I get from singing “turn it inside out so I can seee-UH.”

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16. Why Not- Hilary Duff. Heard this classic at a pre-game a couple weeks ago and had the unfortunate realization that I once thought it was VERY cool to put the lyric “You always dress in yellow, when you wanna dress in GOLD” in my AIM profile and highlight the font in yellow. Yikes, Julia. Regardless of how stupid the lyrics are to this song, it’s still a classic. How else would you know how to get to heaven… or even to L.A.?

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17. Somebody- Bonnie McKee. One last mellow cry before we end this mix with a bang. Apparently Bonnie is making dance pop hits now but let’s never forget the time when she was wah-wahing about how single she was. At my very first parent-less concert (Ryan Cabrera), she opened and I got to meet her. Pretty sure I was the asshole who was like I don’t even know this chick and thus I don’t care but what a great ballad this is for crying into your wine. Just me? Nevermind.

18. Leave (Get Out)- JoJo. Not only does this song slay but it has a message, and that message is LEAVE because my mix is over and our time together is done. No seriously, GET OUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!! PS how impressive is it that a thirteen year old wailed that note?

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Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k13

Soak in the last few weeks of summer weather by kicking it back to 2013 where we were clearly in a heavy country phase. It’s fine though because it’s impossible to have the end of the summer scaries while singing about beer, cutoffs and tanlines.

Summer Jam- Jake Owen Ft. Florida Georgia Line. This song was made for summer palooza…plus there’s not a more flattering compliment than telling a chick that she’s sweeter than your sweet nanny’s lemonade.

It Goes Like This- Thomas Rhett. What a country doll Thomas is, writing songs to get girls. He obviously knows how to get tail.

Back Together- Jesse McCartney. We can all laugh it up reminiscing Jesse’s days in Dreamstreet or serenading us with Beautiful Soul but boy has GROWN UP. This was a comeback after he’d disappeared for a minute and it’s a real sassy number. Whiny kid from Summerland NO MORE!

That’s My Kinda Night- Luke Bryan. Luke does his best work when he throws down booty-shakin songs and this is one of his greatest. My kind of night is any one where I can see Luke switch his hat backward and swivel his hips, if anyone’s asking.

Brave- Sara Bareilles. Here’s an obligatory girl power song that also happened to sound almost exactly like a Katy Perry song except Katy can kick rocks because this one is way better. I just admitted that because I’m saying what I want to say…I’m being brave just like Sara told me to.

I Hope It Rains- Jana Kramer. I think this Jana song was pre-One Tree Hill in her Alex Dupre days so it’s not as saucy as when she was trying to steal Julian from Brooke Davis. Anyway, known to go down the aisle a time or two, Jana sings about an ex getting married and hoping his wedding day is ruined by a monsoon.

Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke Ft. Pharell. Hey remember when this song was the tits (literally…have you seen the video?) and then suddenly it got a lot of heat for promoting rape culture—oopsie! Either way it’s pretty catchy, sue me.

I Want Crazy- Hunter Hayes. Lil baby Hunter doesn’t want a vanilla relationship, he wants crazy love and I’m thinking maybe he should wait until he’s a little older and no longer has a curfew for such mature relationships. Has he even graduated high school yet? Anyway, I was really proud of the day I finally nailed these lyrics, it was right around the end of summer. I worked really hard.

Rebel Beat- Goo Goo Dolls. The Goo Goo Dolls went away for like a casual 10 years and got a whole lot older but when they came back they were better than ever. This song has a nice hipster vibe to it to show they aren’t stuck in the 90’s and it’s super fun.

Wasting All These Tears- Cassadee Pope. Cassadee’s a The Voice one hit wonder and this is a nice power ballad for post break up times or just like a really good car concert.

Whatever She’s Got- David Nail. This song was probably written about me cause guys are always in awe of my lethal combo of hotness and personality.

Best I Ever Had- Gavin DeGraw. Gavin went for a different sound with this one and it’s a real upbeat clapper, plus he shouts out a bunch of states in the middle of it randomly. He skips New York…I’ll have to forgive him for his obvious misstep.

Don’t Ya- Brett Eldredge. Brett’s first single before he was my future husband! Oh how far he’s come. Obviously it’s a banger because that’s all he releases.

Take Back the Night- Justin Timberlake. JT can do no wrong, even when he uses a slogan for rape victims as a song title. He simply tips his fedora and moonwalks away.

Round Here- Florida Georgia Line. FGL hit a hot streak with their first album and then they wore one too many barf.com vests in public and suddenly their songs weren’t as cool. This one covers all the basics though, fireball and dancing.

Gone, Gone, Gone- Phillip Phillips. What a beautiful love song from dubz Phil. What ever happened to him?

Counting Stars- OneRepublic. Ryan Tedder is always good for tunes, whether they’re his own or with others (cough cough I know places with Taylor Swift) and this one is no different.

Still Into You- Paramore. Sometimes I just like to remember the time when I thought I was punk rock because I watched the Ashlee Simpson show and Paramore always helps me do that. Girl changes her hair color to a different abrasive shade of red every 10 minutes but she knows angsty pop like nobody’s biz.

White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. He’s just so funny in his bright red shirt. Vanessa drops a HUGE clue in this one for any future suitors…just be funny and you’ve got a one way ticket into her pants.

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Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap

I should probably stop having such high hopes for these types of awards shows. It was preeetttyyy roughsicles but there were some glimmers throughout the three hours so here are your highs and lows of the night.

Highs

-Tswizzle made her public debut with Calvin Harris as her boo thang. Every award that she won (there were many) she made sure to hug everyone in her crew but Calv got some smooch action and it was hot sauce. Would’ve been even spicier if Calvin had gone in for the ass grab below, but whateva…the point is they’re obviously porking.

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-Speaking of hot sauce, Nick Jonas performed “Jealous” and even though he was essentially wearing a foil blanket that marathon runners get once they’ve finished the race and there were lots of lasers and graphics trying to distract me, he still dripped sex.

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-Sam Smith wins top male artist and had to give a silent thank you because he’s having throat surgery, so he made cue cards that told Taylor to play blackjack, shouted out Nicki’s big azzzz and signed up Ed for a Chippendales dance. It was cute and also a quick reminder that all of these mega rich famous people are BFF’s.

-Ed Sheeran murders “Bloodstream” and it’s easily the best performance of the night. I’d like to see ANYONE in that slew of performances that paled in comparison to get up there and run a loop pedal like that. They can’t, so they tromp around the stage in bras instead. (I’m lookin at you, Nicki.)

Full Performance Here

-Harry gave Nial’s junk a little love tap in their victory walk.

-After winning, 1D took the high road (and their publicist’s strong advice, I’m guessing) to thank “their brother Zayn”…which is more mature than calling him out on Twitter, but much less exciting.

-The Florida Georgia Line vest twins each wore nice, flattering, attractive suits. Whoa.

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-Meredith Grey. Get it grrrrl.

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-The Empire mashup gave us some beatz to work with…fictional or not it was a solid performance.

-Simple Minds perform “Don’t You Forget About Me” for 30 year Breakfast Club tribute. Lead singer wearing the shit out of a plaid blazer, accentuates it with a whole lot of gyrating.

Lows

-Taylor’s Hunger Games style “Bad Blood” music video with every single person she’s ever talked to starring as a different villain trying to kill her. It was way too much and the remix wasn’t my fave. Girl looked great but come on. Best villain name: Slay-Z for Gigi. I want that to be my alter ego. Also Tay as a ginge. Watch below if you want sensory overload.

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-Opening performance of Van Halen so they can catch their target audience of old people before they go to bed at 9PM. The forced sexual shout out to Nicki Minaj mid-song was a little too “HEY WE’RE HIP AND KNOW THINGS”

-Hate to say it but Chrissy Teigen and LUUUDAAAA were kind of duds at hosting. Luda should’ve done a medley of his hits to kick off the show. THAT would have been the stuff. Chrissy kept relying on cracks about how she gets penetrated by John Legend on the reg. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been better.

-Mariah Carey performs to let everyone know that she’s retiring to Las Vegas and she doesn’t sing one of her old bangers so what was even the point of that? She also shrieks at the end, which is a nice reminder that she has to struggle to hit the high notes these days.

– The 1000th Paul Walker tribute with “See You Again” where Wiz decides to honor his homie Paul by going nips out for the boys in a nude colored blouse. Then had a nice quick seizure at the end. RIP

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17:  Rapper Wiz Khalifa performs onstage during the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/BMA2015/FilmMagic)LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17:  Musician Charlie Puth (L) and rapper Wiz Khalifa perform onstage during the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Kevin Winter/BMA2015/Getty Images for dcp)

-Little Big Town and Faith Hill with a hard buzzcut sing “Girl Crush”. Could this song be any slower? Could Faith’s hair be any shorter?

-The Billboard Music Awards started F’ing with me when they put two people I despise onstage together for a collab. Pitbull and Chris Brown. It’s like they were almost taunting me to turn the TV off. (I chose to take a snack break instead.)

-It’s actually embarrassing that the Britney/Iggy song had to follow Ed. Because it is trash. Britney wore duct tape over her lady bits, which was really considerate of her. They did tacky 80’s choreography to match this shitty song and I wanted to close my eyes and ears so many times. Petition for Britney and Mariah to stick to Vegas.

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-Molly Ringwald thirstily asks if she can be part of Taylor’s crew and they ham it up in the audience because honestly who doesn’t want to be included in the popular crowd? Kind of embarrassing that you have to ask though, right Molls?

-Imagine Dragons, best known for their wild performances banging on drums and screaming do the Ben E King tribute with “Stand By Me”. Hmm…really makes you wonder who pinpointed them as the best option for that.

-Kayne is the closer and it’s about 6 minutes of pyrotechnics and silence. 99% of his song is bleeped out and you can’t even see him. THAT IS ART.

-Chrissy and Luda sign off and take a S***. Oh wait…I’m not a square so I’m allowed to say what they did. THEY TOOK A SHOT. They literally tossed back liquor on television BUT WEREN’T ALLOWED TO SAY THE WORD SHOT WITHOUT IT GETTING BLEEPED OUT. In what world does it make sense to have every female singer parade their RB curtz around stage just fine but the word SHOT (also can be used to describe a vaccination) is censored off the TV. Mic. Drop.

Full Winners List:

Top Duo/Group- One Direction Top Billboard 200 Album- Taylor Swift, 1989 Top Rap Song- “Fancy” Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX Top Male Artist- Sam Smith Top Radio Song- “All of Me” John Legend Top Female Artist- Taylor Swift Top Touring Artist- One Direction Top Hot 100 Song- “All About That Bass” Meghan Trainor Billboard Artist (fan-voted)-Taylor Swift Top Country Artist- Florida Georgia Line Top Artist- Taylor Swift

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Music, Playlist

90’s Pop Jamz

It’s been a while since I’ve forced everyone to listen to the best songs of previous decades so here we are again. This time it’s the OBVIOUS pop bangers of the 90’s and early 2000’s focusing on boy bands and girl bands who were the stuff (with the additional bada$$ bitches who were solo.)

1. Bye, Bye, Bye- N*SYNC. I mean obviously this playlist needs to start with the OG of boy bands, the pinnacle, if you will. Though difficult to pick just one N*SYNC classic, this one came with it’s own dance move and therefore has stood the test of time.

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2. Oops!…I Did It Again- Britney Spears. Because back then there wasn’t a Justin without a Britney. The best kind of song is one that starts with what sounds like a car attempting and failing to start and has a break in the middle for a quick Broadway play…Aww, you shouldn’t have. No really Brit, you shouldn’t have. Mid-song talkies are the worst. But this song isn’t.

3. MMMBop- Hanson. Three young boys with floor length blonde locks sing a song that we LITERALLY will never know the words to. Seriously, WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY SAYING? Whatever, it’s catchy AF.

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4. Waterfalls- TLC. This song is about people dying of AIDS and drug overdoses and stuff, pretty heavy, but if you use a metaphor about bodies of water to describe it, suddenly it’s a fresh song with a little sax thrown in. If you can master the Left Eye (may she rest in peace) rap in this then I absolutely need to be your friend.

5. Back Here- BBMak. It’s unfortunate that these guys came out around the same time as N*SYNC and BSB cause they pretty much didn’t stand a chance. They also had the hairstyles of a punk rock band so that was strike 2. Good news is they know how to write a killer whiny love song.

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6. Genie In A Bottle- Christina Aguilera. We’ve seen a lot of Christina’s in our lifetime, Dirrty Xtina wearing assless chaps, retro Christina trying to make the 50’s cool and more recently The Voice Christina trying to be a part of the boys club. It’s important for us not to forget that she got her start being suuuuper innocent singing about getting rubbed the right way. Get it, girl!

7. When The Lights Go Out- 5ive. Damn this boy band had a little FLAVA. And I’m not just talking about how clever it was that they literally used the number 5 in their band name. I’m referring to the swagger they had in this song. SECOND VERSE, GIRL-The rapping is on point. They’re bragging about their bedroom skills and I for one couldn’t wait for them to show me what it’s all about. Not so much after this picture though…

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8. No More (Baby I’ma Do Right)- 3LW. If you don’t listen to this song and immediately burst out laughing to “broken promithes, promithes” you don’t like fun things. 3LW may have had a little street cred as a girl band and telling off their deadbeat men, but THAT LISP. Also they really drive the point home in this song by repeating every word, just in case. Fun fact: I saw them open for N*SYNC and they came out in janitor jumpsuits and stripped them off mid song while dancing and it was suuuupes impressive. It obviously didn’t take a lot for me to be dazzled at that age.

9. Give Me Just One Night- 98 Degrees. We’re going to sweep it under the rug that 98 degrees tried to make a comeback with a song about blowies and really relish the good ole days where all they needed was one night (one night) with a girl. Not for nothing but this song was educational in teaching me my first Spanish words.

10. Wannabe- Spice Girls. The Spice Girls created the girl group and also taught us about Brits. I used to reenact scenes from the Spice Girl movie during recess, unfortunately everyone’s favorite was Baby and BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH BROWN HAIR I had to be Posh or Sporty. Both options suck and so did my British accent but I digress. Here’s another song where I have heard it 1000 times and still don’t know what they’re saying, but I certainly know that Bevin, Peyton Brooke and Haley did a choreographed dance to it on the roof of a house party. PS Scary Spice’s cackle is EXACTLY how she got her name.

11. The Animal Song- Savage Garden. Let’s slow it down now with two baby faces with the falsetto of angels. This song is about how they wish they were animals because then they could run around all carefree. Don’t we all wish that, Savage Garden, don’t we all. Anyway their CD (I’m pretty sure they only have one?) is the best crying soundtrack you could ever ask for. Trust me. Plus: pwetty boys.

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12. S Club Party- S Club 7. Again, here we are with another classssic British band that taught me new things. For example, I learned that hoochie mamas show their nana’s at any good party. For the record, if their show was still on the air I would still be watching it because it was the shit. Unfortunately S Club 7 pretty much fell off the wagon and tried to do a comeback recently that was quite a scene. Jo no longer has the flow, let’s just say that.

13. Summergirls- LFO. LFO was the badass version of boy bands. They mused nonsense about Scooby snacks and Chinese food and we were like yes, please, Rich.

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14. Candy- Mandy Moore. Again, might be hard to recall a time when Mandy was REAL blonde and singing about craving a boy like she craves candy. Suuuch a stupid song but doesn’t make it any less catchy. Love always, Mandy.

15. Liquid Dreams- O-Town. The original Making the Band kicked off reality TV AND gave us a song about wet dreams. Could we really ask for more? It concerns me to report that my sister and I spent a whole summer day on my back deck choregraphing a dance to this song and not once did my mom say hey maybe stop shimmying to a song about boner jams. It was a great dance though.

16. C’est La Vie- B*Witched. It’s pretty much a rule at this point that if you have an asterick in your band name your cool factor is top notch. These chicks are also suuuupes Irish, which pushes their cool factor through the roof. You don’t get too many pop songs that you could literally do an irish jig in the middle to some bag pipes and that’s what makes this song gr8. Plus it starts with “Some people say I look like me dad”…which doesn’t even make sense.

17. Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)- Aaron Carter. I refuse to ever make a 90’s pop playlist without my gangsta AC. Kid was like 4 ft. tall wearing oversized FUBU with white Nikes and apparently knew how to threw a kiiiickin party while his parents catch a matinee. The different characters in this song, the way he’s talking to the honey’s and breakin it down on the living room dance floor instead of being a good host, and his dad grounding him at the end…what a whirlwind of emotions in one song. Was it the party of the month? No. It was the party of the year.

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18. He Loves U Not- Dream. Although I’m pretty sure I never knew anyone’s individual names in Dream, I know that I loved them. They were super sassy. I had(have) their CD and one of their songs was literally them just telling off a guy named Jordan for trying to date them all at once and thinking they wouldn’t find out. THEY FOUND OUT, JORDAN. I made my very first music video (camcorder style) to this song and it was award-winning if I do say so myself. It was supposed to be a dream sequence (get it?) then during the instrumentals we ran around and pulled the letters “D-R-E-A-M” off the wall to show we were going back to real life. Whoa. Copywritten so don’t even try to rip me off, guys.

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Signature Pink Coordinates ❤

19. The Hardest Part of Breaking Up- 2Gether. These clowns were supposed to be a parody of a boy band but their mockery went over our tween idiot heads and we loved them anyway. Also they had a balding 40 year old in the group, casj. AND they rapped about math. WHAT a breakup jam this is though. These bros could get DOWN and they also would like their cat back pls.

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20. I Want It That Way- Backstreet Boys. It seemed like the right thing to do to bookend this playlist with the two rivals and most popular boy bands of the 90’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I was 1000% team N*SYNC, but that never clouded my appreciation for what BSB was doing. Unfortunately a lot of the teens at this time did let it cloud their vision. My dad’s favorite thing to do (his only entertainment really) when he took us to an N*SYNC concert was to ask tweens if this was the BSB concert and just watch their dramats reactions. I would imagine it’s close to going to a 1D concert today and announcing that you can’t wait to see 5 Seconds of Summer? (1D still a touchy subject?) I don’t know. Either way this song gives me all the feels, and I DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAYYYY it doesn’t.

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Music, Playlist

#TBT- High School Dance Playlist

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I’d like to bring us all back to a magical time when the girls were taller than the boys, the hip hop was full of dirty references that sailed over our heads and grinding at a school dance was prohibited, but we did it anyway. Ah yes, the fast and loose days of middle school/high school dances, where boys become squeakier awkward boys who are unsure of hand placement and girls become rap video hoes. Here’s a playlist of the best high school dance jams of the mid-2000’s that we can now listen to while we drink alcohol, legally.

DISCLAIMER: NSFW, Includes inapprops songs & lyrics

Fun fact: My high school made national news for our “lewd and suggestive dancing” AKA grinding while I was there and it got to the point where they distributed bracelets at dances and after three strikes of getting caught writhing your bodies together, bracelets were snipped and teens were tossed. Keep that in mind as you listen to this playlist. (Also fellow FM’ers relive the article here.)

1. Golddigger-Kanye West Ft. Jamie Foxx. Hey remember when Kanye was young and unknown and had that cute little chubby face and adorbs smile? WHUT HAPPENED. This song is a classic hate on yo bitches song. She pops out a few kids and now she’s getting a weekly check from her baby daddy? UH UH, HONEY.

Best Lyric: She was supposed to buy your shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money
(MAY HE R.I.P)
Should’ve got that insured got GEICO for your money, money, money

2. Shake Ya Tailfeather-Nelly Ft. Murphy Lee & P. Diddy. The only time I would hear cop sirens at a dance is when this beat started spinning. Nelly and the Bad Boyz told me to shake my ass around in a nice bird comparison and suddenly it was classy and cool instead of inapprops. When they rapped about collecting so much grass Popo thinking they mow lawns, I actually thought they were in the landscaping biz. I wisened up around sophomore year.

Best Lyric: Is that your ass or your momma have reindeer? I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

3. Promiscuous- Nelly Furtado Ft. Timbaland. No shame, this song is still 100% my jam. My gurl Nelly going from singing folk songs about being like a bird to telling Timbaland to listen up if he wants to get laid and I respect the hell outta her hustle.

Best Lyric:  I’m out of this world come with me to my planet. Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it? No Nelly, no I cannot.

4. Lean Back- Fat Joe. JOE CRACK THE DON UH. This song was one of the first that created a dance that white chicks looked real stupid doing. Please picture a group of 12 year olds standing in a circle wearing the same ribbed tanks and flared jeans all simultaneously leaning back. That’s hood right there.

Best Lyric: Listen we don’t pay admission, And bouncers don’t check us, And we walk around the metal detectors. And there really ain’t no need for a VIP section in the middle of the dance floor, Reckless, check it, said it?! That’s totally how me and my bitches would roll at the dances too, VIP for days.

5. London Bridge (Oh Shit)- Fergie. Fergie Ferg split from the Black Eyed Peas and set out to show everyone she’s still a baddddd bitchhh. She has a real knack for taking a precious children’s song and making it into a slutty anthem about dropping dem drawers. Confession time, I went to a Black Eyed Peas concert (free tix) at the same time that Fergz released this song and saw her perform it live and writhe around on stage and it was SO WORTH IT.

Best Lyric: That Grey Goose got your girl feelin loose. Now Im wishin that I didn’t wear these shoes. Story of my life, amirite ladies?

6. Mesmerize- Ja Rule Ft. Ashanti. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I would like to live in a world where Ja & Ashanti still churn out back to back fire hip-hop jams with disgusting sexual innuendos. These two were a dynamic duo and unfortunately Ja Rule had to go and get himself locked up and that pretty much ceased all MTV hip hop jams. I understand that this is more of a slow jam, but I could not in good conscience make a throwback mix without these two musical geniuses. I mean, they recreated Grease for their music video…THAT body suit.

jaruleashanti

Best Lyric: Now you street promotin the dick game is potent Cause in the bed a n**** go hard like Jordan. Ja certainly didn’t have confidence issues in the bedroom. Runner Up: I’ve got a fetish for f****ing you with your skirt on. Yes.

7. Tipsy- J-Kwon. I sincerely apologize that this isn’t the version that starts out with our boy J-Kwon lecturing that teen drinking is very bad before he declares he has a fake ID though. What a BAMF. Was this the song that started the phase of saying Errebody instead of Everybody? I hope so. Do I still use it every once and a while? Yes I do. Sue me. This is the first song (but certainly not the last) I added to this playlist where I read the lyrics and was shocked at how disgusting they were because I clearly didn’t know them in middle school.

Best Lyric: Dude I don’t care I’m a P.I.M.P. Seriously another thing I still say. I think the moral of the story here is that I need new material.

8. Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani. Punk rock girl goes rapper/badass?! Sign me up. It married my love for emo punk music and my love for spelling the word bananas. I distinctly remember this song being released before the 8th grade trip to Cleveland and the few lucky ones that had the very first iPod loaded that shit up for the bus ride there. There was a lot of headphone sharing and lapsitting (13 year old hormones) and they probably also played it on our shitty 8th grade dance cruise on some body of water in Ohio. What a killer trip.

Best Lyric: OBVIOUSLY Let me hear you say this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

9. Milkshake-Kelis. Ah the best kind of hip-hop song is about food with sexual meanings. I grew up thinking a milkshake was a nice cold beverage usually with chocolate flavor. Kelis stomped that out of my brain real quick with this song. Milkshake is now the goods, and it BRINGS DEM BOYZ. My mom recently got this song title during Christmas game night as a song that she had to hum and get us to guess…there was drinking involved and she just kept shouting GIRLS ALL AROUND to the tune of Milkshake and no one guessed it. Apparently we have very different memories of this song. Regardless my point being that even moms can get down with this sick beat.

Best Lyric: La la-la la la, Warm it up. Lala-lalala, The boys are waiting (Not a lot of substance here, Kelis.)

10. Hey Ya-Outkast. Ah another cool song that created a movement of white girls trying to learn a music video dance move. The “Shake it like a Polaroid picture” spastic motion. It was COOL, guys. No but actually Outkast WAS awesome. They could sing the stupidest lyrics and it would be legit. (Ex: Roses really smell like poo.) Anyway they made talking in a song sound smooth even though I hate it in every other song. I’ve never wanted to lend sugar to my neighbor more.

Best Lyric: Don’t want to meet your momma, just want to make you cum-a. Seriously, moms and cumming in the same sentence, Bravo sir, Bravo.

11. Yeah!- Usher Ft. Lil Jon & Ludacris. This song was a straight up dance staple. I think they played it at every dance I went to from 7th grade to 12th grade and if they ever play it in a bar I’m in it’s a surefire way to get me to do the Q-tip. Just kidding, I dance better than that. Sort of. I’m pretty proud of this song because it was the first one where I memorized an entire rapper’s cameo word for word. Luda was my boy and mostly because he rapped slow enough and enunciated so that I could keep up. He was the Drake while Drake was still Jimmy in a wheelchair at Degrassi High. That said, his entire verse in this song is still the best thing I’ve ever heard. He wins best lyric, but if I have to pick just one…

Best (Most repeatable) Lyric: We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Life goals.

12. We Be Burnin- Sean Paul. Mostly put this on so that I can remind everyone of this Jamaican accented man who put out the same song over and over and everyone still loved it so hard. He also referred to himself as Sean dah Paul. Not sure why. I learned a lot while looking through these lyrics, mostly that Sean dah Paul did not speak a lick of English. I pulled the one lyric that made the most sense to me…and that’s saying a lot.

Best Lyric: Cause the girls we be poking have to smoking. Note: Sean ain’t gonna poke ya unless you smoke, LADieZZ.

13. Overnight Celebrity-Twista. You know how Jason DeRulo claimed that he could make me famous on Instagram last year in “Wiggle”? I hate to break it to ya Jason, but Twista was the original talent scout. He didn’t have Instagram yet, but he could put you on the Soul Train Awards. Boom Roasted. Game over with me ever trying to rap along with this song. Seriously I think Twista is the fastest rapper ever. So much street cred though. Bonus points for the chick who sounds like a pterodactyl climaxing mid-song.

Best Lyric: Girl I see you, in them apple bottom jeans, Chinchilla on your back, I wanna know your name. YES. Apple. Bottom. Jeans. Wait Chinchilla? Ew.

14. Get Low- Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz. You always know it’s going to be a legit song when you’re dealing with Boyz with a Z. This song came on and all the horny and dirty little teenagers rubbed their hands together and got ready to scream “TIL THE SWEAT DRIPS DOWN MY BALLS” at the top of their lungs when the pre-approved Melvin of a DJ inevitably played the clean, over-edited version. I’m pretty sure the principal threatened to cut the song completely one night because we wouldn’t stop screaming about sweaty balls and skeet skeeting. I thank Lil Jon every day for that. I’m pretty sure this is where Jersey turnpiking also started.

Best Lyric: Lil Jon and the East side boys wit me and we all like to see ass and titties. Classic T&A. Also if we’re being honest this whole song is a best lyric. WHO comes up with that chorus?!

15. 1,2 Step-Ciara. Luckily for me I have a friend named Sierra and this song has NEVER died out. If your friendship blossoms around a time when your friend’s name is in a cool song that’s something you milk for the rest of their life. I don’t think she once entered a room in middle school without someone singing, “The Princess is here—–CIIIARRRRRAAAA.” Not a bad greeting, if you ask me. Missy Elliott may have helped out on this song but Ciara handled herself pretty well for a fresh chick to the scene. Also I just noticed this is probably the cleanest song on this playlist. You’re welcome, Adults.

Best Lyric: I eat fillet mignon, And I’m nice and young, Best believe I’m number one. Anyone who rhymes Filet Mignon wins all the awards. I miss Missy.

16. Hot in Herre- Nelly. NELLY and his DAMN piece of tape/bandaid under his eye. What a goon. I’m pretty sure most girls would dance to this by actually stripping off their zip up hoodie, so parents please feel comforted in the fact that your young daughters learned how to strip before they learned how to drive. It’s Nelly’s fault really. He condoned taking your clothes off when the temps rise. And boy did those gyms get WARM. (Side note: I had a real moral dilemma choosing between this song and Flap Your Wings because it was equally as defining a moment when Nelly taught us how to drop down and get our eagle on.)

Best Lyric: So take it off like your home alone, You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone, Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend, like “girl I think my butt gettin big” (To be clear I’ve never stared at myself naked while I’m on the phone with my friends.)

17. Lady Marmalade- Christina Aguilera, Pink, Mya, Lil Kim. Here’s the long overdue lady jam of the playlist. A bunch of divas get together and sing about getting banged in French, Moulin Rouge, style. Apparently they all hated each other but I don’t care because they tolerated each other long enough to make this song that I can wail along to with my Xtina hands in full motion. Also this is another great song that taught young girls how to act like prostitutes. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch though, adults because let’s all remember that today’s youth is listening to Nicki Minaj rap about her ladybits innaprops style while shaking her butthole on MTV. Jus sayin. We were golden compared to that.

Best Lyric: We drink wine with diamonds in the glass by the case the meaning of expensive taste. YEAH girls who get mistaken for whores drinking WINE=CLASSY.

18. In Da Club- 50 Cent. TECHNICALLY Candy Shop was more the time period of school dances for me, but In Da Club is 5000x better and will always be a classic, hope you’re cool with me picking it instead of licking 50’s lollipop. 50 Cent came out of no where and all anyone knew about him was that he got shot 9 times. What an air of mystery he had. This music video consists of him doing sit-ups upside down and bullet wounds or not, bro’s got like an 18-pack. Anyway, this one glorious song opened the door for dorky dads to say “Go shorty, it’s your birthday” for the rest of time.

Best Lyric: Been hit wit a few shells but I don’t walk wit a limp.- A few? NINE.

19. Don’t Cha- Pussycat Dolls Ft. Busta Rhymes. Ah, I bet you thought you would snake on through this playlist without PCD, but I HAD to. Yeah they’re a bunch of glorified strippers who were put together as a girl group with one actual talented singer, but THEY WERE THE VOICES OF OUR GENERATION. Just kidding. They popped out good dance jams and were obviously feminists. (Ex: Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?) True life, I never wanted anything more than I wanted a PCD hoodie with the cool words written over the top of the hood.

Best Lyric: Tryna put it on me till my balls black an blueish. Hey Busta, let’s cool it with the visuals for a second.

20. My Love- Justin Timberlake Ft. T.I. AHHHHHHH JT

Best Lyric: (Trust me) You don’t really wanna let the chance go by ’cause you ain’t been seen wit a man so fly. TRUTH. Who turns down JT? There is no flyer man.

Whether you listen to this playlist while you’re boozin or running, never forget that you once gyrated to each song in a dark gym or cafeteria with lame streamers hanging from the walls and the smell of sweaty teens wafting through the air. You’re welcome.

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Music, Playlist

The ULTIMATE Pop Christmas Playlist

It’s now the acceptable time of year when you start jamming to your Christmas playlists even though the stores have been playing them since Halloween. I’m sure everyone has a go-to Christmas jam, and this playlist is just here to enlighten you to the best pop holiday tunes of all time (according to me, obv.) I haven’t changed my Christmas lineup in roughly ever because the 90’s crushed holiday CD’s so please indulge and share in this guilty pleasure with me. For the record, this is not the place to go for Christmas classics, if you’re looking for Bing Crosby please see yourself to another blog.

  1. All I Want For Christmas Is You-Mariah Carey. If your Christmas CD/mixtape/playlist doesn’t always and forever start with this song then you don’t know the real meaning of Christmas. This song IS Christmas. Every year it kicks off the holidays and I would go so far as to say it’s Mariah Carey’s claim to fame. Forget all that other nonsense, this song can only be sung by Mariah Carey and it will always put me in a fabulous holiday mood.
  2. What Christmas Means to Me-Hanson. Some of you may be shocked by this addition, and will be even more shocked when you see that I doubled up on the Hanson. Well guess what? Hanson’s Christmas album was THE SHIT. Those little pre-pubescent boys with flowing, luscious locks knew how to rock some Santa jams. Listen to this and you’ll immediately start clapping by yourself while drinking some adult hot chocolate (trust me, it’ll make you looser for the clapping part).
  3. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays-N*SYNC. If Hanson’s Christmas CD was great, N*SYNC’s was even better. I don’t know what happened between now and the 90’s that made every artist stop doing Christmas CD’s but clearly that’s where the money’s at. This song was made doubly famous by having the song and music video featured in the 90’s Christmas classic, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” starring the one and only JTT alongside Jessica Biel before she married Justin Timberlake or whatever (dream crusher). I wonder if they met while promoting this movie? Did I just break 15 year old celeb news? Probably. Anyway I recommend adding that movie to your holiday binge cycle, head’s up though there’s a little bit of profanity. Jessica Biel calls JTT a butthole and my mom got REAL ticked with my sister and I for watching such inappropriate content. (True story.) PS Gary Coleman in a green shiny raincoat suit in the music video? Yes please.
  4. The Christmas Song-Michael Buble. This actually is a classic, but even though Bubbles is a real classy guy, he’s not in the rat pack or anything so this is a pop modern version as far as I’m concerned. For realz though, Bub’s voice is like butter. He could serenade me foreva.
  5. Jingle Bell Rock-Aly&AJ. Remember these two Disney goons? One of them continued to be in the spotlight and one didn’t. Don’t ever ask me which is which. They look nothing alike but they ARE Aly&AJ and so as one they will forever be ingrained in my memory. As far as Disney beats go, this is actually not as embarrassing as some others I will include for your listening pleasure. Also these two spunksters end the song with “How’s that for a Christmas song?” THE SASS. THE TUDE. Did Mickey approve this?
  6. I Won’t Be Home for Christmas-Blink 182. The obligatory badass anti-Christmas jam. In my rebellious punk-rock days when I forced my sister to take pictures of me wearing a wife beater and a tie with my tongue hanging out, yeah I was real hard, I got into listening to some HARDCORE pop punk like Blink. It was angsty of me to love a Christmas song that was so inapprops, plus how do you not giggle when he sings about someone in jail unwrapping his package? I also added this song to give me more street cred when you inevitably hate me for the 2 radio Disney songs that are coming up.
  7. A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes-Various Disney Teenieboppers. Part of the fun of this cheeeeeesetastic song is trying to figure out which Disney star from our childhood is singing. Hint: one of them can see the future. I don’t even know if this is technically a Christmas song but it was on one of Radio Disney’s Holiday CD’s so boom, it is now. This is one to slow things down and make you reflect on your inner feels.
  8. My Only Wish (this year)-Britney Spears. CLASSIC asking Santa for a boyfriend song. It’s okay Brit, we’ve all been there. Oh, we haven’t? Whatever guys. Santa gets shit done. Also this song is essentially the plot of every Hallmark/Lifetime holiday movie that I will be aggressively recapping and I don’t hate it.
  9. Last Christmas (I Gave You My Heart)-Savage Garden. Threw you a real curveball with this one. Most of you were expecting the classic WHAM! version that started it all. I’m not knocking good ole George Michael but I’m doing my part in this world to make sure everyone knows about Savage Garden and they’re angel voices. Savage Garden’s genre was known as crying music, that probably wasn’t their specific genre but they were the type of band (of beautiful men) that could sing the happiest song and it still sounded depressing. Great sobfest soundtrack. Thank me later. Regardless, they had just the right amount of whimsical to make this remake a hit.
  10. Merry Christmas Baby-Hanson. The snaps and the piano crush it in the intro to this song. I can’t be the only one who listens to it and has to remind herself that these guys were no older than 16 when they recorded this. Yikes. Petition for a comeback Christmas concert from Hanson, sans floor length hair.
  11. Someday At Christmas-B5. This is mostly for laughs but also sneeeakkyyy a jam. Lots of mid-song talking, which always gives me a serious case of the giggles. Why haven’t singers figured out yet that talking amidst singing is just plain silly? Also no idea who B5 is but they are easily all 5 years old. Don’t care, still bop to it. I’m assuming it’s Diddy (because he says “your boy Diddy”) who does the end of the song recap but he gives a nice shout out to all the holidays in the world, cuz whatever you’re down with, it’s all good. Well put, Diddy, well put.
  12. Baby It’s Cold Outside-Jessica Simpson ft. Nick Lachey. Why is this song on here? BECAUSE I WILL NEVER LET GO OF NICK & JESSICA. But actually, a Nick & Jessica duet is a rare gem to be cherished. RIP Newlyweds. Bonus points for the overly fake and obnoxious sleigh bells in the background track.
  13. Kiss Me At Midnight-N*SYNC. What’s that you say? Christmas is over now? Don’t you even fret. N*SYNC doesn’t just pick one holiday to sing about. New Year’s counts too and makes it completely acceptable for holiday music listening to extend a couple weeks more.

Honorable mention for a song that you listen to once to fully immerse yourself in 90’s Christmas and then NEVER listen to it again: 8 Days of Christmas-Destiny’s Child. Back when Beyonce sang about getting a pair of Chloe shades and a DIAMOND BELLY RING from her baby for Christmas instead of singing about girl power and waking up like this. My, my how much our baby Bey has grown. If you want to make sure that you hate this song and never want to hear it again, have one of your most popular friends that you always hang out with set it as her ringtone. Worked like a charm for me.

I hope you enjoyed this very merry walk through Christmases of the 90’s and early 2000’s. Excuse me while I put this playlist on full blast and write my letter to Santa. Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.

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Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

AMA’s Fashion

I expressed my excitement for the AMA’s today and both of my sisters asked me if I was 12. The answer is a hard yes. The AMA’s are maybe one step above the VMA’s in maturity level and I don’t even curr. Let’s judge how the tweens and young adult pop singers of this year dressed for such an event. Apparently if you didn’t have at least one full leg out to play, you were a nobody. I personally preferred the nobodies.

Worst Dressed:

zendaya

Zendaya wearing some satin sheets and a bandeau bikini top.

jordin sparks

Is stripper gold costume material back in style and I missed the memo? Jordin Sparks needed to step it up and show Jason DeRulo that she’s lookin like a dime.

heidi

More sparkles, more leg. Are we seeing a trend here? Leave the crops to the young’ns Heidi.

fergie

If the leg wasn’t so forceful I would actually like this dress.

charli-xcx-american-music-awards-2014-amas

Ok Morticia Adams, we get it, you have D cups. Charli XCX going nips out for the awards.

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Happy Thanksgiving, the turkey has arrived!

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This looks like a homemade dress for the sorority 80’s party, only thing missing is a scrunchie.

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Magic looking like they stumbled out of a thrift shop (I’d bet money that they did) smelling of incense.

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Imagine Dragons with a weird bib shirt, 60’s shades vibe. Hipsters, man.

jlo

Hey JLo, I know you invented the “booty” and all but you’re 45 and this is no longer an acceptable article of clothing to be wearing in public.

Best Dressed:

1d

One Direction with some leopard accents. YAS.

kate

Could do without the snake necklace on Kate Beckinsale but the dress is perfection.

mtrainor

Simple and classy, plus an obnoxious lips clutch for sass. Megan Trainor shows us you don’t need to have a slit up to your vagina to look good.

SELENA

Selena with the tight black dress and open back giving the Biebs a taste of what he’s missing.

becky-g-american-music-awards-2014-amas

Becky G looking cute as a button with a sassy pony and approps party dress.

dianna agron

This dress is pretty stupid but I’m kinda digging on the crazy updo with the headband.

nicki

Nicki making my best dressed list because she is the most covered I have ever seen her and I encourage this wholeheartedly.

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I’m digging Rita Ora’s yellow ball gown a lot. There’s coverage and a nice change up of color.

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Lucy Hale with another classic short cocktail dress and simple hair/makeup look. Girl knows how to play the awards show game, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

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I didn’t see a lot of nice men red carpet pics, so I’m including this for gender equality purposes. Nick Jonas with a real uncomfy pose but a nice dapper suit.

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Julianne Hough with a saucy summer number that I don’t hate. Get it, gurl.

Stay tuned for my full recap post-awards. I can give you a teaser right now that the awards are a straight up trainwreck and I should win something just for watching them in full. I do it all for my fans.

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