JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/13/2020

1. Kelly Preston.

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It is with a very heavy heart that I inform you that my beautiful wife Kelly has lost her two-year battle with breast cancer. She fought a courageous fight with the love and support of so many.  My family and I will forever be grateful to her doctors and nurses at MD Anderson Cancer Center, all the medical centers that have helped, as well as her many friends and loved ones who have been by her side. Kelly’s love and life will always be remembered. I will be taking some time to be there for my children who have lost their mother, so forgive me in advance if you don’t hear from us for a while.  But please know that I will feel your outpouring of love in the weeks and months ahead as we heal. All my love, JT

A post shared by John Travolta (@johntravolta) on

Woof this one was a shock. Apparently Kelly was privately battling cancer for the past two years so while we’re all feeling like this is very sudden, I’m guessing her close family members had been preparing for this moment. Kelly always struck me as someone who was classy as hell and had a lot of poise about her. Also, anyone who puts up with John Travolta on the daily and his wacky hijinks/borderline stroke symptoms (no one will ever forget Adele Dazeem) has to be a G-D saint. Not to mention the fact that there’s the whole long-standing rumor that John is actually gay and hooking up with men on the reg while keeping up appearances with Kel. Who knows if any of that is true, all that I know is that this is a horrible loss and she has a 9 year old son–much younger than I had realized AND they had already lost a child a few years back. Lots of tragedy in this family and depending on who we count as famous, we’ve got another celebrity death coming down the pipeline because it always comes in threes. Brace yourselves.

2. Naya Follow-Up. Obviously this isn’t really breaking news, but Naya’s body was recovered and they declared there was no foul play, she simply drowned in the lake. Again my conspiracy theories were working in overdrive as they made the announcement because they gave virtually 0 deets and I still don’t quite understand how one drowns in a lake, but after some sleuthing on Twitter, I was able to find the answers to the many questions I have. And this is why I write this blog, so I can report the news that I had to dig to find.

riptides

Shout out to Jojoba for even including a chart of how rip currents work. My dumb brain couldn’t wrap around the idea of currents in a lake and I’m glad we could get to the bottom of this. And now that we have, YA THINK MAYBE IT’S TIME TO BAN SWIMMING IN LAKE PIRU? Several people have drowned and yet we’re still just popping those dams open and closed and not putting a warning out there?! HUH?! Hopefully this is a wake up call for that giant suction sewer they call a lake and they’ll ban swimming or something moving forward. I mean they even had a hard time finding her body. What is living in that lake that just snatches bodies and hides them?! Shit’s cursed. Also, I’ll be the first to admit that none of my theories about this being a suspicious death turned out to be true. I was wrong. Hands up. I’ll dial it back with the true crime as long as Lake Piru promises to lock it up with the dragging swimmers to their death garbage. On top of all of this, Naya’s body was found on the anniversary of Cory Monteith’s death. Eerie and really not a great day for the cast of Glee, pictured below at the lake.

glee

3. Entanglement.

Will Smith

Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed you, let’s turn things around for the second half of the JUice with some good ole fashioned Hollywood trashy gossip. Remember way back when Gwyneth Paltrow called her divorce from Chris Martin a “conscious uncoupling” and everyone pointed and laughed at how RIDICULOUS and BOUGIE and HOLLYWOOD that was? Y’all are getting divorced. Ain’t no cutesy term for it. Well here we are again. Jada Pinkett Smith called banging someone who is not her husband an “entanglement.” Ok, girl. Whatever helps you sleep at night. I’m guessing Will never wants to hear that word again for the rest of his life. Here’s the lowdown on this wacky story that I’m sure no one even cared about until the Smiths decided to address it v. publicly. There was some chatter about Jada hooking up with this singer August Alsina. And instead of just ignoring it, these two clowns decided to lay out all of their relationship deets on an episode of Red Table Talk. They talk about how August was a family friend first (weird) and they were helping him with his health problems (not clear on what those health problems are) and then Will & Jada separated and did not think they would ever be getting back together. And that’s when August took Jada to Bangtown, USA. And now Will and Jada are still together so that’s AWKZ. Especially when you have to talk about it on your tv show. If you want to cringe your face off, watch the below clip. I had a frozen derp face for “entanglement” and almost covered my eyes for the “bad marriage for life” fist bump.

Obviously, that can’t go down without a little feedback. Here’s August’s jibberish on Twitter because he was getting unwanted attention and also Jada basically called him a liar saying Will didn’t give August permission to bang her, CAUSE BITCH DON’T NEED NO PERMISSION TO GET ENTANGLED.

And then shout out to 50 Cent for stirring the pot. Can you imagine separating with your wife, a mutual friend porking her, getting back together and then years later having to talk about it in front of everyone?! Cherry on top is 50 Cent reminding you that someone else blew your wife’s back out. WHAT A GUY.

4. Poop-Gate.

amberjohnny

In other dysfunctional Hollywood couple news, the trial of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s divorce is finally happening. To be completely honest I forgot about these two. She accused him of assault and then there was a lot of he said, she said, pointing fingers at who was actually the abusive one and it seemed like a real messy explosive relashe and then they kinda went away for a while. I guess now they’re in trial, I’m not entirely sure what it’s for, if I had to guess Amber wants a chunk of that Jack Sparrow change, but what really grabbed my attention is the stories that are being hurled back and forth. Now it’s ON. There’s stories from a former assistant that Amber used her personal rape story and claimed it happened between Amber and Johnny. There’s fake bruises and claims of fingers that were cut off. It’s literally a SHITSHOW and clearly neither of these two care that the deets of their domestic dispute of a marriage are hitting the tabs during trial. It’s just balls to the wall hate for each other. Photos were released of a little lunch time whiskey & coke for Johnny, rumors about Amber having threesomes with Cara Delevigne and Elon Musk, Johnny spelling out Amber’s name in urine, Amber punching Johnny in the face when he lost $650million.

I mean this is literally a soap opera. What ridiculous thing will come out next. OPE, then as if by celebrity magic…the story appeared. Amber pooped in their bed “as a prank” and that was Johnny’s last straw. Turds in the bed=automatic divorce. Apparently she tried to blame it on the dog when she saw how mad he was, but him and the maid both knew those were human-sized logs. I’m sorry but WHAT. I’m firmly on the team of finding poop and fart jokes funny because I have the maturity of a 12 year old boy, but this is very very much NOT funny. Let’s just say I would never let it rip in the bed I share with my husband then hide and wait for him to find it. This was an aggressive dumping and it was done out of despise, not all in good fun. I respect Johnny’s decision to cut Amber loose after this incident. There’s no turning back from Johnny telling her that he lost money from shady business his managers were doing, getting rocked in the face for it, and then finding a fresh number 2 in their bed the next morning. And God bless the maid who cleaned that up. The photo of the actual deuce has been released (because of course it has) and I’ll let you seek that one out on your own as I feel like The Salty Ju should be a poop-free zone–strictly photographically speaking, of course. It has yet to be revealed what exactly Amber’s defense is to the worst prank in the world, but you can assume I’ll keep my nose on the poop trail and report it with equal parts disgust and glee.

5. DWTS Shake-Up.

tyra

Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews, longtime hosts of Dancing with the Stars have gotten the boot to make way for miss TYRA Banks. Not only is this another VERY obvious and calculated move from ABC to say, “stop calling us racist” but also the fact that Tyra is so obnoxious she’ll do the job of two hosts. Sorry, Tommy boy.

Here’s hoping for a lot of smizing, WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU and KISS MY FAT ASS moments to come. Tyra is a freaking reality TV powerhouse and honestly it’s been far too long since she’s graced our screens with outrageous outbursts. It’s only a matter of time before we know she’s BACK.

rooting for you

 

BONUS:

Poppin this heater on here because a local musician, Micah Premnath, who I started following in college (saw him live once and bought his homemade CD after the show) is a songwriter and anytime he posts a song by pop artists that he helped write, I give it a listen. And it’s usually a killer song. Also I’m super proud of him anytime he has writing credits on a big song because that probably means big bucks.  So I’m just sharing the wealth here. Plus John Legend’s soothing angel voice, woooo baby. I love it.

Bonus Bonus:

I randomly made a TikTok this week to make fun of my stupid life and how I have written get a job in my monthly planner goals for SEVEN months now and it remains unchecked. Siiiiiiiick goals, brah. (And whatdya know, this one got thousands of views. My pain is the world’s entertainment. What can I say.)

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/6/2020

1. Naya Rivera Missing.

naya

This is not the kind of news I like to report, I like to keep it light and fluffy for the most part but this is a huge headline that hit yesterday, and one that I was regretfully scooped on nonetheless. Naya Rivera rented a boat on a lake in California with her 4 year old son, when the boat was due back and they still hadn’t returned, the boating company went out looking for her. They found the boat with her 4 year old in a life jacket sleeping on board and did not find Naya. They’ve been searching the water, believing she has drowned and the most recent update is that they’re presuming she’s dead even though they’ll continue to search for her body. Apparently lake conditions are currently difficult for finding bodies, according to the police leading the investigation. They’ve basically been searching “by touch” because visibility is so low, which is a terrifying thing to picture doing. There’s a WHOLE bunch of things that are weird about this situation and let me be the asshole who points them out–maybe I watch too much crime shows and think I’m an expert, or maybe I’m actually onto something here but there are many fishy things about this accident. First of all, it strikes me as odd to go out on a pontoon boat (usually reserved for larger groups of people, known as a party boat) with just yourself and your toddler son. I’m obviously not a mom, so I can’t begin to judge her motherly decisions but I do know that I would never trust myself to adequately watch a small child while also driving a large ass boat on a lake. Seems like a second set of eyes on the kid would’ve made more sense. This is also coming from someone who won’t swim with her 3-year-old niece alone because I’m terrified of her drowning and she runs around the pool like a madwoman. Jus sayin. Secondly, Naya is not without controversy. She made headlines a few years ago with calling off a divorce to her husband and then having a domestic dispute reported where she hit him. Then they got divorced for realz. So their relationship was not without v. public issues. Again, this could be because I’m in the midst of season 2 of Dirty John, but something is odd there. Thirdly, she posted this a week ago:

I get that it’s common, especially right now for people to declare tomorrow is not promised but also THIS IS A LITTLE TOO EERIE. I very much hope that they find her safe and sound, although that doesn’t look to be the case right now. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see as more details are revealed.

2. We Finally Have a Trailer.

The minute this trailer dropped, my sister sent me the link and by the time I had watched it, she’d already viewed it twice. In fact, she watched it so many times that first day, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she’s on some sort of Youtube red alert watch list for that questionable activity. But ya gurl is just excited that we finally have a teaser–it’s about damn time. They announced a sequel almost as soon as the first one premiered two years ago (click HERE to remember how much I drooled over it), and then we all had to watch as the two leads very OBVIOUSLY broke up in real life, and you know what happens when showmances end in the real world…they most certainly end on film as well as the actors no longer want to smooch each other. I’m less enthralled with this trailer than my twin. I’m not a huge fan of making a sequel of perfection to begin with, and I knew where it was heading. Your boyfriend who tried to hide dating you for most of his senior year doesn’t just go off to college across the country without any conflict. OBVIOUSLY they set up a real rocky road for this follow-up and I don’t love that. Then on top of the fact that people in college rarely continue to date their high school sig other, they add in a new hottie high schooler with a gleaming six pack to tempt Elle. COME ON. Like seriously, who has a six pack in high school? Get the hell out of here. No one should be called a SNACK in high school. However, there is some tiny sliver of hope that these two crazy kids make it work after all and I will hang onto that real hard. You bet your ass I’m going to find out on July 24th and report back.

3. Matching Nudes.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that the Bella Twins are both pregnant and will probably give birth on the exact same day cause TWINNIESSSSSS. This week they did a pregnancy photoshoot together (and with Artem?) and spammed everyone’s insta with a bunch of nudes. I would be offended except that they were flawless of course. Check them out here and try to imagine how awkward it must be to be nekkid with your sister and then her boyfriend shows up and pops his top off to get in on the action. WHERE WAS BRYAN?!

Also, while we’re yapping about the Bella Twins, can we rap about how weird it was that their mom just casually had brain surgery last week? On the season finale of their show, their mom shows up for a shopping day and her entire left side of her face is drooping down to her ankles. It was v difficult to watch and I remember saying to my friend why would she allow them to film this? She claimed she woke up with bells palsy and seemed VERY casual about something that caused half of her face to look like it was melting off. Well, apparently it was a brain tumor and she had brain surgery this week to remove it. There’s a reason this family has a reality show.

4. #FREEBRITNEY.

@britneyspears

HOLY HOLY CRAP 😍 !!! My florist surprised me today by making the flower arrangement all different colors 💐 … just had to SHARE 🌸⭐️ !!!!

♬ Blinding Lights – The Weeknd

I realize ever since I got my Brit Brit graphic tee, I’ve really amped up my news on her but as a proud owner of a shirt with her mug on it, I feel like it’s my social responsibility to report the latest. Brit posted the above TikTok and everyone immediately started razzing on it because it was just another weird video in her lineup of walking on and off camera and doing a twirl videos that she posts on the reg. She points out the flowers and then they are in the video for .2 seconds and she just keeps popping in and out with dead eyes. A ton of people duetted with her TikTok pretending to be the videographer for this masterpiece, and out of them all, this one was my fave:

THEN, CONSPIRACY hits the comment section. Britney superfans start telling everyone to knock it off and reveal that Britney is closing in on 40 and still under a conservatorship. Basically she has no freedom to do anything without permission and all of her money goes to her dad. People believe that her dad is keeping her on a dosage of meds to make her act like a loony toon (which she clearly seems unwell on her social media) so that he can continue to control her and all of her assets. And now we’re on a #SAVEBRITNEY campaign. Also, as fans began commenting and asking if this was a cry for help, one fan told her to wear yellow in her next video if she needs help and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, BRIT WORE YELLOW. And even pointed out “this is my new yellow shirt” and at one point said she reads all of the comments. SO SOMEONE GO GET BRITNEY SPEARS AND TELL HER TO COME LIVE WTIH ME AND MY PARENTS. They don’t feed me drugs and sometimes they take me out for ice cream. We can make TikTok’s together of sound minds and you can show me how to twirl with my hands in my pockets. FREE BRIT BRIT!!!! JUSTICE FOR BRIT!

5. RIP Charlie Daniels.

This is just an excuse to post this bangerang of a song. Rest in peace, Charlie. Thank you for creating this masterpiece and allowing me to butcher it one time with my friend at a karaoke bar after a few adult bevs. We definitely felt like we crushed it, I used a borderline offensive twang and also air-played the fiddle. I hope you can forgive me from beyond the grave. Love you so much.

BONUS: Here’s a happy video of Tom Hanks having the time of his life diving into the pool on his birthday. What a gemstone he is. Bring this joy into your weekend.

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This Greyhound is 64!! Hanx.

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