Tag Archives: Jack Black

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/21/2021

  1. #FreeBritney

IN case you didn’t hear, Britney finally piped up at trial this week, begging to end her conservatorship. If I HAD to guess, I’d say she’s pretty sick of everyone else in the world speaking for her and decided it was TIME. I don’t want to credit her bravery directly to myself, but I *DID* wear my Britney graphic on Wednesday to send the positive vibes her way and I definitely think she felt them. She admitted on the stand that she has been miserable and depressed and has been pretending for social media that she’s loving life (uh, yeah, you and the rest of us Brit…that’s what Instagram is for.) JK, in all seriousness, her dad has been controlling every aspect of her life including FORCING HER TO KEEP HER IUD IN SO SHE CAN’T HAVE KIDS. Woof times a billion. Obviously now that she’s spoken out, the #FreeBritney crew is multiplying, bringing in celebrities left and right. Ya girl Brit has been controlled by her creepy dad for 15 years (and heavily medicated), but now it’s trendy to declare FREE BRITNEY so everyone is piping in now as if clout will free her. AND WHO IS THE BIGGEST CULPRIT BUT NONE OTHER THAN JT. After his LAAAAAAAME apology (see me NOT accepting said apology here) where fedora in hand he tried to apologize for trampling Britney to get famous, he decided to pop back out again and pretend to be her advocate:

Total classy move bringing Jess into the mix to look like a united front but PEOPLE DON’T FORGET, JT. Seems a little too convenient and thirsty to be making a public statement like this to hop right on the Free Britney movement. I don’t accept x2 now. Sorry not sorry JT remains on my shit list. (Again, can be quickly solved with a hot new bop.) ANYWHO, the details Britney revealed were ALARMING and the fact that she literally compared her living situation to a sex trafficking situation and that her father LOVES control, CAN WE SERIOUSLY JUST END THIS SHIT NOW?! Even if it turns out that Britney has severe mental health issues and does need assistance, THIS AIN’T IT. Give the lady her life back for Pete’s sake. Here was her post-trial statement, which is depressing as hell. Girl needs to pretend everything is ok because if she doesn’t, she’s dealing with a soul-crushing reality.

2. Bad Habits

Ed hasn’t released music in several years, went off the grid, got married and had a baby and now HE BACK. And WHAAAT a weird way to come back. Sure, the song is catchy and a nice little summer bop, but this isn’t the Ed we’ve come to know and love. That Ed gives us swoonworthy love songs or Irish jigs full of fast catchy lyrics and raps accompanied by him busting his ass on a loop pedal. This Ed gives us club beats and a terrifying music video. Is Ed pandering to the youths now? If so, I OBJECT. I appreciate the full cinematic effort for the music video because I love being taken on a visual musical adventure EXCEPT when it involves vampires and hordes of people just deflating in front of our very eyes. YOIKES. I remain hopeful that he did this just to make a splash and whatever follows will be more OG Ed. In the meantime, I’ll be looking up tutorials on how to get those glitter eyes for post-covid nights out this summer. 

3. Deuces, Conan

After a 28 year run, Conan is retiring from the late-night game. I accidentally stumbled upon his last show last night and it was a delight. I’ve never really been a late-night regular viewer but I’ve enjoyed clips and bits on the ole internet after the fact. Conan had a nice farewell speech about how when you find the intersection between stupid and smart, that’s when the real magic happens. I like to think that’s exactly what I’m aiming for on this blog and with my various idiotic videos or self-deprecating stories so it’s always comforting to see when someone can make an entire living off of being a goofy moron. (TBS, call me, boo.) Regardless of my future as a celebrity, Conan had Jack Black on as his final guest and we were treated to an original ditty. The night prior, he smoked weed with Seth Rogen. Just kings doing king shit. God it must be nice to get paid to do whatever you want on cable. Not sure why he’s retiring, TBH, but proud of him for going out with a bang, once he realized which way the joint should face (are Conan and I the same person?!)

4. That’s Enough, Netflix.

Ok, we’ve officially given Netflix WAY too much leeway in original content. We all binged Love is Blind & Joe Exotic and once they saw the straight trash that we would eat right up, they REALLY LET IT RIP. Introducing, SEXY BEASTS. Netflix took Love is Blind and added BESTIALITY. And for that reason, I’m out. SINCE WHEN DID WE NORMALIZE WEARING PROSTHETICS TO SPICE UP GAME SHOWS?! That dolphin will straight up haunt my nightmares until the end of time. At one point in my life, it was a dream of mine to swim with Dolphins. I am now aggressively blacking that off of my bucket list as I look at this cross-eyed porpoise trying to find love with HORROR. I get the concept that they’re trying to push here ad nauseam via dating shows…find love based on WHO the person is not WHAT they look like. And here’s what I have to say to that…if I’m not attracted to you, I’M NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU. Like cut the shit, get off of your high horse and stop pushing this unrealistic narrative. ESPECIALLY because they cast this show with ALL ATTRACTIVE people. You cannot possibly rant and rave about how love should be about the person when you’re ONLY hiring hot people for this show and then covering them in creepy ass masks to make the other hot person in a creepy ass mask FEAR that they’re possibly dating an uggo. The worst part about this is Twitter LIT up with commentary on this trailer, which means they’ll all tune into the show because you no longer need to make GOOD content, it just needs to be compelling enough for us to trash talk it on Twitter. Therefore, the ratings for this beast will be top notch which will then perpetuate it into infinity season on Netflix. God I hate Hollywood.

PS, if you willingly kiss someone in a furry prosthetic mask, you should go to jail. I don’t make the rules but I did just make that one because watching two creatures attempt to kiss made me want to rip my eyeballs out of my G-D skull.

5. November 19th.

I think we all needed a week to process the fact that the much discussed but never heard 10 minute long All Too Well will be in our hands November 19th. I think it’s also incredibly important to note that although I stan All Too Well as the best breakup song of AWL time and Red was my FAVORITE Taylor album…I do not support this re-release garbage she’s been peddling. I stand by the fact that this is a tacky thing to do. Taylor most certainly DOES NOT need anymore money and to re-release each one of her albums with all of this fanfare and associated merchandise is highway robbery. I totes understand the sentiment of making a statement against Scooter Braun and Scott Borchetta and owning the work that you spent so many years creating. But to profit off of it twice over is bullshit. Sorry, Tay, I gotta keep it real. I did not buy Fearless (Taylor’s Version) because I already own the EXACT same album and guess what, the “new” songs that came from the vault I RIPPED OFF OF YOUTUBE SO, HA. I bought a Taylor Swift Lover tee for 11 bucks at Target so it’ll be a dark day in hell when I ever pay $45 PLUS SHIPPING to get a t-shirt off of her website. And you bet your ass that when this Red (Taylor’s Version) drop hits right before holiday season, I’ll be saving my pennies and acquiring the new All Too Well in frowned-upon ways so that my niece and nephew can get Christmas presents this year. Taylor EASILY could’ve used this moment in her life as an example, re-recorded all of her albums and had all of the proceeds go to a charitable cause because she’s a BAJILLIONAIRE but she made the sound decision to pocket all this dough instead. Whatever, you do you, girl, but I will not be directing my hard-earned cashola toward re-purchasing things I already own. Sorry bout it. I will, however, learn all ten minutes of the new All Too Well and sob-scream it in full though and that’s worth more than any dollar on this earth.

@jordan_sturg

All hail #taylorswift #alltoowell

♬ All Too Well Taylor Swift – TaylorswiftxFolklore
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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of May 24th, 2021

 

1. I Was R I G H T.

As you might recall, the announcement of the Friends Reunion hit around February of 2020 and I was QUICK to tell everyone to calm the hell down about it. Refresh your memory HERE. Well folks, nothing brings me more pure joy than being THE MOST RIGHT. The Friends Reunion dropped yesterday, I saddled up to watch all two hours of it and it was NEARLY unwatchable. WHAT A LOAD OF GARBAGE. And if you’re a true Friends fan and you don’t agree with me, check yourself if you’re letting your fangirl bias get in the way. That was two straight hours of FLUFF. The same information could’ve been retained from a 5 minute feature on a late show. *Spoiler Alert for those who care about this trash ass reunion being spoiled* We had strangers from all over the world telling us how much they love the TV show, a collection of random celebrities describing specific scenes that we’ve already seen 900 times or telling us how much they love the TV show, a completely useless “fashion show” also including random celebs, and a couple of Friends guest star appearances for a VERY brief hello. Also, a Lady Gaga cameo for Smelly Cat that made me cringe to death. Hosted by James Corden, the special spliced between a live “interview” with the friends all in front of the original fountain from the intro, pre-taped conversations of them on the recreated set, flashbacks to old clips and a few little games with the cast. It was awkward and just a lot of the cast members crying and saying they love each other. Cool beans. The big dramatic *reveal* was that Jen Aniston and David Schwimmer wanted to bone each other IRL but never did because they were always in relationships while filming. So they channeled their horniness for each other into the characters. WOWOWOWOWOWOW. If it sounds like I’m bitter for how poorly this was done, please know that I am. Aside from the lack of content that these two hours produced, if I may make two personal observations. 1. It looks like the men have had more work done facially speaking than the women. It was a WHOLE lotta frozen old face up in that B. 2. Matthew Perry (aka Chandler) is clearly the odd man out. It became very obvious through group interactions that none of them have chosen to hang out with him personally in the past 15 years and also no one really cares to hear what he has to say now. I feel like he maybe got 5 words in edgewise the whole special. Poor Chanandler Bong. If you want to torture yourself, feel free to flip this bad boy on and drink every time one of them says “it feels just like no time has passed and we all just slipped right back into it.” Eye roll my G-D face off.

2. Ariana Stole My Birthday.

Ariana Grande decided my 30th birthday would be the ideal day to get married to her man of the mo’ and honestly HOW DARE SHE? I probably will not need to be concerned about this for longer than today because there’s not a chance in hell these two clowns make it even to their first anniversary. Maybe they’ll pop out a kid soon because that’s what’s hot in the streets with celebs in their twenties these days. Bet celebs don’t have their moms telling them on their 30th birthday they should look into freezing their eggs because they already have 3 kids by then. AnYwHo, Vogue did a whole spread on the fashion and lewks from Ariana’s low-key at-home nuptials. As someone who rips red carpet fashion like nobody’s biz, nothing is going to stop me from doing the same for Ariana’s big day. Here’s the spread.

From the neck up, I approve. Makeup is flawless, signature Ariana half up pony has an elegant spin to it with the vintage short veil and bow. Then we move downtown on this getup and that’s where I’m out. I love an open back, I don’t love tossing in essentially a built-in bra strap to the open canvas. I think it looks tacky as hell. And gurrrl, those heels and fur purse speak for themselves. Is she wearing custom designer pieces on her wedding day or hitting the stage in a sweaty strip club? Yikes on bikes. If you’re wearing 6 inch platform heels just to reach your husband’s mouth, I have concerns. Since I dumped on her Vera Wang wedding dress and hooker heelz, might I also add that the table setting is flawle$$. Every happiness to you birthday spotlight thiefs! *Place your bets now on how long this union lasts*

3. Bennifer 2.0.

As a close personal friend of JLo, I’d be remiss to fire up the JUice after a long hiatus and not comment on her current “apparent” rebound. And here’s the take that I gave to everyone in my family immediately upon the Bennifer resurgence at the end of April: it’s all fake. This is publicity stunt 101. It REEKS of showmanship. Ben Affleck just got dumped by up and coming actress and total babe soda Ana de Armas. He’s generally a kinda sloppy alcoholic that goes in and out of rehab and mainlines Dunkin icey’s. He could use a little press glow-up. JLo is a spicy tamale that everyone in America loves and/or wants to bang. It was rumored (I say that knowing it’s probably 100% true) that ARod cheated which caused the demise of their engagement. Wanna know the best way to stick it to your cheating ex-fiance? Show him you’re banging someone new. DUH times a million. She’s photographed gallivanting around with Ben Affleck and stir up a FLURRY of headlines and nostalgia, it’s all shoved directly in ARod’s grillpiece and he’s made to think about what he lost by stepping out on his Queen. Win, win all around. Ben looks great, JLo looks fancy free and funky fresh not a care in the world just having the time of her life, the world gets to relive the most ridiculous pop culture phenomenon of a couple and salivate over it being the early 2000’s again, bingo bango everyone’s happy. (Except for ARod.) Also might I add, do you think JLO, the woman who is at HER PRIME at 50 years old is going to honestly go back to Ben Affleck?! Get real. It’s gonna take a lot more than some pics of them walking into the gym in Miami to convince me that these two are actually back together.

4. Sad Scoop.

Kevin Clark aka Freddy the drummer from School of Rock died this week at 32. He was riding a bike in Chicago and was hit by a car. SUPER sad news because he’s young and also because it’s a horrible accident. He was never in anything other than School of Rock because he wasn’t trying to be an actor, he was only cast in that movie because of his drumming skills. As someone who was 12 when the movie School of Rock came out, I was for SURE crushing on Freddy. A drummer with an attitude? Sign me up. Obviously I was going through a real bad boy phase. That spiky hair made my 6th grade heart swoon. What a time for hair gel to take the center stage. Anyway, I hate reporting sad scoops because there’s nothing funny to say about someone dying way too young. Here’s the last time the gang was all together for a special performance of the all-time classic Zach’s Song.

5. Baby Sitch Hath Arrived.

In preparation for one day being a New Jersey resident, I’ve been doing my due diligence of research. Staying up to date on all Jersey Shore cast member milestones is a given. The sitch and his lady welcomed Romeo Reign into the world and by God if that’s not a cocky as hell name. Putting a lot of pressure on this little nugget’s shoulders to become a wealthy reality TV star who serves time for evading his taxes. Just kidding, the name is fine and fairly normal as far as “celeb” names go. What I’m really here to talk about is that in my process of full-on Jersey immersion, I’ve begun the Real Housewives of New Jersey from the start and what a wild ride that has been. No one ever warned me that the New Jersey installment is basically a scripted mafia movie featuring the Manzo family. Most importantly, I’m getting a lay of the land, taking note of the hot spots including of course, the Brownstone, and updating my fashion choices to correlate with the Jersey lifestyle:

Kangol in hand, Jersey here I COME BAYBAY!

BONUS: I haven’t been on the TikTok scene lately but I did make a video of my California vacay set to the tuneage of my epic Gold Coast Grooves playlist and Instagram banned it the SECOND I posted it because of one song so I’m gonna post it here instead. Enjoy a tour of the various beaches of Orange County, me almost decapitating my bestie with a rogue champagne cork & a very boozy singalong to Natasha Bedingfield the night before my birthday. I took the liberty of rolling the window down and scream singing it into the breeze as we drove down the highway of which I’m sure my friend’s fiance was none too pleased about. I was just trying to find my inner-LC and that seems pretty obvious.

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