“I got a fantasy suite card and then I got sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts.”

Last week we were left with the cliffhanger that JoJo might send her everlasting Nicholas Sparks character home and sPoILeR alert: she did. And that’s when I checked right on out of this season.

In this scenario, this entire season was the white dog crap and I’VE HAD ENOUGH, JOJO. Luke stutters about seeing a future with her and thinking the magic was real like a wounded baby bird. JoJo is the crusher of all dreams and magic and I nearly reached toward my TV to give Luke a hug. It cut even deeper when his parting words were, “I’m sorry.” DON’T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO HER, LUKE!!! YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A PERFECT COWBOY STRAIGHT OUT OF AN EROTICA. JoJo sobs and says she misses him already. TOUGH LUCK, B. (If it wasn’t a trillion times obvious, Luke is top dog for The Bachelor now.)

Thailand

JoJo prays that this week of boning brings her clarity. Girl doesn’t need clarity because by narrowing it down to a guy whose probably gay, a guy who didn’t speak all season, and a famous-adjacent stud, I THINK WE ALL HAVE CLARITY on who she’s gonna give the final rose to.

ROBBY

It rains while Robby and JoJo get Thai massages. There is no happy ending. Later, Robby shows JoJo a letter that his dad snuck into his pants during the home visit. It basically says “You rock, don’t eva change. Love, Dad.” Robby wants JoJo to keep this probably forged letter to show her that his feelings are real. And to remind her that Robby’s “THE MAN!” He gets an invite to sleepover in her mouth. I close my eyes and ears. JoJo claims she’s in love with Robby.

JORDAN

Jordan and JoJo hike to a temple. JoJo modestly covers her shoulders to respect the tradition of Thailand. Her junderwear is totes fine though. Super conservative. It’s a true test of restraint when the two aren’t allowed to kiss in the temple considering just last week they conducted a real moanfest in a library full of high school kids. Instead they talk about JoJo’s parents and brothers…boner killllll. They’re coming out next week to meet the final two and Jordan can’t wait to show how much he loves JoJo. I’m appalled that it took this long for a JoBro’s cameo. Even farmer Chris’s country sisters with Kate Plus Eight haircuts had guest appearances during his season, and they had faces for radio. The bros BETTER deliver next week.

During dinner, JoJo freaks out because when she asks Jordan where he sees himself in a year, he’s like dunno! I guess it’s a turn off that her man doesn’t have a job. Makes total sense since she’s falling in love with a former swimmer and a former quarterback. Aim high. Also, of course she loves Jordan too. But she refuses to pull a Higgins and keeps her lips zipped. She does not, however, keep her pants zipped (I know, girl never wears pants, just go with the metaphor…it flows better) because Jordan gets dat fantasy suite. The morning after, JoJo recycles the same line she used on Robby, “we’re eating our first breakfast together!!!!!” So that’s really authentic. The producers give us gratuitous shots of Jordan shirtless on his balcony and as I believe the great Quinn King once said, the panties of America drip in unison.

CHASE

JoJo thinks Chase is SUPER playful because he pretends to eat a dead fish. Lolerz. That Chase! He always has some goofy bit up his sleeve! Chase s l o w l y tells us how JoJo’s personality and sex appeal are unstoppable. Someone’s thirsty AF for that fantasy suite. They frolic and dry hump in the water.

Robby steals time during the day of Chase, essentially just to further make me want to vomit. He just missed JoJo so much. He also needed a little more screen time to workshop what he should call her. We’ve gotten a variety of Jo, Joelle, Joj and it’s getting cringeworthy watching him figure out which nickname feels right. Answer: none of them. Pls take your glowing teeth and go away, Robby.

After Robby interruptus, Chase reads the fantasy suite card because we haven’t heard it read aloud twice already this episode. It’s about as necessary as Chris Harrison entering every single week just to remind us that we’re on the last rose. At any rate, in the suite, Chase tells JoJo that he loves her and he admits he’s never said that to someone first before and with that, sealed his fate to leave Thailand and all it’s fishy smell behind. Lookin at you, JoJo. No but seriously, vag jokes aside, JoJo promptly breaks up with Chase. No booty for him. And if you’re looking for a little #MotivationMonday, look no further than Chases’ response: “So now love equals get the fuck out?” Golf clap. Enjoy your years of therapy, Chaseroni. JoJo sobs of course then follows him out to the car, refusing to let him leave on his own terms. After watching this 40 minutes earlier with Luke, I’ve had just about enough with JoJo’s breakup tactic. The guys aren’t supposed to comfort you when you’re breaking up with them, JoJo. That’s not how this works. Cut the cord and let Chase enjoy his road soda in peace.

Rose Ceremony 2.0

And the battle of the tight ankle pants and fluffy hair commences. I mean seriously, could these two do anything to stand out? They’re wearing matching G-D blue and khaki outfits like they work at the resort. Even Chase gets the memo as he interrupts JoJo’s soliloquy about dumping him. Chase isn’t back to ask for a second chance, he just wants to secure his place in the running for The Bachelor. If he ousts Luke for the title, there’s no telling what I’ll do. (I’ll watch the season and make fun of him every week, obviously.) Anyway, Chase leaves again and JoJo returns to use her annoying baby voice to give out both roses to her twin boyfriends.

Now let’s all get ready for what’s really important…the return of Chad in all his torso-tossing glory to our TV’s.

It’s been a couple of weeks but we’re still in Buenos Aires and unfortunately last episode’s bitch rose ceremony wasn’t all a dream and Alex and James still squeaked through with pity roses. Chris Harrison earns his paycheck by stopping by to tell the boys how many dates there will be this week. Good work, Chris. Alex can CTFD because he finally got his one on one. Or in Chases’ words: dude, shut up. Stop bitching. I like Chase. He can kick it for a while.

I Gaucho On My Mind with Alex

On their “road trip” aka cab ride, they have a thumb war (JoJo loves a good thumb war), do Pringles duck lips aaand JoJo says it’s like sharing the backseat with her little brother. She didn’t say little but…come on. She also didn’t outright say brother, but we all knew it. At one point Alex horribly tries to rap and she’s like k let’s play the quiet game.

The boys have to take a bus to wherever it is that they’re going. They get road sodas though, so it’s ok. Robby is wearing white old woman open toed slippers. So he’s really dressed for the ride. Definitely gave him mad street cred when the bros started freestyling about Alex needing a stool to get into a sidecar. OooOoh THIRD DEGREE BURN courtesy of white boys rappin.

On the date, they arrive at a Spanish word for ranch…at least JoJo thinks that’s what it means. WHERE ARE THE CUE CARDS, GUYS?! I didn’t know what Gauchos actually are but I shot out some T’s and P’s that they weren’t referring to the extra wide stretchy pants that I found approps to wear to Easter dinner with kitten heels in 2007. It turns out, it was worse than I imagined. A gaucho is someone who’s born to stroke horses and maybe sneak a kiss in too.

Producers force Alex to dress the part, as if he’s not still reeling from getting a pity rose. JoJo throws on a pair of suede leggings and calls Alex a “cute little gaucho” and that’s pretty much when I declared it was curtains for Alex. The two lil goocho’s snuggle and make out on top of the horse that has just been stroked and might actually be dead. I wondered how it was that I ended up in the bestiality section of YouJizz. It would be kewl if going forward, JoJo didn’t use a horse as a bed.

After the horse has been dragged away to the glue factory, Alex tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and then adds in that he fell in love with her the second he saw her, which is laying it on real thick. Let’s T it down Alex, you were put on this show to rival Chad and by God’s grace you clung on until now. It was crickets city from JoJo and we all know that we’ve reached the point of no return. She’s not feelin it because she has more chemistry with her brothers than she has with lil Al and feels it’s more respectful to send him home now. Realistically it would’ve been more respectful to all of us if she didn’t ask him to kiss her while lying on a lifeless horse, but who am I to judge. Alex takes it really well. Jk he leaves angry, kind of like how he spent this entire season.

 Let’s Toast to Love with Jordan

Jordan gets the romantic wine country date and if it’s not obvious at this point that he’s one half of the bottom two, then we haven’t been watching the same show. They grape stomp but no one falls and screams so it’s actually not entertaining at all. (Had to sneak this in because it still makes me laugh to the point of tears. Sorry not sorry.)

JoJo gets into Jordan’s barrel because she can’t stand to not be touching him at all times. I’m fine with that because I would’ve done the same. What I’m not okay with is when they go ahead and drink each other’s chunky feet grapes. AND THEY LIKED IT. I’m appalled and disgusted until I realize that they probably think it’s wine. If you could make wine just from doing the running man over some grapes, I would turn my kitchen into a G-D vineyard. JoJo was probably like oohhh I’m feelin it, that wine was strong! As she chews on a mushy grape. Feeling the high from those toe jam grapes, they hop into the conveniently placed vineyard hot tub. Jordan wants JoJo to meet his mama. That’s what he’s thinking about as they grind their wet bodies on each other in the hot water.

Later, Jordan brings up double A for the first time this season basically. And it comes out that he doesn’t have a relationship with Aaron, which I’m sure is really good press for his more famous bro to have your family saying you don’t spend any time with them. Cliff notes version: According to Jordan no one talks to Aaron and he’s all sorts of F’ed up after living life in Aaron’s shadow. I wonder if this is why Jordan felt the need to have swoopy hair. ~~Livin in, livin in, livin in the ShAdOw~~

Even though that was some juicy celeb gossip to air all over television, what was more entertaining was the way Jordan introduced the topic by saying, you won’t be meeting my middle brother and JoJo puts on a calm & cool performance of a lifetime with her response, “you mean, Aaron?” Oh IDK, is that his name, JoJo?! Every viewer groans at the thought of no Aaron or Olivia appearances on next week’s hometown visit. Oh yeah, and Jordan says he is “so in love with JoJo.” JoJo’s basically like, samesies.

Let Our Love Soar with Chase, James, Robby

The weather forecast ruins the date that probably was never planned for the three “other guys”. James Tay stops talking for just enough time to shove 100 french fries in his yapper because that’s how you get girls. I shed a tear for so many wasted fries and had to physically stop myself from doing a McD’s run for some of my own. The rest is an 8^th grade slumber party. The only thing missing was a choreographed dance and Bonnebell glitter rollerballs. In truth or dare, Robby’s dared to run the hallway in his undies…YAWN. We saw more skin on Damn Daniel when he stripped to a speedo on night one. James feels threatened by Robby’s Ken doll abs, so he narcs to JoJo about Robby’s wandering eye. It pretty much backfires when James gets the bottom of the bed for their group snuggle.

JoJo asks Robby about his ex who he dated for three years. They broke up over Christmas break, because apparently Robby is still in college. Even though they just broke up like 2 months before filming, he’s totes over it. Chase “really, really likes” JoJo and does want to spend the rest of his life with her. Cause marriage is totes the result of xoxo’ing someone in your aim profile, which is essentially what Chase just declared. James Tay wants to know why it feels like there’s no chemistry between them and JoJo spins a web of lies that’s like you’re really nice and you like me so our relationship is great. What James misses is what she doesn’t say and that’s “I’m not attracted to you.” It’s unfortunate that he misinterprets that and feels so confident because it’s crystal clear that he’s outtie five thou in the next rose ceremony.

The boys debate who will get roses and it turns into a heated argument about how each guy should think they’re a frontrunner or GTFO. I don’t know who deemed Robby the Coach Taylor in this scenario, but I could’ve done without his pre-rose pep talk. Robby the self-proclaimed frontrunner gets the rose and I’m never more turned off than I am when watching him and JoJo smooch. I’ll give him one more week before I riot.

Horse Play with Luke

As is typs for her dates with Luke, JoJo is horned up for everything that he does. The way he handles the horses, how he shoots, how he coaches her to shoot, she just can’t. She CANNOT stop soaking her undies. Luke shares that he doesn’t have an LP after this show but he’d like to figure it out with JoJo and she’s all about that because she knows that every Bach alum ends up being paid to make appearances for the rest of their lives, so that works best when someone isn’t tied down to a career. It also opens the door for Luke to become the next Bachelor should he be left hanging in the finale. Wink.Well played, Luke.

Rose Ceremony

Robby, Luke, Jordan, Chase

(You think maybe James is rethinking the whole deepthroating a plate full of fries tactic?)

Since ABC likes to toe the line (Robby mooned us, LOL OMG) there’s a bonus scene during the credits of a closed door with JoJo moaning on and on about how good that feels. PSYCH GUYS, IT’S JUST HER GETTING A HEAD MASSAGE!! LOLOLOL but seriously though remember when Kaitlyn O’ed with a mic pack still on? Get on her level, JoJo. No more of this Disney play with my hair shit. When the door is closed I expect you to be getting some.

We have arrived in Buenos Aires: Where men in berets ride donkeys (probably to work), also where JoJo wears a skintight red dress, and open white trench coat while petting strange dogs in a park. She’s one with culture.

Besame, Besame, Muchacho with Wells

Wells admits he’s the only one who hasn’t kissed JoJo and essentially gives every other guy a chance to judge him real hard and razz him in front of JoJo, which is basically social suicide. The boys spend FAR too long talking about how much smooch pressure there is. And Wells admits he was waiting for the perfect moment to kiss JoJo, thus putting TONS of pressure on it. I mean it’s totally sweet that Wells is thinking like a rom com, but we should probably quickly remind him that JoJo has been AGGRESSIVELY swapping spits with roughly 15 other guys the entire time she’s been dating Wells. Therefore, romance is dead. About as dead as being super awkward and anticipating a kiss on a performance art date. Finally, while sloshing around a see through pool together and weirdly slopping into each other, they kiss. THAT was the moment?! Rly? Anyway, later on, Wells gets sweaty and talks about his past relationship. He says obviously passion fades in relationships and JoJo is like uh uh honey. He does not get rosed. JoJo wah wahs about it while a dramatic montage of their date plays and she stands in the middle of a crowd while it rains. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! Did JoJo suddenly step into a music video? We’ll never know. (Nor do I want to.)

Living La Vida Boca with Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James, Alex

James Tay and his jheri curl are feeling super self-conscious being surrounded by a bunch of babes with the same haircut. They play a little futbol with the locals where Jordan pulls his shirt over his head for a six-pack showdown and Alex immediately copies him because Alex is a tryhard. James makes a goal and gets to kiss JoJo in front of everyone and show the other bros you don’t need chiseled abs to get closed mouth kiss the girl…but like it doesn’t hurt your chances either.

At the night portion of the date, camera one is specifically angled to catch JoJo’s wandering hand as it roams near Luke’s dick while they chat. He pours his heart out about how much he loves being on the show and JoJo just keeps caressing him and kissing him. GET THE HINT LUKE SHE WANTS TO BANG SO STOP TALKING. JoJo says she’s running out of words to describe the passion between her and Luke but she doesn’t really need words when we see his hand creeping up her skirt, and him grabbing a fistful of her ass plus the fact that she wouldn’t even let him speak without putting her hands in his lap. James uses his alone time with JoJo to bitch about Jordan giving the wrong rules to a card game or something. He goes on a rant about how Jordan’s a celebrity and everyone should bow down to him. Obviously he sounds like a whiny little b. Then he asks to kiss JoJo. I think James’ time has expired on this show. (To be clear I thought that week one but there were bigger fish to fry then ahem, Evan.) Naturally, JoJo immediately tattles to Jordan to ask what’s up with the card game kerfuffle because apparently her suitors live in a nursing home and fight over a game of Uno or something. Jordan says he’s not entitled as JoJo runs her fingers through his luscious locks. What’s great about this season is that we don’t need to guess who JoJo will be bringing to the fantasy suites because she physically can’t keep her hands off them, even when she’s pretending to have a serious conversation about their character. Jordan returns to sit on a tiny couch with James and swishes his white wine spritzer around in his glass at warp speed while everyone else has the uncomfies. Then after his wine has been thoroughly tossed, they have it out on baby couch. Agree to disagree on the rules of Poker, boys. Luke gets rosed.

It Takes Two with Derek and Chase

Professional dancers perform a threesome tango and I’m pretty sure we saw the female dancers’ cooch, which was confirmed when the camera panned to Chase shouting “WHOA” with wide eyes. Must be his first peek at foreign vag. PS I went to a pole dancing class this weekend and the instructor kept saying cooch, so I’m bringing that back real hard. Since JoJo can’t decide who she wants to have relations with, she forces Chase and Derek to dance fight for her. This got me jazzed, imagining Center Stage’s final sassy dance, guessing who would be the one to ride the motorcycle onto the stage (Chase, obviously). Unfortunately, watching them push JoJo back and forth between two inches of space was the most anti-climatic thing I’ve ever had to watch. I kept waiting on the edge of my seat for them to bring down the house. Show us a little canned heat! Wag your finger at the boys when they get too grabby, JoJo! But nope, even though JoJo was wearing a red dress, it was certainly no Cooper-Jody-Charlie sensual showdown.

VS.

In one on one time, Derek tells JoJo he’s falling for her. On the other hand, Chase gets scolded for not giving JoJo’s feelings validation or reciprocation. Chase gets the rose. Makes sense, right? Derek has a suuuper depressing limo farewell with “I’m Derek and Derek is imperfect” and “WHY am I crying?!” cross-cut with a singer belting “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” and Chase/JoJo touching all up on each other. Brava for the juxtaposition between Derek’s sopping wet tears and that song. BRAVA.

Cocktail Party

Jordan takes her aside to say he should win this because he deserves to. JK he says he’s falling for her LIKE EVERYONE ELSE obviously. Alex says he was mad he hasn’t gotten a one on one or a group date rose yet. I’m mad Alex is still on this show.

Roses

Luke, Chase, Robbie, Jordan……DRAMATIC EXIT to tell Chris that they both suck and she doesn’t want to give this rose out. YAAASSSSS. BYE James & Alex! Luke & Jordan for the final two. Boooyahhhhh.

Those are all the celebratory words I typed before I realized that she was actually asking Chris for two roses to keep both of those turds around. Alex feels like he has a pity rose and HE’S NOT WRONG. CLEAN IT UP, JOJO. Stop trying to throw us off the scent that your bottom four will be Chase, Robby, Jordan and Luke. Also, turn up your gaydar a notch around Robby. Jus Sayin.