“This is when the fireworks went off in each other’s hearts!”

Disclaimer: I overslept this morning and didn’t proofread this. Have at it.

You know how week after week for this entire season (A.C.—after Chad) I’ve complained about how much boring bullshit they’ve packed in to fill two hours? Well, add another hour and you’ve got the finale. I was stressed before this finale, mostly because I didn’t know when to take my ice cream break to pull me through. (I took it when Robby was on camera, obviously.) But also because I knew from the 4 same clips they kept previewing of JoJo crying that they had NOTHIN to fill that airtime. AND BOY WAS I RIGHT. It’s often the case.

In Phuket, Thailand, JoJo’s family has finally arrived. Also there are still a lot of monkeys. Unrelated, but kind of related.

One monkey is a Robby and the other is a Jordan, and JoJo tells her family that she loves them both. Just a friendly reminder though, she hasn’t told either of the guys! “GOOD FOR YOU!” JoJo’s mom chirps in approval. You hear that, Ben? You big giant dirt bag I Love You slut! (He will never hear the end of that.)

Jordan & the Red Hat Society

Jordan’s first up for family times and goes in for a bear hug with everyone, including JoJo’s judgey bros. They don’t immediately push him off, so either tey really like him or they were tipped off that he’s a Rodgers and they’re looking for a guest role in Pitch Perfect 3. Jordan gets everyone silly hats to wear because it’s his family tradition to make fun of each other. Do you think that’s why Aaron doesn’t talk to his fam? Because they forced him to wear a Mrs. Nesbitt hat at the dinner table so they could laugh in his face? It seems like an ironclad theory at this point.

JoJo’s mom has had enough of giggle time because she drags Jordan aside immediately to find out if he’s a playboy. Soraya (didn’t know that was her name until they finally flashed that lower third) grabs Jordan’s hand and makes him promise not to break his daughter’s heart. He responds, before or after I ink a sportscaster deal with ESPN? Soraya then expresses her concerns that Jordan would make her daughter feel insecure AF because, “Who doesn’t like Jordan?!” Um, I’m just spitballing here but…Aaron? After talking a BIG game about how important it was for him to ask JoJo’s dad’s for her hand, he chokes real hard and skips on outta there blessing-free.

Robby Lays it on Thick

I don’t know if anyone has heard yet, but Robby loves JoJo. Naturally within 30 seconds of meeting her family he has to tell the detailed story of their date in Uruguay and how he just KNEW that he loved her, and how he hasn’t stfu about it since.

In great family advice, JoJo’s brothers remind her that she’s not picking her new years eve date. No seriously, this is basically all they added to this episode. WHERE ARE THE SASSY BROS OF BEN’S SEASON? They’re dead to me, now. JoJo’s mom didn’t even take a SIP of wine from the bottle. Instead she said things like, “Make JoJo the queen of your heart.” Okay, girl. Maybe you did slip some wine in between takes.

Robby pulls both parents in to ask for the proposal blessing and uses JOELLE so he’s suuuper serious. It’s the cheesiest and most scripted speech ever. It is in between his cliché lines about lifetime love that grows that I truly discover who Robby is. He’s Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver. He flashes those pearly whites and turns it on for the parents, kissing ass and using full names. What a little weiner. Unfortunately JoJo’s dad falls for it and is eager to blow up his daughter’s spot by telling Robby she totally loves him. Then JoJo’s dad boohoos because someone loves his daughter.

When JoJo asks for her family’s opinions, they can’t suck Eddie, I mean Robby’s D harder. Papa Fletch is all, “Robby’s the kind of guy you want your daughter to end up with,” I’m assuming because he’s gay, and not a threat. Once JoJo learns everyone is Team Robby she’s like WTF you guys were supposed to pick Jordan! It could not have been more of a classic case of asking someone’s opinion and then when they don’t give you the one you want, you cry about it. So that’s what JoJo did. She cried and said she was confused and can’t pick. JoJo’s sister, who is present the entire time, doesn’t breathe a word. Is she being held hostage?

Beach Day with Robby

Robby uses his last date to strengthen my hate for him. His opening line is, “Today’s my last day before I propose to Jo.” STOP CHANGING HER NAME. PICK ONE NICKNAME AND STICK WITH IT. Meanwhile, the camera man dives directly into JoJo’s nipples as she strips down to her bikini in preparation of using Thailand’s waters as a lubricant. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW, YOU PERVS. I could’ve done without facebombing into JoJo’s ample cleavage. We get that enough with each rose ceremony sparkly skintight dress, amirite? To prove that Robby’s not just after JoJo for her body—because he thinks boobs are icky—he paints a picture of what their future would look like. It’s mostly right from a sitcom complete with a bundle of kiddies and a burnt meatloaf. Oh, and wine to make them forget that this is their life as a married couple. Sounds riveting. I’m one year younger than JoJo and if a guy I met a week earlier brought up cooking meatloaf and having kids screaming in the background as our future I would drown myself directly in the Andaman Sea. (BOOM. GEOGRAPHY.) I obviously had to google a map for that reference but whatever.

Anyway, two weeks of vacation really flies by when you’re smooching 27 guys and traveling the world. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?! Since it’s been so long since they first met, Robby and JoJo reminisce over 4×6’s of their dates. Robby really wants to hear JoJo say I love you. Too bad, so sad!

Pirating with Jordan

Jojo takes in the sights and feels like this is something she would’ve seen on National Geographic. Don’t try to fool us that you watch anything other than MTV, JoJosephina. The J’s have a serious chat about how Jordan didn’t ask JoJo’s dad for her hand. He just didn’t think it felt right and he won’t ask until he knows it’s a hard yes. JoJo is confused. This is the part in the episode where they make it seem like JoJo isn’t going to pick Jordan. Jordan spends the whole evening portion convincing JoJo he wants her for life and regretting not asking her dad. I consider writing ABC a letter convincing them that all this could’ve been accomplished in a one hour slot.

Neil Lane’s Time to Shine

Jordan (after being shamed so hard) calls JoJo’s parents to ask permission via speakerphone. SO warm and sincere. Then he writes JoJo a notebook style letter and they each take a turn reading it, voiceover style as Jordan coiffed his hair and lint brushes his suit. Robby writes a dumb letter too. Apparently we’re getting into “hit you over the head” notebook reference territory. For the record, a note written on loose leaf on reality TV doesn’t even hold a candle to “I love you, I’ll be seeing you.” So stop trying to make it happen! JoJo reads both and cries declaring she’s having a panic attack.

If you say it, it’s probably not true. I learned that old trick from my brother in law. Anytime I choke on my food (probably because I’m eating it too fast) and cough out “I’m choking”, he’s quick to point out that if I’m talking then I’m breathing and therefore not choking. Facts only. That’s not a panic attack, JoJo. That’s called feeling bad about dumping a human Ken doll on national television.

SURE ENOUGH, Robby’s out of the limo first. BYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE!

JoJo can’t let Robby get down on his knee, so she stops him to sob and tell him she doesn’t want to do this but BOY, BYE. She hasn’t improved one inch at dumping this whole season. JoJo’s heart is PHYSICALLY hurting after that breakup. Of course she already immediately misses him once he leaves.

Jordan shows up as JoJo is still crying a little bit over Robby. One of them declares that love doesn’t need to have scripts…which is nice but this one totally does. She loves him, he loves her, she slides that Neil cushion cut right on her ring fing and then makes a lot of sex moans while they smooch and cuddle. Jordan effortlessly flips her into his arms for a quick jog on the beach as he tells us about “our life” together. OUR IS PLURAL, JORDAN. IT’S LIVES. I let it slide once, but I cannot.

 

AFTER SHOW HIGHLIGHTS

• Robby painfully asks JoJo several times why she didn’t love him as much as Jordan. It’s sad and cringeworthy. Take a hint, bruh. They cut to Jordan backstage primping his hair and it’s EMBARRASSING. Real talk though: I wonder if Jordan’s hair gets wet in the shower.

• There’s a slight tease at the next Bachelor just so Chad can get up to point out that his mom died and he’s a marine and he too, deserves love. Chris says how about no? We don’t get a Bachelor announcement, so this after show was worthless.

• JoJo looks hot AF in a sassy pony. Her and Jordan have gone through some hard times because of all the rumors. Their shelf life is end of BIP and that’s pretty obvious.

• Jordan continues to dodge all further questioning about GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS. It didn’t matter if he said anything because Chris Harrison used that title in full roughly 15 times throughout the episode to get viewers to watch the entire after show. What a con artist. I hope GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS sues the franchise.

• JoJo and Jordan are moving in together in Dallas. For now. But more importantly, ABC is sending them back to PENNSYLFUCKINGVANIA. Seriously?! Out of all the places they could go, this is the prize? JoJo squeals in glee. I don’t understand anything. I wish these two nothing but fame.
• Chris Harrison points out that Ben and Lauren are there no less than 100 times, to remind us that they’re still together and also that they have a reality show coming to the tween network very soon.

PS big ups to JoJo and Jordan for patting themselves on the back for not spoiling the results via Snapchat like Kaitlyn, yet forgetting to mention that this mouth-breathing dum dum did it for them when he gave an interview and revealed that JoJo gets along great with the whole family.

HOW ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED TO DO INTERVIEWS MID-SEASON? Anyway, see you next season for The Bachelor with Luke. Not Luke Rodgers. THIS Luke.