Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Double Kick in the Nuts

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“I got a fantasy suite card and then I got sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts.”

Last week we were left with the cliffhanger that JoJo might send her everlasting Nicholas Sparks character home and sPoILeR alert: she did. And that’s when I checked right on out of this season.

stepbruhs

In this scenario, this entire season was the white dog crap and I’VE HAD ENOUGH, JOJO. Luke stutters about seeing a future with her and thinking the magic was real like a wounded baby bird. JoJo is the crusher of all dreams and magic and I nearly reached toward my TV to give Luke a hug. It cut even deeper when his parting words were, “I’m sorry.” DON’T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO HER, LUKE!!! YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A PERFECT COWBOY STRAIGHT OUT OF AN EROTICA. JoJo sobs and says she misses him already. TOUGH LUCK, B. (If it wasn’t a trillion times obvious, Luke is top dog for The Bachelor now.)

Thailand

JoJo prays that this week of boning brings her clarity. Girl doesn’t need clarity because by narrowing it down to a guy whose probably gay, a guy who didn’t speak all season, and a famous-adjacent stud, I THINK WE ALL HAVE CLARITY on who she’s gonna give the final rose to.

ROBBY

It rains while Robby and JoJo get Thai massages. There is no happy ending. Later, Robby shows JoJo a letter that his dad snuck into his pants during the home visit. It basically says “You rock, don’t eva change. Love, Dad.” Robby wants JoJo to keep this probably forged letter to show her that his feelings are real. And to remind her that Robby’s “THE MAN!” He gets an invite to sleepover in her mouth. I close my eyes and ears. JoJo claims she’s in love with Robby.

JORDAN

Jordan and JoJo hike to a temple. JoJo modestly covers her shoulders to respect the tradition of Thailand. Her junderwear is totes fine though. Super conservative. It’s a true test of restraint when the two aren’t allowed to kiss in the temple considering just last week they conducted a real moanfest in a library full of high school kids. Instead they talk about JoJo’s parents and brothers…boner killllll. They’re coming out next week to meet the final two and Jordan can’t wait to show how much he loves JoJo. I’m appalled that it took this long for a JoBro’s cameo. Even farmer Chris’s country sisters with Kate Plus Eight haircuts had guest appearances during his season, and they had faces for radio. The bros BETTER deliver next week.

During dinner, JoJo freaks out because when she asks Jordan where he sees himself in a year, he’s like dunno! I guess it’s a turn off that her man doesn’t have a job. Makes total sense since she’s falling in love with a former swimmer and a former quarterback. Aim high. Also, of course she loves Jordan too. But she refuses to pull a Higgins and keeps her lips zipped. She does not, however, keep her pants zipped (I know, girl never wears pants, just go with the metaphor…it flows better) because Jordan gets dat fantasy suite. The morning after, JoJo recycles the same line she used on Robby, “we’re eating our first breakfast together!!!!!” So that’s really authentic. The producers give us gratuitous shots of Jordan shirtless on his balcony and as I believe the great Quinn King once said, the panties of America drip in unison.

CHASE

JoJo thinks Chase is SUPER playful because he pretends to eat a dead fish. Lolerz. That Chase! He always has some goofy bit up his sleeve! Chase s l o w l y tells us how JoJo’s personality and sex appeal are unstoppable. Someone’s thirsty AF for that fantasy suite. They frolic and dry hump in the water.

Robby steals time during the day of Chase, essentially just to further make me want to vomit. He just missed JoJo so much. He also needed a little more screen time to workshop what he should call her. We’ve gotten a variety of Jo, Joelle, Joj and it’s getting cringeworthy watching him figure out which nickname feels right. Answer: none of them. Pls take your glowing teeth and go away, Robby.

rossteeth

After Robby interruptus, Chase reads the fantasy suite card because we haven’t heard it read aloud twice already this episode. It’s about as necessary as Chris Harrison entering every single week just to remind us that we’re on the last rose. At any rate, in the suite, Chase tells JoJo that he loves her and he admits he’s never said that to someone first before and with that, sealed his fate to leave Thailand and all it’s fishy smell behind. Lookin at you, JoJo. No but seriously, vag jokes aside, JoJo promptly breaks up with Chase. No booty for him. And if you’re looking for a little #MotivationMonday, look no further than Chases’ response: “So now love equals get the fuck out?” Golf clap. Enjoy your years of therapy, Chaseroni. JoJo sobs of course then follows him out to the car, refusing to let him leave on his own terms. After watching this 40 minutes earlier with Luke, I’ve had just about enough with JoJo’s breakup tactic. The guys aren’t supposed to comfort you when you’re breaking up with them, JoJo. That’s not how this works. Cut the cord and let Chase enjoy his road soda in peace.

 

Rose Ceremony 2.0

And the battle of the tight ankle pants and fluffy hair commences. I mean seriously, could these two do anything to stand out? They’re wearing matching G-D blue and khaki outfits like they work at the resort. Even Chase gets the memo as he interrupts JoJo’s soliloquy about dumping him. Chase isn’t back to ask for a second chance, he just wants to secure his place in the running for The Bachelor. If he ousts Luke for the title, there’s no telling what I’ll do. (I’ll watch the season and make fun of him every week, obviously.) Anyway, Chase leaves again and JoJo returns to use her annoying baby voice to give out both roses to her twin boyfriends.

 

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Now let’s all get ready for what’s really important…the return of Chad in all his torso-tossing glory to our TV’s.

chadchelorette

 

 

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