The Bachelorette- Battle of the Sparkle Dresses

“Will this be awkward? Probably.” – Chris Harrison

Will this be sexist? Definitely. Something tells me ABC will be in a liiittle bit of hot water after last night’s episode/this entire new premise for the show. It was downright painful to watch two beautiful women with completely different personalities compete to find their husband, leaving their fate in the hands of 25 guys who believe they know EVERYTHING about these girls from another reality show. Between the guys proclaiming that they came here for one girl then meeting the other and being torn because she also has a vagina, one of the Ryan’s tossing back Fireballs and declaring that he’s going to rape another contestant, OH and the sparkling conversation about which one is a desired trophy wife, I don’t think this season will be well-received with the feminists.

Britt is excited she got a second chance to quit that waitressing job of hers and Kaitlyn is like this blows, they’re gonna pick the slutty one who wears lipstick to bed. To state their cases to the men, Kaitlyn tells a knock knock joke about how this entire show is a joke (point, Kaitlyn) and Britt tells 25 men that she wants a husband and lots of kids like yesterday (probably fueled the trophy wife debate.) Anyway here is a breakdown of suitors who did anything memorable and which girl they ship…(It probably would’ve been effective to divide this blog up by teams but I actually had to work today so cut me a little slack.)

Jonathan

Has a five year old son named Sky and it needs a mom.Wears a maroon suit like a bo$$, basically drools all over Britt and throws Kaitlyn a peace sign. Team Britt, obviously.

Joe the Fivehead

Smalltown Kentucky boy, AKA Chris Soules 2.0. Brings a jar of moonshine for Kaitlyn to swig and she does, cause she can hang. Team Kaitlyn.

Josh

Ah yes, our stripper with a side job of lawyering. His intro brings us into the dark club where he works and even though ABC felt it was necessary to bleep out the word shot in the Billboard Music Awards, they were totes cool with showing Josh’s mostly naked thrusting for enough minutes to make me feel dirty. Makes sense. Really keeps this going when he strips on his way out of the limo. Everyone has the uncomfies. “I haven’t felt like this about a girl in a long, long time,” Josh confesses–or probably since the last time a girl was touching his junk while he shook it in her face. Team Britt.

Brady

Our struggling musician sings his intro, obviously trying to jump start his career. Former baseball player, current G-O-D lover. Has a solid rating scale, “1 out of 10, Britt’s a solid billion.” I see what you did there, Brady. Team Britt.

Joshua

Welds a rose and makes a ton of stupid welding puns, cause like he’s a welder. Duh. Team Kaitlyn.

Ian

Princeton athlete who was hit by a car and in a coma for a hot sec followed by a wheelchair for about a month… aka he’s Nathan Scott without the unfortunate post-accident mullet. Team Kaitlyn. Like really team Kaitlyn..basically tells her he’s obsessed with her.

Jared

He’s a wiener who made up a dumb superhero called “Loveman”..even wearing a specially made shirt to meet the ladies. I’m embarrassed for him. Team Can’t Decide…leaning toward Britt.

Tony

Is a creep or in his words, “Spiritual Gangster”. Tony is a healer and yet is sporting a black eye…He also has a middle part that is really not helping his overall creepmonster look. He says the same practiced monologue to each girl as he exits the limo, Britt eats that shit right up, later they talk for 1 second and Britt says she knows everything that he is. Rrrright. At voting time, Tony gropes each girls’ box and felt that Britt’s box was “pulsating with energy” so he stuck his vote in her box.

Ben Z.

Lost his mom when he was younger and now I feel like a real dick for calling him a mama’s boy in my ranking blog. Bios could’ve tipped me off to that one. Also he’s Team Both, Team Love. (Cop out.)

Ben H.

Asks Kaitlyn to explain her tattoo choice to him. Apparently her elbow tats signify the only bird that remembers how to fly home and also that dirtbag Chris Soules never once asked her about her tats so Ben H. has a leg up on Prince Farming already. Also obsesses over sponsoring poors with Britt and wants to write letters to them or something. Team ?

Ryan B.

Greets Britt and calls her “Disney Princess”, which he probably thought was really swoonworthy but in reality it was weird and gave me the heebie jeebies. Hey guys, quick tip…just stick to princess if you’re going to use it as a term of endearment. This isn’t Kardashley’s season so we don’t need to brand the type of princess a girl is.

Brings a hocky puck and declares to Kaitlyn, “I would love to puck you.” This gains him points in my book but then later he’s talking to Britt and turns into a real baby bitch and is like I can’t compete with the other guys. Changes his mind and wants to puck Britt instead because she comforts him and tells him he CAN compete.

Ryan M.

The Junkyard Specialist that was most definitely planted in this episode for ratings. (He once dated Nikki from Juan Pablo’s season) Regardless, RYAN M IS HORNED UP after a few straight Fireball dranks. (Note to self: Fireball horns a man up.) There is an almost brodown throwdown with Steve Sanders (Shawn E.) He then attempts to ragdoll Britt by her hair while all the guys try to save her from getting a roofie coolatta followed by a little grab ass with Kaitlyn. His swan song, if you will, is stripping down to nut huggers and sliding into the pool with the grace of a beached whale. Chris Harrison (or if you’ve had a few thousand fireballs, Chris Hansen) sends him packing and all the remaining contestants weep because they can’t come off as the strong male hero anymore.

Daniel

The fashion designer who danced out of the limo. I’ll let you interpret that as you may.

Justin

Brought balloons and inhaled helium for his entrance. Didn’t know we were at a middle school birthday party. Kewl.

Tanner

Tried to be a gentleman and brought Britt some tissues because she was a snot machine last season. “Is that soap or a tissue?”-Kaitlyn asks Britt. OHHHHH BURN CITY, POPULATION: BRITT. Britt calls him out for being a dick later with that backhanded gift and he’s like yeah ok. Still surprisingly Team Britt.

Shawn B.

Only guy to go in for the group hug, completely avoiding the awkward choosing who to talk to first. Both Kait and Shawn toss the phrase love at first sight around like nobody’s biz. KAITLYN AND SHAWN 4EVA (Could my predictions be coming true?) He gives Kaitlyn a shitty picture his nephew drew and loses a few points with me but whatevs, he’s still a clear favorite. Team Kaitlyn obv.

Corey

Brings a volleyball (?), asks Kaitlyn if he can still plow her field. She says OK.

Shawn E. AKA Steve Sanders

Rolls up in a hot tub car but is wearing a full suit…clearly didn’t think the dismount through and stepped out of it looking like a real sopping wet turd. Doesn’t matter cause he immediately got CHIRPED by Drunky McDrunkerson who says that car SUCKS. They exchange words later like mature adults. Just kidding, Ryan calls him stupid. Shawn later tells Britt he’s an amateur sexpert or whatever and gives her some sound anal advice. Nailed it.

Chris

Rides up to the mansion in a cupcake topped with candy corn. CHOOSE THE WORST CANDY EVER, Chris. BARF.COM. The sparkle twins are impressed. Clearly it doesn’t take much. Later Chris tells Kaitlyn, “Cold hands, warm heart” and I vomit everywhere. Team Kaitlyn.

The votes are locked in after the men debate if they want a trophy wife or a real wife. Tough decisions. Chris Harrison has a producer count the ballots (couldn’t we get someone more legit?) and before he can announce who won…TO BE CONTINUED flashes as a nice gentle reminder that we’re all a bunch of suckers who will tune in for two more hours tonight just to find out.

(Also in case it wasn’t aggressively obvious throughout this blog, I’m 110% #TEAMKAITLYN)

Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap

I should probably stop having such high hopes for these types of awards shows. It was preeetttyyy roughsicles but there were some glimmers throughout the three hours so here are your highs and lows of the night.

Highs

-Tswizzle made her public debut with Calvin Harris as her boo thang. Every award that she won (there were many) she made sure to hug everyone in her crew but Calv got some smooch action and it was hot sauce. Would’ve been even spicier if Calvin had gone in for the ass grab below, but whateva…the point is they’re obviously porking.

-Speaking of hot sauce, Nick Jonas performed “Jealous” and even though he was essentially wearing a foil blanket that marathon runners get once they’ve finished the race and there were lots of lasers and graphics trying to distract me, he still dripped sex.

-Sam Smith wins top male artist and had to give a silent thank you because he’s having throat surgery, so he made cue cards that told Taylor to play blackjack, shouted out Nicki’s big azzzz and signed up Ed for a Chippendales dance. It was cute and also a quick reminder that all of these mega rich famous people are BFF’s.

-Ed Sheeran murders “Bloodstream” and it’s easily the best performance of the night. I’d like to see ANYONE in that slew of performances that paled in comparison to get up there and run a loop pedal like that. They can’t, so they tromp around the stage in bras instead. (I’m lookin at you, Nicki.)

Full Performance Here

-Harry gave Nial’s junk a little love tap in their victory walk.

-After winning, 1D took the high road (and their publicist’s strong advice, I’m guessing) to thank “their brother Zayn”…which is more mature than calling him out on Twitter, but much less exciting.

-The Florida Georgia Line vest twins each wore nice, flattering, attractive suits. Whoa.

-Meredith Grey. Get it grrrrl.

-The Empire mashup gave us some beatz to work with…fictional or not it was a solid performance.

-Simple Minds perform “Don’t You Forget About Me” for 30 year Breakfast Club tribute. Lead singer wearing the shit out of a plaid blazer, accentuates it with a whole lot of gyrating.

Lows

-Taylor’s Hunger Games style “Bad Blood” music video with every single person she’s ever talked to starring as a different villain trying to kill her. It was way too much and the remix wasn’t my fave. Girl looked great but come on. Best villain name: Slay-Z for Gigi. I want that to be my alter ego. Also Tay as a ginge. Watch below if you want sensory overload.

-Opening performance of Van Halen so they can catch their target audience of old people before they go to bed at 9PM. The forced sexual shout out to Nicki Minaj mid-song was a little too “HEY WE’RE HIP AND KNOW THINGS”

-Hate to say it but Chrissy Teigen and LUUUDAAAA were kind of duds at hosting. Luda should’ve done a medley of his hits to kick off the show. THAT would have been the stuff. Chrissy kept relying on cracks about how she gets penetrated by John Legend on the reg. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been better.

-Mariah Carey performs to let everyone know that she’s retiring to Las Vegas and she doesn’t sing one of her old bangers so what was even the point of that? She also shrieks at the end, which is a nice reminder that she has to struggle to hit the high notes these days.

– The 1000th Paul Walker tribute with “See You Again” where Wiz decides to honor his homie Paul by going nips out for the boys in a nude colored blouse. Then had a nice quick seizure at the end. RIP

-Little Big Town and Faith Hill with a hard buzzcut sing “Girl Crush”. Could this song be any slower? Could Faith’s hair be any shorter?

-The Billboard Music Awards started F’ing with me when they put two people I despise onstage together for a collab. Pitbull and Chris Brown. It’s like they were almost taunting me to turn the TV off. (I chose to take a snack break instead.)

-It’s actually embarrassing that the Britney/Iggy song had to follow Ed. Because it is trash. Britney wore duct tape over her lady bits, which was really considerate of her. They did tacky 80’s choreography to match this shitty song and I wanted to close my eyes and ears so many times. Petition for Britney and Mariah to stick to Vegas.

-Molly Ringwald thirstily asks if she can be part of Taylor’s crew and they ham it up in the audience because honestly who doesn’t want to be included in the popular crowd? Kind of embarrassing that you have to ask though, right Molls?

-Imagine Dragons, best known for their wild performances banging on drums and screaming do the Ben E King tribute with “Stand By Me”. Hmm…really makes you wonder who pinpointed them as the best option for that.

-Kayne is the closer and it’s about 6 minutes of pyrotechnics and silence. 99% of his song is bleeped out and you can’t even see him. THAT IS ART.

-Chrissy and Luda sign off and take a S***. Oh wait…I’m not a square so I’m allowed to say what they did. THEY TOOK A SHOT. They literally tossed back liquor on television BUT WEREN’T ALLOWED TO SAY THE WORD SHOT WITHOUT IT GETTING BLEEPED OUT. In what world does it make sense to have every female singer parade their RB curtz around stage just fine but the word SHOT (also can be used to describe a vaccination) is censored off the TV. Mic. Drop.

Full Winners List:

Top Duo/Group- One Direction Top Billboard 200 Album- Taylor Swift, 1989 Top Rap Song- “Fancy” Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX Top Male Artist- Sam Smith Top Radio Song- “All of Me” John Legend Top Female Artist- Taylor Swift Top Touring Artist- One Direction Top Hot 100 Song- “All About That Bass” Meghan Trainor Billboard Artist (fan-voted)-Taylor Swift Top Country Artist- Florida Georgia Line Top Artist- Taylor Swift

Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet

Hey guys, I actually showered on No-Shower-Sunday so this gives me every right to rank who looked like a garbage can at the Billboard’s.

Worst:

Zendaya’s back to barf.com outfits.

Not a good enough reason to show your belly button and almost vagina, Rita.

Sweet noutfit (nude outfit), Jussie.

This is a Christmas party dress. Let’s stick to summer thoughts.

COME ONNN. WHY ARE YOU EVEN WEARING A DRESS AT THIS POINT?

Because only Mariah would walk the red carpet with oversized sunglasses like an asshole.

Brit. Woof.

This dress is making me dizzy. Sry, girl.

All I’ve ever wanted is for Harry to throw a little dry shampoo in that lettuce of his.

Best:

I-G-G-Y coming in Saasssyyy. Could be because she’s standing next to dud city but I dig.

Yes, please.

Nick knew my favorite color is purple. He’s just toying with my emotions now.

FIDDY. Left field. Fresh to death.

Taraji has been dressing like a sassmonster lately and I don’t hate it.

Jesse never disappoints in his suit game.

This grew on me, the men are really impressing me with the unique suits this time around.

tswizzle Screen Shot 2015-05-17 at 9.22.48 PM

Tay is owning this. Strut city with those billion dollar legs.

Obv fave outfit of the night and also squad goals:

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Before You Go Make Sure You Know”

First and foremost let’s all thank the network Gods for approving a season 4 of Nashville because otherwise how would we know if DEACON DIES?! Can you imagine if they left us with that predictable (literally I predicted it last week) cliffhanger ending and there wasn’t a season 4 to resolve it? I can’t even think about it… I just get too stressed.

As far as season finales go, this one was not stressful at all. In fact I would go so far as to say nothing actually happened…so we’re going to break it down in categories of things that I liked and things that I didn’t.

HIGHLIGHTS (Things I liked):

-Juliette completing her full transformation back to villain. This was real entertaining to watch. Girl’s completely over her intervention and doesn’t have time for the IT that ruined her life and her vagina. She stomps her finished album into Rayna with Bucky and Glen in tow and when they’re like heyyyy maybe slow your roll and tend to your fresh baby, she replies with “SCREW YOU, SCREW YOU, AND DEFINITELY SCREW YOU LADY!” No seriously, she called Rayna “lady”. I figured this was Juliette’s rock bottom until she went home and Avery tries to sugarcoat their bundle of joy and asks Juliette to sing to her so Juliette’s like fine give her to me betch, which casually turns into Mama Bear hurling a snow globe at her husband and baby’s bodies. NBD. Juliette’s like whoopsie lemme go grab a broom and Avery tells her to maybe GTFO. When she replaces the happy family snowglobe, Avery boohoos a lot and tells her that she’s sick and she needs to pick family or music and then he peaces out so that Juliette can glare into that crystal ball snowglobe, call up Luke and say Wheels up!

-Will sashays outta that closet which seems a little premature…oh wait never mind he’s been avoiding it for two full seasons at a standstill. SO IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. After hanging out with his dad who sees two men touch hands and declares that he’s lost his appetite (ironclad stomach), Will tries to convince his father and Luke that the pics just show a work retreat and he’s healed of the gay. He even asks boytoy to tell the press that bros caress each other shirtless on work trips all the time, duh. Until finally in front of the press Will says, “I called this press conference cause ya’ll got it wrong.” Har-Har. JK he follows that with I’m gay and I’m not ashamed. So here we are. Will loves his boyf and he’s gay and here to stay.

-Bev-D-O-Double G faces off with Rayna the only way they know how in Nashville…a sing-off. Just kidding, but Bev does move in on family harmonizing hour (every day between 4 and 5 duh.) and Maddie/Daphne are like omgeee we loveeee Aunt Bev as the Bevmonster throws Rayna a smirk and announces she’s staying in Nashville after the surgery. Rayna is forced to thank Bev profusely for what she’s doing and Bev is like yeah, whatever, turns out I’m the hero now (insert evil cackle).

-Teddy won’t give up Tandie’s name to the Feds, #LOYALTY, so he ends up going to the clink…but the real entertainment comes from his arrest going down on live TV and no one in his family even noticing because they care more about Deacon dying. Lawlz.

LOWLIGHTS (Things that were stupid):

-An actual scene from the Boyhood trailer (I never watched the movie..it looked boring, sue me.) coming to life in Deacon’s nightmares about dying with suuuuuper creepy music. Hey guys, I’m watching a soap opera about country music, not a horror movie, enough with the buried alive to creeptastic music.

-Juliette signing with Luke because she’s mad at everyone in her life, recruiting Fordham as her manager (because he hates kids too) and putting on a snooze worthy performance in a hideous skin tight joutfit. NOTHING compared to her previous rooftop banger. Also mended the rift between Fordham and Luke about Will being gay (why is this a thing…)

-Hot Doc invites Scarlett to move in with him and she immediately agrees and then immediately tells Gunnar.

-The return of Micah via Face Time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He’s all HEY MOM AND DAD CAN’T W8 FOR YOU TO VISIT. Gunnar wants to continue being illegitimate daddy to the little nuisance but told Kiley they shouldn’t kiss anymore.

-….Because Scarlett and Gunnar are still drawing out their inevitable porking and surprise to no one they write a lovely song togets and perform it at the hospital on the roof with the city lights all around them and their harmonizing leads to a smooch at the end. Yawn. The song (I Will Never Let You Know) is on par for their duets but I still hate them both.

–Jeff/Layla continue their power struggle when Fordham takes all technology away from Layla and also tells her she’s a heffer who should hit the treadmill. Layla smartens up a little and sneaks a voicemail from Rayna whose obviously worried about her being a casj prisoner of the Fordham jail and Layla gets curious so she sneaks onto The Google and somehow finds a picture of the EXACT moment Jeff gives passed out Layla side eye and sends the tweet from her phone. Weird how that very second was captured. Anyway, it inspires her to go Elin Nordegren on Jeffy’s car until he’s like I did it because I never want to lose you, slow dip, kiss, brainwashing to be continued next season. Yiikes. Does Layla have any redeeming qualities with her relationship choices? Don’t answer that.

THE “CLIFFHANGER”:

All of Deacon’s creepy dreams catch up to him before surgery and he’s like hey Ray Ray let’s do a quick shotgun right here in my hospital room pre-op. Rayna convinces him that he’s going to live and they’re going to grow old together (sweet), they say vows but don’t really get married (for the awww factor.) Deacon is put under to the same music from his dreams which like enough with that shit and he panics and in the final moments we see a monitor flat-lining and I pat myself on the back for my phenomenal prediction of how this episode will end. Hot doc comes out and says he has some bad news for Rayna. After hearing about how Deacon is DYING for a full season I almost want him to die so everyone will shut the hell up about it. But no…alas it will be Bev who bites it on the operating table (AFTER they snatch up that liver.) Why? Because if it’s one thing I know it’s that Nashville LOVES killing off the characters we already sorta don’t like. Teddy’s lying mistress Peggy eating a bullet, anyone? Lamar the swindling asshole having a heart attack? Pete the wife beater getting shot? Am I missing anyone? Anyway, the bitchy sister/terrible mom who didn’t even want to give up her liver to save her bro’s life in the first place seems like a hot candidate for the finale kill-off dontcha think? Until next season, folks. GUITAR RIFF.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette: Ranking the Contestants

Thank the man upstairs that ABC released the bro bios with juuuust enough time for me to forget who they all are before the premiere on Monday. I think I’d like to take this opportunity to judge them all before we get to meet them so I’ve taken the liberty of ranking them by physical appearance and how they answered the few dumb questions casting directors asked them. First impression (rose): Ben is the new Ashley. Nope I take that back, Corey is, just kidding it’s Josh, errr Ryan, no it’s Shawn. Oh wait…there are two (+) of every name. This is going to be a nightmare, nickname suggestions welcome to keep these fitness fanatics with the top three common American white boy names straight.

Tony, 35

This guy is a dad without the dad bod. The hair that says I’m trying to be surfer cool but I’m not sure if I’m pulling it off right, the pose, everything. Anyway…Occupation: Healer. This literally sums up everything you need to know about Tony.

Shawn E.

Bruh. What’s with the puka shells? Are you trying to find a wife or are you legitimately Steve Sanders, circa 1997? Shawn E. wins most likely to frost his tips and do a front spike. He’s also an Amateur Sex Coach. New career goals: find a job with the word amateur in the title. Yiikes. Gettin a real creepster vibe from our first Shawn of the group. Also his perfect first date ended with AND I QUOTE “Embracing and loving until sunrise.” Someone pls buy me a new laptop because I just puked all over mine.

Clint

But actually…what’s with the swoopy hair that needs to be tucked behind your ears trend? Either grow it out long enough for a sexy man bun or keep it short. Gawd, Clint. Otherwise no real red flags here, except he chose to be Chuck Norris out of ANYONE IN THE WORLD for a day. So that’s real dumb.

Corey

I’m getting a reeealll saucy vibe from this pose. Regardless, Corey with an E looks old AF. He’s an investment banker, which probably factors into the old face, claims he has small tattoos (tramp stamp? heart on the ankle?) and called the Dalai Lama an “enlightened cat.” Jazz fingers for CorEy going home the first night.

Josh

Normally Josh would rank higher on the list because his occupation is Law Student/Exotic Dancer and a whole slew of Magic Mike scenarios flooded my brain (and my underwear.) Unfortunately upon reading more about Josh, I learned he’s probably a liar who tells lies. His biggest accomplishment to date is graduating law school, yet his occupation says law student. Hmm…someone doesn’t want to fess up to being a full time stripper, obv. He also chose future Josh to have dinner with. Will future Josh still be a stripper?

Joshua

We’re getting our two Josh’s out of the way right quick. This one is an “industrial welder”, which seems kind of like Chris Soules was a “farmer” who can leave his farm for months at a time and also live elsewhere. Anyway, Joshua’s biggest date fear is his mom crashing and forcing him to blow his nose. Um, weird? He also picked Tom Hanks to have lunch with. Goodbye.

Joe

Joe here has a real hard case of the five-head. Looking past his cartoon shaped head, he is asked for a five year plan and says that’s too far ahead to plan out because he lives day by day. Hey Joe, do you even know what this show is? It’s to find ya wifey, and Britt wants 100 kids to walk out of her vagina, so you better start planning.

Jonathan

Jonathan is an Automotive Spokesman… I now have images of him being the announcer on Wheel of Fortune… “Tammy you just won a brand new caaaarrrr, come onnn dooownnnnn!” Also Jonathan is boring as shit and that scenario in my head was more entertaining than reading his bio.

David

Another middle of the pack bore that will probably receive the Samantha treatment and get the boot after several weeks of not speaking, David is in real estate, idolizes his little sis and wants Brad Pitt to teach him how to charm a woman.

JJ’s a hottie but guess what I’m going deeper than that. His job title is former investment banker and when asked about his date fear he says wasting time/money on someone just using him for dinner. AKA JJ’s on the unemployment grind. Possible reason for unemployment gleaned from this small bio? He has a gambling addiction. Clues: His most outrageous thing he’s ever done was win $20,000 betting a college football game and his hero is Robert Downey Jr. for overcoming adversity and recovering. Meeethinks JJ is on rough terms with his bookie right now. What can I say, I really did some investigative journalism there.

Brady

If you didn’t already guess it from his appearance, Brady is an aspiring country singer/songwriter AKA he’s using this show as a vehicle to become famous and therefore we don’t want you Brady, go away. HOWEVER, he did win bonus points with me for citing “explosive diarrhea” as his biggest date fear.

Daniel

Daniel is a fashion designer from Nashville, which is interesting for a straight man. Also one of his favorite movies is Big Fish and suddenly I hate him. That was the worst movie I ever had to sit through and I also happened to be trapped on a bus when I was forced to watch it. Daniel also biked across America so three cheers for being more athletic than me and having shitty taste in movies. I better see what you design if you want to redeem yourself.

Ian

Ian is an Executive Recruiter which is absolutely one of those jobs that sounds important but we have no idea what he actually does. Nothing too exciting to report here except that he picked Jimmy Kimmel as his person to have lunch with which means he’s being a kiss ass and I don’t respect it. Win fair and square without sucking Jimmy Kimmel’s D.

Ben Z.

Chose to have lunch with his mom because he will take any time with her he can get. MA-MA’S BOY.

Chris

Chris is a dentist, which explains that over the top blinding veneer smile. I love a guy to have a good smile but this is too much. Chris would be the date to eat a spinach casserole, finish, smile and have a cartoon sparkle on his teeth while you have spinach weaved throughout your gums in the most hideous of fashions. Did I get carried away there? Probably but this smile intimidates me. Fun fact: his biggest date fear is the chick eating his food which is NOT gonna fly with me. CHRIS.DOESN’T.SHARE.FOOD.

Justin

Justin’s a hunk but seems pretty boring. Unless you factor in that he would choose to be “someone from a less privileged country” for a day because it would be “an eye-opening experience.” In other words, Justin is only charitable in hypothetical situations. I bet if you gave him a ticket to Haiti right now he’d be like oh no, no, I only answered that to make myself look better, please don’t make me actually go there.

Tanner

Tanner’s a country fan, which I dig, but he doesn’t like sloppy drunks, so that doesn’t add up.

Kupah

Kupah got 1 trillion bonus points just for having a name that I will actually remember. He’s a Boston boy who worships Marky Mark (eye roll) but uses a well-placed Sandlot quote in his bio when he says marriage is “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER.” He’s also an entrepreneur, which is fancy for unemployed/club promoter.

Ryan B.

Ryan B. has gr8 hair but doesn’t know how to use Twitter. He went to text his girlfriend a pic once (mirror selfie I’m assuming) and accidentally tweeted it instead. It’s a good thing he’s so pretty. He’s also a realtor and I can totally see his face being on a bench somewhere in Florida.

Cory

E-less Cory is much hotter than CorEy and I’m not afraid to admit it. His greatest date fear is that it’s a dude, which wouldn’t be a fear unless it’s happened before, right? We’ll forgive him because he’s a Texas boy (prob has a sexy accent) and if he could be anyone for a day it would be his younger self. Don’t we all wish we could be younger, Cor.

Ryan M.

Ryan M’s got a Father’s Day Sears Catalog look to him but his biggest date fear is “The person being terrible.” And that literally made me laugh out loud. RyGuy tells it like it is…except when it comes to his job which is listed as “Junkyard Specialist” and now I’m convinced there must be a google translator where you type in your job and it spits out a fancy title. i.e. Garbageman–>Junkyard Specialist.

Jared

Jared did something I haven’t seen any other guy do, and that’s sneak a rom-com into his fave movies list. He chose Crazy, Stupid, Love…a phenomenal Ry Gos flick that gave him lots of bonus points. Other things working in his favor: his love and admiration for his dad, his volunteer work at a children with cancer summer camp and his life goals to be Obama for a day. Jared looks GREAT on paper. (The famous last words before every online dating FAIL.)

Bradley

Bradley is an International Auto Shipper, which sounds illegal but he looks like he just stepped off of a yacht in Nantucket. He wants a chick who can understand his sarcasm (Kaitlyn), loves Will Ferrell movies, got a tennis scholarship to college and would love to be Tom Brady for a day so he could bang one out with Gisele after being a bo$$ QB (touchy subject currently.) Bradley seems like a real guy’s guy and will probably provide some entertainment, earning him the number 2 seed in my rankings.

Shawn B.

Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.

If you want to form your own opinions instead of accepting mine as bible, visit the full cast page here

Television

Life Lessons from Dr. Mindy Lahiri

The Mindy Project got “cancelled.” I put this in quotes because I’m still holding out hope that it will make a comeback elsewhere but in the wake of the news, I decided to throw together a collection of Mindy’s most relatable teaching moments and the things that we can all learn from leading a life full of bearclaws and Beyonce worship.

1. Don’t hide your fears. This was the most reasonable way I’ve ever seen someone react to a bug. I know firsthand because today on my patio a bee came near me and I screeched at an ear piercing decibel and almost ran through my screen door. Moral of the story, don’t ever repress your fears just because you’re in the presence of a hot guy.

2. Sometimes kids need to be told when they’re being dumb. Realistically this happens a lot…children aren’t the smartest. Big ups for Mindy trying to comfort this little whiner though because I would’ve probably told her to zip it. This was actually a preview into Mindy as a mom and let me be the first to say she will be a great one…fingers crossed we get to see it.

3. It’s important to know your limits. Listen, the fit lifestyle isn’t for everyone and Mindy knew she wasn’t winning Most Likely to Instagram #Fitspiration and #WorkoutWednesday and that’s much more important than actually being healthy. This would have been an ideal response to give to my doctor when she suggested I start walking to the train farther from my apt since I haven’t exercised in six months. C’mon, doc.

4. Work it. If it’s one thing Mindy isn’t lacking, it’s confidence and even when you haven’t showered and you’re wearing bulky layers topped off with a pair of sneakers called Fat Steps, you can still own it and compare yourself to Keira Knightley. Plus she knows it can be intimidating to have the brains and the booty. Same, girl…same.

5. A conversation doesn’t count unless there’s a pop culture reference in it. Mindy may have a doc smart brain, but don’t even think about questioning her knowledge of the Kardashians. It’s important to be the one person in your workplace who brings everyone’s coolness factor up a notch or 100 and Mindy does that with her constant TV and pop music references. Plus what’s cooler than a Lil Wayne costume? Nothing.

6. Know how to dress for every occasion. Whether it’s your first time attending mass in a Catholic church or gym chic, every girl should have a go-to outfit for each environment. If we’re being honest I would prefer to sit behind Mindy in her derby hat at church because then I could read a book without anyone seeing. It’s a win-win really, Mindy is always looking out for others with her fashion savvy.

7. Food is not for nourishment, it’s for enjoyment. What makes life worth living? Having a belly full of candy like a piñata. Probably 90% of the show is Mindy stuffing her yapper full of steaks, pastries and washing it down with sour straws and it makes me feel a WHOLE lot better for bringing in a jar of salsa and a full bag of chips to work on a regular basis for a post-lunch snackin.

8. Set goals for yourself. If you want to be successful in life you need to have something to work for. Career goals are fine, but the real stuff is setting the bar for getting your own fan club, duhs.

9. Wine so hard. Sometimes you just gotta let loose and hit the sauce, just make sure that the sauce is wine and it’s sipped in moderation from your bra. (Side note: my birthday’s approaching and the wine bra would be a phenomenal gift.)

10. It’s ok to not have your shit together all the time. For the times when you maybe let the wine flow a little too freely from your 36B and turn into a slob kebab, it’s all going to be just fine. Mindy has had her fair share of suuuuper embarrassing moments and she’s come out on top still, so there’s obviously hope for all of us hot messes who spend their Friday nights watching a Youtube video of a baby that’s afraid of it’s own fart.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/4/15

1. Taylor Swift begins the 1989 tour in Tokyo with 55,000 people and it’s outrageously over the top. Girl’s got a moving stage, thousands of outfit changes, literal flying paper planes and synchronized the stadium via wristbands that light up to the beat of her music. Did we expect anything less? No. Was I still in awe? Yes. I guess this is why tickets were half a month’s rent. Thanks for making me feel like a poor person, Taylor. Keep traveling the world and performing sick beats in your purple shiny ice dancer fit and flare though. Respect.

TAY WITH PAPER PLANES pic.twitter.com/DJyLcA6Sfg

— Taylor Swift Japan (@TSUpdateJPN) May 6, 2015

No but actually I’ve included a collection of her outfits below because I’ve never seen a better collection of crop tops/bodysuits in my whole life. White crop with knee high boots coming in hot at number 1. (Also Tay really knows her audience in the first pic…)

2. The Mindy Project got the ax from Fox. Sad news but I feel like there’s hope in it being revived online or a cable network…or at least this is what I’m telling myself to stay calm. If I don’t have more Morgan Tookers in my life hanging with baby animals like a weirdo I might lose it.

3. Honest Trailer released a Fifty Shades edition this week. It had the word butthole in it, more than once. I think you know how this made the list. If laughing out loud every time I hear the word buhhole is childish then call me Peter Pan because I don’t ever wanna grow up.

4. The Royal Baby was born BUT did you hear Becks is tearin it up on Insta? Charlotte, Shmarlotte…David Beckham got an instagram on his 40th (forty.holy shit.) birthday and clearly he knows what insta’s all about because he immediately posted a selfie from bed. Yum. Since then he’s been crushing it so you should obviously follow him if you want to drool over his hot bod and hot fam. Here’s a sampling to tide you over.

View this post on Instagram

Good morning and hello! It’s great to finally be on Instagram, been a long time coming but I can’t wait to start sharing all my special moments with you. Thank you for all your birthday messages so far. Looking forward to a great day with friends and family x

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 1, 2015 at 10:04pm PDT

View this post on Instagram

I feel a very lucky man #DB40

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 2, 2015 at 2:55am PDT

View this post on Instagram

Someone is trying to make daddy feel pretty today after a heavy night

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 4, 2015 at 3:17am PDT

View this post on Instagram

Thanks to my beautiful wife for such an amazing day x

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 2, 2015 at 2:14pm PDT

5. Stephen Merchant makes me conflicted between laughing or covering my eyes. Obviously creator of Lip Sync Battle is going balls to the wall (I guess literally) so please enjoy his recreation of Xtina and cringe. Also might I add that Talk Dirty NEVER gets old?

Have a weird weekend, playas.

Uncategorized

Nashville- “Is the Better Part Over”

Great news, Nashies, we’ve almost made it through another season! Don’t quite pat yourself on the back yet because we still have one more episode that I can only assume will follow Deacon slowly but surely getting prepped for liver surgery until in the last minute his monitor flat lines. End scene. Guitar riff. Did I just give a spoiler without even knowing what happens? Probably.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though, first we need to discuss Rayna’s big (terrible hair) meltdown about Deacon DYING. Guess she was expecting Beverly to cash that check real quick so when Bev-dawgz mails it back all ripped up Rayna loses her cool in a trippy “I have tunnel vision because Deacon cancer shit is raining from the ceiling” kind of way. She slicks her hair back into a hideous bun and goes home to listen to old records of her and Deacon and drown in her own tears. I can’t tell if she’s crying from Deacon’s imminent almost death or from how terrible their duets are but either way she’s not looking so hot. Deacon finds her and Rayna finally fesses up that she tried to buy Beverly’s liver for a million doll hairs. Deacon and Rayna ugly cry together. Rayna slobbers out that every time she pictures her future, Deacon’s in it. It would be touching except she’s snotting everywhere when she says it.

Speaking of snots, Juliette’s baby is unfortunately still in existence and nothing disappoints her more. She’s on a high from getting her career back and banging her husband a lot but that gnat of a husband keeps reminding her they have a baby and what a BUZZKILL that is. I’d also like to take this time to put Juliette on notice, not for hating her child because that’s understandable…the kid ruined her budding career, but to maybe stop being such an asshole to Rayna. Juliette awards Rayna with a brief meeting where she promises a finished album in two days and gives Rayna a whole lot of sass mouth, referring to her as Your Highness. Hey Juliette, when you have hair like that, you get to be top dog…until then know your place and knock it off.

Later on that night Deacon is set to play the Bluebird until the press finds out he’s dying and ruins it by treating this performance like he’s going to play and then die right onstage. He decides it’s best not to show up and instead throws it to the Exes to take over. The Exes have been offered a record deal from Highway 65 (sound familiar?) and also all they do is bitch at each other THIS ENTIRE EPISODE. It makes for some pretty uncomfy dates in hot Doc and the terrible mom, who clearly can see that these two just need to bang one out and move on with it. They perform a gr8 song as always with Avery watching in the crowd (kind of insensitive, no?) and in the end they decide to sign with Highway 65 and keep their personal lives out of it. Yeah…right. Also not for nothing but has Scarlett’s southern twang gotten worse this season? I’ve found that I can barely listen to her talk without my ears bleeding out. Her accent sounds like the one that I do when I get loopy in the car and sing along to Taylor Swift’s “Our Song” with an exaggerated hick drawl. All in favor of Gunnar and Scarlett only making music and never speaking next season? I.

While everyone is jammin at the Bluebird, Teddy’s deal to not go to jail for life is to be a narc much like his prosty friend. Apparently the way to stay out of jail is just a chain of narcing for the government. Sounds about right. He wears a wire to meet with the senator who Lamar used to do illegal biz with and it turns out the senator blows Tandie in for her involvement. Looks like someone will be coming back from Cali sooner than expected…

Auntie Tandie’s getting a lot of verbal air time this episode as the little tweens Maddie and Daphne are also out visiting her in California, which I’m assuming is a direct result of Maddie getting caught during her little afternoon delight last week.

Will, however, has been indulging in full days of delight on a vacation with his boy toy, which obviously ends in several photogs proving once and for all that he’s not a straight. He also has to face his dad who I’m assuming right away doesn’t like gays due to his rugged cowboy looks and the fact that he tossed Will on the side of the road and told him he wished he was never born. But that’s neither here nor there because Papa Lexington says he’s proud of Will and loves him and Will’s all OK we’re good.

All is not well with Layla, who got replaced by Meghan Trainor on Jade Unicorn Hair’s tour all because she took to twitter at the party, or rather all because little birdy Jeffy went tweet, tweet while she passed out on a bench. Evil Fordham is back in action and I’m gleeful about his return. He tells sharp as a tack Layla that the best way to solve this problem is to have a twitter war with Pinky-Locks and sets out to sabotage her career. He even gets her to sign a contract so that he can’t be fired. Layla the doe eyed Bambi doesn’t even read it before signing and methinks Jeff was expecting that.

After being a special brand of raging bitch all day, Juliette convinces Avery to go out while she watches the spawn. Avery is worried clearly but he shouldn’t be because it’s not like Juliette is going to immediately sling on a pair of noise cancelling headphones and leave their baby to die. Oh wait…INTERVENTION. They all gather to tell Juliette maybe she has a case of the Post Partum I Hate My Baby. Juliette flies off the handle and tells them all that she basically financially supports them so she’s just gonna go ahead and make that album and keep payin the bills and forget about her child whose name she definitely doesn’t know. I think it went well.

After some hardcore wah-wahs, Deacon and Rayna decide to mop up their tears and hit the Bluebird for a duet. Rayna gives a good “Hey Ya’ll” into the mic (nod to Tami Taylor) and that’s just about the only nice thing I can say about this performance. Afterwards, Rayna and Deacon make out and who waltzes on into the Bluebird but Beverly, saying she wants to save Deacon’s life. She hugs Deacon and fixes a real hard set of crazy eyes on Ray Ray. Something tells me Bev has set a price for her liver after all, and it’s the disappearance of Ray Ray.

Music, Playlist

90’s Pop Jamz

It’s been a while since I’ve forced everyone to listen to the best songs of previous decades so here we are again. This time it’s the OBVIOUS pop bangers of the 90’s and early 2000’s focusing on boy bands and girl bands who were the stuff (with the additional bada$$ bitches who were solo.)

1. Bye, Bye, Bye- N*SYNC. I mean obviously this playlist needs to start with the OG of boy bands, the pinnacle, if you will. Though difficult to pick just one N*SYNC classic, this one came with it’s own dance move and therefore has stood the test of time.

2. Oops!…I Did It Again- Britney Spears. Because back then there wasn’t a Justin without a Britney. The best kind of song is one that starts with what sounds like a car attempting and failing to start and has a break in the middle for a quick Broadway play…Aww, you shouldn’t have. No really Brit, you shouldn’t have. Mid-song talkies are the worst. But this song isn’t.

3. MMMBop- Hanson. Three young boys with floor length blonde locks sing a song that we LITERALLY will never know the words to. Seriously, WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY SAYING? Whatever, it’s catchy AF.

4. Waterfalls- TLC. This song is about people dying of AIDS and drug overdoses and stuff, pretty heavy, but if you use a metaphor about bodies of water to describe it, suddenly it’s a fresh song with a little sax thrown in. If you can master the Left Eye (may she rest in peace) rap in this then I absolutely need to be your friend.

5. Back Here- BBMak. It’s unfortunate that these guys came out around the same time as N*SYNC and BSB cause they pretty much didn’t stand a chance. They also had the hairstyles of a punk rock band so that was strike 2. Good news is they know how to write a killer whiny love song.

6. Genie In A Bottle- Christina Aguilera. We’ve seen a lot of Christina’s in our lifetime, Dirrty Xtina wearing assless chaps, retro Christina trying to make the 50’s cool and more recently The Voice Christina trying to be a part of the boys club. It’s important for us not to forget that she got her start being suuuuper innocent singing about getting rubbed the right way. Get it, girl!

7. When The Lights Go Out- 5ive. Damn this boy band had a little FLAVA. And I’m not just talking about how clever it was that they literally used the number 5 in their band name. I’m referring to the swagger they had in this song. SECOND VERSE, GIRL-The rapping is on point. They’re bragging about their bedroom skills and I for one couldn’t wait for them to show me what it’s all about. Not so much after this picture though…

8. No More (Baby I’ma Do Right)- 3LW. If you don’t listen to this song and immediately burst out laughing to “broken promithes, promithes” you don’t like fun things. 3LW may have had a little street cred as a girl band and telling off their deadbeat men, but THAT LISP. Also they really drive the point home in this song by repeating every word, just in case. Fun fact: I saw them open for N*SYNC and they came out in janitor jumpsuits and stripped them off mid song while dancing and it was suuuupes impressive. It obviously didn’t take a lot for me to be dazzled at that age.

9. Give Me Just One Night- 98 Degrees. We’re going to sweep it under the rug that 98 degrees tried to make a comeback with a song about blowies and really relish the good ole days where all they needed was one night (one night) with a girl. Not for nothing but this song was educational in teaching me my first Spanish words.

10. Wannabe- Spice Girls. The Spice Girls created the girl group and also taught us about Brits. I used to reenact scenes from the Spice Girl movie during recess, unfortunately everyone’s favorite was Baby and BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH BROWN HAIR I had to be Posh or Sporty. Both options suck and so did my British accent but I digress. Here’s another song where I have heard it 1000 times and still don’t know what they’re saying, but I certainly know that Bevin, Peyton Brooke and Haley did a choreographed dance to it on the roof of a house party. PS Scary Spice’s cackle is EXACTLY how she got her name.

11. The Animal Song- Savage Garden. Let’s slow it down now with two baby faces with the falsetto of angels. This song is about how they wish they were animals because then they could run around all carefree. Don’t we all wish that, Savage Garden, don’t we all. Anyway their CD (I’m pretty sure they only have one?) is the best crying soundtrack you could ever ask for. Trust me. Plus: pwetty boys.

12. S Club Party- S Club 7. Again, here we are with another classssic British band that taught me new things. For example, I learned that hoochie mamas show their nana’s at any good party. For the record, if their show was still on the air I would still be watching it because it was the shit. Unfortunately S Club 7 pretty much fell off the wagon and tried to do a comeback recently that was quite a scene. Jo no longer has the flow, let’s just say that.

13. Summergirls- LFO. LFO was the badass version of boy bands. They mused nonsense about Scooby snacks and Chinese food and we were like yes, please, Rich.

14. Candy- Mandy Moore. Again, might be hard to recall a time when Mandy was REAL blonde and singing about craving a boy like she craves candy. Suuuch a stupid song but doesn’t make it any less catchy. Love always, Mandy.

15. Liquid Dreams- O-Town. The original Making the Band kicked off reality TV AND gave us a song about wet dreams. Could we really ask for more? It concerns me to report that my sister and I spent a whole summer day on my back deck choregraphing a dance to this song and not once did my mom say hey maybe stop shimmying to a song about boner jams. It was a great dance though.

16. C’est La Vie- B*Witched. It’s pretty much a rule at this point that if you have an asterick in your band name your cool factor is top notch. These chicks are also suuuupes Irish, which pushes their cool factor through the roof. You don’t get too many pop songs that you could literally do an irish jig in the middle to some bag pipes and that’s what makes this song gr8. Plus it starts with “Some people say I look like me dad”…which doesn’t even make sense.

17. Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)- Aaron Carter. I refuse to ever make a 90’s pop playlist without my gangsta AC. Kid was like 4 ft. tall wearing oversized FUBU with white Nikes and apparently knew how to threw a kiiiickin party while his parents catch a matinee. The different characters in this song, the way he’s talking to the honey’s and breakin it down on the living room dance floor instead of being a good host, and his dad grounding him at the end…what a whirlwind of emotions in one song. Was it the party of the month? No. It was the party of the year.

18. He Loves U Not- Dream. Although I’m pretty sure I never knew anyone’s individual names in Dream, I know that I loved them. They were super sassy. I had(have) their CD and one of their songs was literally them just telling off a guy named Jordan for trying to date them all at once and thinking they wouldn’t find out. THEY FOUND OUT, JORDAN. I made my very first music video (camcorder style) to this song and it was award-winning if I do say so myself. It was supposed to be a dream sequence (get it?) then during the instrumentals we ran around and pulled the letters “D-R-E-A-M” off the wall to show we were going back to real life. Whoa. Copywritten so don’t even try to rip me off, guys.

Signature Pink Coordinates ❤

19. The Hardest Part of Breaking Up- 2Gether. These clowns were supposed to be a parody of a boy band but their mockery went over our tween idiot heads and we loved them anyway. Also they had a balding 40 year old in the group, casj. AND they rapped about math. WHAT a breakup jam this is though. These bros could get DOWN and they also would like their cat back pls.

20. I Want It That Way- Backstreet Boys. It seemed like the right thing to do to bookend this playlist with the two rivals and most popular boy bands of the 90’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I was 1000% team N*SYNC, but that never clouded my appreciation for what BSB was doing. Unfortunately a lot of the teens at this time did let it cloud their vision. My dad’s favorite thing to do (his only entertainment really) when he took us to an N*SYNC concert was to ask tweens if this was the BSB concert and just watch their dramats reactions. I would imagine it’s close to going to a 1D concert today and announcing that you can’t wait to see 5 Seconds of Summer? (1D still a touchy subject?) I don’t know. Either way this song gives me all the feels, and I DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAYYYY it doesn’t.

Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet

Since this ball is honoring costumes, it’s known to have some out there fashion statements. This year’s theme was China: Through the Looking Glass, which left a whole lot of room for accidental racism. I’d like to applaud Hollywood for toeing that line quite nicely and avoiding any large scandal. Although no one showed up in a kimono with chopsticks in their hair, I would like to find out how one gets an invite to this event because judging by the MTV crowd, I’m convinced if I rolled up in a floral ball gown I would’ve been let in no questions asked. Anyway, here’s the looks that made me want to puke everywhere, accompanied by the ones that made me drool.

Worst:

This is actually really tame for GaGa. Still hate it though..basically a moomoo with feathers.

Ms. Katy Perry ditching her infamous cheeto themed outfits for an emo/graffiti theme.

http://www.barf.com/always …sweet blue hair.

FKA Twigs is somewhat wearing a human…or maybe just their arms/legs? I don’t know. I’m uncomfy.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen JLo look old. Also this dress is Mushu from Mulan sewed onto a body. How dare you treat Mushu like that.

Hey have you guys ever seen Kim K’s lady bits? This is a really bold look for her because she’s always so modest and covered. What a risk taker.

Belle has arrived and apparently slayed the beast and dyed his fur yellow for her ensemble tonight.

Wax. Figure.

This dress belongs on the cover of Seventeen Magazine.

Not into the color or the shoulder cutout, or the way Emma Roberts looks like she wants to murder a village.

The cupcake poof makes Alicia look like she’s 1000 lbs and we know she’s not because she’s croppin so hard. Not flattering.

I know it’s like sacrilegious to put SJP on the worst dressed but guess what, I’m doing it. That headdress is stupid.

Little House on the Yellow River

Damnit guys, you used to be cute as shit. Why does it look like you’re 100 now and 2/3 of the Sanderson sisters? Pretty BA to completely ignore the theme though.

Dakota looks like she picked this up at Deb and is going to hit the clubs tonight. Read the red carpet, Dakota. Not the event for this kind of mini.

Not in love with this pattern, Cher. Hair on fleek though for someone over 60 that’s impressive.

Chloe borrowed Kristin’s black choker from Laguna Beach.

Again, how was this punk invited?

hailee-steinfeld

Bleh.

Ummm…maybe use the tassels awkwardly hanging down your leg to tie that wide open jacket closed.

What an unfortunate area to have what looks like blood stains on your dress. Jus sayin.

Kewl fake tats.

Closest we got to an actual kimono.

This dress looks like a pinterest project.

Best:

Hated this so hard when I first saw it. The more that I stare at it though, I respect it. There’s only one way to come back after almost murdering your brother in law in an elevator at last year’s Met Ball, and that’s obviously to wear something like this. Fist bump, Solange.

Andy looking dapper AF.

Usher looks like he legitimately has a foot injury but I’m gonna credit the pimp cane to part of this look anyway. Smooth.

Always a stylish couple, Diane is crushing the bodysuit.

Not many men to look at so Ansel made the cut for looking adorbs.

I want to hate Amal so bad because she’s so above Hollywood and smart or something but she looks gr8.

This is a flattering style on her, I could do without pelicans flying across the dress.

I dig this color on Keri, wish her hair was down.

This is so asshole that I love it. Anne Hathaway is hated on so much and she’s like guess what I’m going to roll through with my shiny gold hood up. H8ers gonna H8.