Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Before You Go Make Sure You Know”

Nashville-Season-3

First and foremost let’s all thank the network Gods for approving a season 4 of Nashville because otherwise how would we know if DEACON DIES?! Can you imagine if they left us with that predictable (literally I predicted it last week) cliffhanger ending and there wasn’t a season 4 to resolve it? I can’t even think about it… I just get too stressed.

As far as season finales go, this one was not stressful at all. In fact I would go so far as to say nothing actually happened…so we’re going to break it down in categories of things that I liked and things that I didn’t.

HIGHLIGHTS (Things I liked):

-Juliette completing her full transformation back to villain. This was real entertaining to watch. Girl’s completely over her intervention and doesn’t have time for the IT that ruined her life and her vagina. She stomps her finished album into Rayna with Bucky and Glen in tow and when they’re like heyyyy maybe slow your roll and tend to your fresh baby, she replies with “SCREW YOU, SCREW YOU, AND DEFINITELY SCREW YOU LADY!” No seriously, she called Rayna “lady”. I figured this was Juliette’s rock bottom until she went home and Avery tries to sugarcoat their bundle of joy and asks Juliette to sing to her so Juliette’s like fine give her to me betch, which casually turns into Mama Bear hurling a snow globe at her husband and baby’s bodies. NBD. Juliette’s like whoopsie lemme go grab a broom and Avery tells her to maybe GTFO. When she replaces the happy family snowglobe, Avery boohoos a lot and tells her that she’s sick and she needs to pick family or music and then he peaces out so that Juliette can glare into that crystal ball snowglobe, call up Luke and say Wheels up!

-Will sashays outta that closet which seems a little premature…oh wait never mind he’s been avoiding it for two full seasons at a standstill. SO IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. After hanging out with his dad who sees two men touch hands and declares that he’s lost his appetite (ironclad stomach), Will tries to convince his father and Luke that the pics just show a work retreat and he’s healed of the gay. He even asks boytoy to tell the press that bros caress each other shirtless on work trips all the time, duh. Until finally in front of the press Will says, “I called this press conference cause ya’ll got it wrong.” Har-Har. JK he follows that with I’m gay and I’m not ashamed. So here we are. Will loves his boyf and he’s gay and here to stay.

-Bev-D-O-Double G faces off with Rayna the only way they know how in Nashville…a sing-off. Just kidding, but Bev does move in on family harmonizing hour (every day between 4 and 5 duh.) and Maddie/Daphne are like omgeee we loveeee Aunt Bev as the Bevmonster throws Rayna a smirk and announces she’s staying in Nashville after the surgery. Rayna is forced to thank Bev profusely for what she’s doing and Bev is like yeah, whatever, turns out I’m the hero now (insert evil cackle).

-Teddy won’t give up Tandie’s name to the Feds, #LOYALTY, so he ends up going to the clink…but the real entertainment comes from his arrest going down on live TV and no one in his family even noticing because they care more about Deacon dying. Lawlz.

LOWLIGHTS (Things that were stupid):

-An actual scene from the Boyhood trailer (I never watched the movie..it looked boring, sue me.) coming to life in Deacon’s nightmares about dying with suuuuuper creepy music. Hey guys, I’m watching a soap opera about country music, not a horror movie, enough with the buried alive to creeptastic music.

-Juliette signing with Luke because she’s mad at everyone in her life, recruiting Fordham as her manager (because he hates kids too) and putting on a snooze worthy performance in a hideous skin tight joutfit. NOTHING compared to her previous rooftop banger. Also mended the rift between Fordham and Luke about Will being gay (why is this a thing…)

-Hot Doc invites Scarlett to move in with him and she immediately agrees and then immediately tells Gunnar.

-The return of Micah via Face Time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He’s all HEY MOM AND DAD CAN’T W8 FOR YOU TO VISIT. Gunnar wants to continue being illegitimate daddy to the little nuisance but told Kiley they shouldn’t kiss anymore.

-….Because Scarlett and Gunnar are still drawing out their inevitable porking and surprise to no one they write a lovely song togets and perform it at the hospital on the roof with the city lights all around them and their harmonizing leads to a smooch at the end. Yawn. The song (I Will Never Let You Know) is on par for their duets but I still hate them both.

–Jeff/Layla continue their power struggle when Fordham takes all technology away from Layla and also tells her she’s a heffer who should hit the treadmill. Layla smartens up a little and sneaks a voicemail from Rayna whose obviously worried about her being a casj prisoner of the Fordham jail and Layla gets curious so she sneaks onto The Google and somehow finds a picture of the EXACT moment Jeff gives passed out Layla side eye and sends the tweet from her phone. Weird how that very second was captured. Anyway, it inspires her to go Elin Nordegren on Jeffy’s car until he’s like I did it because I never want to lose you, slow dip, kiss, brainwashing to be continued next season. Yiikes. Does Layla have any redeeming qualities with her relationship choices? Don’t answer that.

THE “CLIFFHANGER”:

All of Deacon’s creepy dreams catch up to him before surgery and he’s like hey Ray Ray let’s do a quick shotgun right here in my hospital room pre-op. Rayna convinces him that he’s going to live and they’re going to grow old together (sweet), they say vows but don’t really get married (for the awww factor.) Deacon is put under to the same music from his dreams which like enough with that shit and he panics and in the final moments we see a monitor flat-lining and I pat myself on the back for my phenomenal prediction of how this episode will end. Hot doc comes out and says he has some bad news for Rayna. After hearing about how Deacon is DYING for a full season I almost want him to die so everyone will shut the hell up about it. But no…alas it will be Bev who bites it on the operating table (AFTER they snatch up that liver.) Why? Because if it’s one thing I know it’s that Nashville LOVES killing off the characters we already sorta don’t like. Teddy’s lying mistress Peggy eating a bullet, anyone? Lamar the swindling asshole having a heart attack? Pete the wife beater getting shot? Am I missing anyone? Anyway, the bitchy sister/terrible mom who didn’t even want to give up her liver to save her bro’s life in the first place seems like a hot candidate for the finale kill-off dontcha think? Until next season, folks. GUITAR RIFF.

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