Thank the man upstairs that ABC released the bro bios with juuuust enough time for me to forget who they all are before the premiere on Monday. I think I’d like to take this opportunity to judge them all before we get to meet them so I’ve taken the liberty of ranking them by physical appearance and how they answered the few dumb questions casting directors asked them. First impression (rose): Ben is the new Ashley. Nope I take that back, Corey is, just kidding it’s Josh, errr Ryan, no it’s Shawn. Oh wait…there are two (+) of every name. This is going to be a nightmare, nickname suggestions welcome to keep these fitness fanatics with the top three common American white boy names straight.
This guy is a dad without the dad bod. The hair that says I’m trying to be surfer cool but I’m not sure if I’m pulling it off right, the pose, everything. Anyway…Occupation: Healer. This literally sums up everything you need to know about Tony.
Bruh. What’s with the puka shells? Are you trying to find a wife or are you legitimately Steve Sanders, circa 1997? Shawn E. wins most likely to frost his tips and do a front spike. He’s also an Amateur Sex Coach. New career goals: find a job with the word amateur in the title. Yiikes. Gettin a real creepster vibe from our first Shawn of the group. Also his perfect first date ended with AND I QUOTE “Embracing and loving until sunrise.” Someone pls buy me a new laptop because I just puked all over mine.
But actually…what’s with the swoopy hair that needs to be tucked behind your ears trend? Either grow it out long enough for a sexy man bun or keep it short. Gawd, Clint. Otherwise no real red flags here, except he chose to be Chuck Norris out of ANYONE IN THE WORLD for a day. So that’s real dumb.
I’m getting a reeealll saucy vibe from this pose. Regardless, Corey with an E looks old AF. He’s an investment banker, which probably factors into the old face, claims he has small tattoos (tramp stamp? heart on the ankle?) and called the Dalai Lama an “enlightened cat.” Jazz fingers for CorEy going home the first night.
Normally Josh would rank higher on the list because his occupation is Law Student/Exotic Dancer and a whole slew of Magic Mike scenarios flooded my brain (and my underwear.) Unfortunately upon reading more about Josh, I learned he’s probably a liar who tells lies. His biggest accomplishment to date is graduating law school, yet his occupation says law student. Hmm…someone doesn’t want to fess up to being a full time stripper, obv. He also chose future Josh to have dinner with. Will future Josh still be a stripper?
We’re getting our two Josh’s out of the way right quick. This one is an “industrial welder”, which seems kind of like Chris Soules was a “farmer” who can leave his farm for months at a time and also live elsewhere. Anyway, Joshua’s biggest date fear is his mom crashing and forcing him to blow his nose. Um, weird? He also picked Tom Hanks to have lunch with. Goodbye.
Joe here has a real hard case of the five-head. Looking past his cartoon shaped head, he is asked for a five year plan and says that’s too far ahead to plan out because he lives day by day. Hey Joe, do you even know what this show is? It’s to find ya wifey, and Britt wants 100 kids to walk out of her vagina, so you better start planning.
Jonathan is an Automotive Spokesman… I now have images of him being the announcer on Wheel of Fortune… “Tammy you just won a brand new caaaarrrr, come onnn dooownnnnn!” Also Jonathan is boring as shit and that scenario in my head was more entertaining than reading his bio.
Another middle of the pack bore that will probably receive the Samantha treatment and get the boot after several weeks of not speaking, David is in real estate, idolizes his little sis and wants Brad Pitt to teach him how to charm a woman.
JJ’s a hottie but guess what I’m going deeper than that. His job title is former investment banker and when asked about his date fear he says wasting time/money on someone just using him for dinner. AKA JJ’s on the unemployment grind. Possible reason for unemployment gleaned from this small bio? He has a gambling addiction. Clues: His most outrageous thing he’s ever done was win $20,000 betting a college football game and his hero is Robert Downey Jr. for overcoming adversity and recovering. Meeethinks JJ is on rough terms with his bookie right now. What can I say, I really did some investigative journalism there.
If you didn’t already guess it from his appearance, Brady is an aspiring country singer/songwriter AKA he’s using this show as a vehicle to become famous and therefore we don’t want you Brady, go away. HOWEVER, he did win bonus points with me for citing “explosive diarrhea” as his biggest date fear.
Daniel is a fashion designer from Nashville, which is interesting for a straight man. Also one of his favorite movies is Big Fish and suddenly I hate him. That was the worst movie I ever had to sit through and I also happened to be trapped on a bus when I was forced to watch it. Daniel also biked across America so three cheers for being more athletic than me and having shitty taste in movies. I better see what you design if you want to redeem yourself.
Ian is an Executive Recruiter which is absolutely one of those jobs that sounds important but we have no idea what he actually does. Nothing too exciting to report here except that he picked Jimmy Kimmel as his person to have lunch with which means he’s being a kiss ass and I don’t respect it. Win fair and square without sucking Jimmy Kimmel’s D.
Chose to have lunch with his mom because he will take any time with her he can get. MA-MA’S BOY.
Chris is a dentist, which explains that over the top blinding veneer smile. I love a guy to have a good smile but this is too much. Chris would be the date to eat a spinach casserole, finish, smile and have a cartoon sparkle on his teeth while you have spinach weaved throughout your gums in the most hideous of fashions. Did I get carried away there? Probably but this smile intimidates me. Fun fact: his biggest date fear is the chick eating his food which is NOT gonna fly with me. CHRIS.DOESN’T.SHARE.FOOD.
Justin’s a hunk but seems pretty boring. Unless you factor in that he would choose to be “someone from a less privileged country” for a day because it would be “an eye-opening experience.” In other words, Justin is only charitable in hypothetical situations. I bet if you gave him a ticket to Haiti right now he’d be like oh no, no, I only answered that to make myself look better, please don’t make me actually go there.
Tanner’s a country fan, which I dig, but he doesn’t like sloppy drunks, so that doesn’t add up.
Kupah got 1 trillion bonus points just for having a name that I will actually remember. He’s a Boston boy who worships Marky Mark (eye roll) but uses a well-placed Sandlot quote in his bio when he says marriage is “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER.” He’s also an entrepreneur, which is fancy for unemployed/club promoter.
Ryan B. has gr8 hair but doesn’t know how to use Twitter. He went to text his girlfriend a pic once (mirror selfie I’m assuming) and accidentally tweeted it instead. It’s a good thing he’s so pretty. He’s also a realtor and I can totally see his face being on a bench somewhere in Florida.
E-less Cory is much hotter than CorEy and I’m not afraid to admit it. His greatest date fear is that it’s a dude, which wouldn’t be a fear unless it’s happened before, right? We’ll forgive him because he’s a Texas boy (prob has a sexy accent) and if he could be anyone for a day it would be his younger self. Don’t we all wish we could be younger, Cor.
Ryan M’s got a Father’s Day Sears Catalog look to him but his biggest date fear is “The person being terrible.” And that literally made me laugh out loud. RyGuy tells it like it is…except when it comes to his job which is listed as “Junkyard Specialist” and now I’m convinced there must be a google translator where you type in your job and it spits out a fancy title. i.e. Garbageman–>Junkyard Specialist.
Jared did something I haven’t seen any other guy do, and that’s sneak a rom-com into his fave movies list. He chose Crazy, Stupid, Love…a phenomenal Ry Gos flick that gave him lots of bonus points. Other things working in his favor: his love and admiration for his dad, his volunteer work at a children with cancer summer camp and his life goals to be Obama for a day. Jared looks GREAT on paper. (The famous last words before every online dating FAIL.)
Bradley is an International Auto Shipper, which sounds illegal but he looks like he just stepped off of a yacht in Nantucket. He wants a chick who can understand his sarcasm (Kaitlyn), loves Will Ferrell movies, got a tennis scholarship to college and would love to be Tom Brady for a day so he could bang one out with Gisele after being a bo$$ QB (touchy subject currently.) Bradley seems like a real guy’s guy and will probably provide some entertainment, earning him the number 2 seed in my rankings.
Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.
If you want to form your own opinions instead of accepting mine as bible, visit the full cast page here
2 thoughts on “The Bachelorette: Ranking the Contestants”
Kupah is also the first one to throw a racial slur, ie: “white boy wasted” talking about Ryan M. Tasteless and bad form. Hope he goes soon.
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