The Bachelorette: Ranking the Contestants

Thank the man upstairs that ABC released the bro bios with juuuust enough time for me to forget who they all are before the premiere on Monday. I think I’d like to take this opportunity to judge them all before we get to meet them so I’ve taken the liberty of ranking them by physical appearance and how they answered the few dumb questions casting directors asked them. First impression (rose): Ben is the new Ashley. Nope I take that back, Corey is, just kidding it’s Josh, errr Ryan, no it’s Shawn. Oh wait…there are two (+) of every name. This is going to be a nightmare, nickname suggestions welcome to keep these fitness fanatics with the top three common American white boy names straight.

Tony, 35

This guy is a dad without the dad bod. The hair that says I’m trying to be surfer cool but I’m not sure if I’m pulling it off right, the pose, everything. Anyway…Occupation: Healer. This literally sums up everything you need to know about Tony.

Shawn E.

Bruh. What’s with the puka shells? Are you trying to find a wife or are you legitimately Steve Sanders, circa 1997? Shawn E. wins most likely to frost his tips and do a front spike. He’s also an Amateur Sex Coach. New career goals: find a job with the word amateur in the title. Yiikes. Gettin a real creepster vibe from our first Shawn of the group. Also his perfect first date ended with AND I QUOTE “Embracing and loving until sunrise.” Someone pls buy me a new laptop because I just puked all over mine.

Clint

But actually…what’s with the swoopy hair that needs to be tucked behind your ears trend? Either grow it out long enough for a sexy man bun or keep it short. Gawd, Clint. Otherwise no real red flags here, except he chose to be Chuck Norris out of ANYONE IN THE WORLD for a day. So that’s real dumb.

Corey

I’m getting a reeealll saucy vibe from this pose. Regardless, Corey with an E looks old AF. He’s an investment banker, which probably factors into the old face, claims he has small tattoos (tramp stamp? heart on the ankle?) and called the Dalai Lama an “enlightened cat.” Jazz fingers for CorEy going home the first night.

Josh

Normally Josh would rank higher on the list because his occupation is Law Student/Exotic Dancer and a whole slew of Magic Mike scenarios flooded my brain (and my underwear.) Unfortunately upon reading more about Josh, I learned he’s probably a liar who tells lies. His biggest accomplishment to date is graduating law school, yet his occupation says law student. Hmm…someone doesn’t want to fess up to being a full time stripper, obv. He also chose future Josh to have dinner with. Will future Josh still be a stripper?

Joshua

We’re getting our two Josh’s out of the way right quick. This one is an “industrial welder”, which seems kind of like Chris Soules was a “farmer” who can leave his farm for months at a time and also live elsewhere. Anyway, Joshua’s biggest date fear is his mom crashing and forcing him to blow his nose. Um, weird? He also picked Tom Hanks to have lunch with. Goodbye.

Joe

Joe here has a real hard case of the five-head. Looking past his cartoon shaped head, he is asked for a five year plan and says that’s too far ahead to plan out because he lives day by day. Hey Joe, do you even know what this show is? It’s to find ya wifey, and Britt wants 100 kids to walk out of her vagina, so you better start planning.

Jonathan

Jonathan is an Automotive Spokesman… I now have images of him being the announcer on Wheel of Fortune… “Tammy you just won a brand new caaaarrrr, come onnn dooownnnnn!” Also Jonathan is boring as shit and that scenario in my head was more entertaining than reading his bio.

David

Another middle of the pack bore that will probably receive the Samantha treatment and get the boot after several weeks of not speaking, David is in real estate, idolizes his little sis and wants Brad Pitt to teach him how to charm a woman.

JJ’s a hottie but guess what I’m going deeper than that. His job title is former investment banker and when asked about his date fear he says wasting time/money on someone just using him for dinner. AKA JJ’s on the unemployment grind. Possible reason for unemployment gleaned from this small bio? He has a gambling addiction. Clues: His most outrageous thing he’s ever done was win $20,000 betting a college football game and his hero is Robert Downey Jr. for overcoming adversity and recovering. Meeethinks JJ is on rough terms with his bookie right now. What can I say, I really did some investigative journalism there.

Brady

If you didn’t already guess it from his appearance, Brady is an aspiring country singer/songwriter AKA he’s using this show as a vehicle to become famous and therefore we don’t want you Brady, go away. HOWEVER, he did win bonus points with me for citing “explosive diarrhea” as his biggest date fear.

Daniel

Daniel is a fashion designer from Nashville, which is interesting for a straight man. Also one of his favorite movies is Big Fish and suddenly I hate him. That was the worst movie I ever had to sit through and I also happened to be trapped on a bus when I was forced to watch it. Daniel also biked across America so three cheers for being more athletic than me and having shitty taste in movies. I better see what you design if you want to redeem yourself.

Ian

Ian is an Executive Recruiter which is absolutely one of those jobs that sounds important but we have no idea what he actually does. Nothing too exciting to report here except that he picked Jimmy Kimmel as his person to have lunch with which means he’s being a kiss ass and I don’t respect it. Win fair and square without sucking Jimmy Kimmel’s D.

Ben Z.

Chose to have lunch with his mom because he will take any time with her he can get. MA-MA’S BOY.

Chris

Chris is a dentist, which explains that over the top blinding veneer smile. I love a guy to have a good smile but this is too much. Chris would be the date to eat a spinach casserole, finish, smile and have a cartoon sparkle on his teeth while you have spinach weaved throughout your gums in the most hideous of fashions. Did I get carried away there? Probably but this smile intimidates me. Fun fact: his biggest date fear is the chick eating his food which is NOT gonna fly with me. CHRIS.DOESN’T.SHARE.FOOD.

Justin

Justin’s a hunk but seems pretty boring. Unless you factor in that he would choose to be “someone from a less privileged country” for a day because it would be “an eye-opening experience.” In other words, Justin is only charitable in hypothetical situations. I bet if you gave him a ticket to Haiti right now he’d be like oh no, no, I only answered that to make myself look better, please don’t make me actually go there.

Tanner

Tanner’s a country fan, which I dig, but he doesn’t like sloppy drunks, so that doesn’t add up.

Kupah

Kupah got 1 trillion bonus points just for having a name that I will actually remember. He’s a Boston boy who worships Marky Mark (eye roll) but uses a well-placed Sandlot quote in his bio when he says marriage is “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER.” He’s also an entrepreneur, which is fancy for unemployed/club promoter.

Ryan B.

Ryan B. has gr8 hair but doesn’t know how to use Twitter. He went to text his girlfriend a pic once (mirror selfie I’m assuming) and accidentally tweeted it instead. It’s a good thing he’s so pretty. He’s also a realtor and I can totally see his face being on a bench somewhere in Florida.

Cory

E-less Cory is much hotter than CorEy and I’m not afraid to admit it. His greatest date fear is that it’s a dude, which wouldn’t be a fear unless it’s happened before, right? We’ll forgive him because he’s a Texas boy (prob has a sexy accent) and if he could be anyone for a day it would be his younger self. Don’t we all wish we could be younger, Cor.

Ryan M.

Ryan M’s got a Father’s Day Sears Catalog look to him but his biggest date fear is “The person being terrible.” And that literally made me laugh out loud. RyGuy tells it like it is…except when it comes to his job which is listed as “Junkyard Specialist” and now I’m convinced there must be a google translator where you type in your job and it spits out a fancy title. i.e. Garbageman–>Junkyard Specialist.

Jared

Jared did something I haven’t seen any other guy do, and that’s sneak a rom-com into his fave movies list. He chose Crazy, Stupid, Love…a phenomenal Ry Gos flick that gave him lots of bonus points. Other things working in his favor: his love and admiration for his dad, his volunteer work at a children with cancer summer camp and his life goals to be Obama for a day. Jared looks GREAT on paper. (The famous last words before every online dating FAIL.)

Bradley

Bradley is an International Auto Shipper, which sounds illegal but he looks like he just stepped off of a yacht in Nantucket. He wants a chick who can understand his sarcasm (Kaitlyn), loves Will Ferrell movies, got a tennis scholarship to college and would love to be Tom Brady for a day so he could bang one out with Gisele after being a bo$$ QB (touchy subject currently.) Bradley seems like a real guy’s guy and will probably provide some entertainment, earning him the number 2 seed in my rankings.

Shawn B.

Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.

If you want to form your own opinions instead of accepting mine as bible, visit the full cast page here

Television

Life Lessons from Dr. Mindy Lahiri

The Mindy Project got “cancelled.” I put this in quotes because I’m still holding out hope that it will make a comeback elsewhere but in the wake of the news, I decided to throw together a collection of Mindy’s most relatable teaching moments and the things that we can all learn from leading a life full of bearclaws and Beyonce worship.

1. Don’t hide your fears. This was the most reasonable way I’ve ever seen someone react to a bug. I know firsthand because today on my patio a bee came near me and I screeched at an ear piercing decibel and almost ran through my screen door. Moral of the story, don’t ever repress your fears just because you’re in the presence of a hot guy.

2. Sometimes kids need to be told when they’re being dumb. Realistically this happens a lot…children aren’t the smartest. Big ups for Mindy trying to comfort this little whiner though because I would’ve probably told her to zip it. This was actually a preview into Mindy as a mom and let me be the first to say she will be a great one…fingers crossed we get to see it.

3. It’s important to know your limits. Listen, the fit lifestyle isn’t for everyone and Mindy knew she wasn’t winning Most Likely to Instagram #Fitspiration and #WorkoutWednesday and that’s much more important than actually being healthy. This would have been an ideal response to give to my doctor when she suggested I start walking to the train farther from my apt since I haven’t exercised in six months. C’mon, doc.

4. Work it. If it’s one thing Mindy isn’t lacking, it’s confidence and even when you haven’t showered and you’re wearing bulky layers topped off with a pair of sneakers called Fat Steps, you can still own it and compare yourself to Keira Knightley. Plus she knows it can be intimidating to have the brains and the booty. Same, girl…same.

5. A conversation doesn’t count unless there’s a pop culture reference in it. Mindy may have a doc smart brain, but don’t even think about questioning her knowledge of the Kardashians. It’s important to be the one person in your workplace who brings everyone’s coolness factor up a notch or 100 and Mindy does that with her constant TV and pop music references. Plus what’s cooler than a Lil Wayne costume? Nothing.

6. Know how to dress for every occasion. Whether it’s your first time attending mass in a Catholic church or gym chic, every girl should have a go-to outfit for each environment. If we’re being honest I would prefer to sit behind Mindy in her derby hat at church because then I could read a book without anyone seeing. It’s a win-win really, Mindy is always looking out for others with her fashion savvy.

7. Food is not for nourishment, it’s for enjoyment. What makes life worth living? Having a belly full of candy like a piñata. Probably 90% of the show is Mindy stuffing her yapper full of steaks, pastries and washing it down with sour straws and it makes me feel a WHOLE lot better for bringing in a jar of salsa and a full bag of chips to work on a regular basis for a post-lunch snackin.

8. Set goals for yourself. If you want to be successful in life you need to have something to work for. Career goals are fine, but the real stuff is setting the bar for getting your own fan club, duhs.

9. Wine so hard. Sometimes you just gotta let loose and hit the sauce, just make sure that the sauce is wine and it’s sipped in moderation from your bra. (Side note: my birthday’s approaching and the wine bra would be a phenomenal gift.)

10. It’s ok to not have your shit together all the time. For the times when you maybe let the wine flow a little too freely from your 36B and turn into a slob kebab, it’s all going to be just fine. Mindy has had her fair share of suuuuper embarrassing moments and she’s come out on top still, so there’s obviously hope for all of us hot messes who spend their Friday nights watching a Youtube video of a baby that’s afraid of it’s own fart.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/4/15

1. Taylor Swift begins the 1989 tour in Tokyo with 55,000 people and it’s outrageously over the top. Girl’s got a moving stage, thousands of outfit changes, literal flying paper planes and synchronized the stadium via wristbands that light up to the beat of her music. Did we expect anything less? No. Was I still in awe? Yes. I guess this is why tickets were half a month’s rent. Thanks for making me feel like a poor person, Taylor. Keep traveling the world and performing sick beats in your purple shiny ice dancer fit and flare though. Respect.

TAY WITH PAPER PLANES pic.twitter.com/DJyLcA6Sfg

— Taylor Swift Japan (@TSUpdateJPN) May 6, 2015

No but actually I’ve included a collection of her outfits below because I’ve never seen a better collection of crop tops/bodysuits in my whole life. White crop with knee high boots coming in hot at number 1. (Also Tay really knows her audience in the first pic…)

2. The Mindy Project got the ax from Fox. Sad news but I feel like there’s hope in it being revived online or a cable network…or at least this is what I’m telling myself to stay calm. If I don’t have more Morgan Tookers in my life hanging with baby animals like a weirdo I might lose it.

3. Honest Trailer released a Fifty Shades edition this week. It had the word butthole in it, more than once. I think you know how this made the list. If laughing out loud every time I hear the word buhhole is childish then call me Peter Pan because I don’t ever wanna grow up.

4. The Royal Baby was born BUT did you hear Becks is tearin it up on Insta? Charlotte, Shmarlotte…David Beckham got an instagram on his 40th (forty.holy shit.) birthday and clearly he knows what insta’s all about because he immediately posted a selfie from bed. Yum. Since then he’s been crushing it so you should obviously follow him if you want to drool over his hot bod and hot fam. Here’s a sampling to tide you over.

View this post on Instagram

Good morning and hello! It’s great to finally be on Instagram, been a long time coming but I can’t wait to start sharing all my special moments with you. Thank you for all your birthday messages so far. Looking forward to a great day with friends and family x

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 1, 2015 at 10:04pm PDT

View this post on Instagram

I feel a very lucky man #DB40

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 2, 2015 at 2:55am PDT

View this post on Instagram

Someone is trying to make daddy feel pretty today after a heavy night

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 4, 2015 at 3:17am PDT

View this post on Instagram

Thanks to my beautiful wife for such an amazing day x

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 2, 2015 at 2:14pm PDT

5. Stephen Merchant makes me conflicted between laughing or covering my eyes. Obviously creator of Lip Sync Battle is going balls to the wall (I guess literally) so please enjoy his recreation of Xtina and cringe. Also might I add that Talk Dirty NEVER gets old?

Have a weird weekend, playas.

Uncategorized

Nashville- “Is the Better Part Over”

Great news, Nashies, we’ve almost made it through another season! Don’t quite pat yourself on the back yet because we still have one more episode that I can only assume will follow Deacon slowly but surely getting prepped for liver surgery until in the last minute his monitor flat lines. End scene. Guitar riff. Did I just give a spoiler without even knowing what happens? Probably.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though, first we need to discuss Rayna’s big (terrible hair) meltdown about Deacon DYING. Guess she was expecting Beverly to cash that check real quick so when Bev-dawgz mails it back all ripped up Rayna loses her cool in a trippy “I have tunnel vision because Deacon cancer shit is raining from the ceiling” kind of way. She slicks her hair back into a hideous bun and goes home to listen to old records of her and Deacon and drown in her own tears. I can’t tell if she’s crying from Deacon’s imminent almost death or from how terrible their duets are but either way she’s not looking so hot. Deacon finds her and Rayna finally fesses up that she tried to buy Beverly’s liver for a million doll hairs. Deacon and Rayna ugly cry together. Rayna slobbers out that every time she pictures her future, Deacon’s in it. It would be touching except she’s snotting everywhere when she says it.

Speaking of snots, Juliette’s baby is unfortunately still in existence and nothing disappoints her more. She’s on a high from getting her career back and banging her husband a lot but that gnat of a husband keeps reminding her they have a baby and what a BUZZKILL that is. I’d also like to take this time to put Juliette on notice, not for hating her child because that’s understandable…the kid ruined her budding career, but to maybe stop being such an asshole to Rayna. Juliette awards Rayna with a brief meeting where she promises a finished album in two days and gives Rayna a whole lot of sass mouth, referring to her as Your Highness. Hey Juliette, when you have hair like that, you get to be top dog…until then know your place and knock it off.

Later on that night Deacon is set to play the Bluebird until the press finds out he’s dying and ruins it by treating this performance like he’s going to play and then die right onstage. He decides it’s best not to show up and instead throws it to the Exes to take over. The Exes have been offered a record deal from Highway 65 (sound familiar?) and also all they do is bitch at each other THIS ENTIRE EPISODE. It makes for some pretty uncomfy dates in hot Doc and the terrible mom, who clearly can see that these two just need to bang one out and move on with it. They perform a gr8 song as always with Avery watching in the crowd (kind of insensitive, no?) and in the end they decide to sign with Highway 65 and keep their personal lives out of it. Yeah…right. Also not for nothing but has Scarlett’s southern twang gotten worse this season? I’ve found that I can barely listen to her talk without my ears bleeding out. Her accent sounds like the one that I do when I get loopy in the car and sing along to Taylor Swift’s “Our Song” with an exaggerated hick drawl. All in favor of Gunnar and Scarlett only making music and never speaking next season? I.

While everyone is jammin at the Bluebird, Teddy’s deal to not go to jail for life is to be a narc much like his prosty friend. Apparently the way to stay out of jail is just a chain of narcing for the government. Sounds about right. He wears a wire to meet with the senator who Lamar used to do illegal biz with and it turns out the senator blows Tandie in for her involvement. Looks like someone will be coming back from Cali sooner than expected…

Auntie Tandie’s getting a lot of verbal air time this episode as the little tweens Maddie and Daphne are also out visiting her in California, which I’m assuming is a direct result of Maddie getting caught during her little afternoon delight last week.

Will, however, has been indulging in full days of delight on a vacation with his boy toy, which obviously ends in several photogs proving once and for all that he’s not a straight. He also has to face his dad who I’m assuming right away doesn’t like gays due to his rugged cowboy looks and the fact that he tossed Will on the side of the road and told him he wished he was never born. But that’s neither here nor there because Papa Lexington says he’s proud of Will and loves him and Will’s all OK we’re good.

All is not well with Layla, who got replaced by Meghan Trainor on Jade Unicorn Hair’s tour all because she took to twitter at the party, or rather all because little birdy Jeffy went tweet, tweet while she passed out on a bench. Evil Fordham is back in action and I’m gleeful about his return. He tells sharp as a tack Layla that the best way to solve this problem is to have a twitter war with Pinky-Locks and sets out to sabotage her career. He even gets her to sign a contract so that he can’t be fired. Layla the doe eyed Bambi doesn’t even read it before signing and methinks Jeff was expecting that.

After being a special brand of raging bitch all day, Juliette convinces Avery to go out while she watches the spawn. Avery is worried clearly but he shouldn’t be because it’s not like Juliette is going to immediately sling on a pair of noise cancelling headphones and leave their baby to die. Oh wait…INTERVENTION. They all gather to tell Juliette maybe she has a case of the Post Partum I Hate My Baby. Juliette flies off the handle and tells them all that she basically financially supports them so she’s just gonna go ahead and make that album and keep payin the bills and forget about her child whose name she definitely doesn’t know. I think it went well.

After some hardcore wah-wahs, Deacon and Rayna decide to mop up their tears and hit the Bluebird for a duet. Rayna gives a good “Hey Ya’ll” into the mic (nod to Tami Taylor) and that’s just about the only nice thing I can say about this performance. Afterwards, Rayna and Deacon make out and who waltzes on into the Bluebird but Beverly, saying she wants to save Deacon’s life. She hugs Deacon and fixes a real hard set of crazy eyes on Ray Ray. Something tells me Bev has set a price for her liver after all, and it’s the disappearance of Ray Ray.

Music, Playlist

90’s Pop Jamz

It’s been a while since I’ve forced everyone to listen to the best songs of previous decades so here we are again. This time it’s the OBVIOUS pop bangers of the 90’s and early 2000’s focusing on boy bands and girl bands who were the stuff (with the additional bada$$ bitches who were solo.)

1. Bye, Bye, Bye- N*SYNC. I mean obviously this playlist needs to start with the OG of boy bands, the pinnacle, if you will. Though difficult to pick just one N*SYNC classic, this one came with it’s own dance move and therefore has stood the test of time.

2. Oops!…I Did It Again- Britney Spears. Because back then there wasn’t a Justin without a Britney. The best kind of song is one that starts with what sounds like a car attempting and failing to start and has a break in the middle for a quick Broadway play…Aww, you shouldn’t have. No really Brit, you shouldn’t have. Mid-song talkies are the worst. But this song isn’t.

3. MMMBop- Hanson. Three young boys with floor length blonde locks sing a song that we LITERALLY will never know the words to. Seriously, WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY SAYING? Whatever, it’s catchy AF.

4. Waterfalls- TLC. This song is about people dying of AIDS and drug overdoses and stuff, pretty heavy, but if you use a metaphor about bodies of water to describe it, suddenly it’s a fresh song with a little sax thrown in. If you can master the Left Eye (may she rest in peace) rap in this then I absolutely need to be your friend.

5. Back Here- BBMak. It’s unfortunate that these guys came out around the same time as N*SYNC and BSB cause they pretty much didn’t stand a chance. They also had the hairstyles of a punk rock band so that was strike 2. Good news is they know how to write a killer whiny love song.

6. Genie In A Bottle- Christina Aguilera. We’ve seen a lot of Christina’s in our lifetime, Dirrty Xtina wearing assless chaps, retro Christina trying to make the 50’s cool and more recently The Voice Christina trying to be a part of the boys club. It’s important for us not to forget that she got her start being suuuuper innocent singing about getting rubbed the right way. Get it, girl!

7. When The Lights Go Out- 5ive. Damn this boy band had a little FLAVA. And I’m not just talking about how clever it was that they literally used the number 5 in their band name. I’m referring to the swagger they had in this song. SECOND VERSE, GIRL-The rapping is on point. They’re bragging about their bedroom skills and I for one couldn’t wait for them to show me what it’s all about. Not so much after this picture though…

8. No More (Baby I’ma Do Right)- 3LW. If you don’t listen to this song and immediately burst out laughing to “broken promithes, promithes” you don’t like fun things. 3LW may have had a little street cred as a girl band and telling off their deadbeat men, but THAT LISP. Also they really drive the point home in this song by repeating every word, just in case. Fun fact: I saw them open for N*SYNC and they came out in janitor jumpsuits and stripped them off mid song while dancing and it was suuuupes impressive. It obviously didn’t take a lot for me to be dazzled at that age.

9. Give Me Just One Night- 98 Degrees. We’re going to sweep it under the rug that 98 degrees tried to make a comeback with a song about blowies and really relish the good ole days where all they needed was one night (one night) with a girl. Not for nothing but this song was educational in teaching me my first Spanish words.

10. Wannabe- Spice Girls. The Spice Girls created the girl group and also taught us about Brits. I used to reenact scenes from the Spice Girl movie during recess, unfortunately everyone’s favorite was Baby and BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH BROWN HAIR I had to be Posh or Sporty. Both options suck and so did my British accent but I digress. Here’s another song where I have heard it 1000 times and still don’t know what they’re saying, but I certainly know that Bevin, Peyton Brooke and Haley did a choreographed dance to it on the roof of a house party. PS Scary Spice’s cackle is EXACTLY how she got her name.

11. The Animal Song- Savage Garden. Let’s slow it down now with two baby faces with the falsetto of angels. This song is about how they wish they were animals because then they could run around all carefree. Don’t we all wish that, Savage Garden, don’t we all. Anyway their CD (I’m pretty sure they only have one?) is the best crying soundtrack you could ever ask for. Trust me. Plus: pwetty boys.

12. S Club Party- S Club 7. Again, here we are with another classssic British band that taught me new things. For example, I learned that hoochie mamas show their nana’s at any good party. For the record, if their show was still on the air I would still be watching it because it was the shit. Unfortunately S Club 7 pretty much fell off the wagon and tried to do a comeback recently that was quite a scene. Jo no longer has the flow, let’s just say that.

13. Summergirls- LFO. LFO was the badass version of boy bands. They mused nonsense about Scooby snacks and Chinese food and we were like yes, please, Rich.

14. Candy- Mandy Moore. Again, might be hard to recall a time when Mandy was REAL blonde and singing about craving a boy like she craves candy. Suuuch a stupid song but doesn’t make it any less catchy. Love always, Mandy.

15. Liquid Dreams- O-Town. The original Making the Band kicked off reality TV AND gave us a song about wet dreams. Could we really ask for more? It concerns me to report that my sister and I spent a whole summer day on my back deck choregraphing a dance to this song and not once did my mom say hey maybe stop shimmying to a song about boner jams. It was a great dance though.

16. C’est La Vie- B*Witched. It’s pretty much a rule at this point that if you have an asterick in your band name your cool factor is top notch. These chicks are also suuuupes Irish, which pushes their cool factor through the roof. You don’t get too many pop songs that you could literally do an irish jig in the middle to some bag pipes and that’s what makes this song gr8. Plus it starts with “Some people say I look like me dad”…which doesn’t even make sense.

17. Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)- Aaron Carter. I refuse to ever make a 90’s pop playlist without my gangsta AC. Kid was like 4 ft. tall wearing oversized FUBU with white Nikes and apparently knew how to threw a kiiiickin party while his parents catch a matinee. The different characters in this song, the way he’s talking to the honey’s and breakin it down on the living room dance floor instead of being a good host, and his dad grounding him at the end…what a whirlwind of emotions in one song. Was it the party of the month? No. It was the party of the year.

18. He Loves U Not- Dream. Although I’m pretty sure I never knew anyone’s individual names in Dream, I know that I loved them. They were super sassy. I had(have) their CD and one of their songs was literally them just telling off a guy named Jordan for trying to date them all at once and thinking they wouldn’t find out. THEY FOUND OUT, JORDAN. I made my very first music video (camcorder style) to this song and it was award-winning if I do say so myself. It was supposed to be a dream sequence (get it?) then during the instrumentals we ran around and pulled the letters “D-R-E-A-M” off the wall to show we were going back to real life. Whoa. Copywritten so don’t even try to rip me off, guys.

Signature Pink Coordinates ❤

19. The Hardest Part of Breaking Up- 2Gether. These clowns were supposed to be a parody of a boy band but their mockery went over our tween idiot heads and we loved them anyway. Also they had a balding 40 year old in the group, casj. AND they rapped about math. WHAT a breakup jam this is though. These bros could get DOWN and they also would like their cat back pls.

20. I Want It That Way- Backstreet Boys. It seemed like the right thing to do to bookend this playlist with the two rivals and most popular boy bands of the 90’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I was 1000% team N*SYNC, but that never clouded my appreciation for what BSB was doing. Unfortunately a lot of the teens at this time did let it cloud their vision. My dad’s favorite thing to do (his only entertainment really) when he took us to an N*SYNC concert was to ask tweens if this was the BSB concert and just watch their dramats reactions. I would imagine it’s close to going to a 1D concert today and announcing that you can’t wait to see 5 Seconds of Summer? (1D still a touchy subject?) I don’t know. Either way this song gives me all the feels, and I DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAYYYY it doesn’t.

Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet

Since this ball is honoring costumes, it’s known to have some out there fashion statements. This year’s theme was China: Through the Looking Glass, which left a whole lot of room for accidental racism. I’d like to applaud Hollywood for toeing that line quite nicely and avoiding any large scandal. Although no one showed up in a kimono with chopsticks in their hair, I would like to find out how one gets an invite to this event because judging by the MTV crowd, I’m convinced if I rolled up in a floral ball gown I would’ve been let in no questions asked. Anyway, here’s the looks that made me want to puke everywhere, accompanied by the ones that made me drool.

Worst:

This is actually really tame for GaGa. Still hate it though..basically a moomoo with feathers.

Ms. Katy Perry ditching her infamous cheeto themed outfits for an emo/graffiti theme.

http://www.barf.com/always …sweet blue hair.

FKA Twigs is somewhat wearing a human…or maybe just their arms/legs? I don’t know. I’m uncomfy.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen JLo look old. Also this dress is Mushu from Mulan sewed onto a body. How dare you treat Mushu like that.

Hey have you guys ever seen Kim K’s lady bits? This is a really bold look for her because she’s always so modest and covered. What a risk taker.

Belle has arrived and apparently slayed the beast and dyed his fur yellow for her ensemble tonight.

Wax. Figure.

This dress belongs on the cover of Seventeen Magazine.

Not into the color or the shoulder cutout, or the way Emma Roberts looks like she wants to murder a village.

The cupcake poof makes Alicia look like she’s 1000 lbs and we know she’s not because she’s croppin so hard. Not flattering.

I know it’s like sacrilegious to put SJP on the worst dressed but guess what, I’m doing it. That headdress is stupid.

Little House on the Yellow River

Damnit guys, you used to be cute as shit. Why does it look like you’re 100 now and 2/3 of the Sanderson sisters? Pretty BA to completely ignore the theme though.

Dakota looks like she picked this up at Deb and is going to hit the clubs tonight. Read the red carpet, Dakota. Not the event for this kind of mini.

Not in love with this pattern, Cher. Hair on fleek though for someone over 60 that’s impressive.

Chloe borrowed Kristin’s black choker from Laguna Beach.

Again, how was this punk invited?

hailee-steinfeld

Bleh.

Ummm…maybe use the tassels awkwardly hanging down your leg to tie that wide open jacket closed.

What an unfortunate area to have what looks like blood stains on your dress. Jus sayin.

Kewl fake tats.

Closest we got to an actual kimono.

This dress looks like a pinterest project.

Best:

Hated this so hard when I first saw it. The more that I stare at it though, I respect it. There’s only one way to come back after almost murdering your brother in law in an elevator at last year’s Met Ball, and that’s obviously to wear something like this. Fist bump, Solange.

Andy looking dapper AF.

Usher looks like he legitimately has a foot injury but I’m gonna credit the pimp cane to part of this look anyway. Smooth.

Always a stylish couple, Diane is crushing the bodysuit.

Not many men to look at so Ansel made the cut for looking adorbs.

I want to hate Amal so bad because she’s so above Hollywood and smart or something but she looks gr8.

This is a flattering style on her, I could do without pelicans flying across the dress.

I dig this color on Keri, wish her hair was down.

This is so asshole that I love it. Anne Hathaway is hated on so much and she’s like guess what I’m going to roll through with my shiny gold hood up. H8ers gonna H8.

Elizabeth Banks looks great in this color–wish her hair wasn’t pompadour city.

Good color, good lip.

Selena putting the goods on display for Matador Biebs.

The only purple dress I saw and it’s on point.

Taking a quote from the drunk bros who complimented my derby hat on Saturday, this dress is “elegant AF”

Classy and modest for Gabrielle Union.

Dumb hair, pwetty gown.

Don’t know who this is, digging up on the texture and style of this dress.

Dayumn, Cookie.

Classic white and red lippin.

Crop coordinate game strong.

And the winner of best looking reality star goes to Kendall. Take notes Kris & Kimmy. Bow down to the model of the fam.

Do you think Jeets is into sharing? Hannah Davis looks like a smooookeeeeshowwww.

Punk Rock Claire Danes. Get itttt.

I’m a big sucker for pop of color shoes.

I don’t necessarily love this dress but Allison Williams always looks like a beaut.

SLAAAYYYY QUEEN. THAT PONYTAIL.

Always crushing the red carpet Chrissy didn’t disappoint in a backless black gown.

Mark this day down in history as the first time Lorde has made one of my best dressed lists. She even looks angelic. Who is this person.

Uma threw me for a loop in this dress. Looking fit and fab right down to the earrings.

Classic look for Carey Mulligan.

Most beautiful person alive, no biggie. Ties with Hannah Davis for girl crush of the night.

Karlie came without her twin but still looks fab.

This is hands down the best Zendaya has ever looked on a red carpet.

The septum piercing is real intimidating but this dress is supes cool.

Not as ballsy as Little Gold Ridinghood Anne but still stellar gold.

Ya girl Reese is literally timeless.

Woofiest Look of the Night:

Not only is this outfit atrocious but Chloe knows it is because her red carpet face looks like she just smelled a fart.

Favorite Look of the Night:

J.Law doing the damn thing with the top bun and floral crop she’s looking fresh to death and my fave of the night.

Pop Culture

Puppies & Babies to Cure the Monday Blues

You know what everyone in the world thinks are cute and cuddly? Puppies. You know what most* of the world thinks are cute until they cry? Babies. Put these two togets and you’ve got an overload of adorbsies. Get through your Monday with a case of the warm and fuzzies after looking at the best baby/puppy cuddling combo deals I’ve ever seen.

*FTR: I still fall into the not baby-loving category. I only accept pictures or videos of infants if they are accompanied by a pup.

This is how this baby was bathed for it’s first few weeks. Obv.

This baby should be loving these puppy kisses a WHOLE lot more. Get it together!

This pup was kind enough to share his bed as long as he got to be little spoon.

The best kind of chair for TV watchin.

Nothin to see here folks, just a little shnout to shnout nap.

Don’t even try messing with this clique.

Sometimes you just need an arm rest while catching your Saturday AM cartoons.

This dog has the most patience in the world.

THEY’RE THE SAME SIZE.

Girl’s just trying to let him know he should lay off the snausages unless he starts flossing.

CUTENESS OVERLOAD.

And the grand finale…

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/27/15

1. Lifetime is making a Full House unauthorized movie. Lifetime just could NOT allow Full House to be snagging up that spotlight without a little scandal so they decided to cash in on it real quick. Obviously their Saved by the Bell unauthorized movie was sooo spot on:

So it will be interesting to see how they butcher this one as well. In other Fuller House scandal news, after the Olsens pretended they were never invited to partake in the reboot, Uncle J cleared it up with MK and now s’all good.

Had a sweet talk with M.K today!! There way more important things going in the wold today. #Family

— John Stamos (@JohnStamos) April 29, 2015

2. Biebs joins in on Zoolander sequel. Ugh. Biebz literally sucks the fun out of all joyous things.

3. Amy Schumer crushes life. A lot of Amy’s sketches from the new season of Inside Amy Schumer have been passed around lately, here’s one from this week where she mocks a 1D song about being beautiful while also pointing out the fact that women look like trolls without makeup. Although I wish she also mocked the big pizzazz every time a celeb goes makeup free and we all bow down even though they’re clearly wearing mascara and eyeliner…but I digress.

4. Todrick Hall is winning YouTube this week. With his 90’s Hip Hop/Disney mashup AND tribute to Queen B in 4 minutes, this guy is crushing it.

5. Zac Efron. Sup? Zac is filming a new movie this week where apparently his abs will be getting a credit for supporting role. I don’t hate it.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Time Changes Things”

Well last week the storm had just begun, and if this week’s episode was supposed to be a shit storm it did not deliver. We had a few O-M-GEE moments and a whole lot of Deacon flashbacks but otherwise I would like to tell Nashville to amp it up right quick. Let’s talk shockers first then scuffle on about the stupid shit afterwards.

Kiley-the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mom has made a triumphant return for that whiny ass kid of hers.Since she completely missed Gunnar’s you are NOT the father moment, she still thinks Micah is in Nashville. Gunnar’s all hey guess what you’re the worst person to ever live and I never want to see you again but then when he comes home several hours later she’s still hangin. Turns out Gunnar’s skeezy bro Jason actually raped Kiley at a party then comes baby in the baby carriage. BOOM. Plot twist. Due to this new and unfortunate news, Gunnar takes Kiley under his wing because he lives to cater to broken birds, Kiley sees this as a possible opening for a rekindling of their love, then she calls her son and he promptly hangs up on her. HA-HA betch. Future Plans:Kiley gets after Gunnar’s D. Possible fam reunion?

Deacon walks in on Maddie and Colt doin tha na$ty in their Catholic school uniforms like a couple of teenage freeeaks. Maddie immediately turns on the waterworks and says it’s not what it looks like (a porno) and Colt quickly narcs that Maddie didn’t even want to, so it’s not her fault. Jeez, Colt, do the waistband tuck and cut your losses instead of ratting out your fifteen year old girlfriend for not wanting to put out right away. Maddie gets a country star-to-aspiring country star S-E-X chat later from Juliette who tells her if/when she does let Colt penetrate her, she hopes it’s for the right reasons. Maddie’s all you’re going to be such a great mom, Julez and Juliette gets a blank stare on her face as she remembers that she has a kid and panics. After Deacon has shaken out all of the awksies, he tells Maddie he’s just glad he’s ALIVE to have this moment with her, but he’s still totes telling Rayna that her daughter was caught slooting it up. Over in boy world, Luke’s sex chat with Colt is more like son, we all make mistakes *claps Colt on the back*.Future plans: These two will have sex and judging by what a cocky lil SOB Colt is, it will be terrible.

Rayna sneaks on over to East Buhhole, America to pay a visit to Beverly and snatch up that healthy liver of hers.What we don’t get is a compliant, loving Beverly…what we get instead is a whole slew of flashbacks on a very Fonz-esque Deacon with a slicked back swoop hairstyle and a hideous joutfit getting his start in Nashville with Bev at his side. Not only did they cake makeup on Deacon to make him not look like he’s in his 40’s…they also brought back ugly hair Rayna and I had to shield my eyes from that atrocity of curls. Someone also called her Ray-Ray, so there’s that. Apparently there was a point to these flashbacks other than to show us how much more attractive these two are now that they’re famous and rich and that is to teach us how Beverly thought she was going to be bigger than Rayna James until Ray-Ray sashayed in and stole her bro. Unfortunately, instead of becoming the #1 country star, Bev became waitress by day, piano bar singer by night. She gives Rayna some real bitch eyes as she wails airport lounge music then basically tells Rayna she can go to hell for stealing her career. The shocker comes when Rayna finally remembers she’s dealing with a crazy person and hands Bev a check for a cool milli hoping it will change her mind. What a Bo$$ Ray Ray is, buying her lover’s liver. Future plans: With Bev’s heart of gold she’ll turn it down and do the transplant because Deacon is family. NAHHHTT. She’ll take that money and PEACE.

Our little prostitute tattletale calls Teddy to inform him that she’s still cruising around Nashville a free woman and to turn this show into a horror movie by saying “They’re coming for you, Teddy.” Ok, girl. Let’s T it down with the dramats. Teddy snaps up his passport faster than you can say political scandal and starts packing his bags. His final goodbye to his girls before he hauls ass outta Nashville? Expensive necklaces from Tiffany’s to show how much he loves them. What a heartfelt guy. Right before he’s headed out, the US Attorney shows up to tell Teddy that he’ll drop all investigation and charges in exchange for a favor. BUT WHAT IS THE FAVOR? Cliffhanger, we’ll find out next week. Future Plans:Gonna go ahead and assume more illegal stuff. Cause that’s how Teddy rolls now.

Now onto less shocking things…Scarlett and her doc lover whose expiration date is the end of this season if not sooner kiss a whole lot and it’s super forced and obnoxious. Also Scarlett and Gunnar have another sexual tension fight. Deacon tells Juliette that he’s dying…is he gonna run out of people to tell soon? This repeated scene each week is getting EXHAUSTING. Layla and Fordham fight a whole lot because Layla has turned into a fame slut and Fordham is beginning to realize he hitched his wagon to this monster.

And finally our days with Jade St. John the hair unicorn are over, boo-hoo. In her final moments she goes from pink AND black hair to full-on magenta within hours…this chick is so versatile. It’s gonna be hard to let her go. Luke is visiting her mansion in LA as she prepares to throw a party with an inconvenient amount of bubbles in the air. They make out and talk about their favorite rom coms in front of a green screen of a tasteful ocean background. At her party later where Nashville doesn’t beat around the bush directly taking jabs at how stupid LA is, Jade pretends her house is like Vegas and doesn’t allow social media posts. But how will we know what the cool people are doing? Luke sees that Jade is wearing a literal palm tree on her body and is disgusted so he breaks up with her cause he’s just a cowboy from Kentucky, ya’ll. Layla shows up accentuating her puffy bangs (not in a good way) then has a dance floor BOMO with a celeb she was fangirling over. Fordham’s on suicide watch and finally has had enough when he tweets out a picture of slob kebab Layla and tags Jade in it like a baby bitch scorned lover.

Finally: BAMF moment of the night goes to Ms. Juliette Barnes over the top divalicious comeback. She demands roof access and a helicopter and then puts on one hell of a show while looking like a smoke in her sparkly mini and serenading Nashville with a fresh number. She gets all high on the juice from doing an illegal concert and goes for a little steamy elevator hookup with Avery. They get home to penetrate and obviously the baby starts crying during foreplay. Womp wompppp. Hide the knives.

Pop Culture

An Ode To Blake Lively

Everyone who knows me knows that I’ve had a massive crush on Blake Lively ever since she was Bridget in Sisterhood. She just popped out a baby recently and in promoting her new movie Age of Adaline, was working the press circuit the past couple of weeks. To say she was killing it, fashion-wise is an understatement. I was surfing through her recent looks and had to mop up the drool from my keyboard. Since I’m somewhat of a fashion expert (because I judge red carpets) I decided to rank Blake’s press outfits from worst to best, woman crush Wednesday style.