Great news, Nashies, we’ve almost made it through another season! Don’t quite pat yourself on the back yet because we still have one more episode that I can only assume will follow Deacon slowly but surely getting prepped for liver surgery until in the last minute his monitor flat lines. End scene. Guitar riff. Did I just give a spoiler without even knowing what happens? Probably.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though, first we need to discuss Rayna’s big (terrible hair) meltdown about Deacon DYING. Guess she was expecting Beverly to cash that check real quick so when Bev-dawgz mails it back all ripped up Rayna loses her cool in a trippy “I have tunnel vision because Deacon cancer shit is raining from the ceiling” kind of way. She slicks her hair back into a hideous bun and goes home to listen to old records of her and Deacon and drown in her own tears. I can’t tell if she’s crying from Deacon’s imminent almost death or from how terrible their duets are but either way she’s not looking so hot. Deacon finds her and Rayna finally fesses up that she tried to buy Beverly’s liver for a million doll hairs. Deacon and Rayna ugly cry together. Rayna slobbers out that every time she pictures her future, Deacon’s in it. It would be touching except she’s snotting everywhere when she says it.
Speaking of snots, Juliette’s baby is unfortunately still in existence and nothing disappoints her more. She’s on a high from getting her career back and banging her husband a lot but that gnat of a husband keeps reminding her they have a baby and what a BUZZKILL that is. I’d also like to take this time to put Juliette on notice, not for hating her child because that’s understandable…the kid ruined her budding career, but to maybe stop being such an asshole to Rayna. Juliette awards Rayna with a brief meeting where she promises a finished album in two days and gives Rayna a whole lot of sass mouth, referring to her as Your Highness. Hey Juliette, when you have hair like that, you get to be top dog…until then know your place and knock it off.
Later on that night Deacon is set to play the Bluebird until the press finds out he’s dying and ruins it by treating this performance like he’s going to play and then die right onstage. He decides it’s best not to show up and instead throws it to the Exes to take over. The Exes have been offered a record deal from Highway 65 (sound familiar?) and also all they do is bitch at each other THIS ENTIRE EPISODE. It makes for some pretty uncomfy dates in hot Doc and the terrible mom, who clearly can see that these two just need to bang one out and move on with it. They perform a gr8 song as always with Avery watching in the crowd (kind of insensitive, no?) and in the end they decide to sign with Highway 65 and keep their personal lives out of it. Yeah…right. Also not for nothing but has Scarlett’s southern twang gotten worse this season? I’ve found that I can barely listen to her talk without my ears bleeding out. Her accent sounds like the one that I do when I get loopy in the car and sing along to Taylor Swift’s “Our Song” with an exaggerated hick drawl. All in favor of Gunnar and Scarlett only making music and never speaking next season? I.
While everyone is jammin at the Bluebird, Teddy’s deal to not go to jail for life is to be a narc much like his prosty friend. Apparently the way to stay out of jail is just a chain of narcing for the government. Sounds about right. He wears a wire to meet with the senator who Lamar used to do illegal biz with and it turns out the senator blows Tandie in for her involvement. Looks like someone will be coming back from Cali sooner than expected…
Auntie Tandie’s getting a lot of verbal air time this episode as the little tweens Maddie and Daphne are also out visiting her in California, which I’m assuming is a direct result of Maddie getting caught during her little afternoon delight last week.
Will, however, has been indulging in full days of delight on a vacation with his boy toy, which obviously ends in several photogs proving once and for all that he’s not a straight. He also has to face his dad who I’m assuming right away doesn’t like gays due to his rugged cowboy looks and the fact that he tossed Will on the side of the road and told him he wished he was never born. But that’s neither here nor there because Papa Lexington says he’s proud of Will and loves him and Will’s all OK we’re good.
All is not well with Layla, who got replaced by Meghan Trainor on Jade Unicorn Hair’s tour all because she took to twitter at the party, or rather all because little birdy Jeffy went tweet, tweet while she passed out on a bench. Evil Fordham is back in action and I’m gleeful about his return. He tells sharp as a tack Layla that the best way to solve this problem is to have a twitter war with Pinky-Locks and sets out to sabotage her career. He even gets her to sign a contract so that he can’t be fired. Layla the doe eyed Bambi doesn’t even read it before signing and methinks Jeff was expecting that.
After being a special brand of raging bitch all day, Juliette convinces Avery to go out while she watches the spawn. Avery is worried clearly but he shouldn’t be because it’s not like Juliette is going to immediately sling on a pair of noise cancelling headphones and leave their baby to die. Oh wait…INTERVENTION. They all gather to tell Juliette maybe she has a case of the Post Partum I Hate My Baby. Juliette flies off the handle and tells them all that she basically financially supports them so she’s just gonna go ahead and make that album and keep payin the bills and forget about her child whose name she definitely doesn’t know. I think it went well.
After some hardcore wah-wahs, Deacon and Rayna decide to mop up their tears and hit the Bluebird for a duet. Rayna gives a good “Hey Ya’ll” into the mic (nod to Tami Taylor) and that’s just about the only nice thing I can say about this performance. Afterwards, Rayna and Deacon make out and who waltzes on into the Bluebird but Beverly, saying she wants to save Deacon’s life. She hugs Deacon and fixes a real hard set of crazy eyes on Ray Ray. Something tells me Bev has set a price for her liver after all, and it’s the disappearance of Ray Ray.