Author Archives: Thesaltyju

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/14/15

HEAVY video week. Hope you have headphones at work 🙂

1. Fuller House Sets the date!

After teasing at this show for months and months salivating over what characters would come back and where to set our expectations…we finally have a short trailer and release date. Look, I went into this reallllll nervous with PTSD flashbacks to the Boy Meets World-Girl Meets World transition. But Netflix knew that. And so they tugged right at my heart strings with the Miranda Lambert song and flashes of the iconic house. There’s even a Comet 2.0. Now I’m amped. February 26th can’t come soon enough. (If you want to get even more excited, check out my blog about what characters NEED to come back HERE.)

2. 1D Gives us 1LastGift. 

Before going on hiatus for (ever?) a while… 1D gives us the gift that keeps on giving here. Everyone who reads my blog knows that James Corden could do carpool karaoke with a rock and it would be my favorite thing ever made. Obviously he’s been trying to squeeze his way into the band for some time now and this was no different. Props for his rap segment. Also sucks to suck for the double L sandwich in the backseat. With the amount of greasy hair flipping that Harry did in addition to wailing every high note I’m gonna guess it’s not gr8 to be roadtrip buddies with him. Harry rides bitch like nobody else. Ain’t nobody gonna stop him from shining.

3. Jason Derulo is Magic Mike.

I know that music videos aren’t that hip anymore and not a lot of people like watching them but if you don’t watch 30 seconds of this and walk away impressed by Jason’s dance swag then we can’t be friends. I saw him live this summer (fo free, yasss) and he put on a SHOW. He didn’t stop moving the entire concert and it was beyond impressive. It didn’t hurt that he took his shirt off and flaunted those washboard abs either but whatevs. That’s why he’s Magic Mike IRL. I can always appreciate a fresh dancer because my moves begin and end with a side step and a head bop.

4. Will Ferrell as New Santa.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Fallon clip on the JUice and it seemed right this week. Will Ferrell is constantly popping up on the show in weird costumes and doing random bits but this one made me giggle a little. As a “modern” santa (that gives off Guy Fieri vibes), Will talks about his love of Smashmouth while he fires off a t-shirt gun. Oh Santa, you’re such a bruh.

5. WOOK AT DA WITTLE BABIES.

A normal Friday Night Lights throwback pic is the best of the best. An FNL throwback pic where Riggins is wearing a silk shirt haphazardly buttoned? Game changer.

BONUS: Merry Christmas from the most beautiful Royals ever to exist.

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 Have a nice weekend. Something, something, May The Force Be With You…

JK go see Sisters this weekend.

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Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2015 Edition

It’s the most WONDERFUL time of the year. Where I watch B2B cheesetastic holiday movies and visions of going home for Christmas, flirting with my high school crush, having my high school crush tell me home is where I belong (while ice skating and falling in love), and then being married to him by New Years dance in my head. HEY if Hallmark says it’s going to happen…it’s GOING TO HAPPEN. This year’s guide is a continuation of last year’s, updated to include a fresh set of flicks for judging. Read up and navigate your way through TV movie magic this season.

 

WATCH:

Tis The Season For Love- Hallmark, 2015

Tis The Season For Love Final Photo Assets

Plot: Beth is one of those gals who left her hometown and high school sweetheart in the dust to pursue acting in NYC. Except when she comes home for Christmas and starts hanging out with her high school squad again she realizes that maybe it was a little hasty to take a dump on small town life when she can’t get an acting job for shit in NYC. Her ex boyfriend is married with a kid and SUPER queer (they’re still buds though) and her ex boyfriend’s BFF Dean sets his eyes on Beth now that they’re all grown up and reunited. It wouldn’t be a Christmas movie without a little magic of course, so the town Santa gives Beth the key to all her answers. A literal key that he bought at a thrift shop.

Bonus Points: The very cliché exchange of a guy and a girl making plans to hang out and the girl going “it’s a date! Well…not a date..err…uh..” I thrive on awkward sexual tension. Also Dean admitting that he ALWAYS had a crush on Beth in high school, of course.

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Naughty & Nice- Up Network, 2014

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Plot: Sandra has a radio show in Colorado a lot like Delilah but with less of a soothing voice. Pepper has a radio show a lot like porn but then gets suspended and recruited to co-host with Sandra for the time being. Obviously they hate each other because Pepper is disgusting and crass and Sandra likes to spend her free time helping middle schoolers find Christmas love. In like five minutes time their hate for each other has turned into the desire to bang and with a timely mistletoe peck their show becomes must-listen radio. Pepper’s all pervy and suggestive while Sandy scolds him like a mom. Lawlz, these two. Everything’s dandy until Pepper gets his old job back in LA and has to decide if it’s all about the Benjamins or all about the Luuuuv.

Bonus Points: A supes cringeworthy beach trip in LA where Pepper wears a black wifebeater and they make a sand snowman. I laugh out loud every time I see it. I laugh even harder when they long for each other, look at pics of that beach day and cry.

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Once Upon a Holiday- Hallmark, 2015

onceuponaholiday

Plot: Princess Katherine (from a small fictional country) is on a trip to NYC around Christmas and sad that she has no freedom to do what she wants so she sneaks away to wander around the city like a homeless person. Katie promptly gets robbed (yet is not even a little sad that they stole a vintage camera gifted from her now dead mother) and a handsome stranger named Jack tries to help her out—as strangers do in NYC. While she’s on the LAM, she spends her time with Jack in an abandoned apartment that’s under construction—has this bitch ever seen SVU?—meets his family and casj never reveals her true identity. What allows me to forgive this absolutely ridiculous plot that would never fly today with the media and everyone’s attachment to cellphones is the fact that the actress Brianna Evignan has the best kind of Brooke Davis raspy voice and I immediately am mesmerized when she speaks. The guy’s cute too but like a dream raspy voice is what sold me.

Bonus Points: On their first “date” (once they’ve learned each other’s names), Jack gets Katie street meat with the works and tells her to “just get in there.” That’s my kinda dream date right thurr.

onceuponsmooch

 

Best Christmas Party Ever- Hallmark, 2014

bestchristmaspartyever

Plot: Jenny is a tightwad party planner and Nick has returned to learn the family biz so he’s prepared to take over for his aunt when she retires. Nick has a little time on his hands because he can’t land an acting gig in Hollywood but he’s charming AF and has jokes for days so obviously he irritates Jenny, who couldn’t tell a funny if her life depended on it. She dates a stuffy jerk from a corporation while Nick has a model girlfriend. Do you think that while planning the big Christmas party these two might realize that annoying the shit out of each other actually means they’re in L-O-V-E? I mean how could she not…this boy would make a nun swoon.

Bonus Points: Jenny’s lamewad “boyfriend” Todd fires her because she won’t agree to throw his company a sleazy Christmas party full of bitches and Ferarris. ALSO When Nick asks Jenny why she’s single she says “no one will ever live up to my dad who died two years ago.” Boner Kill.

 

A Christmas Kiss II- Ion, 2014

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I will go so far as to say this was one of my favorite holiday movies I’ve seen in the past five years, and as you can see…I watch a lot of them. Also, the movie is sponsored by Kay Jewelers so you might guess how it ends.

Plot: Jenna—a former Clean Teen for all you OTH fans—ditched her previously moral values to mack it up with a stranger under the mistletoe in an elevator at work (while dressed like a slutty Santa for a modeling gig.) Turns out that stranger is Cooper, her boss’s brother and a real big whore. Right away I was all for this movie. It was like five minutes in and we had an elevator slobber fest like it was a steamy scene from a romance novel. You know how long it takes for Hallmark characters to kiss? An entire movie. And it’s usually no tonguesies. Anyway…Jenna tries to avoid Cooper’s advances because he’s a playboy and she doesn’t want her heart broken. She also has a hot neighbor whose hair looks sexy pushed back, for extra eye candy in this flick, if you catch my drift. Only time, and a bunch of sloppy elevator kisses will tell if Jenna learns to listen to her vagina.

Bonus Points: There are a lot. Cooper is shirtless for 90% of this movie gratuitiously. He also snakes a copy of one of her sexy Santa pics that he keeps with him at all times should the mood for a solo session arise. Cooper has a crazy bitch ex-girlfriend who comes over and takes kissy selfies with him while he’s unconscious…date rape-question mark.
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SKIP:

Christmas Inc.- Hallmark, 2015

Christmas Incorporated Final Photo Assets

Plot: Will takes over his dad’s supes successful company at like 25 or something and Riley snags a job as his assistant accidentally through another Riley’s resume with more experience. She keeps that info on the DL in order to prove herself but obviously it’s revealed after Will has become obsessed with her and it’s like the betrayal of the century, or something. No really, Will CANNOT get over that she got the job on false pretenses even though she singlehandedly saved a factory. To top it all off, Riley’s hair looks like it has a ponytail crease in it the whole movie, and I wish someone in wardrobe noticed and got her a new curling wand for Christmas instead of a rich, hot boyfriend.

WORST: Will makes Riley dinner one night and woos her by saying she reminds him of his grandmother. Cringez 4 dayz. At least her response is on point with, “Every girl is dying to hear she reminds a guy of his grandmother.”

When Riley Vance is hired after a case of mistaken identity, she keeps the truth a secret so she can help her boss William Young save a town at risk of losing their main livelihood just before Christmas even as she gets closer to William. Photo: Steve Lund, Shenae Grimes-Beech Credit: Copyright 2015 Crown Media United States, LLC/Photographer: Ben Mark Holzberg

 

Merry Kissmas- Ion, 2015

MerryKissmas

Fun fact: This is a linked movie with the aforementioned Christmas Kiss II. Basically Ion makes a version of the same movie every year, because every kiss begins with Kay, obviously.

Plot: I was keeping my fingers crossed for a Jenna and Cooper cameo in this one but it never happened. Instead it was the most boring and confusing movie ever. Kayla is engaged to a white Carlton who is kind of famous in that he directs the Nutcracker or something. Then she macks it up with the caterer for her engagement party in the magic mistletoe elevator and just casually doesn’t tell him she’s engaged. Then the engagement ends? Maybe? I’m not really sure because Carlton remains relevant for the rest of the movie and I hated it a lot. So basically Kayla is dating Dustin the caterer but still lives with Carlton and acts like his fiancé. It’s really weird. For such a banger of a holiday movie name this one really sucked.

WORST: Kayla throws out a lot of closed mouth smiles. There’s an irrelevant store owner with a shit accent at the beginning of the movie who randomly chases Kayla for like 5 miles. Kayla SOOKS at breaking up with people—the best is when she storms off to give Carlton a piece of her mind and ends up telling him he’s amazing a bunch of times.

carlton

 

12 Gifts of Christmas- Hallmark, 2015

12gifts

Plot: Anna is a personal shopper for Marc who works 24/7 and never kicks it with his family. He doesn’t even know what to get them for Christmas so he hired someone to figure it out for him. Hey Marc, a bottle of liquor or a nice picture frame will do. Be smarter. Obviously Anna brings out the Christmas spirit in Marc, getting him to work less and spend more time with his family.

WORST: Christmas music shopping montage with trying on goofy hats. Too many kid interactions for my liking, lots of nieces and nephews in the mix. On their first date Anna asks, “Do I look OK?” And he responds, “I’m not sure. You’re missing this…” and gives her a gold necklace with an art easel because she likes painting. UGH SO TACKY.

A Christmas Detour- Hallmark, 2015

christmasdetour

Plot: Paige is a twat wedding magazine writer planning a suuuuuper bougie wedding to her perfect fiancé. She’s on her way to their first Christmas with the in-laws when her flight is detoured in Buffalo and she’s stuck driving to NYC in a snowstorm with Dylan, the hottie who sat next to her on the plane. Overall I’d say this movie blows because Paige is insufferable. She carries her wedding vision board every time she changes rooms, wah wahs to strangers about her wedding and has a diary with a checklist for her perfect guy. Apparently her fiancé doesn’t make her laugh but this guy Dylan does so like it’s true loooooove.

WORST: There’s a sideline story about a married couple that was trying way too hard to upstage the main characters. Oh, boohoo you’ve been married 20 years and you’ve lost the spark. Maybz try spending time alone with each other instead of acting like you’re BFF’s with a bunch of airport strangers. Just a thought. christmasdetourextracouple

Christmas Belle- Ion, 2013

christmasbelle

I feel like it’s my civic duty to make sure that no one ever watches this abomination that is somehow called a movie.

Plot: A ratchet Christmas rip-off of Beauty and the Beast. Belle is hired to come manage an estate sale for this rich guy Hunter’s dad. Hunter is a real jackass and basically just yells at her all the time, mostly for being in the greenroom, where she absolutely SHOULD NOT BE rearranging his plants. She somehow falls in love with this ogre who is not a beast at all—in fact he regularly shows off his pecs…probably why she’s willing to overlook his butthole personality.

WORST: A soundtrack of creepy music plays throughout this entire movie. Whether the characters are speaking or not, there is irrelevant and quite distracting background music. It makes me want to throw things at the TV.

The Christmas Parade- Hallmark, 2014

THE CHRISTMAS PARADE – A popular network morning host finds herself humiliated on the air by her fiancé and disappears to a small town. While there, she helps a budding artist save a community art center for the town’s kids, by helping them with their float for the annual Christmas Parade. Photo:Jefferson Brown, AnnaLynne McCord Photo Credit: Copyright 2014 Crown Media United States LLC/Photographer: Peter H. Stranks

Plot: Hailee is a news reporter sentenced to 25 hours of community service in Carver Bend (“Where Christmas Comes Home”…no really that’s what the town sign says) for driving into a judge’s fence. She’s a bitch who hates Christmas but once she starts working with cutie teacher Beck and the town’s Arts center to build a float for the Christmas parade, suddenly she’s bursting with festive joy. Oh she’s also got a fiancé whose trying to sabotage the Arts center, or whatever. But love at Christmas ALWAYS WINS. There’s just too much of everything in this movie, mostly AnnaLynne McCord who I remembered I hate.

WORST: Actual conversation: Beck- “God bless broken roads, right?!” Hailee- “They lead to the best destinations.” Okay, Rascal Flatts. Do less. Beck also gives Hailee a painting of herself that’s preettttyyyyy creepy and triggers pre-crime red flags for me.

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Merry Christmas, everyone–I hope this painting haunts your dreams!

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Horsing Around”

lisahorse

Just cause we haven’t seen enough of the lavish European vacation; we kick off last night’s episode with Kyle and Lisa shopping in Italy. Kyle LOVES shopping in Europe because she likes telling people they can’t buy the same top as her unless they yacht to the Italian coast. What a twat. From the looks of it, they’re shopping on the Ponte Vecchio. To put things in perspective for us peasants, I studied abroad in Florence and the only time I walked across the Ponte Vecchio (the bridge of gold and expensive jewels) was to get to my favorite pizza place. In fact, I bought all the men in my family memorabilia covered in the statue of David’s dick. Now THAT’S how you shop in Florence.

florenceshopping

We also get a rare peek into Eileen’s lair, formerly known as a 65 year old’s cluttered attic. We see what Eileen is like in the morning after she’s had a cup of coffee and I would never want to have a sleepover with this bitch. Chipper city. Also what was the point of Eileen decluttering her house when she still LOST AN IPAD IN IT. She quite literally hid her iPad from her son and now CAN’T FIND IT in her trunk show that is a home. While trying to yip yap post-caffeine surge to her husband and son, Eileen teaches us all a little something when she says, “I don’t know what it is about men and boys, they can’t hear a female voice.” Eileen isn’t stupid. That’s scientific fact. Men physically are deaf to women. It’s been tested.

And of course, for your latest installment of pointless dinners specifically for nasty-other-cast-member gossip, Rinna, Eileen and Kyle gather. This dinner’s plot twist? Both Eileen and Rinna are wearing leopard. OMGAW flashback to when Brandi and Rinna matched in leopard. Moral of the story, it’s time for Rinna to declare the rule ala Mean Girls that no one else in the group can wear leopard print. It would be downright embarrassing if this happened a third time. Anyway, there’s some fodder about Kim escaping from rehab, which makes me laugh out loud to think of a woman who regularly tweeted “I love turtles”, devising a plan to snake her way out. Kyle feels bad talking shit about Kim so she shifts the topic to Yolanda, so can bring up her theory of depression again to a fresh set of ears. Just call her Dr. Richards. Boom. Yolanda is diagnosed and probably cured.

Speaking of morons doing moron things, Lisa and Rinna take a private jet to Ohio so that they can wear cowboy hats in the Midwest and look like a couple of assholes. En route, Lisa says she has her 4:45 AM face on and guess what? It looks like the face she has painted on at every other hour of the day. #IWokeUpLikeThis. I never ranked Lisa as a dum dum but when she asked if Ohio was expecting a hurricane I was stunned. Then she rolled the window down in the middle of a rainstorm and was surprised when water came pouring into the limo. New discovery: Lisa is real stupid. It also turns out the mini horse is super chunky and has a bum leg…probably from trying to support all that weight. They jet back without the horse that will most likely be sent to the glue factory. T’s and P’s for Rosebud. (That was her name right? Who knows. It was wearing a pink tutu to distract from its dead leg.)

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Side note: Rinna has a kickass leather jacket collection. I want all in on that.

FINALLY we get a new character. Erika Girardi makes her colorful debut as Yolanda’s “friend.” They do something with IV’s (all YoYo does anymore) where Erika tells us, ‘”I’m 44 years old but I look great.” I can already tell she’s going to be fun to recap. THEN we get more back-story. Erika was a cocktail waitress and married her customer, a famous lawyer (ala Erin Brockovich) who happens to be twice her age. She calls him Mr. Girardi and it’s SO creepy. Lotta Anna Nicole Smith comparisons to be drawn with this one. Girl also has an alter ego named “Erika Jane”. Alter ego Erika is someone who belongs in a Vegas strip club but APPARENTLY has topped the billboards several times with dance jams. Bravo is really filling the void left behind by Carlton’s sexual prowess. Erika throws on a see-through onesie and practices her writhing choreography that is very popular in the Red Light District. I’m rubbing my hands together with glee for what’s to come with Erika once she meets all her newly hired gal pals and alcohol is in the mix!

And since we haven’t quite celebrated it enough, Ken’s 70th birthday deserves a lavish English tea decorated for a woman. Lisa’s party trick is leaving a tree of extravagant hats at the entrance and making the ladies try to kiss each other’s cheeks by way of hat brims. They CAN’T EVEN and it’s hilarious. A party is the perfect occasion for the ghosts of housewives past to remind us that they’re still alive. Taylor’s moving back cause Real Housewives of Denver never really took off. Camille also rolls through and we didn’t get to see nearly enough of her.

Instead they focus on Taylor and her big honking mouth as she shouts about how she “likes” Yolanda’s instas out of pity but really is exhausted with her posts. Hey Taylor, it’s called unfollow. Stop trying so hard to be relevant. Kyle draws attention to her hat and lipstick combo no less than 10 times and Lisa gives a dirty toast to Ken referring to his current age. If I was Pandora I would jump off a bridge at my parents joking about 69’ing each other at dad’s birthday dinner.

It starts to rain and god forbid it rain when everyone is wearing hats…Kyle takes the rain as a sign to liven things up and suddenly all the girls are in the pool. It’s nips out for the boys because the ladies are all conveniently free-boobin’ it in white dresses. Lisa complains about this impromptu swim ruining her classy high tea and YET her hot pink thong is out to play. In the end, Ken is pushed in the pool and I literally thought he was dead. I gasped as he lie there lifeless for a second before all the bitches in see through dresses surrounded him and bounced around like a scene straight out of the Playboy mansion. Except everyone’s super old, not just Hef (or in this case, Ken…who as it turns out, survived his near drowning.)

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor S20: Ranking the Contestants

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Christmas has arrived, everyone…the Bachelor contestants have been released with their idiotic bios and their Lifetouch yearbook portraits like presents we get to unwrap early! JOY TO THE WORLD! Let’s judge them and predict favorites…

In the spirit of ABC going on it’s 20th season of strangers fighting for a man’s love on camera, they’ve decided they can pretty much do whatever the F they want–as we saw last Bachelorette with the 2 woman showdown for the title. Thus allowing producers to cast two girls we’ve seen before…which seems a whole lot like cheating. Naht my problem these girls didn’t find love the first time…therefore I’ve placed both ladies at the bottom of the list on principle.

Amber, 30

Amber

Amber was on Farmer Chris’s season and was so riveting the first time around that this is what I wrote about her after the premiere:

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Props for getting a colorist but other than that she’s still a bartender and her bio still straight up put me to sleep. Enough is enough, Amber. Please find something else to do with your time and stop coming back for sloppy seconds on this franchise.

Becca, 26

Becca

Obviously Becca made it to the finale with Chris. She’s cute and southern and pure but like other than that…here’s my first impression from Becca last Bachelor season:

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So three cheers for ABC bringing back two boring duds. Out of the two though, I’m leaning toward Becca cause: “Biggest date fear: Having stomach issues and clogging up a toilet, a la Dumb and Dumber.” Lolz, toilet humor.

Tiara, 26

Tiara

The girl named after a crown has only one thing on her mind: CHICKENS. Her occupation is “Chicken Enthusiast”, her guilty pleasure is holding random chickens and she couldn’t live without her chickens. No seriously, she referred to chickens three times. Hey, Tiara, we get it. You’ve got a bird fetish and therefore you’re weird. Get outta here. I also find it lolworthy that she loves touching chickens but IS AFRAID OF DOGS.

Emily, 22

Emily Twin 1

Haley, 22

Haley Twin2

Look I was all for treating these two as separate human beings despite the fact that ABC is using them as a plot twist. But I kid you not, their occupation was listed as “Twin” AND they’re wearing the same shirt in the above photos…therefore they will now be treated as one. These bitches are fresh out of college (assuming they went to college) and looking for a husband. Find your chill. They were cheerleaders in Las Vegas. Bai.

Jessica, 23

Jessica

Jessica is an accountant from Florida and to be honest that’s about all I took from her bio. Snooze city.

Mandi, 28

mandi

I’m sure Mandi’s a great gal but I took one look at this picture and the fact that she describes her “legs for days” and all I could think of is that leggy lesbian Faith from Unreal. And that’s a comparison I’m not ready to overcome.

FaithUnreal

Lace, 25

Lace

I’m not even quite sure how to approach this name. Is it a cute way of spelling Lacy? Is it literally just the fabric Lace? Who knows. What we do know is that via an embarrassing story, we learned that Lace doesn’t know how to flush a toilet. Cause one time she dropped a deuce then invited a guy over and he found it. And they laughed about it apparently. Yeah, ok. First date dumps always lead to a big giggle fest.

 Amanda, 25

Amanda S

Amanda hails from “Rancho Santa Margarita”, which is absolutely a lie you tell a creeper hitting on you when you’re drunk. Oh where am I from? I’m from a little town named Blue Cheese Mimosa. You’ve never heard of it? Weird. Amanda also has two kids. So her vagina is twice ruined and she’s only 25. Lastly she’s wearing her belt over her jeans.

Leah, 25

Leah

Leah twerked in her interview and wants to be a mermaid. Basically she’s doubly unoriginal. And that purple onesie makes her look like Barney. NEXT.

Breanne, 30

Breanne

Breanne took a 30th birthday trip to NYC BY HERSELF. That sounds RLY fun. She’s adapted the Tyra Banks “smize” and her goals for this season of the Bachelor were to become a #PowerCouple with Ben. Everything about Breanne already annoys me. I feel like she’s probably a less hot version of Britt.

Jennifer, 25

Jennifer

Jennifer would choose to be a dolphin for their sex habits…this raises a red flag for me. Her reasoning is because they’re the only animal that has sex for pleasure but all I’m thinking is the fact that dolphins rape each other and people a lot. Do you see how this can be concerning, Jennifer? She also loves tanning in the nude so she’ll have a wild side I’m guessing.

LB, 23

LB

I get that there are roughly 100 Lauren’s this season and LB is probably just trying to differentiate herself but it FEELS a little like she’s stepping on LC’s toes here. LC is a thing. LB isn’t. LB once went on a date in a Nepal jungle (casual) also would want to be a dolphin. What’s the fascination with dolphins here, ladies? (If I’m being less judgmental LB is pretty and seems chill as hell but I’m here to point out the weird stuff first.)

Maegan, 30

Megan

Just like Juelia from last season, people who spell their name like assholes immediately feel my wrath. Unnecessary vowels inconvenience me in recaps. Maegan followed up her silly spelling by being a cowgirl who loves to play grab ass at bars and owns a mini horse that she often kicks it with. She could be hilarious. She also could be wildly obnoxious. We’ll have to see how she toes the line.

Olivia, 23

Olivia

As if you couldn’t tell from this headshot, Olivia is a news anchor. Her guilty pleasure is french fries. A guilty pleasure is watching every holiday movie that Hallmark releases each year. Omg Olivia, it’s so embarrassing that you secretly love french fries.

Caila, 24

Caila

Caila has a tattoo of the Hawaiian islands on her hip. Her ideal amount of children would be 3 because they would fit in her car. Supes practical. She hates guys who swear and that’s why she’s on the lower end of the list. My truck driver mouth doesn’t approve.

Jubilee, 24

Jubilee

Jubilee’s bio made me laugh out loud when they asked what type of music she liked and she said, “Country music. Don’t judge me LOL!”

Laura, 24

Laura

Laura can’t live without key lime pie. Seems odd.

Samantha, 26

Samantha

Nothing excites me about Samantha. She’s an attorney from Florida and fears awkward silence on a date. ZzzzZzz I fear that she’ll put me to sleep on a date.

Jackie, 23

Jackie

Jackie’s gonna be the one to stay fit while living in the mansion and crush everyone at physical competitions. She’s a runner with no regrets.

Lauren H, 25

Lauren H

Fingers crossed the Lauren’s drop like flies the first night otherwise these recaps will be a nightmare. This Lauren is already kissing ass before even getting to the mansion. She said she would love to be Chris Harrison for a day. She also pinterests wedding ideas at work so she’s got a little bit of the crazy.

Jami, 23

Jami

Another bartender, in her bio, Jami admits to be an “inexperienced” lover. Essentially she just painted a shiny virginal target on her back before even having the chance to get too much champagne in her and confess it to a bunch of strangers. C’mon girl…know how to play the game.

Lauren R, 26

Lauren R

If Lauren R. could have lunch with any three people she would choose Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake..in that order. At least big J got the first invite. Do you think Jesus and Michelangelo are the type to go for lunch brews and then go back to work? Cause JT fo sho would. Lauren R also looks like she’s not wearing pants above.

Isabel, 24

Isabel

Izzy’s pretty normal. She dabbled in 50 shades of Grey but doesn’t normally read, loves Tay & Beyonce oh and her family vacations when she was young consisted of chartering a private yacht around the Virgin Islands. Ho hum, just a normal girl like me and you.

Shushanna, 27

Shushanna

Shush will be easy to point out because she’s a smokeshow mathematician named Shushanna. I like when people stand out and make my recaps easier. Unfortunately other than those facts she’s not real spicy.

Lauren B, 25

Lauren B

Not only are there 100 Laurens, but there are 2 Lauren B’s. DRAMA. This LB is a flight attendant who crushes mimosas and brunch (and probably yoga, iced coffee and Netflix.) She’s the most basic of white bitches and I would probably be fast friends with her if we ever met.

Rachel, 23

Rachel

Rachel right here is my gurrrrlll. She’s the first one I’ve seen own up to being unemployed. PREACH! As a fellow participant of #Funemployment I immediately identified with her. She sealed the deal of our love affair by saying if she could be any animal she’d be the cookie monster and eat a bunch of cookies. Which is essentially all I do while I’m unemployed. I hope she makes it to the finals but if she doesn’t, I hope even more that she calls me so we can kick it.

Joelle, 24

Joelle

Joelle goes by Jojo. GET OUTTT RIGHT NOWWW, IT’S THE END OF YOUUU AND MEEE. JoJo can make a 3 leaf clover with her tongue (hear that, Ben?) and wants more than anything to be a part of Tay’s squad. Same, girl., same. She reads a lot of self help books so she probably knows how to go after what she wants and obviously she’s a dime. I feel like she’s going to be a strong contender in the competition.

Well there you have it. T’s & P’s for this season of The Bachelor. Tune in January 4th for the no doubt 5 hour premiere event and visit the full cast bios here.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/7/15

1. Nominations for everyone but Omarion singing about buhholes.

It was nomination week apparently as the noms for Grammy’s, Golden Globes and SAGS were all announced. What’s to be noted about the Grammy’s? Omarion went on a Twitter rant about how this song:

A song with the lyric “But he’s gotta eat the booty like groceries” got snubbed by the most prestigious of musical awards. Who would’ve guessed. (PS I wish Omarion was still singing bump bump bump with the rest of b2k. That was fire flames beats.)

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Obviously Tay dominated the noms, see full list here!

Golden Globes & SAG‘s (Click for full lists) didn’t peak my interest as much probably because I’m uncultured and watch trash TV and hence don’t know a lot of the shows/movies nominated. Props to Amy Schumer for sneaking Trainwreck into the mix though.

2. A BFF superteam debut.

My heart was aflutter when I saw these pictures. I love Blake Lively. I love Taylor Swift. And now that they’ve found each other I couldn’t be more obsessed with their union. Everyone else in the ever growing T Swift squad can kick rocks compared to Blake. THEY TOOK A SELFIE WITH A ROO. Hey guys, I cradled a baby roo…can I come too?

 

PS As if Blake Lively could get ANY cooler, she posted this gem today:

#tbt to when Serena Van Der Woodsen and Brandon Walsh were a thing. (Shh don't tell @robynlively 😊😉😝)

A photo posted by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

3. Chanel #5 will never ever die.

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Dirty Dancing will be the next live musical act and they’ve cast their baby and I am horrified. After watching this season of Scream Queens and questioning EVERY DAMN WEEK why the worst actress and character in all the land, Chanel #5 narrowly escaped murder, the LAST thing I needed to hear is that she’s snagged a beloved lead role. This time around, I hope they put Baby in the corner and throw a blanket over her for the whole show cause YIKES.

4. The Sims are still a thing?

Carly Rae Jepsen released a song in Simlish. AKA the gibberish that the Sims speak. I’m downright shocked that this is still a game. It was kewl when I was like 11 and playing computer games where you could make the characters have sex was scandal for days. But kids now have like apps for porn and shit…I don’t really see the intrigue with building humans to say and do dirty stuff anymore. Also remember when One Tree Hill tried to make Sims relevant again by having Jamie create a virtual Dan and Uncle Keith “to be friends in cartoon Tree Hill.” Laughs on laughs.

5. Ryan Gosling 4ever.

RyRy hosted SNL last weekend and didn’t disappoint for his first time around. I very rarely watch the whole episode and I did this time and laughed at almost every skit. A lot of times because Ryan caught a case of the giggles, which was adorable but also because the skits were solid too. This was obviously the best for Ryan’s giggles but performance-wise I think we know who dominated here.

Bonus:

What an AGGRESSIVE post breakup move by Ben Affleck here. It’s one thing to have a tat here and there on your bulging muscles. It’s a whole other ball game to turn your entire back into a colorful Phoenix like you’re Harry from 1D.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “We’ve Got Nothing But Love To Prove”

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Well as far as fall finales go…that was…boring. I mean, Deacon and Rayna are engaged (FINALLY!) and Will got a HEARTY thigh graze from Wade Cole. But other than that? Avery leads the anti-Juliette brigade and by way of association, Anti-Emily. Yes that’s right, the woman who has essentially been Avery’s live-in bitch since Juliette started her all booze n pills diet is dead to Avery now. Why? Cause she visited Juliette in post-partum rehab. When Avery tries to justify this aggressive move to the other dads at daycare (Will & Gunnar) he’s all yeah we should probably kill Emily because she betrayed me. Right, guys? RIGHT?! Cady’s BFF’s were like you’re the worst, go get Emily back. And after some more yelling and a chat with Juliette’s doc, that’s exactly what he does. Gawd, Avery’s so uptight now.

He may be a real dick but this makes for a hilarious grumpy dad dynamic with the whole three men and a baby shtick. Will stretched out on the puzzle play mat blowing bubbles with Cady and Gunnar beelining it to her when he gets home from tour only to be broken up by Avery shouting NO MORE JULIETTE was hilarious. I expected him to storm in the room waving a wooden spoon. Guy REALLY doesn’t want his baby recognizing her mom on TV. ALSO: NO MORE TV. What a lame dad.

Also lame: Luke’s plot twist that dethrones his entire ALMOST Jay-Z brand is that his business manager embezzled millions then went off the grid with all his stolen cash. Womp womppp now Luke owes 40 million in back taxes. Watching Luke pretend to know things about money while coming up with a solution was almost as funny as Scarlett still dating a doctor.

That same doctor who got a promotion in Seattle. Since I had washed my hands of this relationship about 400 episodes ago, I was surprised to see that they had to drag the breakup out this long. Caleb vows to stay in Nashville for Scarlett and she’s like SHIT. They break up, naturally as they should have after their first date full of Scarlett reciting medical terms from Webster-Merriam. Caleb stays super calm about it by saying he’s not like Scarlett because he’s normal. OHHH ZING, CALEB. Did you get that one from the insult store? BYE FELICIA.

Even though Maddie apologized for being the meanest sister on this earth, it’s not looking like she’s had an attitude adjustment just yet. She scowls while eating imitation fruit loops as Daphne sings a beautiful banjo melody at the breakfast bar. SINCE WHEN IS HAVING AN ANGEL VOICE CHILDISH, MADDIE?! Also on the topic of Maddie—now that Colt has moved in with Gramps did that just end their passionate love in a tour bus affair? People don’t forget. This modern day Romeo and Juliet of “my parents are the WOOOORSSTTT” relationship better not have faded into the dust. Or replaced by cool girl country singer Cash, who happens to be Frankie’s daughter. She opened up for Kacey Musgraves so she’s got mad kewl points in the teens with a record deal world of Nashville. Maddie and her get all BFF in five minutes and want to write together—without Daph. I hope Daphne becomes a YouTube sensation from her banjo crooning and stomps Maddie in fame to teach her a lesson about treating her like she’s in diapers.

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And of course, we can’t forget our favorite country threesome. Deacon may have purchased the ring but he doesn’t have moves quite like Markus. It’s about to be Markus’s country debut at an outdoor concert and he’s freaking out like a little baby bitch. Rayna has to pet his hair and shush him to get him to calm down about all this.

He’s done being colicky when the big night arrives and he lurks backstage with a flask. Rayna strolls up wearing a sparkle jacket, matching scarf and a fedora. She takes a swig from Markus’s flask and it GIVES ME LIFE. I wanted to kiss Rayna then, so totes understandable if Markus was having some thoughts as well. Anyway, let’s not get distracted by girl crush fantasies, the diva’s song started out sounding like Fallout Boy but took a turn for the better. I could kinda get down with it.

After the show everyone’s like omg Markus you’re amahhhzinnggg and record downloads are high and the crowd was eating that shit up so Markus takes Rayna up to the roof with a bottle of Dom to do some unsolicited kissing. Seriously, Rayna has a mouthful of bubbly when Markus goes in for the kill. He probably just wanted a sip of champagne from her mouth guys, totes innocent. JK he forcefully tells her YOU KNOW WE HAVE CHEMISTRY and she shouts RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES before she disappears into a cloud of smoke and glitter. (PS Pay up, Dad. When I predicted this trajectory 3 weeks ago Den was like nah he’s not hitting on her. LoLz.)

Not one to be scorned by a lover that’s probably twice his age, Markus decides to toss Boulevard back togets and leave Rayna high and dry because she didn’t really need mouth to mouth CPR just from taking a swig of champagne. Deacon is Mr. Jelly Belly about that punk kissing his lady and delivers the line of the night with, “You’re going to talk to Markus in the middle of a fight about Markus?” The answer is yes. Yes she is. Rayna’s even late to the opening of The Beverly. She misses Deacon and Scarlett’s lively kickoff song dedicated to….wait for it…Beverly. When she finally shows up reeking of desperation because she just begged a guy who raped her mouth not to leave Nashville, Deacon yells at her a little more then is like never mind will you marry me? The answer of course, is yeah ok. Can’t believe she wasn’t wearing her concert outfit for the proposal. That would’ve been so0o instagram worthy. Do you think Rayna ‘grammed the ring? Or like, because it’s her third…maybe it’s less social media friendly. Things to think about over the next few months because we won’t see a Nashville return until March (this sentence made me VERY relieved.) Enjoy the break!

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I’m engaged, ya’ll!

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Ciao, Tuscany!”

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Do you feel like enough time has passed since last season’s reunion where Kyle and Kim went at each other’s throats? I don’t. I don’t think enough time will ever pass to make that any less uncomfy. We’ll have to get over it because there may only be one Richards sister on this season (so far) but the dirrty family laundry continues to be aired. This week’s installment is the impending nuptials of Nicky Hilton. You know, Paris’s sister. She’s getting married at a palace in London, cause she’s a Hilton. And Kyle has been uninvited to the wedding. Why? BECAUSE KATHY SAYS SO. And what Kathy says, goes. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Kathy is not thrilled about how her sisters have been muddying the family name on reality TV as she watches in her Ivory Hilton tower, but that’s neither here nor there. To reiterate: I’m on Team Kathy. Cause if you’re not on Kathy’s side you’re disinvited from the wedding event of the season. Kyle finds a way to weasel her way back onto Kathy’s good side and get invited to the wedding again. Except the rest of her family can’t come. BOLD. Apparently Portia’s in the wedding and Kyle can go but everyone else can kick rocks. When Lisa tries to point out how bananas this is, Kyle’s like it’s nobody’s biz, shut the hell up. Except she’s made it our biz..so0oo0o…that comment has about as much validity as saying that I was almost a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

I wouldn’t want to miss this…

Speaking of Angels, momma of the newest to be winged (and my ferocious girl crush) Yolanda, is still struggle city this episode and it breaks my little heart. Yo goes in for a procedure to take all the metal out of her mouth because it might be adding to her illness but she’s not really sure. The surgery looks like the WORST and she feels like she’s choking and can’t breathe but don’t you fret because David to the rescue! Foster rolls in mid-procedure to grab her hand and kiss her numb, gaping mouth. At the end, he seals the deal of best hubs ever by making a groan worthy joke to the doc about if they can have sex right away. Ugh. David. If I were Yo I probably would’ve already had the papers drawn at that point. I’m actually surprised he didn’t wheel a piano into the operating room and request that the nurses sing backup like one of their dreadful dinner parties.

Husband of the year should probably go to Harry after the amount that Rinna tosses her mom haircut around to attract attention to her new diamond earrings. “Guess who got these for me?” she goads to her daughters and when they stare at her cluelessly she exclaims, “HARRY HAMLIN!” I feel like “dad” could’ve sufficed in this scenario rather than using government names with the children they made together. I’m going to assume Rinna doesn’t get a lot of lavish gifts with the way she’s put up a billboard about these earrings. Or she does and she acts like this every time, in which case I might need a breather from Rinna. JK she’s one of the realest on the show. I need to keep her in my pocket.

Rinna & Eileen (whose existence on this season so far is to mourn the loss of her father in law Dick Van Patten) act like compassionate humans and visit Yolanda in her white plushy den of illnesses. Yolanda lies on a white bed in a white robe awaiting her lady callers. The girls take their time to snoop around Yo’s new place looking at pictures and into medicine cabinets that would be an absolute goldmine for a drug dealer with the wall-to-wall pills Yo’s been stashing. Rinna reveals that her daughter has a monster crush on Anwar Hadid. Who doesn’t—amirite?! I would kill for a setup of these two for an awkward on-camera tween date. I live for that shit. PLS make it happen, Andy. That’s all I want for Christmas. Anyway, the gals all sit down and talk about colonics and being full of shit. Eileen’s sister died after being sick for a while so she’s really feeling for Yolanda. These two seem genuine and have actually been supportive of Yolanda on camera.

Turds 1 and 2, otherwise known as Lisa and Kyle—on the other hand…are on an economy vacation. HAHA. LoLz. Kyle and Co. are just yachting all over Italy and about to meet up with Lisa and Ken in a Tuscan villa. Kyle’s yacht is bigger than anything I’ve ever lived in and this is essentially just their vacation transportation. Typical. An extra hearty snicker for Kyle talking about going shopping in Florence and then adding at the end: I also want to check out the museums. Mauricio literally laughs right in her grillpiece at how fake that statement was. Mauricio shouldn’t be laughing though because he’s the kind of asshole vacationer who NEEDS to show off his knowledge of other languages at every chance he gets. ARRIVEDERCI he shouts in a haughty voice as he pops into his Ferrari to drive to the villa.

For what it’s worth (nothing), the “Butler” at the villa doesn’t even know how old it is when Kyle asks so he’s obviously a hired Italian actor. Lisa and Ken arrive to the “many many years old” villa after shouting at their Italian Uber to turn up the AC cause it’s not like it’s BOILING in the backseat or anything. They also spent the ride throwing shade at Yolanda for once calling the Amalfi Coast a chore. To be fair, that’s an asshole thing to say…but so is Ken pointing out that Kyle only wears mu-mu’s. Ken is turning into quite the little catty bitch for someone whose about to be 70 years old. SEVENTY. AS IN MY GRANDMA’S AGE. I thought people stopped giving an F when they got that old. Take a page from my Gammy’s book, Ken. Play peaknuckle with your buds once a week, eat dinner at 4:30 and take advantage of all senior citizen discounts. Stop worrying about the fashion and makeup preferences of your wife’s friends.

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Anyway, Ken probably gets put down for his afternoon nap while Lisa and Kyle take the ‘rarri out for a joyride in the Italian countryside because they’re rich and we’re not. Then they spend a significant amount of time piling it on Yo again because they’re the worst and they can. Kyle does what she does best and makes Yolanda’s illness about herself. Apparently when Kyle’s mom died she was convinced she had a disease but it turned out to all be mental and related to her depression. Cool story, Kyle. Let Yolanda try to find a cure and stop chirping her for not wearing eyeliner.

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Red Carpet, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2015

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The VS Fashion show is always right around the time of year when I’ve already had my winter body for roughly 2 months. And yet I still plop my ass on the couch in an oversized sweatshirt surrounded by snacks so that I can comment out loud to myself “she’s TOO skinny.” All in all I’d say it’s an annual success in reaffirming that my daily regiment of eating every hour and never exercising makes me a supermodel at heart. It’s the inside the counts. Last night Taylor Swift and her runway star power was sorely missed but there’s never really a shortage of things to giggle at.

 

Highlights:

-Last year I ripped on the amount of kisses blown and how the angels actually discussed their preparation for getting the right wink.. Well of course there were 1 trillion more facial spasms this year but the new move seemed to be the shimmy into a wink. It was a welcome change from blowing a kiss at the end of their strut. I’d rather see them toss those moneymakers around than give dramatic air smooches.

-With Kendall’s debut as an angel, it was to be expected that the Kardashians would snake their way into the spotlight. Momager Kris was probably salivating at being the equivalent of an Awards Show Taylor Swift with the amount of times the camera cut to her in the crowd doing this (every.time.Kendall.walked):

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-The Weeknd wasn’t briefed on how the models like to clasp hands when they walk by the performer and watching him navigate that on the fly was downright entertaining.

-Definitely wasn’t jelly at all of this…her core is like TOO flawless, ya know?

-Ellie must have learned from last year’s near Ariana Grande beheading because she just missed a decapitation by some ferocious butterfly wings. (Also did 90’s Mariah Carey design this show? What’s with all the butterflies…)

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-YIKES:

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-Selena Gomez takes on the Pink collection, which is essentially cute PJ’s, sports bras and cotton briefs yet she wears this and it’s OUTRAGEOUS. I love Selena but she’s gorgeous all on her own. I don’t think she needed to pop in blue contacts, ask for her spray tanner to make her a different race and wear a silk dress that was one shimmy away from a nip slip. Read the room, Sel.

-Selena would’ve stood out even more except that the Pink collection quickly turned into a slutty Halloween costume contest. WHAT was happening here?! A cop, a firefighter, an astronaut, a girl LITERALLY carrying a surfboard? As if the wings aren’t enough of a walking liability?!

-Winter wonderland was the best collection by FAR. Especially Candice. DAMN.

-Sucks to be this chick wearing ACTUAL firecrackers. WINK.

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-If we’re being honest I’ve seen more extravagant fantasy bras in years past.

 

Fluff Pieces that made me laugh: 

-A backstage promotion of Instagram and who has the best account/most followers quickly snowballed into “how to take the perfect selfie.” As the young’ns rattle on about angles and lighting, Adriana Lima stomps on them by pointing the camera at herself and saying, “TA-DA! I’ts not that hard.” HAHA you rookie idiots, watch Adriana, you might LEARN somethin. Realistically when you look like her… it IS supes easy to take gorgeous selfies.

Miami traffic this week sucks

A photo posted by Adriana Lima (@adrianalima) on

Chilling😊😊☺️ 🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷

A photo posted by Adriana Lima (@adrianalima) on

🚿 SHOWER TIME 🚿

A photo posted by Adriana Lima (@adrianalima) on

-The squad wouldn’t be the squad unless they took a few moments to casually insert how much they loved being in the Bad Blood music video and strutting down the 1989 stage. Lily was like fantasy bra? Who cares! I’m BFF’s with Taylor!

-A detailed workout segment that ended with one of the angels saying, “I totally think we’re athletes”…I’ll just leave that one there for you. Interpret it as you will.

-“It’s a little weird walking past your sister’s boyfriend in lingerie but it’s gonna be great.”-Gigi letting us know that her and Bella are SO Hollywood. JK I’m obsessed with Gigi and she looked amahzing in the show. Real proud of her.

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-Lily speaks to the fantasy bra while the grumpiest security guard in all the land stands watch on camera. This is a bra made of colored gems, not Buckingham palace. Let’s calm ourselves.

-Annual holiday commercial features Tay “This Love”, of course. Hey—wait a second—Rome doesn’t look like that! It looks like thousands of people everywhere sweating and gladiators charging you to take a picture next to their toned pecs and tacky costumes. I guess Michael Bay envisioned a more magical Rome, whatevs.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/30/15

1. British Invasion SuperBowl.

LONDON – SEPTEMBER 27: (EMBARGOED FOR PUBLICATION IN UK TABLOID NEWSPAPERS UNTIL 48 HOURS AFTER CREATE DATE AND TIME) Chris Martin of Coldplay with singer Beyonce Knowles attend the after party following the concert by Jay-Z at The Royal Albert Hall, at Movida on September 27, 2006 in London, England. (Photo by Dave M. Benett/Getty Images)

Before the news broke that Coldplay would be doing the halftime show this year, they released a song with Queen B (Listen Here.) Now that I think about it he was probably buttering up the Beyhive (all of America) so we would be more accepting to the halftime show news. Look, if I can’t have Taylor Swift (and we all know she deserves a halftime gig) then I will settle for Coldplay. They’re good shit and as long as they don’t allow gorillas to dance around the stage, I accept.

2. Sandra’s New Nugget.

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Sandy adopted a little girl named Laila and now she’s got two kids and a silver fox boyfriend so like obviously her life is fabulous. I actually don’t have much to say about this gossip because I don’t love children a whole lot but I’m just happy that Sandra is winning life after all that drama with her dirt ex-husband. People don’t forget, Jesse.

3. MK Gets Married.

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Last weekend Mary Kate Olsen married bro of French pres, Olivier Sarkozy, who’s pretty old. I’m obviously going to need a little time to cope as 1/2 of my childhood twin idols married a French geezer and had bowls of cigarettes at her wedding. When did it all go wrong? Also lolz to the fact that I’m assuming this is Olivier’s child pictured below and MK is the same height/looks like she’s the same age–the only way you can tell them apart is the way that MK is clutching onto that cigg with a death grip.

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Here’s to many more years of creepy pictures and dark cloaks that smell like stale smoke, you two! (I assume that’s almost exactly what was given for a toast…it’s like an enchanting nursery rhyme)

"In the blink of an eye." Congrats MK. X

A photo posted by John Stamos (@johnstamos) on

4. Princess Charlotte is precious.

Because we’re all so obsessed with the Royal fam, they were like I guess we’ll throw those trash Americans a bone and released new pics of Charlotte around Thanksgiving. She is quite literally the second most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. (First born George takes the W, obv.) If Will & Kate had a Facebook I don’t even think I’d hate it if they posted a daily photo of their kids like I do when everyone on social media whose ever birthed a child does. THAT’S how perfect their babies are. Highest compliment I could probably ever give.

5. Harry gets Tatted on TV.

1D goes on the Late Late show to play Tattoo Roulette and obviously they make it REAL dramats trying to make you think that it’s possible James or tat-free Niall might have to get inked. Realistically you know from the start it’s going to be Harry because he gives 0.0 F’s and has a trillion tattoos already. Yet it was still pretty entertaining to watch.

Also leave it to James to have Billy Crystal just chillin and get a member of 1D to sit on his lap:

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Empire, Television

Empire- “Et Tu, Brute?”

 

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(Not Anymore!)

I took last week off from recapping Empire. I had a prior engagement in that I felt it was a rite of passage to do my first ever Thanksgiving Eve in my hometown. And let me tell you…it was WORTH it. I got drunk, served some dirty looks and ended the night with a bowl full of queso. Hot damn. Hope ya’ll can forgive me and we’ll just go right ahead and pick up with this week’s drama, or in the case of all finales, 50 minutes of lackluster TV and then 10 minutes of HOLY SHIT.

We kick off last night’s episode with a little Jaaaayyyysuuunnn Deruuuuuloooo. He announces the first nominees for the American Sound Awards, which sound like they have just about as much credibility as the AMA’s in real life. Can we please get a Jason/Jamal duet? Oh YEAH! (That only works if you read that in Jason’s voice, otherwise it seems like an odd sentence.) Anyway, Jason announces a nomination for his boy Jamal. They boyz now.

Speaking of boys, Jamal takes a quick hiatus from them to have relations with the purple haired goddess that is Sky. Naturally we’re all like huh? But leave it to Lucious to gracefully get right to the point when he asks, “Are you hitting that?” Then assumes that Sky and her majestic locks “fixed” Jamal. That Lucious, what a genius. This is the same man who minutes later said the sentence, “Is you is or is you ain’t my Mimi?” Wut.

Later on they jam it out to Powerful and out of all the celeb guest stars in the world that Empire has snagged, they get Charlamagne Tha God onstage to ask the hard-hitting questions, Is you or is you ain’t black, Sky? JK he didn’t say that but he did take a big dump all over her for suddenly choosing to identify as black for this tune. It would be like Jamal being openly gay then dating a woman…HAHA do you know something Charlamagne? Since the Internet is hilarious, they harass Sky on twitter by adding a Rachel Dolezal afro to her pictures. Brava, computer bullies, brava. No seriously. Making Rachel Dolezal topical again months later in a sly way like that was spot on. Obviously Skyal doesn’t last very long because Jamal is still gay and Sky called their hookup SOOOOO beautiful. Do less, Sky. There’s no way Jamal was THAT good. He thinks girls are icky. Also their names would never work together so it’s for the best that they broke up before getting a couple hashtag.

PS the minute that Sky appeared last week I had some real hardcore Beyond the Lights flashbacks. Troubled, misunderstood pop singer with purple hair…Double PS if you haven’t seen this movie please watch it because it’s amahzing.

After rolling deep with drug dealer/baker Rosie O’Donnell, Cookie feels like it might be time to revisit her roots. JK she lost Cookie’s Cookout (because of that dirty good for nothin longhorns tatted Laz) and needs good PR like nobody’s biz. Cookie sets up a concert at her old prison and then rolls up in a latex dress to show everyone that she is ABOVE those orange jumpsuits. She then promptly gives a pre-show speech where she sobs about losing a music festival and having her heart broken and these bitches are like um, quick reminder that we’re in jail…soooo…I’m surprised Cookie didn’t get a shoe (or a shiv) thrown at her for being such a bougie snob. Hakeem and Laura recover quickly by performing a banger for the jailbirds.

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And now for some of that good, good. The plot twist of the night is that suspicious Mimi and her wife that she keeps yapping about. Obviously we knew Mimi was a sketchathon but I never would’ve guessed that her wife is Hakeem’s cougar from season 1, Camilla. DOES EVERYONE WANT A PIECE OF HAKEEM’S D OR WHAT?! She comes crawling back thirstier than Anika at a Lyon family reunion. Either Hakeem lays mad pipe or he’s a real romantic Romeo type because I’m still having a tough time understanding why all these bitches want him. One little dick graze from Camilla and suddenly Hakeem’s convinced to oust Lucious from head of Empire. His vote is the deciding factor and Lucious is DUNZO. BOOM BOOM BOOM, BITCH.

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Cookie and Lucious’ reactions to having everything ripped from their hands were priceless. Cookie spits right in Camilla’s grill piece, prison style. And Lucious fires up his AK47 to shoot some ceramic décor in his home office. Don’t you mess with Lucious; he’ll take it out on a few selections from the pottery barn! Even Cookie is like getchyo ass together, you’re embarrassing me.

And for the final OMG moment, you know something’s fishy when Rhonda and Andre are living the vanilla life. Their biggest issue this episode was an alarm system in their million dollar mansion on the fritz. They chit chat about decorating the nursery and going to church on Sunday. Ho hum, everything’s going swell UNTIL RHONDA GETS PUSHED DOWN THE MASSIVE FLIGHT OF MARBLE STAIRS AT HER OWN HOME! I almost leapt right off my couch when with just a flicka the wrist Rhonda and baby lay lifeless at the bottom of the stairs. Who did it? Hm, I don’t know maybe that crazy bitch Anika who apparently wasn’t loving the fact that Rhonda’s son was named heir to the Empire throne. But like, what throne? Anywho, hey guys… Don’t forget to tune in next week for Cookie’s Cookout Christmas Special with a side of MJ Blige and Hakeem bullet to the name LYON. See you all in March!

 

Drip Drops:

– Jamal’s Pepsi commercial is lol-worthy. He gets people to dance with him on the subway after sippin on some soda. If anyone so much as looked at me while I was riding the subway in the city I nearly crapped my pants, I certainly wouldn’t be like JAMAL LYON IS THAT YOU? And then break dance.

-Cookie’s old prison squad asks Porsha if she’s the wifey and she was quick to set the record straight:

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-Thirsty licking all up on a middle aged board member in the elevator and her being like eh it was alright but not worth $10,000 was THE stuff. I mean come on, your NAME IS THIRSTY. You better be lapping that shit up like it’s the Sahara desert and her downstairs is the only pool of water in sight.

-The song that never ends–not lambchop singalong–but “Boom Boom Boom Boom” is nominated for song of the year up against Jamal’s “Heavy”. FATHER VS. SON. DIRT VS. BANGER. WHO WILL WIN?!

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