Red Carpet, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2015

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The VS Fashion show is always right around the time of year when I’ve already had my winter body for roughly 2 months. And yet I still plop my ass on the couch in an oversized sweatshirt surrounded by snacks so that I can comment out loud to myself “she’s TOO skinny.” All in all I’d say it’s an annual success in reaffirming that my daily regiment of eating every hour and never exercising makes me a supermodel at heart. It’s the inside the counts. Last night Taylor Swift and her runway star power was sorely missed but there’s never really a shortage of things to giggle at.

 

Highlights:

-Last year I ripped on the amount of kisses blown and how the angels actually discussed their preparation for getting the right wink.. Well of course there were 1 trillion more facial spasms this year but the new move seemed to be the shimmy into a wink. It was a welcome change from blowing a kiss at the end of their strut. I’d rather see them toss those moneymakers around than give dramatic air smooches.

-With Kendall’s debut as an angel, it was to be expected that the Kardashians would snake their way into the spotlight. Momager Kris was probably salivating at being the equivalent of an Awards Show Taylor Swift with the amount of times the camera cut to her in the crowd doing this (every.time.Kendall.walked):

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-The Weeknd wasn’t briefed on how the models like to clasp hands when they walk by the performer and watching him navigate that on the fly was downright entertaining.

-Definitely wasn’t jelly at all of this…her core is like TOO flawless, ya know?

-Ellie must have learned from last year’s near Ariana Grande beheading because she just missed a decapitation by some ferocious butterfly wings. (Also did 90’s Mariah Carey design this show? What’s with all the butterflies…)

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-YIKES:

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-Selena Gomez takes on the Pink collection, which is essentially cute PJ’s, sports bras and cotton briefs yet she wears this and it’s OUTRAGEOUS. I love Selena but she’s gorgeous all on her own. I don’t think she needed to pop in blue contacts, ask for her spray tanner to make her a different race and wear a silk dress that was one shimmy away from a nip slip. Read the room, Sel.

-Selena would’ve stood out even more except that the Pink collection quickly turned into a slutty Halloween costume contest. WHAT was happening here?! A cop, a firefighter, an astronaut, a girl LITERALLY carrying a surfboard? As if the wings aren’t enough of a walking liability?!

-Winter wonderland was the best collection by FAR. Especially Candice. DAMN.

-Sucks to be this chick wearing ACTUAL firecrackers. WINK.

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-If we’re being honest I’ve seen more extravagant fantasy bras in years past.

 

Fluff Pieces that made me laugh: 

-A backstage promotion of Instagram and who has the best account/most followers quickly snowballed into “how to take the perfect selfie.” As the young’ns rattle on about angles and lighting, Adriana Lima stomps on them by pointing the camera at herself and saying, “TA-DA! I’ts not that hard.” HAHA you rookie idiots, watch Adriana, you might LEARN somethin. Realistically when you look like her… it IS supes easy to take gorgeous selfies.

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Miami traffic this week sucks

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🚿 SHOWER TIME 🚿

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-The squad wouldn’t be the squad unless they took a few moments to casually insert how much they loved being in the Bad Blood music video and strutting down the 1989 stage. Lily was like fantasy bra? Who cares! I’m BFF’s with Taylor!

-A detailed workout segment that ended with one of the angels saying, “I totally think we’re athletes”…I’ll just leave that one there for you. Interpret it as you will.

-“It’s a little weird walking past your sister’s boyfriend in lingerie but it’s gonna be great.”-Gigi letting us know that her and Bella are SO Hollywood. JK I’m obsessed with Gigi and she looked amahzing in the show. Real proud of her.

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-Lily speaks to the fantasy bra while the grumpiest security guard in all the land stands watch on camera. This is a bra made of colored gems, not Buckingham palace. Let’s calm ourselves.

-Annual holiday commercial features Tay “This Love”, of course. Hey—wait a second—Rome doesn’t look like that! It looks like thousands of people everywhere sweating and gladiators charging you to take a picture next to their toned pecs and tacky costumes. I guess Michael Bay envisioned a more magical Rome, whatevs.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS RELATED TO THE SUPER BOWL THIS WEEK: Budweiser releases some teaser footage of their annual ad full of puppies and horsies. This year’s ad is called “Lost Dog” and I think I speak for all white girls when I say I CAN’T EVEN with these clips and pictures of the wittle baby puppy wandering around lost and scared. Budweiser better deliver that happy ending, I barely sat through Homeward Bound and I cannot handle another pet being lost. We don’t need another Sarah Mclachlan travesty of a commercial on our hands, Bud.

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Since we don’t know the outcome of this little guy’s muddy adventure just yet, let’s pick ourselves back up by watching last year’s ad “Puppy Love”

Enjoy crying into your buffalo wing dip this year at the Super Bowl.

2. Ellie Goulding released the music video for Love Me Like You Do off of the Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack. I’m including this for all my 50 Shades Fanatics. I haven’t read the book because if I’m going to read a novel about BDSM I’d prefer that my mom and grandma haven’t read the same one. I probably won’t see the movie either because I saw the chemistry between these two at the Golden Globes and it wasn’t worth a sizzle reel. However, this song is catchy and I can get down with it. So jam out and enjoy some lip biting, long stares and O faces set to Ellie’s magical voice, you wacky sex fiends.

BONUS: In related 50 Shades news this week, apparently the scene from the book including a tampon being ripped from Ana’s vag will NOT be included in the film, which is a shame really because nothing gets me going quite like my uterine wall shedding every month.

3. Chad Michael Murray got married to Sarah Roemer and they’re expecting. Don’t know who Sarah Roemer is? A quick trick to figure out who CMM is dating is to browse the cast list of his most recent TV Show/Movie.

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Chad is a co-star whore. It all started with Sophia Bush on OTH, then “allegedly” Paris Hilton on House of Wax and finally he was engaged to extra Kenzie Dalton from OTH for like ever and most recently was Nicky Whelan also his co-star from Chosen (awwkkk these three worked together and he boned both.) He can’t keep his hands home while he’s working apparently. He’s been dating Sarah since August, so it’s obviously reaaall serious. I hope for all One Tree Hill fans that he called Sarah last minute from the airport to get hitched in Vegas. And she showed up and said, You’re a mess, Chad Michael Murray–But you’re my mess. Cue the ambiguous too-deep-for-high-school literature quote:

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4. Mrs. Doubtfire to become a musical. Alan Menken who is like the #1 Disney composer revealed that he’s been writing music for the musical version of Mrs. Doubtfire and Harvey Fierstein will be writing the book. Fierstein played the brother who did the infamous Mrs. Doubtfire makeover in the movie. My thoughts on this childhood favorite of mine becoming a musical can be summed up in one word: NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Seriously not everything needs to be sung. Three thousand thumbs down to this idea and the film’s sequel as well. Leave the classic alone, poppets.

5. JLo dished on Watch What Happens Live and continued her fashion tour of “I’m 45 and I’ll leave my tits and ass out as much as I please”.

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When asked about her exes, JLo revealed that clearly she doesn’t go for looks, delivering a nice zinger to her ex-husband and father of her children, Marc Anthony. Yeah girl, we know. Also she’s still willing to rob the cradle, which we all assumed by her recent wardrobe choices and her affinity to get reeeall close with her baby costar from the glorified Lifetime movie that came out last weekend “Boy Next Door”. (Unrelated: does anyone wanna go see that with me? Let me know.)

Bonus: Nick Jonas grabbed his junk again. This time in a suit. You’re welcome ladies…

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