Author Archives: Thesaltyju

The Bachelor

The Bachelor- House of Criers

 

Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 8.19.40 PM

This week the ladies are all lounging on the couch in their trendy workout gear and it causes me to wonder if they actually do group yoga in the morning or if like me, they wear workout clothes to trick people into thinking they’ve just exercised. Someone arrives at the house and they’re all like “OMG THAT RUN WAS JUST SO HARD.” “Oh, never mind, it’s just Chris Harrison.” Lauren B, not to be confused with LB (who left last week), gets the date and 3.5 seconds later has perfectly wavy hair and has chosen a sexy but cute outfit. 

“The Sky’s the Limit” with Lauren B.

Ben kicks things right off by saying, “Join me on my magic carpet ride” and I get the creeps. No Ben, just no. They’re going up in a baby plane that does flips and shit. Lauren B might be a flight attendant but apparently she’s the kind that straps in during turbulence and clutches rosary beads because bitch is terrified to be in a plane. But then once she’s up in the air she’s AOK and has the time of her life. Nothing could ruin this date—not even THE MOST AWKWARD KISS ON THIS EARTH. No joke, I shielded my eyes when they did the kiss head jerk several times before making contact. They fly over the bachelor mansion and even though no one can even see them inside the plane, the girls all spontaneously combust with jealousy. The plane touches down in a field that is spacious and empty, except for the hot tub that was conveniently dropped there. I guess Ben’s a real hot tub guy? Lauren B’s like omgggg I don’t even know how this got here?! And then changes into a swimsuit. It turns out they’re better at kissing each other when they’re not squeezed into a toy plane dressed like Snoopy.

snoopy

Back at the mansion, Caila cries and squeals a lot about him going on other dates. I hate that I said I liked her. On the date that Caila isn’t on, Lauren B. reveals that she’s still single because she compares all men to her dad. Sexy. Ben tells a story about how his dad had surgery once. So like, a lot of dad talk for a first date. It wouldn’t be a one on one date if it didn’t end with a singer no one knows the name of performing for them. The two slow dance, and by slow dance I mean stand in front of this singer whose just trying to get a little fame and tongue each other.

“Love is the Goal” with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace, Emily

This date kills two birds with one stone. First, it allows for a “celeb” appearance with two soccer players from Team USA (I don’t know their names, sue me.) Second, it gives the girls who are all passive aggressive AF, an activity for them to be aggressive aggressive toward each other and just look dedicated to the game. This game was essentially made for Olivia, who claims soccer isn’t her thing, yet is out for blood. Literally. Once the girls find out the losing team can’t hang with Ben later, shit gets real, real quick. The stripes team get fired up because they have the least flattering Where’s Waldo uniforms ever, and the stars team has Emily (?) who can take a ball or two to the face. In Olivia’s plan to murder anyone who stands in between her and Ben, she sees that Rachel maybe broke her leg and goes after her to snap it clean off of her body. Team Olivia wins.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee cries about how she’s not Ben’s type and Jojo nods in agreement. (Could there be more crybabies up in this hizouse?) Speaking of whiny hoes, at the group hang, Olivia grabs Ben first and so therefore the rest of the girls talk about her ugly toes and bad breath. It’s only fair. When Olivia returns to the gossiping hags, Jami narcs on them and so ensues the most hilarious guessing game ever to occur. Jami is all; they were talking about some of your physical features. And Olivia is like was it my tree trunk calves? Or my cankles? My wide shark mouth? Don’t ever make a girl guess what is wrong with her…the options could not be more endless.

flaws

Amber gets a rose after finally speaking to Ben for the first time. And smooching him. So unfortunately she’s safe for one more week. Cankles Olivia is obviously offended she didn’t get a rose but reassures America that it’s only politics because according to Ben’s secret cues, they’ve basically already eloped. To be clear, the cue she’s referring to was him pushing off her leg to stand up from the couch. I can’t believe I didn’t know that a leg graze was sign language for “we have a kid on the way, the rest of this show is just a formality.” I need to pay more attention in life.

“Love is in the Air” with Jubilee

Apparently Jubz turns into an awkward bird when she’s nervous and makes sassy jokes. In other words, Jubilee is me. Ben has a helicopter come to the house to pick her up because he’s unoriginal and apparently we can expect all of his dates to have some form of aviation + a hot tub+ an obscure singer/songwriter. Anyway, Jubilee is afraid of heights and jokingly asks if someone wants her date cause she’s wearing white and doesn’t want to shit her pants. Everyone just about crucifies her for that comment because she got a date and they’re all duds with no sense of humor. Jubilee convinces me even more that we’re the same person when Ben feeds her caviar; she promptly spits it out and tells him she prefers hot dogs. I was all for Jubilee until she jokingly calls Ben a white boy, which is fine, but then she decided to dissect it afterward in the hot tub. That made for some realllllll awko taco. I was just trying that one on for size, Jami. I think I hate it.

Later at dinner, they talk about how Jubilee has so many layers and it turns out one of those layers is that her entire family died in Haiti. So like, real dark shit. Ben clearly doesn’t know how to react to this so he caresses her hand a little and tells her she’s gr8. She gets a rose and a seat on his lap. When the rest of the house finds out Jubilee got a rose, they’re really excited for her. NAHT. Lauren H. is shocked and declares, “Ben wants a wife who hangs out with all the other soccer moms.” Congrats on coming off sexist AND a little racist, LH.

Cocktail Hour

The normally upbeat and time-stealing cocktail hour takes a somber turn right off the bat when Ben announces that two of his family friends died that day in a plane crash. Olivia senses that he needs a little comforting and pulls him aside to talk about how much she hates her legs. She takes the empathy route, tears up a little bit and tells him how hard it is to be strong in the face of tragedy. No but seriously, an Emmy for the editor who cut this together because that’s quality TV right there.

Jubilee actually does comfort Ben with a massage. Except oopsie, her act of kindness made all the women in the house hate her 1000 times more and turn into bitchy locker room monsters ready to attack. They claim that she’s flaunting her rose—meanwhile she hasn’t spoken to anyone all night. I see some holes in this theory. Amber beckons Jubilee to come over and get verbally assaulted for doing nothing wrong and Jubz is like aw, hell no and runs away. Ben gets involved because he’s awkward and thinks he can solve drama. In the end, Amber looks like a real asshole and should’ve gotten her rose revoked, and Ben is on Team Jubilee. It’s cute that Ben thinks the drama is all over and ends up walking right into Lace, who I’m guessing if she got more camera time this week, she would’ve been saying this:

cecily

Lace is all tears and has decided to leave because she needs to work on herself. Apparently she hates herself as much as America does. Bye, Lace. It’s been real making fun of you. #Gone2Soon

Roses: Lauren B, Amber, Jubilee, Lauren H. (the soccer mom), Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

Jami turns into the bitter single drunk girl, says she’s going to get a lot of cats and that humans are garbage. “THAT’S WHY IM ALWAYS SINGLE!” she shouts like she just downed a tequila shot at last call and is going home alone. YIIIIIKES, Jami. Famous last words. You could’ve been remembered for making up a mediocre rhyme abbrev that would one day turn into a graphic tee sold at Forever 21 with the taco emoji BUT INSTEAD we’ll always know you as the singleton.

Update: That was really naive of me to think that this wasn’t already a tee. And that it’s even more unfunny when printed and mass distributed for sorority girls to wear because they ❤ Chipotle. Oh, god. There’s so many dumb variations. Be better, America.

 

Standard
Red Carpet

Critics Choice Awards Red Carpet

I can’t say I’ve ever watched the Critics Choice Awards before, but I think I’m down with them now. People are winning for things I actually watched and they just allowed Amy Schumer to stand onstage for like 5 minutes saying whatever the hell she felt like. Those five minutes alone were better than the entire Golden Globes this year. Anyway, here’s the top and bottom looks of the night. (Disclaimer: there are 0 men on this list…apparently no boys were allowed on the red carpet or something.)

WORST:

niecynash

Girl, this makes you look like a frumpy wad of cotton candy. I don’t know why she just didn’t borrow from Chanel #5’s closet.

wendimclendon-covey

This is a super unfortunate flappy armpit fabric sitch.

mjblige

MJ Blige showing off her bicep tats with these sleeves.

zoekravitz

Creamsicle, dreamsicle.

melissamccarthy

Better than the Golden Globes Hefty bag but still not quite there.

januaryjones

Lite Brite Dress

jennifer-aniston-justin-theroux-critics-choice-awards-2016

Slow your roll with that slit, Jen. Could she have made it easier for a little under-the-table funny business?

rachel-bloom

One shoulder tops give me a very early 2000’s MK&A vibe.

mayim-bialik

Did she get dressed in the 17th century, question mark

sarah-paulson_0

I imagine this is what Wednesday Addams would wear if she was into sparkles.

BEST:

constancezimmer

Classic look for a winner.

shiriappleby

Let’s talk about the fact that she just gave birth like 4 minutes ago and looks like a dime.

livtyler

If I wore this dress I would also look like I was 3 months pregnant. Liv actually is.

americaferrara

A classy black party dress is always hot stuff.

emmyrossum

Now this is how you do a slit.

amyschumer

Amy looks like a smokeshow.

marissa-tomei

sAsSy & SaH CaYooTe

krysten-ritter

Perfect hair, perfect dress.

lesie-judd1

Both tulle looks from last night make me want a tutu real bad.

gina-rodriguez

What a vision.

kirsten-dunst

Normally tiered dresses like this are super unflattering but Kirsten’s so damn skinny that she pulls it off.

hayden-p

NIPS OUT FOR THE BOYS! Hayden’s back!

Fave look of the night/Girl Boner:

rachelmcadams

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/11/16

1. Brett’s drunk and sexy. 

The song is obviously a banger and the video gives the ladies what they want: double the Brett. ALSO a pure bonus is the fact that Brett’s brother makes a cameo and is equally as sexy as Brett. Two thumbs up and fine holiday fun to the Eldredge brothers. I wouldn’t mind being the meat in that sandwich. Too much? Too little? Just enough?

Screen Shot 2016-01-14 at 8.18.49 PM

 

2. Adele’s Got Flow

What did we learn on the latest edition of Carpool Karaoke? Adele misses her mouth just as much as I do when drinking. *Stars, they’re just like us* She’s a closet rapper. She kind of talks like Eliza Doolittle. I want to be her friend…especially if she gets drunk and hands people money. Also James has got some pipes apparently? Even Adele was impressed. PS OF COURSE IT WAS RAINING IN ENGLAND. Double PS, Posh & Nicki approve:

 

3. Oscar Noms are Accidentally(?) Racist.

Click here to see full list.

The nominations for the most boring and lengthy awards show ever have been announced and apparently it was a little heavy on the whites. I can’t comment to any of the nominations specifically because I watch movies like The Duff and have not seen one single flick in the running. However, if Leo doesn’t take home the W, we strike. (JK I’ll never strike. I’m much too obsessed with myself to ever starve the world of my opinions during awards season.) Anyway, back on topic, the lack of diversity among nominees just guarantees us some edgier and “funny because it’s true” material from host Chris Rock. Don’t let us down, Chris. Also pls try to tell inapprops jokes without swear words or else we’ll be forced to listen to the bleep button all night again like a bunch of preschoolers.

4. Chelsea Does Drugs.

Watch trailer here.

Chelsea Handler ended her talk show on E a couple years ago so that she could sign a deal with Netflix for standup and an original series, where she apparently just tries different things each episode. Unfortunately, the first one is where she literally just does drugs. I think it’s time to call it a wrap on my girl Chels. I’ve read all her books and used to religiously watch her show but like c’mon, I don’t need to see her do hallucinogens. Plus, that little nugget Chuy is nowhere to be found creepily calling her Miss Chelsea. No thanks.

5. Friends Reunion-NAHT.

Friends

It’s a REAL slow news week, and therefore I’m going to rant so hard. Hey everyone on Facebook, this is not a real Friends reunion. Some of the actors from Friends (and Will & Grace) are gathering to talk about a director and that’s that. If I see one more Buzzfeed or status about how everyone’s peeing their pants in excitement for a Friends comeback I’m going to lose my shit. Friends isn’t coming back. I want you to think long and hard about what you’ve done to not make this happen.

unagi

RIP 1D (for real this time…probably.) Remember them fondly through this music video, handpicked by the biggest directioner I know.

 

Also since I feel so bad about this week’s JUice being mud, please accept this adorable vid of dog BFF’s hugging as a consolation prize:

 

 

 

Standard
Television

Puppy Bowl XII Top Picks

Super Bowl Schmooper Bowl, you all know I hate football and love puppies soo0o0o let’s talk about my favorite event of the year. There’s a reason I’m known as a dog creeper in my group of friends. And that reason is less concerning than you might think. Mostly I got my rep from sneak petting strange dogs every time I pass one. I also have a knack for smiling at dogs when I walk by them on the street. Real normal stuff. Anyway, ask me to write a serious story and I’ll stare at my computer screen for hours…ask me to make up fake personalities for dogs I’ve only seen one picture of? GAMETIME. Not all puppies can be first draft picks based on athletic ability, so I’ve gathered the top characters from this year’s lineup so you know what to expect.

Wrinkles

Wrinkles

Look, Wrinkles is super self conscious that his face looks like he got permanently smushed fighting for his mom’s nip in a litter full of puppies. We need to rub some confidence on Wrinkles because once he realizes his face is adorable and he can get mad kitty cheerleader tail, he’ll be a force to reckon with on the field.

 

Miss Sassy

MissSassy

There’s a reason she got this name. Even her picture shows that she’s sassy AF. I bet she strutted into this photoshoot and was like hit it boys, eat your heart out. Miss Sassy’s going to be using her time on the field to flirt with bros on the opposing team until they give her the ball and she spikes it into the endzone. Her TD dance is a shimmy, obviously.

Marley

Marley

Marley is clearly gearing up for a high five in this shot. NICE. She’s the morale booster of her team and gets everyone on the same page with a pep talk and a trips up her competitors with a classic down low, TOO SLOW.

Shylah

Shyla

Shylah looks like she just asked the maid to draw the curtains so she can be alone with her thoughts. I’m guessing she gets a little overwhelmed in a team atmosphere on the field and she’ll need her fellow pups to really rally around her to grab the W.

Leah

Leah

Every Shylah needs a Leah. Leah loves life and probably has a kickass time anywhere she goes. She’s your friend that brings you out on a night when you have “netflix binge in snuggie” written in permanent marker on your calendar. Leah’s the Gronk of the team. She probably tells a bunch of dirty jokes, winks at the cameras and tackles the shit out of her opponents. A real show-woman.

Jimmy

Jimmy

What a C-Hunk. Guaranteed at some point during the game Jimmy starts dragging those back legs around because he’s just too tired to make them functional. Luckily for him he’s good looking and knows how to play up the personality to distract from the beer gut.

Countess

Countess

Countess has “I just took a dump on the white carpet” written all over her. She’s probably super clumsy and will fumble a lot. She’s also most likely to poop right on the field. Prove me wrong, Countess.

Rugby

Rugby

I think we know who’s vying for MVP this year. Rugby plays so hard he couldn’t stop for like five seconds to take this picture. He’s hungry for a victory and always wants the ball. Most likely to: tell his teammates in the huddle that if they pass the ball to him, he’ll take care of the rest.

Bijoux

Bijoux_F

What a tall drink of water Bijoux is. She’s got limbs for days and unlike myself she probably knows how to athletically use them to her advantage. I picture mah grl B soaring through the air and tackling two dogs at once. Cause she’s a Bo$$ bitch.

Sailor

Sailor

Sailor has the passion but he’s just a touch out of shape. He’ll try to keep up with the others but physically he has baby legs and a little bit of a tum tum. He probably hasn’t hit the gym in a few months but he’s not self-conscious about it. More to love, baby.

Chichi

Chichi

Chi-Dubbz looks terrified. Are we sure she’s not being forced to do this? She kinda has the same look I used to have when my gym teacher told me I had to run the mile or I’d fail the class. For the record, I still stand by the fact that the people who actually ran their fastest mile mid-day at school (where time counted for nothing) and then continued the rest of the day covered in sweat were the real losers. I got yo back Chichi.

Timber

Timber

It’s GOIN DOWN. I’m yellin TIMBER! Seriously could a song be embodied more? Look at the velocity of that tail whip. Timber’s ready to rock. He also probably has the attention span of gnat because he’s literally looking at the ceiling. He’ll be hard to catch on the field. A Smash Williams without the ‘roids, if you will.

Puddin Pop

PuddinPop

Is this a joke? I feel like there’s so many reasons that dogs could hate us and naming one Puddin Pop is a legit reason.  Poor girl. I can’t even make up a back story for her because all I can think of is this:

cosby

Cooper

Cooper

I’d bet money that Cooper’s this year’s stoooooner dog. They probably told him to sit and he’s all, I’d rather kick back and light a J. When Timber’s getting all wound up Cooper will be the first to tell him to relaaaxxx.

Brooklyn

Brooklyn

QB1 in the HIIZZOUUUSEEEEE. Brooklyn’s got the focus and determination to lead his team to a championship. He also has the biggest ears on this planet that he constantly gets chirped about, so he’s developed the thick skin expected of the team’s ringleader.

Click here for full lineup!

PS: Could Boris be more #OverIt?

Boris

Okay, Okay I’m done I promise. Tune into the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet the day of the Super Bowl to see a bunch of puppies play with each other and a creepy ref interfere with bullshit calls. CLEAR EYES, FULL BLADDERS, CAN’T LOSE!

Standard
RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Pretty Mess”

bethanyerika

So this episode was super boring. This episode was so boring, in fact, that Rinna having a screaming case of mudbutt and healing with yoga the next morning was something they found worth mentioning. Seriously, more than once we had to hear about Rinna’s fiery buhhole. Why? Because there was nothing else going on.

Well—nothing else except everyone slobbering all over Erika Jayne. I hate to jump aboard the train but I think I actually love Erika now too. Ugh it killed me to type that sentence. I love her for very different reasons than the rest of the housewives. For example, after taking to the Google, Rinna is actually afraid of Erika’s sexual prowess. Lisa calls her a prude and Eileen has the most interesting reaction of them all. She’s definitely a little bit turned on and a whole lot jelly. I guess Eileen has some very powerful fantasies about being in porn or something because she can’t let it go and like she has a schoolgirl crush, finds every opportunity to bring it up. I wouldn’t be surprised to see that Eileen has Erika’s YouTube page bookmarked for private times. “It’s so cool, what Erika does. It’s everybody’s fantasy.”-Eileen exclaims to the girls, who reply with blank stares like Eileen just revealed her and Vince like to have sex in a pile of garbage. Gawd, Eileen tuck your boner up into your waistband.

When the much-anticipated goddess finally arrives, the ladies all accost her the second she walks in the door, like she’s the most popular girl at the slumber party, to smell her hair and ask her what her hashtags mean. Except there might be a little popularity contest between Bethany Frankel and Erika Jayne. Since the housewives are in NY/NJ territory, we’re forced to put up with Bethany. Kyle tells a dumb story about how they met over thousand-dollar eye makeup remover or something and will always sound like a dick no matter how hard she tries. Since they’ve been friends FOREVER we get to watch them exchange old stories and inside jokes that none of us will get. Gr8 TV. Then they stalk Erika’s insta because that’s what girls do when they’re about to meet someone.

Bethany stays super discreet about her bitchy activity. Just kidding, she shakes Erika’s hand and says welcome to my home, I just looked at every picture you’ve ever posted online and my favorite was the one with your fingers up your vagina with knuckle rings on. Way to bury the lead on that one, Bethany. While Bethany asks Erika if she wants a rim job, Eileen silently stews over who loves Erika more. No seriously, I thought she was going to stab Bethany to show Erika she’s the most loyal fan. Especially when Bethany went HAM SAMMICH on Erika’s brand and the production value of her music video. Here’s why I like Erika—she sat there and listened, then calmly stated her case and that was that. The dinner party went on and she looked like the better person, especially because she wasn’t wearing a Flax onesie like Bethany (which of course ripped when she was learning how to dance like a stripper. #Karma.) My love for Erika only grew when she brought up how awks the dinner party was the next day and said, “Is she being a bitch or is she just being -Insert long pause and sinister smile- JEALOUS?!”

But enough about EJ already, the other five minutes of the episode spent not focused on her were about Eileen’s affair and how uncomfy she was when Lisa asked a lot of questions about it. The lesson to be learned here is that Lisa is nosy AF with everyone and Eileen better acclimate or become the next Brandi. And on a final note, Yo recovers from her silicon removal and David is a super insensitive asshole when he ribs on the phone to Lisa in front of his sickly wife, “Ken has better tits now.” Aaand crickets. Followed by divorce.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Catching Flies

CAILA, BEN HIGGINS, KEVIN HART

Ben is suuuuper nice to everyone and caring and a gent. He also has the self-confidence of a crack-whore. Enough is enough. This guy is man candy and has a killer personality. If I have to hear the unlovable shtick one more time, I’m going to climb into Olivia’s gaping mouth and never resurface.

Group Date 1: Horny in High School

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

The date objective is to put the girls through high school again and make sure it’s sexual and suggestive. Duh. First up? Make Ben’s volcano explode. Jubilee is stuck with Lace, who she fondly refers to, as Lacey, and they both haven’t quite figured out what makes a volcano tick. They’re eliminated first (which fuels Lace’s hate fire.) Step two is bobbing for apples or I guess drowning in a fish tank with your mouth open. Can’t say I’ve bobbed for apples since I was six but this was an atrocious display of the sport. I don’t think your face needs to be submerged in the water to get the job done, ladies. The placing states on a map part is no joke. I can’t even make fun of how dumb the girls are because I 100% don’t know geography and would probably be the one to put Indiana sideways and count it as a new state like Becca and JoJo. The latter portions of the day are for athletic ability and unfortunately Mandi pulls out the W with a barefoot hurdles display. The less screen time we get of her, the better, really. Amber’s pezzed she’s runner up. Spoiler alert: Amber is pezzed this whole ‘sode. Cause she doesn’t belong on this show. But more on that later.

That night, Becca plays the cool girl routine and shoots some hoops with him in a tight lace dress. I almost wanted to date Becca after this. They touch all up on each other’s hands but surprisingly Jennifer gets the first smooch. NeWsFlAsH: Ben is an awkward bird when it comes to initiating kisses. This should be fun. It also turns out Lace just sounds like she’s drunk all the time. She slurs about how her and Ben are eye-banging as she white-knuckles his hand. Jubilee interrupts to talk about how she lived in an orphanage once and is rewarded for “opening up” with some kisses. To be clear, Lace never gets kissed. She does prove that she’s probably on mood stabilizers though, when she begins every sentence for the rest of the evening with “I’m not crazy.” You’re not hot enough to get away with this, Lace.

crazyhot

My girl JoJo gets the rooftop time with Ben and they mack all up on each other. Ben does this thing where he grabs at her back skin while he’s slow dancing/gazing at her and it’s real woof. Stick to the small of her back, Ben. JEEZE. Ben must’ve enjoyed his grip on her spine because he gives her a rose.

One-on-Ride Along: Caila

Ride Along 2 needs all the publicity it can get and therefore Ice Cube and Kevin Hart sponsor this date. They cruise on over to the liquor store so Ben can get some Hennessy and condoms. JK he’s straight outta Hoosiers so he probably just gets a 6 pack of Zima to Ice’s disappointment. There’s some hot tub times with Kevin Hart’s junk and a verrryyy uncomfy giggle from Ben and finally they cut loose from their network obligations. At their dinner later, Ben tells Caila that she made that promotional bit that counted as her date, rly fun. (To be clear: Kevin & Ice could not have been less funny if they tried.) Anyway, Caila tells the story about how she met her last boyfriend on a plane and then they ran into each other in Boston. #Fate. I lived in Boston for a year and never saw the same person in public twice so like I call bullshit. BUT it didn’t work out because their meet-cute was better than the actual relationship. Surprisingly, I don’t think Caila is a total moron and therefore I’m fine with her getting a rose. What I’m not fine with is the fact that they hired the guy whose song was once in an AT&T commercial to give them a private concert. This same commercial drove me bananas for as long as they ran it. I guess Amos Lee gets Ben all hot and bothered though because he sighs a lot and serenades Caila while they slow dance.

 

Group Date 2: Hope You Don’t Have Your Period (S/O to Lindsey)

Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda

Hey want to make girls feel like they’re dirt? Tell them they smell sour. Thaaaat’s the technology of Looooooveeeee! The girls, dressed in white booty shorts and camis, are tested by REAL “doctors” to see if they have chemistry with Ben. After he sticks his nose all up in their bits and searches for other adjectives for “sweet” to describe their funk, he pairs off with each chick in bed for some questionable heat-sensory tests. The “doc” tells Ben and Shush to put their hands on each other’s hearts. A twin exclaims, “HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER BOOB!” Really? You mean to tell me neither of these twins has told a guy to feel how fast her heart is beating just to get a boob grab outta the deal? Amateur hour. Turns out Sam stinks AND has the lowest compatibility, Olivia has the highest. She also quotes Charlie Sheen and won’t shut her big wide trap.

Now seems like an ideal time to address this week’s elephant in the room, or rather, gigantic face hole. Olivia apparently thinks it’s cute and fun to drop her jaw to the ground as her reaction to everything. It results in me feeling like I need to run for cover to escape her engulfing the world. It’s only been one episode of this shit and I already want someone to stick their finger in there and teach her a lesson.

Ben tries his best when he sticks his tongue in there. I imagine it gets lost in the cave that is Olivia’s mouth but whatever. We also learn that Shush came to this country with some bottles of vodka and the American dream. Samantha smells like passion fruit instead of sour vag—According to Ben hitting the spin zone to redeem himself for his earlier comments. And lastly, everyone has pictures of their dogs in the house and Amanda doesn’t even have pictures of her kids. This is concerning. Not to Ben cause he kisses her. He’s into moms enough to mention that he loves that she has kids but then when faced with the rose decision gives it to Olivia because boners.

Cocktails/Rose Ceremony:

Okay so this is where we learn that Amber sucks and does not belong on this show. She’s a normal person. She’s not aggressive or fame hungry enough to seek the attention of the Bachelor and therefore she sits in the corner crying about how she never gets any time with Ben. Girl, you did this EXACT THING last season you were on. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Step up your game, walk your chicken legs over to Ben and talk to him or kick rocks. You know who does have the balls to get more face time? Olivia. She drags her open mouth over to catch Ben along with some flies and he greets her like he’s stuck in a 1997 Budweiser commercial.

whassupp

Then it’s Lace vs. Olivia in the battle of manipulative minds. Lace finally snags Ben cause she’s convinced herself and everyone else that she’s never spoken to him and promptly tells him a fascinating story about how she used to look like this:

roseanne

Obviously she cries after because she’s the worst at flirting and definitely gave him a nice boner kill with that image. Ben gives Lauren B. a 4×6 of them that a producer had printed at Wal-Mart “to make her feel really special.” And lastly, Ben calls Amanda over to make some rose barrettes for her daughters that she doesn’t have photographic evidence of. What a sweetie. I guess he’s not LB’s type, though, because when he calls her out at the rose ceremony she says no thank you and heads home. Out of all the girls I wish would do this LB was pretty much dead last on the list. Three cheers for being rid of Mandi though!

Roses: JoJo, Caila, Olivia, Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, Jennifer, Emily, Haley, Jami, Lauren H, Shushanna, Amber(who only gets a rose because LB peaced. I think it’s only fair that Amber send a cut of her Bachelor paycheck to LB, weekly.)

Best Quotes:

“I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before.”- JoJo admitting she didn’t used to get horny for school but now…LOOK OUT!

“Jackie is not great with her mouth.” ROUGH.

“I’m not very smart.”-A twin. At least they’re self-aware.

Standard
Movies, Television

Golden Globes 2016 Recap

LEOISPERFECT

Our first Golden Globes post the Tina and Amy era and they were sorely missed. They weren’t even physically there to at least give us a glimpse of what we were missing. Ricky Gervais is famous for hosting the Globes a whole bunch of times and then getting fired because everyone had outrage over how mean his comedy was. And he certainly welcomed himself back without toning it down an inch last night. His first joke was about Caitlyn Jenner not doing a service to female drivers. Welp, someone actually died in that car accident so I’m gonna guess this one won’t go over so well but what a nice kickoff to the evening to see the uproarious crowd laughter for something so offensive. His monologue had a lot of jabs at females all around and he gave more than a few celebs the uncomfies. Good for him. His tendency to giggle at his own jokes and his British accent pretty much get him out of everything.

ricky

Full Discloszh: this recap may be missing a few things because my power went out mid-show like I live in a cabin out in the wilderness or something and I missed some action while the cable box slowly rebooted. The hardships I go through just to deliver a good recap. If the power tries to F with me again during Awards Season, National Grid is going to hear a thing or two from me.

Update: As of 11:21pm my power left me again only this time I was by myself and obviously convinced that someone cut it and was coming to kill me like I was Peyton Sawyer awaiting the wrath of Psycho Derek or something. #Blessed to be alive right now.

NO:

-The first bit of the night is Jonah Hill pretending to be the bear from The Revenant by making dumb jokes about honey while wearing a bear hat. It was bad on its own, but then half of it was bleeped out so what’s the fun in that? The only saving grace was hearing Channing “shitty comb over” Tatum ask Jonah what Leonardo Dicaprio tasted like.

 

-Rachel Bloom, lead actress of CW show “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” unexpectedly wins and basically just gets onstage and shouts a lot while her boobs struggle to be freed from her very tight dress. In a one-sentence summary, my friend Lindsey said, “That was something.”

640_rachel_bloom_504399818

-The Golden Globes have been happening for a while now. In which case I would assume they have had ample time to solve the seating chart sitch. There should be no waiting as winners walk from the back of the theater and weave their way through tables to get to the stage.

– Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney just had sex on a canvas and blasted pics of it everywhere but it must not have been that good because she didn’t even thank him in her speech. She was speechless though so that’s her excuse (as the music played her out.)

-It must’ve been a real rowdy crowd this year or someone in the control room got a little slap happy with the bleep but pretty much half of the show was cut out and the crowd was constantly being shushed like a classroom full of kindergarteners. Listen, I get that you’re trying to be family friendly but there’s a way to let the adults in the room insinuate what the joke is by bleeping out a word or two. I feel like I missed half the show (or at least the best parts) because of the over-censoring.

 

YES!:

-This dead guy.

-In a show where several presenters kind of just babbled and tried out new material that didn’t work so hot, Eva Longoria and America Ferrara nailed it with their bit about being confused for other Latina actresses. Accidental racism in Hollywood, it’s funny because it’s true.

-Jaimie Alexander (who was best dressed of the night, according to me) couldn’t read the teleprompter fast enough and asked who was typing it. This conjured up images of someone ferociously typing everything backstage and made me giggle. Also as a fellow shitty teleprompter operator–c’mon Jaimie. Act like a pro and adapt.

-A Schu & J. Law introduce clips of their movies AKA they just babble a bunch of words because Hollywood–and basic betches–are obsessed with their friendship so they could’ve pretty much done anything and people would eat that shit right up.

Screen Shot 2016-01-10 at 9.09.12 PM

-Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg wished us a Happy New Year with their eyewear and Will politely asked everyone to stop snickering and chatting & acting like real buttholes. This might’ve been the only time I laughed out loud. Quickest way to get a full belly laugh from me is the word butthole. True story of an eight-year-old boy stuck in a 24-year-old female’s body.

Screen Shot 2016-01-10 at 9.33.52 PM

-Don’t you even think of getting in Gaga’s way, Leo.

gagaleo

-Denzel wins the big award that is decided beforehand and his acceptance speech is still a hot mess. Bonus points for him and the wifey basically doing a sketch of my parents onstage though. He can’t find his speech, then he can’t read it because he doesn’t have his glasses. His wife can’t read it either because she doesn’t have her glasses. Welcome to the glasses shuffle every single time I try to show my parents something on my phone.

-Ryan Gosling drool city.

-Taraji wins for her role as Cookie and hands out cookies on her way up, which made me love her even more AND get real hungry. The sass comes out to play as she shouts at the guy helping her up the steps to get off her train. They try to play her off but they gonn’ learn that you don’t cut off Cookie. She takes her sweet ass time obviously.

-J.Law wants to be buried next to David O. Russell (Fun Fact.)

-LEO FINALLY WINS!!!!!!!! Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, Leonardo Dicaprio wins lead actor for The Revenant and of course gives a classy and composed speech, even as he’s being played off. The nerve that these turds had to play music over his long-awaited shining moment. He even found time to shout it out to his friends—~~YoU KnoW wHo u R~~ MD.BA.JL.JH

Screen Shot 2016-01-11 at 12.19.07 AM

-I feel like Ricky Gervais harassing Mel Gibson on stage should’ve been hilarious but we didn’t get to hear half of it. We did get to hear Ricky’s last words of the show: “From myself and Mel Gibson, Shalom.” PS this is what was bleeped and it made good ole Mel real uncomfy.

mel

 

In summary: If the Globes were this boring, I’m terrified for the Oscars.

Click here for full list of winners.

Standard
Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2016

Since I’m immature I still watch E’s red carpet (I assume everyone does) and this year’s highlights included Giuliana being the most awkward bird alive-as always. She did a weird light saber fight with the kid from Room, asked everyone uncomfy questions and tried to make it all about herself. On the other hand, we had Ryan Seacrest whose approach to red carpet chat was throwing celebs together whether they had met or not. The best pair being Jennifer Lawrence and Katy Perry. As Katy blubbered on, J.Law gave a polite smile while her eyes said that she hated Katy and her Jersey Shore trash hair.

WORST:

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This isn’t your time to shine girl. Take your bumpit and go home.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Mark Ruffalo with The Lovely Bones rape glasses.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I have a strong feeling that Kate Winslet has worn this dress before.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This dress doubles as a Mummy costume.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Curtains for the drawing room.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I’m beginning to believe that Maggie just plays into always wearing something hideous. She’s got to be in on the joke at this point.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

When will people learn that ruffles are never flattering.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sparkle trash bag

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This is a whole lot.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Please see my ruffles  comment above.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Not in love with the dusty pink and vag golden leaves.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

1 fish, 2 fish, red fish, blue fish.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Gina usually blows me away and this was just alright. But it does have pockets, which is every girl’s dream.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I hate all aspects of this dress. It looks like something Kacey Musgraves would wear with her honkin cowboy boots and a hat.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 10 Jan 2016

HOW did he get invited to this? Do you think he just stumbled upon the red carpet and starting throwing around finger gunz?! You just got HOFFED.

US-ENTERTAINMENT-GOLDEN-GLOBE-ARRIVALS

“This black dress is kinda boring, let’s glue a giant bow to the front”- a rich designer, probably.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The sequin overload is blinding and THEN there’s a cape.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

The glittery fire flames on her chest, though.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

What’s with the sparkle factory throw up trend?

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

My annoyance of Maria is no secret but is she for serious with this cleavage?

Golden Globe Awards 2016-Arrivals

I mean I don’t really need to see proof that Nancy O’Dell got a Brazilian before she hit the carpet.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This is a weird jumpsuit sitch.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I love a good crop coord but the matching choker ruined this whole deal. Also if this is what abs look like on a girl I’m fine not having them.

US-ENTERTAINMENT-GOLDEN-GLOBE-ARRIVALS

No thank you to the double breasted buttons

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I actually originally liked this look for JLo, you know cause her bits are covered and she still looks amahzing. But then my friend pointed out she looks like mustard and ketchup and now I can’t unsee it.

BEST:

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 10 Jan 2016

SHE’S 70. DAMN.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Lick.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Love a good blue suit.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Julianne is another one who always wears almost exactly the same dress but whatevs cause it ain’t broke.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I hated Michael B. Jordan when I was forced to watch him every week instead of Riggins on FNL. But he’s so fiery hot lately that I’ve forgiven him.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

J.Law can do no wrong.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

For the love of God, will somebody please give this man an award?

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Julia always brings the heat.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sassy patterned suit jacket.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 10 Jan 2016

She looks ***Flawless.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The red on red is working in Amy’s favor.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Classy and flattering for Queenie

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I don’t LOVE how flat this dress makes my #1 girl crush look, but I will never put her on the worst dressed. I just can’t.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

A.Schu is killin it

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Jenna looks like a dime, Channing’s piecy combover is really ruining things here.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sparkles that aren’t over the top

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Taraji is always fierce. Of course she has a cape.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Don’t know how to pronounce her name but she looks gorge.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Embodied kewl couple, she looks like a smoke, he’s wearing kicks with a tux.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

The only hot pink I saw and I’m INTO it.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This one threw me for a loop. Kirsten is looking goooood.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Oh, David. Your suit game is so on point.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – JANUARY 10: Actress Brie Larson attends the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 10, 2016 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

Brie looks like a golden goddess.

alancumming

Since I’ve been aggressively mean to his outfits in the past, here’s a nice look with sneaks that I basically own.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I actually really like this color on her and clearly she has the flat mid section for love handle cutouts, unlike myself.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Honestly all hail Sophia Bush.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Love the style and color of this gown.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sam Smith giving it to me with that scruff.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

America’s a skinny mini now!

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 10 Jan 2016

RED HOT.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Keeping it simple is usually the way to go.

US-ENTERTAINMENT-GOLDEN-GLOBE-ARRIVALS

This was a little surprising that Bob Odenkirk was keeping it spicy and trendy.

MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

US-ENTERTAINMENT-GOLDEN-GLOBE-ARRIVALS

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/4/16

HEY GUYS. Welcome to 2016. I took two weeks off from the JUice to properly shove Christmas cookies down my gullet and lay around in my PJs. ‘Cause that’s what the holidays are all about. You know what the holidays are NOT about? Having your family fat shame you and then suggest a weight loss competition. Thanks for ruining Christmas, G Family. Anyway, we’re back and better than ever exactly the same. New year, same Salty, yo.

1. Barstool is taking over the world, as they should.

I’ve been reading Barstool Sports since I was in high school (shout out to the bro-in-law for introducing me to the smut world at a young age)…and now I’m old. So it was pretty cool to see that this website and these bloggers that I’ve been fangirling over for so many years have taken steps to become a massive national brand. I didn’t know what blogging even was before Barstool, so ifso factso, they invented blogging. They’ve essentially been my source for news for the past 7 or 8 years, and I’m not even a little bit embarrassed to admit it. I can’t wait to see what they’ll do with an HQ in NYC and many more resources. But most of all I’m anticipating what will happen when they end up merely blocks away from Buzzfeed.

 

2. Yeah? Yeah.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that Making a Murderer quickly became that new hot shit over the holidays for Netflix binges. Although it’s not for everyone (there’s reading involved), I would highly recommend it not just for the juicy police corruption content–but more importantly for the accents and midwestern culture. I literally felt like Wisconsin was on another planet as I watched this–courtesy of my sister’s Netflix account because I am nothing if not a Grade A mooch. (Thanks Lexi) There’s nothing worse than having show FOMO. Start watching so we can LoL about Brendan Dassey giving a written criminal confession with the word “bombfire” in it togets.

3. Magic Mike 3 is a must-see. 

I’m kind of torn now. Do I like Channing’s original pony dance? Or do I like his wife reenacting it and forcing a lap dance on him where she pretends she has a big dick that she’s aggressively swinging at his face? I don’t know what to think. All I know is that was entertainment. Certainly triple makes up for Channing doing “Let it Go” and ruining my life forever. I can’t even see the screengrab of him as Elsa without getting it stuck in my head. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! WHEN WILL FROZEN DIE AWAY FROM ME FOREVER? PS nothing is more obvious that Lip Sync Battle has absolutely nothing to do with lip syncing anymore than having two professional dancers on the season premiere. Double PS: need a new host, stat.

Screen Shot 2016-01-08 at 8.26.50 AM

4. Fuller House is a real tease.

These new pics were released because Netflix is going to milk the shit out of owning the Full House comeback. As they should. What have we learned from these stills that we don’t already know? Kimmy’s style has evolved from a light up dress and neon socks to cat cardigans from Urban Outfitters. Steph dresses like a hooch. And DJ looks like a kewl mom. And of course, good to see that they couldn’t buy a bigger couch to fit the rest of the fam on when they come to visit probably every day. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Danny lives in the attic apt and Joey still lives in the basement. Jesse and Becky have a mansion elsewhere, obviously. They’ve served their time sleeping on a bed that folds up to the wall.

5. Queen B usurps her Halftime Throne. 

BEY

It has been confirmed that Bey will grace us unworthy ones with her presence at the SuperBowl halftime show with Coldplay. I don’t think I need to remind anyone how epic her halftime show was in 2013. As if we didn’t already know how big of a deal Beyonce is, they somehow got her to appear during Channing’s “lip sync” of Who Run the World for .2 seconds, flip her hair, do one booty shake and abruptly leave. That’s how little Spike TV can afford Queen B. So you can imagine what it might cost for her to casj drop by the SuperBowl. Anyway, I’m officially excited for this year’s halftime show…I will be 1000% less excited if the rumors that Bruno Mars is also popping in are true. Don’t ruin a good thing.

Standard
RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Hamptons, 90210”

hamptons

The ladies first group trip of the season means many things, but most importantly, it means watching them all pack as if they’re limited to space for clothes and shoes when half of them travel on a private plane. Kyle’s up first and she unearths garments from her overstuffed closet that looks like the sale rack at Forever 21 and naturally the rack collapses BECAUSE NOTHING IN KYLE’S LIFE GOES RIGHT. Lil Portia sits 2 feet away blowing on her fresh mani and laughing at her mom. What a little twat monster. Lisa packs one of her 300 pink fedoras while Ken watches. What is it that Ken does? I feel like he’s been following Lisa around this season and it’s time for him to get a hobby other than stroking Giggy and gossiping about Kim Richards. Eileen and Vince bicker when he finds out that one of her dresses/robes/mumus(?) was $500. Considering Vince only scrapes in $600 betting on horses this doesn’t bode well. HOWEVER Vince is wearing a Saratoga Springs tee, REPRESENT. See you this summer Vincey, when you win a couple dollar bets at the track.

Erika doesn’t get to packing right away, because she’s busy making up a bunch of names. She walks around her property with Laia (her executive assistant) who, from what I can tell, gets paid to follow Erika around with a notepad and scribble stuff down. One of her muy importante notes is to call Zona. No seriously, that was a name. Laia and Zona. What a cast of characters. And the biggest character of them all? Mikey—Erika’s resident “Pat the Puss” enthusiast and also professional packer. As a sassy gay friend and choreographer he fulfills his duty of throwing body suits around and shouting that he’s over it. I can’t put my finger on it but I know Mikey from somewhere. Was he in Darryn’s Dance Grooves? I need to get to the bottom of this. Anyway, the messiah that he is suggests a sheer skirt for Erika’s Hamptons trip in case she wants her vag to get some breeze action. Mikey knows what’s up.

Since doing absolutely nothing to pack was exhausting, Erika pops off for lunch with Mr. Girardi so they can talk about how they have two private planes, a small one for ‘Merica and a big one for Europe, because you can’t have just one. And then lookie here, the LAPD Chief strolls in just to say hello and grab some screen time. But actually, he walks up, says hello then walks away. But oh what a segue that provided for Erika to gush about how she knows the Chief of Police. La-di-dah.

If you ever wonder how the other half lives just cruise on over to Philly at the QVC studio for Rinna’s wild times modeling some shearling jackets and chunky sweaters. AND THEY SELL OUT. What, at QVC, sells out? I thought QVC existed solely to give Joel McHale weekly material for The Soup. Anyway, before Rinna could strut her shit and talk about jacket seams, we had to see that she chums with mad clothing designers. For example, a guy named Dennis, who brags about designing all the gowns in Nicky Hilton’s wedding and screams I love you a lot. With a flip of his aviators he’s gone and Isaac Mizrahi appars in his place. The most I know about Isaac is that he used to be in the Target commercials. So I’m not particularly impressed.

And then there’s my precious YoYo, who prepares for her boobalicious surgery in the cutest little blue leather jacket, white pant combo I’ve ever laid eyes on. She poetically describes how fortunate she is to be rich and afford this surgery and losing her monster boobs doesn’t matter at all because health comes first. It was a very poignant speech that was ruined in .2 seconds when David honka-honka’s her soon to be bye-bye rack and talks about how much he’s going to miss it. God, David, YOU PIG.

Then the most hilarious thing on this earth happens when Yolanda’s Dr arrives wearing a loudly patterned top and matching beret/chef hat. She screeches, “Am I a 10, or WHAT?!” JK she didn’t do that but she midas whale have with how ridiculous that outfit was for several hours of surgery. Since we’re on the topic of judging others, can we talk about how jelly I am that Gigi looks that flawless when abruptly woken up with Facetime? I could be camera ready and still look like Queen Woofie on extreme close-up Facetime. Anyway, I take back everything I said last week. I rarely go take backsies but I would rather watch Rinna get her taco waxed than get all up in Yolanda’s implant surgery as it’s happening. If I missed any portion of Yo bleeding out from her chest though, I guess I could just check up on the nurses’ instaG. You know, the professional nurse who had her phone out snapping pics of Yo sliced open on the operating table.

And while Yo loses 20 lbs in leaking boobs, everyone gathers in the Hamptons, but not all at one place. Kyle & Eileen get to the hotel first and can’t sleep—because as much as they want to pretend they’re young and hip, they clearly can’t hang. So no biggie, they just go right ahead and rent a house. AKA Mauricio does all the dirty work and they just trot on over to their new digs for some 11AM shut eye. Obviously Lisa no likey because she is the star this weekend and instead of drooling all over her cover girl life, her friends peaced out. Rinna shows up to the rented house because she can’t stay in a hotel room without scrubbing it down with alcohol wipes like Charlie Sheen recently stayed there. Then they all put on their borderline skankiest white dresses, nips out, and enjoy poolside cocktails with a side of passive aggressive chit chat, to be continued next week of course.

Standard