RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Ciao, Tuscany!”

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Do you feel like enough time has passed since last season’s reunion where Kyle and Kim went at each other’s throats? I don’t. I don’t think enough time will ever pass to make that any less uncomfy. We’ll have to get over it because there may only be one Richards sister on this season (so far) but the dirrty family laundry continues to be aired. This week’s installment is the impending nuptials of Nicky Hilton. You know, Paris’s sister. She’s getting married at a palace in London, cause she’s a Hilton. And Kyle has been uninvited to the wedding. Why? BECAUSE KATHY SAYS SO. And what Kathy says, goes. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Kathy is not thrilled about how her sisters have been muddying the family name on reality TV as she watches in her Ivory Hilton tower, but that’s neither here nor there. To reiterate: I’m on Team Kathy. Cause if you’re not on Kathy’s side you’re disinvited from the wedding event of the season. Kyle finds a way to weasel her way back onto Kathy’s good side and get invited to the wedding again. Except the rest of her family can’t come. BOLD. Apparently Portia’s in the wedding and Kyle can go but everyone else can kick rocks. When Lisa tries to point out how bananas this is, Kyle’s like it’s nobody’s biz, shut the hell up. Except she’s made it our biz..so0oo0o…that comment has about as much validity as saying that I was almost a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

Speaking of Angels, momma of the newest to be winged (and my ferocious girl crush) Yolanda, is still struggle city this episode and it breaks my little heart. Yo goes in for a procedure to take all the metal out of her mouth because it might be adding to her illness but she’s not really sure. The surgery looks like the WORST and she feels like she’s choking and can’t breathe but don’t you fret because David to the rescue! Foster rolls in mid-procedure to grab her hand and kiss her numb, gaping mouth. At the end, he seals the deal of best hubs ever by making a groan worthy joke to the doc about if they can have sex right away. Ugh. David. If I were Yo I probably would’ve already had the papers drawn at that point. I’m actually surprised he didn’t wheel a piano into the operating room and request that the nurses sing backup like one of their dreadful dinner parties.

Husband of the year should probably go to Harry after the amount that Rinna tosses her mom haircut around to attract attention to her new diamond earrings. “Guess who got these for me?” she goads to her daughters and when they stare at her cluelessly she exclaims, “HARRY HAMLIN!” I feel like “dad” could’ve sufficed in this scenario rather than using government names with the children they made together. I’m going to assume Rinna doesn’t get a lot of lavish gifts with the way she’s put up a billboard about these earrings. Or she does and she acts like this every time, in which case I might need a breather from Rinna. JK she’s one of the realest on the show. I need to keep her in my pocket.

Rinna & Eileen (whose existence on this season so far is to mourn the loss of her father in law Dick Van Patten) act like compassionate humans and visit Yolanda in her white plushy den of illnesses. Yolanda lies on a white bed in a white robe awaiting her lady callers. The girls take their time to snoop around Yo’s new place looking at pictures and into medicine cabinets that would be an absolute goldmine for a drug dealer with the wall-to-wall pills Yo’s been stashing. Rinna reveals that her daughter has a monster crush on Anwar Hadid. Who doesn’t—amirite?! I would kill for a setup of these two for an awkward on-camera tween date. I live for that shit. PLS make it happen, Andy. That’s all I want for Christmas. Anyway, the gals all sit down and talk about colonics and being full of shit. Eileen’s sister died after being sick for a while so she’s really feeling for Yolanda. These two seem genuine and have actually been supportive of Yolanda on camera.

Turds 1 and 2, otherwise known as Lisa and Kyle—on the other hand…are on an economy vacation. HAHA. LoLz. Kyle and Co. are just yachting all over Italy and about to meet up with Lisa and Ken in a Tuscan villa. Kyle’s yacht is bigger than anything I’ve ever lived in and this is essentially just their vacation transportation. Typical. An extra hearty snicker for Kyle talking about going shopping in Florence and then adding at the end: I also want to check out the museums. Mauricio literally laughs right in her grillpiece at how fake that statement was. Mauricio shouldn’t be laughing though because he’s the kind of asshole vacationer who NEEDS to show off his knowledge of other languages at every chance he gets. ARRIVEDERCI he shouts in a haughty voice as he pops into his Ferrari to drive to the villa.

For what it’s worth (nothing), the “Butler” at the villa doesn’t even know how old it is when Kyle asks so he’s obviously a hired Italian actor. Lisa and Ken arrive to the “many many years old” villa after shouting at their Italian Uber to turn up the AC cause it’s not like it’s BOILING in the backseat or anything. They also spent the ride throwing shade at Yolanda for once calling the Amalfi Coast a chore. To be fair, that’s an asshole thing to say…but so is Ken pointing out that Kyle only wears mu-mu’s. Ken is turning into quite the little catty bitch for someone whose about to be 70 years old. SEVENTY. AS IN MY GRANDMA’S AGE. I thought people stopped giving an F when they got that old. Take a page from my Gammy’s book, Ken. Play peaknuckle with your buds once a week, eat dinner at 4:30 and take advantage of all senior citizen discounts. Stop worrying about the fashion and makeup preferences of your wife’s friends.

rarri

Anyway, Ken probably gets put down for his afternoon nap while Lisa and Kyle take the ‘rarri out for a joyride in the Italian countryside because they’re rich and we’re not. Then they spend a significant amount of time piling it on Yo again because they’re the worst and they can. Kyle does what she does best and makes Yolanda’s illness about herself. Apparently when Kyle’s mom died she was convinced she had a disease but it turned out to all be mental and related to her depression. Cool story, Kyle. Let Yolanda try to find a cure and stop chirping her for not wearing eyeliner.

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