RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Horsing Around”

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Just cause we haven’t seen enough of the lavish European vacation; we kick off last night’s episode with Kyle and Lisa shopping in Italy. Kyle LOVES shopping in Europe because she likes telling people they can’t buy the same top as her unless they yacht to the Italian coast. What a twat. From the looks of it, they’re shopping on the Ponte Vecchio. To put things in perspective for us peasants, I studied abroad in Florence and the only time I walked across the Ponte Vecchio (the bridge of gold and expensive jewels) was to get to my favorite pizza place. In fact, I bought all the men in my family memorabilia covered in the statue of David’s dick. Now THAT’S how you shop in Florence.

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We also get a rare peek into Eileen’s lair, formerly known as a 65 year old’s cluttered attic. We see what Eileen is like in the morning after she’s had a cup of coffee and I would never want to have a sleepover with this bitch. Chipper city. Also what was the point of Eileen decluttering her house when she still LOST AN IPAD IN IT. She quite literally hid her iPad from her son and now CAN’T FIND IT in her trunk show that is a home. While trying to yip yap post-caffeine surge to her husband and son, Eileen teaches us all a little something when she says, “I don’t know what it is about men and boys, they can’t hear a female voice.” Eileen isn’t stupid. That’s scientific fact. Men physically are deaf to women. It’s been tested.

And of course, for your latest installment of pointless dinners specifically for nasty-other-cast-member gossip, Rinna, Eileen and Kyle gather. This dinner’s plot twist? Both Eileen and Rinna are wearing leopard. OMGAW flashback to when Brandi and Rinna matched in leopard. Moral of the story, it’s time for Rinna to declare the rule ala Mean Girls that no one else in the group can wear leopard print. It would be downright embarrassing if this happened a third time. Anyway, there’s some fodder about Kim escaping from rehab, which makes me laugh out loud to think of a woman who regularly tweeted “I love turtles”, devising a plan to snake her way out. Kyle feels bad talking shit about Kim so she shifts the topic to Yolanda, so can bring up her theory of depression again to a fresh set of ears. Just call her Dr. Richards. Boom. Yolanda is diagnosed and probably cured.

Speaking of morons doing moron things, Lisa and Rinna take a private jet to Ohio so that they can wear cowboy hats in the Midwest and look like a couple of assholes. En route, Lisa says she has her 4:45 AM face on and guess what? It looks like the face she has painted on at every other hour of the day. #IWokeUpLikeThis. I never ranked Lisa as a dum dum but when she asked if Ohio was expecting a hurricane I was stunned. Then she rolled the window down in the middle of a rainstorm and was surprised when water came pouring into the limo. New discovery: Lisa is real stupid. It also turns out the mini horse is super chunky and has a bum leg…probably from trying to support all that weight. They jet back without the horse that will most likely be sent to the glue factory. T’s and P’s for Rosebud. (That was her name right? Who knows. It was wearing a pink tutu to distract from its dead leg.)

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Side note: Rinna has a kickass leather jacket collection. I want all in on that.

FINALLY we get a new character. Erika Girardi makes her colorful debut as Yolanda’s “friend.” They do something with IV’s (all YoYo does anymore) where Erika tells us, ‘”I’m 44 years old but I look great.” I can already tell she’s going to be fun to recap. THEN we get more back-story. Erika was a cocktail waitress and married her customer, a famous lawyer (ala Erin Brockovich) who happens to be twice her age. She calls him Mr. Girardi and it’s SO creepy. Lotta Anna Nicole Smith comparisons to be drawn with this one. Girl also has an alter ego named “Erika Jane”. Alter ego Erika is someone who belongs in a Vegas strip club but APPARENTLY has topped the billboards several times with dance jams. Bravo is really filling the void left behind by Carlton’s sexual prowess. Erika throws on a see-through onesie and practices her writhing choreography that is very popular in the Red Light District. I’m rubbing my hands together with glee for what’s to come with Erika once she meets all her newly hired gal pals and alcohol is in the mix!

And since we haven’t quite celebrated it enough, Ken’s 70th birthday deserves a lavish English tea decorated for a woman. Lisa’s party trick is leaving a tree of extravagant hats at the entrance and making the ladies try to kiss each other’s cheeks by way of hat brims. They CAN’T EVEN and it’s hilarious. A party is the perfect occasion for the ghosts of housewives past to remind us that they’re still alive. Taylor’s moving back cause Real Housewives of Denver never really took off. Camille also rolls through and we didn’t get to see nearly enough of her.

Instead they focus on Taylor and her big honking mouth as she shouts about how she “likes” Yolanda’s instas out of pity but really is exhausted with her posts. Hey Taylor, it’s called unfollow. Stop trying so hard to be relevant. Kyle draws attention to her hat and lipstick combo no less than 10 times and Lisa gives a dirty toast to Ken referring to his current age. If I was Pandora I would jump off a bridge at my parents joking about 69’ing each other at dad’s birthday dinner.

It starts to rain and god forbid it rain when everyone is wearing hats…Kyle takes the rain as a sign to liven things up and suddenly all the girls are in the pool. It’s nips out for the boys because the ladies are all conveniently free-boobin’ it in white dresses. Lisa complains about this impromptu swim ruining her classy high tea and YET her hot pink thong is out to play. In the end, Ken is pushed in the pool and I literally thought he was dead. I gasped as he lie there lifeless for a second before all the bitches in see through dresses surrounded him and bounced around like a scene straight out of the Playboy mansion. Except everyone’s super old, not just Hef (or in this case, Ken…who as it turns out, survived his near drowning.)

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