Christmas has arrived, everyone…the Bachelor contestants have been released with their idiotic bios and their Lifetouch yearbook portraits like presents we get to unwrap early! JOY TO THE WORLD! Let’s judge them and predict favorites…
In the spirit of ABC going on it’s 20th season of strangers fighting for a man’s love on camera, they’ve decided they can pretty much do whatever the F they want–as we saw last Bachelorette with the 2 woman showdown for the title. Thus allowing producers to cast two girls we’ve seen before…which seems a whole lot like cheating. Naht my problem these girls didn’t find love the first time…therefore I’ve placed both ladies at the bottom of the list on principle.
Amber was on Farmer Chris’s season and was so riveting the first time around that this is what I wrote about her after the premiere:
Props for getting a colorist but other than that she’s still a bartender and her bio still straight up put me to sleep. Enough is enough, Amber. Please find something else to do with your time and stop coming back for sloppy seconds on this franchise.
Obviously Becca made it to the finale with Chris. She’s cute and southern and pure but like other than that…here’s my first impression from Becca last Bachelor season:
So three cheers for ABC bringing back two boring duds. Out of the two though, I’m leaning toward Becca cause: “Biggest date fear: Having stomach issues and clogging up a toilet, a la Dumb and Dumber.” Lolz, toilet humor.
The girl named after a crown has only one thing on her mind: CHICKENS. Her occupation is “Chicken Enthusiast”, her guilty pleasure is holding random chickens and she couldn’t live without her chickens. No seriously, she referred to chickens three times. Hey, Tiara, we get it. You’ve got a bird fetish and therefore you’re weird. Get outta here. I also find it lolworthy that she loves touching chickens but IS AFRAID OF DOGS.
Look I was all for treating these two as separate human beings despite the fact that ABC is using them as a plot twist. But I kid you not, their occupation was listed as “Twin” AND they’re wearing the same shirt in the above photos…therefore they will now be treated as one. These bitches are fresh out of college (assuming they went to college) and looking for a husband. Find your chill. They were cheerleaders in Las Vegas. Bai.
Jessica is an accountant from Florida and to be honest that’s about all I took from her bio. Snooze city.
I’m sure Mandi’s a great gal but I took one look at this picture and the fact that she describes her “legs for days” and all I could think of is that leggy lesbian Faith from Unreal. And that’s a comparison I’m not ready to overcome.
I’m not even quite sure how to approach this name. Is it a cute way of spelling Lacy? Is it literally just the fabric Lace? Who knows. What we do know is that via an embarrassing story, we learned that Lace doesn’t know how to flush a toilet. Cause one time she dropped a deuce then invited a guy over and he found it. And they laughed about it apparently. Yeah, ok. First date dumps always lead to a big giggle fest.
Amanda hails from “Rancho Santa Margarita”, which is absolutely a lie you tell a creeper hitting on you when you’re drunk. Oh where am I from? I’m from a little town named Blue Cheese Mimosa. You’ve never heard of it? Weird. Amanda also has two kids. So her vagina is twice ruined and she’s only 25. Lastly she’s wearing her belt over her jeans.
Leah twerked in her interview and wants to be a mermaid. Basically she’s doubly unoriginal. And that purple onesie makes her look like Barney. NEXT.
Breanne took a 30th birthday trip to NYC BY HERSELF. That sounds RLY fun. She’s adapted the Tyra Banks “smize” and her goals for this season of the Bachelor were to become a #PowerCouple with Ben. Everything about Breanne already annoys me. I feel like she’s probably a less hot version of Britt.
Jennifer would choose to be a dolphin for their sex habits…this raises a red flag for me. Her reasoning is because they’re the only animal that has sex for pleasure but all I’m thinking is the fact that dolphins rape each other and people a lot. Do you see how this can be concerning, Jennifer? She also loves tanning in the nude so she’ll have a wild side I’m guessing.
I get that there are roughly 100 Lauren’s this season and LB is probably just trying to differentiate herself but it FEELS a little like she’s stepping on LC’s toes here. LC is a thing. LB isn’t. LB once went on a date in a Nepal jungle (casual) also would want to be a dolphin. What’s the fascination with dolphins here, ladies? (If I’m being less judgmental LB is pretty and seems chill as hell but I’m here to point out the weird stuff first.)
Just like Juelia from last season, people who spell their name like assholes immediately feel my wrath. Unnecessary vowels inconvenience me in recaps. Maegan followed up her silly spelling by being a cowgirl who loves to play grab ass at bars and owns a mini horse that she often kicks it with. She could be hilarious. She also could be wildly obnoxious. We’ll have to see how she toes the line.
As if you couldn’t tell from this headshot, Olivia is a news anchor. Her guilty pleasure is french fries. A guilty pleasure is watching every holiday movie that Hallmark releases each year. Omg Olivia, it’s so embarrassing that you secretly love french fries.
Caila has a tattoo of the Hawaiian islands on her hip. Her ideal amount of children would be 3 because they would fit in her car. Supes practical. She hates guys who swear and that’s why she’s on the lower end of the list. My truck driver mouth doesn’t approve.
Jubilee’s bio made me laugh out loud when they asked what type of music she liked and she said, “Country music. Don’t judge me LOL!”
Laura can’t live without key lime pie. Seems odd.
Nothing excites me about Samantha. She’s an attorney from Florida and fears awkward silence on a date. ZzzzZzz I fear that she’ll put me to sleep on a date.
Jackie’s gonna be the one to stay fit while living in the mansion and crush everyone at physical competitions. She’s a runner with no regrets.
Lauren H, 25
Fingers crossed the Lauren’s drop like flies the first night otherwise these recaps will be a nightmare. This Lauren is already kissing ass before even getting to the mansion. She said she would love to be Chris Harrison for a day. She also pinterests wedding ideas at work so she’s got a little bit of the crazy.
Another bartender, in her bio, Jami admits to be an “inexperienced” lover. Essentially she just painted a shiny virginal target on her back before even having the chance to get too much champagne in her and confess it to a bunch of strangers. C’mon girl…know how to play the game.
Lauren R, 26
If Lauren R. could have lunch with any three people she would choose Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake..in that order. At least big J got the first invite. Do you think Jesus and Michelangelo are the type to go for lunch brews and then go back to work? Cause JT fo sho would. Lauren R also looks like she’s not wearing pants above.
Izzy’s pretty normal. She dabbled in 50 shades of Grey but doesn’t normally read, loves Tay & Beyonce oh and her family vacations when she was young consisted of chartering a private yacht around the Virgin Islands. Ho hum, just a normal girl like me and you.
Shush will be easy to point out because she’s a smokeshow mathematician named Shushanna. I like when people stand out and make my recaps easier. Unfortunately other than those facts she’s not real spicy.
Lauren B, 25
Not only are there 100 Laurens, but there are 2 Lauren B’s. DRAMA. This LB is a flight attendant who crushes mimosas and brunch (and probably yoga, iced coffee and Netflix.) She’s the most basic of white bitches and I would probably be fast friends with her if we ever met.
Rachel right here is my gurrrrlll. She’s the first one I’ve seen own up to being unemployed. PREACH! As a fellow participant of #Funemployment I immediately identified with her. She sealed the deal of our love affair by saying if she could be any animal she’d be the cookie monster and eat a bunch of cookies. Which is essentially all I do while I’m unemployed. I hope she makes it to the finals but if she doesn’t, I hope even more that she calls me so we can kick it.
Joelle goes by Jojo. GET OUTTT RIGHT NOWWW, IT’S THE END OF YOUUU AND MEEE. JoJo can make a 3 leaf clover with her tongue (hear that, Ben?) and wants more than anything to be a part of Tay’s squad. Same, girl., same. She reads a lot of self help books so she probably knows how to go after what she wants and obviously she’s a dime. I feel like she’s going to be a strong contender in the competition.
Well there you have it. T’s & P’s for this season of The Bachelor. Tune in January 4th for the no doubt 5 hour premiere event and visit the full cast bios here.