Chad’s Last Stand

The boys gather to toss Chad’s protein powder into the wind and Wells is the lead spokesperson? Huh? Has Wells said anything since he almost passed in his firefighter suit? James Taylor plays his guitar of course. And Even declares, “Chad has been eliminated by Alex.” Not confident he knows how the show actually works. Daniel lets Chad back in the house so the bros can form a circle around him like a captive audience nommin on cereal to hear all about his date. This ends in Chad and Jordan getting into a handshake fight. No seriously, I stopped listening but I know that there was a squeezed handshake and some power staring. 1, 2, 3, 4 I DECLARE A THUMB WAR. Chad spin moves out of the house and that’s all he wrote for the best character in Bach history. What a disappointing departure after all that whistling build up. The boys embrace Alex like he’s the MVP including cupcakes, party hats and a sparkler. These guys have WAY too much time on their hands.

Cocktail Party

Chase gets in a bubble with JoJo and it’s seriously pointless. Until JoJo flatlines Chase with one bump and that brings me pure joy. James F(?) Who has done nothing of substance for the past four weeks, read a poem to JoJo that was super dumb and she teared up. The mystery is solved, JoJo can absolutely cry on demand. There is no way that poem elicited emotion in her. Alex cuts his soliloquy off, which is almost as embarrassing as James F getting tossed immediately after writing prose for JoJo. Jordan saves the day with a quick toss of JoJo against the wall for a steamy makeout sesh, harlequin novel style to the soundtrack of mystery music. Evan spends the entire first half of the episode talking about Chad and the void that he’s left behind. It’s almost as if his only existence on this show was to antagonize Chad and then he questioned who he even was once Chad peaced outta that B. Side note: HOW IS HE STILL HERE?!

Roses: Jordan, Alex, Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James T, Evan

Punta Del Este, Uruguay. Three cheers for the travel budget because “ORAGUAI WE’RE COMIN BABY!”-The guy with the horizontal line of hair across his forehead.

Thank God they showed us the cartoon plane flying from PA to Uruguay otherwise I would’ve literally never known where it was in the world.

Let’s Seal the Date with Jordan

The two love birds yacht it up and swim amongst seals, which seems pretty lame. I’m not asking them to go to an island of sea pigs and let them assault you, but if you’re going to be surrounded by adorbs seals, why not play catch with them too?

Back at the GRAND hotel, which in Robby’s words IS pretty grand. Vinny and his wannabe JT fedora trades in his binocs that he used to creep on Jordan/JoJo for a few gossip rags. Once they’re all done being jelly and comparing Jordan to Chad because he got a one on one and they didn’t, they start reading InTouch cover to cover. Apparently JoJo’s ex Chad, who you’ll recall sent her roses during her home visit with Ben, did a quickie tell all that said they were dating at the time she was filming last season. The bros are in uproar about JoJo still being in love with her ex. Don’t these morons know that nothing is true until it’s published in People? Bible. Also this was 100% planted because producers realized there was no story without the Chadbear. Always need a Chad to keep things interesting.

And on the date, playing with the very obviously written rumors theme, JoJo “met” one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends who warned her that he sucks at relationships and she needs to address it with him. How’s that possible when she meets the suitors during filming and can’t communicate with the outside world? Oh yeah this show is fake. My B. Jordan says he never cheated but he liked flirting with chicks. He confirms that he was immature and he’s ready now to get married to someone he doesn’t know. JoJo whines DON’T BE MAD AT ME because she tried to get to know him and build trust. Definitely something she should be apologizing for. He gets rosed.

Afterward, producers are like how’s your date? Who cares, here’s a slanderous story from your ex-boyfriend that we’ve given to the contestants to simmer with and confront you about. JoJo cries a lot and says he’s manipulative and an overall terrible person. She sobs real hard to the boys that she’s here for the right reasons. They’re all like OMG WE WOULD NEVER DOUBT THAT. K, whatevs.

I Can’t Sand to Be Away From You with Luke Derek Chase Evan James Vinny Grant Wells Alex

The crew goes sand surfing, which actually looks really fun despite how gross and dirty sand is. The boys might as well be shouting JoJo WATCH THIS!! as they try tricks and flips in the sand to show off their mad skillz. Evan fears another gushing nose because he can’t handle life without bleeding out. Later they all use their one on one time to talk about this dumb planted InTouch story. Also apparently Alex hates Derek now and calls him an insecure little bitch for telling JoJo that he feels that their relationship needs validation. Literally what has Derek done to deserve such miniature-strength hate. Derek gets the rose.

Love is Within Our Reach with Robby

JoJo plays with a strange dog on the beach and I could honestly watch her play with this dog for the rest of an episode rather than have to watch Robby pretend he likes girls. They go around the city or something and jump off a cliff together and make out in a cave.

Robby tells a tale of how his best friend drove off a bridge a year ago. It inspired Robby to drop his girlfriend, move and quit his job. Seems pretty rash kind of like telling a girl he loves her like 1 week after meeting her. He does that though. And I curl into a ball of cringez. Her reply is “thank you so much”..and a rose.

Alex and Chase gang up on Derek about how he got his rose, Chad style. No but really. Give it a rest, Alex. You’re moment to shine has passed, the minute your feet dangled from the couch.

Cocktail Party (Naht.)

Derek takes the boys (Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan) outside to tell them they’re acting like a high school clique. Alex tells him he’s being sensitive. Yes that’s right, the guy who made it his mission to go after Chad and wah-wah about everything he did, is calling someone else sensitive. This is so dramatic and lame. Thumbs down for everyone included in this man pow-wow. Joke’s on the high school kiddies because there’s no cocktail party…so that we can get back on track with one rose ceremony an episode HOPEFULLY.

Roses (again): Jordan, Derek, Robby, Luke, Chase, Alex, James, Wells

Evan cries. Grant’s ass looks good in his suit. Vinny cries. (about his hair?)

But really though, Byebyebyebyebyeeeeee Evan!