Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette-Milk is Delicious

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We left off last night with C. Harrison telling Chad to straighten out the dramzies. I think my favorite part about soundtracking is that all an editor needs to do is add in some unsettling music and suddenly it looks like Chad is stalking in to smash skulls. Instead he approaches the bros and smoothes everything over (says he’s not doing anything wrong and tells everyone to agree with him) then goes outside to play with his noodle. Pool noodle, ya pervs. Because that’s right, it’s POOL PARTY TIME!!! JoJo’s like screw the cocktail party, I just wanted to get loose with my guys in a sloppy Vegas style pool party. They rip shots and the guys all pop boners and WOOOO when JoJo loses her crochet cover-up. Not to be a total Chad, but seriously, have these guys ever seen a hot chick in a bikini before? Fake-out one of the night comes when Evan dives into the pool and comes up with a bloody nose. Instead of shouting in a panic “EVAN YOU’RE BLEEDING!!!” like we were led to believe by the previews for tonight’s epi, JoJo’s like LOL you’re bleeding Evan. Ugh, you tricky tricky bastards. All I wanted was a Chad/Evan showdown. I would’ve settled for Evan just being pushed in the pool unexpectedly but noooooo. Evan makes a big show of declaring that he’s not afraid of Chad, which we all know, means he’s terrified and probably locks his door at night and gets panic attack nosebleeds whenever Chad is near.

In other news, JoJo cuddles right up to Jordan and confesses she’s scared of her chemistry with him. She then shoves her legs basically inside of him. Girl, you can’t get any closer unless he’s penetrating you. They thigh touch a whole lot and talk about how much they like each other. Jordan’s going to ‘splode if she keeps this up before the fantasy suites.

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Rose Ceremony

Chase, Evan, James Tay, Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Daniel, Alex, Chad

I Like You Very Mush with Luke

ABC continues their streak of giving the ladies DIRT travel budgets and the first trip is Pennsylvania. PENN-SYL-FUCKING-VANIA. Sorry for the cursing, Dad. Not sorry for shitting on this trip. As Luke is leaving for his date, Vinny tells him, “We’ll miss you very mush.” GOOD ONE VINNY! I can tell why JoJo is keeping you around. Don’t ever lose that killer sense of humor!

Luke and JoJo take a dogsled ride into a random field, where, you guessed it! There’s a hot tub waiting for them. Except this isn’t a Ben Higgins model, plopped in a forest. This is a country wood-fired hot tub and Luke better get to choppin if they want to take a dip. I had high hopes that this would be a Win a Date with Tad Hamilton flashback but it was way underwhelming. Lose the shirt before the chop and we’ll talk.

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The hot tub water looks like a murky swamp and yet they both strip down and can’t wait to become immersed in those diseases. JoJo in typical girl fashion demands that Luke make it really hot then burns her limbs off stepping into the tub. Hey JoJo, that’s what really hot feels like. A gent through and through, Luke dangles JoJo above the water until she stops being a baby bitch and can handle the temp. Swoooonnnn. Once in the water, Luke says in his slow ass voice, “Sometimes hot tubs are too hot.” And my swooning comes to an abrupt halt. JoJo climbs into his lap because girl is all about the lap sit. He probably pokes her with his boner but it goes away real quick when JoJo tells Luke he doesn’t look like a rugged man. What a dig. YIKES Luke, tell me those words won’t live with you for all of eternity.

JoJo makes up for it later when she asks Luke how he got so confident and sexay. She really goes for the hard-hitting Q’s. His best friend was killed in Afghanistan so it made him live life like his blood type, B Positive. Yeah it got real serious for a second so I felt the need to spice things up with a Timeflies lyric. Luke gets chills from looking into JoJo’s eyes. JoJo leaves a puddle on the seat probably and roses Luke.

But wait…there’s ONE MORE SURPRISE!!!! Is obviously live music. Dan + Shay need to promote their new album which conveniently dropped today so JoJo and Luke attend their concert and slow dance onstage. I use the term dance loosely because they spend the entire time onstage sucking face. If I bought tickets to that concert I would walk right out. Don’t force me to watch PDA. NOT UP IN HERE.

I’ve gone far too long without talking about Chad so let’s check in on his mental state. Oh no biggie, he’s tanning at the house while a bear wanders around a few feet away. METAPHORS. What season is it in PA though because we’ve got JoJo wearing her best fall outfits and snuggled in a blanket while Chad lays TOFTB in the hot sun. I’m so confused. Either way, don’t poke the Chad bear.

We Could Go All the Way with Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, Robby

Big Ben (an alleged rapist) leads this date and by leads I mean he asks JoJo who her favorites are then laughs at them all from the stands as he uses those bear paws of his to slam Cheetos into his mouth. In our second fake-out of the night, James Tay gets a bloody injury from a basic football tackle. Womp Wommppp. He doesn’t want stitches because that means he’d have to leave the date, so instead he’d rather have an ace bandage around his ENTIRE HEAD for a scratch and blood dripping down his face. Quick tip for James Taylor: dried blood on a man’s face=Sahara Desert vag.

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The boys suit up for the game and Evan takes prep for this game v seriously. He arranges his side bang to peek out of his headband as if he’s the lead singer of an emo band. Then slaps on just one eye black. Mid-game he gets another nosebleed of course—denies it—then declares he killed it when his team wins. Daddy’s a winner! He whispers to himself with a closed mouth smile as he sniffs the football, probably.

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Later with the winning team, Robby tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and lays her out on the pool table after gingerly pushing the balls away for a makeout sesh. Robby’s gay, right? Like 100%? She tongues everyone in the room, including James’ open wound (gross) but Jordan gets the rose because he was passin those pigskins like an almost PRO today and also he took her by surprise and made her feel special. (Special is girl talk for W-E-T.)

Let’s Get Lost with Chad and Alex

Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and he’s not wrong. Seriously Alex is being all of those things. A bunch of grown men all sit on top of each other on an L shaped couch while Chad threatens to take them all outside. Again, no one goes outside. If this sounds like a repeat of Monday night’s group date fight, please know that it is.

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The date is hiking and JoJo looks SO outdoorsy with that flannel tied around her waist. Alex airs his grievances about Chad. And there are A LOT OF THEM. One being the Jordan incident that morning, which Alex wasn’t even present for. Seems legit. JoJo immediately tells Chad all the dirt she just heard. Typs 2 on 1 date etiquette. Chad’s like didn’t you ever threaten to rip a girls leg off when you lived in the bachelor mansion? And JoJo is like no, not really. C’mon JoJo…don’t tell me you didn’t at least think about tossing Lauren’s torso into the ocean once you found out Ben loved her TOO?! Ugh, anyway JoJo needs to “think” about why she has such a thing for bad boys or something. Thinking turns into crying when JoJo muses that maybe Chad’s an asshole because he’s grieving his mom’s death. (Or maybe he’s just putting on his best performance to cut a movie deal? Jus sayin.)

Chad relishes his last few moments of fame when he tells Alex he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed with a sly smirk as he drinks milk lying down. Alex has a mini tantrum about how he thought they were going to be Marine besties and Chad’s like whatever, have a glass of milk, bruh. In the end JoJo tells Chad and his violent ways off and gives Lil Alex the rose. Alex has just landed himself on the hit list and the guys shoot off confetti at the news. But it’s not over. Chad whistles and stalks through the woods (all the way back to the house?) Yeah ok. TO BE CONTINUED in two weeks with probably nothing dramatic at all if we’ve learned anything from being tricked by these perfectly crafted previews. Seriously, guys. Don’t fall for it. Either way, I’d like to declare this season over the minute Chad leaves. Whether he’s escorted off or he just went back to the house to grab the extra meats he keeps in his bunk, Heavyweights style, I’m Team Chad through and through. Which when you think about it is strategic AF because I know for a fact Chad will never find me and beat my ass. Winner, Winner, Sweet Potato Dinner.

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