John and Chrissy premiered this new music video and REAALLYY hyped it up probably because they announced a baby on the way in it. The song is good, the video is romantic enough to make me want to stab my eyes out of my head and also go horseback riding because honestly that’s one of those things that’s been on my bucket list for like FIVE YEARS NOW and still I HAVE NOT MOUNTED ONE SINGLE HORSE. Yeh, I know how bitter I sound. WuTeVeR. You can watch the whole video above and enjoy it if you’re not a single bitter betch yearning for a romantic horse riding date like me OR you can just peep the money shot below:
Reports coming out that she was pregnant were VERY apprehensive at first. A lot of “reportedly” or “fans claim” being tossed around because neither John nor Chrissy confirmed it via the spoken word. I’m guessing NOBODY wants to be assuming that a female is pregnant from a little stomach shot. And honestly, it would kind of be a Chrissy thing to do to wait for everyone to report it and then be like YOU ARE ALL SCUMBAGS, I’VE JUST GAINED A LITTLE WEIGHT FROM MY LATEST COOKBOOK FULL OF CHEESY BREADS AND PASTAS. But fear not, as of press time, she had confirmed that we were not all just rudely fat shaming her. Congrats, yo.
So I guess this is like the new thing? Posting a pic of everyone’s hands instead of a baby photo. Not only is it selfish but also kind of unoriginal too. Looking past the fact that all I want to set my peepers on when a baby is born is their squished up, red, grandpa looking face–mad props for this name. Well, mad props for the Lyla Marie part. She probably could do without a MONSTER of a last name like Schwarzenegger AND Pratt. Just pick one, don’t torture the girl. I’m HOPING that they’re not doing the celebrity thing where they hide their children for the rest of time so we never get a glimpse, because I gotta feeling this one’s going to be a cutie. I mean look at that hand. WOOOOO, Gerber baby.
3. Kane Brown is rly dumb.
NO clue why this is news this week because apparently it happened TWO years ago?! More importantly, what was happening two years ago that this WASN’T big news. But either way, Kane Brown moved onto a 30 acre property surrounded by 3000 acres, decided to go explore his new property on a four wheeler with a couple of buds sans cell phone. Three hours later it started raining and was getting dark and his friend’s cell phone was dying so he used his one lifeline to call ANOTHER buddy to come find them. Seems bulletproof. Two more bozos roll up and then all five of them are lost and apparently someone is shooting at them in the dark, deep woods. They then call the cops and get rescued. So Kane Brown I guess took this time to speak out about this incident to clear the air so people would stop joking about how he called the cops because he got lost on his own property and HONESTLY I’m not SURE that this makes me want to razz him any less. In fact, I think i want to razz him A LOT MORE. Who goes out into unknown woods without a cell phone or consideration of weather and what time of day it is? Who then uses precious phone battery to call ANOTHER friend to come to this unknown land where he is most obviously lost? I mean, LOTS of wrong turns here and all of them make me want to point and laugh at KB. The friend who was called to come to his rescue and in conclusion just added more to the lost pack, felt the need to speak out via his instagram and tell everyone to quit LAUGHING.
“It’s obvious none of y’all been lost in the woods before.” YA, NO SHIT. I HAVEN’T BEEN LOST IN THE WOODS ON PURPOSE. I just sent a snapchat of a creature squawking/meowing/maybe barking(?) outside of my window and demanded that the 4 of my friends I sent it to let me know what was making that sound immediately. Apparently I think I’m friends with Jack Hanna. Either way, I’m comfortably inside and have the barrier of a whole ass home and I’m terrified of what this mystery animal is capable of. I can’t even begin to imagine being in the open woods with it. No fucking thanks. The minute that sun set I would’ve been speed-dialing 911 and sending up a smoke signal to get me the hell out of there. One time I did a sunset hike and didn’t fully think through that the sun would be SET by the time I’d be descending the hike and it would be pitch black. I’ve never run down a mountain faster thinking of all the snakes and forest creatures lurking. God the outdoors are the WERST. Anyway, no one is making fun of getting lost in the woods here…that shit sounds terrifying. I think the actual moral of the story in this week’s edition of I’m an a-hole rich person, is don’t buy a buttload of land if you can’t handle it. You better be Mr. Mountainman to go exploring without anything but an ATV. Otherwise, you end up looking like this:
Also, considering 99% of country songs are about being ONE with the wilderness and all about that hunting, fishing, drinking beer in the woods life, KB might need to sit one out on the country charts for penance until he can learn to be a backwoods boy. I don’t think there will be any hot country singles detailing getting lost in the woods behind your 30 acre property and calling the cops because your friend’s asthma was getting bad. JUSSSS SAAAAYYYINNNNN. Luke Bryan better help a brotha out before it’s too late.
4. I’m So…Scared
I haven’t been this scared for a reboot to ruin my childhood since Fuller House debuted. I mean, seriously, with the leaning HEAVILY into the old jokes and shitty show premise just to bring back nostalgia. This Saved by the Bell reboot is headed straight for the Fuller House cheese factor. It’s a giant stinky cheese, and the worst part is that they’re using a very limited amount of footage to make these teasers because they got shut down for COVID and never even got to film any Zack and Kelly. It’s desp and I don’t love it. One of the GOAT episodes of Saved by the Bell is OBVIOUSLY when Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills and ruins Hot Sundae’s chances of becoming recording artists. (Ask me if I know all the words to Go For It by Hot Sundae, obviously I’ve had it in my iTunes since Limewire days.) That doesn’t mean I watched this trailer and was like HAHA good one, I better tune into this reboot. No. Now I just want to go back to the good old days of the hardest drug in school being caffeine pills and an entire NBC commercial campaign against smoking weed. There’s NO HOPE WITH DOPE. This show CANNOT exist in today’s heroin heavy, TikTok hoochie dance high school world. Let it live in the gloriously naive 90’s. Don’t bring it back. PLZZZZZ. Now hit it, gurls~ 1, 2, 3, BEND–1, 2, 3, STRETCH!
5. Miley Week.
Miley Cyrus is ALL UP IN YO’ headlines this week because her and Cody Simpson broke up, she’s got a new song and directed the video herself. Also she went on Call Her Daddy-Barstool’s sex podcast that had a very dramatic comeback this year after the hosts demanded all the money in the world to talk about their raging sex lives once a week on a pod–so obviously everyone is talking about that as well. I heard Miley say on Elvis Duran this morning that she wanted the video to feel like a night out with Debbie Harry at Studio 54. And yep. That v. accurately describes this disco vid full of nudity, a bleach blonde mullet and red lips. Nailed it, Miles. (Though it certainly cannot compete with a declaration that you have wet ass pussy amongst a bunch of tigers.) The song is fine. What I’d really like to commend her for is basically using her relationship drama to boost her music. When she filed for divorce from Liam we got Slide Away, which gave us some juicy deets and a dramatic live performance and now that she’s shaking Cody loose, we get a girls night out jam. Nothing will ever compete with Party in the USA obviously, but hat tip to Miley for staying relevant through everyone’s thirsty need to be a part of her love life. But also, maybe just kick it single for a while? Like kinda sounds like you’re in a good place and don’t need a man or woman, so just take a beat. That’s my unsolicited advice. Also, the only headline to come from Call Her Daddy so far is that she lost her virginity to Liam at 16. That’s the opposite of a tasty treat of sex deets. I think everyone pretty much assumed that he snatched your V card with the way you two went on and off for 10 years before finally getting married for about 5 mins. Must’ve been a good first time, TBH.
People were buzzing about Jay’s chickens and his newfound insta fame and that took WAY too much attention off of Kristin and she needed to bounce back in a big way. This was a BIG bounce back. And also, the MOST obvious reach I’ve ever seen. Obviously these two bozos are not reuniting a dysfunctional teenage love. This snuggly pic was calculated AF and it’s just like the time The Hills producers told LC to invite Stephen to her housewarming party when the show was getting a little snoozy to spice things up and give viewers a reunion to ship. They teased that Stephen comeback for weeks and made all of the dodo birds that LC lived with ask her in-depth questions about her past with Stephen and if she thinks him coming to her housewarming will rekindle their love affair. It was ALL this buildup for a real friend zone ending. Stephen went right back to ruffling LC’s hair and calling her buddy. BONER KILL. Obviously I’ve always been over-invested in reality TV..but here’s the thing: Kristin removed herself from reality TV and therefore cannot use their storylines to boost public opinion of her. Also, these two STUNK as a couple. Stephen was always sneaking off to be with LC and Kristin was fo shiz banging whoever looked at her. Plus, let’s never forget Cabo.
Doesn’t matter how I feel about this PR move though…all that matters is how Jay feels and he went right ahead and deleted his Instagram. And honestly that’s the worst outcome that could’ve ever happened. Jay was a rising star on social media and was really coming into his own with content. And he let two little Laguna bitch asses ruin that for him. SCREW YOU STEPHEN AND KRISTIN.
I had originally predicted that these two would give birth on the same day (I assumed with the whole twin thing if one went into labor the other would feel the pains thus triggering their own labor…science) and you know what, I WASN’T FAR OFF! One day apart is basically the same day and wouldn’t you know it THEY BOTH HAD BOYS. Cue them trademarking the Bella Boys for future merch and business opportunities. Although these two are technically cousins, there’s no way they don’t grow up basically twinnies. I mean they live next door to each other and they’re one day apart. And those identical announcements?! I mean, come on. I assume their names will be unveiled in an equally as PR way and I’m chomping at the bit to hear them. Let it also be known that Brie posted her insta first and I was literally hawk-eyeing Nikki’s insta and having seen that she hadn’t posted in 3 days I KNEW she had her baby too. That’s the definition of UNWELL in celeb social media creepin. Proud of it, babe.
You know it’s been a slow news cycle lately when I’ve reported on Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green MULTIPLE weeks now. At first this was a super tame celeb breakup (probably because they’ve done it once before) but now the drama is heating up and I’m HERE for it. After Megan Fox started boning MGK and blabbed last week about how he’s her twin soul, it seemed like the gloves were off for Brian Austin Green. He was casj at the beginning of the week, saying in an interview that he found out about the two of them on his own and has tried to avoid social media because he doesn’t want to see or hear about it. He even reassured people critiquing her parenting that she’s a great mom and just happens to be shooting a movie right now. WELP. No more peace. Above is a post from Megan slobbering all over her new boy toy. Below is Brian AG trolling the shit out of it. Guess he’s no longer avoiding social media!
BOOM. ROASTED. Love a good petty post-breakup caption and this is perfect. Also kinda contradicting everything he said about her being a good mom but whatevs. And not for nothing, but get those kids into the modeling game stat–dreamy eyes and luscious locks will get them everywhere in life.
4. The Bachelorette DRAMA.
So we can at least acknowledge now that, yes, Tayshia is the new “Bachelorette.” Who are her guys? When does she start her journey? Did she already? Are guys being flown back in having to quarantine again for a week? All questions we don’t have answers to now.
Ever since I quit this circus cold turkey, I’ve observed from afar and noticed that fans haven’t become any less rabid for the orchestrated drama that floats around every season. This season in particular has been a doozy as it was halted for COVID, then BLM became too loud for racist ABC to ignore and they plucked a black guy who was supposed to be on the season that had started filming to name as the next Bachelor, then they started filming Clare’s season again and now apparently they’re bringing in a different Bachelorette to take over. Rumor has it that Clare found love immediately, didn’t want to play the game and tongue any other guys for TV so she refused to keep filming and they had to tap in a second girl to finish out the season. And IF that’s true, HOW OUTRAGEOUS. You’re already suspending belief by showing everyone two people who fall in love and decide to get married over two months of being in an open relationship and now you wanna tell us she did it EVEN FASTER THAN THAT?! Get the hell out of here with that fresh garbage. Either she was already communicating with this guy and he had a head start or we start betting on when they break up cause I AIN’T ABOUT TO FALL FOR THAT. Let it also be written in stone that this “hook” will not make me tune in to her season. I feel like I lost years off of my life when I used to watch every week, mostly because they put about 25 solid mins of content into a 2-3 hour episode every Monday. Nothing proves that more than these “Bachelor GOAT” seasons they’ve been doing. This is where they show an “abbreviated” season over a 3 hour span. If you can give us the gist of a whole season in 3 hours THAT TELLS US RIGHT THERE THAT YOU’RE FLUFFING WAY TOO MUCH. If ABC ever dropped the act and decided to just give us the meat and none of the lettuce, I’d consider tuning back in. But until then, I’M OUT.
PS: This is also hitting the airwaves this week in Bach world…DUH these two broke up…Becca publicly spoke out against Garrett’s tribute to cops amidst the Black Lives Matter movement and said she doesn’t know where their relationship stands. Politics, man. Taking down whirlwind reality TV romances and also the rest of the world.
5. HOLLYWOOD IS ALL REMAKES.
WHO’S THE BOSS? – gallery – Season One – 9/20/84 Former athlete Tony Micelli (Tony Danza)sought a better life for his daughter, Samantha (Alyssa Milano), by accepting the job as housekeeper for advertising executive Angela Bower (Judith Light, top left) and caretaker to her son, Jonathan (Danny Pintauro). Mona (Katherine Helmond) was Angela’s mother. (ABC/BOB D’AMICO) JUDITH LIGHT, DANNY PINTAURO, TONY DANZA, ALYSSA MILANO, KATHERINE HELMOND
Since Hollywood is the LEAST ORIGINAL group of MF’ers on this planet…yeah that’s right…I said it…here’s what’s being rebooted this week. We’ve got a reboot of Who’s the Boss (this was before my time) but they’re essentially doing EXACTLY what Full House did. The main character played by Alyssa Milano will be raising her own kids with Tony Danza playing grandpa. Sounds riveting. And Dirty Dancing has tapped a sequel where Jennifer Grey will have a role and executive produce. SO WHAT WAS DIRTY DANCING HAVANA NIGHTS? Or the made-for-TV musical starring Abigail Breslin? Stop with the remakes, dudes. SERIOUSLY. Also, I hate to be the one to remind everyone but Patrick Swayze is dead. We bringing back his Ghost in holograph form orrrrrr? Obviously I’m fired TF up because maybe JUST MAYBE there’s fresher ideas that we could be executing here but instead the “talented” brains in H-Wood keep going back to the well and retelling stories that were told in the 80’s and 90’s over and over again. Or making internet videos of celebs singing Imagine during a pandemic. I’ve got a real axe to grind this week and I’m not holding back. CUT THE SHIT.
BONUS – If I had to see it, so do you.
My eyes were popping out of my head and my jaw was on the floor for the entirety of whatever the hell this was. I really thought about not including this abomination to music and also, life, but at the end of the day, my favorite rule is that if I have to live through something and be horrified, everyone else must suffer with me. SO WELCOME TO HELL, Y’ALL! Not only was I downright shocked that this is EVEN ALLOWED TO BE A SONG but on top of that the music video was a nice juicy visual of boobs and butt 24/7. Shout out to Kylie for making a completely useless cameo showing us that she can indeed put one foot in front of the other in a leopard catsuit. YOU GO GURL. Refinery 29 called this song “delightfully nasty” and yet I’m inclined to drop the delightfully after I heard the term “wet and gushy” not once, not twice, but 9 ZILLION TIMES. CLEANUP ON AISLE EVERYWHERE because that’s where I puked my face off to these lyrics. ENJOY THO! Hope your weekend is wet AND gushy.
PS Ellen, you’re still
and having your famous friends say you’re not mean does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for your image other than make them look like idiots too. Ya done.
I love how famous people are “speaking out” to be like Ellen’s never been mean to me. Oh really? You mean when she’s invited you on her show as a guest or rubbed elbows with you as celeb friends she’s never been mean?! 😱😱🙄 #youremissingthepoint
We lost our beloved REGE this week. On Saturday to be specific, of course when I was in the countryside with no service. I got scooped on it and was BESIDE myself when I went to read the deets for myself and found that my internet ceased to exist. Obviously Regis was old and it shouldn’t be a shock that he passed but I did not take the news lightly. In fact, I took it so personally that I knew I wasn’t in the right headspace to see Kathie Lee’s tribute to him on the same day that I found out about his death. I needed a few days to accept and come to terms with it before I could dive into what she had to say. I literally brought up his death in therapy this week, so obviously I’m doin real well. But first, my own personal anecdote. I worked on The Rachael Ray Show as an intern senior year of college, I’m sure I’ve referenced it before as it’s probably the closest I’ve ever been to Hollywood. Rege was a regular because he’s TV royalty and why wouldn’t you have him as a guest?! Anytime the Reg-ster was there, you knew it. As he walked out onto set, he made eye contact with and greeted everyone. There’s a lot of times that you talk about celebrities being dicks in real life and Regis was the exact opposite. That zing that he brought to your TV screen? That’s legit just how he is. He’d walk through with a huge smile on his face, cracking jokes and tossing out finger guns. He was a walking party and I wanted him to be my grandpa. A LEGEND. There’s too many dirt bag celebs (cough cough Ellen, more on that later) so it’s always heartwarming to know someone who was truly just a good human with a warm personality and just happened to be famous on the side. Anyway, onto Kathie Lee’s tribute, which I can finally handle now.
She also spoke on the Today Show about how she visited with Regis a month or two ago and they laughed just like they always do when they get together and had a ball and that was the last time she saw him. And she noticed that he was failing in health and it might be the end. And Rege’s wife Joy shared with KL that she hadn’t seen him laugh like that in months. REGIS AND KATHIE LEE FOREVA. THEY ARE THE CUTEST. And not to bring down this lovely tribute to Reger’s with negativity but let’s just be clear that Kelly ain’t shit. Regis MADE Kelly and I *FEEL* like she wasn’t at all grateful and just saw him as a dinosaur. Their chemistry wasn’t even CLOSE to him and KL and all around Kelly comes off as a real twatmonster. I mean look at her “tribute.” A cold, written statement–nothing personal about it. Get the hell out of here, Kelly.
Hey Kelly, check out Gelman’s tribute HERE if you want to see what real human emotions look like.
2. Pray for Reese.
Emmy nomzzzz have been released and Reese Witherspoon got DUMPED on. That’s my biggest takeaway. Not that we’re announcing nominations when we don’t even know if the awards show will happen unless it’s Zoom-style. They’ll figure it out. What they won’t figure out is how they could spit in the face of Hollywood’s sweetheart. Reese has been CHURNING out female-empowering content through her production company and acted in THREE shows this past year. THREE. And everyone else got noms in those shows but her. I can only personally vouch for Little Fires Everywhere because I refuse to pay for another platform just to watch The Morning Show–but she CRUSHED playing an unlikable 90’s mom bitch in that. Like I hated her. And it must take superb acting to hate a sweetie like Reese. In fact, after seeing Kerry nominated for Little Fires, and Jen nominated for the Morning Show and Meryl AND Laura Dern for Big Little Lies…all Reese had to say was this:
What a class act, honestly. Also not all bad because her production company created every single one of these shows so she’ll still cash out on a W. But still doesn’t hurt to be recognized for her onscreen efforts. For what it’s worth, I’d nominate you, REESE!!!! Kerry Washington’s flared nostrils ain’t got shit on your skillzzzzzz. CLICK HERE to see the full list of noms including a shout to Love is Blind (the cringiest low budget reality show that hit right when quarantine started, rocketing it to fame) and a nomination for Brad Pitt guest starring on SNL. THAT’S a stretch. When are we going to stop being so obsessed with the Pitzer? And let’s hope and pray that we can somehow rig a real life awards show not via video conference because Mama needs a red carpet. She’s jonesin for some judging.
3. J Baby Hath Arrived.
Honestly I feel like it was just yesterday that I was announcing her pregnancy and fearing that if I was wrong I’d have to get face ink. But it has been reported that the baby is HERE and it’s a girl named Willa Jonas. And I APPROVE! What a great, normal name! Willa J in da HOUSE! It has also been reported via the latest Taylor Swift album lyric: “Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart / Now I send their babies presents” that she sent them a gift. There’s no actual evidence of this, other than people over-reading into her lyrics so I guess Willa is the youngest owner of a Taylor Swift custom cardigan and seriously WTF. I’m still seething over the fact that I didn’t get one. Another thing that I brought up in therapy, so if this baby got one I might just spiral.
4. Ellen Sucks.
Remember how I bragged about my unpaid internship for the Rachael Ray show? While it’s when I was there back in 2013 that I learned how much of a DICK Ellen is to work for. Hollywood’s a gossipy place and it didn’t take long for a fellow intern to reveal she had also interned for Ellen and it was a real nightmare. I’ve kept that in the back of my mind as she continued her run as the #1 daytime show and danced her fake ass out onstage every day. My mom used to dance along with her and then you know what? The schtick got old. Also, it was becoming more clear that she was over this TV show and was putting in a real half-assed effort. So I’ve been quietly boycotting her for years. Then quarantine hit and apparently Ellen’s time to shine was COMING TO AN ABRUPT END. There was a Twitter thread asking people to share all of their terrible Ellen stories and it went viral. People talking about weird shit she did like making them chew gum outside of her office before coming in because she has a sensitive nose or telling them not to talk to her at all. Here’s a few of those nuggets:
Then it became clear that she wasn’t paying her crew during quarantine but was continuing to make her show and different bits from home. Any host who can afford to pay everyone’s salaries for months without it even affecting their bank account and chooses NOT to is a real douche sandwich. Then it got quiet again and it was clear that Ellen’s power and fame were going to drown out the years-long complaints of mistreatment. UH UH HONAY. The WB launched an investigation this week and FINALLY we get some sort of acknowledgement from Ellen and it’s HILARIOUS. She sent an internal letter to staff playing dumb. Here’s the gist–full letter can be found HERE:
“Hey everybody – it’s Ellen. On day one of our show, I told everyone in our first meeting that The Ellen DeGeneres Show would be a place of happiness – no one would ever raise their voice, and everyone would be treated with respect. Obviously, something changed, and I am disappointed to learn that this has not been the case. And for that, I am sorry. Anyone who knows me knows it’s the opposite of what I believe and what I hoped for our show. I could not have the success I’ve had without all of your contributions. My name is on the show and everything we do and I take responsibility for that. Alongside Warner Bros, we immediately began an internal investigation and we are taking steps, together, to correct the issues. As we’ve grown exponentially, I’ve not been able to stay on top of everything and relied on others to do their jobs as they knew I’d want them done. Clearly some didn’t. That will now change and I’m committed to ensuring this does not happen again.”
“I’m also learning that people who work with me and for me are speaking on my behalf and misrepresenting who I am and that has to stop. As someone who was judged and nearly lost everything for just being who I am, I truly understand and have deep compassion for those being looked at differently, or treated unfairly, not equal, or – worse – disregarded. To think that any one of you felt that way is awful to me. It’s been way too long, but we’re finally having conversations about fairness and justice.”
So are you committed to stop being a total a-hole to the people who work for you orrrrrr? What a classic bitch move to just not at all acknowledge the horrific rep you have and real stories that have come out and just dance your way out of the conflict by saying you had no clue this was going on and your show is all about happiness. And then to point fingers and say they’re misrepresenting her. I hope everyone teams up to DRAAAAG her. It’s the era of Cancel Culture. ADD ELLEN TO THE LIST, YO. Even Brad Garrett spoke out, which I hope means other celebs will too. YAAAAS. Smell ya later, Ellen!
Sorry but it comes from the top @TheEllenShow Know more than one who were treated horribly by her. Common knowledge. DeGeneres Sends Emotional Apology to Staff – Variety https://t.co/D0uxOgyyre
This news will play to a very small audience, but after saddling up to the TV on Friday night for the Kissing Booth 2 premiere with my sister and our equally as teen flick obsessed bestie on Facetime, we snacked, drank wine & drooled over Noah. We also cringed our life away because this flick is not for the faint of heart when it comes to cheesy teen storylines. Their new hottie with a body character designed to swoop in and break up Elle and Flynn was so obsessed with his guitar that at one point they’re sitting on the beach having a serious chat and suddenly his guitar just emerges from the sand so he can end the convo with a serenade. There were several hysterics from us at that moment and the hits just kept on coming with him, including very shiny matching silver lamé with Sketchers shape-ups outfits for a dance competition. Ugh. But I got carried away there as I tend to do. They left the second movie on a cliffhanger, Netflix’s favorite way of telling you that this will be a never-ending series beaten into the ground. And then the stars were like PSYCHE! we already filmed the third and it’ll be out in 2021. So no panicking here about a long wait post COVID times for a new movie, as it’s already been completed. What a trick. Here’s a sexy sneak preview to get you all riled up for more Elle and Flynn:
And then to bring you right back down, here’s some INCREDIBLY awkward moments to prove that not only can Jacob Elordi and Joey King not even do press together (that’s how bad their breakup was) but it seems like Jacob pretty much hates the entire cast and has no interest in being a part of this trilogy. Also, not for nothing, he has a real life mullet and looks like garbo lately. Either way, I can only imagine how awks filming two movies in a row were for these two considering they refuse to even be interviewed together. WOooOof. Get all the uncomfies here:
Start at 6:15 for the cold AF promotion of the movie and transition back to the entire cast getting along and promoting it together:
Special thank you to my assistant Nikki, who spent an undisclosed amount of time watching Youtube clips after the premiere on Saturday to try and sniff out every unbearable interaction between these two former lovers and learn why they broke up. Unfortunately since they avoid talking about each other, this may be a secret that we never learn…but we’ll never stop sleuthing.
Alright gang, here we are, back again together so much sooner than expected to hear ALL of my unfiltered thoughts on every single song off of T’s new album. I’ve spent the entire weekend getting in my feels and listening to it so that I can bring you some hot takes on where her 8th studio album falls in the lineup. Right out the gate, this surprise drop inconvenienced me because I wasn’t able to skip on over to Target and get a hard copy for all of my listens. I’m still waiting on my deluxe edition to be shipped so I had to listen to Spotify like a poor (why aren’t digital downloads a thing when you purchase a physical CD?) which also means that I will not be able to review the bonus track until that bad boy arrives. Otherwise, let’s dive in to all the tales she told on this album.
1. the 1. “I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit” is one HELL of a way to kick off a surprise album. Also this is now the only appropriate response to “how are you?” for the rest of 2020. Strong first track and pretty much everyone who I yapped about this album to agreed. It’s easily my favorite song on folklore. And that’s saying a lot as Taylor just keeps making her albums longer and longer, thus forcing me to really pull a lot of commentary out of my ass these days to deliver these track by tracks blogs. Anywho, great beat to this and loving that it plays right into my hands of being a bitter cynic that thinks no one stays together anymore with “you know the greatest loves of all time are over now.”
Best Lyric: I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit (OBVIOUSLY)
2. cardigan. I gave a brief review of cardigan while I was listening for the first time and I really hated that she chose this song to do the music video. I immediately gravitated to like 6 or 7 other songs upon first listen to this album and cardigan was not one of them. The music video was fine, the song is fine, but it was tough to be the first snippet of this album I heard, especially while forcing myself to stay awake past my bedtime to rabidly consume it. I think she made it the “single” so to speak because it definitely sets the weird hipster artistic vibes she’s aiming for on this album. Also amazing marketing tool by her once again to send influencers Taylor Swift cardigans. Kinda shitty I didn’t get one, I basically live in the snowbelt of America and could really use a cozy cardigan with Taylor Swift’s name on it but WHATEVER Tay.
Best Lyric: And when you are young, they assume you know nothing (it’s true tho.)
3. the last great american dynasty. So the biggest thing I took away from this album is that Taylor basically wanted to tell other people’s stories. Real, made up, old, new, whatever. So as literally every single foaming at the mouth news outlet will talk about how each song is about Joe or Karlie Kloss (seriously, relax on the lesbian theories with those two)–I’m choosing to just enjoy the stories she’s telling and not overthink who they’re about. So I’m firmly Team Rebekah on this one. I love a divorcee who loves a good party. As far as the sound goes on this one, “I had a marvelous time” in that breathy Wildest Dreams voice really hits different. Made this a top song for me. That and the fact that she uses the word gauche. If I read that by itself I would never pronounce it correctly. But now that Taylor has sang it, I’m basically a wordsmith. Couldn’t tell you what I learned in college, a degree I’ll be paying for for the rest of my life, but now I know that gauche rhymes with goes and is a word for unsophisticated.
Best Lyric: The wedding was charming, if a little gauche / There’s only so far new money goes
4. exhile (ft. Bon Iver). I’ve never been a huge Bon Iver guy because he’s got a real sadboi voice and you certainly need to be in a mood for that type of music but call me a sadboi because I’m LOVING this song. It’s also very important for me to say (and this will ONLY resonate with One Tree Hill stans) this is a Peyton song and there’s no other way around it. Specifically, a Peyton season 5 post-rejecting Lucas’s proposal and having to see him move on with someone else. When she’s opening that record label in Tree Hill and just basking in The National’s deep voice sadness:
Ya that’s where I’m at with this song. And that’s fine. Peyton was whiny as hell and had two moms die and a casual psycho stalker so it’s not like her life was peppy but we’ve all had some Peyton moments where you just want to drown in haunting voices and feel sorry about your life. This is the PERFECT song to do that to.
Best Lyric:I think I’ve seen this film before / And I didn’t like the ending (not the first time she’ll reference a film on this album)
5. my tears ricochet. Taylor coincidentally dropped her MOST romantic album last year at the same exact time I was going through a breakup. Obviously I was bitter as hell and not having an easy time identifying with her rainbows of LOVE songs which really put a damper not only on how I viewed the album, but also how difficult it was for me to review it. Like ok, we get it you’re in love EYE ROLL, whatever. It wasn’t a good time for her to brag about it in my personal life and honestly it was rude of her to not take that into consideration. The point of that ramble was to say that if Lover was about Love, folklore is about loss and struggle. AND THAT’S WHERE I LIVE, BABY. I’m LOVING this album because nobody knows how to get down in the dumps like ya gurl the Salty Ju. Dramatic lyrics about breakups? PILE IT ON ME, BOO. SO now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s first confront her singing “cause I looooooooved you, I swear I looooooved you” in an Irish brogue. We gonna let that one slide? Her dramatics in love and loss have caused her to try out a new accent? Besides that little slip up, I’m all in on this song.
Best Lyric: And if I’m dead to you, why are you at the wake? (Every drama queen’s first post-breakup caption SEND.)
6. mirrorball. This was the first one I came across in the lineup of listening that I wasn’t crazy about. It’ll probably be a skip for me. Definitely a retro feel to it of the times when dance contests were all the rage. To be perfectly honest I kept thinking of the episode of Gilmore Girls where they do the dance marathon and wear 50’s girl outfits and Dean dumps Rory. So apparently I’m just going to relate every song off of this album back to mid-2000s teen shows. Super fitting for me.
Best Lyric: And I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why
7. seven. Another skip for me unless I’m really wanting to get in touch with my Lilith Fair side. If I may relate it back to another pivotal teen show in my life, this 90’s chick singer throaty vibe she’s throwing sounds like something that would be on Dawson’s Creek. I half expect to see Joey tucking her hair behind her big ass ears and Dawson talking about how badly he wants to stop talking about sex and start having it in his giant army green cable knit sweater. I’m sorry. I can’t stop. I’m a teen soap monster.
Best Lyric: And I think you should come live with me / And we can be pirates (cause why not?)
8. august. Ok she got me back on this one. Summer is my favorite season of all time and also feels like it goes SO fast, so leave it to Taylor to put that into beautiful words and also use comparisons to wine to get my attention. August is the Sunday night scaries of summer. And we’re almost there, unfortunately so this is hitting a little too close to home right now. I’m not ready for fall. I’m NEVER READY FOR FALL. What helps a little bit is toward the end of the song when she gets a little pep in her step with “remember when I pulled up and said get in the car” and it was giving me a little Getaway Car flashback. Or, in dumber terms, my note in my phone for that part of the song is “YAAASSSSSSS.”
Best Lyric: For me, it was enough / To live for the hope of it all
9. this is me trying. This falls in middle ground territory. This song is neither great nor terrible. It’s got a lot of the elements that we’ve already seen her leaning into on this album. References to a failed relationship being a film, a breathy orgasmic outburst (AT LEAST I’M TRYING) and killer lyrics. The person contributing to lyrics genius claims this is a Taylor taking credit for her flaws in relationships song, and yet there’s a HEAVY undertone of this individual being an alcoholic, which I don’t believe Taylor is, so I think her fans really need to cool it on reading into every song relating directly back to her life. Also there’s a real divide between fans who think she secretly married Joe and fans who think she broke up with him and let me be clear ALL OF THESE THEORIES ARE CONCLUDED FROM PEOPLE OVER-ANALYZING HER LYRICS. God quarantine needs to end cause we all need to get a life. (FTR, I’m firmly in the Joe is her end game camp…so if they’re married I wouldn’t be surprised.)
Best Lyric: They told me all of my cages were mental / So I got wasted like all my potential / And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad / I have a lot of regrets about that (B2B bomb lyrics. Verse 2 packed a punch.)
10. illicit affairs. Maybe Tay wrote this one about her good bud JT. BAM. Ricochet shot. (I’ll never be over JT being a public cheater, oBViOuSlY.) I do really like this song for her going up into the high notes for random words. It’s like the musician version of putting a word in bold. I also giggled at “tell your friends you’re going for a run, you’ll be flushed when you return.” As if anyone could pass off banging in a hotel room as a quick jog.
Best Lyric: And you know damn well / For you, I would ruin myself / A million little times
11. invisible string. Oohh shit we’ve got a little banjo in the mix now! What a nice way to spice things up as I was just starting to move into a comatose state of synths. For the record, this does seem like a song about Joe. She had to sneak one in somewhere. It was only fair. So we’ll rap about how she references the song Bad Blood, which apparently Joe heard in a cab in LA, a reference to the yogurt shop he used to work at, the dive bar where they hung out that she referenced in delicate and then there’s a little part about boys who broke her heart and now she sends their babies presents. Which led to an unfortunate headline on one of the gossip rags about how Taylor Swift is sending Joe Jonas a baby gift. And honestly, she dated Joe for a brief mo when she was like 18 and he dumped her on a 30 second phone call so are we really doing a callback to that garbage relashe? I feel like people are so desp to create headlines out of her lyrics that they’re really starting to reach. Either way, another lovely ode to her current relationship–he gets paper rings AND invisible strings.
Best Lyric: Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven
12. mad woman. Our first Taylor Swift F bomb. THIS IS AN OCCASION. Taylor has been OVERLY PG on most of her albums. I believe we got our first swear on Reputation (shit) and nothing has ever escalated beyond that. So to get a straight F bomb–AND have it not be the only one on this album. Praise be, our girl’s all grown up! My trash mouth that can’t STOP F bombs from flying is v. proud of her for this. But also this is a classic Taylor feminist song. Pointing out the double standards of men vs. woman and showing that passionate females are treated like they should be committed. This tune could be a GREAT soundtrack for the latest Dirty John season because Betty Broderick was a straight up MAD WOMAN.
Best Lyric: Or does she mouth, “Fuck you forever”? (Adding forever in really makes this curse slap harder.)
13. epiphany. This is a church hymn. Since I’m not in the business of listening to prayers, chants and church jingles in my free time, I’m fully out on this song. It’s like the “it’s nice to have a friend” of this album. Immediate skip. Sorry not sorry. It’s apparently about her grandfather serving in the war, which is ironic because it gives me PTSD to high school when I had to go to church every Sunday and if I missed one I had to go to confession. (Obviously that is said with the most sarcasm, being at war has no comparison to going to church in white suburbia so pls don’t cancel me.) TYSM.
Best Lyric: Only twenty minutes to sleep / But you dream of some epiphany / Just one single glimpse of relief / To make some sense of what you’ve seen
14. betty. This was like ALL THE RAGE the day the album came out that Taylor released the name of Blake Lively and Ryan Reynold’s third child that they hadn’t announced yet. To think that Taylor who has everything planned and pre-meditated about her music and her marketing and how she puts herself out there would have just casually decided to out a child’s name without their parent’s permission is straight idiotic. I can guarantee you that she wrote the song and immediately sent it to them and asked for their feedback. So everyone trying to call her a bad friend needs to take a page from Lover and CALM DOWN. She happened to toss their collection of RANDOM ASS names into this song. Like honestly Blake and Ryan seem pretty normal (for being gorgeous and rich celebs) and yet named their three girls James, Inez & Betty. K. Anyway, now that we’ve established that she used their names and they have absolutely nothing to do with the song, let’s talk about how this is an OG Taylor smash. It’s got all of the early, crimped hair, Christmas Tree farm in backwoods PA sounds to it and I love this nostalgic flashback. That harmonica, OOOooOO Baby. Also, notably, another F bomb.
Best Lyric: Standing in your cardigan / Kissin’ in my car again (what a rhyme.)
15. peace. The second this song started I was like am I listening to a John Mayer song? That guitar coming in right off the bat was an ode to J.May if I’ve ever heard one. And guess what? I love John Mayer so this worked out perfectly. I dig the stripped down guitar vibes and also this song had the most ME lyric of all time (see below) that I quite literally gasped when she sang it. So that certainly helps.
Best Lyric: I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best / But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standin’ with me (UM HI IT’S ME, PERPETUAL RAIN CLOUD FOLLOWING WHEREVER I GO, WAITING TO DUMP A RAINSTORM RIGHT ON MY HEAD.)
16. hoax. Not a strong finish for me. It sounds a lot like cardigan so this makes sense. It’s just giving me uneasy, eerie feels. Considering her drowning with her piano in dark choppy waters for the cardigan video gave me night terrors, I’m not so into feeling the creeps from a song. So moving forward, folklore will start with the 1 and end with peace. And that’s a wrap, folks.
Best Lyric: You knew you won so what’s the point of keeping score? (Another bomb sassy post-breakup zinger.)
BONUS TRACK – the lakes. TBD whenever my stupid CD comes in the mail. Thanks for making everything more complicated by cutting Target out of the deal, TAY.
Update: After almost exactly one month…I placed my order on July 24th, I received the physical CD on August 20th, I can now review the BONUS track that we weren’t allowed to hear for a whole ass month. WHY?! Honestly, WHY TAYLOR?! What’s with the dramatic delay? There were Swifties popping off all over TikTok that she was holding off on releasing the bonus track because it’d be announcing her pregnancy or marriage and here we are, The Lakes has arrived. And it stinks on toast. It says nothing that she hasn’t already said on this album. It’s really a meh song. One that I feel like I didn’t need to wait this long for. Is my bitterness clouding my judgment of this song? Perhaps a little. But it is most certainly not a bangpiece hit and there’s a reason it wasn’t included on the original album to begin with. Jus Sayin.
Best Lyric: I’ve come too far to watch some namedropping sleaze / Tell me what are my words worth (EAT IT SCOTT BORCHETTA & SCOOTER BRAUN)
OVERALL ALBUM NOTES: I may be biased because I’ve been a Taylor stan my whole life but I commend the way that she can create a whole mood for each album. She’s pushed herself to make albums that sound completely different from each other and are so cohesive like a CD storytime. There’s quite literally a T.Swift album for every vibe that you could be feeling and I think that’s a really cool way to approach music. I mean if you want to scream F the world, you hit up Reputation, if you want to brag about meeting your soulmate–you pop in Lover and if you want to have profound thoughts and tell ghost stories, you fire up this bad boy. Obviously this is a slower record and much more for deep listening and none of these will ever be called bops, BUT I would also argue that it’s her strongest songwriting record. She’s always been a phenomenal songwriter giving fans relatable lyrics, but reaching and telling other people’s stories just added to that and I’m guessing because it probably started from her just writing away while in quarantine. I too have been writing away while in quarantine but my writing has a lot of swears and I’ve never once used a word like clandestine because I couldn’t even tell you what it means. Different strokes for different folks. That’s why we love Taylor–the word play, the references & easter eggs and of course, the dramatics when it comes to loves lost, I think this was a hot to trot lyrical masterpiece.
So, Taylor made laziness during quarantine look like absolute dogshit. She went and recorded an entire-ass record and this announcement popped up yesterday morning like ho hum since I couldn’t tour I decided to just write and record a whole album and also a music video too, Cheers! Extreme Swifties were probably on suicide watch at the fact that there wasn’t months of lead-up with Easter Eggs and clues in her instagram photos. WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE IF NOT TO DISSECT EVERY PHOTO AND CAPTION SHE POSTS AND PREDICT UPCOMING SINGLES AND ALBUMS?! I myself was scooped on the news, but that didn’t stop me from bouncing back with an obnoxious amount of Taylor Swift content as I prepared for the drop, even tying the throwback Thursday post I do weekly on my dad’s live music Facebook page to her new album cover. My knack for bringing everything back to Tay knows no bounds.
And here’s my midnight gut reaction to her first video:
We get about 3 seconds in before she climbs into a magical piano and resurfaces in a magical forest, ooo baby we are full on whimsical TAY. Could do without her matronly 1940’s nightgown and little itty bitty pigtail buns but whatever we’ll let it slide as she was styling herself and also creating a whole music video so some things had to slip through the cracks. Welp and then things took a real dark turn and she was drowning in the ocean with a piano, which made me REAL panicky. Kinda wish I hadn’t watched before bedtime. Overall kneejerk video rating: 6–cool effects but generally wasn’t blown away. And as for the song itself, it was like sleepy time music. Definitely a whole different sound and not what I was expecting to hear, seems like she’s really going through a hipster phase especially knowing that Bon Iver will be featured on this album. Kneejerk song rating: solid 6 as well. Sixes across the board. Now excuse me while I listen to the whole album on repeat, get my deluxe edition (I went for the stolen lullabies version), read all rabid fan theories about lyrics and prepare myself to write you an obnoxious track by track review to debut next week.
In isolation my imagination has run wild and this album is the result. I’ve told these stories to the best of my ability with all the love, wonder, and whimsy they deserve. Now it’s up to you to pass them down. folklore is out now: https://t.co/xdcEDfithq
So apparently when I told my gurl Demi to take it slow on this very blog just a month ago, she didn’t feel the need to listen. And hey, I get it. When you’re in love, your closest friends opinions become garbage because this person has your whole heart. Here’s the bottom line though. Hollywood has shown us (and quarantine especially) that no celebrity relationship is safe. EVERYTHING ENDS. I mean seriously look at Kelly Clarkson. So if Kelly, a mature, responsible and pretty “normal” celeb can’t make her marriage last, how much faith should we have in an engagement that comes a few months after they started dating and exactly two years after she publicly overdosed. (Like to the day…do we think that was planned?) Again, not passing judgment, just looking out for my bestie. I WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR HER. What I will pass judgment on, however, is that rock.
I’m sorry but that thing is hideous, IMO. It’s a gargantuan piece of costume jewelry. Since US Weekly gave me a rundown on who this Max character is, and his top credits were a soap opera and a duet with the “Friday” chick Rebecca Black…I’m guessing he wasn’t paying for this ring on his own salary. But if he was, WHOA BABY. Anyway, I guess this is just another score for romantics who say things like “I knew I loved you the moment I met you.” Or Megan Fox who was married at the time she met Machine Gun Kelly and told him that he was her twin flame when she first met him and that they are two halves of the same soul. Good for you guys, I guess. I’ll keep on living in the real (super cynical) world where people fall in love and get married to people who annoy them a lot but at least they have each other to binge Netflix shows and snuggle with. This whole soulmate thing seems a little far-fetched. There’s a whole lotta people in the world, and especially in the case of celebs, they seem to find a whole bunch of different soulmates in their lifetime. Jus sayin. BE CAREFUL, DEMI. PROTECT YOUR HEART!!!
3. Our Future Pres.
This seems to be a touchy subject because of the mental health that’s involved with it and I’ve seen people get condemned about “reporting on it.” HOWEVER, if you’re running for president of our country, I believe that speaking about your outbursts is fair game, whether you are in control of them or not. Also, I feel like it is my duty to report the news that olds like my parents might not always be on top of. For instance, when my mom came into my room the other night and was like what’s the deal with Kanye and Kim getting a divorce? My mom doesn’t have twitter. So I’m just serving the community here by consistently screenshotting tweets that I know Kanye will immediately delete. And there’s a lot to unpack here from just one week. It all started when Kanye held his first candidate rally, because yes he legitimately registered to run for president. In this rally, he ranted about Harriet Tubman not actually freeing the slaves and then worst of all–he admitted that when Kim found out she was pregnant, he was dating other ho’s at the time and immediately wanted her to abort the baby. Apparently they went back and forth for a month or so before God sent him a sign by blacking out his computer while he was trying to work that he should have this baby. So they had North. And then he screamed and cried about how he almost killed his daughter and wanted to and how his father wanted to kill him but his mom saved him. HEAVY stuff. Not to mention, North is now 7 years old. And her father is publicly ranting about how he wanted to abort her. YIKES ON BIKES. Naturally, reports surfaced that Kim was not pleased and then the tweets started rolling in. Here’s a collection of tweets from both nights where he popped off this week (most have since been deleted.)
So basically, Kanye called his wife a playboy whore, called his mother in law an enabler to her whoring, said they both tried to have him committed and they need to back off, accused Kim of cheating with Meek Mill and that he wants to divorce her, then rambled about different celebrities even tossing Bill Cosby into the mix and blaming NBC for his downfall. He also posted a video with Dave Chappelle saying he came to check on him and it was a super cringeworthy several minutes of Kanye forcing Dave to tell him a joke to uplift him and Dave looking very uncomfy. Then Kim spoke out:
Basically asking everyone to respect his disease and the fact that they can’t really do anything for an adult with bi-polar disorder unless he asks for help. The whole thing is just an ongoing shit show. Obviously Kanye is not well mentally. Obviously the entire Kardashian family lives off of having transparent lives and filming their every move for the E! network. These two things do not go hand in hand. Throw in a presidential race and you’ve got total chaos. Kanye, please go quietly into the night, get some help and maybe separate yourself from the Kardashian family because it doesn’t seem like y’all mesh well. Not even Kris can get a handle on this situation. He’s out here calling her Kris Jong-Un. THE DISRESPECT IS REAL. But seriously let’s end this before it gets worse. His poor kids don’t need to be reading about their dad’s manic raves and we certainly don’t need anymore politics drama. The world is angry enough. Cut the shit ‘ye. Also, not for nothing but he announced an album drop mid-rave set for today and I respect the hell out of the fact that Taylor came from the clouds and was like nah, B, I’m gonna drop on album on Friday. BOOYAH. I hope this feud never dies.
4. Secret Baby.
This is low on the list because I have 0.0 evidence that it’s real. Stories started surfacing at the beginning of the week that Jess just casj had a baby. Obviously we had no idea she was even pregnant and there has been no confirmation from them if it’s true so I guess we have a MAYBE baby? And honestly, damn you Kylie for starting this secret pregnancy shit. I’m so f**king over it. Either publicly have a baby because you have chosen a life in the spotlight or don’t have kids at all. GAWD YOU CELEBS ARE SO SELFISH. It probably wasn’t hard for Jess to hide this pregnancy considering they’ve been quarantined in Montana for 6 months–aka the entire time she would be showing basically, but at the same time, throw us a freaking bone. And not for nothing if this IS true, this is 9 trillion percent a post-cheating makeup baby. Oopsie JT strayed outside the marriage, got caught HOARD, and then they decided another kid might fix their marital problems. Obviously I’m still bitter but at least I can always hang my hat on being prettier than Jess. Also, while discussing this surprise baby with my mom, she told me “good for them, they got through the cheating scandal. A lot of people have little blips.” So basically I learned that my mom is dead to me for supporting their marriage, which I’ve hated since the beginning, but she’s also casj cool about cheating. Celeb gossip bringing out the truth in families all over.
Apparently Katie Couric is VERY into The Parent Trap…so much so that she felt a reunion was necessary. I will save you all the 30 min watch and give you the recap since these reunions are all the rage now and not everyone wants to watch each one (I know, I’m a godsend for doing the dirty work with all of my free time.) I think probably the most baffling thing about this was how much Dennis Quaid yammered on about how he knew the moment he met Lindsay that she was SO talented and amazing. And honestly, The Parent Trap is a great movie, and all of the awards to Meredith Blake for being such an all-time bitch character and the actress who played her for consistently leaning into it on social media, but we’re not talking about an Oscar-worthy movie here. This is a light-hearted family flick remake. So we can relax with talking acting chops. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Lindsay Lohan. I mean this was the girl who most recently moved to Dubai just because and then had a reality show about a Greek beach club she was “managing.” She has had her talons in any sense of the word fame for as long as I can remember. Even having her mom get in on it with her dating stories and her dad being a real trashmonster. But even so, her family aside, Dennis Quaid was waxing poetic about what a great actress she is. I’m happy to take everyone’s views down a peg with this memory.
And one of my favorite shows of all time and highly underrated, Happy Endings also hopped on the reunite for a good cause wagon and did a bonus zoom episode. I was pleasantly surprised once again at how well they did considering it was all done digitally. Their characters were still intact and the best thing about the show is their snappy dialogue which was not lost in the method. If you have yet to become a Happy Endings fan, I would recommend binging via Hulu as there’s only 3 seasons and they’re quick half hour episodes. You won’t regret it. You’ll also realize that a good portion of the stupid phrases that I use are ripped directly from this show. This bonus material just made me want more. BRING BACK HAPPY ENDINGS!!!
This is what the world has come to. Martha Stewart posting a “sexy” (the word is in quotes because I don’t find this sexy but the way she’s half closing those lids and popping that mouth open makes me believe sexy is what she was aiming for) selfie to talk about her concrete pool. I am done. Get me right off of this planet. I don’t want to be here for a second longer.
Woof this one was a shock. Apparently Kelly was privately battling cancer for the past two years so while we’re all feeling like this is very sudden, I’m guessing her close family members had been preparing for this moment. Kelly always struck me as someone who was classy as hell and had a lot of poise about her. Also, anyone who puts up with John Travolta on the daily and his wacky hijinks/borderline stroke symptoms (no one will ever forget Adele Dazeem) has to be a G-D saint. Not to mention the fact that there’s the whole long-standing rumor that John is actually gay and hooking up with men on the reg while keeping up appearances with Kel. Who knows if any of that is true, all that I know is that this is a horrible loss and she has a 9 year old son–much younger than I had realized AND they had already lost a child a few years back. Lots of tragedy in this family and depending on who we count as famous, we’ve got another celebrity death coming down the pipeline because it always comes in threes. Brace yourselves.
2. Naya Follow-Up. Obviously this isn’t really breaking news, but Naya’s body was recovered and they declared there was no foul play, she simply drowned in the lake. Again my conspiracy theories were working in overdrive as they made the announcement because they gave virtually 0 deets and I still don’t quite understand how one drowns in a lake, but after some sleuthing on Twitter, I was able to find the answers to the many questions I have. And this is why I write this blog, so I can report the news that I had to dig to find.
The sheriff confirms that Naya Rivera's four-year-old son said he and "Naya swam in the lake at some point in the journey. Her son described being helped by Naya, boosting him on the deck, he looked back and saw her disappear under the surface."
Confirming it is speculation, officers suggest that Naya Rivera and her son both got into trouble in the water due to riptides, but she "mustered the energy" to get her son back on board.
Shout out to Jojoba for even including a chart of how rip currents work. My dumb brain couldn’t wrap around the idea of currents in a lake and I’m glad we could get to the bottom of this. And now that we have, YA THINK MAYBE IT’S TIME TO BAN SWIMMING IN LAKE PIRU? Several people have drowned and yet we’re still just popping those dams open and closed and not putting a warning out there?! HUH?! Hopefully this is a wake up call for that giant suction sewer they call a lake and they’ll ban swimming or something moving forward. I mean they even had a hard time finding her body. What is living in that lake that just snatches bodies and hides them?! Shit’s cursed. Also, I’ll be the first to admit that none of my theories about this being a suspicious death turned out to be true. I was wrong. Hands up. I’ll dial it back with the true crime as long as Lake Piru promises to lock it up with the dragging swimmers to their death garbage. On top of all of this, Naya’s body was found on the anniversary of Cory Monteith’s death. Eerie and really not a great day for the cast of Glee, pictured below at the lake.
3. Entanglement.
Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed you, let’s turn things around for the second half of the JUice with some good ole fashioned Hollywood trashy gossip. Remember way back when Gwyneth Paltrow called her divorce from Chris Martin a “conscious uncoupling” and everyone pointed and laughed at how RIDICULOUS and BOUGIE and HOLLYWOOD that was? Y’all are getting divorced. Ain’t no cutesy term for it. Well here we are again. Jada Pinkett Smith called banging someone who is not her husband an “entanglement.” Ok, girl. Whatever helps you sleep at night. I’m guessing Will never wants to hear that word again for the rest of his life. Here’s the lowdown on this wacky story that I’m sure no one even cared about until the Smiths decided to address it v. publicly. There was some chatter about Jada hooking up with this singer August Alsina. And instead of just ignoring it, these two clowns decided to lay out all of their relationship deets on an episode of Red Table Talk. They talk about how August was a family friend first (weird) and they were helping him with his health problems (not clear on what those health problems are) and then Will & Jada separated and did not think they would ever be getting back together. And that’s when August took Jada to Bangtown, USA. And now Will and Jada are still together so that’s AWKZ. Especially when you have to talk about it on your tv show. If you want to cringe your face off, watch the below clip. I had a frozen derp face for “entanglement” and almost covered my eyes for the “bad marriage for life” fist bump.
Obviously, that can’t go down without a little feedback. Here’s August’s jibberish on Twitter because he was getting unwanted attention and also Jada basically called him a liar saying Will didn’t give August permission to bang her, CAUSE BITCH DON’T NEED NO PERMISSION TO GET ENTANGLED.
Imagine not knowing how to mind the business that pay you. I catch all the subliminals. (Not just about today) & you can call me whatever you like, Mess is constantly inserting yourself in topics you have nun to do w/. Go play w/ ya MAMMY! Not me!
If you have something to say, say it w/ ya CHEST kids. It’s always very perplexing cause I real deal be showing people genuine love. Whole time that envy eating ya lil heart. Anyway, NEXT!!
And then shout out to 50 Cent for stirring the pot. Can you imagine separating with your wife, a mutual friend porking her, getting back together and then years later having to talk about it in front of everyone?! Cherry on top is 50 Cent reminding you that someone else blew your wife’s back out. WHAT A GUY.
In other dysfunctional Hollywood couple news, the trial of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s divorce is finally happening. To be completely honest I forgot about these two. She accused him of assault and then there was a lot of he said, she said, pointing fingers at who was actually the abusive one and it seemed like a real messy explosive relashe and then they kinda went away for a while. I guess now they’re in trial, I’m not entirely sure what it’s for, if I had to guess Amber wants a chunk of that Jack Sparrow change, but what really grabbed my attention is the stories that are being hurled back and forth. Now it’s ON. There’s stories from a former assistant that Amber used her personal rape story and claimed it happened between Amber and Johnny. There’s fake bruises and claims of fingers that were cut off. It’s literally a SHITSHOW and clearly neither of these two care that the deets of their domestic dispute of a marriage are hitting the tabs during trial. It’s just balls to the wall hate for each other. Photos were released of a little lunch time whiskey & coke for Johnny, rumors about Amber having threesomes with Cara Delevigne and Elon Musk, Johnny spelling out Amber’s name in urine, Amber punching Johnny in the face when he lost $650million.
Amber Heard shows photos of Johnny Depp’s lunch- whisky and four lines of coke, then passed out on floor. pic.twitter.com/LBNPNY1Kq6
I mean this is literally a soap opera. What ridiculous thing will come out next. OPE, then as if by celebrity magic…the story appeared. Amber pooped in their bed “as a prank” and that was Johnny’s last straw. Turds in the bed=automatic divorce. Apparently she tried to blame it on the dog when she saw how mad he was, but him and the maid both knew those were human-sized logs. I’m sorry but WHAT. I’m firmly on the team of finding poop and fart jokes funny because I have the maturity of a 12 year old boy, but this is very very much NOT funny. Let’s just say I would never let it rip in the bed I share with my husband then hide and wait for him to find it. This was an aggressive dumping and it was done out of despise, not all in good fun. I respect Johnny’s decision to cut Amber loose after this incident. There’s no turning back from Johnny telling her that he lost money from shady business his managers were doing, getting rocked in the face for it, and then finding a fresh number 2 in their bed the next morning. And God bless the maid who cleaned that up. The photo of the actual deuce has been released (because of course it has) and I’ll let you seek that one out on your own as I feel like The Salty Ju should be a poop-free zone–strictly photographically speaking, of course. It has yet to be revealed what exactly Amber’s defense is to the worst prank in the world, but you can assume I’ll keep my nose on the poop trail and report it with equal parts disgust and glee.
5. DWTS Shake-Up.
Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews, longtime hosts of Dancing with the Stars have gotten the boot to make way for miss TYRA Banks. Not only is this another VERY obvious and calculated move from ABC to say, “stop calling us racist” but also the fact that Tyra is so obnoxious she’ll do the job of two hosts. Sorry, Tommy boy.
I guess I won't be getting back my monogrammed towels 🤔😉
Here’s hoping for a lot of smizing, WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU and KISS MY FAT ASS moments to come. Tyra is a freaking reality TV powerhouse and honestly it’s been far too long since she’s graced our screens with outrageous outbursts. It’s only a matter of time before we know she’s BACK.
BONUS:
Poppin this heater on here because a local musician, Micah Premnath, who I started following in college (saw him live once and bought his homemade CD after the show) is a songwriter and anytime he posts a song by pop artists that he helped write, I give it a listen. And it’s usually a killer song. Also I’m super proud of him anytime he has writing credits on a big song because that probably means big bucks. So I’m just sharing the wealth here. Plus John Legend’s soothing angel voice, woooo baby. I love it.
Bonus Bonus:
I randomly made a TikTok this week to make fun of my stupid life and how I have written get a job in my monthly planner goals for SEVEN months now and it remains unchecked. Siiiiiiiick goals, brah. (And whatdya know, this one got thousands of views. My pain is the world’s entertainment. What can I say.)
This is not the kind of news I like to report, I like to keep it light and fluffy for the most part but this is a huge headline that hit yesterday, and one that I was regretfully scooped on nonetheless. Naya Rivera rented a boat on a lake in California with her 4 year old son, when the boat was due back and they still hadn’t returned, the boating company went out looking for her. They found the boat with her 4 year old in a life jacket sleeping on board and did not find Naya. They’ve been searching the water, believing she has drowned and the most recent update is that they’re presuming she’s dead even though they’ll continue to search for her body. Apparently lake conditions are currently difficult for finding bodies, according to the police leading the investigation. They’ve basically been searching “by touch” because visibility is so low, which is a terrifying thing to picture doing. There’s a WHOLE bunch of things that are weird about this situation and let me be the asshole who points them out–maybe I watch too much crime shows and think I’m an expert, or maybe I’m actually onto something here but there are many fishy things about this accident. First of all, it strikes me as odd to go out on a pontoon boat (usually reserved for larger groups of people, known as a party boat) with just yourself and your toddler son. I’m obviously not a mom, so I can’t begin to judge her motherly decisions but I do know that I would never trust myself to adequately watch a small child while also driving a large ass boat on a lake. Seems like a second set of eyes on the kid would’ve made more sense. This is also coming from someone who won’t swim with her 3-year-old niece alone because I’m terrified of her drowning and she runs around the pool like a madwoman. Jus sayin. Secondly, Naya is not without controversy. She made headlines a few years ago with calling off a divorce to her husband and then having a domestic dispute reported where she hit him. Then they got divorced for realz. So their relationship was not without v. public issues. Again, this could be because I’m in the midst of season 2 of Dirty John, but something is odd there. Thirdly, she posted this a week ago:
I get that it’s common, especially right now for people to declare tomorrow is not promised but also THIS IS A LITTLE TOO EERIE. I very much hope that they find her safe and sound, although that doesn’t look to be the case right now. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see as more details are revealed.
2. We Finally Have a Trailer.
The minute this trailer dropped, my sister sent me the link and by the time I had watched it, she’d already viewed it twice. In fact, she watched it so many times that first day, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she’s on some sort of Youtube red alert watch list for that questionable activity. But ya gurl is just excited that we finally have a teaser–it’s about damn time. They announced a sequel almost as soon as the first one premiered two years ago (click HERE to remember how much I drooled over it), and then we all had to watch as the two leads very OBVIOUSLY broke up in real life, and you know what happens when showmances end in the real world…they most certainly end on film as well as the actors no longer want to smooch each other. I’m less enthralled with this trailer than my twin. I’m not a huge fan of making a sequel of perfection to begin with, and I knew where it was heading. Your boyfriend who tried to hide dating you for most of his senior year doesn’t just go off to college across the country without any conflict. OBVIOUSLY they set up a real rocky road for this follow-up and I don’t love that. Then on top of the fact that people in college rarely continue to date their high school sig other, they add in a new hottie high schooler with a gleaming six pack to tempt Elle. COME ON. Like seriously, who has a six pack in high school? Get the hell out of here. No one should be called a SNACK in high school. However, there is some tiny sliver of hope that these two crazy kids make it work after all and I will hang onto that real hard. You bet your ass I’m going to find out on July 24th and report back.
Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that the Bella Twins are both pregnant and will probably give birth on the exact same day cause TWINNIESSSSSS. This week they did a pregnancy photoshoot together (and with Artem?) and spammed everyone’s insta with a bunch of nudes. I would be offended except that they were flawless of course. Check them out here and try to imagine how awkward it must be to be nekkid with your sister and then her boyfriend shows up and pops his top off to get in on the action. WHERE WAS BRYAN?!
Also, while we’re yapping about the Bella Twins, can we rap about how weird it was that their mom just casually had brain surgery last week? On the season finale of their show, their mom shows up for a shopping day and her entire left side of her face is drooping down to her ankles. It was v difficult to watch and I remember saying to my friend why would she allow them to film this? She claimed she woke up with bells palsy and seemed VERY casual about something that caused half of her face to look like it was melting off. Well, apparently it was a brain tumor and she had brain surgery this week to remove it. There’s a reason this family has a reality show.
I realize ever since I got my Brit Brit graphic tee, I’ve really amped up my news on her but as a proud owner of a shirt with her mug on it, I feel like it’s my social responsibility to report the latest. Brit posted the above TikTok and everyone immediately started razzing on it because it was just another weird video in her lineup of walking on and off camera and doing a twirl videos that she posts on the reg. She points out the flowers and then they are in the video for .2 seconds and she just keeps popping in and out with dead eyes. A ton of people duetted with her TikTok pretending to be the videographer for this masterpiece, and out of them all, this one was my fave:
THEN, CONSPIRACY hits the comment section. Britney superfans start telling everyone to knock it off and reveal that Britney is closing in on 40 and still under a conservatorship. Basically she has no freedom to do anything without permission and all of her money goes to her dad. People believe that her dad is keeping her on a dosage of meds to make her act like a loony toon (which she clearly seems unwell on her social media) so that he can continue to control her and all of her assets. And now we’re on a #SAVEBRITNEY campaign. Also, as fans began commenting and asking if this was a cry for help, one fan told her to wear yellow in her next video if she needs help and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, BRIT WORE YELLOW. And even pointed out “this is my new yellow shirt” and at one point said she reads all of the comments. SO SOMEONE GO GET BRITNEY SPEARS AND TELL HER TO COME LIVE WTIH ME AND MY PARENTS. They don’t feed me drugs and sometimes they take me out for ice cream. We can make TikTok’s together of sound minds and you can show me how to twirl with my hands in my pockets. FREE BRIT BRIT!!!! JUSTICE FOR BRIT!
5. RIP Charlie Daniels.
This is just an excuse to post this bangerang of a song. Rest in peace, Charlie. Thank you for creating this masterpiece and allowing me to butcher it one time with my friend at a karaoke bar after a few adult bevs. We definitely felt like we crushed it, I used a borderline offensive twang and also air-played the fiddle. I hope you can forgive me from beyond the grave. Love you so much.
BONUS: Here’s a happy video of Tom Hanks having the time of his life diving into the pool on his birthday. What a gemstone he is. Bring this joy into your weekend.
It occurred to me when I was shamelessly plugging my bomb playlists before 4th of July weekend that I didn’t have the most ESSENTIAL summer playlist, a country one. I’m not sure how this has slipped through the cracks since I’ve spent the last 10+ years cranking up country at the first whisper of warm weather with the windows down. My sister finally put her foot down after we tried countless country playlists on Spotify and were annoyed at the selection. So here we are–better late than never– bringing a little life back into 2020 with a banging summer playlist. It’s no summer palooza but it’ll be a pretty hawt substitute for it. Bump this for the variety of summer adventures you’ll embark on–pool day, lake day, BBQ, bonfire, WHAT HAVE YOU. It’s time to honor the genre of music that sings about farming, shooting, drinking & babes. And if you crave a longer version that you can leave on for a full day–look no further than my Spotify (username: julia.giantomasi) where you’ll find the Uncut edition of this playlist that is 13 hours long…along with every other playlist I’ve made so don’t say I never gave you anything.
1. Long Hot Summer – Keith Urban. Obviously I’m going to kick off the playlist with my favorite musician to lovingly razz about his middle-age female sense of style. No one quite pulls off capris, chunky boots and a sensible haircut like Keith. And at the same time he delivers the tastiest guitar licks and has given us endless bangers through the years. This is on the more recent end of his catalogue and was the first song I knew needed to be included in this playlist as it captures everything that is magical about summer…except bare feet on the dash.
Country songs always make putting your feet on the dashboard sound cute and flirty when in reality it's gross and rude.
2. 99.9% Sure (I’ve Never Been Here Before) – Brian McComas. This one might be a headscratcher as to why it’s included and I’ll tell you why. My older sisters were the trendsetters for everything in my life growing up and when they started getting into country music, it was no different that I would immediately copy them. This was the very first song that they became so obsessed with, it was on repeat in our house and since it’s catchy as hell I was like YUP, I’m all in on country. My parents (not country fans) were less than pleased with this, but realized they were outnumbered and resorted to making fun of lyrics but tolerating the constant country being played. I felt it was necessary to include this song because without it, this playlist doesn’t exist.
3. Drink A Little Beer – Thomas Rhett Ft. Rhett Akins. Ah, a little cross between old country and new country on this one. TR probably wouldn’t be a country singer without his dad so he invited dear ole dad to feature on his album and then took him out on tour as well. This is a deep cut but I’ve always loved the father/son combo and it’s just an all around back country hitting the overturned pot for a beat drinkin song. Plus I love that they razz each other at the end. Rhett’s like hey kid I gave you your career and your stage name, and Thomas is like HAHA you’re old though. GM’s.
4. Beat of the Music – Brett Eldredge. Brett’s about to drop new music for the first time in two years and boy have I missed him. This is a tossback to one of his first hits where he sings about an island fling. Wouldn’t it be cool to be rich enough to have island flings? I’m jelly. I did a girls trip to Nashville a few years back and one of my friends met a guy, held hands with him all night from bar to bar, stayed at his place and used his toothbrush the next morning as if they were married for 10 years and hadn’t just met 12 hours prior. That was her vacation fling. Doesn’t quite sound as romantic as dancing on the beach to live music. Brett’s got a real way with words and obviously the ladies.
5. Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band. Listen, I know how cliche it is to include this song and yet THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THIS PLAYLIST IS. So accept it. Chicken Fried puts asses in the seats. My favorite Saratoga band used to cover this song and every single time they did, people scream-sang the chorus and then brought it down real low for the salute to the ones who’ve died. It’s got something for everyone. Passion for KFC and also a tribute to our military. It is ‘MERICA in song form.
6. Summer Nights – Rascal Flatts. Any song that starts with a shout is always going to be a real good time. Holler if you’re ready for some summer nights? HOLLLERRRRRRRRRR. Seriously, can’t get enough of the summer nights…well that’s not entirely true. I have already had enough of the skeeters. If summer nights didn’t have skeeters looking to chomp on every inch of my skin (do you know they also BITE THROUGH CLOTHES?!) it would really be GAME ON. Sorry bout it that my skin is the sweetest of delicacies. Also, this song features one of my favorite musical treats–a clap break.
7. Drink in My Hand – Eric Church. I’ve always seen Eric as suuuuch a badass. Probably because he never takes those shades off and sings almost exclusively about drinking. He’s just got that bad boy edge to him. I love this song not only because he really hits it home with how much work sucks and everyone is just trying to get through to the weekend beers, but also the part when he says: “My head Monday morning that alarm clock sings/It goes bang, bang, bang, while it ring, ring, rings.” No clue why that’s my favorite part of the song. Probably because I’ve taken to singing it with a country twang and shouting RANG RANG RANNNGGG. I have a real knack for making something 10x more annoying. Try to unhear that, I dare you.
8. When the Sun Goes Down – Kenny Chesney Ft. Uncle Kracker. Hey guys, remember Uncle Kracker? This one isn’t an all-time favorite of mine but I felt like it needed to be included to add to the all around vibes we’re trying to throw here. Also I distinctly remember changing my AIM profile to it’s summer version and including “Everything gets hotter when the sun goes down” with a Sun emoji (the kind that you had to look up a code to create because emojis didn’t exist yet.) Obviously I was a pre-teen at the time and absolutely nothing was getting hotter for me when the sun went down. But it was fun to pretend I had a scandalous life and wasn’t just going to bed at 10 pm after roasting mallows with my parents in our firepit.
9. Pontoon – Little Big Town. What a drinking anthem this was. And then Little Big Town was like oh shit, all we need to do is sing about boozing in the sun during the day? And BAM, they released Day Drinkin’. This crew really found what people want and it’s a whistle tune with lyrics about doing nothing but drinking near a body of water. AKA the only thing you should really be doing with your summer if you’re doing it right.
10. Night’s on Fire – David Nail. I’ve always loved David Nail even though he’s not the most prolific country artist but he was one of the early ones I got hooked on. This song really kicks it up and is all about spicy summer nights with a babe soda, so I’m all in.
11. Parking Lot Party – Lee Brice. This is kind of a hard one to hear this year. There are no parking lot parties happening in 2020. So we’ll just have to reminisce back on the years when concerts were allowed and you’d go on a sweaty summer night to an amphitheater in your town, guzzle brewskis in the parking lot, get to your seat, pay a small loan for a tall boy that will get warm as hell in about 20 minutes of gripping it and grooving to your favorite band. Nothing compares to a summer concert and the tomfoolery that takes place in the parking lot beforehand. This year I was supposed to see both Old Dominion and Thomas Rhett live in June to kick off my summer and obviously that didn’t happen. I considered buying a Thomas Rhett tee at Target the other day to pretend like I saw him live and bought merch. Obviously I’m not taking the news well. Hopefully by next summer we’ll be tearing up a few parking lot parties again.
12. Somethin’ Bout A Truck – Kip Moore. I’ve had fantasies about my other half being a southern gent who drives a truck for quite some time. Stephen on Laguna Beach further made me hornier for a pick up truck when he whipped that white one around town between Kristin and LC’s houses. Tim Riggins sealed the deal when he not only had a truck, but opened up Riggins Riggs with Billy to work on trucks. Obviously, I’m super into a man who trucks, which is why Kip Moore has really painted a nice picture here. Trucks are sexy and will 100% of the time lead to skinny dippin. Thank you for your service, Kip.
13. Red Dirt Road – Brooks & Dunn. Another nostalgic add. This is such a classic country song. Dirt roads, beer, truck, Jesus, a wholesome chick named Mary. It doesn’t get anymore country than that, yo. I’m so glad he got Mary back again. I would’ve been crushed if he didn’t. This song is like driving through your hometown all wrapped up neatly with a guitar groove and I love it.
14. Feels Like A Party – LOCASH. This is the portion of the playlist where we dabble in what h8ers like to call “bro country.” These two sound like they probably fratted out HOARD in college and they’re singing about a rager. Don’t get me wrong, I love turning up for a good time and that’s exactly why this song is on here. Cause “it’s only 8 and the speakers are banging” is the SIGN of a good partaaayyyy.
15. Something Like That – Tim McGraw. Remember how I told you the tall tale of how my parents hate country music and would chirp us for the silly lyrics when we refused to turn it off?! I distinctly remember my mom coming at us hot over this one. She’d go oooOoOhh “BBQ STAIN ON A WHITE T-SHIRT?!” in a mocking voice. Like the Spongebob meme 15 years before it existed. They also weren’t too fond of she thinks my tractor’s sexy–a classic in it’s own right–although let me be perfectly clear a farmers tan will NEVER be sexy. Tim McGraw hitting the NEW in New Orleans, will on the other hand, always be sexy. What a DILF.
16. Barefoot Blue Jean Night – Jake Owen. Ahhh this song will forever remind me of high school. Not because I was popular and cruised to the riverside every night to drink with the cool kids, but because I was super into waxing poetic about wanting to be young forever, as everyone is in their youth. It felt like being a grownup was SUPER far away. Those were the golden days.
17. Runnin’ Outta Moonlight – Randy Houser. Have you ever met a more romantic stud than Randy just wanting to take his boo out on a clear summer night for some truck bed star gazing?! What a dreamboat he is. Don’t keep him waiting! After listening to this song I might need to add star-gazing in a pickup to my bucket list.
18. Anything Goes – Florida Georgia Line. These two bozos have gotten a lot of flack since they hopped on the country scene and brought in hip hop influences and features on their tracks. They were told they weren’t real country. Now everyone collabs with house beats and rappers and popstars so it’s a moo point, but fist bump to them for sticking it through because I don’t know what I’d do without them. Mostly because they always wear disgusting outfits at awards shows that I can make fun of. Also because they strictly made party country songs for the first few years and I bumped them non-stop, including this one.
19. American Style – Old Dominion. Would’ve been cool as hell to see OD live this year but WuTeVeR. Not bitter or anything. This is a nice post-4th of July reminder that this country is full of a bunch of cool things like ferris wheels and leather jackets. I mean, they have them in other countries too but are they really AS COOL? Nah, son.
20. Country Girl (Shake It For Me) – Luke Bryan. There has never once been a time where this song has come on and I haven’t given it my all on the dance floor. I realize that there’s also almost NEVER a dance floor when it comes on. One time I got up on the ottoman in my living room and broke it down. When I saw him perform it live, I scooted out into the aisle so I had more space to really break it down. It is my number one, all-time, favorite country song. It helps a LOT that Luke Bryan is a backwards hat wearin, hips shakin babe and watching him shake that money-maker only inspired me to do the same every time I hear the starting beat of this song. This may be my boldest statement yet, but I know I out-perform Luke on this number. I encourage him to invite me onstage to put my hips where my mouth is and prove it once he can start touring again. I became a country girl when this song came out, shaking it for the catfish swimming down deep in the creek and I will never stop. Play it at my funeral and I betcha my corpse will shimmy out of the coffin for one last country girl shake.
Back in February (our last pre-corona bangarang weekend on the town) my sister captured my most recent performance, or so I thought–turns out she captured me slowing down and turning to tell her I was out of breathe. If I’m struggling that hard to breathe, IMAGINE HOW HARD I WAS DANCING when she wasn’t filming! Also, peep that guy next to me wondering why the hell I ran to the dance floor to dance by myself.
No seriously…never not talking about how hard in the paint I go for Country Girl Shake it For Me…Try to stop me. YOU CAN’T.
Going backless in Toga tonight and fully performed Country Girl Shake it for Me. So it's a solid start to Saturday. #byebyebyebyebyeeee
As someone who is a reality star and built her own brands for jewelry and clothing, Kristin is no stranger to marketing. And this post is nothing short of a marketing move. Her divorce has been a shitshow of her team basically slinging mud at Jay in the press with him not even saying a peep except for his Mother’s Day post on instagram giving her a shoutout (which we’ve yet to determine if she actually posted on his account.) He comes up looking like roses every time because he very clearly is not looking for publicity. Well, Kristin wanted a little attention as well. She wanted to stop looking like the bad guy, so she posts the above THE DAY AFTER FATHER’S DAY basically so everyone will applaud her for being a good sport. NOT ME, KRISTIN–NOT ME. I’m firmly Team Jay and I didn’t really need many reasons other than Kristin seems like a real sneaky bitch (plus I was always an LC stan anyway) and Jay seems like a real stand-up guy. But we were all #blessed with even more reasons to love Jay this week…
Jay made his first ever Instagram story. As someone who probably was 24/7 filming and taking portrait photos of his wife, he didn’t really have his time to shine in the sun with content. But boy oh boy, he’s making up for that now. He has created a saga that has the whole world captivated. Someone has been murdering Jay’s chickens and he NEEDS to get to the bottom of this mystery and save his “ladies.” He has a real asshole cat (all cats are assholes and people who haven’t figured it out yet are dummies) that could be a suspect, or of course whatever wild creatures live in the backwoods of Tennessee. He promises that he’ll put a camera out and stake out in his kids treehouse to get to the bottom of this. Unfortunately for all of us waiting with baited breathe to see who is murdering these chickens in cold blood, it rained the first night and really put a damper on his watch. Night two, he got down and dirty and borrowed some night vision goggles. I don’t know how he does it, but Jay Cutler has one of the most uninterested, dry sarcastic tones, but he is captivating. I NEED to know who is ravaging his chickens and I REALLY want it to be the cat because it would prove my lifelong theory that cats are sneaky murderers. Unfortunately he has already cleared the cat and apologized to it…but I won’t rest until we have a suspect in custody. I will stay up all night with Jay checking his Instagram stories for updates until there is justice served. (This is something I’m able to do as I’m just as unemployed as Jay.) Here are just some of his updates from the past 24 hours that I so lovingly screen recorded from his Insta so that everyone can enjoy this wild chicken killer chase. Savage move by the gun company to get involved for a giveaway. Now we’re monetizing this like it’s a true crime doc and I LOVE IT. NEED more Jay in my life. How much do you think Kristin is hating this attention he’s getting and how do you think she’ll try to weasel her way into it? LMK.
I guess it is for our little Alfalfa! Bug Hall was arrested this week in Texas for huffing. The only knowledge I have on huffing is that there was a 7th Heaven episode about it where Simon painted a mural with some kids from school and they were huffing paint cans. They all had red spray paint all over their faces and then got bloody noses. It was disgusting, Simon obviously narced on them and Annie Camden came in to lay down the law and tell everyone’s parents that their kids were ingesting fumes instead of a well-balanced diet. All was well by the end of the 45 minute episode. It was the 90’s when that aired…also when Bug Hall was best known. So apparently he got hooked on the cans in the 90’s and just never stopped? Because if you told me that people still huff today when there’s 90000 other drugs they could do that probably produce the same high, I’d tell you that you’re crazy. WHO HUFFS FROM A CAN?! Also, I would never have guessed that it’s ILLEGAL and grounds for arrest. Learn something new every day I tell ya. Bug is now 35…has children and was arrested in a hotel room full of fumey cans. As far as child star arrests go, I’d say this is pretty high on the list. That mugshot is WOOF (not as bad as Goldberg’s but really no one can top a methhead) and I am very embarrassed to admit that I once had a raging crush on Bug. My sister and I recently stumbled upon Get A Clue–the Disney Channel original with Bug and Lindsay Lohan and remembered thinking Bug was hot back in the day so we re-watched. We almost puked in our hands at our terrible taste in boys. We also couldn’t get past Lindsay’s horrific acting and pastel-tinted sunglasses she wore in school DURING THE DAY. The movie was switched off immediately and we opted for A Ring of Endless Light instead because a girl who can talk to dolphins was much more in our wheelhouse. Praying for Bug’s recovery from addiction to aerosol cans.
I’m just looking out for my girl here and it seems like things are moving rather quickly for her in this relationship. Not long ago she released the single “I Love Me” where she basically admitted that she has no problem showering other people with love but she hates herself and she really needs to learn how to love herself first. GURL. Have you learned yet? Because that seems like a speedy turnaround time and now you’re already in a new hot serious relationship. I’m just being a friend. I would want any of my besties to keep me in check and make sure I’m good. Plus I’ve heard (through movies and TV) that addicts aren’t advised to have a relationship in their early years of recovery. I’m no expert, but I think watching a lot of TV and movies makes me one and this seems like a slippery slope. Don’t get me wrong, Max is cute, and I’m happy if my girl’s happy but COULD this just be infatuation? Cause they’re lookin REAL PDA in these photos and I’m just wondering if it’s more about the bang bang bangity bang. Just spitballin here. Also when she said “Here’s to the future baby” and didn’t use a comma I quite literally thought it was a pregnancy announcement. So, let this be a lesson to all–grammar is key and also safe sex plz because I don’t feel like this is the right time for a Demi baby. TAKE IT SLOW GIRL, LOVE YOU LOTS! Call me! Kbyeeeeeee.
4. Ms. Frizzle Comes to LIFE.
Another idea mined from the 90’s to be recreated! Lookie lookie here! I love how everyone razzes me for how much I love 90’s pop culture and fashion, when in reality, current pop culture and fashion is obsessed with the 90’s. The Magic School Bus was LIT and anytime a teacher let us watch one of their movies instead of listening to them speak, it was like a school field trip all in itself. Ms. Frizzle was a wild teacher with crazy red hair and was like hey guys you wanna learn about this? LETS JUST FLY THE DAMN SCHOOL BUS RIGHT INTO IT! And let me be the first to say, this should stay in cartoon format. There are some things that you don’t want to see in live action 3-D and this series is one hundo percent one of them. I distinctly remember the human body episode where Frizz-nasty commandeers the bus down a kid’s throat to show everyone what germs are kicking around in his body to give him this cold. When you see germs as cartoons you’re like eh that’s kinda gross but also cool. I don’t need to see germs IRL like we’re looking under a G-D microscope. Leave that to icky science classes. Not for me. I also don’t need to see the kid have a VERY wet sneeze to get the bus out of his nose. I almost just ralphed imagining that. So once again, I’ll reiterate for those of you in the back that may not be paying attention: the 90’s were cool as hell but I’ll dictate what’s worth recreating and what’s not. Pro: Bike shorts, overalls, scrunchies, Olsen Twins & Babysitters Club. Against: The Magic School bus IRL.
5. The Chicks.
I’m REEEEEEEEEEEALLLY reaching here but the Dixie Chicks are changing their name and dropping the Dixie because it’s racist AF, I guess. Kinda like Lady Antebellum changing their name to Lady A and then pissing off a black blues singer with the same name who has been around longer than them and pointed out that them trying to take her name is exactly what white privilege is. So, The Chicks should be a smooth transition. I’m guessing musicians are trying to keep some semblance of their original name since they’ve been around forever and have albums and merch and all these copyrights on their original name…but calling yourselves The Chicks sucks. At that point just go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a whole new name but make sure you’ve got a historian in there with you to point out what can be tied to racism. But everyone’s just scrambling and shooting from the hip nowadays when it’s literally the WORST time to scramble and shoot from the hip. These things should probably be really well thought out but who am I to judge. HAHA. Just kidding. I am me and I will judge the hardest. I haven’t quite seen what shit the Chicks are getting yet but I’ll be anticipating diving in on that. The only thing I did see was this A+ tweet that made me laugh out loud. Anything that ties back to the CLASSIC that is Saved by the Bell will always get a full-belly laugh from me.
Good on The Dixie Chicks for dropping “Dixie” but “The Chicks” sounds like the name of a girl group AC Slater would put together for a talent show at The Max and Jesse Spano would hate fuck him for making her the lead singer of
Somebody please explain TikTok to me because I was producing hilarious content out the ying yang last week and it was stacks of 0 views. This week, I threw out my $17 straightener that I bought when I was 15 and learned that letting my hair air dry and then using a ConAir crimper just wasn’t going to cut it once I was a high schooler. It was an emotional ending for me as this straightener has seen the best and worst of my hair throughout the past 15 years. It was only fitting that I gave it a proper burial with Enya. I expected this to be a dud just like the rest and whatdya know I checked TikTok twenty minutes later to confirm and it had 15 likes and 152 views. SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO BE NOT FUNNY TO BE NOTICED ON TIKTOK. I do not understand this app, which makes sense because I do not understand today’s youths and I feel like the two go hand in hand. This jarred me and I wasn’t sure what my next TikTok should be–something that I laughed at or something I think a 12 year old would laugh at. Therefore I only churned out one TikTok this week. To be fair, I also produced a HILAR video of my dad cannonballing that I worked really hard to splice some throwback 90’s audio in for but when I showed it to him expecting praise and affirmation that I’m creative AND funny, all he told me was that he looked like a heffer and this video was never to be posted anywhere publicly. WOMp WOMPPPPpppPPPP. Thanks, DAD. Way to have BODY CONFIDENCE. Don’t be out here doing 100 cannonballs and telling me to film or boomerang them if you’re just going to scoff at your dad bod in them. So instead of posting that, I’ll post this bitchy tweet about how much I hate celebs and their lack of individuality. Have a good weekend, everyone except famous people who get internet adoration for being TOTAL PLAIN BAGELS.
I guess if you’re famous you can just copy another famous person’s tweet word for word and still pull 11.8K likes. Hoping to one day be THAT unoriginal and still be worshipped. 🤞🏽🙏🏽 That’s the tweet. pic.twitter.com/Xs63XGXSbr
*Technically* this news broke last week. And unfortunately for me, my sister scooped me on this while I was out of town. I wasted no time in spinning right around and scooping my bestie. It’s a scoop eat scoop world out there and we’re all just doing anything we can to stay on top. I expect that my bestie then turned to her fiancé and scooped him even though he probably couldn’t care less. Doesn’t matter. Still counts as a scoop. But I got carried away there as I tend to do. The real tragedy here is that quarantine is knocking couples down left and right. Celebs who once relied on spending 99% of their relationship traveling or living separately or constantly busy and unable to spend time together anyway hit a HOARD realization once the world shut down that PERHAPS those factors are what made their relationship work and PERHAPS being around each other all the time has reminded them that they barely tolerate each other. That’s just a shot in the dark as someone who is currently living with her parents who have been married for 38 years today (Happy Anniversary, M&D!) and if they spend too much time in each other’s presence yell at each other for breathing. My mom almost burns the house to the ground anytime my dad eats a banana near her because he chews it so grossly. Facts are facts…people aren’t meant to live inside of each other’s buttholes with no breathers and if you factor in small children on top of that, YOIKES. It’s really no surprise that celeb ‘ships are dropping like flies. Obviously the biggest loss of this particular relationship is that Kelly can no longer call Reba “Mom” and that should really take a lot of content out of the 9 different country music awards that happen annually.
2. J Baby VERY MUCH Confirmed.
Back in February it was leaked that Sophie Turner was pregnant but it was never “officially” announced and so if you’ll recall (remind yourself by re-reading HERE) I declared that if this news didn’t end up being the real deal, I’d get a face tat because I prematurely yapped about it before knowing if it was legit or not. Well THIS BEAUTIFUL FACE WILL REMAIN MY MONEY MAKER, CLEAN AS A WHISTLE! THAT IS A PREGNANT ASS WOMAN! VICTORY IS MINE MUAHAHHAHHAHHA. Ok but seriously though why keep it mums? Like if you’re not going to go full Kylie Jenner and go into hiding for an entire year until that baby is born…what’s the idea behind letting other people announce your pregnancy and then just never saying anything about it…but then waltzing around with your very OBVIOUSLY pregnant belly. Kinda a weird move here. Is she creating a diversion so we don’t know that Pri is also pregnant and we’ll have Jonai cousins same day birth (to be documented for Amazon entitled “Happiness Jr.”) Just spitballin here, but since Pri and Nick seem to be total social media whores about all of the things that go on in their life, I doubt they’d be hiding a baybay. PS I was going to get cocky a few weeks ago when the below paparazzi picture was released but it just wasn’t OVERLY preggers to me. Like I’d feel pretty awful if I was like HAHA SHE’S PREGNANT, BITCHES and she just was wearing a baggy black sweatshirt and hadn’t pooped in a couple of days. I’m glad I waited for the real money shot. Feels a lot more satisfying this way.
Remember when I did everyone a service and watched all of the new series on Netflix and Hulu just so that I could tell you which ones were garbage and which ones were probably still garbage but addicting as hell? (Catch up HERE if you missed) Outerbanks definitely fell in the latter category. For sure made for teenagers and yet every adult I follow on Twitter got sucked into its treasure hunt Pogue life wormhole. It was so awesomely bad and the center of the cheesiness was John B and Sarah–star crossed lovers. Where Pogues meet Kooks. One was a homeless orphan running from the cops, the other a privileged fancy B living in a mansion with a real doucher for a dad. (No spoilers) Obviously these two couldn’t make out on a boat while the sun set for the show and NOT fall in love IRL. Superfans were already starting to sniff out that they were boning it up so they decided to make it instaG offish. I’m not really shipping these two like many teen hearts are across the world–mostly because I found her SUPER annoying in the show and I found John B super beach babe soda but now that I follow him on Instagram and see what he’s really like, I’m over it. It was really just the waves and the fugitive life that was making his sex appeal boom for me. Now it’s just MEH. So have fun, you two crazy kids. But don’t break up right before you start filming season 2 and force a shitty story line because you can’t be professional and continue to smooch each other. (Lookin’ at you One Tree Hill….the Lucas and Brooke breakup of season 3 after their engagement failed IRL wrecked me.)
Also those two Insta’s PERFECTLY describe how boys post pictures vs. how girls post pictures in a relationship. Chase posts a hideous selfie probably not meant for anyone other than them, Madelyn posts an adorbs professional photo of them. Yup..sounds about right. My ex boyf posted a collection of my UGLIEST photos for my birthday one year (after I asked him if he was gonna even give me a social media shoutout for my 28th year) and when I pointed out how ugly I was in all of those photos he laughed. On his birthday I picked model status photos. NBD but the BIGGEST DEAL EVER boys are the worst.
4. CREEP ALERT.
Chris D’Elia is the latest alleged Hollywood creepster using his fame and celebrity status to lure teens to bang him. And here’s where I’m a little confused. One girl started out the confessions by tweeting the below (click for the whole thread):
And then within the same day, TONS of girls came forward tweeting receipts of their similar experiences. Basically high school or sometimes even middle school girls (WOOF) would reach out to him via social media saying they liked his comedy or telling him he was funny or that they saw him live…whatever. And then he would use them being fans and young dum dums to take advantage of them and demand to meet up for after show BJ’s or a whole other bunch of icky things that a thirty + year old should never be requesting from a teenager who doesn’t even have a drivers license yet. And he would have girls like this in every city as he toured and could just reach out to them for a hookup as he cruised through. I mean there’s literally hundreds of tweets to read through, some actual screenshots from the girl he was texting/messaging/emailing and some just anonymous entries because the girl didn’t want her name out there. There’s really no reason to believe that this many girls would just make this up for attention and yet here’s the statement that ole Chrissy finally released:
“I know I have said and done things that might have offended people during my career, but I have never knowingly pursued any underage women at any point. All of my relationships have been both legal and consensual and I have never met or exchanged any inappropriate photos with the people who have tweeted about me. That being said, I really am truly sorry. I was a dumb guy who ABSOLUTELY let myself get caught up in my lifestyle. That’s MY fault. I own it. I’ve been reflecting on this for some time now and I promise I will continue to do better.”
And this is where my confusion comes into play. After ALL of those confessions, you’re really gonna say Nah, WASN’T ME. wut?!
That’s gotta be one of the WORST official responses to sexual harassment/assault allegations in history. ESPECIALLY in the #MeToo era. And then on top of that to have him play a pedo on the Netflix show “You” and to have SEVERAL soundbytes with jokes about how there isn’t some conspiracy in Hollywood where older guys are banging younger girls. This is fishy as hell and I doubt this shitty statement makes this all just go away so buckle up, Chris. You’re about to get CAAAAAAANCELLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEDDDD.
It was a literal headline this week that Britney Spears got bangs. She debuted them on her Instagram, which is the eighth world wonder. If you ever want to scroll through someone’s insta and feel like you’re losing years on your life, Britney’s is my top suggestion. There are so many trashy nuggets to gain from what she chooses to share with the world and you might wonder aloud more than once, “who is doing wellness checks on her?” Well, I knew that she cut bangs thanks to the People.com article about it, but they didn’t acknowledge the fact that just days before she did the deed, she posted an entire soliloquy about how bangs make her feel pretty because she’s not pretty enough to show off her forehead. She then pulled baby hairs out of her ponytail to mimic bangs for this national declaration. WHAT A TRIP. I don’t think it would hurt for someone to just ask her with prolonged eye contact how she’s doing. Maybe one of her family members? I mean we go from her burning her gym down (and acting ho hum LOL I BURNED MY GYM DOWN about it) to chopping a fringe because her forehead is ugly. Brit…girl…it’s a known warning not to cut bangs after a breakup for a reason. Bangs are ALWAYS a regret. And let me be probably the first but certainly not the last to say WOOF. What is happening here?!
PS as many of you basic bitches know, Teej/Marshalls/Homegoods finally opened back up again this week. Women everywhere who just love a bargain flocked to their doors, my mom being one of them. There’s just a thirst that we all have within us for cheap clothes and shoes that we probably don’t need and it’s been so many months since we’ve been able to drink a tall glass of Maxxinista. I sent my mom out to test the waters and see how things were going (scope out lines and idiot crowds) and report back. Afterward, I made my first Teej trip and gave her strict instructions not to allow me to buy a bunch of stupid shit that I don’t need as I’m trying to save money and she obliged. We walked in and went our separate ways where I proceeded to pull clothes of racks at rapid speed. That’s when I stumbled upon a black graphic tee with a variation of the 2001 “Britney” album cover and my need for pop culture graphic tees TOOK OVER. It was only 8 dollars (on clearance of course) and when I presented all of my things to my mom, I fully expected that to be the first to get bounced as “shit I didn’t need.” But AU CONTRAIR, Cin told me I DID NEED THIS BRITNEY SHIRT. And now I’m the proud owner of a tee that every time I rock, I will shout It’s Britney, Bitch! And that brings me more joy than $8 could ever buy. It’s only slightly concerning that when I brought it home and modeled it for my dad he asked me if those were her new bangs. BRITNEY SPEARS GETTING BANGS WAS SUCH NEWS THAT MY DAD HEARD ABOUT IT. Also, upon my first outing to Dunks in my new tee, a GrubHub driver picking up his order shouted BRITNEY! and when I realized he was talking to me he launched into a full convo about what Britney’s son has been “tweetering.” So basically not only do I look cool as hell in this shirt, it’s also a hot topic for conversation in public. WHAT A FIND.
BONUS: Here’s your favorite part of the JUice where I hawk my own TikToks. Unfortunately I have some very solemn news for you all. I’ve regressed on the Tok. While I once was booming with thousands of views, I now REGULARLY post videos that get 0 views. TikTok does not appreciate my brand of comedy and I am incredibly disappointed in them. I’m SORRY I CAN’T DANCE. I’M SORRY I’M NOT THE MOST BOOOOORING PERSON EVER. So watch my Tiktoks if you want. Or keep them at 0 views. WHATEVER. I’m going to keep making them because THEY MAKE ME LAUGH.
The Salty Ju 