Music

The 50th ACM’s Recap

Ya’ll, first and foremost I’d like to thank Jesus Christ my Lord & Savior for the opportunity to watch every country artist thank Jesus Christ their Lord & Savior last night. Second I’d like to ask what cameras to look at when I thank them. No but actually, obviously a round stage means there are several spots to stand in and I don’t doubt there were no less than 10 cameras surrounding it, but REALLY? you couldn’t give ANYONE a quick memo or flag which camera to look at? If I drank every time a winner announced that they didn’t know where to look followed by a shout out to their boy JC I would’ve been blackout REAL quick. Without further ado, here are the things that were fabulous about last night’s show and the things that were less than fabulous.

Yay:

-Kicking off the night with a pan to a random person singing the wrong words to the opening song by Keith and Eric promptly followed by a T. Swift crowd shot. The two things I enjoy most about award shows within seconds of each other, people getting caught not knowing the lyrics and Swiftie’s awkward dance moves. (PS: IS SHE THE TALLEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD?)

-FGL performs without a whisper of a disgusting vest or overdone tassel. They’ve grown up before my very eyes and I’m just so darn proud of them for wearing normal people clothes. They best keep it up.

-Miranda Lambert showing women of the world that not all pantssuits have to be for an interview at the White House. Never ever thought i would use sexy and pants suit in the same sentence but here we are. Also performance corset. Damn, girl.

-Sam Hunt performs “Take Your Time” in red hot pants, yes please. (By perform, I obviously mean just the chorus because he’s a n00b and apparently hasn’t earned performing time yet. For shame.)

-Tony Jokes on Jokes Romo throwing a pass to Luke Bryan and then tells a quick LOL about deflategate by saying “We’re the Dallas Cowboys, we have real balls.”

-The most real mushroom cut I’ve ever seen on this guy from Alabama.

-Kelly Clarkson introduces Mommy in Law Reba and goes, “…basically what I’m saying is I have the coolest mother in law and you also can suck it.” A girl after my own heart.

-T.Swizzle gets a full on montage about how perfect she is then her mom presents the 50th Anniversary Milestone award. Andrea gives us a quick peek at Tay’s pre-star years when apparently she was a real loser in school whose only friend was her mom (poor T) and she also wrote Love Story because her parents wouldn’t let her date a guy who clearly was a turd. Then Mama Swift gets choked up so obviously I get choked up and Tay accepts and thanks the country community for being graceful and the bomb.com with her transition to pop.

-Blake Shelton sings a song about sangria mouth and all I can think about is this and have a giggle fit.

-Dan & Shay team up with Nick Jonas and sing Jealous AND Chains. Nick Jonas struts that shit and owns the damn performance, my panties melt away and I barely even notice the two country goobers with stupid identical hairstyles onstage with him in his shadow.

-Lady A performs a new banger song and wins for one of the VERY few upbeat performances of the night.

Nay:

-Lee Brice gives a quick shoutout to Randy Travis in the audience and I’m very concerned that it’s a little too soon for him to be making public appearances after his stroke/millions of health troubles because he LEGIT doesn’t move a muscle and I had to question if he was still alive.

-Most performances were medleys of the singers greatest hits and I was all in on that. Nothin but the hits, nothin but the hits, nothin but the motherf’ing hits.

-Martina McBride sings a song from 11 years ago. Way to keep it current, guys. She looks like a dime piece though.

-Luke performs “I See You” and wears a golf polo and I’d like to submit a formal petition that Luke only wears v necks with a backwards hat and shake it at least 10 times per performance. Don’t stray from what works, Luke. I don’t handle change well.

VS. (jus sayin)

-Rascal Flatts and Xtina perform together and I have not the slightest clue what song they’re singing because it’s just a bunch of sounds and vocal runs aka it’s so Xtina it hurts. I don’t remember hearing one coherent lyric in this performance. But she wore a jean jacket. Cause that’s SO country.

-Because this show is in TEXAS. Did you hear it’s in TEXAS? Well they use the Dallas cheerleaders as stage ho’s. No seriously, all they do is stand onstage when someone wins an award. Good work.

-Kenny recalls his first ACM’s when he actually had a record deal and they still sat him in the nosebleeds. Could it possibly be because he refuses to wear anything other than a cut off tee? Clean it up, Kenny.

-The amount of times that a country star introducing another star not so discreetly points out that they’re buddies or friends is exhausting. Hey, you’re all country stars who love to drink and sing about the same things. I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re all friends. No need to give AIM profile shoutouts at every introduction.

-Dr. Phil was given a mic and I wish that he wasn’t cause he shouts into it because his natural vocal decibel is always set to megaphone.

-Brooks & Dunn are performing togets for the first time in 100 years or something…Brooks (or Dunn?) is scarin me with his face though.

-My dreamboat of all dreamboats, Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year again (rightfully so) and the minute he starts his acceptance speech, someone who I’m sure was immediately fired starts playing him out with Miranda’s song “Over You.” Yiiiiikes bet that made his moment real special.

Bottom Line-Real MVP’s of the night were the man candy underdogs of country (&Nick Jonas):

GIVE IT TO ME.

Full Winners List:

Song of the Year: “Automatic”- Miranda Lambert

Vocal Duo of the Year: Florida Georgia Line

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Miranda Lambert, Most Awarded Female in Country

Vocal Group of the Year: Little Big Town

50^th Anniversary Milestone Award: Reba

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Taylor Swift

Album of the Year: Platinum-Miranda Lambert

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Garth Brooks

New Artist of the Year: Cole Swindell

Female Vocalist: Miranda Lambert

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Kenny Chesney

Single Record of the Year: “I Don’t Dance”-Lee Brice

Male Vocalist: Jason Aldean

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Brooks & Dunn

Entertainer of the Year: Luke Bryan, duhz

Music, Television

iHeartRadio Music Awards Recap

Didn’t actually know that these were a legit thing until I saw JT tweet about how he was being honored, and I don’t need to be told twice to tune into a slobbering of Justin. You also know that I never pass up an opportunity to recap an awards show either. I actually really enjoyed this one, surprisingly so it was a great decision overall. They were better than the Grammy’s. Boom. I said it.

Highs:

-Nick Jonas performing Chains wrapped in actual chains and wearing the shit out of some leather pants while hoes parade around him and bang on some drums. -The JT and Taylor Swift show. Right from the get-go we see that these two are seated at the same table and generally just F’ing around like a couple of goobers. Tay wins and JT tries to go up instead of her. They’re now rivaling Jfall and JT for besties that I could watch hang out foreva.

Justin Timberlake and Taylor Swift doing Taylor Swift surprise face will solve all your problems. #iHeartAwards pic.twitter.com/yuI0H9u2Vu

— Alex Goldschmidt (@alexandergold) March 30, 2015

-Tay wins best lyrics for Blank Space and shouts it out to all the insta captions of “darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” (kinda bummed she didn’t also include homemade mugs, cause mine is BO$$) also clarifies that she doesn’t sing about Starbucks Lovers, whatevs grl, we’ll sing what we wanna sing.

-FGL performs “Sun Daze” and neither of them are wearing a disgusting vest. Good work, boys. Keep it up.

-There are “my journey” stories from artists in between awards and performances and I actually really liked this because it was something different and probably made up for time they would’ve had to fill with Jamie Foxx telling offensive jokes and singing the I’m in love with the coco song over and over again.

-They show a peek backstage of Nick Jonas doing pushups in his leather pants and there clearly is a God.

-It becomes evident that this awards show is kind of a free for all when Jamie Foxx strolls around shooting the shit with singers asking them to practice their winning faces and gettin all up on “random white girls” before they literally cut him off mid-sentence. I love a good hosting train wreck.

-JT’s teal suit, jizzworthy montage of all of his greatest achievements with his besties bowing down to him & entire acceptance speech for the innovator award (except the last lines ugh, still won’t accept that he’s not all mine.) Watch in full below (2:21 for montage, 5:22 for speech)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrENyNbkog0

-Jason Derulo performs “Want to Want Me”. Those dance moves, tossing the mic around like a seasoned vet, thrusting, that falsetto…all equal YES. -Sam Smith has a pre-recorded crooning of “Lay Me Down” with candles and an orchestra. So smooth.

-Madonna performs a song that was suuuperrr lame but recruited Taylor Swift to play acoustic guitar in a sexy black lace dress with thigh high black boots and it becomes very clear that even Madonna understands that in order to have her tired performance noticed she needed Tswizzle to spice it up. All she did was strum the guitar and those legs still stole the show. – Nate Reuss performs “Nothing Without Love” wearing a very Hamptons-esque whoutfit, but also has a case of the scary eyes while singing. He lays it all out on the line though cruising around the stage in those loafers and crushes the song.

Lows:

-Jamie Foxx makes some cracks about Suge Knight in his monologue and obviously doesn’t realize that Suge can still have him killed from the clink, probably should be a little more terrified about that. Also cheap shots about Bruce Jenner’s trans-gender thang. Yikes.

-Meghan Trainor performs “Dear Future Husband” with an unnecessary bedazzled sailor cap and it’s pretty snoozeworthy.

-“Stay tuned for something everyone will be talking about tomorrow so you don’t wanna miss it.” Every awards show teaser EVER. I HIGHLY doubt my boss will be dying to talk about T. Swift playing guitar for Madonna. Nice try.

-Rihanna premieres new song “Bitch Better Have My Money” with a ‘copter onstage and wearing that. No thanks. -Ian Ziering presents with Left Shark. Left shark has 1000% jumped the ship, pun intended. This joke has been drowned to death. NO MORE LEFT SHARK, PLEASE.

-Brantley “Bedazzled and jewel encrusted cross t-shirt” Gilbert wins the renegade award (the throw everyone who hasn’t been nominated into this one, award) and feels it’s necessary to tell everyone that he’s not wearing lip gloss, he just kissed his fiance. Oh ok.

-Why is Chris Brown allowed anywhere? Why is he still releasing music, why is he still famous, why is his hair green? WHY. Go away, Breezy.

-Snoop Dogg forever will give me the heebie jeebs.

Best Dressed (Obviously):

View this post on Instagram

These two are pretty awesome. 😎 @justintimberlake @taylorswift #iheartawards @iheartradio

A post shared by Nick Jonas (@nickjonas) on Mar 29, 2015 at 10:20pm PDT

Not coincidentally, the best dressed of the night were also the top three that dominated this show and made it entertaining. Ok, okay these two looked pretty bangin too. Need Pitch Perfect 2 and I needed it yesterday.

Full Winners List

Best Lyrics- “Blank Space”-Taylor Swift

Hip Hop/R&B Song of the Year- “Don’t Tell Em”- Jeremih ft. YG

Innovator- Justin Timberlake

Best New Artist- Sam Smith

Best Country Artist- Jason Aldean

Best Fan Army- 5SOSFan What?

Best Collaboration- “Bang Bang”- Jessie J, Ariana & Nicki

Renegade- Brantley Gilbert (this award is the most random)

Best Dance Song of the Year- “Summer”- Calvin Harris

Alternative Rock Song of the Year- “Take Me to Church”-Hozier

Song of the Year- “Shake it Off”- Taylor Swift

Artist of the Year- Taylor Swift. Duhs.

Movies, Television

Oscars 2015 Recap

Not one to miss out on milking this shit for all it’s worth, I of course had to also recap the big kahuna of all awards shows, the Oscars. The Oscars are notorious for being long and boring as shit. There’s not a lot of alcohol, there’s 1 million categories, many of which contain movies in different languages and they’re really serious. Last year Ellen hosted and managed to make it upbeat and snappy and not excruciating. This year I had high hopes that Neil Patrick Harris would pick up where she left off. Unfortunately, he did not. Here are the highs and lows of the Oscars including a little breakdown of NPH’s opener.

NPH’s monologue was a little bit of talking and a WHOLE lot of singing. I’m not into musicals so that didn’t really do it for me. Save it for the Tony’s. He kicks it off with a great joke about Selma getting snubbed: “Tonight we honor the best and whitest–sorry brightest.” and it all goes downhill after that. The musical number is about how great movies are and there’s a lot of green screen graphics, then Anna Kendrick joins in for shits and hey why not Jack Black too? Jack hates on movies though so they kick him offstage and AK throws her shoe at him. At this point I wanted to throw my shoes at my TV, but I held out hope it would pick up.

Anna Kendrick sang about NPH getting his throat slit in Gone Girl and they shouted it out to the Kanye interruption which I never need to hear a joke about again for the rest of my life. We all need to cut the shit with giving Kanye the attention he so dearly wants.I think the best part of this opening song was when they panned to the crowd and everyone had a blank stare, I’m also pretty sure Jason Bateman was asleep. Look, alive Oscars…there’s more shitty jokes to come! Here are the best and worst moments, neither of which contain a star-studded selfie that broke Twitter (Miss you Ellen).

Highs:

-NPH’s several tux changes were on point.

-JK Simmons wins and tells everyone to call their parents and listen to them for as long as they want to talk and tell them you love them. This went into effect for me immediately when my mom started texting me from her email on her brand new iPhone 6 that she has no idea how to use. Luh yuh Mom, but technology isn’t for you.

-Adam Levine performs “Lost Stars” from Begin Again (when he dabbled in acting) and every woman in America needed a change of undies after he got down on his knees to serenade them.

-Polish filmmaker won for foreign film “Ida” gave the longest no F’s given speech ever. He rambled on and called out his drunk Polish friends and as the music started to play him off he just shouted over it until the music was like K, you win. Nailed it. This set a precedent for everyone to give absolutely no regards to the orchestra for the rest of the night. If they really wanted someone to get offstage they were going to have to go up there and drag them off. Well played.

-Neil Patrick Harris hit the crowd and was chatting with all of the seat fillers and pretended that Steve Carrell was also one. It was awkward and unfunny but Steve actually rescued this bit as he’s known to do. He was the best at improv club after all.

-Patricia Arquette wins for best supporting actress and is suuuuper out of breath but she manages to get out some Feminist, Girl Power equal pay shoutouts and Queen Meryl pulls her pom poms out from under her seat and almost rushes the stage in excitement. JLo also shakes it for feminism.

-Common and John Legend perform Glory and bring the house down. John Legend can serenade me with his angel voice until forever. Apparently Hollywood agrees because they get a standing O and lots of tears.

-The Ultimate CREEP of the night award goes to none other than John Travolta. He started things off hot on the red carpet by getting all up in ScarJo’s biz:

Then Idina Menzel presented with him, introduced him as Glom Gizingo (Ha-Ha…Get it cause last year he called her Adele Dazeem and we heard about it for the next 7 months?) and he delivered a quick face rape that I had to cover my eyes for. Here’s a friendly tip, Glom, if you want to seem hip and in on the joke, maybe don’t also give everyone the heebie jeebies while you’re at it. Easily the most entertaining moment of the night though watching Idina try to escape his petting with a smile on her face like this was all planned.

-Glory wins for best song and we find out that Common’s real name is Lonnie Lynn.

-Lady GaGa does a Sound of Music tribute and for once in her life wears a gorgeous dress, doesn’t do anything zany with her hair or makeup and let’s her great singing voice do the talking. I can dig it. Julie Andrews can too because she geeks out over it and they hug it out.

-Guy with glasses in the hairtastic Birdman crew thanks Larry, his dog, among his children. Seriously why don’t dogs get more shout outs at awards show? They’re more important than your children.

-“Gone Girl was originally titled ‘Bitches Be Trippin, Yo’”-NPH

-Eddie Redmayne wins best actor which was announced in the most casj fashion ever from Cate Blanchett, “Okie dokey, Smokey, the winner is…” (I’m guessing that wasn’t on the teleprompter.) Anyway, Eddie loses his shit onstage and it’s kinda adorable and kinda frightening at the same time. He pulls it togets long enough to shout it on out to ALS. No ice buckets though.

Lows:

-Tegan & Sara/Lonely Island perform “Everything is Awesome” from the Lego Movie. Apparently children’s movies are now best enjoyed on acid because this performance had strobe lights and bright colored cowboys and stuffed dogs. It was too much.

Also since when are three goobers who sing about jizzing in their pants and F-ing mermaids allowed to soundtrack a kids movie? I was really holding out for a remix with one of the old classics. It didn’t happen so feel free to listen to them anyway to forget that stupid song about being awesome.

-There’s a whole lotta suicide action at the show and it’s a real downer. Two women win for (something I’ve never seen and therefore quickly forgot) and as the music is aggressively playing them off, one woman says that she lost her son to suicide and we should all talk about it. The music immediately cuts and maybe we should talk about this later? Then Graham Moore from The Imitation Game accepts an Oscar and is all thanks Oprah for my Oscar tralala when I was fifteen I tried to kill myself. He makes it inspiring but things took a sharp turn real quick. The moral of the story is keep being weird and different and alive and you too will one day get to meet Oprah.

-NPH takes to the crowd again to do a bit with David Oyelowo about how nothing is offensive with a British accent (which usually is true, Brits get away with everything cause they sound classy AF) but this time it’s a really lame bit that’s unfunny. C’mon Neil. Actually while we’re on shitty bits, let’s also discuss when he comes out in his tighty whities. We get it, you have abs for days, but was this necessary?

-This year’s “pizza” joke was the locked box that NPH kept his predictions in that he made before the show even started and then brought it up 100 times throughout the night to assure everyone that they were secure and have not been tampered with. At the end of the night the payoff is a bunch of one liners of specific things that happened throughout the night. It was stupid and drawn out. The only prediction I laughed at was “Travolta will be back again next year to apologize to Idina for all the face touching.”

-Meryl opens up for the In Memoriam segment saying that actors will always be remembered because we have their body of work that will always live on. Basically if you haven’t performed in something everyone will forget you after you die. The In Memoriam segment itself is just a bunch of drawings of dead people set to sad music. WOOooOooF. Then Jennifer Hudson uses her powerhouse voice to honor them. She has slicked back hair that my mom described via text, “must feel yucky to touch.”

-Terence Howard almost cries onstage about Selma and then gets grabby with the mic which obviously causes some feedback. First time on stage bro?

-Sean Penn presents Best Picture to Birdman and announces it gracefully with “Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?” A little racism to end the night on…the director responds with, “Two Mexicans in a row, that’s suspicious I guess.” Yiikes.

And that completes the 3 1/2 hour portion of my life dedicated to awards shows every Sunday. I hope that you enjoyed my endless recaps and fashion blogs this awards season. We’ll pick up right where we left off when the 500 Country Music Awards start again in a just a few months time. I for one, cannot wait.

Movies, Red Carpet, Television

Oscars Red Carpet 2015

This is the last time this season that I’ll get to snark all over famous people in designer dresses while I wear an oversized tee shirt and yoga pants glued to my couch…and it’s bittersweet really. Awards season just flew right on by, and yet it’s still winter. Here are the people who showed up to the biggest awards show in the biz looking wooftastic. To be fair though, they did have to deal with some pretty aggressive rainfall and for that alone they deserve all the awards.

Worst Dressed:

Eddie Redmayne’s plain suit and hunchback posture and his wife’s curtain dress. No and no.

This saggy dress is doing nothing for her Gina Rodriguez’s body but make it look like she has a uniboob. Also that bun is aggress.

First time ever Jared Leto’s hair hasn’t been on point. Add in an umbrella and powder blue suit and I can’t get on board.

JK Simmons and wifey look like they’re posing for one of those old timey Wild West photoshoots.

Thank GOD this is the last awards show because I’ve had ENOUGH of Keira Knightley and her whimsical butterfly applique dresses.

Hate to do this because Kelly looks great, but John Travolta IS a wax figure, right? Hard to believe I used to crush on him during the Danny Zuko days. Also he’s wearing a chain choker.

Not into the white suit on anyone.

This is probably the most normal thing Lady GaGa has worn and yet she still managed to borrow Mr. Clean’s gloves and ruin it.

Don’t even know who this is but this dress is hideous. Sorry, girl.

I really loved this a lot, Marion Cotillard and then I saw the back…

This looks a little witchy for me.

I get that Meryl is God and everyone bows down to her but seriously can she start dressing like it? These church outfits with her hair pulled back are real roughsicles.

That red belt ruined it for me. Looks like a karate belt.

Yucky.

WAY too much green. Also reeeaalllllyyy not into her David Beckham hair.

1. Why is Solange Knowles at the Oscars? 2. Where is her body?

Will.i.am channeling Beetlejuice.

This bid Zendaya has been at every awards show this season looking terrible and I would like an explanation. How does a Disney channel star get to attend everything and bomb the red carpet every single time?

Real Talk: This dress is not doing her any favors.

Again, not doing any favors. I know she’s skinny AF but she looks wide here.

Meh.

Best Dressed:

I almost put Reese on the worst dressed list simply because I think this was her worst look this season. But then I decided to stop being a B…she still looks good I guess.

Hawtest couple of the night. Suits on point.

Although this is a side shot, JLo’s boobs were OBVIOUSLY out to play. Yeah yeah she always looks young and hot and great. Blah, blah. She wore the same exact dress all season. Yawn.

This photo only made the list because Mark Ruffalo’s wife looks great but check out that stank face. Girl is ABOVE this red carpet bullshit.

America looks GREAT and it’s a color no one else wore, props.

Can’t resist that sparkle on Anna Faris.

Wittle baby Ansel crushing his first Oscars.

I’m a sucker for a turquoise necklace.

One of my fave couples bringing it as always.

Jessica Chastain getting boobalicious but not over the top (JLo, take notes.)

Cheryl Hines looking young and fresh in a sparkly one strap.

Chloe Grace Moretz in a princess ball gown.

Yum. Where’s his “best friend from home” Tara?

Damn, grl.

Could’ve dressed up the gym ponytail but whatevs I’ll throw her a bone for the dress.

David Oyelowo (still have to google that) always has a snazzy tux.

Edward looks plain but his wife is pulling that mermaid dress OFF.

Not my favorite from Emma, I mean her sparkle pantsuit DID win my best dressed of the night at the Globes, but not the worst either.

Almost won my favorite look of the night until Cin got all Joan Rivers on me and told me it wasn’t that great. Whatevs. I think this dress is cool and different.

Flower’s a little much but Gwen looks gr8.

Jamie Chung with a fireworks dress.

Jen is back in my good grace’s after some terrible looks this season. Ending on a high note.

Only yellow of the night!

UNCLE JESSE!!!

SUMMER’S HERE. Lara Spencer rockin that hot pink/turquoise combo.

I’m pretty sure Laura Dern is old as shit and she DOES NOT look like it here.

Lupita just knows how to red carpet it up.

This is mostly about Miles Teller’s hawt girlfriend bringing the heat.

SASS in the BACK.

Another one ending on a high note after a dicey awards season, Rosamund Pike.

Twist on the typical black gown.

Nance looks fab, I guess Steve does too.

Viola Davis in a flattering ball gown.

AK with coral and T’s (tastefully) out for the red carpet.

Didn’t she just pop out twins? Pregnancy Rack – Baby Bump= Bangin.

And finally my favorite look of the night and Best Dressed of the Oscars 2015 goes toooooooooo……

Margot Robbie, the australian smokeshow who is my age. I also look like this when I go out on the town, so whatevs.

Bonus: Other than a bunch of stupid questions and awkward what are you wearing’s, this happened on the red carpet, and it was adorbsies:

Music, Television

The Grammy’ZzzzZZZzz Recap

The Grammy’s are the biggest awards show for music, and they usually contain only a handful of awards and then several hours of performance. This is a great concept because most people would rather see the performances anyway, IF THEY’RE FUN AND UPBEAT. Last night’s show was the MOST boring awards show I’ve ever watched. They allowed snooze machine after snooze machine get onstage and croon out slow jams. It was a real struggle to stay awake for almost three hours with every performance serenading me to sleep. It was also the night of oldies collaboration, I assume in attempts to teach our youth who the classics are so they can cut the shit with tweeting out “AC/DC sounds like a really cool new artist.” I’m guessing it didn’t work. (Mostly because “Who Is Beck” was trending…)

We started off the night being reminded that LL Cool J is still hosting this thing, 20 years later. He’s also still wearing the same Kangol and licking those juicy lips every 30 seconds. Good to see some things never change. (He also forgoes a monologue…probably because he doesn’t want to get boo’ed off the stage—by me.)

The opening act is AC/DC and looking back I think this is the point where the Grammy’s really fooled us. I can see it now, some producer saying let’s open the show with a rockin performance from AC/DC so they’ll get all riled up for a bangin show and then we’ll hit em with the snooze button for the remaining three hours. Nailed it. This performance was for the old people and they really hit their target audience because I got a text from my mom that just said “ACDC!!!!” She was pretty excited. I personally kept thinking I was watching the final performance from School of Rock and was waiting for Zack Mooneyham to come out and melt faces with his guitar solo because of this outfit:

Here’s the breakdown of the rest of the night…

Sleepies:

-Ariana Grande’s performance of “Just A Little Bit of Your Heart” gives me just a little bit of the sleepies.

-Jessie J and old guy (Tom Jones…I googled it) sing “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling” and Jessie J’s atrocious outfit is distracting me from this weird duet. Also Jessie’s voice wasn’t on point as it usually is.

-Kanye has his first Grammy’s performing in 6 years. I know that because the announcers reminded me 10 times, I’m surprised Kanye also didn’t remind us. He has a single spotlight on him as he sings “Only One” about baby North with an Autotuner. He’s also dressed up for the occasion with a full red sweatsuit. Side Note: Is autotune still a thing? I thought T-Pain killed it like 6 years ago. (AKA the last time Yeezus was allowed to perform at the Grammy’s. Never mind, it makes sense now.)

-Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani sing a song with only the words yes and yeah in it. It blows and Gwen tries to riff it up like Xtina would. No, no, no. They both look hawt though, so there’s that.

– Hozier performs “Take Me To Church” with that mop of curls and Annie Lennox pops in to give us all the scaries and sing a bunch of noises with crazy eyes.

-Prezzy Barack Obama makes a cameo to remind us how awful domestic abuse is, I’m lookin at you Chris Breezy. Then we’re all treated to a weird poetic speech from a domestic abuse survivor and by the end of her talk I genuinely thought I had just watched a scene from a play. It was a nice touch to add some downer abuse and violence snippets to a show full of sad, slow songs. High alert for wrist cutting last night.

-Katy peforms in a tight white dress that makes her look 3 months pregs and there are no gimmicks, no sharks with legs, and CERTAINLY no Missy. Booooooooo.

-Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett perform “Cheek to Cheek.” Gags writhes her body all over Tony’s and I don’t know how he doesn’t have a heart attack on the spot. She clearly rolled around in Cheeto dust pre-performance and also doesn’t know what to do with her hands because they keep spazzing.

-The KING of grooving, Ursher baby, sings a LULLABY with a harp and Steve Wonder comes out for a hot second. WHY. This is the point of the night where I had given up on ever hearing happy music again.

-The SUPER hyped up collaboration of Rihanna, Paul McCartney & Kanye where Paul’s mic is 100% turned off. He’s just there for shock value and to fuel more youth tweets of “Who is Paul McCartney?” Rihanna sounds gr8 even though she is wearing a baggy suit from Men’s Warehouse. Kanye tries to steal the show the entire time. At one point he shouts at Paul to pay his bail, it’s the most interaction Paul gets all night as he mimes into a muted mic and tries to keep up with the cool kids who are about four five seconds from WILDIN’.

-Sam Smith and Mary J Blige perform “Stay With Me” TWICE. Great voices, not exactly an upper.

-Chris Martin & Beck perform and basically are twins. They sing a slow song, obv.

-Beyonce was who I was waiting for all night to end the show on a BANG. She comes out wearing an angel-esque wedding gown with a full choir behind her and I slip into a deep coma never to return again. It’s embarrassing how long I waited for her to strip that gown off and shout BRING DA BEAT IN. Spoiler alert: She didn’t.

-John Legend and Common perform Glory after Bey and I think I was throwing things at my TV at this point. JK I was sleeping.

Highlights:

-Pharrell wins solo pop performance, struts onstage in his biz Bermudas and says “this is really awkward” a couple times before getting played offstage. If he’s referring to wearing knee length dress shorts to an awards show than I agree, it is really awkward.

-Miranda performs “Little Red Wagon” in a full leather bodysuit and cowboy boots, the sass is AMPED up and she wins the award for most upbeat song of the night.

-The REAL Barry Gibb comes onstage to present and all I want to see is this:

-Madonna the 56 year old wearing a red corset bodysuit has the second most upbeat performance of the night and she basks in the glory by slamming her crotch into her dancers faces. Her barf.com arms also make a debut when she strips her sparkle jacket off and the grand finale is when her limp body is risen above the stage. You do you, Madge.

-Josh Duhamel, Julian Edelman and Malcolm Butler present an award, clearly Malcolm gets a little nervsies and poops his pants trying to read the teleprompter, then they tell a cheesy interception joke when Malcolm snatches the winner out of Josh’s hands. LOL. No but seriously, I didn’t even care that this was super awks, Josh Duhamel and Julian Edelman were standing side by side and it was a breathtaking view. Fingers crossed Edelman took my advice on snatching phones up in Hollywood last night or we’re gonna have a lot of pics to sift through this morning from all his lays.

-Ed performs “Thinking out Loud” and it is magic and there might be some tears from me out of sheer joy from Ed saving this trainwreck. John Mayer joins him onstage just to make weird faces and play backup guitar. Go away, John. This is Ed’s moment. (Kim K is the only one sitting when Ed gets a standing O at the end. Killlll yerrrrseeelllffff.)

-Ed performs with some old people (Electric Light Orchestra?) and we get the funniest moment of the night when they pan to Paul McCartney as the ONLY one standing and getting his groove on. They keep a camera on him for so long it basically shames him into sitting down. Way to go, producers.

-This guy’s hair:

-BECAUSE WE JUST CAN’T LET HAPPY DIE. Pharrell performs a “new version” and is wearing a bellhop uniform with yellow sequin sneaks. The start of his performance his him shouting out things and Google Translate shouting it back to him in other languages. There’s choir action and piano solos and at the end Pharrell says, “I’m in your service oh Lord.” Bruh, God is ALSO sick of Happy so if you were in his service you wouldn’t have played it. Get outta here.

-Prince is still a creeper.

-Beck wins album of the year and asks for a recount. Kanye stands up to try to do a repeat of “Imma let you finish but…Beyonce had the best video of all TIME.” Beck welcomes him onstage to save us all from his awkward speech full of long pauses but Kanye’s like nah JUST KIDDING GUYS. I’m a sensitive father now, I don’t play that game anymore. Buzzzzzzzkilllllll.

-Apparently Kanye & T.Swizz do the Parent Trap handshake during a commercial break and become besties again, 6 years post-incident. If there’s also a collab in the future I quit music.

-Sia’s performs Chandalier with an extravagant set that is supposedly recreating a painting of “The Invisible Man” (This obv. went way over my head, but I read it somewhere.) The performance opens with Shia LaBeouf reading a strange letter. Sia stands in the scene facing the wall, singing and her dancers are Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms and Kristen Wiig. Kristen hopping around in a leotard and doing goofy faces made me laugh out loud like I was watching an SNL sketch. Prob not what Sia was going for, but it was interesting to say the least. Also personal note to Sia: cut the shit with the hiding of your face. She does it because she doesn’t want to be famous YET we all know what she looks like. Enough is enough. I was praying she would win to see how she would handle her acceptance speech. Would she steal one of Daft Punk’s helmets from last year?

-Lots of blind jokes with Stevie Wonder and Jamie Foxx. Good to see he still has a sense of humor about his lack of sight.

-Sam Smith won literally all of the awards. He thanked his ex-BF for being a scumbag and getting him all deeze Grammy’s and also confessed that he once tried to lose weight to be successful and the lesson to take away here is don’t ever diet because if you don’t you’ll have four Grammys to show for it.

Winners:

Best New Artist- Sam Smith

Best Solo Pop Performance- Happy, Pharell

Best Pop Vocal Album-Sam Smith

Best R&B Performance- Drunk in Love, Beyonce

Best Rock Album- Beck

Best Country Album- Miranda Lambert

Album of the Year- Beck

Song of the Year- Stay With Me, Sam Smith

Record of the Year- Sam Smith

As a reward for sitting through that pile of sad, slow garbage, here’s the best performances from last year to cleanse you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BidCMrrJXA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNUP_ECWMQo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ImE8QV5Fs0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FY4MRdQOdE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSaxGesjybA

Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammy’s Red Carpet

It was music’s biggest night and the singers put on their best, which unfortunately wasn’t great. The best dressed list was a true struggle to populate and it’s not just because I’m a judgmental asshole. I had people weigh in this time. Let’s get things started with the never-ending

Worst Dressed:

Ariana Grande with her signature tight ponytail that looks like it’s painful and a gown that looks like it was unfinished so they pinned a scrap of metallic material over it in an emergency.

Ashanti. Do less. Also how dare you show up to the Grammy’s without Ja Rule on your arm? Show some respect.

Charli XCX. Do even less than Ashanti. Was this supposed to be a bit? Did I miss something here?

Trash bag meets unraveling loofah on Ciara.

Damn it with those milkmaid braids that look to be weighing your head down, Iggy. I don’t even hate the dress because I’ve seen her do worse, but those braids really rough it up.

Legit question, why is Jane Fonda at the Grammys? In a green leisure suit nonetheless.

I actually don’t understand how Kanye is seen as a fashion icon. His obsession with deep V’s is almost as aggress as his wife’s obsession with showing off her lady bits on the internet.

I had to do a double take because I thought that Katharine McPhee was JWoww.

I think I actually like the purple hair more than I like this dress.

Kimmy, thanks for gracing the Grammy’s with your presence in a bedazzled bathrobe. Would you like me to grab your slippers?

Bonus points for matching the hair to the dress but yikes put the bewbs away.

KANGOL. NUFF SAID.

Madonna, you’re 56, woof. Time to retire the corsets.

This is conservative for Miles. That being said she looks straight up terrible. Is she coming down from a bender?

I would expect nothing less from someone who sings about buhholes.

Pharrell & Wife trying to one-up his historic Arby’s hat moment from last year with a nice readywear gym couples outfit.

Rihanna saw this online and thought it was cool. I’m wondering if that means she stumbled upon the DIY loofah costumes on Pinterest. She looks like she’s 400 pounds.

Ryan Adams taking his divorce with Mandy Moore well in a Canadian Tuxedo.

The Dumb and Dumber hairstyle, the hideous colored dress and matching lip. No thank you, Zendaya.

Best Dressed:

Anna Kendrick with the ever popular this season, tuxedo-no bra combo.

BeyBey with the mermaid waves and form-fitting lace gown.

Chrissy Teigen crushes red carpet looks all day erreday.

Gwen Stefani wearing the pantsuit well and also keeping up appearances for her performance (see recap).

I see you in that green velvet suit, Jesse. ❤

Jennifer Hudson’s hair is looking pretty mom-ish but damn that body! The dress fits her well and looks great.

MJ Blige with an age approps and beautiful gown.

I’m still half in half out on this one, but I think I’m leaning toward in so here it is. Meghan Trainor trying something different.

Not my favorite for Miranda but she crushes her peformance outfit so that helped her make this list. (see recap)

Normally not a hat person but Ne-Yo is lookin real smooth.

Nick Jonas with the fitted plaid suit paired with white kicks. Wish he picked different shoes but he looks real trendy.

Nicole truly looks the best I’ve seen her look in a long time. Keith doesn’t deserve to be on the best dressed because of THAT HALF UP, HALF DOWN HAIRDO. NO KEITH. NO PONIES. (He also seems pretty casj about Nicole TOWERING over him.)

Lovin on that dress on Kimberly and the sleek pony.

Hate the hair, half in on the dress. I think the sparkles distracted me. And I drank a lot of wine tonight.

Jessie J in this sheer black number is pretty classy. Never into the greasy slicked back hair.

AND THE BEST DRESSED OF THE EVENING GOES TO:

This isn’t even me being a biased Taylor super fan. This look is awesome. The dress fits well, has sass in the back, is a spicy color and the legs + purple heels just seal the deal for me. Could’ve gone without the earrings that look like ones my mom used to have that I thought were costume jewelry and she was like no these are real earrings I wear in public, but whatever. I’m not going to nitpick, it’s not really my style. 😉

Keep reading for the full 4 hours condensed into highs, lows and cat naps in my Grammy’s Recap.

Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

Golden Globes Red Carpet Looks

The stakes are high as the first legit awards show of the season and my judgements will be harsh. I make no apologies and must reiterate that I literally know nothing about high fashion and these are all my sassy opinions formed after one glance. I also feel compelled to point out that while these women probably starve themselves 90% of the time in preparation for these few moments walking a red carpet, I am sitting on my couch, unshowered, shoving pizza into my mouth and telling them that they look ugly. All the credibility in the world, obviously.

Worst Dressed:

Alan Cumming in a skin tone suit. Yuck.

Amanda Peet looking like she wrapped herself in a bedsheet. Not flattering.

I guess this is very Bill Murray…slob kebab style.

Claire Danes borrowed her gammy’s dress.

Jemima Kirke looking like she stepped out of the 1990’s, only thing missing is butterfly clips and foam platforms.

Jessica Chastain with untasteful cleavage and gold lamé.

Hey Kate Mara, this could’ve been on the best dressed if you didn’t throw in that stupid belt.

Katie Cassidy leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. Do less.

Keira Knightley. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Wins worst look of the night, year, possibly ever.

This is so blah, baggy and unflattering. Also off the shoulder is so 80’s duhz, Kristen Wiig.

This looks like a shitty bridesmaid dress. Also Lena Dunham always looks like frumpmaster frump.

Lorde in the baggy pants suit. (She probably borrowed that crop from her cheerful bestie Tay)

BLAH BLAH BLAH. We all know I think Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like the homely aunt at every public event. (her and Lena must be attending the same wedding circa 1992)

Maria Menunous with boob patterns and slicked back hair.

I read somewhere that Melissa McCarthy recently lost like 50lbs…this outfit does NOT show that. Also, waitress.

Rosamund Pike wearing a spaghetti strap dress that is just too much and makes her look top slops.

Taryn Manning in a literal trash bag.

Cotton Candy nightmare for Zosia Mamet.

Somewhere In Between:

The Clooneys make their red carpet debut and it’s lackluster. The dress is just fine..the gloves are stupid. ARE YOU ABOVE US OR SOMETHING, AMAL?

Is Eddie Redmayne wearing a velvet suit? Kinda lame. His wife’s dress is pretty so that’s how they landed in the middle.

I’ve seen G look fresher. Not cray about the mermaid bottom.

Miss Golden Globe Greer Grammar kind of looks like she bought this from a prom dress store.

Jen!! Hair down. Always.

Meh=Matthew’s scraggly beard, the top half of Camila’s dress.

I truly hate to knock my favorite hosts of all time, but these outfits are not doing it for me. Fingers crossed for some improvements in the many outfit changes during the show.

Best Dressed:

Real Talk: Has Adam Levine ever not looked bangin? Answer: No.

Adrian Grenier owning that plum suit.

Allison Tolman in a tasteful black chic gown.

Red came in hot tonight and Allison Williams looked old Hollywood glam.

Good color, simple and classy.

Not in love with the hair on Anna Kendrick but the dress is on point.

Catherine Zeta Jones in the classic red ball gown.

Hottest couple looking perf.

Anna Faris stepped it up and she’s not even hosting this one. Pratt looks good without trying.

Chrissy Teigen looking like a smoke with a sassy pony.

Dakota Johnson with the classic disco ball dress. Still not hot enough to be in 50 Shades but I digress.

David Oyelowo with a SNAZZY patterned metallic suit.

Pacey and Diane Kruger killing it as always.

Ellie Kemper pulls off the sparkly patterned dress and red lip.

Emily Blunt looks like a greek goddess.

Emmanuelle Chiriqui legit does not age.

Gina Rodriguez from the CW show I thought would be cancelled, loving the fringey bottom of the basic black.

JLo still on a mission to remind everyone that she may be 45 but she sure don’t look it. Legs and tits for days.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, another one who never looks her age.

I respect the hell out of this NYE party frock.

Kate Beckinsale almost won fave look of the night but the bun didn’t complete the look for me.

KATE HUDSON. BOOB. JOB. SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE.

COULD KATHERINE HEIGL BE SKINNIER? DAMN.

Katie Holmes looks like she did in the Dawson’s finale and I LOVE it.

I hate this dress so much that I love it. I can’t even explain that.

Good color on Leslie Mann.

Lupita kills red carpets. Always on fleek (the kids are saying that these days…)

Mouth wateringly handsome. ALWAYS. Bomer jams. Amirite?!

Naomi Watts with a super cool snake necklace and another great yellow.

Natasha Lyonne doing simple and elegant.

Hate the hair, love the dress.

Red sweeping the red carpet. No coincidence.

And naturally the most coveted of honors-the winner of my fave look of the night is… A TIE.

NEVER though my fave look would be a jumpsuit but I LOVE this look, even the capey thing in the back. Emma Stone kept it simple with jewels and hair and let the sparkle top do the talkin.

Reese Witherspoon had a big year with films and looks GR8 in this simple slimming gown. Less is more (also can you tell I’m into the sparkles?)

Television

Golden Globes Recap

Did I have unreasonably high expectations for this year’s Golden Globes because Amy and Tina have killed it for two years now? Yes, yes I did. I poured myself a tall glass of wine (red…because I’m an adult now) and settled in for some LOL’s with people I pretend are my close friends. I’m gonna have to admit that the monologue was funny with some jokes that crushed it, but overall I don’t think this was their best one. Probably because it was their last and they mailed it in but let’s break it down.

The Monologue:

The focus of their jokes right off the bat were North Korea, unfortunately but at least they got a few jabs at the shitty movie that started this drama “The Interview”, Amy thanked North Korea for “forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.” While discussing the big movies up for awards, Amy & Tina pointed out that there was a live painting of Big Eyes in the audience as the camera panned to Emma Stone. Emma proved to be the good sport of this year’s awards and hammed it up, taking the joke like a champ. The gals explain what cake is to the starving actresses of Hollywood and say that it’s something women who admit that they have aged get on their birthday. It wouldn’t be an awards show without mention of Clooney and his new other half, Tina lists all of Amal’s impressive accomplishments and then knocks Clooney because HE’S the one receiving a lifetime achievement award. Since these two goons have been friends for “50 years”, they play their fave game Who Would You Rather with celebs and it’s perfect and full of sex puns. Amy picking Mark Ruffalo and saying “I like it ruffalo” for the win. The Theory of Everything is summed up in one sentence by Amy, “A crippling nerve disease and super complicated math.” Who doesn’t love that? Then we get into some Bill Cosby rape jokes, which apparently made everyone uncomfy but I thought it was hilarious. Describing Into the Woods, “Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.” followed by Tina and Amy doing their best Bill Cosby impressions was probably the highlight of the whole monologue. I can always get down with offensive jokes. They wrapped it up with a little call and response cheer with the crowd and I still want to be friends with them a whole lot. (Watch Full Monologue here)

Highs:

-On the E! Red Carpet when both Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic couldn’t find their chill around Amal & Clooney. Ryan debuted a stupid shirt that said Game Over with a bride and groom and said it was Clooney’s wedding gift. Giuliana tried to get them to do a tequila shot with her and they were both like no thanks and she took one anyway and was super concerned afterward that Clooney still liked her. Slobberfest.

-The tables at the awards are basically on top of each other and watching women in heels maneuver that like a maze, especially when coming from the cheap seats in the back was entertaining.

-Either the A/C wasn’t working or everyone there had the liquor sweats because the shine factor was 1 billion and it was great seeing all those hours of glam squad go to waste. They literally showed someone paper toweling their face at one point.

-Apparently Jen Aniston almost flashed her RB curtains while getting up to present the first award but I wasn’t paying attention so basically it didn’t happen.

-JLo and Jeremy Renner present an award together and Jenny from tha block asks Jeremy if she should open the envelope because she has the nails (obv.) and Renner quips “You’ve got the globes too.” ZINGGGG. JLo looked offended and uncomfy but like you don’t almost show nip and then act surprised when someone calls you out for it. Own it gurl.

– Matthew Bomer wins for The Normal Heart (I SAW THIS!!!) and thanks his husband and kids and apologizes for being a grumpy bitch who weighed LESS THAN ME when he watched them eat pizza while preparing for this role. Also I drooled the whole time he was onstage.

-“Famous people are above the law, as it should be.”-Ricky Gervais

-Kristin Wiig and Bill Hader present Best Screenplay and botch famous movie quotes with terrible impressions. They’re basically just goofing together with funny voices and I literally cannot get enough of it. This makes up for the shitty North Korea never-ending joke. (Watch Here)

-Clooney crushed his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Achievement award, making it obvious why everyone constantly slobbers all over him. Best moments include: “Now that we’ve all been hacked, we can apologize face to face for all the snarky things we said”, “80% of the people in this room don’t win and then you’re a loser.”(he points out that everyone there is awesome and amazing and if you’re not there you actually are a loser), “It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love. Amal, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.” This time she wasn’t blabbing and was actually paying attention, which was nice.

-John Legend & Common win for Best Original Song and are giving a touching speech about how relevant the movie Selma is, they show Chrissy Teigen in the crowd with frozen cry face. Twitter was ALL over that. Obviously so was Chrissy and she defended herself by saying she doesn’t practice her cry face.

-Ruth Wilson wins for best actress in The Affair and thanks a co-star by saying, “Your ass is something of great beauty.” Brits make swearwords sound so elegant and I’m supes jelly.

-I’m 99% sure that Julianne Moore madeout with Matthew McConaughey when she accepted her award.

-Eddie Redmayne wins best Actor for Theory of Everything and shouts it out to his fresh wife in his acceptance speech, they’re honeymooning at the Globes. Ah, young Hollywood love, how adorbsies.

-Jared Leto with the man braid, completely upstaging his previously famous man bun.

Lows:

-Amy & Tina do a North Korea bit with Margaret Cho as a North Korean and its suuuuper racist and just as played out as the Pizza joke of last year’s Oscars.

-The stars of Fifty Shades of Grey present an award together and have about as much chemistry as two pieces of bread.

-Prince presents best original song and never fails to creep me the F out. He’s wearing a gold textured suit with cane and signature circle colored sunglasses aka the product of my nightmares. The crowd loses their shit for him though, apparently he’s really loved.

-Katherine Heigl tried out some internet dating jokes about the male nominees with David Duchovny and I could actually hear the crickets. It’s become comical how much Hollywood hates her.

-Julianna Marguiles & Don Cheadle present the Cecil B. DeMille award to Clooney, compete who is better friends with him. It’s pretty awkward and apparently Amal, her highness agrees cause she gets caught yapping away during their “speech”. The following montage makes me realize I’ve seen like two things Clooney is in, which is pretty embarrassing on my part.

-Maggie Gyllenhaal wins and is soooo boring and blaaaahhh and talks about what turns her on and the only thing that makes this speech worth watching is because they show Jake in the audience a whole lot.

-Michael Keaton wins best actor for Birdman and catches a case of the rambles and also a case of the cries as he talks about his best friend and barely chokes out that it’s his son. Also gives us a full family history and his name is actually Michael Douglas? Did I hear that right or did I doze off during this four hour speech? Feel free to correct me if you stayed awake.

-The Globes are known as the most fun awards show because the booze is flowing and yet no one got sloppy drunk and embarrassed themselves or slurred a funny speech. Seems like a missed opportunity.

Full List of Winners:

Best Supporting Actor-JK Simmons, Whiplash

Best Supporting Actress in TV-Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Best Miniseries/TV Movie-Fargo

Best Actor in Miniseries-Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo

Best Actress in TV- Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin

Best Comedy- Transparent

Best Original Score-Johann Johannsson, Theory of Everything

Best Original Song- Glory- Common, John Legend (Selma)

Best Supporting Actor Miniseries, TV Movie- Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

Best Actress in Motion Picture (Comedy/Musical)- Amy Adams, Big Eyes

Best Animated Film-How to Train Your Dragon 2

Best Supporting Actress in Motion Picture- Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Best Screenplay- Birdman (buncha foreigners)

Best Actor in Comedy, Musical TV- Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Foreign Language Film-Leviathan, Russia

Actress Miniseries/Movie- Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honourable Woman

Best TV series/Drama- The Affair

Actor TV Series, Drama- Kevin Spacey, House of Cards

Cecil B. DeMille Award- Clooney

Best Director of Motion Picture- Richard Linklater, Boyhood

Best Actress, TV Series-Drama-Ruth Wilson, The Affair

Best Actor, Motion Picture Comedy or Musical- Michael Keaton, Birdman

Best Motion Picture, Comedy/Musical- The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Actress in Motion Picture, Drama-Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Best Actor in Motion Picture, Drama- Eddie Redmayne, Theory of Everything

Best Motion Picture, Drama- Boyhood

See ya for the Oscars betchezzzzzz.

Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

People’s Choice Awards Red Carpet Looks

In the spirit of awards season and not missing any one that they air, I actually watched the People’s Choice Awards. Yiiiiikes. I won’t bore you with a recap on them because literally nothing happened. I think the highlight of the night was when Chris Evans escorted Betty White to the stage for her TV Icon Award and it was a real panty-melter to see such a hottie being a gentleman. Adam Sandler won an award and Fall Out Boy performed so I had myself questioning what year it actually was several times. Also hosts Anna Faris and Allison Janney played it safe all night and were basically just there to promote their soon to be cancelled show Moms ad nauseum. Also Iggy Azalea tried to bone Dax Shepard by flirting with him on stage. And we’re all caught up. I did however decide to do a best and worst dressed list because there were some standouts that deserved to be addressed.

Worst Dressed:

I mean these are your hosts and their not looking their best. Anna Faris is wearing a circus ruffle dress and Allison Janney is showing an untasteful amount of cleavage for her age…

I’ve seen Amy Adams look stunning and this just wasn’t doing it for me. Too plain. Also I can understand why she wouldn’t pull out the big guns for the People’s Choice Awards.

This is outrageous. I cannot get on board with Ariel Winter and the tuxedo as a dress thing. You look like you’re doing the walk of shame.

Honest question has Ginnifer Goodwin ever NOT looked like your frumpy aunt?

I feel like this dress is not the most flattering on Hillary Scott.

She’s certainly got the Kim K hourglass to pull this off but it’s just too much.

WOOF with the super low cut tee Taj Mowry. No need to do nips out for the People.

Best Dressed:

Digging on this sparkly party dress on Sarah Hyland.

Kristen Bell popped out a baby like 2 weeks ago. Damn gurl. Also I’m obsessed with this dress. Fave look of the night.

The classy crop was a trend last night and I was digging it. Love the sparkles and high pony on Olivia Munn.

This is my second fave look of the night. Even though Kaley Cuoco buzzed her head and I hate it, girl is pulling off this cutout dress. Almost makes me want to hit the gym. Almost.

Jesse McCartney repping well dressed men like nobody’s biz.

I think this is the best I’ve seen Iggy dress for an awards show. Still not really in our era, but she makes it work.

Digging on this color on Gabrielle Union.

Last but certainly not least, Chris Evans looking like the hot piece of ass he is. Dressed casj in a sweater and it makes me want to curl up by the fire with him with a glass of wine while he reads me a book. Whoa. That escalated quickly.

Country, Music, Television

CMA’s Recap

Awards season dry spell is over, betches. If you’re a country fan and you fully committed to the 3 hour show (I’m going to assume not many of you) you can relive the highs and lows of last night right meow. If you missed the awards, you can skim through this and have something to discuss over your cubicle wall today. (Or if you’re me, cubicle window. Yeah guys, I get a cube window. BE JELLY.)

The opening performances went from blah to better. Kenny Chesney was first with a performance straight out of 1968. I’m shocked a hologram of Jimi Hendrix didn’t appear next to him to further the gimmick. It would’ve been nice if I had gotten the memo to drop acid before he took the stage, kinda rude don’t you think, ABC? I couldn’t even tell you what song Kenny played because I was just too distracted. The country hats and cowboy boots amidst the tie dye and school bus were a liiiiiitttle out of place. No worries though, quick rebound by transferring to Miranda Lambert and Megan Trainor doing a country version of All About That Bass. Great duet but the main takeaway here was that Miranda came in HOT trying to give Carrie a run for her money in the leg game. She challenged Carrie to defend the title. AND OF COURSE Carrie did. The great Leg-off of 2014 (see below). Okay I promise you that even though I sat through every single minute of this mostly snoozefest of a show, I will not give you a minute by minute recap. Here’s the breakdown–

Best Moments:

-Carrie’s outfit changes. Edge of my seat waiting to see what was next.

-The elephant in the room. Carrie & Brad address T. Swift in their opening monologue stating that Nashville is suffering from “Postpartum Taylor Swift Disorder”. Laughs are had at the expense of Nashville being thirsty Swifties. Our girl T may not have been country for a few years but it warmed my icy heart to see that no matter what country music has her back.

-Steven Tyler is the first presenter & has a jam sesh with Carrie and Brad to “Crying”. It was staged but still pretty great. Also Steven was wearing shoes and I think we can all appreciate that. (If you want nightmares google image search Steven Tyler’s feet)

-Brett Eldredge wins New Artist of the Year and I listened to his acceptance speech with my eyes glued to the TV and a creepy grin on my face. He 100% deserves it and I’m proud of my future husband for snagging that award.

-Brad spends a few minutes of his hosting duty eating cheeseballs out of a baby carrier. Brought me back to the days of housing a full tub of cheezeballz guilt free. Ahh, college.

-Keith Urban performs “Somewhere in My Car”. He’s the stuff and so is that song.

-Little Big Town performs Day Drinking and then Ariana “Bang Bang” Grande sashays onto the stage and they all sing her song with light up dresses. Judging this against the other performances it was great, because I stayed awake for it, but I would’ve preferred them trying to mix country and pop rather than sing a country song and then a pop song. It was odd.

-Miranda debuts a sassy new bob that kills it and her and Blake proceed to snatch up all the awards with an effortless “it’s almost as if we don’t do this every year” vibe.

-The Doobie Brothers take the stage with Hillary Scott, Jennifer Nettles & Hunter Hayes and play some good ole classic rock. Jennifer Nettles spends the entire performance with her mouth open and literally can’t find her chill. Hunter Hayes was on guitar and was just grateful to be able to play with the big kids.

-Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year and we get to look at his pretty face more. Note: no hip movement whatsoever (see worst moments list)

Worst Moments:

-Is there anything worse than networks throwing two random people together to present an award and then writing compliments for them to read from the teleprompter to each other? It’s awkward and gives everyone the uncomfies. Stop doing it.

-Taylor gets a best and worst spot because she was actually nominated for female vocalist of the year and SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE. Girl, they just declared their support for you and you big-timed them? If we’re being honest I’m probably more bitter about her not showing up because her awkward crowd dancing & dramatic reactions were SORELY missed. NO ONE owns an awards show crowd like Tay.

-Florida Georgia Line wins Vocal Duo of the Year and mullet sneaks that G-D DISGUSTING VEST back in. Hey bro, it is NEVER sexy to wear a vest with no shirt underneath. If you also browsed my fashion recap you’ll see that I put FGL on the best dressed list JUST because they both put actual shirts on. Well GUESS WHAT, you two clowns are officially revoked from my best dressed list. Boom. Roasted.

-Kacey Musgraves and her goofy outfits/hair and her honky tonk barn music.

-Little Big Town winning Vocal Group of the Year and all shouting random things at once as an acceptance speech. Mic etiquette, guys, ever heard of it? Designate ONE speaker.

-Luke Bryan performs a slow song and DOES NOT shake it for me. This should be illegal. Every girl in America was disappointed Luke, just so you know.

Just For Ratings:

-Ebola.

-Renee Zellweger

-Carrie Underwood whispering the gender of her baby to Brad Paisley, setting him up to “let it slip”, and then mentioning it every five minutes. THE PAGEANTRY. THE RATINGS. It’s a BOOYYYY.

-The amount of almost vag slips. Ariana Grande wearing her typical bra and mini skirt, Kacey Musgraves cutting it too close for comfort and Ashley Monroe performing with Blake in a sequin tee, no pants. We don’t need to see it to know it’s there, girlz.

-ABC doing their best to confuse you about which CMA’s are real. The ones you’re literally watching, or the ones they’re teasing every commercial break in the Nashville promo for next week. DOES THIS MEAN RUKE/LAYNA AREN’T REALLY NOMINATED? Please advise.

If you noticed that I didn’t include many performances in my recap it’s because most of them were suuuuuper snoozeworthy. Let’s step it up next time, gang, look alive…give me a reason to stay up past my bedtime. Aaaand that’s all–go forth and spread the country music word, my friends.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Tag Archives: awards

The 50th ACM’s Recap

iHeartRadio Music Awards Recap

Oscars 2015 Recap

Oscars Red Carpet 2015

The Grammy’ZzzzZZZzz Recap

Grammy’s Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet Looks

Golden Globes Recap

People’s Choice Awards Red Carpet Looks

CMA’s Recap