Didn’t actually know that these were a legit thing until I saw JT tweet about how he was being honored, and I don’t need to be told twice to tune into a slobbering of Justin. You also know that I never pass up an opportunity to recap an awards show either. I actually really enjoyed this one, surprisingly so it was a great decision overall. They were better than the Grammy’s. Boom. I said it.

Highs:

-Nick Jonas performing Chains wrapped in actual chains and wearing the shit out of some leather pants while hoes parade around him and bang on some drums. -The JT and Taylor Swift show. Right from the get-go we see that these two are seated at the same table and generally just F’ing around like a couple of goobers. Tay wins and JT tries to go up instead of her. They’re now rivaling Jfall and JT for besties that I could watch hang out foreva.

-Tay wins best lyrics for Blank Space and shouts it out to all the insta captions of “darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” (kinda bummed she didn’t also include homemade mugs, cause mine is BO$$) also clarifies that she doesn’t sing about Starbucks Lovers, whatevs grl, we’ll sing what we wanna sing.

-FGL performs “Sun Daze” and neither of them are wearing a disgusting vest. Good work, boys. Keep it up.

-There are “my journey” stories from artists in between awards and performances and I actually really liked this because it was something different and probably made up for time they would’ve had to fill with Jamie Foxx telling offensive jokes and singing the I’m in love with the coco song over and over again.

-They show a peek backstage of Nick Jonas doing pushups in his leather pants and there clearly is a God.

-It becomes evident that this awards show is kind of a free for all when Jamie Foxx strolls around shooting the shit with singers asking them to practice their winning faces and gettin all up on “random white girls” before they literally cut him off mid-sentence. I love a good hosting train wreck.

-JT’s teal suit, jizzworthy montage of all of his greatest achievements with his besties bowing down to him & entire acceptance speech for the innovator award (except the last lines ugh, still won’t accept that he’s not all mine.) Watch in full below (2:21 for montage, 5:22 for speech)

-Jason Derulo performs “Want to Want Me”. Those dance moves, tossing the mic around like a seasoned vet, thrusting, that falsetto…all equal YES. -Sam Smith has a pre-recorded crooning of “Lay Me Down” with candles and an orchestra. So smooth.

-Madonna performs a song that was suuuperrr lame but recruited Taylor Swift to play acoustic guitar in a sexy black lace dress with thigh high black boots and it becomes very clear that even Madonna understands that in order to have her tired performance noticed she needed Tswizzle to spice it up. All she did was strum the guitar and those legs still stole the show. – Nate Reuss performs “Nothing Without Love” wearing a very Hamptons-esque whoutfit, but also has a case of the scary eyes while singing. He lays it all out on the line though cruising around the stage in those loafers and crushes the song.

Lows:

-Jamie Foxx makes some cracks about Suge Knight in his monologue and obviously doesn’t realize that Suge can still have him killed from the clink, probably should be a little more terrified about that. Also cheap shots about Bruce Jenner’s trans-gender thang. Yikes.

-Meghan Trainor performs “Dear Future Husband” with an unnecessary bedazzled sailor cap and it’s pretty snoozeworthy.

-“Stay tuned for something everyone will be talking about tomorrow so you don’t wanna miss it.” Every awards show teaser EVER. I HIGHLY doubt my boss will be dying to talk about T. Swift playing guitar for Madonna. Nice try.

-Rihanna premieres new song “Bitch Better Have My Money” with a ‘copter onstage and wearing that. No thanks. -Ian Ziering presents with Left Shark. Left shark has 1000% jumped the ship, pun intended. This joke has been drowned to death. NO MORE LEFT SHARK, PLEASE.

-Brantley “Bedazzled and jewel encrusted cross t-shirt” Gilbert wins the renegade award (the throw everyone who hasn’t been nominated into this one, award) and feels it’s necessary to tell everyone that he’s not wearing lip gloss, he just kissed his fiance. Oh ok.

-Why is Chris Brown allowed anywhere? Why is he still releasing music, why is he still famous, why is his hair green? WHY. Go away, Breezy.

-Snoop Dogg forever will give me the heebie jeebs.

Best Dressed (Obviously): 

Not coincidentally, the best dressed of the night were also the top three that dominated this show and made it entertaining. Ok, okay these two looked pretty bangin too. Need Pitch Perfect 2 and I needed it yesterday.

Full Winners List

Best Lyrics- “Blank Space”-Taylor Swift

Hip Hop/R&B Song of the Year- “Don’t Tell Em”- Jeremih ft. YG

Innovator- Justin Timberlake

Best New Artist- Sam Smith

Best Country Artist- Jason Aldean

Best Fan Army- 5SOSFan What?

Best Collaboration- “Bang Bang”- Jessie J, Ariana & Nicki

Renegade- Brantley Gilbert (this award is the most random)

Best Dance Song of the Year- “Summer”- Calvin Harris

Alternative Rock Song of the Year- “Take Me to Church”-Hozier

Song of the Year- “Shake it Off”- Taylor Swift

Artist of the Year- Taylor Swift. Duhs.