Red Carpet

Emmys 2015 Red Carpet

Back in biz with legit–no one is shouting profanities at each other or declaring their upcoming run for office–awards shows. Let’s get right to it.

PS I’d like to formally apologize for the abrupt change in picture size, I did this really hilarious and cool thing called dumping a glass of water on my macbook this weekend (woooooo party animal) and had to get ratchet to deliver this red carpet blog–half done on my phone, half on the computer. Shout out to mah bestie for loaning me her laptop for the night. True friends loan electronics for a completely unnecessary and inconsequential blog post. Needlepoint THAT on a pillow.

WORST:

Girl, we get it. Ya got some yabbos. Don’t need to always see them.

Do Less, Giulz.

I don’t understand how this is a finished product.

This girl is 15, and I get that when you’re 15 you want to wear a cute top and leggings, but like not on a red carpet.

Completely unnecessary embroidered shoulder hat.

It kills me to do this but I sincerely hate this mustard bottle color. I know she can look more glam, she crushes it ever other time.

She literally looks like a statue in this.

This outfit gives Tatiana an unfortunate jenis, err I guess since she’s wearing a tuxedo, a tuxenis.

Chains were apparently suuupes trend-doggs this year. I don’t love it. I also don’t love Hugh’s woof bedhead.

Eye sore dress.

Maisie decided to turn the Emmy’s into MK&A’s Sleepover Party, I guess.

I don’t know, I’m just not feeling anything about this look.

It certainly is Amy’s year but c’mon. This is not a flattering pick. Props for the hand fan though, I used to love setting that bad boy up on my desk at school only to have an immature little grubber stick his fingers in it while it was running.

Look! It’s the just sewn together cupcake.

Besides the very 70’s curtains bottom, that bright blue smokey eye is roof stooof.

I quite literally shrieked in fear when I saw this. American Horror Story is correct.

Matt LeBlanc looks like he’s working red carpet security detail. Bruh, act like you’ve been here before.

I feel like the Emmy’s aren’t the place to leave nothing to the imagination.

BEST:

Getting a breast reduction may have been slapping God in the face, but these warlocks look fab now. Very subtle and elegant.

Amy with the sassy cutouts, grrrrllll new hair, new you!

Aubrey is smiling and showing sass leg!

Gina always nails it, looking like a pretty princess

Quite possibly the only time Maggie has ever graced my best dressed. My friend thought her tan was too much but I can dig all up on this dress. She has a body! And doesn’t look like a frumpy aunt. STEPS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, MAGZ.

How anyone can wear a dress this tight and not have the mint they ate before hitting the carpet visible is beyond me, but Padma looks like a smokeshow.

Regina wearing a dress that reminds me of A Cinderella Story, coincidence?

Modern Family kiddies dress better than half the adults in the room. Smooth.

This dress accentuates her bod and not in a “gawd mom stop trying so hard” way

Gr8 fall color and perfect fit.

This is a little on the scandalous side, but it wouldn’t be Taraji if it wasn’t. (Again with the 2chainz though)

The best pink look of the night! Uzo looks fab.

Julie Bowen kept it simple and crushed it.

Sassy suits and setting an example for red carpet bros.

Wears the same dress every red carpet and yet, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

This is a lot, but at the same time fits well and she’s workin it.

Matching lips and dress combo deal

Emma went ole Hollywood glam on this one and I’m all aboard.

LADY GAGA LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN. I REPEAT, NORMAL GAGA.

Billy looking sharp with a little front highlight.

Tina usually keeps it black and white and it’s timeless

I like Naomi’s dress by itself but I’m really digging these two looks togets.

January came in red hot with a onesie giving me some Little Mermaid vibes, in a good way.

I would like this dress, pls. Black floral deetz and a cutout for party in the midriff–can’t go wrong. Fave dress of the night!

Music, Television

VMA’s Recap

We’re absolutely getting to the point where I’m too old for the VMA’s and nothing made that more clear than watching the pre-show with a shitload of people I didn’t even know. At least Sway is still around. As a very public Miley Cyrus h8er it pained me to watch a show where she was guaranteed so much screen and mic time. (Plus it created an outrageous number of “You don’t want to miss what Miley does next” teasers before EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK.) But what can I say, I recap for the people so here are your highs and lows of the VMA’s.

Lows:

-MILEY. From the several gag-inducing neon rave outfits (with nothing left to the imagination) to the amount of times she felt it was necessary to remind us she loves pot and the grand finale song about weed/performance that made me want to hurl things at the TV, everything about her as host was AWFUL.

-Macklemore AND RYAN LEWIS reenact their weird AF music video for new song Downtown that still makes my ears bleed out. (Also this gentleman with a ladies’ voice gives me nightmares.)

-Whatever this horrific excuse for a bit was–definitely didn’t offend anyone. Too soon, Rebel, too soon. I’m obviously referring to seeing her in hot pants.

-JBiebz HUUUUUGEEEE comeback sooooooked. He wore a trucker hat and headset like he was a member of N*SYNC but accented that with an oversized tee with leggings like I do when I have my period and I’m bloated, all black cause he has a lot of emotions. Speaking of emotions, he hysterically cries at the end of his garbage can performance, I’m assuming because he realized how terrible his voice is.

-Pharell revives Newsies.

-Kanye’s Video Vanguard speech is so Kanye. Taylor presents the award (for ratings) closing out her very scripted speech with a new version of “I’mma let you finish.” PLAY THIS OUT MORE, MTV. SERIOUSLY. IT’S ONLY BEEN 6 YEARS. Kanye takes the stage and allows everyone to worship him standing O style for a good 15 minutes. He soaks it in silently telling the audience that he’ll TELL THEM when they can stop applauding. Finally he gives their bleeding hands a break by saying “Bro, bro listen to the kids.” Now we’ll go into a segment where I highlight the few things I understood from this speech that went on all night as the uncomfies took over my life and ended with a presidential bid for 2020.

SPEECH HIGHLIGHTS:

-He addresses the audience as Bro or Bruh. If I closed my eyes it was almost as if I was hearing a presidential address from ABROham Lincoln. Chills.

-Yeezy thinks about the 2009 VMA’s when he’s having in-depth juice discussions at Whole Foods.

-Gets boo’ed at baseball games because of his inclination toward Hennessy in 2009.

-He probably regrets wearing a leather shirt more than he regrets ripping the mic out of Taylor’s dainty little hands.

-Thoroughly enjoyed JT’s album entitled “Future Love Sexy Back” AKA “Sexy Back album”

-He watched Justin Timberlake cry at the Grammy’s after losing for aforementioned made up album.

-Kanye pre-gamed this speech with some of Miley’s kush. JUST TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF…CHILL, BRUH.

-Any time he’s at a loss for words he shouts “listen to the kids” which seems like terrible advice since kids are really stupid. Then again…Kanye’s an adult. So–catch 22.

-He doesn’t understand how awards shows work.

-He is running for president in 2020. (CAN YOU IMAGINE KIM KARDASHIAN AS FIRST LADY THOUGH?)

Highs:

-NICK JONAS CROTCH GRAB.

I feel like we didn't talk enough about Nick Jonas' crotch grab during the pre-show. #VMAs pic.twitter.com/vGPXPWKfwi

— Alex Goldschmidt (@alexandergold) August 31, 2015

-The Wildest Dreams video. Obviously. I see what you did there, Tay. You made this video just so you could mack all up on Scott Eastwood. Respect. (Full breakdown of video comin atcha, whether you want it or NAHT.)

-Opening peformance from Nicki Minaj where her RB curtz AND buhhole were politely covered by red feathers. My eyes thank you, Nicki. Tay shoots out of the stage with her infamous erect pageant arm in a matching red number for an over the top beef squashing. Tay sang Bad Blood for a second then they were like LAWLZ JK WE’RE FRIENDS! NO BAD BLOOD HERE!

-Kanye is really into smiling and Taylor Swift’s the SHIT out of audience dancing during “Can’t Feel My Face”. Grey Goose (Marijuana) got the girl feeling loose.

-Nicki wins—stands at the bottom of the steps until Rebel Wilson comes down to get her and then at the end of her acceptance speech decides to take her hoops off and ask Miley WHATS GOOD, BITCH. It’s a good thing Miley is on another stage because she absolutely poops herself and is like heh you know that was taken out of context Nicki, we good, right grrrlll? I get that this was all 100% scripted because Nicki laughed after it but I don’t care one bit because I now know that Miley can dish it but she can’t take it and I would watch Nicki curbstomp her ANY day. CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH GOOOOOOOO!

-Tori Kelly SLAY GIRL SLAY. She wears a skintight sparkly jumpsuit that gives me the tingles and lets that killer voice of hers roar on “Should’ve Been Us”. R.I.P to every other performance because this was the only one worth watching all night. Pure talent. Watch in full here

-Demi Lovato did “Cool for the Summer”, a song that I can take or leave but she looked FAB despite being surrounded by men in neon speedos. Iggy came for a quick rap and also looked gr8, then finished with Demi crowd surfing in an inflatable pool, cause summer.

-Tay wins video of the year for Bad Blood, pretends she knows anything about Straight Outta Compton but then gives us this beautiful quote, “We live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers” promptly followed by Miley’s nipple. That sums up the MTV VMA’s better than anything. Goodnight and good luck to our future as human beings.

Winners:

Best Pop Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Best Male Video-Uptown Funk Mark Ronson Ft. Bruno Mars

Best Hip Hop Video- Anaconda, Nicki Minaj

Best Female Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Video with a Social Message- One Man Can Change the World, Big Sean, John Legend, Kanye West

Artist to Watch- Fetty Wap

Video of the Year- Bad Blood, Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar

Red Carpet

VMA’s Red Carpet

The awards show that brought us Lady Gaga’s meat dress obviously is held in high regard in the fashion industry. JK this show is always a trainwreck and it’s difficult to find a best dressed anywhere near the VMA’s but I did my best…just like it took Miley all of five minutes to do her best to force my dinner back up my throat.

WORST:

The day that I put Nicki on a best dressed list will probably be when hell freezes over.

I don’t even know what to make of this outfit. It’s like pirate meets salsa dancer meets hooker.

WITCH!

Fringe splosion. Not a good look.

Jillian Michaels brings us back to 1993. Also we get it, you have abs.

Bad Blood squad not faring well on the Ju…Color and style of this dress are blah.

I don’t understand how Kelly did Fashion Police for so long and continued to dress like a dumpster.

C’mon Tay. Act like you’ve owned the VMA’s red carpet before. This outfit is blinding, the hair is too slicked and it looks like she can’t keep her eyes open with that cat eye overload.

The safari twins going for matchy matchy neutrals.

Too many aggressive styles at once on this jumpsuit.

Britney. We talked about this. Please cover yourself. It’s getting embarrassing.

Justin, your hair, WOOF.

Obviously. We can go ahead and book every look of the night for Miley under WORST.

BEST:

Elegantly slutty is what I call this look. Also John with the leather pants? DAMN.

GET OUT RIGHT NOW, it’s the end of baby JoJo.

One of my favorite looks of the night. Tori’s crushing the going out party shorts

I don’t think it’s possible for Gigi to look bad.

Summer’s not over yet with this hot pink!

This dress normally wouldn’t be for me but Demi is rocking it

Selena says I’m classy AF with the black gown but also I’m not wearing a bra with the nips peek.

Nothing weird here, keep up the good work Cara.

I can appreciate the hippie chic on Vanessa.

SIIICK Loutfit from Nicky J.

And for all the squad shippers…of course Tay did the red carpet with the Bad Blood crew:

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/13/15

1. Louis Tomlinson of One Direction put his 1D into a girl sans condom, thus leading to baby.

This year has been a real trying time for One Direction fans with Zayn peacing and now it’s been announced that Louis will become babydaddy to a stylist in LA. I think my favorite part is the fact that someone was legitimately quoted as saying “It was a surprise at first but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”(via People) Oh, really? They also wanted to reassure everyone that Briana is not a crazy fan girl for One Direction by pointing out that she just went to her first 1D concert recently. So I’m assuming Louis threw her some free tix and a backstage pass once he found out she was growing his baby inside of her. What a guy. Quick side rant: If you’re that famous and presumably bedding that many chicks, MAYBE MIX IN A CONDOM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

2. Sisters looks bomb.com. The first peek at the latest Amy Poehler and Tina Fey movie came out this week and I think I speak for everyone who likes to laugh that this will be appointment movie date. PLUS Ike Barinholtz is in it and Maya Rudolph so it’s pretty much guaranteed to be goof city.

3. Jennie Garth had a Pinterest wedding. For all you fairy hipsters out there, Jennie Garth threw a backyard wedding complete with lanterns and antique shit hanging all around and a very non-traditional dress, that I actually kinda dig. You go girl, find your Dylan.

4. Emmy Noms are in. Shout out to Taraji P. Henson for snagging a Lead Actress in a Drama nom for Cookie in Empire because she is FIERCE and deserves to take home the W. Also Amy Schumer is having A year-her variety show on Comedy Central was nominated. For full list, click here.

5. ESPY’s Highlights. The ESPY’s were on Wednesday night and Joel McHale had a pretty great monologue that started off with a bang as Victor Espinoza hopped up onto his back and rode him onto the stage.

Other highlights included this:

Yikes Hannah, no shout out, almost seemed like he thought about doing it then was like WHOA just kidding and caught himself mid-sentence so tried to cover it up by thanking his friends again. Here’s to you Hannah, you’re such a great FRIEND. Also a little awk that the guy who legitimately refused to wear a Yankees hat in Gone Girl would present this award to the greatest Yankee of all time but I also won’t dispute any extra camera time with Ben.

and this:

Dayyyyyuuumnnnnn. But like…where’s Riggs?

BONUS: It’s Luke Bryan’s BDAY. He’s super old today, but that’s not what matters, what matters is that he keeps doing this:

Music, Television

CMT Music Awards Recap

Well guys, it’s here. Country season has arrived. It’s finally an OK time to listen to songs about sunshine and trucks and partying outside and feel good about it instead of trudging through snow and hating every single person in the south. Country season is short-lived in the Northeast but it’s pretty glorious. And there’s no better way to kick it off than with me sitting in my bed for 3 hours with my laptop on my chest watching a ratchet livestream of a bunch of cool as shit country performances happening in Nashville, where I am not. But whatevs, TAN LINES. JOHN DEERE. MURICA. LET’S DO THIS.

(It’s rare that you hear me say this, but for the record this was an overall entertaining show. Props to CMT.)

Highs

-Lady A kicks off the night with “Long Stretch of Love”, including a mid-song interlude into the land of EDM as Zedd drops some knowledge from his beat laboratory. It was entertaining at best to see the country stars at a loss for what to do with their hands for this breakdown while all the fans moshed. ALSO Hillary looked like a smokeshow slutty Sandra Dee with leather leggings, jacket and hot pink pumps. Sexy, Can I? Real talk though HOW do country singers stomp (literally stomp their feet) all over a stage in stilettos. Get back to me on that.

-I love a good blurring of fiction and real world, which always comes with an appearance of cast members from Nashville. Deacon and Will Lexington introduce Reba and hawk Season 4…where Will teases “Some of us are coming back…good luck pal.” YEAH RIGHT, GUYS A REALLY SMART BLOGGER ALREADY PREDICTED DEACON’S COMING BACK NEXT SEASON, SO HA.

-I can ALWAYS get down with the camera panning to someone who flubs the lyrics. Last night’s most memorable was Jason Aldean’s girlfriend/mistress/wife(?) getting an audience shot during his performance and singing the wrong words. I relish in these moments. It’s the little things.

-The jockey that rode American Pharoah into history at the Belmont last weekend gets an appearance just cause and introduces Ron White. The three words he’s allowed to say into the mic are pretty incoherent but this was already hilarious because they put a baby jockey next to Erin Andrews and the height difference was glorious. Love wittle cute jockeys.

-The boyz of FGL have been somewhat listening to me. Blazers, man. So classy. I like what I’m seeing (until the whoutfit performance…see below. HAD to ruin it.)

-Kristen Bell gets a few cameos, bits about advice from last year’s host and such and these are funnier than anything she ever did as a host, and I’ve come to the conclusion that hosting forces jokes and over the top bits that make people unfunny. Epiphany. Watch here

-LUKE.BRYAN.IS.BACK. Look, I understand that as an artist, Luke wanted to show his range and put out a few snoozers that were really deep and not just about girls shaking their asses and I was patient. I waited for Luke to release a new banger that would guarantee a gyrating performance. And it paid OFF. He performed new song Kick the Dust Up which allowed for full hip movement. We’re going to momentarily forget that he was wearing a stupid shirt with red leather shoulder pads because there was shaking, there was a baseball cap and every time there’s a baseball cap it gets flipped backward halfway through the performance when cocky Luke comes out to play. I guess you could say my friend Lindsey and I enjoyed it…

-Lady A wins for their Bartender music video which included Kate Upton and Charles immediately announces, “You have to put Kate Upton in a video to win!” in very typical guy fashion. #Tits #Merica Hillary tries to prevent a PR snafu and is like um no that’s not true…but realistically it probably is and this awkward moment was pretty gr8.

-Jake Owen debuts new song “Real Life” and his super hot short hair for the first time in a while and I’m loving it. Anyone who rides up to the stage on a bed gets my support. Drool. The chicks doing high kicks on inflatable pizza slices, however, can see themselves out. That is NOT real life.

-In other awksies moments, Nikki Reed presents award for Male Video and reads a very scripted joke off of the teleprompter “It’s time to finally honor a forgotten minority…men.” Aaaaandd CRICKETS. The joke bombed so hard she was forced to nervously laugh at it herself. Someone got fired.

-The bit that seemed to work the best was a pre-recorded knock off of Uber with “Guuber” where celebrities drive other celebrities around Nashville. The idea’s pretty stupid but it played off of star power with Steven Tyler as a driver and of course, the punk who needs to be included in everything, Biebz. He and James Corden express their love for Luke Bryan and his sapphire eyes, which I can always get on board with plus a sing along to Country Girl Shake It For Me. Luke lapped that shit right up when he accepted the award for male video and declared welllll Bieber loves me soooo…

-Sam Hunt performs banger “House Party” (unfortunately still in that white tunic shirt) and realizes that his star power is his ability to make girls swoon and take selfies with them. Get it, Sam.

-Queen Carrie brings it with the outfit changes for “Little Toy Guns” performance. Flawwwwlezzzz.

Lows

-The hosts Erin Andrews and Brittany Snow are mostly lame, as most hosts are and pretty awkward together. The bits that fell flat were Erin’s lesbian crush on Carrie Underwood and a small Pitch Perfect Nashville Bella’s performance in the beginning.

-It’s gotten to the point where I think every time Reba hits the stage she’s performing a medley of old songs like “Fancy”…turns out she’s actually making and performing new music and it all just sounds the same to me. Snoozes for Reba always. Sorry bout it.

-Apparently Whoutfits are the new cool thing of country music? What. This is not flattering at all. Knock it off.

-Oh hey Billy Rae Cyrus, it’s so nice of you to drop in after getting a blowout to promote your new show and make me want to puke everywhere.

-There’s a bit with Joe Dirt in it…is it 1997?

-Joe Dirt very truthfully pointed out while introducing Keith Urban that he’s so close to a mullet why doesn’t he just do it? And I actually agree with this very trashy fictional character. Seriously Keith, your hair gets woofier every time I see it. Enough with the soccer mom cut. Grow it long for a dirty man bun or keep it boy length but either way this in between, almost mullet, almost “I drive a Dodge Caravan” style is reaaalllyyyy gonna need to go. (PS he performed a new song “John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16″….COULD THAT TITLE BE LONGER?)

-Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold were on the show WAY too much. I don’t get the Arnold thing. His accent sucks and it isn’t funny. Plus did we all just forget that he banged his nanny and had a secret kid with her just because he’s the Terminator? Anyway, him in a cowboy hat spitting out incoherent sounds was downright painful.

-Mike Fisher (Carrie’s other half) is the Taylor Swift of crowd shots and he doesn’t even know it. For whatever reason, every country awards show, the camera is fixated on Mike in the audience half of the time and yet he doesn’t have reactions. Why are we watching him? Because he’s pretty…but also out of a group of drunk country boys I think we should be able to find someone more fascinating to take Tay’s place. Let’s work on that. Petition for Brett Eldredge to be his replacement?

Full Winners List

Collaborative Video of the Year: Miranda Lambert & Carrie Underwood “Somethin Bad”

Breakthrough Video of the Year: Sam Hunt “Leave the Night On”

Duo Video of the Year: Florida Georgia Line “Dirt”

Female Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

CMT Performance of the Year: Bob Seger & Jason Aldean “Turn the Page”

Group Video of the Year: Lady Antebellum “Bartender”

Male Video of the Year: Luke Bryan “Play it Again”

Best Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap

I should probably stop having such high hopes for these types of awards shows. It was preeetttyyy roughsicles but there were some glimmers throughout the three hours so here are your highs and lows of the night.

Highs

-Tswizzle made her public debut with Calvin Harris as her boo thang. Every award that she won (there were many) she made sure to hug everyone in her crew but Calv got some smooch action and it was hot sauce. Would’ve been even spicier if Calvin had gone in for the ass grab below, but whateva…the point is they’re obviously porking.

-Speaking of hot sauce, Nick Jonas performed “Jealous” and even though he was essentially wearing a foil blanket that marathon runners get once they’ve finished the race and there were lots of lasers and graphics trying to distract me, he still dripped sex.

-Sam Smith wins top male artist and had to give a silent thank you because he’s having throat surgery, so he made cue cards that told Taylor to play blackjack, shouted out Nicki’s big azzzz and signed up Ed for a Chippendales dance. It was cute and also a quick reminder that all of these mega rich famous people are BFF’s.

-Ed Sheeran murders “Bloodstream” and it’s easily the best performance of the night. I’d like to see ANYONE in that slew of performances that paled in comparison to get up there and run a loop pedal like that. They can’t, so they tromp around the stage in bras instead. (I’m lookin at you, Nicki.)

Full Performance Here

-Harry gave Nial’s junk a little love tap in their victory walk.

-After winning, 1D took the high road (and their publicist’s strong advice, I’m guessing) to thank “their brother Zayn”…which is more mature than calling him out on Twitter, but much less exciting.

-The Florida Georgia Line vest twins each wore nice, flattering, attractive suits. Whoa.

-Meredith Grey. Get it grrrrl.

-The Empire mashup gave us some beatz to work with…fictional or not it was a solid performance.

-Simple Minds perform “Don’t You Forget About Me” for 30 year Breakfast Club tribute. Lead singer wearing the shit out of a plaid blazer, accentuates it with a whole lot of gyrating.

Lows

-Taylor’s Hunger Games style “Bad Blood” music video with every single person she’s ever talked to starring as a different villain trying to kill her. It was way too much and the remix wasn’t my fave. Girl looked great but come on. Best villain name: Slay-Z for Gigi. I want that to be my alter ego. Also Tay as a ginge. Watch below if you want sensory overload.

-Opening performance of Van Halen so they can catch their target audience of old people before they go to bed at 9PM. The forced sexual shout out to Nicki Minaj mid-song was a little too “HEY WE’RE HIP AND KNOW THINGS”

-Hate to say it but Chrissy Teigen and LUUUDAAAA were kind of duds at hosting. Luda should’ve done a medley of his hits to kick off the show. THAT would have been the stuff. Chrissy kept relying on cracks about how she gets penetrated by John Legend on the reg. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been better.

-Mariah Carey performs to let everyone know that she’s retiring to Las Vegas and she doesn’t sing one of her old bangers so what was even the point of that? She also shrieks at the end, which is a nice reminder that she has to struggle to hit the high notes these days.

– The 1000th Paul Walker tribute with “See You Again” where Wiz decides to honor his homie Paul by going nips out for the boys in a nude colored blouse. Then had a nice quick seizure at the end. RIP

-Little Big Town and Faith Hill with a hard buzzcut sing “Girl Crush”. Could this song be any slower? Could Faith’s hair be any shorter?

-The Billboard Music Awards started F’ing with me when they put two people I despise onstage together for a collab. Pitbull and Chris Brown. It’s like they were almost taunting me to turn the TV off. (I chose to take a snack break instead.)

-It’s actually embarrassing that the Britney/Iggy song had to follow Ed. Because it is trash. Britney wore duct tape over her lady bits, which was really considerate of her. They did tacky 80’s choreography to match this shitty song and I wanted to close my eyes and ears so many times. Petition for Britney and Mariah to stick to Vegas.

-Molly Ringwald thirstily asks if she can be part of Taylor’s crew and they ham it up in the audience because honestly who doesn’t want to be included in the popular crowd? Kind of embarrassing that you have to ask though, right Molls?

-Imagine Dragons, best known for their wild performances banging on drums and screaming do the Ben E King tribute with “Stand By Me”. Hmm…really makes you wonder who pinpointed them as the best option for that.

-Kayne is the closer and it’s about 6 minutes of pyrotechnics and silence. 99% of his song is bleeped out and you can’t even see him. THAT IS ART.

-Chrissy and Luda sign off and take a S***. Oh wait…I’m not a square so I’m allowed to say what they did. THEY TOOK A SHOT. They literally tossed back liquor on television BUT WEREN’T ALLOWED TO SAY THE WORD SHOT WITHOUT IT GETTING BLEEPED OUT. In what world does it make sense to have every female singer parade their RB curtz around stage just fine but the word SHOT (also can be used to describe a vaccination) is censored off the TV. Mic. Drop.

Full Winners List:

Top Duo/Group- One Direction Top Billboard 200 Album- Taylor Swift, 1989 Top Rap Song- “Fancy” Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX Top Male Artist- Sam Smith Top Radio Song- “All of Me” John Legend Top Female Artist- Taylor Swift Top Touring Artist- One Direction Top Hot 100 Song- “All About That Bass” Meghan Trainor Billboard Artist (fan-voted)-Taylor Swift Top Country Artist- Florida Georgia Line Top Artist- Taylor Swift

Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet

Hey guys, I actually showered on No-Shower-Sunday so this gives me every right to rank who looked like a garbage can at the Billboard’s.

Worst:

Zendaya’s back to barf.com outfits.

Not a good enough reason to show your belly button and almost vagina, Rita.

Sweet noutfit (nude outfit), Jussie.

This is a Christmas party dress. Let’s stick to summer thoughts.

COME ONNN. WHY ARE YOU EVEN WEARING A DRESS AT THIS POINT?

Because only Mariah would walk the red carpet with oversized sunglasses like an asshole.

Brit. Woof.

This dress is making me dizzy. Sry, girl.

All I’ve ever wanted is for Harry to throw a little dry shampoo in that lettuce of his.

Best:

I-G-G-Y coming in Saasssyyy. Could be because she’s standing next to dud city but I dig.

Yes, please.

Nick knew my favorite color is purple. He’s just toying with my emotions now.

FIDDY. Left field. Fresh to death.

Taraji has been dressing like a sassmonster lately and I don’t hate it.

Jesse never disappoints in his suit game.

This grew on me, the men are really impressing me with the unique suits this time around.

tswizzle Screen Shot 2015-05-17 at 9.22.48 PM

Tay is owning this. Strut city with those billion dollar legs.

Obv fave outfit of the night and also squad goals:

Music

The 50th ACM’s Recap

Ya’ll, first and foremost I’d like to thank Jesus Christ my Lord & Savior for the opportunity to watch every country artist thank Jesus Christ their Lord & Savior last night. Second I’d like to ask what cameras to look at when I thank them. No but actually, obviously a round stage means there are several spots to stand in and I don’t doubt there were no less than 10 cameras surrounding it, but REALLY? you couldn’t give ANYONE a quick memo or flag which camera to look at? If I drank every time a winner announced that they didn’t know where to look followed by a shout out to their boy JC I would’ve been blackout REAL quick. Without further ado, here are the things that were fabulous about last night’s show and the things that were less than fabulous.

Yay:

-Kicking off the night with a pan to a random person singing the wrong words to the opening song by Keith and Eric promptly followed by a T. Swift crowd shot. The two things I enjoy most about award shows within seconds of each other, people getting caught not knowing the lyrics and Swiftie’s awkward dance moves. (PS: IS SHE THE TALLEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD?)

-FGL performs without a whisper of a disgusting vest or overdone tassel. They’ve grown up before my very eyes and I’m just so darn proud of them for wearing normal people clothes. They best keep it up.

-Miranda Lambert showing women of the world that not all pantssuits have to be for an interview at the White House. Never ever thought i would use sexy and pants suit in the same sentence but here we are. Also performance corset. Damn, girl.

-Sam Hunt performs “Take Your Time” in red hot pants, yes please. (By perform, I obviously mean just the chorus because he’s a n00b and apparently hasn’t earned performing time yet. For shame.)

-Tony Jokes on Jokes Romo throwing a pass to Luke Bryan and then tells a quick LOL about deflategate by saying “We’re the Dallas Cowboys, we have real balls.”

-The most real mushroom cut I’ve ever seen on this guy from Alabama.

-Kelly Clarkson introduces Mommy in Law Reba and goes, “…basically what I’m saying is I have the coolest mother in law and you also can suck it.” A girl after my own heart.

-T.Swizzle gets a full on montage about how perfect she is then her mom presents the 50th Anniversary Milestone award. Andrea gives us a quick peek at Tay’s pre-star years when apparently she was a real loser in school whose only friend was her mom (poor T) and she also wrote Love Story because her parents wouldn’t let her date a guy who clearly was a turd. Then Mama Swift gets choked up so obviously I get choked up and Tay accepts and thanks the country community for being graceful and the bomb.com with her transition to pop.

-Blake Shelton sings a song about sangria mouth and all I can think about is this and have a giggle fit.

-Dan & Shay team up with Nick Jonas and sing Jealous AND Chains. Nick Jonas struts that shit and owns the damn performance, my panties melt away and I barely even notice the two country goobers with stupid identical hairstyles onstage with him in his shadow.

-Lady A performs a new banger song and wins for one of the VERY few upbeat performances of the night.

Nay:

-Lee Brice gives a quick shoutout to Randy Travis in the audience and I’m very concerned that it’s a little too soon for him to be making public appearances after his stroke/millions of health troubles because he LEGIT doesn’t move a muscle and I had to question if he was still alive.

-Most performances were medleys of the singers greatest hits and I was all in on that. Nothin but the hits, nothin but the hits, nothin but the motherf’ing hits.

-Martina McBride sings a song from 11 years ago. Way to keep it current, guys. She looks like a dime piece though.

-Luke performs “I See You” and wears a golf polo and I’d like to submit a formal petition that Luke only wears v necks with a backwards hat and shake it at least 10 times per performance. Don’t stray from what works, Luke. I don’t handle change well.

VS. (jus sayin)

-Rascal Flatts and Xtina perform together and I have not the slightest clue what song they’re singing because it’s just a bunch of sounds and vocal runs aka it’s so Xtina it hurts. I don’t remember hearing one coherent lyric in this performance. But she wore a jean jacket. Cause that’s SO country.

-Because this show is in TEXAS. Did you hear it’s in TEXAS? Well they use the Dallas cheerleaders as stage ho’s. No seriously, all they do is stand onstage when someone wins an award. Good work.

-Kenny recalls his first ACM’s when he actually had a record deal and they still sat him in the nosebleeds. Could it possibly be because he refuses to wear anything other than a cut off tee? Clean it up, Kenny.

-The amount of times that a country star introducing another star not so discreetly points out that they’re buddies or friends is exhausting. Hey, you’re all country stars who love to drink and sing about the same things. I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re all friends. No need to give AIM profile shoutouts at every introduction.

-Dr. Phil was given a mic and I wish that he wasn’t cause he shouts into it because his natural vocal decibel is always set to megaphone.

-Brooks & Dunn are performing togets for the first time in 100 years or something…Brooks (or Dunn?) is scarin me with his face though.

-My dreamboat of all dreamboats, Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year again (rightfully so) and the minute he starts his acceptance speech, someone who I’m sure was immediately fired starts playing him out with Miranda’s song “Over You.” Yiiiiikes bet that made his moment real special.

Bottom Line-Real MVP’s of the night were the man candy underdogs of country (&Nick Jonas):

GIVE IT TO ME.

Full Winners List:

Song of the Year: “Automatic”- Miranda Lambert

Vocal Duo of the Year: Florida Georgia Line

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Miranda Lambert, Most Awarded Female in Country

Vocal Group of the Year: Little Big Town

50^th Anniversary Milestone Award: Reba

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Taylor Swift

Album of the Year: Platinum-Miranda Lambert

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Garth Brooks

New Artist of the Year: Cole Swindell

Female Vocalist: Miranda Lambert

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Kenny Chesney

Single Record of the Year: “I Don’t Dance”-Lee Brice

Male Vocalist: Jason Aldean

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Brooks & Dunn

Entertainer of the Year: Luke Bryan, duhz

Music, Red Carpet

ACM’s Red Carpet

HEY GUYS! It’s one out of 1000 country music awards! Except these ones are GREAT because Luke Bryan co-hosts with Blake Shelton and therefore I get to spend a lot of time staring at my TV and drooling over Lukey. Generally the country boys really show up for these awards, fashion-wise. There were a couple disappointments but overall the southern gentlemen were looking fre$h in their Sunday best.

Worst:

Shweet Curtains.

The Mickey Mouse Ears covering her boobs aren’t doing things for me.

WHY DO MEN STILL THINK IT’S OK TO WEAR POWDER BLUE. IT’S NOT.

Montel is here for some reason, and he borrowed this outfit from an ice dancer.

Damn it, Nick. You’re a smoke and you decided to wear this?! He looks like a caricature of Woody from Toy Story.

Jana, this dress makes me dizzy.

Frankie Ballard as the Circus ring leader of the evening.

Why is Jamie Lyn Spears here?

This is his “awards show” short sleeve plaid shirt.

Hate to do it but I don’t like this dress at all. She redeems herself real quick during the awards though.

Was there a 2 for 1 special at the barber, Dan & Shay?

Prom Barbie

Nottttt a flattering dress

I mean…

Why is Darius wearing the same shades that the old blind guy in the Sandlot wore?

Might I remind everyone that at the CMA’s, this girl performed in basically a sparkle t-shirt. Clearly she has something against covering her lady bits.

Best:

Red sass on sass.

Boys, this is how you do blue. Take notes.

Classic look for Kellie Pickler

Best dressed couple of the night. Best dressed couple of ever.

Chase lookin polished and classy.

Dierks with the plaid sass is fresh to death.

Don’t think I didn’t try to crop his wife out.

Left Osborne-Yes, Right Osborne-No (Powder Blue rule…)

FGL NO VESTS. GET IT, BOYS.

Hunter in a grown up suit.

Kacey didn’t do anything flashy or weird and for that I commend her on the best dressed.

YASS.

Keith is so cool guy rocker it hurts.

The disco ball twins went for it.

Sam Hunt ❤

Don’t even know who this is and it was my fave of the night, easily.

PURPLE SUIT. ALL THE AWARDS.

Music, Television

iHeartRadio Music Awards Recap

Didn’t actually know that these were a legit thing until I saw JT tweet about how he was being honored, and I don’t need to be told twice to tune into a slobbering of Justin. You also know that I never pass up an opportunity to recap an awards show either. I actually really enjoyed this one, surprisingly so it was a great decision overall. They were better than the Grammy’s. Boom. I said it.

Highs:

-Nick Jonas performing Chains wrapped in actual chains and wearing the shit out of some leather pants while hoes parade around him and bang on some drums. -The JT and Taylor Swift show. Right from the get-go we see that these two are seated at the same table and generally just F’ing around like a couple of goobers. Tay wins and JT tries to go up instead of her. They’re now rivaling Jfall and JT for besties that I could watch hang out foreva.

Justin Timberlake and Taylor Swift doing Taylor Swift surprise face will solve all your problems. #iHeartAwards pic.twitter.com/yuI0H9u2Vu

— Alex Goldschmidt (@alexandergold) March 30, 2015

-Tay wins best lyrics for Blank Space and shouts it out to all the insta captions of “darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” (kinda bummed she didn’t also include homemade mugs, cause mine is BO$$) also clarifies that she doesn’t sing about Starbucks Lovers, whatevs grl, we’ll sing what we wanna sing.

-FGL performs “Sun Daze” and neither of them are wearing a disgusting vest. Good work, boys. Keep it up.

-There are “my journey” stories from artists in between awards and performances and I actually really liked this because it was something different and probably made up for time they would’ve had to fill with Jamie Foxx telling offensive jokes and singing the I’m in love with the coco song over and over again.

-They show a peek backstage of Nick Jonas doing pushups in his leather pants and there clearly is a God.

-It becomes evident that this awards show is kind of a free for all when Jamie Foxx strolls around shooting the shit with singers asking them to practice their winning faces and gettin all up on “random white girls” before they literally cut him off mid-sentence. I love a good hosting train wreck.

-JT’s teal suit, jizzworthy montage of all of his greatest achievements with his besties bowing down to him & entire acceptance speech for the innovator award (except the last lines ugh, still won’t accept that he’s not all mine.) Watch in full below (2:21 for montage, 5:22 for speech)

-Jason Derulo performs “Want to Want Me”. Those dance moves, tossing the mic around like a seasoned vet, thrusting, that falsetto…all equal YES. -Sam Smith has a pre-recorded crooning of “Lay Me Down” with candles and an orchestra. So smooth.

-Madonna performs a song that was suuuperrr lame but recruited Taylor Swift to play acoustic guitar in a sexy black lace dress with thigh high black boots and it becomes very clear that even Madonna understands that in order to have her tired performance noticed she needed Tswizzle to spice it up. All she did was strum the guitar and those legs still stole the show. – Nate Reuss performs “Nothing Without Love” wearing a very Hamptons-esque whoutfit, but also has a case of the scary eyes while singing. He lays it all out on the line though cruising around the stage in those loafers and crushes the song.

Lows:

-Jamie Foxx makes some cracks about Suge Knight in his monologue and obviously doesn’t realize that Suge can still have him killed from the clink, probably should be a little more terrified about that. Also cheap shots about Bruce Jenner’s trans-gender thang. Yikes.

-Meghan Trainor performs “Dear Future Husband” with an unnecessary bedazzled sailor cap and it’s pretty snoozeworthy.

-“Stay tuned for something everyone will be talking about tomorrow so you don’t wanna miss it.” Every awards show teaser EVER. I HIGHLY doubt my boss will be dying to talk about T. Swift playing guitar for Madonna. Nice try.

-Rihanna premieres new song “Bitch Better Have My Money” with a ‘copter onstage and wearing that. No thanks. -Ian Ziering presents with Left Shark. Left shark has 1000% jumped the ship, pun intended. This joke has been drowned to death. NO MORE LEFT SHARK, PLEASE.

-Brantley “Bedazzled and jewel encrusted cross t-shirt” Gilbert wins the renegade award (the throw everyone who hasn’t been nominated into this one, award) and feels it’s necessary to tell everyone that he’s not wearing lip gloss, he just kissed his fiance. Oh ok.

-Why is Chris Brown allowed anywhere? Why is he still releasing music, why is he still famous, why is his hair green? WHY. Go away, Breezy.

-Snoop Dogg forever will give me the heebie jeebs.

Best Dressed (Obviously):

View this post on Instagram

These two are pretty awesome. 😎 @justintimberlake @taylorswift #iheartawards @iheartradio

A post shared by Nick Jonas (@nickjonas) on Mar 29, 2015 at 10:20pm PDT

Not coincidentally, the best dressed of the night were also the top three that dominated this show and made it entertaining. Ok, okay these two looked pretty bangin too. Need Pitch Perfect 2 and I needed it yesterday.

Full Winners List

Best Lyrics- “Blank Space”-Taylor Swift

Hip Hop/R&B Song of the Year- “Don’t Tell Em”- Jeremih ft. YG

Innovator- Justin Timberlake

Best New Artist- Sam Smith

Best Country Artist- Jason Aldean

Best Fan Army- 5SOSFan What?

Best Collaboration- “Bang Bang”- Jessie J, Ariana & Nicki

Renegade- Brantley Gilbert (this award is the most random)

Best Dance Song of the Year- “Summer”- Calvin Harris

Alternative Rock Song of the Year- “Take Me to Church”-Hozier

Song of the Year- “Shake it Off”- Taylor Swift

Artist of the Year- Taylor Swift. Duhs.

The Salty Ju

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