1. THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS RELATED TO THE SUPER BOWL THIS WEEK: Budweiser releases some teaser footage of their annual ad full of puppies and horsies. This year’s ad is called “Lost Dog” and I think I speak for all white girls when I say I CAN’T EVEN with these clips and pictures of the wittle baby puppy wandering around lost and scared. Budweiser better deliver that happy ending, I barely sat through Homeward Bound and I cannot handle another pet being lost. We don’t need another Sarah Mclachlan travesty of a commercial on our hands, Bud.
Since we don’t know the outcome of this little guy’s muddy adventure just yet, let’s pick ourselves back up by watching last year’s ad “Puppy Love”
Enjoy crying into your buffalo wing dip this year at the Super Bowl.
2. Ellie Goulding released the music video for Love Me Like You Do off of the Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack. I’m including this for all my 50 Shades Fanatics. I haven’t read the book because if I’m going to read a novel about BDSM I’d prefer that my mom and grandma haven’t read the same one. I probably won’t see the movie either because I saw the chemistry between these two at the Golden Globes and it wasn’t worth a sizzle reel. However, this song is catchy and I can get down with it. So jam out and enjoy some lip biting, long stares and O faces set to Ellie’s magical voice, you wacky sex fiends.
BONUS: In related 50 Shades news this week, apparently the scene from the book including a tampon being ripped from Ana’s vag will NOT be included in the film, which is a shame really because nothing gets me going quite like my uterine wall shedding every month.
3. Chad Michael Murray got married to Sarah Roemer and they’re expecting. Don’t know who Sarah Roemer is? A quick trick to figure out who CMM is dating is to browse the cast list of his most recent TV Show/Movie.
Chad is a co-star whore. It all started with Sophia Bush on OTH, then “allegedly” Paris Hilton on House of Wax and finally he was engaged to extra Kenzie Dalton from OTH for like ever and most recently was Nicky Whelan also his co-star from Chosen (awwkkk these three worked together and he boned both.) He can’t keep his hands home while he’s working apparently. He’s been dating Sarah since August, so it’s obviously reaaall serious. I hope for all One Tree Hill fans that he called Sarah last minute from the airport to get hitched in Vegas. And she showed up and said, You’re a mess, Chad Michael Murray–But you’re my mess. Cue the ambiguous too-deep-for-high-school literature quote:
4. Mrs. Doubtfire to become a musical. Alan Menken who is like the #1 Disney composer revealed that he’s been writing music for the musical version of Mrs. Doubtfire and Harvey Fierstein will be writing the book. Fierstein played the brother who did the infamous Mrs. Doubtfire makeover in the movie. My thoughts on this childhood favorite of mine becoming a musical can be summed up in one word: NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Seriously not everything needs to be sung. Three thousand thumbs down to this idea and the film’s sequel as well. Leave the classic alone, poppets.
5. JLo dished on Watch What Happens Live and continued her fashion tour of “I’m 45 and I’ll leave my tits and ass out as much as I please”.
When asked about her exes, JLo revealed that clearly she doesn’t go for looks, delivering a nice zinger to her ex-husband and father of her children, Marc Anthony. Yeah girl, we know. Also she’s still willing to rob the cradle, which we all assumed by her recent wardrobe choices and her affinity to get reeeall close with her baby costar from the glorified Lifetime movie that came out last weekend “Boy Next Door”. (Unrelated: does anyone wanna go see that with me? Let me know.)
Bonus: Nick Jonas grabbed his junk again. This time in a suit. You’re welcome ladies…
1. I missed the Critics Choice Awards last night. That’s on me. And reading about it is giving me FOMO because apparently any awards show that I DON’T watch is when things happen: Michael Strahan hosted and did a Magic Mike routine, John Kraskinski & Emily Blunt were cute as shit and Kevin-Silver Fox-Costner won a lifetime award. Whatever. Here’s the worst looks:
And the best looks:
2A. Even though I did a full recap and fashion blog on the Globes, there were some worthy next day shots of after party outfits that deserved to be addressed. (Mainly I can’t go without giving props to my girl Tay.) Here are some of my fave outfits for people who were cool enough to party but not enough to attend the awards.
To be clear, Taylor is the best dressed here.
2B. While we’re on the topic of Jennifer Aniston, let’s discuss another tidbit to come after the Globes. Remember when Billy Bob Thornton accepted his Golden Globe for Fargo and basically said everything he says gets him in trouble so he’ll just say thank you? Apparently Billy didn’t apply this rule to his post-Globes interviews. When asked to play Would You Rather with Jen Aniston or Reese Witherspoon, Billy revealed it’s his life goal to take Jen to poundtown. No word on if he would also like to exchange vials of blood with her but I’ll be happy to keep you posted on the matter. (Shoutout to Den for the goss. tip)
3.Kelly Clarkson came out of what I can only assume was retirement (it’s been a while) and released Heartbeat Song, which is a great jam so get groovin to it this weekend. Also her bowling ball head child named after a body of water produced it or something.
4. Idina Menzel will be singing Let it Go The National Anthem at the Superbowl. You know what would be REALLY patriotic? If I could go five minutes without getting the song Let it Go stuck in my head. America has ruined winter, Idina Menzel and everything snowman related with that damn song and I just want to live my life Let it Go free. If there are ANY superbowl promos that play this song when announcing her singing the national anthem I will LITERALLY chop both of my ears off because I will no longer be needing them in this Let it Go world. If we’re being honest I’m actually surprised there aren’t more ear cutting incidents with parents of small children who probably play this song/movie on repeat. End rant. (Just so we’re clear just typing the song title that many times ensured that the song is in my head for the rest of the day). Also John Legend will be singing America the Beautiful and this I can stand behind wholeheartedly. John has the voice of an angel and I will approve of him serenading forever and ever.
5. Mariah Carey is banished to Vegas. Not a minute too soon really….Just kidding, she should’ve been shipped to Vegas for her show girl act roughly circa 2001. Props to her for trying to stay relevant for as long as she did. I’m gonna go ahead and assume her abomination of All I Want For Christmas Is You at the NYC tree lighting this year pretty much sealed the deal. If you’re looking for the revival of butterflies and rhinestone frocks, be sure to pre-order your tickets now to see her Vegas act at Caesar’s Palace (side note: do you think the real Caesar lived there? Asking for a friend. You’re welcome for bringing back a 5 year old movie quote.) Also in other sad sap Mariah Carey news her baby husband Nick Cannon has filed for divorce. YIKES. Getting the D bomb AND the Vegas act all in one week. #ThoughtsandPrayers
1. Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray hit up Splitsville-Population: 90% of Bachelor(ette) contestants. The pair have “mutually ended their engagement” and everything is peaceful as can be for a breakup that will be dissected by Chris Harrison for years to come. I think we all saw this coming ever since jelly belly Nick blurted on national TV that him and Andi banged one out in the fantasy suite. Fingers crossed that he comes crawling right out of the woodwork now that the split has hit the news. It seems as though Bachelor fans are really floored with this breakup because Andi and Josh were like REALLY in love…you know because they declared it via Insta and Twitter every few hours. Methinks that if you have to broadcast it so often and you also met on a reality television show maybe it wasn’t the real deal. Jus Sayin. Bet Andi is really kicking herself that she also lost out on Prince Farming and someone who gives free hugs now has the edge over her.
2. Kept hush hush until this week, Blake Lively birthed the perfect human and if I had her number I’d text her “Pics or it didn’t happen” because seriously, we need to see this kid. No name or gender is revealed so obviously stay tuned for further information. Since this barely qualifies as news with no proof, Nick & Vanessa Lachey also had a baby this week and named her Brooklyn Elisabeth. Super cute, somewhat normal and they have my stamp of approval for name choice.
3. Tha Biebs did Calvin Klein and they had to photoshop him a whole lot so he didn’t look like the pre-pubescent teen that he is. Stiff competition to release a Calvin ad RIGHT after Nick “droolworthy abs” Jonas did. Biebs clearly had to add in something or else it would’ve been lost in the shuffle of his delinquent news and platinum blonde locks. With or without his fake abs and happy trail I’m not in the least bit turned on by this ad. Nick Jonas for the win (and obviously vintage Marky Mark for the overall win.)
4. Jimmy Fallon’s Infamous Lip Sync Battle segment will be it’s own show debuting on Spike in April. I was getting all revved up about it until they announced the host is LL Cool J. WHY is LL Cool J EVER THE HOST OF ANYTHING?! He is the CHEESIEST guy alive. And he wears a Kangol unironically. Like Date Mike.
5. This music video for Sia’s “Elastic Heart” came out and was getting a lot of buzz. Obviously people are a liiiiiitttle overly sensitive about the dancing that’s going on between Shia LaBeouf and like 11 year old dancer Maddie Ziegler. I think everyone’s concern should actually be that anyone hired Shia again after he had a baby meltdown recently and was attending press events with a paper bag over his head. Either way…watch the video and decide for yourselves. It’s obv real weird and artsy (I’m trying to make us all more cultured) but I dig the song and also all I could think the whole time was how I wish I were light enough to be flung around like little Maddie. Damn kids.
1. Okay so obviously JT and Jimmy Fallon read The Salty Ju because after hearing my cries of a reunion they did a skit together on Tuesday’s Tonight Show. Although it may not have been the full show that I was pleading for, it was just enough of a taste of their terrific bromance, duet and general stupidity to tide me over until JT can make a full appearance. (I’m assuming they filmed this in between JT attending Tay’s 25th and tearing down Brooklyn with Jay-Z)
2. Several sketchy sources have confirmed that Jeets bought a house in Skaneateles. So I’m here to report that Derek Jeter is moving to Skaneateles. Did I read this article and deduct my own story from it? Absolutely. But every one knows that his house in Skan-town will be SOOOO much better than St. Jetersberg. I mean naturally right after I move out of the ‘Nang, the holy specimen that is Jeter moves on in. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Don’t answer that.
(Special thank you to my sister who sent me a text at 6:48AM this morning with this insider info)
3. Nick Jonas was dallying around NYC the other day and decided to go into FAO Schwarz (suicide mission at Christmas time…not sure what compelled him to do this) but the result of his visit was an impromptu performance of Jealous on the big piano. Yes please.
4.Ashlee Simpson is officially pregs with her second child. After going through her bad boy phase with Pete Wentz and having her first baby Bronx (why..) several years ago…Ashlee faded into oblivion and was just married to Evan Ross aka son of Diana Ross. This is obviously not news–this is just an excuse for me to post clips from her reality show circa ten years ago when her and Ryan Cabrera were the “it” couple and she was constantly wah-wahing about how Jess gets all the attention. Your weekend laughs are provided by a melodramatic Ash pre-dying her hair goth black to stand out and be edgy.
5. People has their first ever People Magazine Awards last night and provided us with some great fashion moments as well as this worthy nugget from Chris Messina and Mindy Kaling winning best onscreen couple in The Mindy Project. They are the dream couple.
Also Jennifer Lopez made me eat my words from the last awards show that I critiqued her outfit at. SHE IS LITERALLY 45 and she looks like THIS.
Yeah, yeah, this happened Monday and technically now it’s old news but it would be embarrassing if I rounded up the best headlines from the week and glossed over this. If you saw this photo of the royals mingling with Will & Kate and didn’t immediately wonder what they could possibly talking about then I don’t want to know you as a person. I mean they could’ve been marrying off George and Blue Ivy for all we know. (Fingers crossed) Also Lebron James obviously tried to insert himself into the cool kids group, grammed a picture with Will & Kate and called them the Queen and the Prince and himself the King (naturally) and then quickly corrected it. He also took a lot of heat (pun intended) for how grabby he was with the Duchess and how that’s real frowned upon in England. Get it together, Lebron. Gawd. Stop making our country look trashy & sweaty.
PS In fresher Queen B news, she released a short film today for the one year anniversary of the secret album heard round the world. I watched it and considered including it in the juice, but it’s 11 mins and 30 seconds worth of cliche quotes and weird artsy scenes and I will not subject my readers to that. Watch at your own risk and be prepared to hear a lot of quotes you usually see on the poster in the Dentist’s office.
2. Marky Mark and Jimmy Fallon have a giant hand slapfest.
Do I have the maturity level of a 5 year old who couldn’t stop laughing at two grown men big hand slapping each other? Absolutely and I’ve come to terms with that. Mark has been in the news a lot lately for being a big jerk who wants to be pardoned for his near murder of a man when he was just a kid on the dirty streetz of Dorchestah. It was nice to see him settle down and have some nice goofy times with Jimmy, and also letting Jimmy mess up his stupid slicked hair. SLICKED HAIR ISN’T HOT MARKY MARK. But this is:
3. The Golden Globes and SAG Nominees were announced–which means we’re closer to more awards show recaps from yours truly!! The biggest jazz about this nominees list is that Ben Affleck got snubbed, as is now a tradition apparently. On the bright side, someone in a dark corner of the Internet released the uncut shower scene from Gone Girl and we can all bask in the glory of Ben’s junk. It’s unfortunate that the one quality movie I did see this year (Gone Girl) only got a few noms. So everyone can look forward to me fully focusing on making fun of the Golden Globes rather than giving film reviews, as I clearly don’t watch award-winning movies.
Golden Globe Full Nominee List:
BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA Boyhood
Selma
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
Foxcatcher
BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Jennifer Aniston, Cake
BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
David Oyelowo, Selma Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
BEST DIRECTOR
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman
Ava DuVernay, Selma
David Fincher, Gone Girl
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel
BEST TV DRAMA The Good Wife
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
The Affair
House of Cards
BEST ACTOR, TV SERIES, DRAMA
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Clive Owen, The Knick
Dominic West, The Affair
James Spader, The Blacklist
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
BEST ACTRESS, TV SERIES, DRAMA
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder
Ruth Wilson, The Affair
Claire Danes, Homeland
BEST MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY Birdman
Into the Woods
St. Vincent
Pride
The Grand Budapest Hotel
BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Emily Blunt, Into the Woods
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Julianne Moore, Maps to the Stars
Helen Mirren, The Hundred-Foot Journey
Quvenzhané Wallis, Annie
BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Bill Murray, St. Vincent
Joaquin Phoenix, Inherent Vice
Christoph Waltz, Big Eyes
BEST TV COMEDY Girls
Jane the Virgin
Orange Is the New Black
Silicon Valley
Transparent
BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, COMEDY
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black
Lena Dunham, Girls
Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES, COMEDY
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Ricky Gervais, Derek
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
Louis C.K., Louie
William H. Macy, Shameless
BEST TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE True Detective
Fargo
The Normal Heart
Olive Kitteridge
The Missing
BEST ACTRESS IN A TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge
Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honorable Woman
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Frances O’Connor, Missing
Allison Tolman, Fargo
BEST ACTOR IN A TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Matthew McConaughey, True Detective
Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo
Martin Freeman, Fargo
Woody Harrelson, True Detective
Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE
Allison Janney, Mom
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Michelle Monaghan, True Detective
Joan Frogatt, Downton Abbey
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE
Matthew Bomer, The Normal Heart
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Colin Hanks, Fargo
BEST SCREENPLAY, MOTION PICTURE
Birdman
Boyhood
Gone Girl
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM Ida Tangerine Mandarin Leviathan Force Majeure Gett: The Trial of Viviane Amsalem
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Robert Duvall, The Judge
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Jessica Chastain, A Most Violent Year
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
The Lego Movie
Big Hero 6
How to Train Your Dragon 2
The Boxtrolls
The Book of Life
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
John Legend & Common, “Glory” (Selma)
Lana Del Rey, “Big Eyes” (Big Eyes)
Patti Smith, “Mercy Is” (Noah)
Sia, “Opportunity” (Annie)
Lorde, “Yellow Flicker Beat” (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay — Part I)
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
Johann Johannsson, The Theory of Everything
Alexandre Desplat, The Imitation Game
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, Gone Girl
Antonio Sanchez, Birdman
Hans Zimmer, Interstellar
4. Lauren Conrad was featured on a Pop Innovator special on E! last night and I couldn’t have been more excited to watch it. Trey made an appearance because he’s still a supportive BFF to LC and he also aged REAL well. It also featured the creator of Laguna Beach/The Hills, LC’s whole family, best friend & business partner and her agent. It was a behind the scenes look at the life of Lauren Conrad including some real adorbsies home videos and childhood photos. Things I learned: 1. LC’s 22 year old brother is a smoke, where has he been hiding? 2. LC was supposed to be at a soccer game the day they had auditions for Laguna Beach and she didn’t go and therefore was kicked off the team–LC was an ATHLETE?! 3. She agreed to do The Hills mostly for the paycheck…a TV show about her life is literally comparable to the rest of us taking a receptionist job right out of college..doing it for the paycheck/insurance. That immediately put my life into perspective. 4. Apparently the Teen Vogue internship was an actual internship (not all scripted) and she was expected to do intern things even though her cover photo hung on the wall in the office. Side note: Blaine made an appearance and is still very hot and was much nicer than he ever was on The Hills. 5. In case you hadn’t already figured it out, my girl crush on LC has grown three sizes since watching this. Plus she looked GREAT on the special:
5. Barbara Walters Announced Most Fascinating People on The View. Babs named: Neil Patrick Harris, Oprah Winfrey, Taylor Swift, Chelsea Handler, Michael Strahan, Scarlett Johansson, and David Koch will be featured in her annual most fascinating people special. The additional three interviewees will be revealed during the broadcast. I’m like 90% sure she picks the same people every year but if it’s a slow TV night you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching and possibly blogging about it. Might be good for some juicy TSwizzle tidbits.
Outfit on point as alwayz
Bonus: For my fellow New Girl fans (or Cuse people) Zooey Deschanel filmed fat Schmidt lip synching and dancing to Rihanna. (Follow link below)
1. Jimmy Fallon and wife Nancy welcome their second daughter. Surprise! Since their first daughter Winnie is adorbsies (a rare thing you’ll hear me say), I have high hopes for baby #2 except for the fact that they named her Frances Cole. Frances.Fallon. WHYYY?! I look forward to cute pics of the two girls dressed up in something fluffy and posing with Gary, the lovable Fallon pup. I act like Jimmy and I are best friends because I watch the Tonight Show…doesn’t everyone? Next up: fingers crossed for another JT appearance. It’s been almost a year and its unnacceptable. (that was completely unrelated to Jimmy having another baby, but it needed to be said.)
2. Jake Owen cut his signature long locks. Famous for bro country songs like Barefoot Blue Jean Night, Beachin, and Days of Gold, Jake is the epitome of surfer brah. Welp he no longer looks the part. He buzzed…and I’m not saying I supported his long hair wholeheartedly, but I grew to love that mom haircut of his and now I just don’t know what to think. I need a good front angle pic STAT to decide.
3. Blake Lively stepped out again on the red carpet with FLAWLESS maternity fashion. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that Blake is the hottest pregnant woman alive, just nailing it lately. (That statement is only sorta biased, everyone knows Blake is my #1 girl crush) This week she sported this tight black backless gown:
Let’s not forget the yellow gown from about a month ago:
BAM. Lotta pressure for this baby to be the most beautiful creature on this earth.
4. Jana Kramer (formerly of One Tree Hill as Alex Dupre) now known for the woman who gets engaged every few months. You guessed it! Jana is engaged again, for the 4th time! Michael Caussin, NFL tight end (free agent) proposed a few days ago on Jana’s 31st birthday. They’ve been dating since August. If you’d like a brief recap, Jana was married in 2004 (divorced several months later), then again in 2009 to the actor famously known for the “I quit” scene in That Thing You Do (divorced 1 month later), most recently Jana was engaged to Brantley Gilbert, the trashiest of country singers, usually seen on red carpets wearing a bejeweled cross tee and black hat covering his eyes. They didn’t make it to the altar and broke off the engagement several months later. And here we are. Jana released her first single in a while over the summer that she has hashtagged to death called Love in which she sings “I still believe in wedding rings and bibles, I still believe the best walk you’ll ever take is walking down the aisle.” Well, girl would know…she’s an expert by now! (This may seem like a low blow but try following someone on social media who posts her own lyrics from one song for 6 months straight and then you might understand.)
5. Aaron Carter continues to prove that he’s still obsessed with Hilary Duff and would like a second shot now that she’s single and he’s a washed up teen singer looking for a comeback and touring the country at 10 bucks a ticket. In the event that you weren’t a Disney tween like myself, Aaron Carter and Hilary Duff dated on and off from 2001-2003 until Lindsay Lohan got in the mix and Hil was like SEE YA. You’re better than that, Hil, good call. When Hil separated from her NFL hubbie Mike Comrie last year, Aaron tweeted his support with some not so subtle hints that she’s the love of his life and he’s gonna get her back. YIKES bro let it go. Well he hasn’t. He instagrammed this photo this week showing him pining over his teenage love by watching their teenage cheesy Christmas movie. Here’s hoping that Double A moves on soon and uses 2015 to pen some more jams like “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” and “That’s How I Beat Shaq”. BOOM. BOOM. I put it in the hoop like SLAM. SLAM.
Hearing Cups before the trailer even started was already magic to my ears and then they went ahead and made it a Barden Bellas melody via campfire and made it 100 times better. The sad song, the slow motion, the slumber parties, it started out looking like a farewell college video and I’m certainly not in an emotional state to handle that right now. It’ll pretty much always be too soon for that. THANK GOD they picked shit up because I was running out of tissues. After some arm farting, we get a dirty beat and it looks like a trailer for Step Up 7:The Beatz from the Streetz (Trademark pending). This is what I can get down with. It could very well be a Step Up movie because it’s World Championships now and there was a lot of stripping onstage shown in a very short period of time. Side note: Legit thought the foreign blonde chick was Sofia Vergara for a second and then felt bad immediately because this woman is obviously a man. Sorry Sofia…my B. Anyway this trailer was phenomenal and now I have outrageously high hopes for this sequel to be a banger with another epic soundtrack. It’s no coincidence that it premieres on my birthday and I for one can’t wait to ring in my 24th year with my gurl Fat Amy.
2. We all got Beyonce’d again. She snuck a new song and music video for 7/11 out on Friday night because weekends don’t matter to Beyonce. No one can have other plans when she could drop another album at a moment’s notice. Thanks for keeping us on our toes, Bey.
So this music video looks like it was just a girls night in a hotel room, getting slizzard and having a dance party. That’s so basic of Bey…appealing to the masses with a music video that we all could make. She uses her foot as a phone and dances around in her underwear. The song is pretty annoying so I won’t fault you if you don’t watch the whole video. Here is the music video summed up in one screenshot:
3. Jesse McCartney releases music video for Punch Drunk Recreation
JESSE! When’s your next house party? LMK.
4. Jimmy Kimmel does his 8th installment of Celebs Reading Mean Tweets and this one is memorable because John Stamos FINALLY addresses his barf.com belly button.
5. Have you ever wanted to go on a date with a member of 1D? Good news, their new video allows you to do so. Set it full screen and kick back for your date, ladiezzz.
Not even leaving my apt and being wined and dined by some hotties is the perfect Saturday night.
Sorry I’m not sorry this week’s buzz is music video heavy…I just follow the JUice, people.
The MOST important events from the end of last week/this weekend.
1. Solange Knowles gets married to video director Alan Ferguson today and releases a family photo that actually made me shiver. So FIERCE.
Can you imagine being the only asshole in a Knowles family photo who didn’t get the memo that smiles are not welcome? I’m looking at you, left of Beyonce.
Speaking of assholes, let’s see what Solange wore as her “arrival” outfit:
They arrived on white bicycles and she was wearing a jumpsuit. No news of her street fighting Jay in said jumpsuit so it seems it was a happy occasion. If we’re being honest Yonce probably stole the show anyway. Don’t invite a Queen to your wedding and expect her to hide in the shadows. Guarantee she sneezed on Solange’s jumpsuit and the jumpsuit got sickah.
2. James Van Der Beek ran into Joshua Jackson on Saturday and Dawson’s Creek freaks like myself got to indulge in a present day Pacey/Dawson insta. Just a couple of bros from the Creek, rising above their mutual love for Joey.
3. Robert Pattinson did THIS to his hair:
And I puked all over the place. That was a real mess to clean up. Oh how the Cullen has fallen. Seriously clean it up, Rob. He’s also reported to be dating an individual named FKA Twigs. If anyone has any suggestions on even how to pronounce that fake life name please step forward in this very difficult time.
4. S Club 7 reunited for a charity show and gave us all an excuse to piss our pants. Here is their performance:
Immediate thoughts upon watching it: The men of S Club all hit the carbs real hard in the past few years and were looking a little chubs.(Minus Jon, who looks the same) Jo has Kate Gosselin hair, which is fitting because she looked like a mom chaperoning the group. Rachel is still the absolute banger of the club. Hasn’t aged a day, all bets on everyone hating her just because she’s still got it. Although Tina in those sparkle hot pants was a surprising curveball. They collectively pulled the classic, “if we dress like the era we were famous in, no one will remember that we’re middle aged”…but we all remembered. After performing their first banger (S Club Party) they transitioned into another tune (Reach For the Stars) where Jo had to solo and clearly couldn’t hold her own. Whenever a singer is belting for 1 second and has to ask the audience to sing it, it means they need assistance, STAT. Bradley and his ombre hair stepped in to take over. He handled it much better. The coordinated dance spins to Bring It All Back To You were so on point. We were then treated to an electronic dance break that was a liiiittleee on the stiff side. Don’t worry though because they all stuck a pose at the end boy band style and it was the best finale I could’ve asked for. Props to them for making a comeback for charity, and I think I can speak for us all when I say that if ABC Family (Formerly Fox Family) doesn’t start playing re runs of S Club 7 soon I’m going to write a strongly worded letter.
The gang in their heyday.
5. This is last on the list because it’s bullshit news, but Hallmark & Lifetime holiday cheeseball movie season is upon us and I understand that everyone will NEED full recaps of the hundreds that I will consume before Christmas. I’m here to tell you that I will be delivering. If your guilty pleasure is Santa’s elves playing matchmaker and a couple falling in love amidst the smell of gingerbread houses and sharing a first kiss under the mistletoe, I will be posting which ones are the best (by best we all understand that I mean cringeworthy but watchable) so stay tuned for that merry addition to this blog.
Top Headlines of the Day(AKA What I’ve Decided Is Important):
1. Leonardo DiCaprio turned 40 today.
FORTY?! SERIOUSLY?
Regardless since Leo will always be timeless let’s raise a glass to that pretty face. HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLD SPORT!
2. Everyone’s favorite hot mess, Jennifer Lawrence is back on the press circuit for The Hunger Games and thus will be dominating the news with her goofy one liners and silly stories. Her news today is that she will never join Twitter and is not into social media.
This is probably in her best interest. Sucks for everyone else though.
3. Mindy Kaling looked FAB at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards last night. This isn’t that big of a headline, but I just made it one, cause she deserves it. BOOYAH. Also if you’re not watching The Mindy Project you should immediately start if you like to laugh and generally enjoy life.
Salvador Perez Original
4. Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy land a reality show on A&E called “Donnie Loves Jenny” set to air in 2015. A&E is also home to Wahlburgers, the show about the whole Wahlberg family and their restaurant biz. (I’ve been trying to weasle my way out to Wahlburgers for some eats and a casj snake into their reality show since I moved to Boston. NBD but HBD.) Anyway, this will probably be a trainwreck. Don’t get me wrong, I could listen to those Dooorchesstahh accents insult each other and say they love their motha all day but I’m only thinking of reality show couple history. RIP Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica. Ok that just brought a tear to my eye to type that. It appears it’s still too soon to dive down that avenue. In summary, yes I will watch, no I will not love it.
5. Kevin Reilly is a name you guys probably don’t recognize. I do because he sucks. He was the former CEO of the Fox network who was just let go recently. One of his last things he did for Fox was cancel my beloved Enlisted. See below. The Kevster was JUST hired at TNT/TBS and the first thing he did there was cancel Franklin & Bash….the ONE show that I watch on either of those networks. Basically, Kevin Reilly hates hot shirtless men and does not want them on TV. And you can quote me on that.
FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS-ENLISTED
Until next time, Mark Paul.
That’s it for Tuesday’s JUice. (See what I did there 😉 )
The Salty Ju 