Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Music, Pop Culture

OG Taylor Swift Music Videos

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I’m a music video lover…everyone else thinks they’re nonexistent but I still pretend it’s the TRL days and get excited when a video for a song I like is released. As such, I sometimes like to surf through old ones when I don’t(ish) have work to do. Since Taylor Swift has become the world’s biggest celebrity and casually includes 100 models, actresses, and singers in her music videos like they’re motion pictures now, I thought it might be funsicles if we look back on “country” Tay and her best music videos, pre-superstardom. (and pre-Twitter VMA beef)

5. Picture to Burn

I actually just discovered this music video, apparently I had never seen it before but dayumn, revenge Tay is SO sassy. She was like 16/17 when she made this video and it’s fiery. First of all, it includes BFF Abigail, and starts out with some pre-song acting, which is always cringeworthy. They blab to each other and just as I’m expecting to see a lame music video unfold they cut to Tay rocking out with a Secret Service-esque band while wearing over the knee hooker boots and it’s GAME ON. She then proceeds to put on a full leather outfit to sit on her ex-BF’s couch while her band trashes his house.

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After we find out this whole badass revenge plot was a figment of her imagination and in reality her and Abigail have been sitting outside of some guys house with binoculars like a couple of pervs, Tay delivers the line “I’m over it.” This guy let some BIDDY drive his truck, he doesn’t even DESERVE Taylor’s catsuit sleuthing revenge. BOOYAH, GURL.

HIGHLIGHT: The sly Rihanna “Um-ber-ella-ella-ella” scene of her silhouette (with fedora) sashaying in the fire sparks.

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4. Ours

This song is adorable and probably an all-time top 5 TSwizzle song for me depending on the day…what makes this video is the fact that she’s clearly trying to overplay the cliches of working in an office and make it look really old school and miserable EXCEPT THAT EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS MUSIC VIDEO HAPPENS AT MY OFFICE DAILY. One thing that is suuuper embarrassing and not relatable is her biz casj ensemble…running sneaks with a pencil skirt & matching blazer? It’s not the 80’s Tay. (Quick confession time: I definitely have that scarf.) Also, could you go fix your hair?

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Anyway, while T is so over adult life and day dreaming about being with her boo, she has to battle flickering fluorescent lights…I had a fire drill at work the other day that not only required me to shuffle outside with my co-workers like cattle until I could return to my desk, but ALSO they let the fire alarm flash a fluorescent strobe light for approximately an hour after the drill. Taylor has to wait while a guy gets water. The stress of running into someone in the baby office kitchen and doing the awkward oh you go first to use the microwave and I’ll just stare is so. real. And last but certainly not least, Tay endures the elevator. Yes everyone in the elevator hates their life. What makes it more enjoyable is that I have to take the elevator to the second floor due to security and I get a nice glare every time I do it like I’m a fat, lazy piece of shit. But I’m sure your time acting like you had to do this every day for a music video is much more mizzz than actual cube monkey life, Taylor. END RANT.

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What’s most important is that her boyfriend is Matt Saracen and I can get mad at her fake work life all I want but if I was going home to this cutie pie I’d be checking my watch at work constantly too. (FTR I do check my watch at work constantly and all I’m going home to is food and TV.) Seven would be a whole lot better though.

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HIGHLIGHT: The adorbs hand ILU in their cute AF home video that she watched on company time. I’m SO reporting her to HR.

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3. You Belong With Me

Here is an all-time classic for Taylor’s acting chops. You can tell how excited she was to have an in front of the mirror changing character montage and also big glasses (SO DORKY.) The only bone I have to pick with this video is that it plays right into every teenage girl’s fantasy that you and the boy next door will fall in love and can basically climb into each other’s windows to hang and stuff (wink). You know what else promotes that ideal? The Duff. Great movie, shitty farce that your neighbor growing up would EVER look like an Abercrombie and Fitch model. Anyway, I’m getting carried away here…

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The neighbor is obviously a dreamboat dating the bitchy cheerleader with a horrible wig, tale as old as time. I think probably the biggest shocker is not that these two are both carrying around full sheets of paper that say “I Love You” at prom, but the fact that marching bands still wear those hats like Yankee Doodle. That’s not real life, is it?

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But the cheerleader gets served and it’s supes adorbs that Taylor snaked her way out of the friend zone even though she tried this on in front of the mirror and had the audacity to leave her curtain open. WHAT IF HE SAW THAT, TAYLOR?! BE MORE CAREFUL.

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HIGHLIGHT: He loved her dancing it up in her homemade PJs. D’awwwww. True love.

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PS this is the video that sparked the ’09 VMA’s “I’mma let you finish” disaster.

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2. Mine

Bow down to the Mine video because it gives us mommy Taylor for the first time and the result is a 19 year old who probably weighs 100 pounds soaking wet, with two sons almost as big as her.

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Anyway, this is a deeper song for Tay and also her first leading man that made me want to puke in my mouth a little due to his Spencer Pratt facial hair. He asks Taylor if she’d like to start off with a drink and she’s all “I’m ready to order” as she quickly envisions herself married to this waiter with two kids. Who hasn’t been there before, amirite?

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He’s really edgy because he wears black a lot and has tats, but like has a soft side too. Taylor thinks their first argument means he’s dumping her and basically packs up her stuff and peaces but he’s like hey I’ll never leave you alone! (Seems kind of like a threat..) And Taylor is like I knew you were going to be my husband ever since you remembered that I wanted an extra pickle with my cheeseburger.

HIGHLIGHT: The fierce delivery of “brace myself for the…

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1. 22

22 takes the top spot because it is the epitome of the slumber party music video that every female has ever wanted, and probably most have tried to create on VHS but then quickly realized we weren’t a bunch of superstars with a production budget, we were all wearing hand-me-down pajamas in someone’s basement wishing we were 16. Taylor’s squad crushes ladies night though, as to be expected. They cram beaching, eating cake, dancing, trampoline playtime and partying all into one night, because it feels like the perfect night to do it, obviously.

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From the heart shaped sunglasses to TSwizz rolling up to a party in sparkles and immediately hitting the table to show off her Darrin’s dance grooves, this video is one big game of dress up fun. It makes everyone want to call up their BFFs for a wild night of being 22 with no responsibilities forever. Since I was 22 when this song/music video came out obviously it was written about me and my life and then suddenly I was 23 and hearing this song made me remember dancing to it at a bar in college and want to cry. And here we are at 24, watching YouTube and getting jelly of a girl who wears cat ears (sold at Claire’s) to a house party. BUT WHATEVER GUYS, cause I’m just happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. AND IT’S MISERABLE AND MAGICAL OH, YEAH.

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HIGHLIGHT: Gangster T-Sweezy. Biiiiiitch you don’t know MY LIFE.

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Surprise Curveball Bonus: Everything Has Changed

Bet you weren’t expecting me to throw the one music video that’s all kids into the mix, well GOTCHA. It’s no secret that I have a love affair with the entire Red album, so naturally the song is boss (also Ed Sheeran <3) but the video is actually really precious with Ed and Taylor Jr becoming BFF’s/couple of the year. While all the other kids are being assholes (that music class scene is the reason I’m never letting a child ruin my vagina) preschool Ed is serenading preschool Taylor and reading her excerpts from The Notebook.

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I could’ve done without the drawing on their faces thing because it brings back babysitting nightmares of having to ban coloring because every writing utensil went in and around the mouth or nose. Ick. But overall this one tugged at my heartstrings and also gave me another glimpse at Mommy Taylor and that just makes me lawl, always.

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HIGHLIGHT: 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

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In the spirit of doing whatever it takes to fill two hours, the program starts off with a preview (possibly an entire episode?) of Bachelor in Paradise followed by a recap of what happened this season. Hey, we’ve been watching this show for far too many weeks, WE GOT IT. No need for a highlight reel. Know what else there’s no need for? Every guy who ever sniffed at Kaitlyn this season. Not only do we have the frontrunners who made it until the end (the only ones who really matter) ABC has also given the assholes another shot at their fifteen minutes of fame. Like Ian, who has stayed humble and hungry. And Ryan M. who has stayed creepy and apparently also styled his hair in what should forever be known as toupee chic. Let’s not forget about Kupah either, who will willingly throw his two cents in about things that happened AFTER he was kicked off that just enraged him.

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Check that hair though.

But before all that, Tanner the gossip queen takes the floor and the first shots at Ian. His gripe is that it was really mean when Ian called them all lames. Yeah they made fart jokes but they ALSO had deep convos, so HA. Tanner demands that Ian apologize to Kaitlyn and then Corey…oh, who is that you ask? Let me remind you…

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The dad apparently feels a need to seize these precious last moments in front of a camera and delivers this zinger, “I don’t think that she took the responsibility of being the bachelorette the best that she could.” To be clear, no one asked him. Ian responds to all of this by taking his jacket off and getting down on bended knee in front of the glaring bros to say he regrets what he said, how he left and apologizes to the guys, everyone who was offended and his mother for being a real dick on national television, because that’s just not who he is. HE’S A MODEL WHO DEFIED DEATH AND HAS BEEN AROUND THE WORLD A FEW TIMES, DAMNIT. JK he lays it on thick and the contesticles eat that shit right up giving him the classic handshake, clap on the back for his clearly souped up apology. Cut to Chris Harrison, the one man show going HA-HA you just never know what you’re gonna get, folks as he flashes his gleaming white smile and points a finger gun. STAY TUNED FOR THE GAY RELATIONSHIP WE FABRICATED WITH EDITING….Up NEXT.

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Corey is first to comment on the Clay-J sitch, because his opinion is vital to my life. He’s mad at Clint for being arrogant and making everyone feel alienated. Clint sets the record straight, if you know what I mean. Apparently, JJ just reminded him of a friend back home so that’s why they liked to play tummy sticks. JJ hops in and uses a lot of air quotes when describing the “bromance” but when Chris Harrison calls him out for using the quotes, JJ fires back with maybe if this show didn’t splice clips together and use romantic music and taglines turning my friendship into a gay porn, there wouldn’t be a need for them. I may be paraphrasing there. He might’ve just said “You tell me, Chris.” I was ready to be all Team JJ until he said this, “We’re intellectually curious about each other. There was a lot of meat to that for me.” Nope, you’re now playing into Clay-J and therefore I’m firmly Team When Will This Show End. Later on in the hot seat, JJ tells C.Harrison that he really “blew it” his last night with Clint and the peanut gallery of bros erupts into laughter. You can’t even script this shit. Just kidding–you can–and they did.

Benzy comes in to take things down a notch or 100 when we relive the story of how his mom died and talk about how he had his walls up. But don’t worry, he’s come out with a positive outlook and learned from his journey that you can open up about all your feels. Don’t cry because it’s over, Benzy, smile because it happened. JK he still hasn’t cried, maybe someday those babe soda tears will roll down his brooding face. Chris rubs his hands together in anticipation as he says, there’s nothing wrong with a good cry. LET IT OUT. I assume C. Harrison is about to play the beginning montage from the movie Up before producers are like ok, enough we need to move on, man tears or not.

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Chris basically invited Jared onstage to force words into that poorly goatee’d mouth of his. C. Harrison’s line of questioning includes, Did you think you were the odd man out in that rose ceremony? But you loved the girl, right? But like when you watch it back you probably get more confused about why you were sent home right? Jared keeps it diplomatic and just repeats that he’s thankful for his journey and he listens to “Linger” on repeat via his walkman while he sobs in his room all day erreday.

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Sweet, sweet boring buttercup Ben H. walks to the stage and there’s not a dry seat in the house judging by the screeches and howls from the all-ladiez crowd. Ben is a perfect gentleman as he obviously is vying for the Bachelor slot and will probably win it according to audience reactions. Snooze. Finally, we get some BTS deets on the infamous off camera visit. Ben and Shawn were roomies in San Antonio, Shawn got a king bed and Ben got a cot, ’cause Shawn’s abs. Kaitlyn put an invisibility cloak on and snuck into their room where the threesome spent 3 hours talking about life, Kaitlyn and Shawn in the King and Ben essentially on the ground…a foreshadowing. But then, Ben had to shower and womp womp, the rest is history. All it took was those extra two minutes while Ben was conditioning for Kaitlyn to tell Shawn he was the one and seal his fate. Ben probably curses his shiny hair to this day.

Finally our turtledove-in-waiting steps into the hot seat for a little popcorn reading of her hate tweets ever since she had sex on TV. Oh shit, sorry I didn’t mean to give out any spoilers guys, did you hear that Kaitlyn had sex on TV and it’s controversial only because it happened before fantasy suites? Anyway, they read some tweets from people who hate themselves but don’t give out their names which is kind of counter-productive. If we’re going to shame people for being terrible humans, midas whale give out their very public Twitter handle so the internet can bully them for being bullies. That’s how it works, right? Seems like a missed opportunity. Anyway after some tears and golden reaction shots from the audience about fat unemployed people who tweet death threats from their mom’s basement, it’s time for the guys to settle up with Kaitlyn.

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It goes something like this: Kaitlyn talks to Jared and tells him he’s great. Then Kaitlyn talks to Ben H. and tells him he looks great. Everything is SO great. I’m about to doze off in my bowl of ice cream when suddenly, fiery Kaitlyn makes an appearance and I’m ALL IN. Jonathan…this guy:

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tells Kaitlyn it hurt his feelings when she brought Nick on board after looking 25 guys in the eye and saying her husband was in that room the first night. Kaitlyn doesn’t miss a beat and is all I’mma let you finish but didn’t you vote for Britt?

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Corey wants to add something about Nick as well and I literally wish everyone would just look at him and say in unison,

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Ryan M. gets to take his horned up toupee head and march down to Kaitlyn to give her the rose that he spiked off of the ground when he was kicked off for being a drunk asshole who slapped her ass and yelled about raping people. Ah, what a joy it is to have him back on my TV. Ian also does a 2.0 of his knee level apology, except whoopsie he gets a leg cramp and immediately has to stand up. It’s probably a residual injury from his near death experience but I’m surprised he doesn’t tell us. Either way, Kaitlyn responds to both of these morons with

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Last and certainly least, we get a blooper reel of Kaitlyn screeching about birds and the only thing that saves it: more Amy Schumer shitting on JJ. How they ever cut any of her material from this turd of a season is beyond me. Afterward, Joe puts on a bird mask and runs at Kaitlyn who promptly screams and runs then is like well the joke’s on you I’m actually afraid of the flapping noise. Ok, then why did you just shit your pants at a grown man with a bird mask on? Smooth.

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So all that happened and yet we DIDN’T get what we truly deserved and that’s obviously Cupcake addressing the Niagara Falls and hiccups that came roaring from his precious Ken doll face while he leaned over the Cliffs of Moher, hoping someone would give him a soft push.

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And finally, I really could’ve used an awkward Brady and Britt reunion post-breakup after they dated for a week and wore matching beanies to the beach and talked about how they were soul mates who were together to fill that awkward gap while the credits rolled.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/13/15

1. Louis Tomlinson of One Direction put his 1D into a girl sans condom, thus leading to baby. 

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This year has been a real trying time for One Direction fans with Zayn peacing and now it’s been announced that Louis will become babydaddy to a stylist in LA. I think my favorite part is the fact that someone was legitimately quoted as saying “It was a surprise at first but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”(via People) Oh, really? They also wanted to reassure everyone that Briana is not a crazy fan girl for One Direction by pointing out that she just went to her first 1D concert recently. So I’m assuming Louis threw her some free tix and a backstage pass once he found out she was growing his baby inside of her. What a guy. Quick side rant: If you’re that famous and presumably bedding that many chicks, MAYBE MIX IN A CONDOM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

2. Sisters looks bomb.com. The first peek at the latest Amy Poehler and Tina Fey movie came out this week and I think I speak for everyone who likes to laugh that this will be appointment movie date. PLUS Ike Barinholtz is in it and Maya Rudolph so it’s pretty much guaranteed to be goof city.

3. Jennie Garth had a Pinterest wedding. For all you fairy hipsters out there, Jennie Garth threw a backyard wedding complete with lanterns and antique shit hanging all around and a very non-traditional dress, that I actually kinda dig. You go girl, find your Dylan.

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4. Emmy Noms are in. Shout out to Taraji P. Henson for snagging a Lead Actress in a Drama nom for Cookie in Empire because she is FIERCE and deserves to take home the W. Also Amy Schumer is having A year-her variety show on Comedy Central was nominated. For full list, click here.

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5. ESPY’s Highlights. The ESPY’s were on Wednesday night and Joel McHale had a pretty great monologue that started off with a bang as Victor Espinoza hopped up onto his back and rode him onto the stage.

Other highlights included this:

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Yikes Hannah, no shout out, almost seemed like he thought about doing it then was like WHOA just kidding and caught himself mid-sentence so tried to cover it up by thanking his friends again. Here’s to you Hannah, you’re such a great FRIEND. Also a little awk that the guy who legitimately refused to wear a Yankees hat in Gone Girl would present this award to the greatest Yankee of all time but I also won’t dispute any extra camera time with Ben.

and this:

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Dayyyyyuuumnnnnn. But like…where’s Riggs?

BONUS: It’s Luke Bryan’s BDAY. He’s super old today, but that’s not what matters, what matters is that he keeps doing this:

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Television

Dawson’s Creek Top Embarrassing Moments

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The celebratory day has come where they’ve thrown Dawson’s Creek into syndication in hopes of a revival of new fans pleading for a reunion. Unfortunately since I do not have a TV in my cubicle, I can’t enjoy the return to the Creek, which has caused me to consider quitting my job just for a daily episode of Dawson’s. I’m sure my boss would understand. Anyway, as I was brainstorming different blogs I could write in commemoration of a show so good that I blew through the first three seasons while living in a different country (some choose to immerse themselves in the foreign culture, I chose to immerse myself in Capeside), the moments I kept recalling were those that gave me the cringes. The times when the characters-mostly Joey and Dawson, the two most insufferable TV leads in history-did something that made me want to cover my eyes and hide from the screen. I think these times are what sums up Dawson’s best as the pinnacle teen drama and so without further ado, all the cringes in the world.

Beginning rightfully so, with the worst theme song to ever exist…take it away yodeler crooning about hearts and arrows and sunsets:

Paula Cole was ROBBED.

Dawson asks his dad how to kiss

There are two REAL icky parts to this scene. First of all, Dawson legitimately asks his dad what the technique is for kissing which ensues in a show and tell of him macking a Joey mannequin head. His dad pointing to his lip and telling Dawson to keep it loose and relaxed made me almost upchuck. Second, Joey peeping Tom’s the whole thing from the upstairs balcony with her shirt wide open over a bikini top. WHAT?! I’m also almost positive that she needs a change of undies after watching Dawson tongue her replica head. See: last picture.

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If you’re bold enough and aren’t worried about losing the contents of your stomach watch the scene here from 8:32-12:00:

Everyone talks obsessively about sex, but no one actually has it

Dawson’s little chatski with his dad about smooching begins because he’s wondering where his camera is and Dawson’s dad is like oh it’s in the bedroom where your mom and I just filmed a sex tape, please leave that behind when you take your camera back. Which leads me right to the casual sex conversations that occur every episode, yet there’s almost NO actual sex. Thank God for Jen because she brings a little spice to the show but obviously she’s labeled as a real NYC whorebag. Joey holds onto her V-card until season 4 with Pacey then pretty much never has sex again, Dawson spends his entire existence crying about being the virg but turns down sex from several ladies just so he can whine more. Remembs slutty Eve?! Anyway, don’t expect any ‘tration in the Creek unless it has been dissected verbally for years beforehand.

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Jack poses nude for Joey

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Jack still thinks he’s a straight and pursues naïve little Joey who is trying to be really artistic. Jack poses nude for her because they’re SO adult (16?) and uh oh, they start chit chatting about sex and he pops a boner mid-sesh. I wonder if Joey sketched that in to be true to her art? Nope, it turns out she went for the carefully positioned leg to cover up that sitch. Anyway, moral of the story is that Jack compares sex to Starry Night, and also he’s afraid of it.

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Andie and Dawson sing the blues

Dawson is all wah wah over Joey (what’s new?) and Andie has a shitty home life so they decide to get buzzed and hit the stage at a blues club to embarrass themselves and me, as well. Dawson singing about Jack being gay, Andie using a tacky “blues” (can we call it that?) accent and reminding us her name is Andie. AGH. Someone box my ears.

Joey sings ALL.THE.TIME

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Joey Potter SUCKS at singing, and yet we are forced to watch her take the stage SEVERAL times throughout the series. I’m really not sure why they kept trying to make Joey the songstress happen but my ears forever wished it would stop. First we had a little talent contest where she takes on a braodway song with her baby bird whiny voice, then there’s karaoke and finally in her college years, Joey is like why not join a rock band, amirite? Her singing is better this time around…was she drunk? Was I drunk? There’s no way to really tell but better still sucks and finally by the last season she had retired the mic—but the damage had already been done. Memories of her shrill voice and gyrations will cloud my brain until the day I die.

Dawson drops out of film class and redecorates his room.

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Butthurt over someone else being good at making movies, Dawson drops the class to “step away and recharge his batteries” like this is has been his career for 20 years and not just a HIGH SCHOOL CLASS. In the wake of reinventing himself as someone whose not a loser, he decides to clear his walls of movie posters and hang John Lennon’s “Imagine” poster, making him an even bigger loser. Not dramats at all, Dawson.

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Joey hates alcohol but loves bucket hats

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Good ole Josephine Potter is dating AJ the college boy, thus allowing her to act like she’s eons above high school morons except SHE CAN’T EVEN DRIVE YET. Since her boy chose studying over a Valentine’s date, she’s forced to tag along with Dawson and Pacey to a field party. Joey obviously shits all over drinking and says it’s for the scum of the earth then ends up attending the party WEARING A BUCKET HAT…in the middle of winter…in Massachusetts. What a party animal.

Watch beginning to 2:07 for full effect of dialogue suited for PhD students and not 16 year olds.

Dawson’s cry face

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I mean…for obvious reasons this is the top cringeworthy moment for this show and probably all of television for how much gif play it gets on the internet to this day. The most hideous of cry faces and it’s all over a girl not choosing him. Pls drown yourself in your tears, Dawson.

4:00 mark should do it.

Pacey and Joey do story time on True Love

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Coming back from a summer sharing a boat called “True Love” to the rumors of did they or didn’t they bone is a pretty typical thing for a high school couple. Since we all know Joey is a real square and Pacey lost his V to a teacher like a BAMF, there was cause for believing nothing actually happened. As they whine about it the whole episode, finally we get our redemption when Joey says, “Hey Pace, can we do that thing we do sometimes?” Obviously we all rub our hands together in anticipation for a little rocking of the boat. NOPE. We find out that they’ve spent the past few months popcorn reading in bunked hammocks while holding hands. Boner. Kill.

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Start at 40:25:

Dawson’s dad dies eating an ice cream cone.

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I understand that every dramatic show needs to kill off a supporting character once in a while to shake things up so I’m not mad they killed off Mitch because Dawson needed to man up and have a real tragedy occur in his life to show him that getting rejected from NYU wasn’t the end of the world…but COME ON…happy-go-lucky Mitch doing a car solo to “Drift Away” while enjoying an ice cold snack and then reaching down for a little floor ice cream only to swerve to his death…IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY? Mitch deserved more than death by frozen treat.

Jen snags Dawson’s V.

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Yikes, Jen. Not a good look. No girl ever wants to be the one to snatch up a guy’s V card and you willingly do it for the WHINEST, CLINGIEST guy who has always been in love with your friend? Woof. Generally Jen is a real badass in the series and therefore deserves much more fist bumps than she does cringes, but this is one I couldn’t give her the knucks for. Related but also kind of unrelated: the winter PJ’s set. SEXY.

Pacey’s goatee

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Ick. This thing was atrocious and I commend the fact that most of the characters agreed with me. Pacey’s goatee got a lot of chirping, as it should have, and finally Joey got to shave it off him in the least sexy scene of all time that somehow led to their romantic reunion. Shaving is an aphrodisiac apparently.

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Jen’s Bangs

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Ok, I promised I wouldn’t harp on Jen that much because she was pretty cool but like I will not go quietly into the night about season 6’s bangs atrocity. These weren’t just bangs, these were I accidentally got drunk and was near scissors, bangs. What makes it worse is that things finally start to go swell for Jen’s love life with CJ the total dreamboat and yet her forehead mustache stays intact. WHY.

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Relive all these cringes and more on ABC Family at Noon, M-F. Play us out, Paula!

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

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I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode because I had after work adult beverages and then made the executive decision to go grocery shopping while buzzed. It was not a decision I recommend anyone else make. I ran over my own foot with the grocery cart and bought a frozen pizza that I later burnt my tongue on. Needless to say it’s for the best that I don’t drink on school nights. I arrived back home just in the nick of time to catch Ben wearing the SHIT out of a cream Irish knit sweater. Yum. Anyway, Ben and Kaitlyn are exploring the majestic Irish countryside because it seems that production has made some travel budget cuts this year and the cast is stranded in Ireland until they can save up enough to fly coach to their next location. Ben tells Kaitlyn about how he just turned 26 on the show, in a way someone brings up their birthday to make the other person feel shitty for not knowing. Kaitlyn is 30 so like rawr, cougar status. But Ben is all, age is just a number, it doesn’t make one bit of a difference, which is something that someone who is much younger can say, because they still have their youth and nothing to be bitter about. Ben is invited to stay the night in the fantasy castle suite and immediately issues a castle-wide boner kill when he gleefully shouts “best.sleepover.ever.” as visions of braiding each other’s hair and sneaking an R rated movie dance around his head.

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I’m assuming that’s what they do as Kaitlyn reveals in the morning that she only got a half hour of sleep, you know, cause they were pullin pullin pullin an all-nighter. Ben’s best sleepover ever couldn’t be complete without him borrowing a pair of Kaitlyn’s capri sweats for the walk of shame, shame being the key word here. All I’m thinking is…

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Hey guys, remember Shawn, my former favorite who doesn’t know what show he’s on? Kaitlyn gifts him with a hot pink polo because they will be golfing for their date. Kaitlyn’s efforts to make him look like a loser fail horribly because Shawn can pull off ANY color and look fabulous. Unfortunately he quickly ruins my drool sesh by using golf as a shitty metaphor for love. He muses, “Golf is like love because the goal is to get a hole in one”….or something along those lines. Since they both suck at golf, the day quickly spirals to a game of Truth or Dare because I guess this week’s theme is middle school. Shawn picks dare because, duh and he’s dared to strip down and golf in the nude. He takes off his pants to reveal he’s wearing as he called them “compression leggings” and as America calls them, long johns. Shawn leaves his socks on because he’s a gentleman, and there IS a strict golf course dress code. The point being, Shawn gets a SIZEABLE black box. Amirite, ladies? Bless your dirty birdie soul, Kaitlyn.

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Later at dinner, Kaitlyn brings up why the hell Shawn always gets his ankle-length undies in a twist over Nick. Shawn gets REAL fired up and compares Nick to a thirteen year old girl for spreading rumors. This leads to Kaitlyn giving Shawn the key to the fantasy suite, so that they can stay up all night and talk shit about Nick and maybe also prank call him. The morning after, Shawn struts out of the suite, right into Nick’s waiting clutches. “Oh sup, Shawn, fancy running into you here, can I steal you away for a minute?”-Nick asks. They sit down and shout words at each other. The end. I don’t want to watch one more minute of these two fighting like baby bitches and therefore refuse to recap it.

Kaitlyn puts on a sexy cleavage-baring red dress to sit down with Chris Harrison and talk boyz. Obviously this decision is going to be very DIFFICULT and PAINFUL, which is why after her intro rose speech, Kaitlyn needs a minute to properly wah. The decision is made that it will be Nick vs. Shawn in the bottom two, as if it could ever be any other way. Ben remains unlovable. JK. Call me, Ben ;). After Kaitlyn departs, they leave the remaining two locked in the room together with alcohol to see who makes it out alive. They both stuff their hands in their pockets and stare at the wall.

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FINALLY the stay in Ireland is over and it’s off to Utah for both hometown visits. Wait. Did I hear that correctly? Yes. This show has shit on all traditions and instead brought the two families to meet Kaitlyn in the exotic locale of Utah. Nick is first and he blubbers to Kaitlyn that he loves her and apparently with Andi it would’ve been a leap of faith but this time he’s tote sure that this is it. Ok, Nick. Meanwhile, Nick’s TLC reality show sized family is assembled in a room crying together because they just learned that Nick has died a horrific death whoops, I mean they’re scared Nick’s going to get his heart stomped out on national TV again.

Kaitlyn meets Nick’s 100 siblings, vows to never remember any of their names again and announces that Nick has made it to the bottom two. Their reactions are an Oscar-worthy collective performance of YIIIIKES–he’s screwed! Things apparently go swimmingly enough after that because Nick and Kaitlyn do the “Carlton” in the middle of the family circle. WHAT? Nick’s sis Maria must have similar sentiments because she then takes Kaitlyn aside to ask WTF is going on here. Kaitlyn passes the test with flying colors then later tells a couch full of Nick’s brothers, “I’ve spent a lot of time with Nick and we really bonded.” They’re clearly picking up what she’s putting down, if you catch my drift. Finally, the smallest child in the Viall family, Bella comes in for the hard-hitting questions, to ask about Canada’s geography. Bella’s clearly not here for the right reasons.

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Nick has a heart to heart with his mom where he reveals that Kaitlyn’s really good at making out. A suuuupes normal thing for a 34 year old to gab about with his mom. Then he reassures his worried mother that this time around is SO different than last year. Cause like last year Nick was so confident and this year he knows better. Then adds that he’s really confident and Kaitlyn definitely loves him. Lesson learned, Nicky V.

Next up is meeting the two Gods that created the slobberworthy specimen that is Shawn and his fellow genetic lottery winning siblings. Shawn has a lot of sisters and warns Kaitlyn that they’ll be tough and Kaitlyn is like no worries, sisters are my JAM. Well you know what’s NOT my jam? Shawn does NOT have an equally attractive brother for me. I’m so disappointed. Also fun fact: his sisters look NOTHING like him. Dark hair for days. Shawn talked a big game about how hard his sisters will judge and the minute they get one on one time with Kaitlyn they’re like love you to pieces, girlfran, welcome to the fam!!!! As the sisters act like putty in Kaitlyn’s hands, Papa Booth is like ok, Shawn, what’s the deal with all these shenanigans. Shawn is quick to tell dad, “well she told me I’m the one off camera soooo”…..BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER EVER HEAR THE END OF THAT. Like ever. In our final moments, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up on the couch and Shawn bumbles on that he has something to tell her, he’s not falling in love with her…cause he’s IN love with her. GOOD ONE, SHAWN. You prankster, you. Then Kaitlyn goes outside to stare at the mountains and cry about picking just one.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2K15

Although technically summer started a few weeks ago, I present to you, this year’s Summer PALOOZA! Every year since roughly 2007, my sister and I would fire up the Limewire on our shared desktop computer and download our favorite current pop songs for a banging summer windows down jam mix. The summer palooza tradish hit a little snafu in 2013 when we had some difficulty agreeing on songs, had to make a 2.0 halfway through the summer and then 2014 we didn’t make one at all. We’ll refer to that as the year that summer never came. Anyway, IT’S BACK BITCHES and as the sis and I gathered round our laptops on 4th of July weekend, bickered over songs and hand-picked this mix like a couple of losers who were totally not about to watch the movie The Duff, I decided that this should be shared with the world. Happy Summer!

  1. Worth It- Fifth Harmony Ft. Kid Ink. A sucker for a good trumpet interlude, this was a given and a phenomenal way to set the tone of the summer.
  2. Gold In The Summertime- Matt Nathanson. We love our boy Matty, a love that has stemmed from my oldest sister being his numba 1 fan and resulted in all of us meeting him last summer for a quick Giantomasi family photo shoot. Plus it’s rare these days to find an actual summer themed song so this new release from him was necessary to include.IMG_3543
  3. Kick the Dust Up- Luke Bryan. Luke, my favorite backwards hat-tight v-neck wearin country piece of man meat is back to gyrate those hips like there’s no tomorrow with this one. FINALLY. I’ve waited far too long for another upbeat smash from Lukey and this one delivers. My friend Lindsey pointed out to me that she cringes every time he sings “let’s tear it up up” and I couldn’t agree more. I love the song but it kills me that he couldn’t have a quick round robin with the writers to find another word that rhymes with up. Then I see him turn that hat backwards and all is forgiven.
  4. Bad Girls- MKTO. MKTO is fire flames hot. They only put out hits and this is obviously no different. These two goons have a little bad girl fetish and I respect that about them. The first step is admitting you have problem. Also bonus points for the “MKT-007” line in the rap break. So smooth.
  5. House Party- Sam Hunt. Full disclosure this was a song that my sister and I had quite a tiff about. She was adamant about including it and I was adamant about enforcing the “new songs only” rule. I did a little research (right clicked the song in iTunes) and saw that this song was downloaded in November AKA it belongs on Thanksgiving Palooza, not summer palooza. Unfortunately, she won this round because it’s kind of a song that never gets old and Sam is a smoke so we’ll let it slide.
  6. Nobody Love- Tori Kelly. Tori is the TRUTH. When she casually opens wide and wails a high note for like 30 seconds in the middle of the song? Holy crap. Chillz. Plus this song is so sassy it makes me want to snap and also simultaneously break-dance in the streets. I won’t…but I want to.
  7. Lose My Mind- Brett Eldredge. Ah, Brett…YOU make me lose my mind every time I look into those baby blues. Seriously, can the walls close in when I’m stuck in a padded room with you? What were we talking about? Oh yeah, this song is good because it’s Brett and everything he does is bomb.com.
  8. Honey, I’m Good- Andy Grammer. One time I met Andy Grammer’s talent manager when I was in Italy, hammered. Apparently he found him singing on the streets and was like YA GONNA BE A STAR. Anyway, now Andy IS a star because he puts out catchy AF tunes like this one. I keep getting ready for this song to annoy me and we’re just not there yet.
  9. Worse Things Than Love- Timeflies Ft. Natalie La Rose. Cal from Timeflies is best known for his mashups and ability to freestyle rap like nobody’s biz, also he’s like, really pretty. Rez is his beat master and partner in crime. This is a brand new original song from them that I can’t get enough of. Check out Timeflies Tuesday on YouTube if you dig this song.
  10. Broke- Jason Derulo Ft. Stevie Wonder & Keith Urban. No words needed for how much I slobber over every song from Jason “I only make bangerz” Derulo. This is off of his new album that is obviously phenomenal. J’s over the gold diggers and spits the truth about mo money mo problems; he also casually throws it over to Stevie Wonder for a quick sax solo (sold.)
  11. Crash and Burn- Thomas Rhett. This little nugget has been a dark horse in the country game lately…I feel like he’s been cranking out hits the past couple of years and I love it a whole lot. Don’t know one single word to this song but that’s why we put it on the palooza, so that by August, when I’ve listened to it no less than 200 times, I have also taught myself all the words to perform solos at the stoplight.
  12. Good Thing- Sage the Gemini Ft. Nick Jonas. Absolutely no clue who Sage is, which is pretty embarrassing for him because he starts out the song with “they already know me, S-A-G-E.” First step is confidence, I guess, but Sage, nobody knows you. EVERYBODY knows Nick Jonas though and he steals the spotlight on this one. Sing that hook, baby face. Then flash me the abs.
  13. Brother- Needtobreathe Ft. Gavin DeGraw. Here’s a quick gospel insert for the summer. It’s our boy Gav, a tasty piano lick, and a nice uplifting group sing-along. Raise your arms up and sway with those windows down (only if you’re the passenger.)
  14. Wrapped Up- Olly Murs Ft. Travie McCoy. Membs Travie McCoy from Gym Class Heroes? This Bruno Mars sounding beat brings back Travie along with Olly my British crush foreva. It’s fun and infectious in case you were having too many feels from the last song.
  15. Parking Brake- Dan + Shay. We can always count on some country singers to put out a summer themed song (the very reason I can’t listen to country music during the miserable northeast winter.) These two cuties croon about macking it up in the car, summer style. Cutoffs, sweet tea, red lips, trucks and the river…they cover all the essential southern bases.
  16. I Don’t Mind- Usher ft. Juicy J. Again, we have a winter release song, but guess what? Usher sexily serenading about letting his girl be a stripper because it means she’s bringing in her own income while Juicy J shouts stuff in the background will NEVER get old. SHE HERE, SHE HERE! Now go make that money, money, money grl and make your man proud.
  17. Anything Goes- Florida Georgia Line. FGL basically only make summer songs because there can only be one season when you wear open vests 24/7. Duhs. This is their latest and it’s a typical FGL barn yard hootenanny of red solo cups full of liquor and dancing by the river…Fri-YAY.
  18. Bad Blood- Taylor Swift. This was a bit of a tussle because I’m a very diehard Swiftie and the sis is a very country T.Swift ONLY fan, so when I politely asked if I could include a jam from 1989 since I was very gracious with any song that she wanted, she had to approve the one I chose. It’s safe to say she hated every single song I played for her. We agreed to settle on this one, no remix style (I’m not buying the same song again…) FTR, Blank Space over everything….I got a hard pass from my co-mix producer though. BANDAIDS DON’T FIX BULLET HOLES, SNIFFLES.
  19. White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. When we made the first palooooza, this song was current and we loved it so hard that it earned the closing spot on every year’s mix, no matter how old it gets. I think we can always relate to mah gurl Ness losing her V in the backseat of a car at summer camp. Plus…”The summer’s all in bloom, the summer’s ending soon.” Such a poignant way to close. (That may or may not have been an AIM profile staple every.single.summer.)
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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/6/15

1. The Royal Family is adorbs city. We’ve got some new pics from little nugget Charlotte’s christening and I’m not kidding when I say that these two kids are the cutest little smushes that side of the pond. Frame this, screenshot it, whatever…it’s the rarest of things to ever see me talk about a child, let alone admit that it’s cute. I stand by this statement though.

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2. J.Law goes all Cher. Zany Jennifer Lawrence everybody’s goofy celeb favorite is back in the press for promoting the final(?) Hunger Games and she’s obviously acting like a real goober. Here’s her busting out into a little Cher with her HAWT BFFs/Costars on Conan.

3. Harry Styles fell onstage. I’m putting this in the mix because falling, much like farting, WILL ALWAYS BE FUNNY. Call me immature (I obviously am) but a good tumble will always put a smile on my face. So much so, in fact, that I had a SUUUUPER embarrassing fall up the steps coming from the train this past winter while wearing a skirt and tights and uggs (Uggs are the silent killer…seriously they should put a warning on those bad boys that they’re trip hazard city when you buy them) anyway back to my cringeworthy fall, I tripped over my Uggs on one step then tried to catch myself and tripped again and basically ended up crawling up the rest of the steps because my legs were like we’ve forgotten how to function please pick up the slack here. There were probably one trillion witnesses behind me but I pulled it together and never looked back. However, every time I think of that fall I laugh out loud. So long story short, I feel you, Harry. The fall that leads to an even bigger fall is the real deal. Now let me make fun of you.

4. Kristin “STE-VHENNNN” Cavallari is having a girl. Kristin and Jay Cutler are on their third kid and this piece of juice is really just for my ‘Guna shippers because did we EVER predict that the black choker wearin’, “my car is DUNZO” shoutin’, Cabo pole dancin’ sloot from Laguna would be the organic obsessed mommy that she is today? Like this is completely a shock, right? Anyway, she’s cranking out a girl this time which I’m guessing she’s probably pretty excited for after two boys but also she’s going to have 3 kids under the age of 4 and that sounds like a NIGHTMARE. Congrats, though girlfraaan.

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5. Fox casts Danny Zuko for Grease LIVE! 

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Julianne Hough has already been cast for Sandy and now they’ve announced our Danny will be Aaron Tveit and I’m honestly not quite so sure how I feel about it. John Travolta was a real hunk as Danny Zuko…like probably my first crush, which is super mortifying to admit now that he’s got scary face but he could get it when he was in that leather jacket. I’ll need some convincing with this guy and also I will probably never ever watch this program because musicals suck unless they include Zac Efron singing about whether he should choose basketball or acting. Life is so hard, especially when you have to break into song randomly.

BONUS: Because I love Amy Schumer a whole lot and can’t wait to see Trainwreck…Here’s John Hamm pretending to be Bill Hader and the two of them just acting like a couple of assholes in an interview.

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Pop Culture

An Ode to Sophia Bush

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Great news everybody, it’s Sophia Bush’s birthday today, which gives me an excuse to be a giant creep like I was when I posted an entire blog dedicated to Blake Lively. My girl crushes deserve only the best on The Salty Ju. Here are a few of the many times Sophia had the perfect Instagram and made me want her life.

She selfies so hard. When I selfie, I have a double chin and make a stupid face. When she selfies, she does it with A-List stars and looks like a dime. You’ll notice she selfies it up a lot with Olivia Benson. #GirlCopPower

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#GratiTuesday I'm thankful for these two ladies and the example they set through their fierce dedication to the @BTWFoundation. And I'm thankful that I wrapped on set in time to make it to their @soulcycle fundraiser ride tonight!! All the men and women who showed up put their money where their mouth is, literally, to raise funds and show support for people who are struggling out there. To talk about mental health, equality, and more. We rode like mad, laughed a lot, cried a little, and even jumped off the bikes to have a mid-class a dance party. What an epic night. Doing good for the world is the most fun and rewarding thing you can do with your time, and tonight we proved it 🚲💥👯❤️ #BornThisWay #PawsUP #GagaHasTheBestSelfieGameInTheBis

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Sophia not only crushes human selfies, but she has clearly mastered the #Delfie (Dog Selfie…it’s a thing. Look it up.)

Soph recognizes that One Tree Hill was the best show of all time (this might be an exaggeration) and doesn’t disappoint with the cast reunion photos and throwbacks to B.Davis

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Basically the best.

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She worships at the Church of Bey

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Even though she’s BFF’s with Connie Britton, she understands that her hair is full of secrets.

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#Conniepalooza #nuffsaid 💛

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She was sassy AF as a child.

Sophia has the ability to make winter look glam instead of depressing and cold.

She’s a forest animal whisperer.

Can look chic climbing a literal mountain.

Invented “Mean Muggin”. (In addition to the air hashtag, obv.)

Understands what it’s like to have a girl crush, so totes won’t think this entire slobbering over her life is super weird, right?

Other than looking perfect all the time, Sophia actually happens to be an activist and does good things for the world so NBD but HBD she’s a real Bo$$. Follow her on insta for motivational quotes, music recommendations, fashion inspiration, and flawless pics. Duh.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

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Saaarrryyyy this is a day late. I did that thing where I pretended the 4th of July went through Monday and had a tough time coming back to real life. Anyway, back to the not real life of Kaitlyn Bristowe. Did you guys know that she had sex? I wasn’t sure if you heard about it or anything but spoiler alert, Kaitlyn let someone enter her pre-fantasy suite and we’re never going to hear the end of it. I wonder what it’s like to have the whole world talking about your vagina because you banged someone you were dating? Mull it over while I talk about other things, but WE WILL RETURN TO THIS TOPIC. Why? Because this show won’t let it go.

“Let’s Make Today Unforgettable”- Ben

ABC rented an island for the day so that two adults could play hide and seek. Just kitten, Ben suggesting they play hide and seek was cute AF. That’s my kinda guy right there (immature.) Ben says the role of husband means being attracted to his wife. Kaitlyn says a husband is someone who won’t leave her when she gets annoying. Both valid points. Ben fears that he is unlovable. This is not an exaggeration; this is a literal dumb sentence that fell out of his open mouth. Shh, Ben just keep looking pretty. Kaitlyn is like that’s so great that you told me you think nobody loves you because I maybe, might, possibly could be thinking about falling in love with you. I’m guessing she’s a little gun shy after telling Shawn he was the one and having him poop himself about it. Ben says overnights are not about sex and he can’t wait to just talk all night. YIKES. Kaitlyn obviously assumes he’s a virg because he’d rather have a gab sesh slumber party. She asks him outright and he says, girl, please.

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“Let’s Let Our Love Run Amuck”-Joe, Shawn, Nick

Say it with me now…

HocuspocusAMUCK

Shawn steals Kaitlyn to make up for lost time with his mouth. Then Kaitlyn asks Nick how he feels about the two of them having sex on TV before it’s ok to have sex on TV and he’s like I feel great, I don’t regret it at all and Kaitlyn is all yeah totally, me too, I was gonna say that…I just wanted to see what you were gonna say first. So apparently we’re all supposed to forget about the three weeks she cried and said it was a mistake or something.

Kaitlyn asks Joe if he’s ready marriage. He shows her he’s ready for it by coming at her face REAL quick with his eyes open for a smooch. (This will play out in my nightmares.) He then pours out all of his feels that he’s in love with her and will be frenching her until she’s 60. Slow your roll, Joe. Even though Joe’s shelf life was maximum another week, Kaitlyn gets all the uncomfies by him saying he loves her so she cuts him loose immediately. Joe handles it a WHOLE lot better than Cupcake. Instead of sobbing into a scarf and contemplating a hurdle to his death, he turns into a dick. He shakes off the sappies and tells Kaitlyn this was fun and when she tells him to stop acting tough he says, “nah it’s cool, no worries, man,” like his buddy just told him he accidentally drank his beer instead of totes getting his heart stomped on. It’s safe to say that I like Joe Cool 1000x better than the snoozefest we’ve seen this whole season. His bitter exit was the most entertaining thing to happen this episode.

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After Joe skates out without allowing the cameras to capture his last thoughts, which probably would’ve been “it’s whatever…it was fun until it wasn’t,” Nick is sent back to the house and Shawn gets more date time. Kaitlyn word vomits up her sex confession and tells Shawn that her and Nick went too far. He wants to know why she’s telling him at all and I’d like to know why she’s only telling him…oh wait, because he’s clearly the ONE. Never mind, she did take-backsies on telling him that. Indian giver. Shawn excuses himself to go to the bathroom so he can try to flush himself down the toilet and escape this situation. Nick wah-wah’s that he didn’t get more time while Shawn softly weeps in the “Gents” room of a seafood restaurant. Finally Shawn decides to man up and accept that lispy got to plow Kaitlyn’s fields first (or at all.) Other things that happened: The phrase “forgone conclushion” comes out of Nick’s mouth roughly 4 times for no particular reason while he continues to blubber to the others about how Shawn’s getting time instead of him. Also Shawn only refers to Nick as “the other guy” and I feel like he could’ve come up with a more dig-tastic nickname than that.

Rose Ceremony:

There is no cocktail party because Kaitlyn already knows whom she’s going to marry date for a couple of months at this point and the rest is just for ratings and dissection of her sex life.

Shawn is called first and has decided to choose this moment during the rose ceremony to ask why she picked Nick to have sexual relations with when she KNOWS Shawn hates him. Alright Shawn, you’ve exhausted your possessive passes for this season. I can’t stand by this anymore. Obviously Kaitlyn thinks he doesn’t trust her. Go figure. He still accepts the rose. So do Ben & Nick and I have a glorious time bidding farewell to Jared because I never have to fight the very strong urge to punch him square in the face ever again.

Fantasy Suite with Nick (What’s the point?)

They go to a cathedral but instead of engaging in foreplay again, they talk about Nick’s parents meeting in church. Nick admits he’s not religious but felt really guilty “the first time he touched his privates” HIS PRIVATES. ICK. Ugh. Woof. Vomit. Other than sounding like a real perv and making me want to puke, I just wish that Nick would STOP USING WORDS THAT END IN S. He also says he has “insecurities.” (Double S’s)

In a creepy jail in Cork, Nick says he doesn’t like Shawn because he doesn’t respect guys “who say they’re Eskimo brothers with a country singer because they F’ed the same girl in the same night.” To be clear he shares this unprompted and pretty off topic, ok, narc. Smooth way to work that into the conversation. Also not for nothing but Shawn’s insta is full of pics with Thomas Rhett, so I’m using my investigative skills to assume that’s his Eskimo brother. Seems pretty bragworthy, jus sayin. Anywho, Kaitlyn is like ok thanks for sharing, let’s get right to the penetration. No mics during relations this time, because it’s acceptable to have sex in the fantasy suite but not before then. Remember? The next morning they share ham while barely dressed. Kaitlyn has some interesting morning hair but her full face of makeup makes me believe she did not wake up like this.

Shawn vs. Nick

Shawn rolls up on Nick and his toggle wool sweater and the two bro fight and say they hate each other. There is nothing noteworthy about this exchange, and yet still it needed to be continued. Until next week, when this argument probably ends with “F U, bruh.”

P.S. Brady and Britt are still together but Brady is going back to Nashville because he might have to work or go home at some point. Britt is still wearing a knit cap because this span of their relationship was all shot in one day. Ok. Thank you for the 30-second update, good luck with your “long distance” relationship.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/29/15

1. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are crushing my dreams. Obviously, it is with a heavy heart that I relay to you the biggest piece of JUice from this week. One of my favorite celebrity couples (as seen in my Top Ten Celebrity Couples Blog, shameless plug) has decided to end their 10 year relationship and I think I am taking it harder than their own children are. The rumors were swirling for months but I refused to believe that garbage until finally the statement was released this week and I was forced to face the music. The most down to earth, cool, casj couple of Hollywood with three cute little nuggets are divorcing. I’m still mourning this and all that I ask is that you please respect my privacy during this difficult time. They asked the same, and obviously Hollywood has graciously backed off…Just kidding, they literally could not be MORE up in their shit.

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2. The Relationship Gods try to soothe my pain.

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As a beautiful couple is shattered, a new one is born, and that is the circle of life. It is rumored that True Detective co-stars Taylor Kitsch & Rachel McAdams are dating and I support this wholeheartedly. Rachel McAdams is my #2 les crush (after Blake Lively) and we all know what a special place Riggs holds in my heart. Even though I will probably never be over the dismantling of Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams, Riggins is a WORTHY runner up to Gosling and I can only hope that they procreate. Also if this rumor ISN’T true, I will probably cry myself to sleep, nbd but HBD.

3. The OC is going to be a musical. Obviously The OC was a top notch show but quick thought…do we REALLY want a fabulous show with all it’s sarcastic and beautiful california people glory to be reincarnated in song? The answer of course, is no. I hope that this idea is squashed right quick but unfortunately I don’t think it will be…considering Autumn Reeser AKA Taylor AKA Coop’s replacement for Ryan will be playing Julie Cooper in musical form.

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4. Vanessa Bayer crushes a Rachel Green impression. Vanessa apparently is trying some new material, her impressions of everyone else on Friends were subpar but the Rachel Green was creepy accurate. This is for all the Friends superfans out there who yearn for a reunion, maybe Vanessa can do a one woman show if she works on her other characters a bit.

5. In the land of sequels, My Big Fat Greek Wedding makes its 2.0. And here’s a sneak peek of what to expect:

The first film was made 13 years ago…maybe we shouldn’t have waited so long for the sequel? Joey Fatone, YIKES. On the other hand…we’re going to get a little bit of this…which I always support:

In honor of America’s birthday…

A musical snack for your ears while you stuff your face with wieners, watermelon, pasta salad and Budweiser (just me? Oh ok..)-

Happy 4th! ‘MURRRICA.

magic-mike_510

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