JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/4/16

HEY GUYS. Welcome to 2016. I took two weeks off from the JUice to properly shove Christmas cookies down my gullet and lay around in my PJs. ‘Cause that’s what the holidays are all about. You know what the holidays are NOT about? Having your family fat shame you and then suggest a weight loss competition. Thanks for ruining Christmas, G Family. Anyway, we’re back and better than ever exactly the same. New year, same Salty, yo.

1. Barstool is taking over the world, as they should.

I’ve been reading Barstool Sports since I was in high school (shout out to the bro-in-law for introducing me to the smut world at a young age)…and now I’m old. So it was pretty cool to see that this website and these bloggers that I’ve been fangirling over for so many years have taken steps to become a massive national brand. I didn’t know what blogging even was before Barstool, so ifso factso, they invented blogging. They’ve essentially been my source for news for the past 7 or 8 years, and I’m not even a little bit embarrassed to admit it. I can’t wait to see what they’ll do with an HQ in NYC and many more resources. But most of all I’m anticipating what will happen when they end up merely blocks away from Buzzfeed.

 

2. Yeah? Yeah.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that Making a Murderer quickly became that new hot shit over the holidays for Netflix binges. Although it’s not for everyone (there’s reading involved), I would highly recommend it not just for the juicy police corruption content–but more importantly for the accents and midwestern culture. I literally felt like Wisconsin was on another planet as I watched this–courtesy of my sister’s Netflix account because I am nothing if not a Grade A mooch. (Thanks Lexi) There’s nothing worse than having show FOMO. Start watching so we can LoL about Brendan Dassey giving a written criminal confession with the word “bombfire” in it togets.

3. Magic Mike 3 is a must-see. 

I’m kind of torn now. Do I like Channing’s original pony dance? Or do I like his wife reenacting it and forcing a lap dance on him where she pretends she has a big dick that she’s aggressively swinging at his face? I don’t know what to think. All I know is that was entertainment. Certainly triple makes up for Channing doing “Let it Go” and ruining my life forever. I can’t even see the screengrab of him as Elsa without getting it stuck in my head. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! WHEN WILL FROZEN DIE AWAY FROM ME FOREVER? PS nothing is more obvious that Lip Sync Battle has absolutely nothing to do with lip syncing anymore than having two professional dancers on the season premiere. Double PS: need a new host, stat.

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4. Fuller House is a real tease.

These new pics were released because Netflix is going to milk the shit out of owning the Full House comeback. As they should. What have we learned from these stills that we don’t already know? Kimmy’s style has evolved from a light up dress and neon socks to cat cardigans from Urban Outfitters. Steph dresses like a hooch. And DJ looks like a kewl mom. And of course, good to see that they couldn’t buy a bigger couch to fit the rest of the fam on when they come to visit probably every day. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Danny lives in the attic apt and Joey still lives in the basement. Jesse and Becky have a mansion elsewhere, obviously. They’ve served their time sleeping on a bed that folds up to the wall.

5. Queen B usurps her Halftime Throne. 

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It has been confirmed that Bey will grace us unworthy ones with her presence at the SuperBowl halftime show with Coldplay. I don’t think I need to remind anyone how epic her halftime show was in 2013. As if we didn’t already know how big of a deal Beyonce is, they somehow got her to appear during Channing’s “lip sync” of Who Run the World for .2 seconds, flip her hair, do one booty shake and abruptly leave. That’s how little Spike TV can afford Queen B. So you can imagine what it might cost for her to casj drop by the SuperBowl. Anyway, I’m officially excited for this year’s halftime show…I will be 1000% less excited if the rumors that Bruno Mars is also popping in are true. Don’t ruin a good thing.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/14/15

HEAVY video week. Hope you have headphones at work 🙂

1. Fuller House Sets the date!

After teasing at this show for months and months salivating over what characters would come back and where to set our expectations…we finally have a short trailer and release date. Look, I went into this reallllll nervous with PTSD flashbacks to the Boy Meets World-Girl Meets World transition. But Netflix knew that. And so they tugged right at my heart strings with the Miranda Lambert song and flashes of the iconic house. There’s even a Comet 2.0. Now I’m amped. February 26th can’t come soon enough. (If you want to get even more excited, check out my blog about what characters NEED to come back HERE.)

2. 1D Gives us 1LastGift. 

Before going on hiatus for (ever?) a while… 1D gives us the gift that keeps on giving here. Everyone who reads my blog knows that James Corden could do carpool karaoke with a rock and it would be my favorite thing ever made. Obviously he’s been trying to squeeze his way into the band for some time now and this was no different. Props for his rap segment. Also sucks to suck for the double L sandwich in the backseat. With the amount of greasy hair flipping that Harry did in addition to wailing every high note I’m gonna guess it’s not gr8 to be roadtrip buddies with him. Harry rides bitch like nobody else. Ain’t nobody gonna stop him from shining.

3. Jason Derulo is Magic Mike.

I know that music videos aren’t that hip anymore and not a lot of people like watching them but if you don’t watch 30 seconds of this and walk away impressed by Jason’s dance swag then we can’t be friends. I saw him live this summer (fo free, yasss) and he put on a SHOW. He didn’t stop moving the entire concert and it was beyond impressive. It didn’t hurt that he took his shirt off and flaunted those washboard abs either but whatevs. That’s why he’s Magic Mike IRL. I can always appreciate a fresh dancer because my moves begin and end with a side step and a head bop.

4. Will Ferrell as New Santa.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Fallon clip on the JUice and it seemed right this week. Will Ferrell is constantly popping up on the show in weird costumes and doing random bits but this one made me giggle a little. As a “modern” santa (that gives off Guy Fieri vibes), Will talks about his love of Smashmouth while he fires off a t-shirt gun. Oh Santa, you’re such a bruh.

5. WOOK AT DA WITTLE BABIES.

A normal Friday Night Lights throwback pic is the best of the best. An FNL throwback pic where Riggins is wearing a silk shirt haphazardly buttoned? Game changer.

BONUS: Merry Christmas from the most beautiful Royals ever to exist.

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 Have a nice weekend. Something, something, May The Force Be With You…

JK go see Sisters this weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/19/15

1. Gilmore Girls is next aboard the Netflix ship.

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A series is never dead in today’s world. After Gilmore Girls reunited at the ATX Festival this year and we all saw that Lorelai hasn’t aged a minute, while Luke apparently hasn’t stopped aging, this obviously got the ball rolling for reunion rumors. Apparently creator Amy Sherman Palladino has had the last four words of the series written for like decades and now she’ll have her chance to show them with Netflix creating four 90 minute episodes and the grand sunset on Stars Hollow. As a Team Anyone But Dean gal, I’ll be anxious to see who will be the next in a lineup of very important boyfs for Rory, and obviously if they bring that little homewrecker April back I will send a strongly worded letter to Amy about how she’s betrayed everything I’ve ever believed in TV. Other than that, let’s see what they’ve got for those fabulous Gilmore Girls!

2. Adele is BACK.

I don’t really know how long she’s been gone but it was just the right amount of time if you ask me. I needed at least a year to get over the fact that while I was studying abroad in Florence they played Rolling in the Deep on repeat ad nauseum any time there was a speaker available. I think this made me irrationally angry toward Adele, but the beauty of it is she popped out a little nugget, disappeared for a hot second to be a mom and now I welcome her back with open arms, all irritations forgotten. Obviously she still has a powerhouse voice and her next album will sweep all the awards so it was nice knowin ya while it lasted, Sam Smith. No seriously, do you think Sam Smith heard this song and then sent Adele an anonymous letter that told her to go back into retirement because there’s only room for one soulful Brit to win all the awards in America? Just wondering.

3. Zooey Deschanel named her daughter something quirky.

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At this point I feel like the joke’s on us. Celebs put their heads together and say what will illicit the largest general audience eye roll for a baby name. First name: Elsie, Middle name: Otter. Although I commend the somewhat normal first name, they could have easily gone with River Otter if they really wanted to play into this but just the light touch of a furry water species that one would associate with campgrounds was apparently enough weird for them.

4. At the risk of beating a dead horse, Perfect got more Perfect.

Here’s the black and white music video for 1D’s perfect and if you were questioning if it actually is a response to Style, look no further than the several thousand artsy shots and closeups on Harry and that glossy, wild mane of his. The Hawaiian shirt though, really?

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5a. Tori Kelly goes Poc on us.

Apparently there’s a celeb Disney compilation CD in the works–including a J.Derulo version of Can You Feel the Love Tonight…gonna need that to enter my ears stat. But anyway, Tori the goddess of singing tackled Colors of the Wind. I’m going to be up front about it and say that I thought Pocahontas sucked as a Disney movie and I wouldn’t even think of giving this song a second listen but her version is obviously spectacular.

5b. Casting News. Mario Lopez joins Grease LIVE as Vince Fontaine, who if I remember correctly was somewhat of a creep. So not sure about that one. Also Chris Rock was announced as host of the Oscars this year and I hold out hope that having a standup comedian hosting again is just what we need to save ourselves from endless shitty bits and musical numbers that have turned past hosting gigs into trash city. Bonus points if he drops an uncensored F bomb while hosting. The world needs a little more edge is what I think.

BONUS: JT was inducted into the Memphis Hall of Fame this past weekend aka he came out of hiding aka he looked like a dime and was funny onstage and bro’ed out with his boyfriend Jimmy Fallon.

PS He slobbered all over his wife, his “rock” and said he loved her more than he could express in any song so I guess they’re pretty solid…whatever…

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Television

Fuller House: The Supporting Characters Comeback

The internet is abuzz with nostalgia this week ever since John Stamos confirmed the spinoff of Full House. Everyone wants to know who is in, who is out, and if Gibbler still has a debilitating foot odor. As of right now it’s confirmed that the plot will follow DJ, a single mother raising her children with a little help from Gibbler and Steph. (Sound famils?) Guest appearances by Danny, Uncle J, Becky & Joey are pretty much guaranteed, but instead of playing the will Michelle return as a gothy fashionista game, I decided to delve into our favorite supporting characters, guessing where they might be now and why they should DEFINITELY be included in Fuller House.

1. Steve

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As Deej’s first serious boyfriend who made a comeback as her (college?) prom date in the last episode, Steve was the perfect guy. He may have had a growing appetite, but realistically his only flaw was disappearing from our lives thus allowing DJ to date guys like Viper and Nelson. Woof. Is it naïve to say that Steve spent all these years pining after DJ? Probably but I’m gonna guess that’s where he is now. He did the college athlete thing, probably tried to go pro and realized he wasn’t gonna cut it so he’s been living the bachelor life while Deej was settling down and having kids. She was always a bit more serious than him. Now that she’s apparently widowed, this seems like the perfect time for Steve to step back into her life, help out with the grocery shopping, eat all the groceries, then prove to Deej why he’s the one.

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2. Kathy Santoni

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Remember that BITCH Kathy Santoni who got her rack at age 12 and started wearing makeup too soon, spread rumors about DJ and Gibbler then got knocked up and married by senior year of high school? The often talked about and rarely seen Kathy was a piece of the DJ-Gibbler friendship that brought them closer togets. Cause nothing brings friends closer than a mutual hate. Well karma’s a real bitch for Kathy because she’s divorced with three kids, hitting the wine every night and surfing tinder. She becomes a little too bitter when DJ and Gibbler move into her neighborhood and see just how miserable she’s become so she tries to turn the neighborhood against them and have Kimmy evicted for having loud sex with…

3. Duane

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Ah Duane, the man of one word…but give him a sonnet and suddenly he transforms into William Shakespeare. We all know that Duane was a real dud, but Gibbler is no walk in the park and I think they meshed together quite nicely. Opposites attract, right? Duane and Gibbler almost got married in Vegas until Gibbler realized she didn’t want to end up like Kathy Santoni, ZING. Duane didn’t end up going into the plumbing biz with his dad, became Kimmy’s main squeeze again and teaches poetry at the University of San Fran, Professor Hamlet and Cheese style. He still wears a backwards hat real well.

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4. Gia

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Gia started out as a real chain-smoking, class-cutting badass betch. Then Stephanie befriended her and taught her how to be nice while still maintaining an edgy aura. Gia was the BFF that every girl needs—she hosts the makeout parties at her mom’s apt, makes Steph lie about her age to meet cute guys at the mall and wears a crop top like nobody’s biz. The good news is that every girl needs a ride or die and Gia is still Steph’s. While Steph is helping DJ raise her kids, Gia is guitarist and singer in the band Girl Talk and she’s a famous AF rockstar. You might remember Girl Talk as the disaster band with her, Gibbler, and Steph in the past but Gia’s super mature now and she got disciplined, learned to play more than Ace of Base and rebooted the band. Gia’s basically the T. Swift of San Fran now and every once in a while brings Steph out on the scene so they can act young and reckless.

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5. Tommy Page

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Speaking of musicians, Tommy Page is still trying to hack it as dreamboat singer but he’s pushing it, age-wise. It’s no longer approps for him to show up at a 13 year old’s birthday party and serenade her with “You’re what dreams are made of, you’re the girl I love.” Seriously, that didn’t raise any red flags? Even though Tommy is old now, he can still get it so him and Gia hook up occasionally but it’s super casj. Tommy kicks it with the gang sometimes but will never let DJ forget about the time that he saw baby pictures of her naked and almost puked. Steph and Deej almost puke when they think about how they fought over T.Page.

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6. Walter

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Walter may have been ridiculed for his duck face in school but he obviously overcame the teasing to become an accountant. He does Stephanie’s taxes every year and uses this time to try and win her back to become Mrs. Duckface. She responds by throwing quackers at him. Just kidding. Sort of. He got really hot though. Just kidding again.

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7. Rusty

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RUSTY, THE RUST-MAN, RUSTYVISION, the CLASSIC prankster. Writing anonymous love letters, putting green dye in the shampoo bottle, tying the tablecloth to someone’s belt, loosening the salt shaker, the ole colored trick gum and kaleidoscope ink ring…WHAT a little asshole this kid was. You know what asshole kids grow up to be? Asshole adults. Rusty was the president of his frat in college and spent five years drawing dicks on pledge’s faces when they passed out after too many Natty Ice’s. Rusty is now the bartender at the Smash Club where the girls still go to cut loose and get away from their kids. Sometimes Steph and Rusty BOMO (blackout makeout.)

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8. Derek

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Should Michelle ever return to the show—and I really need her to… she’ll bring Derek back with her. Derek was part of Michelle’s inner crew when she got a little older and a lot less adorable cause she couldn’t get away with saying things like AW, NUTS or YOU GOT IT, DUDE. Anyway, Derek was known for ripping the role of Yankee Doodle from Michelle (kid was born to be a star) but they moved past it and it’s a good thing, too cause now Derek is Michelle’s gay BFF. He’s cool, he’s fashionable and he’s on Broadway. He’ll tell it like it is and I think that’s just what Michelle needs right now if they don’t do a quick makeover to the Olsen twins pre-comeback. Plus he’s got a killer six pack. Eye candy whaddupp.

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9. Stavros

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Jesse’s greek cousin who came to visit, tried to pork Becky and steal everyone’s money for a fake landslide ended up banished from America. BUT recently he convinced the Tanners that he had turned his life around in Greece and they should come visit. They all go visit for a family vacation every year and stay in Stavros’s greek villa because he’s a famous fashion designer now. He designs suspenders and is married to a Becky lookalike. Don’t eva change, Stavros.

10. Aaron

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Last but not least, Aaron the meanest bully ever. Most well known for his sexism and sneering everything he says, Aaron was kind of a turd. However, you know what they say, if the boy is picking on you it’s probably because he likes you. Well, Aaron has been in love with Michelle ever since she let Dave the bird free in pre-school and he narc’ed on her to the teacher. They’ve been dating on and off since college and every time he pinches her she pinches him right back. #Feminism. Realistically Aaron’s probably a terrible boyfriend but I just want to see how a kid who yells shit like: “This fridge is a joke! No Ding-Dongs, no Ho-Ho’s, no Nutty Buddy’s… it’s bone-dry!” turns out.

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I’m obviously missing some greats–who would you like to see in Fuller House? Also should John Stamos or any of the EP’s see this post, I can start working on the show ASAP, you just let me know when you want to fly me out.

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