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Nashville- “Is the Better Part Over”

Great news, Nashies, we’ve almost made it through another season! Don’t quite pat yourself on the back yet because we still have one more episode that I can only assume will follow Deacon slowly but surely getting prepped for liver surgery until in the last minute his monitor flat lines. End scene. Guitar riff. Did I just give a spoiler without even knowing what happens? Probably.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though, first we need to discuss Rayna’s big (terrible hair) meltdown about Deacon DYING. Guess she was expecting Beverly to cash that check real quick so when Bev-dawgz mails it back all ripped up Rayna loses her cool in a trippy “I have tunnel vision because Deacon cancer shit is raining from the ceiling” kind of way. She slicks her hair back into a hideous bun and goes home to listen to old records of her and Deacon and drown in her own tears. I can’t tell if she’s crying from Deacon’s imminent almost death or from how terrible their duets are but either way she’s not looking so hot. Deacon finds her and Rayna finally fesses up that she tried to buy Beverly’s liver for a million doll hairs. Deacon and Rayna ugly cry together. Rayna slobbers out that every time she pictures her future, Deacon’s in it. It would be touching except she’s snotting everywhere when she says it.

Speaking of snots, Juliette’s baby is unfortunately still in existence and nothing disappoints her more. She’s on a high from getting her career back and banging her husband a lot but that gnat of a husband keeps reminding her they have a baby and what a BUZZKILL that is. I’d also like to take this time to put Juliette on notice, not for hating her child because that’s understandable…the kid ruined her budding career, but to maybe stop being such an asshole to Rayna. Juliette awards Rayna with a brief meeting where she promises a finished album in two days and gives Rayna a whole lot of sass mouth, referring to her as Your Highness. Hey Juliette, when you have hair like that, you get to be top dog…until then know your place and knock it off.

Later on that night Deacon is set to play the Bluebird until the press finds out he’s dying and ruins it by treating this performance like he’s going to play and then die right onstage. He decides it’s best not to show up and instead throws it to the Exes to take over. The Exes have been offered a record deal from Highway 65 (sound familiar?) and also all they do is bitch at each other THIS ENTIRE EPISODE. It makes for some pretty uncomfy dates in hot Doc and the terrible mom, who clearly can see that these two just need to bang one out and move on with it. They perform a gr8 song as always with Avery watching in the crowd (kind of insensitive, no?) and in the end they decide to sign with Highway 65 and keep their personal lives out of it. Yeah…right. Also not for nothing but has Scarlett’s southern twang gotten worse this season? I’ve found that I can barely listen to her talk without my ears bleeding out. Her accent sounds like the one that I do when I get loopy in the car and sing along to Taylor Swift’s “Our Song” with an exaggerated hick drawl. All in favor of Gunnar and Scarlett only making music and never speaking next season? I.

While everyone is jammin at the Bluebird, Teddy’s deal to not go to jail for life is to be a narc much like his prosty friend. Apparently the way to stay out of jail is just a chain of narcing for the government. Sounds about right. He wears a wire to meet with the senator who Lamar used to do illegal biz with and it turns out the senator blows Tandie in for her involvement. Looks like someone will be coming back from Cali sooner than expected…

Auntie Tandie’s getting a lot of verbal air time this episode as the little tweens Maddie and Daphne are also out visiting her in California, which I’m assuming is a direct result of Maddie getting caught during her little afternoon delight last week.

Will, however, has been indulging in full days of delight on a vacation with his boy toy, which obviously ends in several photogs proving once and for all that he’s not a straight. He also has to face his dad who I’m assuming right away doesn’t like gays due to his rugged cowboy looks and the fact that he tossed Will on the side of the road and told him he wished he was never born. But that’s neither here nor there because Papa Lexington says he’s proud of Will and loves him and Will’s all OK we’re good.

All is not well with Layla, who got replaced by Meghan Trainor on Jade Unicorn Hair’s tour all because she took to twitter at the party, or rather all because little birdy Jeffy went tweet, tweet while she passed out on a bench. Evil Fordham is back in action and I’m gleeful about his return. He tells sharp as a tack Layla that the best way to solve this problem is to have a twitter war with Pinky-Locks and sets out to sabotage her career. He even gets her to sign a contract so that he can’t be fired. Layla the doe eyed Bambi doesn’t even read it before signing and methinks Jeff was expecting that.

After being a special brand of raging bitch all day, Juliette convinces Avery to go out while she watches the spawn. Avery is worried clearly but he shouldn’t be because it’s not like Juliette is going to immediately sling on a pair of noise cancelling headphones and leave their baby to die. Oh wait…INTERVENTION. They all gather to tell Juliette maybe she has a case of the Post Partum I Hate My Baby. Juliette flies off the handle and tells them all that she basically financially supports them so she’s just gonna go ahead and make that album and keep payin the bills and forget about her child whose name she definitely doesn’t know. I think it went well.

After some hardcore wah-wahs, Deacon and Rayna decide to mop up their tears and hit the Bluebird for a duet. Rayna gives a good “Hey Ya’ll” into the mic (nod to Tami Taylor) and that’s just about the only nice thing I can say about this performance. Afterwards, Rayna and Deacon make out and who waltzes on into the Bluebird but Beverly, saying she wants to save Deacon’s life. She hugs Deacon and fixes a real hard set of crazy eyes on Ray Ray. Something tells me Bev has set a price for her liver after all, and it’s the disappearance of Ray Ray.

Music, Playlist

90’s Pop Jamz

It’s been a while since I’ve forced everyone to listen to the best songs of previous decades so here we are again. This time it’s the OBVIOUS pop bangers of the 90’s and early 2000’s focusing on boy bands and girl bands who were the stuff (with the additional bada$$ bitches who were solo.)

1. Bye, Bye, Bye- N*SYNC. I mean obviously this playlist needs to start with the OG of boy bands, the pinnacle, if you will. Though difficult to pick just one N*SYNC classic, this one came with it’s own dance move and therefore has stood the test of time.

2. Oops!…I Did It Again- Britney Spears. Because back then there wasn’t a Justin without a Britney. The best kind of song is one that starts with what sounds like a car attempting and failing to start and has a break in the middle for a quick Broadway play…Aww, you shouldn’t have. No really Brit, you shouldn’t have. Mid-song talkies are the worst. But this song isn’t.

3. MMMBop- Hanson. Three young boys with floor length blonde locks sing a song that we LITERALLY will never know the words to. Seriously, WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY SAYING? Whatever, it’s catchy AF.

4. Waterfalls- TLC. This song is about people dying of AIDS and drug overdoses and stuff, pretty heavy, but if you use a metaphor about bodies of water to describe it, suddenly it’s a fresh song with a little sax thrown in. If you can master the Left Eye (may she rest in peace) rap in this then I absolutely need to be your friend.

5. Back Here- BBMak. It’s unfortunate that these guys came out around the same time as N*SYNC and BSB cause they pretty much didn’t stand a chance. They also had the hairstyles of a punk rock band so that was strike 2. Good news is they know how to write a killer whiny love song.

6. Genie In A Bottle- Christina Aguilera. We’ve seen a lot of Christina’s in our lifetime, Dirrty Xtina wearing assless chaps, retro Christina trying to make the 50’s cool and more recently The Voice Christina trying to be a part of the boys club. It’s important for us not to forget that she got her start being suuuuper innocent singing about getting rubbed the right way. Get it, girl!

7. When The Lights Go Out- 5ive. Damn this boy band had a little FLAVA. And I’m not just talking about how clever it was that they literally used the number 5 in their band name. I’m referring to the swagger they had in this song. SECOND VERSE, GIRL-The rapping is on point. They’re bragging about their bedroom skills and I for one couldn’t wait for them to show me what it’s all about. Not so much after this picture though…

8. No More (Baby I’ma Do Right)- 3LW. If you don’t listen to this song and immediately burst out laughing to “broken promithes, promithes” you don’t like fun things. 3LW may have had a little street cred as a girl band and telling off their deadbeat men, but THAT LISP. Also they really drive the point home in this song by repeating every word, just in case. Fun fact: I saw them open for N*SYNC and they came out in janitor jumpsuits and stripped them off mid song while dancing and it was suuuupes impressive. It obviously didn’t take a lot for me to be dazzled at that age.

9. Give Me Just One Night- 98 Degrees. We’re going to sweep it under the rug that 98 degrees tried to make a comeback with a song about blowies and really relish the good ole days where all they needed was one night (one night) with a girl. Not for nothing but this song was educational in teaching me my first Spanish words.

10. Wannabe- Spice Girls. The Spice Girls created the girl group and also taught us about Brits. I used to reenact scenes from the Spice Girl movie during recess, unfortunately everyone’s favorite was Baby and BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH BROWN HAIR I had to be Posh or Sporty. Both options suck and so did my British accent but I digress. Here’s another song where I have heard it 1000 times and still don’t know what they’re saying, but I certainly know that Bevin, Peyton Brooke and Haley did a choreographed dance to it on the roof of a house party. PS Scary Spice’s cackle is EXACTLY how she got her name.

11. The Animal Song- Savage Garden. Let’s slow it down now with two baby faces with the falsetto of angels. This song is about how they wish they were animals because then they could run around all carefree. Don’t we all wish that, Savage Garden, don’t we all. Anyway their CD (I’m pretty sure they only have one?) is the best crying soundtrack you could ever ask for. Trust me. Plus: pwetty boys.

12. S Club Party- S Club 7. Again, here we are with another classssic British band that taught me new things. For example, I learned that hoochie mamas show their nana’s at any good party. For the record, if their show was still on the air I would still be watching it because it was the shit. Unfortunately S Club 7 pretty much fell off the wagon and tried to do a comeback recently that was quite a scene. Jo no longer has the flow, let’s just say that.

13. Summergirls- LFO. LFO was the badass version of boy bands. They mused nonsense about Scooby snacks and Chinese food and we were like yes, please, Rich.

14. Candy- Mandy Moore. Again, might be hard to recall a time when Mandy was REAL blonde and singing about craving a boy like she craves candy. Suuuch a stupid song but doesn’t make it any less catchy. Love always, Mandy.

15. Liquid Dreams- O-Town. The original Making the Band kicked off reality TV AND gave us a song about wet dreams. Could we really ask for more? It concerns me to report that my sister and I spent a whole summer day on my back deck choregraphing a dance to this song and not once did my mom say hey maybe stop shimmying to a song about boner jams. It was a great dance though.

16. C’est La Vie- B*Witched. It’s pretty much a rule at this point that if you have an asterick in your band name your cool factor is top notch. These chicks are also suuuupes Irish, which pushes their cool factor through the roof. You don’t get too many pop songs that you could literally do an irish jig in the middle to some bag pipes and that’s what makes this song gr8. Plus it starts with “Some people say I look like me dad”…which doesn’t even make sense.

17. Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)- Aaron Carter. I refuse to ever make a 90’s pop playlist without my gangsta AC. Kid was like 4 ft. tall wearing oversized FUBU with white Nikes and apparently knew how to threw a kiiiickin party while his parents catch a matinee. The different characters in this song, the way he’s talking to the honey’s and breakin it down on the living room dance floor instead of being a good host, and his dad grounding him at the end…what a whirlwind of emotions in one song. Was it the party of the month? No. It was the party of the year.

18. He Loves U Not- Dream. Although I’m pretty sure I never knew anyone’s individual names in Dream, I know that I loved them. They were super sassy. I had(have) their CD and one of their songs was literally them just telling off a guy named Jordan for trying to date them all at once and thinking they wouldn’t find out. THEY FOUND OUT, JORDAN. I made my very first music video (camcorder style) to this song and it was award-winning if I do say so myself. It was supposed to be a dream sequence (get it?) then during the instrumentals we ran around and pulled the letters “D-R-E-A-M” off the wall to show we were going back to real life. Whoa. Copywritten so don’t even try to rip me off, guys.

Signature Pink Coordinates ❤

19. The Hardest Part of Breaking Up- 2Gether. These clowns were supposed to be a parody of a boy band but their mockery went over our tween idiot heads and we loved them anyway. Also they had a balding 40 year old in the group, casj. AND they rapped about math. WHAT a breakup jam this is though. These bros could get DOWN and they also would like their cat back pls.

20. I Want It That Way- Backstreet Boys. It seemed like the right thing to do to bookend this playlist with the two rivals and most popular boy bands of the 90’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I was 1000% team N*SYNC, but that never clouded my appreciation for what BSB was doing. Unfortunately a lot of the teens at this time did let it cloud their vision. My dad’s favorite thing to do (his only entertainment really) when he took us to an N*SYNC concert was to ask tweens if this was the BSB concert and just watch their dramats reactions. I would imagine it’s close to going to a 1D concert today and announcing that you can’t wait to see 5 Seconds of Summer? (1D still a touchy subject?) I don’t know. Either way this song gives me all the feels, and I DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAYYYY it doesn’t.

Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet

Since this ball is honoring costumes, it’s known to have some out there fashion statements. This year’s theme was China: Through the Looking Glass, which left a whole lot of room for accidental racism. I’d like to applaud Hollywood for toeing that line quite nicely and avoiding any large scandal. Although no one showed up in a kimono with chopsticks in their hair, I would like to find out how one gets an invite to this event because judging by the MTV crowd, I’m convinced if I rolled up in a floral ball gown I would’ve been let in no questions asked. Anyway, here’s the looks that made me want to puke everywhere, accompanied by the ones that made me drool.

Worst:

This is actually really tame for GaGa. Still hate it though..basically a moomoo with feathers.

Ms. Katy Perry ditching her infamous cheeto themed outfits for an emo/graffiti theme.

http://www.barf.com/always …sweet blue hair.

FKA Twigs is somewhat wearing a human…or maybe just their arms/legs? I don’t know. I’m uncomfy.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen JLo look old. Also this dress is Mushu from Mulan sewed onto a body. How dare you treat Mushu like that.

Hey have you guys ever seen Kim K’s lady bits? This is a really bold look for her because she’s always so modest and covered. What a risk taker.

Belle has arrived and apparently slayed the beast and dyed his fur yellow for her ensemble tonight.

Wax. Figure.

This dress belongs on the cover of Seventeen Magazine.

Not into the color or the shoulder cutout, or the way Emma Roberts looks like she wants to murder a village.

The cupcake poof makes Alicia look like she’s 1000 lbs and we know she’s not because she’s croppin so hard. Not flattering.

I know it’s like sacrilegious to put SJP on the worst dressed but guess what, I’m doing it. That headdress is stupid.

Little House on the Yellow River

Damnit guys, you used to be cute as shit. Why does it look like you’re 100 now and 2/3 of the Sanderson sisters? Pretty BA to completely ignore the theme though.

Dakota looks like she picked this up at Deb and is going to hit the clubs tonight. Read the red carpet, Dakota. Not the event for this kind of mini.

Not in love with this pattern, Cher. Hair on fleek though for someone over 60 that’s impressive.

Chloe borrowed Kristin’s black choker from Laguna Beach.

Again, how was this punk invited?

hailee-steinfeld

Bleh.

Ummm…maybe use the tassels awkwardly hanging down your leg to tie that wide open jacket closed.

What an unfortunate area to have what looks like blood stains on your dress. Jus sayin.

Kewl fake tats.

Closest we got to an actual kimono.

This dress looks like a pinterest project.

Best:

Hated this so hard when I first saw it. The more that I stare at it though, I respect it. There’s only one way to come back after almost murdering your brother in law in an elevator at last year’s Met Ball, and that’s obviously to wear something like this. Fist bump, Solange.

Andy looking dapper AF.

Usher looks like he legitimately has a foot injury but I’m gonna credit the pimp cane to part of this look anyway. Smooth.

Always a stylish couple, Diane is crushing the bodysuit.

Not many men to look at so Ansel made the cut for looking adorbs.

I want to hate Amal so bad because she’s so above Hollywood and smart or something but she looks gr8.

This is a flattering style on her, I could do without pelicans flying across the dress.

I dig this color on Keri, wish her hair was down.

This is so asshole that I love it. Anne Hathaway is hated on so much and she’s like guess what I’m going to roll through with my shiny gold hood up. H8ers gonna H8.

Elizabeth Banks looks great in this color–wish her hair wasn’t pompadour city.

Good color, good lip.

Selena putting the goods on display for Matador Biebs.

The only purple dress I saw and it’s on point.

Taking a quote from the drunk bros who complimented my derby hat on Saturday, this dress is “elegant AF”

Classy and modest for Gabrielle Union.

Dumb hair, pwetty gown.

Don’t know who this is, digging up on the texture and style of this dress.

Dayumn, Cookie.

Classic white and red lippin.

Crop coordinate game strong.

And the winner of best looking reality star goes to Kendall. Take notes Kris & Kimmy. Bow down to the model of the fam.

Do you think Jeets is into sharing? Hannah Davis looks like a smooookeeeeshowwww.

Punk Rock Claire Danes. Get itttt.

I’m a big sucker for pop of color shoes.

I don’t necessarily love this dress but Allison Williams always looks like a beaut.

SLAAAYYYY QUEEN. THAT PONYTAIL.

Always crushing the red carpet Chrissy didn’t disappoint in a backless black gown.

Mark this day down in history as the first time Lorde has made one of my best dressed lists. She even looks angelic. Who is this person.

Uma threw me for a loop in this dress. Looking fit and fab right down to the earrings.

Classic look for Carey Mulligan.

Most beautiful person alive, no biggie. Ties with Hannah Davis for girl crush of the night.

Karlie came without her twin but still looks fab.

This is hands down the best Zendaya has ever looked on a red carpet.

The septum piercing is real intimidating but this dress is supes cool.

Not as ballsy as Little Gold Ridinghood Anne but still stellar gold.

Ya girl Reese is literally timeless.

Woofiest Look of the Night:

Not only is this outfit atrocious but Chloe knows it is because her red carpet face looks like she just smelled a fart.

Favorite Look of the Night:

J.Law doing the damn thing with the top bun and floral crop she’s looking fresh to death and my fave of the night.

Pop Culture

Puppies & Babies to Cure the Monday Blues

You know what everyone in the world thinks are cute and cuddly? Puppies. You know what most* of the world thinks are cute until they cry? Babies. Put these two togets and you’ve got an overload of adorbsies. Get through your Monday with a case of the warm and fuzzies after looking at the best baby/puppy cuddling combo deals I’ve ever seen.

*FTR: I still fall into the not baby-loving category. I only accept pictures or videos of infants if they are accompanied by a pup.

This is how this baby was bathed for it’s first few weeks. Obv.

This baby should be loving these puppy kisses a WHOLE lot more. Get it together!

This pup was kind enough to share his bed as long as he got to be little spoon.

The best kind of chair for TV watchin.

Nothin to see here folks, just a little shnout to shnout nap.

Don’t even try messing with this clique.

Sometimes you just need an arm rest while catching your Saturday AM cartoons.

This dog has the most patience in the world.

THEY’RE THE SAME SIZE.

Girl’s just trying to let him know he should lay off the snausages unless he starts flossing.

CUTENESS OVERLOAD.

And the grand finale…

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/27/15

1. Lifetime is making a Full House unauthorized movie. Lifetime just could NOT allow Full House to be snagging up that spotlight without a little scandal so they decided to cash in on it real quick. Obviously their Saved by the Bell unauthorized movie was sooo spot on:

So it will be interesting to see how they butcher this one as well. In other Fuller House scandal news, after the Olsens pretended they were never invited to partake in the reboot, Uncle J cleared it up with MK and now s’all good.

Had a sweet talk with M.K today!! There way more important things going in the wold today. #Family

— John Stamos (@JohnStamos) April 29, 2015

2. Biebs joins in on Zoolander sequel. Ugh. Biebz literally sucks the fun out of all joyous things.

3. Amy Schumer crushes life. A lot of Amy’s sketches from the new season of Inside Amy Schumer have been passed around lately, here’s one from this week where she mocks a 1D song about being beautiful while also pointing out the fact that women look like trolls without makeup. Although I wish she also mocked the big pizzazz every time a celeb goes makeup free and we all bow down even though they’re clearly wearing mascara and eyeliner…but I digress.

4. Todrick Hall is winning YouTube this week. With his 90’s Hip Hop/Disney mashup AND tribute to Queen B in 4 minutes, this guy is crushing it.

5. Zac Efron. Sup? Zac is filming a new movie this week where apparently his abs will be getting a credit for supporting role. I don’t hate it.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Time Changes Things”

Well last week the storm had just begun, and if this week’s episode was supposed to be a shit storm it did not deliver. We had a few O-M-GEE moments and a whole lot of Deacon flashbacks but otherwise I would like to tell Nashville to amp it up right quick. Let’s talk shockers first then scuffle on about the stupid shit afterwards.

Kiley-the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mom has made a triumphant return for that whiny ass kid of hers.Since she completely missed Gunnar’s you are NOT the father moment, she still thinks Micah is in Nashville. Gunnar’s all hey guess what you’re the worst person to ever live and I never want to see you again but then when he comes home several hours later she’s still hangin. Turns out Gunnar’s skeezy bro Jason actually raped Kiley at a party then comes baby in the baby carriage. BOOM. Plot twist. Due to this new and unfortunate news, Gunnar takes Kiley under his wing because he lives to cater to broken birds, Kiley sees this as a possible opening for a rekindling of their love, then she calls her son and he promptly hangs up on her. HA-HA betch. Future Plans:Kiley gets after Gunnar’s D. Possible fam reunion?

Deacon walks in on Maddie and Colt doin tha na$ty in their Catholic school uniforms like a couple of teenage freeeaks. Maddie immediately turns on the waterworks and says it’s not what it looks like (a porno) and Colt quickly narcs that Maddie didn’t even want to, so it’s not her fault. Jeez, Colt, do the waistband tuck and cut your losses instead of ratting out your fifteen year old girlfriend for not wanting to put out right away. Maddie gets a country star-to-aspiring country star S-E-X chat later from Juliette who tells her if/when she does let Colt penetrate her, she hopes it’s for the right reasons. Maddie’s all you’re going to be such a great mom, Julez and Juliette gets a blank stare on her face as she remembers that she has a kid and panics. After Deacon has shaken out all of the awksies, he tells Maddie he’s just glad he’s ALIVE to have this moment with her, but he’s still totes telling Rayna that her daughter was caught slooting it up. Over in boy world, Luke’s sex chat with Colt is more like son, we all make mistakes *claps Colt on the back*.Future plans: These two will have sex and judging by what a cocky lil SOB Colt is, it will be terrible.

Rayna sneaks on over to East Buhhole, America to pay a visit to Beverly and snatch up that healthy liver of hers.What we don’t get is a compliant, loving Beverly…what we get instead is a whole slew of flashbacks on a very Fonz-esque Deacon with a slicked back swoop hairstyle and a hideous joutfit getting his start in Nashville with Bev at his side. Not only did they cake makeup on Deacon to make him not look like he’s in his 40’s…they also brought back ugly hair Rayna and I had to shield my eyes from that atrocity of curls. Someone also called her Ray-Ray, so there’s that. Apparently there was a point to these flashbacks other than to show us how much more attractive these two are now that they’re famous and rich and that is to teach us how Beverly thought she was going to be bigger than Rayna James until Ray-Ray sashayed in and stole her bro. Unfortunately, instead of becoming the #1 country star, Bev became waitress by day, piano bar singer by night. She gives Rayna some real bitch eyes as she wails airport lounge music then basically tells Rayna she can go to hell for stealing her career. The shocker comes when Rayna finally remembers she’s dealing with a crazy person and hands Bev a check for a cool milli hoping it will change her mind. What a Bo$$ Ray Ray is, buying her lover’s liver. Future plans: With Bev’s heart of gold she’ll turn it down and do the transplant because Deacon is family. NAHHHTT. She’ll take that money and PEACE.

Our little prostitute tattletale calls Teddy to inform him that she’s still cruising around Nashville a free woman and to turn this show into a horror movie by saying “They’re coming for you, Teddy.” Ok, girl. Let’s T it down with the dramats. Teddy snaps up his passport faster than you can say political scandal and starts packing his bags. His final goodbye to his girls before he hauls ass outta Nashville? Expensive necklaces from Tiffany’s to show how much he loves them. What a heartfelt guy. Right before he’s headed out, the US Attorney shows up to tell Teddy that he’ll drop all investigation and charges in exchange for a favor. BUT WHAT IS THE FAVOR? Cliffhanger, we’ll find out next week. Future Plans:Gonna go ahead and assume more illegal stuff. Cause that’s how Teddy rolls now.

Now onto less shocking things…Scarlett and her doc lover whose expiration date is the end of this season if not sooner kiss a whole lot and it’s super forced and obnoxious. Also Scarlett and Gunnar have another sexual tension fight. Deacon tells Juliette that he’s dying…is he gonna run out of people to tell soon? This repeated scene each week is getting EXHAUSTING. Layla and Fordham fight a whole lot because Layla has turned into a fame slut and Fordham is beginning to realize he hitched his wagon to this monster.

And finally our days with Jade St. John the hair unicorn are over, boo-hoo. In her final moments she goes from pink AND black hair to full-on magenta within hours…this chick is so versatile. It’s gonna be hard to let her go. Luke is visiting her mansion in LA as she prepares to throw a party with an inconvenient amount of bubbles in the air. They make out and talk about their favorite rom coms in front of a green screen of a tasteful ocean background. At her party later where Nashville doesn’t beat around the bush directly taking jabs at how stupid LA is, Jade pretends her house is like Vegas and doesn’t allow social media posts. But how will we know what the cool people are doing? Luke sees that Jade is wearing a literal palm tree on her body and is disgusted so he breaks up with her cause he’s just a cowboy from Kentucky, ya’ll. Layla shows up accentuating her puffy bangs (not in a good way) then has a dance floor BOMO with a celeb she was fangirling over. Fordham’s on suicide watch and finally has had enough when he tweets out a picture of slob kebab Layla and tags Jade in it like a baby bitch scorned lover.

Finally: BAMF moment of the night goes to Ms. Juliette Barnes over the top divalicious comeback. She demands roof access and a helicopter and then puts on one hell of a show while looking like a smoke in her sparkly mini and serenading Nashville with a fresh number. She gets all high on the juice from doing an illegal concert and goes for a little steamy elevator hookup with Avery. They get home to penetrate and obviously the baby starts crying during foreplay. Womp wompppp. Hide the knives.

Pop Culture

An Ode To Blake Lively

Everyone who knows me knows that I’ve had a massive crush on Blake Lively ever since she was Bridget in Sisterhood. She just popped out a baby recently and in promoting her new movie Age of Adaline, was working the press circuit the past couple of weeks. To say she was killing it, fashion-wise is an understatement. I was surfing through her recent looks and had to mop up the drool from my keyboard. Since I’m somewhat of a fashion expert (because I judge red carpets) I decided to rank Blake’s press outfits from worst to best, woman crush Wednesday style.

This tweed jacket number is definitely the worst mostly because I hate tweed. All the respect that Blake matched her pumps to the coat though.

A little TOO 70’s for my liking but her boobs look gr8.

This is a lot to take in. Sassy pony on fleek though.

Kind of reminiscent of an Easter mass outfit.

The dress makes me think of Lemon-Sol. Those mint heels though ❤

Not my favorite embroidered set but her legs are giving T.Swift’s a run for her money.

If the top left boob didn’t have Beetlejuice stripes on it I would be all in on this outfit.

Lose the jacket, show off the goods. (I realize each of my comments is getting creepier and creepier, and I’m OK with it.)

Leave it to Blake to wear heels with a tracksuit.

Oh hey, a koi fish.

Kind of a mom dress but her mermaid waves steal the show.

Retro chic

Yeah this is exactly how I look when I throw on a pair of jeans for a casj Friday.

sparkleblake

Saucy skirt for Seth Meyers

Boob sparkle for JFall

I’m pretty sure she literally just wore this party dress from the limo to her dressing room. #LifeGoals

I can’t even begin to understand what this creation is but it’s cool AF.

Fun and flattering and obsessed with these earrings!

Her best elegant look of the tour.

WINNER WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER. Putting that salsa girl emoji to SHAME. Hot damn.

Movies

The Do’s & Don’ts of A Slumber Party…

As Told By You’re Invited to Mary Kate and Ashley’s Sleepover Party

Do: Bring a sleeping bag. Old school sleepovers were nothin without a hardcore camping sleeping bag that was completely unnecessary for your BFF’s finished basement with a flat screen TV. It was all about the vibe of camping out on the floor. My sleeping bag was neon green and bright blue with a built in pillow. It served no purpose other than to blind people and I was physically unable to fold it back up after a sleepover so I would drag it out to my mom’s Dodge caravan the next day for her to clean up that disaster.

Don’t: Bring your entire 9 year old’s wardrobe complete with hat boxes. Hey Cara, you’re heading over to a friend’s house 3 streets over, not traveling with your husband and three kids on the Mayflower in search of the Promise Land. Let’s ease up on the hat boxes, ok? Nothing worse than an over-packer when your whole wardrobe consists of overalls and jean vests.

Do: Talk About Your Dog Everyone loves dogs, this is scientific fact. If someone has a fuzzy, cuddly puppy put near them and doesn’t immediately grab it to snuggle, there is something wrong with them. Half the time slumber party activities just consist of playing with the family dog.

Don’t: Bring a framed picture of your dog and cuddle with said frame at night. If you attend a slumber party and your only possession is an 8×10 frame of your Golden Retriever that you don’t let out of your sight, you probably have some issues. It’s one thing to love all up on dogs and miss your own, it’s a whole other ball game to be physically unable to spend a night away from your dog unless you’re cheek is stuck to a glass framed picture of it, Brighton.

Do: Dance-off Whether you’re pre teen or hitting up the clubs, dance-off’s will never go out of style. The benefit to doing it when you’re a grown up is you can blame the alcohol when you pull out a risky move and everyone thinks it’s suuupes embarrassing. PJ dance parties were great pre-boozin too cause you could ALWAYS count on Vanessa to have the freshest moves. (Direct quote, were they legit allowed to say that?)

Don’t: Tell your friends you can’t dance, you’re already the weird one (I’m lookin at you buzzcut Cara) Look, you basically moved into your friend’s house for the next three hours with your collection of hats dating back to WWI and then Vanessa tells you to try the running man and you can’t hang? Someone should’ve slipped Cara a little bit of vodka in her root beer float. NEVER admit to your gurlz that you don’t have the moves, it’s a weakness they’ll hone in on during future middle school dances when they put you in the middle of a circle. DARE TO DANCE, BABY. DON’T BE A SCAREDY CAT.

Do: Hand jives and hair braiding. The things that the Olsen’s nailed were these two classic girl activities. Throw a little Miss Mary Mack and hair playing in the mix and you’ve got a golden night.

Don’t: Pillow fights. Listen, I get that the pillow fight is not only the given slumber party game but also the pinnacle of every man’s fantasy. Guess what, pillow fights SUCK. There is nothing enjoyable about some catty betch channeling her hate by wailing on you with her extra firm pillow. HAHA IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES until Tiff tries to decapitate you.

Do: Eat a bunch of garbage. When you’re 11-14 years old your metabolism is ON FLEEK. (Did I say that right?) This is the ultimate time to toss handfuls of sour patch kids down the hatchet like it’s a garbage disposal because you won’t get fat, you’ll just get more energy, which is EXACTLY what you want at a slumber party because there’s so many activities on the agenda. Plus sleepovers usually contain movie times and movie snacks are the BOMB.com.

Don’t: Ruin a perfectly good pizza by putting all that garbage on top of it. The Olsens might’ve coined the coolest song related to Pizza ever, but don’t be fooled because the ingredients that they were jamming about adding to their pizza straight up RUINED IT. They took a perfectly good large cheese and then decided to add pasta, meatloaf, fish sticks, mashed potatoes, ketchup…pretty much everything that a lunch lady would serve and cause you to upchuck on your keds. WOOF. This pizza blows. But damnit that song is fire flames. (PS You guessed it, Cara continues to prove she’s the friend who probably gets bullied at school…)

Do: Play dress up and make a music video I think probably one of my favorite staples of sleepovers is picking a favorite overplayed pop song, rolling your scented body glitter all over your chest, putting on a cami to show off said body glitter and making up a choreographed dance with your gal pals to be recorded on a camcorder and buried in a capsule of mortifying things. Thank GOD I had so many hairbrushes in my kit n’ caboodle otherwise what would we have ever used as microphones?

Don’t: Paint your faces to be terrifying and sing creepy songs I can’t think of any circumstance where it’s ok to sit your hosts down and tell them to watch you paint your face like a bunch of nightmares, amp up the crazy eyes and sing in sketchy voices about black cats, ghouls and haunted mansions. If I were MK&A I’d kick these bitches out, stat. NO THANKS. (PS I seriously still cannot watch this scene of a movie meant for 9 year olds by myself, had to fast forward for fear of losing sleep.)

Do: Flirt with your friend’s hot older brother and his crew Being the dweeb kid sister’s friend with the watermelon colored braces and yet still openly flirting with the hot older bro is what real bravery is. Older bros and their friends are cool without even trying, like when they walk into the house blaring techno beats from the boombox on their shoulder grabbing some chow from the fridge. Trent ❤

Screen Shot 2015-04-26 at 9.25.17 PM

Rollerblades slung over the shoulder, SO COOL IT HURTS.

Do you even blade, bro?

Don’t: Recycle your scary performance for them and make them shit their pants. Seriously this scene did NOT need a reprisal especially in front of your dream boyfs. What a boner kill for Trent & his bruhs to see these girls dressed up like a House of Freaks. A for effort to the boys for trying to get some screams first but then the Olsen Twins stepped straight out of a horror flick and made Trent poop himself with jazz hands.

Do: Play video games Video games can be fun when for a hot sec but real talk: board games were more fun, especially when it was Dream Phone. Oh, what’s that, a mystery guy won’t stop calling you until you find out which one he is? Story of my life, amirite? Hint: his name is Josh and he’s waiting for you at the mall food court. 90’s girl board games were the closest things we had to boyfriends so they were ultimately superior to video games.

Don’t: Watch other people play video games What’s the point of going over to someone else’s house to watch them play video games? If I were these chicks I would’ve let the Olsen’s go on a video monster binge and gone looking for Trent and the boyz, WINK. Cara seems pretty into it though, go figure.

Do: Try to stay up all night I distinctly remember one of my first sleepovers where we all agreed to stay up all night and had an actual countdown to midnight then immediately passed out because we made it until morning. And yet 7AM hit and we were up and ready for pancakes. What a BAMF life. Getting turnt up on popcorn and Darryn’s Dance Grooves then crashing in the wee hours of midnight.

Don’t: Be the first to fall asleep like a square. Hard and fast rule that if you’re the first to fall asleep you’re a real loser. Also, the rest of the slumber party will use that time to talk shit about you and MAYBE put your hand in a glass of warm water so you pee your sleeping bag. When the Olsens’ sleepover party was winding down they took a poll on if they should stay up all night and all the girls were like YAAASSS and Ashley pulled the CLASSIC “I’m not tired if you’re not tired.” They got scared about their parents finding out they stayed up to watch the midnight news, sang a song, then Vanessa opened herself up to ridicule when she conked out first. Brighton was next and asked them to wake her if anything fun should happen. HEY BRIGHTON, IF YOU DON’T WANNA MISS FUN STUFF YOU STAY UP ALL NIGHT LIKE A COOL KID. The twins stay up the latest, obv.

In closing…

Shout out to my girl Vicki for sending this to me because it’s the greatest creation ever.

Television

Fuller House: The Supporting Characters Comeback

The internet is abuzz with nostalgia this week ever since John Stamos confirmed the spinoff of Full House. Everyone wants to know who is in, who is out, and if Gibbler still has a debilitating foot odor. As of right now it’s confirmed that the plot will follow DJ, a single mother raising her children with a little help from Gibbler and Steph. (Sound famils?) Guest appearances by Danny, Uncle J, Becky & Joey are pretty much guaranteed, but instead of playing the will Michelle return as a gothy fashionista game, I decided to delve into our favorite supporting characters, guessing where they might be now and why they should DEFINITELY be included in Fuller House.

1. Steve

As Deej’s first serious boyfriend who made a comeback as her (college?) prom date in the last episode, Steve was the perfect guy. He may have had a growing appetite, but realistically his only flaw was disappearing from our lives thus allowing DJ to date guys like Viper and Nelson. Woof. Is it naïve to say that Steve spent all these years pining after DJ? Probably but I’m gonna guess that’s where he is now. He did the college athlete thing, probably tried to go pro and realized he wasn’t gonna cut it so he’s been living the bachelor life while Deej was settling down and having kids. She was always a bit more serious than him. Now that she’s apparently widowed, this seems like the perfect time for Steve to step back into her life, help out with the grocery shopping, eat all the groceries, then prove to Deej why he’s the one.

2. Kathy Santoni

Remember that BITCH Kathy Santoni who got her rack at age 12 and started wearing makeup too soon, spread rumors about DJ and Gibbler then got knocked up and married by senior year of high school? The often talked about and rarely seen Kathy was a piece of the DJ-Gibbler friendship that brought them closer togets. Cause nothing brings friends closer than a mutual hate. Well karma’s a real bitch for Kathy because she’s divorced with three kids, hitting the wine every night and surfing tinder. She becomes a little too bitter when DJ and Gibbler move into her neighborhood and see just how miserable she’s become so she tries to turn the neighborhood against them and have Kimmy evicted for having loud sex with…

3. Duane

Ah Duane, the man of one word…but give him a sonnet and suddenly he transforms into William Shakespeare. We all know that Duane was a real dud, but Gibbler is no walk in the park and I think they meshed together quite nicely. Opposites attract, right? Duane and Gibbler almost got married in Vegas until Gibbler realized she didn’t want to end up like Kathy Santoni, ZING. Duane didn’t end up going into the plumbing biz with his dad, became Kimmy’s main squeeze again and teaches poetry at the University of San Fran, Professor Hamlet and Cheese style. He still wears a backwards hat real well.

4. Gia

Gia started out as a real chain-smoking, class-cutting badass betch. Then Stephanie befriended her and taught her how to be nice while still maintaining an edgy aura. Gia was the BFF that every girl needs—she hosts the makeout parties at her mom’s apt, makes Steph lie about her age to meet cute guys at the mall and wears a crop top like nobody’s biz. The good news is that every girl needs a ride or die and Gia is still Steph’s. While Steph is helping DJ raise her kids, Gia is guitarist and singer in the band Girl Talk and she’s a famous AF rockstar. You might remember Girl Talk as the disaster band with her, Gibbler, and Steph in the past but Gia’s super mature now and she got disciplined, learned to play more than Ace of Base and rebooted the band. Gia’s basically the T. Swift of San Fran now and every once in a while brings Steph out on the scene so they can act young and reckless.

5. Tommy Page

Speaking of musicians, Tommy Page is still trying to hack it as dreamboat singer but he’s pushing it, age-wise. It’s no longer approps for him to show up at a 13 year old’s birthday party and serenade her with “You’re what dreams are made of, you’re the girl I love.” Seriously, that didn’t raise any red flags? Even though Tommy is old now, he can still get it so him and Gia hook up occasionally but it’s super casj. Tommy kicks it with the gang sometimes but will never let DJ forget about the time that he saw baby pictures of her naked and almost puked. Steph and Deej almost puke when they think about how they fought over T.Page.

6. Walter

Walter may have been ridiculed for his duck face in school but he obviously overcame the teasing to become an accountant. He does Stephanie’s taxes every year and uses this time to try and win her back to become Mrs. Duckface. She responds by throwing quackers at him. Just kidding. Sort of. He got really hot though. Just kidding again.

7. Rusty

RUSTY, THE RUST-MAN, RUSTYVISION, the CLASSIC prankster. Writing anonymous love letters, putting green dye in the shampoo bottle, tying the tablecloth to someone’s belt, loosening the salt shaker, the ole colored trick gum and kaleidoscope ink ring…WHAT a little asshole this kid was. You know what asshole kids grow up to be? Asshole adults. Rusty was the president of his frat in college and spent five years drawing dicks on pledge’s faces when they passed out after too many Natty Ice’s. Rusty is now the bartender at the Smash Club where the girls still go to cut loose and get away from their kids. Sometimes Steph and Rusty BOMO (blackout makeout.)

8. Derek

Should Michelle ever return to the show—and I really need her to… she’ll bring Derek back with her. Derek was part of Michelle’s inner crew when she got a little older and a lot less adorable cause she couldn’t get away with saying things like AW, NUTS or YOU GOT IT, DUDE. Anyway, Derek was known for ripping the role of Yankee Doodle from Michelle (kid was born to be a star) but they moved past it and it’s a good thing, too cause now Derek is Michelle’s gay BFF. He’s cool, he’s fashionable and he’s on Broadway. He’ll tell it like it is and I think that’s just what Michelle needs right now if they don’t do a quick makeover to the Olsen twins pre-comeback. Plus he’s got a killer six pack. Eye candy whaddupp.

9. Stavros

Jesse’s greek cousin who came to visit, tried to pork Becky and steal everyone’s money for a fake landslide ended up banished from America. BUT recently he convinced the Tanners that he had turned his life around in Greece and they should come visit. They all go visit for a family vacation every year and stay in Stavros’s greek villa because he’s a famous fashion designer now. He designs suspenders and is married to a Becky lookalike. Don’t eva change, Stavros.

10. Aaron

Last but not least, Aaron the meanest bully ever. Most well known for his sexism and sneering everything he says, Aaron was kind of a turd. However, you know what they say, if the boy is picking on you it’s probably because he likes you. Well, Aaron has been in love with Michelle ever since she let Dave the bird free in pre-school and he narc’ed on her to the teacher. They’ve been dating on and off since college and every time he pinches her she pinches him right back. #Feminism. Realistically Aaron’s probably a terrible boyfriend but I just want to see how a kid who yells shit like: “This fridge is a joke! No Ding-Dongs, no Ho-Ho’s, no Nutty Buddy’s… it’s bone-dry!” turns out.

I’m obviously missing some greats–who would you like to see in Fuller House? Also should John Stamos or any of the EP’s see this post, I can start working on the show ASAP, you just let me know when you want to fly me out.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Storm Has Just Begun”

Apparently Xtina had a little time between being being self-appointed captain of the Boys Club on The Voice and moving her hands in the air as she wails onstage because she’s back for more this week and it looks like next week too. Oh, goody. This week she has black hair, which really compliments her black face. No seriously, who applied her self tanner, is that even legal to show on TV? She kicks it with Luke a lot and we find out that the reason for this is because she wants to make a country album and also she’d like for him to go Wheels Up all over her body. Luke says no thank you to the record deal but yes please to the wheels up. But not before Jade and Layla become BFF’s and team up against raging B Juliette.

Juliette returns from LA casj as can be and when Avery’s mom tries to hand her daughter over, Juliette does the Heisman on dat hoe and mutters some bullshit excuse about them looking comfy. She gets ready to leave again for her fundraiser where she’s hoping to make a comeback and pretend she didn’t push a baby out of her vag a mere weeks ago. At the fundraiser, Juliette goes on a rampage and starts feuding with Jade because Jade defends Layla. When the bidding starts for the live performance, Jade shells out $500K just to hear Layla sing. JK, she does it just to bitch slap Juliette with her money. Guess what? It works. Win, win for all of us is that they skip over Layla singing (because no one cares) and we just get to see a pop vs. country showdown just short of a hoedown. (That doesn’t make ANY sense but it rhymes. Nailed it.)

Notably missing from this big charade of a fundraiser is Rayna, Maddie, Deacon & Scarlett who are all in the hospital because Deacon is getting a new liver. The Rayna James Fam Squad was set to open the fundraiser singing This Time and although we saw a snippet of them rehearsing like the Partridge Family, happy as clams, they have to peace before the actual performance. (THANK GOD FOR MY EARS. THAT SONG SUCKS.) In their absence, Teddy and Luke bond over the I Hate Deacon (But Not Enough To Wish Death Upon Him) Fan Club and Teddy asks Luke if he’ll step in and duet with Daphne since she got the shaft like she always does because her sister is a melodramatic whiny teen with a big shadow. My all time favorite moment of the night (maybe this season? Bold statement) is when Daphne takes the stage with Luke and they sing Have A Little Faith In Me and she knocks it outta the park and is cute as shit. MORE DAPHNE, STAT!! I DEMAND it.

At the hospital, everything runs smooth as buttah, Deacon gets a fresh liver and then wakes up and him and Rayna write a duet about it with Maddie harmonizing as backup vocals. NAHT. Turns out Deacon is running a baby fever so they need to run tests AKA Deacon might lose the liver because we need to REAALLLYY drag this out. As Doc says “We’re going to sort this out as fast as we can.” Are ya, though, Doc? Are ya? Scarlett asks Dr. Hottie to just sweep it under the rug and snake that liver to Deacon no matter what. Hey guess what, with that, their relationship is now dead. Not that it was really going anywhere anyway. Then Doc’s all, hey everyone, it was just a sinus infection, lawls, take some Nyquil and let’s get you that liver! But then in true beating a dead horse fashion, Houston we have a problem…the liver was harvested and might have bits of cancer in it so DEACON IS STILL DYING (probably until the season finale.) Deacon, Maddie and Rayna all sob and pray to Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior that he makes it through. I think I speak for everyone when I say OH COMEEEEE ONNNNNNN.

Lots of tears this episode as Jade also gets all boo-hoo because Juliette told her she doesn’t belong in Nashville but don’t worry because Luke takes her to the Bluebird and random man onstage asks her up to sing and she’s like oh I don’t know, I’m terrified, OH OK. She sings a Luke song like the kiss-ass that she clearly is. At first she sounds like Britney in her Crossroads era getting up to do I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman (not a compliment) but with the help of her duet buddy it gets a lot better. Coincidentally Jade is wearing the same mini jean jacket that Xtina wore to the ACM’s on Sunday to perform with Rascal Flatts. Cause apparently pop star puts on a denim jacket made for a doll and BAM she’s country. Jade sashays that jean bolero back to her hotel room where the MOST AWKWARD kiss ensues between her and Luke. She confesses she used to kiss his poster from Y-14 magazine before bed every night until her sparkle lip gloss bled through the thin magazine paper and Luke is like let’s try it as humans instead and she says that’d be crazy great. CRAZY. GREAT. Girl go into hiding that’s so embarrassing you don’t even deserve to be smooched let alone boned.

Welp, that pretty much sums it up…what do we think will happen next week? Will Layla go on tour with Jade even though Jeff who acts like her dad but then tongues her FORBID her from going? Will Juliette continue to lie awake in bed plotting new ways to smother her newborn? Will Scarlett and Gunnar keep do-si-do-ing around the eventual bang sesh that will result from them dueting again? Will Daphne move in with Teddy because she doesn’t point out that she has two dads every second of her life like her obnoxious sister? Are Will and his boy toy going to keep shacking up for days in secret after Will barfed up all his feelings? MOST importantly, did I see a sneak peek of Colt giving Ms. Maddie the business? STAY TUNED.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: When Fordham sees Juliette at the fundraiser and says, “Been a while, when you gonna have that baby.” YES, bring back sassy Jeff, get rid of sulking scorned lover Jeff.

The Salty Ju

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