As Told By You’re Invited to Mary Kate and Ashley’s Sleepover Party

Do: Bring a sleeping bag. Old school sleepovers were nothin without a hardcore camping sleeping bag that was completely unnecessary for your BFF’s finished basement with a flat screen TV. It was all about the vibe of camping out on the floor. My sleeping bag was neon green and bright blue with a built in pillow. It served no purpose other than to blind people and I was physically unable to fold it back up after a sleepover so I would drag it out to my mom’s Dodge caravan the next day for her to clean up that disaster.

Don’t: Bring your entire 9 year old’s wardrobe complete with hat boxes. Hey Cara, you’re heading over to a friend’s house 3 streets over, not traveling with your husband and three kids on the Mayflower in search of the Promise Land. Let’s ease up on the hat boxes, ok? Nothing worse than an over-packer when your whole wardrobe consists of overalls and jean vests.

Do: Talk About Your Dog Everyone loves dogs, this is scientific fact. If someone has a fuzzy, cuddly puppy put near them and doesn’t immediately grab it to snuggle, there is something wrong with them. Half the time slumber party activities just consist of playing with the family dog.

Don’t: Bring a framed picture of your dog and cuddle with said frame at night. If you attend a slumber party and your only possession is an 8×10 frame of your Golden Retriever that you don’t let out of your sight, you probably have some issues. It’s one thing to love all up on dogs and miss your own, it’s a whole other ball game to be physically unable to spend a night away from your dog unless you’re cheek is stuck to a glass framed picture of it, Brighton.

Do: Dance-off Whether you’re pre teen or hitting up the clubs, dance-off’s will never go out of style. The benefit to doing it when you’re a grown up is you can blame the alcohol when you pull out a risky move and everyone thinks it’s suuupes embarrassing. PJ dance parties were great pre-boozin too cause you could ALWAYS count on Vanessa to have the freshest moves. (Direct quote, were they legit allowed to say that?)

Don’t: Tell your friends you can’t dance, you’re already the weird one (I’m lookin at you buzzcut Cara) Look, you basically moved into your friend’s house for the next three hours with your collection of hats dating back to WWI and then Vanessa tells you to try the running man and you can’t hang? Someone should’ve slipped Cara a little bit of vodka in her root beer float. NEVER admit to your gurlz that you don’t have the moves, it’s a weakness they’ll hone in on during future middle school dances when they put you in the middle of a circle. DARE TO DANCE, BABY. DON’T BE A SCAREDY CAT.

Do: Hand jives and hair braiding. The things that the Olsen’s nailed were these two classic girl activities. Throw a little Miss Mary Mack and hair playing in the mix and you’ve got a golden night.

Don’t: Pillow fights. Listen, I get that the pillow fight is not only the given slumber party game but also the pinnacle of every man’s fantasy. Guess what, pillow fights SUCK. There is nothing enjoyable about some catty betch channeling her hate by wailing on you with her extra firm pillow. HAHA IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES until Tiff tries to decapitate you.

Do: Eat a bunch of garbage. When you’re 11-14 years old your metabolism is ON FLEEK. (Did I say that right?) This is the ultimate time to toss handfuls of sour patch kids down the hatchet like it’s a garbage disposal because you won’t get fat, you’ll just get more energy, which is EXACTLY what you want at a slumber party because there’s so many activities on the agenda. Plus sleepovers usually contain movie times and movie snacks are the BOMB.com.

Don’t: Ruin a perfectly good pizza by putting all that garbage on top of it. The Olsens might’ve coined the coolest song related to Pizza ever, but don’t be fooled because the ingredients that they were jamming about adding to their pizza straight up RUINED IT. They took a perfectly good large cheese and then decided to add pasta, meatloaf, fish sticks, mashed potatoes, ketchup…pretty much everything that a lunch lady would serve and cause you to upchuck on your keds. WOOF. This pizza blows. But damnit that song is fire flames. (PS You guessed it, Cara continues to prove she’s the friend who probably gets bullied at school…)

Do: Play dress up and make a music video I think probably one of my favorite staples of sleepovers is picking a favorite overplayed pop song, rolling your scented body glitter all over your chest, putting on a cami to show off said body glitter and making up a choreographed dance with your gal pals to be recorded on a camcorder and buried in a capsule of mortifying things. Thank GOD I had so many hairbrushes in my kit n’ caboodle otherwise what would we have ever used as microphones?

Don’t: Paint your faces to be terrifying and sing creepy songs I can’t think of any circumstance where it’s ok to sit your hosts down and tell them to watch you paint your face like a bunch of nightmares, amp up the crazy eyes and sing in sketchy voices about black cats, ghouls and haunted mansions. If I were MK&A I’d kick these bitches out, stat. NO THANKS. (PS I seriously still cannot watch this scene of a movie meant for 9 year olds by myself, had to fast forward for fear of losing sleep.)

Do: Flirt with your friend’s hot older brother and his crew Being the dweeb kid sister’s friend with the watermelon colored braces and yet still openly flirting with the hot older bro is what real bravery is. Older bros and their friends are cool without even trying, like when they walk into the house blaring techno beats from the boombox on their shoulder grabbing some chow from the fridge. Trent ❤

Rollerblades slung over the shoulder, SO COOL IT HURTS.

Don’t: Recycle your scary performance for them and make them shit their pants. Seriously this scene did NOT need a reprisal especially in front of your dream boyfs. What a boner kill for Trent & his bruhs to see these girls dressed up like a House of Freaks. A for effort to the boys for trying to get some screams first but then the Olsen Twins stepped straight out of a horror flick and made Trent poop himself with jazz hands.

Do: Play video games Video games can be fun when for a hot sec but real talk: board games were more fun, especially when it was Dream Phone. Oh, what’s that, a mystery guy won’t stop calling you until you find out which one he is? Story of my life, amirite? Hint: his name is Josh and he’s waiting for you at the mall food court. 90’s girl board games were the closest things we had to boyfriends so they were ultimately superior to video games.

Don’t: Watch other people play video games What’s the point of going over to someone else’s house to watch them play video games? If I were these chicks I would’ve let the Olsen’s go on a video monster binge and gone looking for Trent and the boyz, WINK. Cara seems pretty into it though, go figure.

Do: Try to stay up all night I distinctly remember one of my first sleepovers where we all agreed to stay up all night and had an actual countdown to midnight then immediately passed out because we made it until morning. And yet 7AM hit and we were up and ready for pancakes. What a BAMF life. Getting turnt up on popcorn and Darryn’s Dance Grooves then crashing in the wee hours of midnight.

Don’t: Be the first to fall asleep like a square. Hard and fast rule that if you’re the first to fall asleep you’re a real loser. Also, the rest of the slumber party will use that time to talk shit about you and MAYBE put your hand in a glass of warm water so you pee your sleeping bag. When the Olsens’ sleepover party was winding down they took a poll on if they should stay up all night and all the girls were like YAAASSS and Ashley pulled the CLASSIC “I’m not tired if you’re not tired.” They got scared about their parents finding out they stayed up to watch the midnight news, sang a song, then Vanessa opened herself up to ridicule when she conked out first. Brighton was next and asked them to wake her if anything fun should happen. HEY BRIGHTON, IF YOU DON’T WANNA MISS FUN STUFF YOU STAY UP ALL NIGHT LIKE A COOL KID. The twins stay up the latest, obv.

In closing…

Shout out to my girl Vicki for sending this to me because it’s the greatest creation ever.