Television

The Andy Milonakis Show

So there are things that you think are really funny when you’re younger, especially in the pre-teen phase and you look back on them once you’re an “adult” and wonder why the hell you ever laughed at it. I’ve recently discovered that I don’t ever look back and think something was immature/unfunny. For example–when my dad asked where the deoderant aisle was in Target the other night and I replied with “up your butt and around the corner” then laughed about it for 5 minutes afterward. That was a middle school phrase, I believe…back when it was still taboo to say butt at school and yet here I am at 24 laughing like a maniac about a sentence that doesn’t even make sense but uses the word butt and therefore is hilarious. I guess this rant is bringing me to the fact that I used to watch The Andy Milonakis Show religiously and just recently I stumbled upon something that reminded me to look it up again and found myself still laughing along to a fully grown man-boy terrorizing deliverymen and old NYC residents. Therefore I decided to point out the best gags from this show that I still find funny (and still reference)–and if you’re a mature human being you will absolutely hate this blog…and Schmandy Schmiloshmakis.

For the record I once knew every single word to this theme song. I think it was cooler back in the day though.

Coupon Lady

In this prank he orders chinese then when the deliveryman shows up Andy declares that he has a coupon and out comes a 90 year old woman wearing a sash that says coupon and she just proceeds to shout in her crusty voice, “I am the coupon!” Coupon is already a weird mom word but ever since this skit I can’t hear the word coupon without instantly transforming into a walking discount.

couponlady

Wubbie, Wubbie.

Watch 2:22-2:36

Wubbie was Andy’s dog who unfortunately had to put up with a lot but actually did very little in the show–except for when she had telekinesis for a hot second. I hope to one day have my own show where I can get paid to shout at my dog in a high-pitched baby voice. Mostly because this is already how I interact with any dog, stranger or not. They probably also imagine shooting me when I force cuddles and delfies. Fun fact though, my family dog Casper got nicknamed Wubbie after this show came out because we thought it was an A+ pet name. May he R.I.P. See below for the time we shoved his fluffy body into a polo and he gave us some serious side eye. Oh, wubbie, wubbie, schmubbie…

I was about to say that. (Watch here.)

Some of Andy’s best work was when he hit the streets and mocked strangers. This bit was where he would ask random people questions then finish their sentences and say he was going to say the exact same thing. There’s no quicker way to irritate people than to repeat everything they’re saying, unless of course you do it while they’re talking and insist that you were going to say it first. It’s genius.

Have a nice day.

Another street number, Andy would hand out balloons and say depressing things then tell people to have a nice day. It was usually old people he interacted with and you could tell they had no idea what was going on and probably thought this was a sad 12 year old boy, which made it even better. Props to the salty guy who admitted he also had no soul. Did they just become BFFs?

haveaniceday

Smelly Eggs (Watch here.)

Andy sometimes did the character “Muti” representing a Jewish grandmother and instead of S’s he blew out of his nose. No seriously, that was it. And it made me giggle. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

I HOPE YOU FEEL STUPIDER. HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!!

Television

Fall 2015 Primetime TV Guide

The bad news is that most of you probably have jobs and don’t have time to watch endless hours of TV pilots and decide if something’s worth watching. The GREAT news is that I currently am without that little thing called employment and therefore have loads of time on my hands to consume all the new TV that fall has to offer. That’s precisely what I did for a full day of couch surfing so that I could deliver an unbiased (a little biased) guide on what to watch and what to skip this year in premiere primetime TV. It was really hard.

SKIP:

muppets

The Muppets, ABC Tuesdays 8P

Seriously I would like to look the creator of this show in the eye and just ask why. I didn’t watch it because I can’t bear to put myself through an hour of adult sesame street. If you would like to watch a bunch of cartoon characters hang out, by all means watch this show, otherwise just continue living your life and wait until it eventually goes away.

besttimeever

Best Time Ever Live with Neil Patrick Harris, NBC Tuesdays 10p

I started this one with an open mind, and gleeful memories of Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson, the most ridiculous character ever. Unfortunately I couldn’t even get through the whole first episode. It was bad, like really bad. He uses his Hollywood connects for celebrity guest appearances and the whole thing plays out like a game show bringing in audience members and people on their couches at home for contests and games. It’s too much, like he’s trying to jam an awards show hosting gig of punchlines and gags into an hour each week. Also Perez Hilton was in the first show’s live audience wearing pink jeans and that’s right about when I checked out.

codeblack

Code Black, CBS Wednesdays 10p

Here’s a generic medical drama where there are fresh doctors to be taught and everyone has a sneaky past that comes out piece by piece in each episode as they all get to know each other. No huge star power in this show except for Marcia Gay Harden who’s the leading veteran doctor. The unique aspect of the pitch is that this particular hospital is for emergency medicine and therefore the pressure is higher to be bomb.com. There was A LOT of blood in the first episode and also there’s not enough attractive doctors to keep me hooked. I give this a bleh rating especially with the amount this genre is played out.

rosewood

Rosewood, FOX Wednesdays 8p

Typical cop drama, Rosewood is a pathologist and his partner is a hot Latina detective with deeper issues. It’s set in Miami and kind of gives off a Bones meets CSI Miami vibe as far as genre goes but full disclosure I didn’t watch an entire episode. I watched like 20 minutes and it was lame. Rosewood questions the detective’s skills and there’s a lot of sexual tension. I don’t think it will last very long in my very expert opinion.

bloodoil

Blood & Oil, ABC Sundays 9p

I actually planned to start watching this show and marked the premiere on my calendar…mostly for Chace Crawford. Unfortunately I was suuuuuupes disappointed. Essentially a Dallas knockoff with worse acting, this soap opera-y take on the oil industry will essentially be a formula of sex and backstabbing every week. I normally would be down with that since I don’t need smart TV to feel less guilty about watching a show, but the acting is like new levels of horrendous. Chace and his wife are real awkward and try to make up for lack of acting skill by kissing a lot. It’s all the cringes. If you’re looking for some mindless TV where you can watch hot people bang each other then by all means tune in, I think I’m going to sit this one out because I actually found a lot of winners in the new crop of shows as displayed below…

WATCH:

lifeinpieces

Life In Pieces, CBS Mondays 830P

A sitcom about a family with adult children and all of their various sub-family plots, this show probably won’t last very long due to the nature of how quickly generic sitcoms get axed, HOWEVER I watched two episodes and it did make me laugh out loud a few times. One son is in his late thirties and lives with his parents, his sister is married with three kids–one who is about to go to college and his brother is married with a fresh baby. Fans of New Girl will notice that the actress who played Fawn Moscato is the new mom and her interpretation of what happens after you have a baby is hilarious, and also terrifying. The miracle of ruined vaginas, if you will. Each member of the family has their hot mess qualities and they all feed off of each other when in the same room, episodes are broken up by “stories” to follow each family’s issues.

Watch if you like: Modern Family

grandfathered

Grandfathered, FOX Tuesdays 8P

Obviously this has been promoted endlessly because it’s John Stamos and he happens to have built-in PR people, also known as his Full House castmates. I was a little disappointed in this because I expected to laugh a lot but I found that most of the scenes were already shown in clips or teasers. It holds promise, though and that’s why it’s on the watch list. The pilot begins with John Stamos examining his hair and it quickly becomes clear that he’s playing bachelor Uncle Jesse and I can always get down with any facet of Uncle Jesse. He finds out he has a son and granddaughter and becomes involved in their lives immediately. There are a lot of current jokes including a knock at Buzzfeed listicles and I can see how this might grow. Bonus: You know you’ll see at least Dave Coulier and Bob Saget do guest spots, because when you get a show, you hire your friends.

Watch if you liked: Full House, The Mindy Project (current pop culture humor)

grinder

The Grinder, FOX Tuesdays 830P

Again, judging just from the pilot it was a little lackluster but there’s potential to blossom. Rob Lowe and Fred Savage are brothers, Rob just finished a long running TV series where he played a lawyer and Fred is an actual lawyer who happens to have a serious case of stage fright. Feeling lost after ending the series, Rob’s character sticks around trying to find what to do next and ends up wanting to become a lawyer and outshining his brother in the courtroom because he has a dazzling personality. What I liked about the show is that Rob Lowe is doing what he did while playing Chris Traeger in Parks & Rec–poking fun at himself by being so over the top and it works. Fred Savage’s wife and kids add humor with their different personalities and how they patronize his character for being such a wiener.

Watch if you liked: Franklin & Bash, Parks & Rec

screamqueens

Scream Queens, FOX Tuesdays 9P

Fox made itself a spicy little Tuesday night lineup, and I’m not just saying that because I used to work for them. This show was highly anticipated because it’s a Ryan Murphy creation (the male Shonda Rhimes) and it has big names involved i.e. Jamie Lee Curtis, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ariana Grande, Lea Michele, etc. I was a little weary to watch it because I am not a person who likes to shit her pants while watching TV alone out of fear, but I decided to give it a shot because it was buzzed about so much. The show itself has great writing and acting. There’s a lot of sassy dialogue from characters who are making fun of themselves and today’s world– like when a character gets murdered and sends a tweet while she’s bleeding out. Essentially it follows a corrupt and terrible sorority where bitches are getting slayed left and right by a masked killer, taking all that’s cheesy from horror movie “Scream” and poking fun at it. Since we’re in a trust tree here, I’ll admit that I did jump a few times and want to cover my eyes when there were some bloodier scenes. All in all I would say it goes more for humor and entertainment, less for terrifying.

Watch if you like: Glee (for the funny dialogue, not as much for the singing), Difficult People

blindspot

Blindspot, NBC Mondays 10p

A show I would normally never watch and yet it’s good. Like really good. Following a woman who was dropped in the middle of Times Square and erased of all memory, the FBI works with her to figure out who she is. Her body is covered in fresh tattoos that are essentially clues to various things. The first one solved was for a terrorist attack and the show is set up like a puzzle to figure out who this chick is and how she got here. She’s supes attractive and the lead detective on the case is a hot piece with dazzling eyes so I don’t doubt for a second that they will be getting to know each other biblically but there’s a lot of mystery and little pieces being thrown out just in the first episode, so it’s definitely a show you’ll need to pay attention for. It personally gave me too much anxiety to regularly watch but it’s well done if it’s your type of show.

Watch if you like: The Blacklist

quantico

Quantico, ABC Sundays 10p

A similar keep-you-on-your-toes vibe, this one surprised me especially since I hated Blood & Oil so much and those two are paired in a lineup for Sunday nights. Quantico is a place where FBI agents are sent to be trained and the show works on flashbacks based on mostly the perspective of one girl who is being framed for a terrorist attack. The first five minutes give us a steamy car sex scene between two of the FBI trainees and then I didn’t take one note for the rest of the episode, so clearly it was riveting. It’s less intense than Blindspot and you probably shouldn’t watch it if you’re a nervous nellie because it deals with corruption in the FBI and terrorists infiltrating our country. Yikes…but like, with really hot people.

Watch if you like: Grey’s Anatomy (before Shonda killed everyone important)/anything Shondaland, Revenge

Not Yet Premiered:

truthbetold

Truth Be Told, NBC Premieres Friday 10/16 830P

Though it hasn’t premiered yet, I’ll give this one a shot because it stars Mark Paul Gosselaar and I give him a chance every time. I mean seriously, his track record is Saved by the Bell and Franklin & Bash, how bad could it possibly be? Also don’t answer that just yet, because it got the Friday night death slot and we might not see it for very long.

drken

Dr. Ken, ABC Premieres Friday 10/2 8P

While watching endless episodes on demand I saw a handful of promos for this show. Normally I would write it off because in my humble TV experience shows that focus on a comedian end up trying way too hard to mimic what Seinfeld did and they fail miserably…but Ken Jeong is so outrageous as a comedic actor that I found myself laughing at the previews. I mean he put his daughter’s skinny jeans on. Can you imagine if your dad did that? Anyway, I might give this one the ole pilot try as well even though it’s another Friday night doomed, roof stoof.

Each show on this list is only a couple episodes in at most, so it’ll be easy to catch up and get hooked! Hope this guide was helpful, if it wasn’t then just appreciate the fact that it’s all I have to show for a day where I was in perfect health and still laid on the couch watching TV for 12 consecutive hours. #IDoItForTheBlog

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

Last night’s episode should have been called “How Rayna Got Her Groove Back.” It starts out somewhat dreary when Deacon would rather hang out with a half-conscious Bev than bang, bang, bangity bang his fiancé and then a random old man we’ve never heard of before drops out of Highway 65. But Rayna does not fret over the silver cowboy; it just gives her motivation to harness that hair full of secrets and sign a new piece of man meat.

Meanwhile, Juliette’s next tour stop is Nashville and obviously that means she has to see that family she pretends to have. Avery drops in at the house (baby in tow) only to find Juliette amidst a full-blown high school rager. His entrance is about as welcome as the Manlius cops breaking up a low-key game of beer pong with taser guns. (I clearly grew up on the rough side of the tracks.) Anyway Juliette kicks everyone out then tries to tell Avery that she loves him and the **deep swallow to mask her disgust** child. She manages to hold it without throwing things or screaming then puts it down for sleepy times so she can smooch Avery and pretend nothing even happened.

I wish nothing even happened between Garlett (work in progress) because their awksies is getting real annoying. They have a photo shoot where they stand on opposite sides of the room and radiate uncomfies. The only bright side is that Scarlett wears a boobalicious black gown instead of the typical castaways from Mary Kate Olsen’s closet that she usually wraps herself in like a wandering bird lady.

Unfortunately she quickly covers the beautiful fitted dress with a drapey, baggy sweater to kick it in the hospital with Bev, who is now alert and speaking. Her daughter and bro are overwhelmed with joy while Rayna can’t even hide the look of panic in her eyes when she sees that Bev has clawed back from the grave to take the fame that she deserves. Bev takes these fleeting moments of life to show that her head injury buzz cut has humbled her and she doles out advice about Scarlett’s dating life and apologizes for being a dirt bag mom.

Deacon still won’t leave Bev’s side so Rayna goes to the girl’s talent show by herself and as the Little Conrad’s sing a tribute to their fave band “Boulevard”, Mamma Ray is like that’s cute girls, I’m going to cash in on your favorite band breaking up by poaching the lead singer to save Highway 65. And she heads off to do just that, on a commercial flight to NYC.

Poor, sad, Avery just wants his family back and can’t see that his trainwreck of a wife is using him and whats-her-name for red carpet publicity. The infant screams through Juliette’s entire performance—which is pretty snotty because the song is actually a good one. Not everyone can be as talented as The Wiggles, so Cadence should stop being such a pretentious music snob. Ever the closeted post-partum sufferer, Juliette keeps it together onstage even though I probably would’ve dropkicked the child who dared to offer back-up wails without approval. Juliette tries to prove she can mom so hard by changing the diaper backstage in her sparkly getup. Unfortunately Cadence had a real dumpfest in her diaper and pretty much drove her mom to run away and throw out her cell phone. Maybe she should lay off of the strained peas if she wanted to keep a mother. But in all seriousness, can somebody put this baby to bed?! No wonder it won’t shut the F up, it’s front row at a concert past it’s bedtime with a diaper full of shit. Anyway, Juliette’s mama bear act is OVAH just as quickly as she can charter a private jet and get a new number.

In exciting new man meat news, Rayna just about clinches the deal with Markus Keen AKA Riley Smith AKA hottie from Disney Channel Original Movie Motocrossed. She becomes every traveler’s worst nightmare yapping for an entire flight but pretty rockstar doesn’t seem to mind because Rayna is flipping her hair and batting her eyelashes to get him to sign country and revive her dying label. Bucky informs her that Keen’s lawyers want millions and full creative control and Rayna tells him to make that deal. Girl may have her groove back but those could be her famous last words. I guess boss bitch Rayna makes Deacon horny because he finally lays it on her when she gets home and promises to stay the night instead of just hitting and quitting like he’s been doing. OBVIOUSLY in that moment Bev’s heart rate decides to take another nosedive and Deacon’s definitely not going to blame sex with Rayna for that or anything. Also not for nothing ya’ll, but it’s time to off Bev. Chase that white light, gurl, you’ve served your greater purpose in saving a beloved character that should’ve never been in danger. Deuces.

Other Things That Happened That Don’t Deserve Complete Paragraphs:

-Some random music exec is the birdie in Luke’s ear all episode telling him to drop Will Lexington and his contagious gayness. According to her, Luke could be the next Jay-Z. Um, exsqueeze me, minor character, do not EVER compare Wheels Up to Hov. Dropping an openly gay artist does not a rap empire make. Also everyone knows there’s no Jay without Bey and if I recall correctly Luke lost his Bey to a guy with a shitty liver. Nice try, though.

-Daphne gets the bitchy bathroom gossip treatment while she’s hiding in the stall. Be more cliché, Nashville.

-Layla the invisible is neglected for an entire episode by everyone who’s paid to care about her and it’s actually hilarious. The only one who seems to care is Glen, who offers to be her manager. Remember Glen? Me neither, if there ever comes a day when I don’t confuse Bucky and Glen I will deserve a pat on the back.

-“It’s not like you guys are saving lives,” Hot doc serving a cold dish of I’m smarter than you to Gunnar and proving what we already suspected, he’s a dick and will be gone soon enough. Don’t get it twisted, Doc, music is more important than meddy-sin in Nashville.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Let Go”

Back in the saddle and only one month has passed since we saw a heart monitor flatline and the writers made Nashies out to be a bunch of gullible dum dums. A fictional month may have passed but they can’t pull the wool over our eyes, although it was pretty entertaining to watch them try.

The episode begins with Juliette working the red carpet for that movie she filmed while she was preggerz and trying to hide it. She is clearly still on the path of ditching motherhood for Hollywood but MORE IMPORTANTLY, her boobs are out of control. No, seriously, I’ve never seen more cleavage from her in one episode, not even when she was 100 months pregnant and had to be pulled out of bed by a crane. Clearly post-baby bod looks hella good on her. But I digress because while she’s living the dream, the writers are in the process of trying to convince us that Deacon died by showing a sad Rayna in an old tee staring mournfully at her daughters and then going to bed alone with a frownie face. As if that wasn’t enough, the next morning she discusses losing Juliette to Wheelin & Dealin Records with Bucky and sighs, “I’ve been doing a lot of letting go lately.” Proud of them for laying it on thick but THEN when you least expect it, Rayna and the girls are visting Aunt Bev in a hospital bed on life support and lookie, lookie what we have here…Deacon sashays into the room looking like a million bucks, obviously, because HE IS VERY MUCH SO ALIVE. He was all, sorry I didn’t come home last night I stayed at Bev’s side. Nice try, turds.

Once I was done being bitter about how outrageous the Deacon saga was, then I could focus on the rest of the episode, which included a lot more of hover-hand Steven Tyler invading Juliette’s personal space than I expected. No seriously, they shared a mic. But before that happened, we checked in with Scarlett & hot doc who I still don’t remember the name of. Apparently one month of living togets and Scarlett has turned into a housewife who dons silky lingerie. Hot doc gifts Scarlett with a vintage necklace to celebrate the fact that she stuck around and with a case of the stutters it becomes very clear that these two probably use the shared bed just for sleeping. Then Scarlett skidaddles over to Gunnar’s house where she pretends that they never smooched and Gunnar is like yeah totes I haven’t been dreaming about it for a month or anything. They sing for a couple minutes then forage each other’s mouths again. Scarlett says no more because she has a boyfriend and he’s safe. Yikes. Sounds like her and hot doc have something really fantastic. Naht.

Another relationship that’s really thriving is Juliette’s and Avery’s. If by thriving we mean Juliette gets hammered every night and Avery is playing Mr. Mom in Ohio, living with the parentals. Juliette calls Rayna sobbing one night after one too many ‘squila shots—we’ve all been there Julez—except when I have too much tequila it’s just a bad decision, when she has too much tequila it probably doesn’t help the rage that she has for her just-born infant that she abandoned like it was no big thang. Juliette continues her descent into asshole-land by ignoring a text from Avery, and verbally assaulting both Rayna and Layla. When she tells Layla, “I didn’t think I could think any less of you but there you go making it happen.” I’m like damn, go after the jugular, knock some sense into that sad, sad Fordham-lovin-girl. But when she tells Rayna that her label’s a joke I have the urge to give her a swift bitch slap. Fortunately Rayna handles that for me when she smoothly fires back with, “You break my heart, girl. I swear you do.” YOU DON’T EVER BREAK MISS RAYNA JAMES’ HEART. YOU GONN’ LEARN, GRRRL. What breaks my heart is that Rayna doesn’t know the number one rule of being famous is never googling yourself. She does that on the plane ride back to Nashville and really piles on the hate parade for Highway 65. Fingers crossed she gets her fire back right quick.

Someone who hasn’t lost her angsty teenage fire for one beat is Maddie, of course. A month is not nearly long enough for a teen girl to mature. Teddy sends the girls letters from the big house and Maddie throws hers right in the garbage. Teddy is a criminal and doesn’t even know how to play guitar so as far as Maddie’s concerned, he sooooks. Daphne takes it upon herself to scoop that letter right out of the trash and do a little eavesdropping (a little sister after my own heart.) Deacon walks in on Maddie trying to rip Daphne’s arms off and breaks up the sis fight but Daphne takes a page right out of Maddie’s book and shouts “You’re not my real dad!” and stomps up the stairs. Maddie tries to reason with Deacon and suggest that if he marries Rayna, Daphne won’t be able to say things like that. One would think the child of Rayna James would know better at this point but just to make it clear…marriage doesn’t make a dad and judging by the amount of stepdads these two almost had after slutty post-divorce Rayna, Daphne can very much say such things whenever she damn well pleases. #TeamDaphne.

In the last few minutes, we see Scarlett tell hot doc she loves him, instead of confessing to her tongue’s extra-currics, Juliette looks at pictures of Avery & spawn probably wishing she were less hungover and her better half decides to move his infant in with Gunnar and Will. Cause nothing says raising a child quite like having bro roommates. Full House: Nashville edition, anyone? What kind of wacky antics will these three goons get into, I wonder. Will they write some songs about changing diapers? Only time will tell.

Things that don’t matter yet:

– There’s a new hot guy working with Jeff to cage Layla in and “manage” the tour. And so begins my favorite game…WHO WILL HE BANG?! Spin the wheel, folks!

-Deacon is an ugly crier. This isn’t relevant to anything. It just needed to be said.

-Bev is coming back to life. Ugh. Why.

-Will does the greasy Abe shut-in thing for a while as the label punishes him for coming out but then he gets even more sad when he realizes he hates gay bars and DOESN’T BELONG.

-Layla still sux and leaves Jeffy Fordz the neediest teary voicemail I’ve ever heard begging him to tell her she’s #1 where it counts. No girl, you’re not.

Television

Emmy’s 2015 Recap

If I didn’t have boozy root beer to get me through last night’s awards, I would have absolutely snoozed right through them. There were not enough SNL cast members bits and Andy Samberg told a bunch of dad jokes. If you didn’t catch my Red Carpet blog, I’ll just play my tiny violin one more time when I announce that simply by staying hydrated, I quite possibly ended the life of my fairly new Macbook. Come hell or high water though, I couldn’t let my thousands of screaming fans down and so I busted out the ole quill and ink during the show last night and took notes on some parchment paper… then my friend Lindsey lent me her laptop for the eve so I could deliver the goods. Someday she’ll receive royalties for this…today’s not that day. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure everyone properly ‘preciated the dedication I have to being the saltiest of Ju’s.

Lows:

-We have an immediate low when Andy Samberg kicks off the show with “Justin Timberlake is not going to be here, let’s get that out of the way.” WHAT AN OUTRAGEOUS LETDOWN. I hated Andy immediately. (FTR there WAS no JT…or JFALL for that matter.)

-Andy did two musical bits that made me want to slice my ears right off, the opener where he was a smelly underground creature who binge-watched every show and the unfortunately bloody “Emmy’s Can Kill” number later in the show.

-A pretend beef between Andy and Amy where they just pan to Amy giving a dirty look. This would have been 10,000 times funnier if he was talking and Amy stormed the stage and said ” ANDY, WHAT’S GOOD?”

-John Stamos takes the stage with Gina Rodriguez where they make everyone uncomfy by hitting on each other, I don’t even recall them presenting an award. Although I would give my left leg to have Uncle Jesse get all up on me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

-Empire stars Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard present and ooze the awksies. They try to banter but it’s weird and ends in a cheek smooch not a minute too soon.

-Olive Kitteridge wins 1 trillion awards, which is great for something no one had ever heard of, also sets up Andy for some new dadtastic material:

Olive Kitteridge? Haven't even seen some of Kitteridge. #Emmys

— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) September 21, 2015

-Tracy Morgan makes his comeback to a standing O, gets serious for a minute then quickly says he’s gon get a lot of women pregnant at the after parties. Eeekkk.

-Apple Music debuts a new commercial with Taraji, Kerry Washington and Mary J. Blige where they essentially embody every girls night pregame ever and listen to 90’s hip hop and dance. Stop trying so hard, Apple.

-There’s a quick break for a guy to get onstage and talk about college students and states “Today’s college students are tomorrow’s Emmy winning artists.” This should probably be the tagline of Marist College’s Radio/TV/Film major. Slap that in the brochure. #NotBitterAtAll #PerpetuallyFunemployed

Highs:

-Hollywood’s leading men show us that the Emmy’s aren’t worth picking up the razor for.

-Apparently it was like 1 billion degrees in LA last night and therefore everyone had the shiniest of foreheads. STARS SWEAT JUST LIKE US!

-Andy MOSTLY sucked, but here were his two best one liners, in my honest opinion: “Racism is over. Don’t fact check that,” from his monologue when he talked about how this is the most diverse group of nominees ever. And while introducing Adrian Brody to the stage, “The only person I can stand next to and say I’ve got a cute little button nose.” This was awesome because Brody had to take the stage after hearing that.

-“We Are Amy.” Two funny Amy’s present the first award, get a makeup and hair touchup before taking the stage and then talk about how they’re going to be judged for what they wore (sarrryyy) and how Amy’s going to black out later. Out of all the presenters, these two were best at actually being funny.

-Ricky Gervais uses his time presenting to pretend he won an Emmy since he was snubbed before…this is only funny because everyone hated Ricky and shit all over him when he hosted and he knows it so he milks his stage time just to irritate people.

-James Corden mocks the vote counters of Ernst & Young, then selfies with them.

-Jimmy Kimmel announces that he could easily give the Emmy to whoever he wants, like Joey Tribbiani for example, then eats the card with the winner on it. The only thing that makes this entertaining is that Matt LeBlanc didn’t win and showed that he didn’t love the Friends dig.

-Best moment of the night is obviously awarded to Amy Poehler…in an excrutiatingly boring show, she managed to make me giggle uncontrollably just by throwing on a hoodie and some shades in her DGAF act while being nominated for Parks & Rec. The camera panned to her multiple times for reaction shots and it was gold every single time.

-Regina King wins (I’m guessing it’s a long time coming since she was in A Cinderella Story many moons ago) and her gal pal Taraji presents it then screeches for her. What a ride or die friend.

-Andy Samberg gives out login info for HBO Go, which is nice for people who don’t have HBO and really want to see what this Olive Kitteridge bologna is all about, but what I could really use is a Hulu login for The Mindy Project this season. PS if you missed it: username-khaleesifan3@emmyhost.com, password-password1

-Amy Schumer wins for Inside Amy and is so excited and flustered that she thanks her head writer first who “had a baby like 10 seconds ago” and whoever created her smokey eye. Keep doing you, girl.

-Jon Hamm beached whales it onto the stage for his W, except he looks like a stealth agent instead of a floundering sea urchin like I absolutely would have. He gets real serious after that…BOOOOOO.

-Viola Davis makes history with her win and Taraji hugs the shit out of her proving to be the best hype girl, even when she loses. I would like her to come over and cheer for me as I accomplish day to day tasks.

Full List of Winners:

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Allison Janney, Mom

Comedy Series, Writing: Veep

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Tony Hale, Veep

Guest Actor in Comedy Series: Bradley Whitford, Transparent

Guest Actress in Comedy Series: Joan Cusack, Shameless

Director, Comedy Series: Jill Soloway, Transparent

Lead Actor, Comedy Series: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Lead Actress, Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Reality Competition: The Voice

Writing, Limited Series Drama: Jane Anderson, Out of Carriage

Supporting Actress, Limited Series, Drama: Regina King, American Crime

Director of Limited Series Drama: Olive Kitteridge

Supporting Actor, Limited Series Drama: Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actress, Limited Series Drama: Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actor, Limited Series Drama: Richard Jenkins, Olive Kitteridge

Outstanding Limited Series: Olive Kitteridge

Writing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Sketch: Inside Amy Schumer

Directing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Talk Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Guest Actor, Drama Series: Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards

Guest Actress, Drama Series: Margo Martindale, The Americans

Drama Series, Writing: Game of Thrones

Supporting Actress, Drama: Uzo Aduba, Orange is the New Black

Directing, Drama Series: David Nutter, Game of Thrones

Supporting Actor, Drama: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

Lead Actor, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Lead Actress, Drama: Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder

Outstanding Comedy Series: Veep

Outstanding Drama Series: Game of Thrones

Pop Culture, Television

Tim Riggins for the NFL

5 Reasons Why Riggins Would Be the Best Player in the League

It’s football season again and every year when social media turns into fantasy picks and game commentary, I have a sudden urge to restart Friday Night Lights because I would rather watch Riggins get hammered and tackle the shit out of some high school players than watch real life professional players in our country’s most beloved sport. But whatever, I think choosing FNL over football makes me more patriotic. If Riggs were in the NFL I would probably play closer attention and here’s why I think he would be GREAT as a professional footballer (dare I say, even better than Tom Brady?) It’s a good thing I don’t live in Boston anymore…

PS for the sake of selling the best version of Riggs, we’re gonna go ahead and gloss right over his criminal history.

1. Parties hard, plays hard. There is rarely a time when Riggins is not holding a beer, or fiercely hungover and yet he’s one of the finest athletes on the Dillon Panthers. Could his drinking habits at the age of 17 be seen as alcoholism? Possibly. But Riggs is more of a get home from a long hard day and crack a beer kind of guy rather than funneling before school every morning, so it’s more fun, less debilitating. There’s a lot of guys in the NFL who blow money on booze and drugs to celebrate their cool life, but a lot of them also end up in rehab or fired, Riggs has it under control. He suits up on game day and then hits Smittys or The Landing Strip with the boys to wind down. Even the rally girls know what’s good when they hand him a six pack as a pre-game ritual, instead of baked goods.

2. Loyal to his home state. Tim Riggins IS Texas. All he wants for his life is a piece of land and a good bar to rest his head. Professional athletes get traded or offered a bigger salary to change teams but Riggs would never leave Texas and let down his fans (cough, cough Lebron). Say it with me now…Texas Forever.

leavetexas

3. Charismatic. Look, Tim’s not the sharpest tool in the shed…I guess that’s what tends to happen when you have rally girls do your homework and you take Wednesdays off from school. What he lacks in book smarts (The Scarlett Letter), he makes up for in personality. Riggs is the life of the party and a true entertainer. He could use a little work on his stand up material–i.e. “How about Saracen sleeping with the Coach’s daugher?”–but you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t be riveting in post-game interviews or team press conferences. He wouldn’t show up just so he didn’t get fined…he would put on a show. Can you name anyone else who would tell the school that he’s pregnant and needs a couple of days to relax so he can flip a house with his buddies? Bonus points for creativity.

4. Not a Narc. As a captain of the Dillon Panthers, Riggins was a natural leader. He knew how to motivate his teammates on the field, but also how to get them laid—I’m lookin at you JD. Part of being a team player is not pointing the finger when someone sucks. I think Riggins learned a little bit about that when he oh so casually went to prison for Billy. What a rough time for Tim and his usually luscious locks…but just goes to show how he would rather be locked up than rat on someone, if there were to be say, I don’t know, a cheating scandal in the NFL.

5. Mentor. Under that rough around the edges, boozy playboy exterior is a real heart of gold. Riggins is good with kids and acted as a big brother to that little shit Bo who lived next door. He taught him how to defend himself and how to play football, making him a shoe-in for training camps and charity work in the NFL. Tim also helped out with demon child Gracie Bell when he lived with the Taylors and any interaction with that creature deserves a gold medal. After doing time, he was Uncle Riggs to baby Stevie and it just melted my icy cold heart.

*BONUS* Have you seen him? I get that the NFL is not a modeling agency but it doesn’t hurt, right Eric Decker? I never thought I could be attracted to a man with hair the same length as mine until I laid eyes on Tim Riggins. His flowing lettuce and perfect smile reel in the ladies and I think he would do just fine in sponsorships and product endorsements. Not to mention the bad boy appeal. No more Tom Brady for Uggs…it should be Tim Riggins for Stetson–shirt very optional.

So whatdya say, NFL? Let’s make some memories with Tim Riggins. No regrets.

Television

Reasons You Should Be Watching Difficult People

“Because our lives are garbage and it’s the world’s fault.”

I binged the first five episodes this past weekend and then felt so strongly about this show that I immediately drafted a blog (a little on the tipsy side) to tell you why it’s important to watch Hulu’s new original series Difficult People. I feel like it’s been a beat since I’ve gushed about a TV show and shoved a recommendation down your throat. So please feel free to view the trailer below to get ready for what might be a trainwreck of words beneath it.

Billy Eichner. Billy rose to fame just by shouting at people on a sidewalk and recording it. Please watch Billy on the Street clips or his bit from the Emmy’s below to know how great he is at being a jerk to strangers.
Julie Klausner. Julie used to write Housewives recaps on Vulture and basically inspired me to completely copy her on my own blog by doing Beverly Hills Housewives recaps because she was so funny. Please see below examples of her kind words about Kyle Richards & husband Mauricio:

“Kyle also struck a “silly” pose next to some of the more ribald mannequins because Kyle is a loathsome former child actor who will bark on her hind legs for the attention of a camera lens or a high-status pair of eyeballs. She is a shallow and childish monster, and I hope Brandi stops making nice to this ersatz wretch and her garbage husband tout de suite.”

“Shut up, Maurice, you Ooga Booga dumb-dumb mouth-breather. Take your shirt off and keep your lips zipped. My two cents.”

Amy Poehler produces it. Do you need to be further convinced that everything Amy does is entertaining?
Difficult People pokes fun at millennials in an exaggerated but well-written way. It’s kind of like Girls if the characters in Girls realized how stupid they were being. Julie & Billy are comedians trying to make it big in NYC and their bond is that they’re both pop culture obsessed judgmental people. Their snarky commentary on everyone around them is meant to make them look like assholes but they’re not unlikable characters because they’re self-aware assholes. They’re in on the joke that is our society right now, which leads me to my next point about the controversy of this show.
The Internet haters of Difficult People are outraged about the exact same stuff this show is making fun of and they don’t even know it. In the pilot episode, there’s a scene where Julie tweets that she can’t wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R. Kelly to piss on her. The joke is obviously over the top and making fun of how we idolize celebrity children before they’ve even done anything while at the same time reminding everyone how disgusting R Kelly is. In the episode Julie faces backlash on twitter and decides to delete it. In real life there was the same exact reaction TO A WRITTEN JOKE IN THE SHOW MAKING FUN OF INTERNET OUTRAGE. The show is making fun of how ridiculous people’s sensitive reactions are to everything and then they go ahead and prove it right. Watch Blue Ivy Clip Here Let’s all just hold hands, sing kumbaya and laugh at this show because it’s hilarious. Also shout out to the commenter who left this review on IMDB: “Obnoxious show about chatty egocentric gossip queens.” Nailed it…

BONUS: As most former SNL cast mates’ creations go, there are a fabulous amount of guest appearances including Fred Armisen, Kate McKinnon, Rachel Dratch, Martin Short, etc.

difficult-people

Best episode (so far): “The Children’s Menu”-Episode 5 where Julie and Billy open a restaurant for adults but with only kids menu food and realize they hate children. I’d like to put it on record that if a restaurant for adults called “The Children’s Menu” actually existed I would eat there at least once a week. CHICKEN NUGGETS 4 LYFE. Anyway, Billy and Julie publicly battle a 19-year-old entitled YouTube star and it’s can’t-miss TV.

Music, Television

VMA’s Recap

We’re absolutely getting to the point where I’m too old for the VMA’s and nothing made that more clear than watching the pre-show with a shitload of people I didn’t even know. At least Sway is still around. As a very public Miley Cyrus h8er it pained me to watch a show where she was guaranteed so much screen and mic time. (Plus it created an outrageous number of “You don’t want to miss what Miley does next” teasers before EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK.) But what can I say, I recap for the people so here are your highs and lows of the VMA’s.

Lows:

-MILEY. From the several gag-inducing neon rave outfits (with nothing left to the imagination) to the amount of times she felt it was necessary to remind us she loves pot and the grand finale song about weed/performance that made me want to hurl things at the TV, everything about her as host was AWFUL.

-Macklemore AND RYAN LEWIS reenact their weird AF music video for new song Downtown that still makes my ears bleed out. (Also this gentleman with a ladies’ voice gives me nightmares.)

-Whatever this horrific excuse for a bit was–definitely didn’t offend anyone. Too soon, Rebel, too soon. I’m obviously referring to seeing her in hot pants.

-JBiebz HUUUUUGEEEE comeback sooooooked. He wore a trucker hat and headset like he was a member of N*SYNC but accented that with an oversized tee with leggings like I do when I have my period and I’m bloated, all black cause he has a lot of emotions. Speaking of emotions, he hysterically cries at the end of his garbage can performance, I’m assuming because he realized how terrible his voice is.

-Pharell revives Newsies.

-Kanye’s Video Vanguard speech is so Kanye. Taylor presents the award (for ratings) closing out her very scripted speech with a new version of “I’mma let you finish.” PLAY THIS OUT MORE, MTV. SERIOUSLY. IT’S ONLY BEEN 6 YEARS. Kanye takes the stage and allows everyone to worship him standing O style for a good 15 minutes. He soaks it in silently telling the audience that he’ll TELL THEM when they can stop applauding. Finally he gives their bleeding hands a break by saying “Bro, bro listen to the kids.” Now we’ll go into a segment where I highlight the few things I understood from this speech that went on all night as the uncomfies took over my life and ended with a presidential bid for 2020.

SPEECH HIGHLIGHTS:

-He addresses the audience as Bro or Bruh. If I closed my eyes it was almost as if I was hearing a presidential address from ABROham Lincoln. Chills.

-Yeezy thinks about the 2009 VMA’s when he’s having in-depth juice discussions at Whole Foods.

-Gets boo’ed at baseball games because of his inclination toward Hennessy in 2009.

-He probably regrets wearing a leather shirt more than he regrets ripping the mic out of Taylor’s dainty little hands.

-Thoroughly enjoyed JT’s album entitled “Future Love Sexy Back” AKA “Sexy Back album”

-He watched Justin Timberlake cry at the Grammy’s after losing for aforementioned made up album.

-Kanye pre-gamed this speech with some of Miley’s kush. JUST TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF…CHILL, BRUH.

-Any time he’s at a loss for words he shouts “listen to the kids” which seems like terrible advice since kids are really stupid. Then again…Kanye’s an adult. So–catch 22.

-He doesn’t understand how awards shows work.

-He is running for president in 2020. (CAN YOU IMAGINE KIM KARDASHIAN AS FIRST LADY THOUGH?)

Highs:

-NICK JONAS CROTCH GRAB.

I feel like we didn't talk enough about Nick Jonas' crotch grab during the pre-show. #VMAs pic.twitter.com/vGPXPWKfwi

— Alex Goldschmidt (@alexandergold) August 31, 2015

-The Wildest Dreams video. Obviously. I see what you did there, Tay. You made this video just so you could mack all up on Scott Eastwood. Respect. (Full breakdown of video comin atcha, whether you want it or NAHT.)

-Opening peformance from Nicki Minaj where her RB curtz AND buhhole were politely covered by red feathers. My eyes thank you, Nicki. Tay shoots out of the stage with her infamous erect pageant arm in a matching red number for an over the top beef squashing. Tay sang Bad Blood for a second then they were like LAWLZ JK WE’RE FRIENDS! NO BAD BLOOD HERE!

-Kanye is really into smiling and Taylor Swift’s the SHIT out of audience dancing during “Can’t Feel My Face”. Grey Goose (Marijuana) got the girl feeling loose.

-Nicki wins—stands at the bottom of the steps until Rebel Wilson comes down to get her and then at the end of her acceptance speech decides to take her hoops off and ask Miley WHATS GOOD, BITCH. It’s a good thing Miley is on another stage because she absolutely poops herself and is like heh you know that was taken out of context Nicki, we good, right grrrlll? I get that this was all 100% scripted because Nicki laughed after it but I don’t care one bit because I now know that Miley can dish it but she can’t take it and I would watch Nicki curbstomp her ANY day. CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH GOOOOOOOO!

-Tori Kelly SLAY GIRL SLAY. She wears a skintight sparkly jumpsuit that gives me the tingles and lets that killer voice of hers roar on “Should’ve Been Us”. R.I.P to every other performance because this was the only one worth watching all night. Pure talent. Watch in full here

-Demi Lovato did “Cool for the Summer”, a song that I can take or leave but she looked FAB despite being surrounded by men in neon speedos. Iggy came for a quick rap and also looked gr8, then finished with Demi crowd surfing in an inflatable pool, cause summer.

-Tay wins video of the year for Bad Blood, pretends she knows anything about Straight Outta Compton but then gives us this beautiful quote, “We live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers” promptly followed by Miley’s nipple. That sums up the MTV VMA’s better than anything. Goodnight and good luck to our future as human beings.

Winners:

Best Pop Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Best Male Video-Uptown Funk Mark Ronson Ft. Bruno Mars

Best Hip Hop Video- Anaconda, Nicki Minaj

Best Female Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Video with a Social Message- One Man Can Change the World, Big Sean, John Legend, Kanye West

Artist to Watch- Fetty Wap

Video of the Year- Bad Blood, Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

HEY! Give yourself a round of applause because we made it through the MOST DRAMATIC season EVER (read: shittiest season ever) and for that we deserve all the awards. Not so fast though, first we have to watch the final episode “Live from LA” so they can insert a bunch of audience reactions and Chris Harrison one liners to fill up the extra time. We pick up with Kaitlyn talking about how good it is to be back in LA as the caption flashes Malibu. It’s time for the boys to meet Kaitlyn’s family NOT in her hometown, because budget travel. Kait breaks the news that a guy from another season snuck his way on and is in her bottom two, her sister with the most unfortunate case of skunk head, is immediately like NICK V OMGEEEEE.

While sis fans herself, momma Leslie has some very strong feelings toward Nick from watching Andi’s season and those feelings are that he’s a D-bag. Kaitlyn is like you can’t judge him Mom, GAWD. Then Kaitlyn proceeds to casually tell her family that she slept with Nick so she’s created a nice little situation for him to walk into.

Speaking of, enter brillopad-head wearing an open button down, a white undershirt and an armful of wooden beaded bracelets. He cleans up nice. Once Kaitlyn warns him that her parents have pictured them having sex, he admits he’s nervous now, Kaitlyn is like yeah you’re pretty much F’ed. Nick’s talk with Leslie is epic because she calls him arrogant and possessive but then it goes downhill real quick because Nick turns on the waterworks and wins Les over by the end. He also puts on a show for Kaitlyn’s dad and gets the blessing.

But enough about that, it takes Shawn .2 seconds into meeting Kaitlyn’s family to blow Nick out of the water. He brings the heat with his thoughtful family gifts, makes a wedding quality toast before dinner and has Leslie (soon-to-be reality show star) vying for his attention as she asks if she can steal him away. Unfortunately, she wants to twist the knife and talk to Shawn about the S-E-X thing. He handles it well, by letting Leslie lick chocolate sauce off his abs. Hair queen Haley is #TeamShawn and it makes me wonder if anyone is actually #TeamNick. Finally, he asks both parents together for permission to marry Kaitlyn and obviously walks out with an invite on the next family vacay because, duh.

Chris Harrison pops up again to take a quick audience poll if the family liked Shawn (all the applause) or Nick (only his family meekly clapped) best. This is why they pay him the big bucks.

Unfortunately, even though everyone in America knows who has already won, we’re forced to live through more sloppy kisses as Nick and Kaitlyn have their last date. They drink champagne on a boat and Nick says, “I look forward to having you on my couch.” Of course you do, Nick. Later Nick takes a cue from every horny college frat bro and tells Kaitlyn, “I got you something, it’s in my bedroom.” Nick’s gift surprisingly is not his penis but a framed photo of their first date with a queer poem next to it about the electricity of kisses. Also he spelled energy wrong. Kaitlyn becomes putty in his hands just because of a cheesy poem that didn’t rhyme instead of retching, which is how I responded to this gift.

Kaitlyn and Shawn’s last date is so terribly awkward that I’m going to pretend it never happened. There’s some heavy petting…of Shawn’s leg and then FF to later because Shawn gives a dope ass gift and at this point, seriously Nick who? Shawn gifts her with a memory jar of pictures and notes. He probably didn’t spell anything wrong and also still has cool points because he didn’t write a shitty poem. Crushed it. Still reeling from the best gift ever, ABC throws a gratuitous shirtless morning scene from Shawn right at us with no warning and I audibly gasped. They may not be in an exotic land, but does that even matter when Shawn’s 100-pack fills the screen? No. No it does not. Shawn clothes himself just in time for Neil Lane to arrive with the rings.

Meanwhile, Nick drinks coffee with his shirt on, buttoned up. BOOOOOO. See yourself out, Nick. Neil shows up and Nick tells his sordid tale about how last time when he was expecting Neil, Andi came instead and sent him to dumpsville: population one. Neil is like oh really? That’s nice why don’t you open up my briefcase of rings and let’s get this product placement over with. After getting a nice boost of confidence for making it far enough to pick the ring, Nick bounces out of the limo FIRST (death sentence) and tells Kaitlyn how obsessed he is with her. Just as he’s reaching into his pocket for that ring, Kaitlyn goes NO. It is BRUTAL but also AWESOME. Shutdown nation. Sucks to suck, Nicholas..bet ya kinda regret jumping back into the TV dating game to get dumped all over again, huh? He leaves, a lover scorned scheming of ways to get back at her on After the Rose and chucks that precious Dublin claddagh ring right alongside his dignity. Nick’s famous last words? “I am the world’s biggest joke.” Cut to Chris Harrison and a terrrrrrible reaction shot of Nick’s family looking like he hung himself on national television. YIKES. According to Chris everyone is stunned to silence and according to the producers we need to watch this silence for an extra 30 seconds so that we, too, can feel as uncomfy as the people sitting next to the Viall family.

For our grand finale of hair, abs and TRUE LOVE, enter the babe soda that is Shawn Booth. In his best version of monotone, Shawn reads a speech you might find at the end of a rom com straight from a teleprompter and I still find it baffling that no one questions how scripted these final moments are each season. The good news is that they both agree it was love at first limo and Kaitlyn will never bone Nick again (for a bit). They get engaged to date for a couple of months and I could not be more pleased with this pairing…Also SURPRISE! to everyone who somehow avoided the spoiler snapchat that made it’s rounds for roughly 2 months on the interweb.

Not to be the person who said I told you so…but ABSOLUTELY to be that person, here is a lovely excerpt from my first blog about this season’s contestants published on May 13th, 2015:

Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.

NBD but HBD, people. It’s called blogger’s intuition like you read about. You’re welcome, America.

And for those who didn’t stay up past their bedtime in gleeful hopes of catching a final Nick vs. Shawn showdown…here’s a quick summary of AFTER THE ROSE:

There’s more heavy leg petting, lots of Kait & Shawn smooching and even more pans to little Bella sobbing in the audience, methinks this girl is going to need a good deal of therapy. The buildup of our bro fight results in Shawn and Nick sitting on a tiny couch, crossing their legs in a power stance so their feet are almost touching. To be clear, Shawn does the leg cross first and Nick immediately copies him. #EskimoBrothersForLife

Also, Nick has finally learned his lesson and was a PR dream for the entire after show, using his words nicely and not speaking from the boned and thrown heartbreak that probably consumes his life. To end on an uplifting note, my father who watched the finale of Andi’s season and never saw a minute of the Bachelor(ette) afterwards responded to my text about Nick’s double dumping with “I bet he has pics of her hoo-ha to put online. He’s that kind of guy!!” Good riddance, Nick. I will not misssssSsssSssth you.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

In the spirit of doing whatever it takes to fill two hours, the program starts off with a preview (possibly an entire episode?) of Bachelor in Paradise followed by a recap of what happened this season. Hey, we’ve been watching this show for far too many weeks, WE GOT IT. No need for a highlight reel. Know what else there’s no need for? Every guy who ever sniffed at Kaitlyn this season. Not only do we have the frontrunners who made it until the end (the only ones who really matter) ABC has also given the assholes another shot at their fifteen minutes of fame. Like Ian, who has stayed humble and hungry. And Ryan M. who has stayed creepy and apparently also styled his hair in what should forever be known as toupee chic. Let’s not forget about Kupah either, who will willingly throw his two cents in about things that happened AFTER he was kicked off that just enraged him.

Check that hair though.

But before all that, Tanner the gossip queen takes the floor and the first shots at Ian. His gripe is that it was really mean when Ian called them all lames. Yeah they made fart jokes but they ALSO had deep convos, so HA. Tanner demands that Ian apologize to Kaitlyn and then Corey…oh, who is that you ask? Let me remind you…

The dad apparently feels a need to seize these precious last moments in front of a camera and delivers this zinger, “I don’t think that she took the responsibility of being the bachelorette the best that she could.” To be clear, no one asked him. Ian responds to all of this by taking his jacket off and getting down on bended knee in front of the glaring bros to say he regrets what he said, how he left and apologizes to the guys, everyone who was offended and his mother for being a real dick on national television, because that’s just not who he is. HE’S A MODEL WHO DEFIED DEATH AND HAS BEEN AROUND THE WORLD A FEW TIMES, DAMNIT. JK he lays it on thick and the contesticles eat that shit right up giving him the classic handshake, clap on the back for his clearly souped up apology. Cut to Chris Harrison, the one man show going HA-HA you just never know what you’re gonna get, folks as he flashes his gleaming white smile and points a finger gun. STAY TUNED FOR THE GAY RELATIONSHIP WE FABRICATED WITH EDITING….Up NEXT.

Corey is first to comment on the Clay-J sitch, because his opinion is vital to my life. He’s mad at Clint for being arrogant and making everyone feel alienated. Clint sets the record straight, if you know what I mean. Apparently, JJ just reminded him of a friend back home so that’s why they liked to play tummy sticks. JJ hops in and uses a lot of air quotes when describing the “bromance” but when Chris Harrison calls him out for using the quotes, JJ fires back with maybe if this show didn’t splice clips together and use romantic music and taglines turning my friendship into a gay porn, there wouldn’t be a need for them. I may be paraphrasing there. He might’ve just said “You tell me, Chris.” I was ready to be all Team JJ until he said this, “We’re intellectually curious about each other. There was a lot of meat to that for me.” Nope, you’re now playing into Clay-J and therefore I’m firmly Team When Will This Show End. Later on in the hot seat, JJ tells C.Harrison that he really “blew it” his last night with Clint and the peanut gallery of bros erupts into laughter. You can’t even script this shit. Just kidding–you can–and they did.

Benzy comes in to take things down a notch or 100 when we relive the story of how his mom died and talk about how he had his walls up. But don’t worry, he’s come out with a positive outlook and learned from his journey that you can open up about all your feels. Don’t cry because it’s over, Benzy, smile because it happened. JK he still hasn’t cried, maybe someday those babe soda tears will roll down his brooding face. Chris rubs his hands together in anticipation as he says, there’s nothing wrong with a good cry. LET IT OUT. I assume C. Harrison is about to play the beginning montage from the movie Up before producers are like ok, enough we need to move on, man tears or not.

Chris basically invited Jared onstage to force words into that poorly goatee’d mouth of his. C. Harrison’s line of questioning includes, Did you think you were the odd man out in that rose ceremony? But you loved the girl, right? But like when you watch it back you probably get more confused about why you were sent home right? Jared keeps it diplomatic and just repeats that he’s thankful for his journey and he listens to “Linger” on repeat via his walkman while he sobs in his room all day erreday.

Sweet, sweet boring buttercup Ben H. walks to the stage and there’s not a dry seat in the house judging by the screeches and howls from the all-ladiez crowd. Ben is a perfect gentleman as he obviously is vying for the Bachelor slot and will probably win it according to audience reactions. Snooze. Finally, we get some BTS deets on the infamous off camera visit. Ben and Shawn were roomies in San Antonio, Shawn got a king bed and Ben got a cot, ’cause Shawn’s abs. Kaitlyn put an invisibility cloak on and snuck into their room where the threesome spent 3 hours talking about life, Kaitlyn and Shawn in the King and Ben essentially on the ground…a foreshadowing. But then, Ben had to shower and womp womp, the rest is history. All it took was those extra two minutes while Ben was conditioning for Kaitlyn to tell Shawn he was the one and seal his fate. Ben probably curses his shiny hair to this day.

Finally our turtledove-in-waiting steps into the hot seat for a little popcorn reading of her hate tweets ever since she had sex on TV. Oh shit, sorry I didn’t mean to give out any spoilers guys, did you hear that Kaitlyn had sex on TV and it’s controversial only because it happened before fantasy suites? Anyway, they read some tweets from people who hate themselves but don’t give out their names which is kind of counter-productive. If we’re going to shame people for being terrible humans, midas whale give out their very public Twitter handle so the internet can bully them for being bullies. That’s how it works, right? Seems like a missed opportunity. Anyway after some tears and golden reaction shots from the audience about fat unemployed people who tweet death threats from their mom’s basement, it’s time for the guys to settle up with Kaitlyn.

It goes something like this: Kaitlyn talks to Jared and tells him he’s great. Then Kaitlyn talks to Ben H. and tells him he looks great. Everything is SO great. I’m about to doze off in my bowl of ice cream when suddenly, fiery Kaitlyn makes an appearance and I’m ALL IN. Jonathan…this guy:

tells Kaitlyn it hurt his feelings when she brought Nick on board after looking 25 guys in the eye and saying her husband was in that room the first night. Kaitlyn doesn’t miss a beat and is all I’mma let you finish but didn’t you vote for Britt?

Corey wants to add something about Nick as well and I literally wish everyone would just look at him and say in unison,

Ryan M. gets to take his horned up toupee head and march down to Kaitlyn to give her the rose that he spiked off of the ground when he was kicked off for being a drunk asshole who slapped her ass and yelled about raping people. Ah, what a joy it is to have him back on my TV. Ian also does a 2.0 of his knee level apology, except whoopsie he gets a leg cramp and immediately has to stand up. It’s probably a residual injury from his near death experience but I’m surprised he doesn’t tell us. Either way, Kaitlyn responds to both of these morons with

Last and certainly least, we get a blooper reel of Kaitlyn screeching about birds and the only thing that saves it: more Amy Schumer shitting on JJ. How they ever cut any of her material from this turd of a season is beyond me. Afterward, Joe puts on a bird mask and runs at Kaitlyn who promptly screams and runs then is like well the joke’s on you I’m actually afraid of the flapping noise. Ok, then why did you just shit your pants at a grown man with a bird mask on? Smooth.

So all that happened and yet we DIDN’T get what we truly deserved and that’s obviously Cupcake addressing the Niagara Falls and hiccups that came roaring from his precious Ken doll face while he leaned over the Cliffs of Moher, hoping someone would give him a soft push.

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And finally, I really could’ve used an awkward Brady and Britt reunion post-breakup after they dated for a week and wore matching beanies to the beach and talked about how they were soul mates who were together to fill that awkward gap while the credits rolled.

The Salty Ju

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Category Archives: Television

The Andy Milonakis Show

Fall 2015 Primetime TV Guide

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

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Emmy’s 2015 Recap

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Reasons You Should Be Watching Difficult People

VMA’s Recap

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

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