Television

Puppy Bowl XI Starting Lineup Hot Picks

Guys, you know what’s coming February 1st? The ANNUAL PUPPY BOWL. There’s no other way I’d wish to spend a Sunday in the dead of winter than watching a bunch of furry little pups troll around while I devour an entire vat of salsa dip. The lineup was just released and I took it upon myself to pick my faves as the ones to look out for. Here they are by team…

TEAM RUFF:

Aria is a Labrador Retriever Mix and looks real excited to get some play time in. She’s totes the kinda gal that’ll have the energy to play the whole game and not take a nap in the middle of the field.

Boomer the German Shepard Mix is a straight up GOON. Bets on him staring at the goat cheerleaders on the sidelines with that tongue wagging looking for some booty instead of playing the game.

Bryan Adams is a Labrador Retriever mix and looks a little perplexed to be here but with a name like Bryan Adams he’s gotta be a lady killer with the voice of an angel.

Coveia has a real intensity in her eyes that says she’s looking for the W and you can’t deny it. Also she’d probably take it too far and pee on an opponent. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES COVEIA.

There’s one every year and it looks like this year the winner is Falcor the Cumber Spaniel for team STOOOONER. Falcor wins most likely to hit the field blazed and end up trying to eat the fake turf.

Faulkner the Great Pyrenees…serious question is this even a real dog? Faulkner looks like a straight up cartoon. Love that smile though I’m gonna bet he’s a real go-getter. Team Captain for sure.

Lance the Terrier Mix looks like he just got caught eating a stack of bills that were left on the table (This is a specific shout out to my nephew Rocky who can’t stop his all-paper diet every time he’s left alone in the house.) No but seriously Lance looks guilty AF and I bet this will motivate him to play better and also maybe get into a little mischief, fingers crossed.

Lewis the Shar Pei could not be more over this if he tried. He’ll be unamused with the kitty half time show (aren’t we all?) and probably end up laying on the sidelines real quick. But with that SMUSHY face, we can all forgive him instantly for this.

Pudge the Chihuahua mix has OUTRAGEOUS ears and that’s obviously his secret weapon. Once he gets on a fast break he’ll be able to hear his competition coming after him for miles.

Wittle baybay Corgi Mix, Zane is Team Ruff’s young’n. He’ll be pouncing on Lewis all day only to be pushed off every time. Poor little guy is just here to tear it up and make cool older friends.

TEAM FLUFF:

Donnie the German Shepard mix is KILLIN me with that side head. Can’t resist it. He seems like he’d play dirty and trip Pudge to get the ball (if Pudge doesn’t trip over his own ears HEYO.)

Hemingway the Great Pyrenees mix absolutely has a British accent and is the classiest one of the bunch. Since he’s clearly from England and smokes a pipe he probably plays soccer too and is suuuper athletic. Strong player.

Maggie the Beagle Mix is a handful..I mean look at that she won’t even look at the camera because she’s too cool for the paparazzi. She totally voted herself Team Captain and everyone else was like nah Mags, T it down. She’ll be the team tattle tale when someone breaks the rules.

Mr. Fantastic the Terrier Mix is the young pup who’s excited just to be included. He’ll be the ankle biter wanting to keep up with the big boyz and whooping it up for the crowds. YOLO, Mr. Fantastic.

Papi the Corgi Mix has that “Who, me?” look DOWN PAT. He’s gonna get away with murder in this game (hypothetically speaking, guys). When the ref interferes Papi’s your man to get behind him and make faces, mocking his authority.

This little piece of black magic is named SASSY. No joke. I think we all know why I selected this Mini Poodle Mix. Bitch gonn’ go cray on the field–she won’t be doing any playing, just flirting cause Sassy is lookin for her perfect mate. (Her only requirement: he MUST love Beyonce)

USS Maloy the Australian Shepard Mix COULD NOT even muster up the energy to stay standing for this photoshoot. Clearly we’ve got our dead weight for Team Fluff and you know what? I respect it. You’ll find USS Maloy laying in everyone’s way on game day mailing it in.

Jamison the Pit Bull Terrier Mix is the real team captain for his fellow Fluffs. He knows when to be the enforcer and when to give kisses and also he’s got a pretty bad-ass spotted nose.

Bailey the Labrador Retriever looks like she has the attention span of a gnat…which will OBVIOUSLY make for quality entertainment. She’ll be boppin all over the place, prancing for the crowd, talking T. Swift with the goat cheerleaders and sneaking into the choreographed kitty routine at halftime. Can’t hold Bai down.

There you have it. My top picks from the lineup, which consists of 55 wittle wuppies. See the full list here

My money’s on Team Fluff for the win. I feel it in my bones. Book it.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Wining and Dining”

This was an action-packed episode with lots of conflict, wine tossing, and Babyface. Yeah you heard me, recording artist, Babyface. But before we get right to another installment of Yolanda and David’s sing along with a side of dinner party, we need to discuss Brandi. My gurl Brandi used to be funny and inapprops with a hint of asshole but this season she’s just been full-on asshole and I’m really not loving it. This latest episode was the Brandi show and starts out with Brandi and Lisa lunching…yayyy more awkward stare-offs and high-pitched questions. Brandi pretty much handles the lunch like she didn’t do all that much wrong and then we’re all reminded that she literally slapped Ken and he hates her stinkin guts and Lisa says he’ll probably never forgive her. I never thought I’d side with the Ice Queen in this fight but Brandi essentially had no defense and was just talking in circles and was like k so we’re good? We can have fun again? Lisa told her to pick up the bill and she’d consider being civil then she ordered Cristal and filet mignon and probably bankrupted the fragile Brandi whose still paying off that house that she just warmed.

In the second segment of the Brandi show, Yolanda, Rinna, Brandi and Eileen gather for dinner and discuss heartwarming topics like Rinna’s husband being the same age as Brandi’s dad. Eileen then tells a love story about how her and her husband left their marriages to be together. Brandi fakely tells her thanks for sharing and being so brave and honest. Most importantly we are forced to endure far too many minutes with Eileen wearing a stupid straw bucket hat that I’m positive she borrowed from Ashley Olsen circa 1998 in Billboard Dad. Aren’t they in a nice restaurant? She finally takes her hat off and flips her hair, which unfortunately becomes the catalyst to Brandi’s latest antic. Brandi gets excited at Eileen being sassy and then tries to get her to reenact a scene from Days of our Lives and Eileen was like I’m NOT A TRAINED SEAL, I WON A G-D EMMY and Brandi throws a glass of wine on her because she wouldn’t perform. Everyone at the table is shocked and worst of all Eileen puts that straw hat back on, soon to be followed by blue sunglasses I assume but before she can Brandi defends herself by saying “I was going for a soap opera moment,” rather than just admitting she wanted to punish Eileen for being a home wrecker. Everyone at the table hates Brandi. Check, please.

The grand finale of the episode and another platform for Brandi to make everyone despise her is one of Yolanda’s infamous dinner parties where there is sure to be hearts on place card drama and a cringeworthy sing along with her creepy husband at the piano. Also Babyface. Yolanda hires her friend to plan the party but makes it very clear that she did not hire someone to plan the dinner party, cause they’re friends. Yolanda then goes for the total shock factor and does her own nails before the party, I mean it’s not like she’ll have a chance to ruin them. The guests begin to arrive and we get to the part of the night where I wish really hard that I had a glass of wine in my hand and turned this dinner party into a drinking game. The wine-throwing incident is re-told 6 times throughout the course of the evening. That’s not an exaggeration. I counted…and wished I were sipping. Eileen is treating Brandi like a Days superfan that sent her human hair and a ransom note in the mail. Brandi arrives and Eileen makes a big scene about it saying she feels weird and like she’s in high school while she acts like she is in high school. Yo tells Brandi that she’s in time out and Brandi’s like yeah, yeah yeah, Eileen let’s talk one on one. Eileen asks, “Did you leave the weirdo superfan at home?” Brandi fesses up to being a real jerk and gives Eileen a necklace as a peace offering because she has too many h8ers right now. Eileen’s like yeah you’re a creep but I accept your apology I guess. Kim rolls in wearing a leather top and her hair in mermaid curls looking like she’s about to hit the club. It’s almost like she knew Babyface was going to be there. Everyone showers her with compliments and she flips her hair all around and is like I KNOW, RIGHT?! Lisa calls Babyface, “Papaface”. Yo makes a toast where she slobbers all over David in front of everyone. The Emmy is toasted (second drinking game..Eileen’s Emmy is mentioned 4+times.) Yo also toasts the opening of Pump with a not so sly dig for the opening that no one was invited to. “Moving on,” she sneers.

Brandi didn’t get a toast for anything so she feels like it’s probably time to turn everyone’s attention back to her, which is normally Kyle’s job…hmm. David tells Brandi to stop flirting with Babyface because his wife is literally right next to him and she retaliates by saying his wife is beautiful but B-Face could’ve given her a bigger ring. Apparently in drunken Brandi world, if you don’t have a big diamond, it means your husband is cheating on you. Logical. S’mores are next in the second longest dinner party ever (first longest is obviously the one at Kyle’s with E-cig medium Allison). Yo adorably prances around the bonfire in her monochromatic outfit and everyone eats charred marshmallows. Brandi has turned real sloppy real quick and starts slobbering over the Days of Our Lives girls again. They sneak away from her right about the time she climbs into David’s lap and reconvene in the living room to talk shit about her and how sad her life is.

Finally we’ve arrived at the creepy sing along and not a moment too soon. This time Babyface is going to ad lib a sexy song and the topic that is given to him is “I love my life.” Digging real deep here for musical inspiration. David explains the rules of the game and apparently makes a finger gesture that Brandi shouts out looks like he’s finger banging and she asks if that can also be included in the original number that is about to be performed. Babyface proves to be the hugely talented star that he is by singing I love my life and I love finger banging over and over again while David tickles the ivories. The CREATIVITY IS THROUGH THE ROOF. Quick, give me a guitar and I’ll top this. David obviously forces everyone to riff off of this new chart-topper and silently judges all of their terrible singing voices. Everyone should be ashamed for being a part of this. Except for Eileen, because she has an Emmy. Oh and did you hear? Brandi threw wine on her. Drink.

Television

The Bachelor Season 19 Premiere

An open h8er of The Bachelor I never thought I would see the day where I was willingly watching a season. Then I realized that I could recap the insanity for all my Bachelor-lovin’ friends and turn it into pure lawls. So here we are with a new weekly TV Recap. Follow me on this journey as Prince Farming, Chris Soules finds his milk maid. (Yes, I did write that myself, but it is only a matter of minutes before ABC trademarks it because the first 5 minutes of the premiere were FULL of cheesy farm cliches equally as cringeworthy as that one.)

Our farmtastic bachelor has a lovely montage to open up the show and so that we can see how many times he can talk about his crops or stare at them longingly from his motorcycle. Two minutes into the episode and he’s tearing up after he just rolled in badass style on his Harley, Chris was already showing us the gamut of emotions that he holds inside. “Love…is a lot like farming…” he muses as he eats the corn from his field and wonders if he’ll finally find someone to feed his chickens. After a little souleful Chris (see what I did there?), he shows us his rugged side by having ABC send a personal trainer all the way out to Iowa so that he can watch Chris do pushups on haystacks and talk about his regular farm workout regimen. Then he throws on some aviators, rides into the dust (should his motorcycle be ridden so closely to his crops? seems dangerous) to the soundtrack of badass music, on his way to find his woman. Once he arrives in LA we learn that Chris is scared of traffic and clothes and stuff cause he’s just a down home farmer. “I wish I was harvesting corn instead of getting fitted for a three piece suit.” Getting dressed is exhausting, he tells us. Apparently getting undressed is not because we got an obligatory shower scene, and damn have those hay pushups really been working. He’s ready to meet his biddies in waiting now…

Let’s meet Chris’s potential co-harvesters:

Britt-Waitress from Hollywood. She didn’t have sex in her last relationship and clearly misses it, she calls herself a “feeler, for sure” and gives out free hugs on Hollwood Blvd. to strangers. This all was enough to creep me out, but apparently Farmer Chris was on a whole different page than me. Britt gets out of the limo and gives Chris an excrutiatingly long hug and then slips him a coupon for a free hug…for later obvs. When they have some one on one time later they–wait for it–hug. And then Britt tells Chris that she can be his safe haven and they have an almost kiss where they really just stare at each other for a couple minutes. At the end of the night Britt receives the first impression rose saving her from elimination and also Chris follows up the rose with a steamy makeout sesh that was a liiiiittle aggress. Britt makes it more aggress by revealing it feels like she’s kissing her boyfriend. Pump the brakes, gurl. How did they part? With a hug. Duh.

Jillian- News Producer. She gyms real hard in neon tanks and also cheers in front of the monuments of DC. She exits the limo and goes for the tough girl act with Chris. Jillian grabs his muscles and then flexes for him and probably threatened to beat him up or something.

Amanda- Ballet Instructor. Amanda lives at home and is lazy AF, her mom has her fingers crossed she marries this bitch off so she stops free-loading. Amanda chooses the weird meeting route and in the long run it’s a big fail. She slips Chris a note to close his eyes and sneaks up on him from behind to be his “secret admirer” except that when he comes looking for the secret admirer she admits it’s her right away. He really worked for that. She has a set of REAL hard crazy eyes and the cameraman zoomed right in on those bad boys forcing some nightmares at me. No worries though she’s gone–No rose for the crazy eyes.

Whitney- Fertility Nurse, Chicago. Has a whiny nasally voice that makes me want to break my ears off, wants kids STAT, will 100% be the contestant to switch out her birth control and pull a pregnancy trap. Whitney is SUPES outgoing and doesn’t let Chris get a word in edgewise, which is fine because while she’s talking she’s already planning what their children will look like. They have PG talk about sex and it’s lame and boring.

MacKenzie-Dental Assistant. Teen mom who prefers hanging with a one year old than anyone else (read: no friends), wants a dad for her illegitimate son. Doesn’t know what alfalfa is. AND YET STILL GETS A ROSE.

Alissa- Flight Attendant. Compares love to flying WAY too much and talks about nothing else. I was convinced she would redeem herself and then her gimmick when meeting Chris was keeping him safe with an ACTUAL airplane seatbelt that she ACTUALLY strapped on him. Cut the shit Alissa, we GET that you’re a flight attendant but not everything has a correlating airplane metaphor. Brace yourself for more to come because she made it through the cut.

Kelsey- School Counselor Austin TX. Freshly widowed, suuuuper athletic, otherwise boring. Does not stand out to me at all except for maybe being an actual normal person, but she makes the cut anyway.

Kaitlyn- Dance Instructor. Meets Chris and immediately tells him “you can plow the F out of my field any day.” He has the uncomfies and then she picks some shit off of his face makes a crazy jealous gf joke and is off to the races for being the inapprops one. Since her schtick is telling off color jokes, she bangs one out to the crowd of prissy, judgmental girls with Chris and of course one girl doesn’t even get it. Hot crowd. Kaitlyn uses her one on one time with Chris to teach him how to break dance in some comfy yoga pants under her dress and I’m glad we’re keeping her around because we need her to stir shit up.

Megan- Makeup things…that’s all I’ve got for Megan. I don’t even remember her if we’re being honest.

Ashley- Hair Stylist. Her hair looks sexy pushed back. Just kidding, it doesn’t look sexy but it’s pushed back and I wish that it wasn’t. Ashley is the crazy bitch who keeps babbling about onions and tells the WWE wrestler to get lost when she’s talking to Chris. Also rips a pomegranate out of the bushes. Yet she still gets a rose………….

Trina- Special Ed Teacher. Again, I got nothin.

Reegan- Tissue Specialist. This weirdo talks about how she has this great job touching human tissue and stuff and brings Chris a fake heart in a cooler to be like HAHA I’m funny smart and cute wink, wink. And he’s like HAHA that was none of the above- WINK, WINK….and she’s gone.

Tara-Sport Fishing. Tara is our resident hick who shows up in cutoff jorts, plaid shirt and cowboy boots and tells Chris this is who I am so suck on that. She then enters the room of bitches, gets one dirty look and suddenly she cares what everyone thinks and throws on a dress and some wedges to sneak back out and make a better impression. Nailed it. Tara more than made up for her weird double intro by throwing back whiskey all night. Once the rose ceremony rolls around, Tara clearly has the spins and can’t hold her shit together but RIGHT before she boots and passes out, she gets a rose. WUT.

Tandra- Executive Assistant. Tandra rides in on a motorcycle and tries to be badass and cool and stuff and makes a crack about riding on the highway in it even though she entered from stage left and probably wheeled it in. That’s all we need to know about her for now. I can’t even remember if she got a rose or not. Clearly it’s not important.

Jordan- Student. Jordan rolls out of the limo with a nip of Whiskey because she heard it’s Chris’s favorite liquor and they toss it back together. I respect the hell out of this and any one who brought me liquor at the first meeting would get the first impression rose without hesitation…to hell with free hugs, gimme the juice.

Nicole-Real Estate. Nicole debuted with a pig nose on her face to be all tongue and cheek about farm animals but couldn’t hold her ground and got really self-conscious that Chris would actually think she’s an ugly fat pig and so she took it off immeidately and overcompensated by saying I REALLY LOOK LIKE THIS. DON’T WORRY I’M NOT ACTUALLY A PIG, CHRIS!!!! And he said bai when he did not rose her.

Brittany-WWE Wrestler. Brittany showed up in lingerie with a sign that said #soulesmates? Too much. She also didn’t get too much time to chit chat with Chris before girl who shall forever be known as onion pomegranate stole her thunder.

Carly-Cruise Ship Singer. Aaaaaand the most woof entrance award goes to Carly. Wearing a bad 80’s wedding dress or something and carrying a pink karaoke machine, she sang about meeting Chris, as she was meeting Chris. It was bad and awkward and I had to cover my eyes and ears at one point and YET she got a rose.

Tracy-Fourth Grade Teacher. Tracy pulled out the big guns to make Chris remember her…she used her students being cute kids. They wrote notes to Chris about why he should pick her and awww don’t kids say the darndest things that their teacher obviously told them to write so she could get a husband? She also talks about becoming a cat lady in their one on one. She makes it on through.

Bo-Plus Sized Model. Bo talks about how she loves eating and stuff because she’s a plus sized model. Oh…and she was axed.

Amber-Bartender.

Ashley-Nanny. I don’t remember this girl speaking once but she’s basically a Kardashian so she’ll either marry Chris or get a reality show out of it.

Becca-Chiropractic Assistant

Jade-Cosmetics Specialist. Has two kids. WOOF. I guess Chris is into the daddy thing because he kept both mom’s.

Juelia- Estetician. From a REAL Julia, this is an outrageous way to spell our name and I can only hope this bitch doesn’t make it more than 3 episodes because I refuse to type that out.

Kara-Soccer Coach. CUT.

Kimberly- Yoga Instructor. Didn’t hear a peep from her all night (i’m assuming…it’s all a blur now) once she gets axed, she talks about how undeserving this is and then goes back in all teary asking to speak to Chris. CLIFFHANGER…WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

Michelle-Wedding Cake Decorator.

Nikki- Former NFL Cheerleader. Key word=former.

Samantha-Fashion Designer. Nothing really needs to be said about this chick. She’s a fashion designer living in LA, she’s for sure not going to move to Iowa to live on a farm. He’ll probably send her packing after he gets some.

You’ll notice that not all of these women have deets and that’s because I have never had a more difficult time trying to keep track of a bunch of biddies. They all look alike and say stupid shit, the good news is that there were some that were already sent home so we don’t need to know things about them, thank God. There was A LOT of drama halfway through the THREE HOURS that this show took from my life when the ladies and Chris thought that there might only be 15 contestants and every single one of them WOULDN’T stop asking about it. Then Chris Harrison announces that the BIG surprise is there are MORE limos! WHAT A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS! WE TOTALLY DIDN’T READ THE CAST LIST BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED OR ANYTHING. Nice try, Chris Harrison, nice try. Anyway fingers crossed I can keep track better once we start cutting the fat, I’m obviously referring to slob kebab Tara and onion pomegranate who should be the first to go. Will Chris do more macking and free hugging with Britt next week? Will I ever be able to differentiate between the remaining brunettes? Stay tuned to find out!

Pop Culture, Television

The Hills-Top Heidi Moments

Hey guys, I’m BAAAAACK with some very important gossip, as always. Did you hear that Holly Montag is preggers? You didn’t? Oh, that’s probably because she’s not famous except for the time The Hills outed her as an alcoholic. Fingers crossed she’s sober now.

Anyway, I’ve decided to celebrate the good news with her more “famous” sister’s best moments on The Hills, in no particular order. (Pre-Surgeries) We all remember Heidi as this top-heavy monster with blowfish lips who married Spencer the flesh colored beard, crystal lovin’ maniac. However, I think it’s important to be reminded of wholesome, good girl Heidi back when she had natural A cups and freshly moved to LA to pursue her dreams of working in PR and partying for a paycheck. Here are the best Heidi moments before she went full-on dark side.

5. Dating Jordan from North Carolina with the most outrageous haircut known to man.

Heidi and Jordan had their ups and downs—their up was when Jordan gave her a dog for Christmas (that mysteriously disappeared after season 1) and their downs were obviously the rest of their relationship. Jordan called himself passionate and would commonly tell Heidi to shut up because apparently his passions of hating his girlfriend were just too much to hold in. Inevitably, this led to the breakup, which was QUITE dramatic with tears from both parties…seriously bro, pull it together.

I’m going to assume that Jordan was crying while getting dumped because the jig was up and Heidi finally realized that Sonic the Hedgehog was wildly outkicking his coverage by getting to sleep with her at all. And that was the end of dum dum Jordan and damn it did we all miss him and his weird creepy friend Brian who stalked Audrina in attempts to date her.

WHAT IS THIS PHOTO.

4. Quitting school after the first day.

Heidi’s claim to fame was being a quitter and boy did she commit to it. After going into her FIDM interview and announcing that she did not even glance at the curriculum, admitting, “I never went to school, I never did anything. I just like went shopping and hung out.” It’s no wonder they didn’t just offer her a full scholarship for her hard work right on the spot. Good ole Heids put in a half day at school after that and played solitaire waiting for LC to finish classes. By chance, or a scripted run-in, Heidi meets Brent Bolthouse and he gives her an interview for an assistant position. It’s her dream job, guys. She starts the next day and once he tells her she’ll be getting lunch and stuffing envelopes she backtracks real quick and says she didn’t understand that this was a full time job and she’s more into partying so could we speed up the process and put her in charge of the door at a nightclub already? Brent politely tells her to stop being such a self-righteous asshole with a sassy eye roll and Heidi calls LC to vent: “It’s so boring I’m stuffing envelopes. This is my nightmare of a job.” She promises to give it one more day before quitting. Atta girl.

3. Wearing jeans, boots and a turtleneck sweater tank to her first interview.

(Sorry for the bootleg pic, I’m sure you still get the idea.) Although this is fully related to the last Heidi shining moment, it deserves a separate shout out because it is actually suuuuper baffling that someone going on their first full time job interview would think it’s acceptable to wear this outfit. She got the job though, so clearly I’m doing something wrong here. Her first day of work outfit was equally as appalling with jeans, pointy heels, a black button down and her hair in a bun with a headband that can only be described as one that girls wear when their hair is dirty.

2. The pregnancy scare with Playboy Spence.

Hey everyone remember the early days of Spencer when he was also porking Audrina? Yeah, definitely not a red flag or anything. Heidi continues dating him even though she catches him with Audrina and whoopsie she runs right into a pregnancy scare. After taking the test and seeing that she’s not preggers (we can all agree that the best thing Speidi has done for this planet is to NOT procreate), Heidi wants to run a little test by Spence to see how he’ll react. She puts on her best serious soap opera face and calls him up asking him to drop by work because they need to talk. Homeboy pulls up in his beamer and she lays it on him that she might be pregnant. Playboy Spence breaks a sweat, takes a sip of what I assume to be vodka in a water bottle to calm his nerves and romantically declares that he’s on Team Heidi. That’s exactly what Heidi wants to hear and she casually replies with ok well I’m not pregnant tralala thanks for stopping by. Playboy Spence declares, “I’m a little bit irritated that you had me thinking you were pregnant,” to which Heidi replies, “Oh boo hoo.” This marks the only time I’ve ever wanted to fist bump Heidi.

1. Orchestrating the Great Jen Bunney Betrayal.

This is probably my favorite Hills episode to date, and to be clear; I’m 100% team LC on this one. LC goes out of her way to make Jen Bunney’s 21^st birthday the best it could be, even going so far as getting her diamonds via her MTV paycheck and Jen repays her by calculating a hookup with Brody like mere minutes after LC and Brody dated. Heidi truly shined when she turned into the conniving birthday fairy granting booty like wishes. She coordinates Brody to attend Bunney’s party and then aggressively pushes the two of them together to mate like real world cast mates in a hot tub. Obviously Bunz leaves with Brodz and LC finds out and lays down the hammer on both idiots, but not Brody, cause he’s too pretty to yell at. Since getting video clips of The Hills is like getting security footage from the White House, for whatever reason, I can only suffice the best scene of the episode with some shitty pictures. I like to call this exchange: two drunk white girls repeating words.

Honorable Mention: Being cutthroat at Bolthouse snaking a promotion from Elodie.

(Technically this is post-surgery since Heidi clearly had already gotten her first boob job, but we’ll let it slide.) Elodie mentions casually that there’s a promotion in the works and Heidi goes behind her back to get it. Oohh Kill em Heidi, get your dream job and rise above the ranks of stuffing envelopes. Elodie, the unfortunate looking elf who is forced to listen to Heidi talk about Spencer and how she has no friends 24/7, gets her revenge swiftly. Heidi’s first event falls on the same night as the anniversary of the first time Spencer and her banged in a club before he probably then took Audrina out for ice cream or something, and she asks Elodie to cover her undeserving of a promotion ass. Elodie sneaky quits that day and tells Heidi that she’s all set before she heads back to the North Pole, screwing Heidi over royally. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, Heidz.

This is Elodie’s biz casj cami.

And there we have it. The party girl from Colorado with a heart of gold (or something…) won her way into the best friend Hall of Fame of miss Lauren Conrad and for that and so much more (repeated appearances on various reality TV shows with Spencer) we will never forget her. A friend has informed me that if you miss our little Heidi whose boobs have grown six sizes since the early days, you can catch her and Spencer on Marriage Boot Camp this season, undoubtedly discussing true love and crystals.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Breaking Branches”

Apparently Bravo does not find it necessary to give us a reprieve from the housewives during the holidays. This is late because I had to do 1 million things with my family and not one of them was watch a bunch of grown ass women donate their expensive designer gowns to homeless women to wear to the soup kitchen. Shocking, I know. Anyway, Bravo heard our Christmas wishes and delivered a little meat to this season by FINALLY having a full episode with all the women socializing (and being catty) in one room. We’re getting somewhere here.

The long talked about and much needed housewarming party for Brandi arrived and it was important for us to relish this moment because there is no telling how long Brandi will have this home before she’s couch surfing again. Brandi is on the same page when she said, “I really love this house, hopefully I can keep it.” This MUST be celebrated. Brandi chose to celebrate by wearing a dress that barely covered her nipples and then having to uncomfortably adjust it all night so as not to scare her guests away who she had finally tricked into believing that she is classy. Joke’s on you, goons. While the other ladies have a full wait staff at their “barbeques”, Brandi puts her mom to work full time while she gets her hair and makeup done and tapes her boobs. Maybe she does belong after all.

The party was going swimmingly with several shocked tones of “this house is ACTUALLY nice,” when the air suddenly turned frosty and it felt like time stopped. Up pulled a black limo and out stepped a pair of inconveniently tall gold and black stripper heels attached to the legs of whom else, but the ICE QUEEN. She struts through the house (letting herself in, obviously) and silences the crowd upon her arrival. Lisa has graced the minions with her presence and no one is quicker than Brandi to lap that shit right up. To make matters even more dramatic we are introduced to Leeza Gibbons and there are now two Lisas and a Leeza at one Hollywood party. It’s like they’re trying to force us to use our brains while watching this or something. At least Leeza had the decency to spell her name like a hooker with a heart of gold or else we’d never know whom Brandi is talking about. After Lisa and Brandi spout inspirational quotes at each other much like you would find hanging in your doctor’s office waiting room, they’ve apparently squashed their beef. Obviously in her aside, Lisa reveals to us that she’s doing this just so Brandi will shut the F up and she’s clearly not over it. Lisa continues her domination of this party parade by chatting it up with Brandi’s parents and reminding them that their daughter is an asshole and the parents are usually to blame. She lets that sink in before she uses the party to remind everyone of her charity for dressing homeless teens in designer gowns. Some incredibly awkward toasts are made to Brandi mentioning her divorce and overall poverty and then it’s time for goodbyes. Brandi and Lisa have a cringeworthy goodbye where Brandi basically shouts, “ARE YOU HAPPY YOU CAME? BUT REALLY…ARE YOU?” while Lisa strong-arms Brandi away. Then Brandi latches onto Ken for some air kisses and demands for Ken to look into her soulless eyes. All in all I would say it was a heartfelt reunion. Speaking of heartfelt reunions, lest we forget about Brandi’s most recent reunion, ghost of gaudy jewels past, Adrienne makes another appearance with her under aged boyfriend Jacob and it’s becoming quite clear that they’re phasing her back into the cast and let me be the first to say that I hate it. Spin on those Maloof hooves and see yourself outta here, Adrienne.

After the party, our new characters continue to keep a classy image of themselves on the outskirts of the friend group. Rinna is cool as shit still and we see her co-host Access Hollywood and earn her keep on this show. She just wants to stay young and work forever. Preach. Eileen tries to also show how hard to she works by doing some paddle boarding to stay fit. She lies and says she loves working out, then sneaks in that she also loves donuts. I feel your pain, gurl. She’s still not as cool as Rinna though. While these two are being active members of society, Kyle is at home reminding us all that no one in her family knows how to do laundry, cause maids. Also, this just in: EXTRA, EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT-PORTIA MAKES HER OWN SANDWICH! Kyle and Mauricio applaud this as if Portia has just cured Ebola and then quickly get teary eyed over Alexia going to college and leaving them alone with the little sandwich-making monster.

Okay enough of that bullshit, let’s get right to group hang number two of this episode, the charity tea for homeless girls who want new dresses for all the formal balls that they attend, held at Pump, Lisa’s newest restaurant venture. It seems that Lisa went ahead and had the opening without inviting anyone and both Yo and Kim did NOT forget. Bravo also wants to make sure we don’t forget that Lisa and Brandi are awkward as shit together because they have them interact as much as possible at this tea. This needs to stop immediately because it’s making me suuuuper uncomfy every time they spend 5 minutes staring at each other and speaking in weird high pitch voices about how they’re not fine but they are fine. Brandi rips an olive branch off of the tree at Pump to extend it to Lisa and everyone stares and opens their mouths as wide as their Botox will allow. Lisa tells Brandi with her eyes that branch destruction has just added another strike to her name and Eileen astutely observes that maybe Brandi and Lisa have a complicated history. Then Brandi tries to make up for murdering wildlife and offers to do some sexual downstairs things to Lisa, as one normally does. (I’ve cleaned this up courteously, which Bravo didn’t feel the need to do and I’m scarred forever.) Since it’s a lot of work for women to be approps at all times while having tea in a classy establishment, they have a full discussion of cunninglingus and good ole foreign Yolanda has to ask what it means. What a precious doll. Eileen thinks every one of these women is a dumpster monster for discussing “pussy” over tea and obviously she’s above hanging with such trailer trash.

In efforts not to brand this conversation in the viewers’ memory forever, we end instead on a lunch after the tea with everyone but Lisa. This lunch is clearly scheduled into the production schedule so that they can all talk shit about Lisa and the newbies can get “caught up” as if they’re clueless. Eileen stages an ask about Brandi and Lisa even though she previously said at the tea that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Again, she is an Emmy award-winning actress. The ladies try to catch everyone up to speed being as least catty as possible because they’ve learned their lesson that Lisa will just see them talking shit on TV and have actual hard evidence. It’s like they’re learning or something and I’m just so proud of these mature adults who grew so much since they were discussing sex acts over high tea just a mere minutes earlier.

Honorable Mention Moment: Remember the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge? Oh you do? Well let’s relive it. Rinna does the challenge on Access Hollywood in some fancy workout gear and then Yo accepts at Lisa’s charity tea because her friend has ALS and she’ll do anything to help the cause. Volunteering herself for an icy water dump probably had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a full white outfit. I gotcha producers, WINK.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Medford, 90210”

We’re getting warmer in this season-long game of Hot & Cold: Housewives Pointless Fights Edition. We had friction this week, padded of course by far too many minutes of fluff story but I think we might finally be getting somewhere here. The focus (fluff story) of this episode was Rinna’s pilgrimage back to her po-dunk roots in middle America to say farewell to her childhood home. Rinna kicks it with her teen daughters on the trampoline to break the news that their weekend trip includes a visit to their grandparents. Rinna is wearing ripped jeans and is all the cool mom talking about sharing her jeans with her girls and they obviously do not take the travel news well. Once they’ve landed in Medford, Rinna drives them through town and points out the local landmarks, including the McDonalds she went to every Sunday after church and her daughters politely but not even a little bit politely judge her for being such a trashmonster growing up. Ah, teenage girls <3. And that wraps up everything that I’m going to write about Rinna in this recap because I like to keep things light and snappy and her visiting her dying dad who declared that he doesn’t feel like he belongs anywhere is depressing as shit and created quite a sobfest sitch while I was watching.

QUICK—we need a laugh! Imagine Lisa calling her two “gay swans” Hanky and Panky “sexy boys” and playing grab ass with one of them telling him he’ll be in her bed soon enough. Nope, you read that right; Lisa Vanderpump was getting REAL rapey with some swans. Girl’s trying to shed her ice queen image, and it’s not going the way she thought it would. She goes after her dogs next getting all up in their biz and I’m wondering if Lisa should be surrounded by so many animals at this point in her life. While this circus is occurring, Ken tries to stir up some girl drama by asking if any of Lisa’s friends have congratulated her on her star that we unfortunately had to see her receive last week. For the smallest of seconds, I’m grateful for Ken for trying to liven up this show for us.

Since we’ve only seen boring peeks into Eileen’s life, it was time for her to be introduced to the group so that at least one person can hate her and then create a new rivalry for us all to choose teams for. Rinna eases her into the group with a nice breezy Malibu lunch with Yolanda. Yolanda and Eileen have kids the same age and both agreed that their kids should be able to have sex with their sig. others under their roof, Rinna chimes in that maybe it’s time to put her girls on the pill and I wish I wasn’t listening to three women talk about their kids’ sex lives on TV. Yo’s down with Eileen’s spirit and energy and they bond over how they both used to clean toilets and like to live simple lives (no house staff…you know except for the several maids we’ve seen Yolanda talking to before.)

Speaking of simple living, let’s roll on over to Kyle’s place and see what her and her “ladysitter” Justin are up to. WHAT IS A LADYSITTER? Someone please advise. Anyway, Kyle wants to plan another party because people stopped talking about her White Party and that just won’t do. She’s throwing a barbeque without the hotdogs. I think I speak for everyone when I say that this sounds terrible. BBQ=Wieners. Ladysitter oversteps his payroll and asks if EVERYTHING has to be so luxe in BH (“Do you people ever do anything normal?”) and it’s safe to say that Justin is now on unemployment and trying to use food stamps at Starbucks. Kyle forges on with her party though, determined to not let anyone get in her way. The day has arrived and Kyle is wearing a modest floor length animal print gown that just SCREAMS backyard hootenanny. “I’m still jet-lagged from Spain.”- Kyle declares to anyone and everyone in earshot and it becomes very clear that when Portia is 16, Kyle will still most certainly be jet-lagged from Spain and talking about it. Speaking of Portia she’s still really digging on the top bun look…

New fast friends based on their home proximity, Yolanda and Eileen (and her tennis pro, former teen idol husband) carpool to the BBQ to end all BBQ’s. Yo & Eileen slobber all over each other on the ride over and let’s all take a moment to bow down to Yo who is wearing jorts and knee high gladiator sandals. Yes please. Yo continues to be my fave when she sparks up a little friction by immediately cornering Lisa about her star winning in Palm Springs and why the hell she wasn’t invited to it. All Yo wants to do is be a good friend and congratulate Lisa but Lisa throws some major shade and does her best “I’m gonna walk away from the convo and say a bunch of random things until she drops it.” She didn’t drop it, that Dutch enforcer and Lisa was forced to throw down her classic “Let’s not talk about that,” as she excused herself to booty call her swan probably.

The swan must’ve been busy because Lisa is then approached by Brandi about her housewarming party and how Lisa has yet to RSVP, which is just rude party etiquette, gawd, Lisa. It’s going to take a lot more than a bitchy phone call from a friend’s phone for Lisa to forgive Brandi and “warm her house.” Brandi handles this like an adult with a capital A and gets sloppy drunk and tries to touch all up on Ken later forcing him to like her again. He moves faster than I’ve ever seen his old hips move when she finally lets him out of her clutches and Brandi cackles into her mostly empty glass of wine. Deciding that there’s no such thing as being too drunk OR too aggressive, Brandi tells Lisa one more time that she should come to the housewarming and Lisa responds by quickstepping out the door so Brandi spouts that she’s done kissing ass and her life DOES NOT revolve around Lisa Vanderpump, which I would believe had she not just spent the entire party trying to trick the Vanderpumps into coming to her “I finally locked down a house for another month or two” celebration. The good news is that there is a near showdown between Brandi and Eileen, who just met but give us all hope for a new Beverly Hills Beef when they bet $100 on a Days of Our Lives character. Also Eileen calls Brandi a Superfan in the most disgusted tone she could muster and isn’t really into learning about Brandi’s vagina surgery within minutes of meeting her. Fingers crossed this takes priority over the dying Lisa/Brandi beef. That’s literally all I’m asking Santa for if we’re being honest.

Did I miss anything from the invite-only but not really because Eileen & her hubs showed up BBQ? Ah yes, the walk down memory lane of childhood acting. How could I ever omit Kim’s theatrical storytelling about the time that she lied and said she was a tennis player to get a role in Magnum P.I.? Kim really captivated the crowd with this reenactment that went on for way too long and finally her stupid story paid off when we were shown a clip from the episode itself for literally ONE SECOND, which leads me to believe that Eileen’s husband’s brother did NOT make Kim look like a tennis pro on TV after all. Fortunately for us, this opened the door for both Eileen and Kyle to share their own drawn out stories of how they lied to get an acting gig. Kyle pretended to wear glasses for a role and Eileen had an entire motorcycle fall on her frail body. Who wins? I’ll let you decide. Until next week when we get to hear grown ass women talk about cunninglingus, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good set of earmuffs for that pending train wreck.

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Okay so obviously JT and Jimmy Fallon read The Salty Ju because after hearing my cries of a reunion they did a skit together on Tuesday’s Tonight Show. Although it may not have been the full show that I was pleading for, it was just enough of a taste of their terrific bromance, duet and general stupidity to tide me over until JT can make a full appearance. (I’m assuming they filmed this in between JT attending Tay’s 25th and tearing down Brooklyn with Jay-Z)

2. Several sketchy sources have confirmed that Jeets bought a house in Skaneateles. So I’m here to report that Derek Jeter is moving to Skaneateles. Did I read this article and deduct my own story from it? Absolutely. But every one knows that his house in Skan-town will be SOOOO much better than St. Jetersberg. I mean naturally right after I move out of the ‘Nang, the holy specimen that is Jeter moves on in. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Don’t answer that.

(Special thank you to my sister who sent me a text at 6:48AM this morning with this insider info)

Full Article

3. Nick Jonas was dallying around NYC the other day and decided to go into FAO Schwarz (suicide mission at Christmas time…not sure what compelled him to do this) but the result of his visit was an impromptu performance of Jealous on the big piano. Yes please.

4. Ashlee Simpson is officially pregs with her second child. After going through her bad boy phase with Pete Wentz and having her first baby Bronx (why..) several years ago…Ashlee faded into oblivion and was just married to Evan Ross aka son of Diana Ross. This is obviously not news–this is just an excuse for me to post clips from her reality show circa ten years ago when her and Ryan Cabrera were the “it” couple and she was constantly wah-wahing about how Jess gets all the attention. Your weekend laughs are provided by a melodramatic Ash pre-dying her hair goth black to stand out and be edgy.

5. People has their first ever People Magazine Awards last night and provided us with some great fashion moments as well as this worthy nugget from Chris Messina and Mindy Kaling winning best onscreen couple in The Mindy Project. They are the dream couple.

Also Jennifer Lopez made me eat my words from the last awards show that I critiqued her outfit at. SHE IS LITERALLY 45 and she looks like THIS.

More Best Dressed:

Outfits That Sucked:

Movies

Top Christmas Movies

After doing a play by play of the worst quality Christmas movies ever made, I thought it was only right to make a list of the good movies that people at one point paid to see. Here are the classic Christmas flicks that are can’t-misses this (every) holiday season:

1. I’ll Be Home For Christmas (1998) Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Jessica Biel

Classic 90’s Christmas movie full of N*SYNC and Tiger Beat cover boy, JTT. When I first saw this movie my sister and I watched it roughly 7 times within a 3 day Video King rental span and I don’t even regret one second of it. JTT & Jessica Biel are supposedly in college except that they have lockers. Jake (JTT) is a classic prankster always looking to make money so he rents out beepers to help the cool kids in college cheat on their finals. BEEPERS. Resident bad boy, Eddie (Adam Lavorgna for all you 7^th Heaven fans) messes up his plan and then sticks him in a Santa suit and puts him in the desert with no way to get home for Christmas with his hot piece girlfriend Allie (Jessica Biel). Eddie goes in for the steal yo girl moves on Allie and the whole movie is Jake trying to get Allie and also get home for Christmas.

Best Quotes: “Hey jingle balls! Move your candycanes!”-Eddie, “Santa just yammied in my handbag.”, Anything that Nolan the Elf says

Bonus Points: Jessica Biel singing along to Aqua but is also supposed to be the cool hot girl (conflict of interest), JTT being the perfect boyfriend who quotes poetry and has devilish good looks. All the 90’s style and college cliches.

2. Home Alone/Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1990, 1992) McCaulay Culkin, Catherine O’Hara, Joe Pesci

Okay so I got in a legit fight with someone the other night about how Home Alone 2 is better than the original. Yes they’re both A+ movies and it’s not Christmas until you watch Kevin McCallister get into some good ole’ mischief, however, my argument is that Home Alone 2 is better simply because of the hotel employees. Those three idiots MAKE the movie and obviously that’s also what makes 2 different from 1. The opposing argument is that the second is the same exact movie as the first, meaning that the second was a knockoff and unnecessary. I respect the point of view, but I stand by The Sticky Bandits of NY, the idiots who work at the Plaza and the turtle dove ornaments from Mr. Duncan.

I LOOOOVEEE you

Best Quotes: Home Alone: “Buzz! Your girlfriend! Woof!”-Kevin, “Look what you did, you little jerk!”-Uncle Frank (the meanest uncle alive.)

Home Alone 2:“Get outta here you nosy little pervert, or I’m gonna slap you silly!”-Uncle Frank, “Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal, and a Happy New Year!”-Gangster Johnny plus everything else he ever says.

Bonus Points: Buzz calling Kevin a troutsniffer created a nickname that my sisters and I have played out for far too long.

3. Elf (2003) Will Ferrell, Zooey Deschanel, James Caan

I don’t think I’ve seen a Will Ferrell movie I don’t like but can you really go wrong with him in an elf costume frolicking around NYC like it’s the gum drop forest? No, no you can’t. If you’ve never shouted out in a creepy low voice, “Byeeee Buddy, hope you find your dad!” when saying goodbye to someone then I don’t think we can be friends.

Best Quotes: “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?”, “You smell like beef and cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.”, “This place reminds me of Santa’s Workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.”

Bonus Points: Seeing a side of Zooey Deschanel that isn’t the typical quirky, weird character we always see her playing.

4. The Santa Clause/ The Santa Clause 2 (1994/2002) Tim Allen

Again we have another toss up of which one is better. On the one hand, we have the original when Tim Allen was at the top of his game and on the other we have Chet, the new reindeer that will never fail to make me laugh when he bops around the sky and shouts gibberish. Charlie is obviously little and cute in the first one (with a flawless bowl cut) and Tim Allen’s sarcasm, specifically toward Neil’s sweater collection is so on point. The second one features a teenaged surly Charlie, which my pre-teen self had a crush on when this came out, but I can’t be as sympathetic toward him. Your dad is Santa, bro. Stop whining about it and spray painting everything in rebellion.

Best Quotes: The Santa Clause-“The only thing you need to worry about is where you’re going to buy your sweaters after the circus pulls out of town.”, “We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liqour, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women…”

The Santa Clause 2- “I have 33,000 offspring, all in private school.”-Easter Bunny

Bonus Points: The second installment has a super cringe worthy performance from Molly Shannon. Also as noted before, the reindeer babble is A+ comedy. Yes, we’ve already established I have the maturity of a small child.

5. Miracle on 34^th Street (1994) Mara Wilson, Dylan McDermott, Elizabeth Perkins

BERET.

Mara Wilson was absolutely the adorable child actor with the lisp who grew up to be the adult who had the same exact face and haircut as her childhood days and suddenly it was no longer cute. Google a picture of her now. You’ll instantly regret it. Anyway, with her cute little I’m 8 years old but I talk like I’m 45 act and the eye candy that was Dylan McDermott, this movie was a win-win. It’s touch and go for a minute when Santa gets locked in a padded room, but NYC believes and everything turns out AOK. (Sorry if I just spoiled this movie from 1994 for everyone.)

Best Quotes: “I’m not just a whimsical figure who wears a charming suit and affects a jolly demeanor. You know, I’m a symbol. I’m a symbol of the human ability to be able to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives. If you can’t believe, if you can’t accept anything on faith, then you’re doomed for a life dominated by doubt.” That’s some deep shit from Kris Kringle. “Would it please the court if I gave you your Christmas card? I don’t think I’ll see you again. Unless I get arrested which is highly unlikely because it’s Christmas Eve and I’m going to bed uncharacteristically early.”-Susan (Imagine this said with a lisp)

Bonus Points: Dermott’s name in the movie is Brian Bedford, if that’s not the hottest name you’ve ever heard I don’t know what is. He also defends Santa Claus at trial. He’s a real stand-up gent.

6. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) Jim Carrey, Taylor Momsen

Some may still love the cartoon of the Grinch, but I stand by the fact that Jim Carey as the Grinch is literally one of his best roles. Plus we get to see an innocent Taylor Momsen as Cindy Lou Who before she went all bad girl punk rock after Gossip Girl and gave us all the scaries. It still tugs at my little heartstrings when baby grinch gets made fun of by the mayor and wears a paper bag on his head.

Best Quotes: “Am I just eating because I’m bored?”, “Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me – I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing… I’m booked.”

Bonus Points: Seeing Martha May throwing herself at The Grinch who has the green hairy body of a stout pregnant woman.

7. Love Actually (2003) Every British Actor Ever

Ahh an ensemble cast of Brits falling in love during the holidays—sign every guy up to watch this. Just kidding. This movie is obviously a chick favorite, mostly because of Hugh Grant and his dazzling accent/smile. For all men forced to watch it, there is comic relief in Billy Mack the foul-mouthed washed up rockstar making a comeback. This is one of those flicks that should’ve been a Hallmark movie but they ended up getting a little star power behind it. Regardless it instills in our minds that airports are for tearful reunions and never crowded like nightmares at the holidays, Christmas is for telling the truth (and falling in love), and Wisconsin is a vacation spot for Brits.

Best Quotes: “Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!”-Billy Mack, “American girls would seriously dig me with my cute British accent.”-Colin, “Let’s go get the shit kicked out of us by love.”-Sam “I had an uncle called Terence once. Hated him. I think he was a pervert. But I very much like the look of you.”-Prime Minister

Bonus Points: In unconventional love stories we root for the “chubby”, potty-mouthed girl to end up with England’s prime minister. Also we get to see Hugh Grant dance around to 80’s music. Story lines that almost ruin the movie=the porn couple (try watching that with your parents) and the little kid declaring his love for an 8 year old who can belt out All I Want For Christmas Is You. No. Seriously the creepy looking kid almost ruins the movie.

8. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989) Chevy Chase

Full disclozj, I saw this movie for the very first time last year, which is why it fell at the bottom of the list. But it’s obvious as to why this movie is a Christmas classic. It brings out the nightmare that is family Christmas in the most entertaining way possible.

Best Quotes: “Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.”-Eddie, “Hey Griswold. Where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big? Clark-“Bend over and I’ll show you.”

Bonus Points: Trashy Eddie, my fave ❤

The last two movies are mostly added in to make it an even 10 but need to be defined as separate because these are the two holiday movies that you watch when you want to be overwhelmed with the feels and have a big, ugly cry.

9. The Family Stone (2005) Diane Keaton, Sarah Jessica Parker, Dermot Mulroney, Rachel McAdams, Luke Wilson, Claire Danes

The fear of bringing a serious boyfriend/girlfriend home for the holidays and having your family think they’re a real asshole. Sarah Jessica Parker plays the most hated person ever and then some serious shit happens. Get your tissues ready.

10. Jack Frost (1998) Michael Keaton, Kelly Preston

The dad dies within the first 10 minutes of the movie and you already know you’re in for a real depressing couple of hours. He comes back reincarnated as a snowman and tries to mend his relationship with the son he never was there for when he was alive. I stumbled upon this movie this past weekend, not really ready for a good cry but nothing else was on and it was actually embarrassing how hard I cried at the end. So there’s that. The weather has to get warmer at some point and I think we all know what higher temps do for dad ghost snowmen.

Before I get sass as to why A Christmas Story isn’t on this list it’s because I’ve never once seen it. Whoops. Sorry. Baiiiiiiii.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Star Sighting”

I missed the first 20 minutes of this episode. And you know what? I’m not sorry. This episode was as boring as the rest of them have been. SPICE IT UP REAL QUICK BRAVO. Show a pulse. I’m assuming in the 20 minutes that I missed, Bella’s DWI was glossed over and Kyle bragged about how rich and luxurious her family is.

I tuned in just in time to catch Eileen in the dressing room getting ready for her appearance on the Young and the Restless. Another actress on Y&R is paid to sit and drool over Eileen asking her a million questions about her career and what she’s done in soap opera world. Eileen has not killed anyone yet in fake life, however she has raped a priest on Days of Our Lives. She didn’t need to remind me, as I watched it go down in real time. She got away with it for FAR too long if you ask me. Crazy Bitch. She then says she can’t really complain about her job because she gets paid to play pretend and make out with hot men in showers..she tries to complain about how awkward that is but it’s not convincing, or she’s not really a good actress.

We get a whole lot of Monty time this week (that’s Kim’s first husband, father of Brooke who is about to get married.) If you recall from a couple weeks ago when the sisters Richards went wedding dress shopping, Kim revealed that Monty has a whole lot of cancer and is essentially dying. It was a little rough to watch him subject himself to the stupidity that is this show knowing that about his health. Monty and Kim go get pedicures at a SUPER manly nail salon called “Hammers and Nails”. Apparently this is masculine enough for Monty and he’s real into the gab and nails sesh with Kim. Kim tells us she still loves the shit out of Monty but they were best friends and not lovers and got married way too young. She takes a crack at Monty that he robbed the cradle when he married her and then tells a nice story about how Monty disappears for weeks at a time and goes to Vegas and then Kim will come home one day and Monty is in her backyard lurking like a serial killer. He always comes back, that Monty. Kim also does a phenomenal scratchy voice impression of Monty. It’s no wonder she was once an actress.

Lisa—practically the only housewife who hasn’t dabbled in acting or modeling, is being rewarded with a star in Palm Springs this week because apparently her calling is being a voice for the gays. (I’m assuming this is referring to the gay club she built and manages.) Lisa invites some of her gay pals as well as Rinna out to Palm Springs to support her. She makes a point not to invite any of her “friends” because they’ll ruin the special occasion and probably accuse her of buying the honor. (Just throwing it out there, is there proof that she didn’t buy the star?) Anyway her motley crew has a nice group dinner in Palm Springs where she asks Rosia, their maid to join them at the table because Rosia is selfless or something. I’m seriously getting real sick of the Real Maids of Beverly Hills being a subplot every week. No matter how many times a housewife forces her maid into conversation or talks up how much they respect and love them there will always be one thing that happens to prove to everyone that they are the hired help and not actually their BFF’s. For instance, when a lovely conversation of Brazilian waxes and bushes develops at the dinner table, Lisa turns to Rosia and asks her to leave the room like she is a child up past her bedtime and the adults are talking now. Rosia is forced to put her earmuffs on and scurry along to do the dishes. Also a disappointment at this meal: Asian Kevin the sassy shi-shi Beverly Hills event planner is present and yet we don’t hear him speak once. What is the point of Ken making an appearance if he’s not going to be ridiculous entertainment and a contestant in one of my favorite games entitled “let’s see if his face moves.” There is discussion, however, of Max’s new girlfriend who is 15 years older and how much Lisa hates her and Rinna shrinks in her seat because this topic hits a little close to home for her relationship. One would think with the gaggle of friends that Lisa has, she would understand that age differences in marriage is a liiiiiittle touchy. See: her own marriage. Anywho…Max makes an appearance later on with said girlfriend in tow (but not on camera) and shows off a gnarls barkley mustache situation on his face.

At the star presenting ceremony later, everyone is wearing pink in honor of Lisa and she is announced at the red carpet, followed by a formal announcement for Giggy and then…..Ken. Lance Bass makes a cameo in efforts to keep interest level up in this show–it doesn’t really work. Lance makes the speech for Lisa and some saucy comments about his nipples showing and is a liar who tells lies when he says “She has quickly become one of America’s sweethearts.” I’m sorry…are we talking about the same Lisa? Did he confuse Rinna and the Ice Queen because there’s no way I would ever use the term America and sweetheart to describe Lisa Vanderpump. Her star is revealed and has so many titles on it that it’s impossible to believe it would fit on such a small slab. If your star on any walk of fame reads like a resume, you’re obviously not famous.

In the fabulous life of Kyle Richards, though not receiving a star, she probably should be winning the award for best sister because she CUT her European yacht vacation short to attend Brooke’s wedding. Naturally she will not let that slide without a few comments. In particular, she utters, “Kim gets to be the lucky sister…her daughter walks down the aisle first.” Dripping with jealousy. I wouldn’t have been the least bit shocked if she shouted SHE WON at the end. After exclaiming how incredibly tired her family is and how difficult it will be to attend this wedding after weeks laying on a yacht in the Mediterranean, Kyle musters enough energy to celebrate her homecoming with her dogs and gift them with Chanel food and water bowls because she couldn’t take them with her on vacation.

The wedding day has arrived and in addition to being tired, Kyle & Co. are also wildly unprepared, with Kyle calling Kim last minute to ask what everyone is supposed to wear. Seems like a thing that would’ve been discussed among family members before the actual wedding day but that’s neither here nor there. Kim is all sobs on the phone with Kyle as she reminisces on Brooke as a baby and then they talk about their parents who can’t be there. Kyle makes sure they get back to the important matter at hand, which is obviously should Mauricio wear a suit or not. Then Kyle gets ready with her brood and her daughter asks if she can have one of Kyle’s necklaces when she dies and Portia would like a top bun in her hair because she is the fashionista of all flower girls. Across the Hills, Kim gets her makeup and hair done then has a nice sit with Monty’s second wife and they have awkward forced conversation about when they first met in the 70’s or something. Monty arrives in tux and they talk more about how they can’t believe Brooke is getting married because it hasn’t been directly discussed enough and Monty says something along the lines of “Our moms are watching and stuff.” Say what you will about Monty but the man is extremely eloquent.

And finally the wedding is here and as the clock ticks we see that this episode’s plot was not the wedding itself, but Kim blubbering on about the wedding to anyone who will listen before it actually happens. The wedding takes place at Kathy Hilton’s house because OF COURSE. Kathy is the stand-in mom for Kim and Kyle during this event, according to Kyle. I was gleefully waiting for Kathy to tell Kim she looked like a pile of dogshit but unfortunately she was on her best behavior most likely forced to sign a gag order from Kim so the day could be perfect. Kim still has the wah-wahs and can’t pull her shit together moments before the wedding with her sisters surrounding her and they are just barely entertaining this sobfest. They look at her like they’re looking at a child trying to string a coherent sentence together and then Kim probably realizes that Kathy is telling her with her eyes to knock it off and the wedding begins. The groom’s name is THAYER and he dips Brooke for their first kiss getting way too caught up in the theatrics of their wedding being on a cable network. That’s literally all we see of the wedding and all you’ll ever need to know about it. Congrats on sitting through another terribly boring episode of women behaving and talking a lot about their family and maids. Tune in next week for a PROMISING group event at Kyle’s that could create some group friction and if it doesn’t, I officially give up, like Lance Bass clearly did when he agreed to appear on this show.

Country, Television

American Country Countdown Awards Recap

Hey didn’t you guys know that if you’re a country fan you get 100 awards show per year? Well gr8 news, they just added this one into the mix. In it’s first year, broadcast on Fox, it’s an awards show based off of the country countdown that airs weekly via Kix Brooks. (I’m guessing this is a southern thing because I’ve honestly never heard this countdown once in my life). Anyway there’s no better time to air a trial-run awards show than when all the network shows are on break. The format of these awards is that they’re all fan-voted and have been solicited via the artists on twitter for weeks now asking for votes. Each award is announced with 5 “nominees” ranked by how many votes they got and the number one or the winner then performs and accepts the award post-performance. I tuned in (full disclosure: all to see Brett Eldredge perform and win) and decided to recap it because there were some great outfits and great performances…and of course some real bombs. As per usual, let’s take a peek at the highs and lows…but first, a few words about our hosts.

There’s no quicker way to make an awards show a train wreck than to have two country bros who strictly sing about getting high and drunk, host it all. Admittedly, I have been against FGL showing up at awards shows for as long as they’ve been disgracing fashion, country and men all over the world with their bedazzled vests that they consistently don’t wear shirts under. Don’t get me wrong, I love their music and it’s catchy AF but it’s a real struggle to watch these two live in action without cringing a whole lot. Exhibit A, BK and Ty enter the show and immediately strip off layers so that they’re just wearing wife beaters, setting the tone for a real fashionable hosting gig. Then they each proceed to use the word “brother” after every thing that they read from the prompter. (Sort of like the Hulk but a little less rapey.) Don’t worry though, they mention the open bar twice in their intro comments and with that they’ve welcomed you to what will henceforth be known as the White Trash Bash, official name change pending.

Highlights:

-Carrie Underwood starts the show off performing a medley of her greatest hits in a big blue ball gown. She’s wearing a power ring and belting out the high notes as the true hit-maker of country. Also they make sure to pan a camera to her hubby for any lyric that could be emotionally related to their baby.

-Maddie & Tae present for the FGL win/performance and they crush the sparkly mini look and make the creepster Scotty McCreery wish he could get with them. Put that tongue away, Scotty, nice try.

-Reba McEntire wins the very first Nash Icon award, Miranda Lambert & Kelly Clarkson perform a tribute for her but since she ain’t dead, Reba hops right in on the action and the three of them perform “Fancy”. Although I’m not a Reba fan at all, the entire crowd was real into this performance, it was well done and fun to watch the joint bumpin. Miranda looked like a smoke for this performance (she had to make up for her earlier outfit…see “nightmares” list below)

-Brett “Sex” Eldredge wins Song of the Year with “Beat of the Music” and performs it wearing an eggplant colored polka dot button down, top buttons undone much like myself when he took the stage. He is literally perfect. So it’s whatevs.

-Speaking of hot men…Chase Rice–where have you been all my life?

-Although Kip Moore won the Breakthrough Artist of the Year despite the fact that he’s broken through and has been an established country singer for about 3 years now…I let it slide because he played “Hey Pretty Girl” (also an old song..but I digress) and they showed Carrie’s other half singing along real passionately and it was pretty adorbs. Even Carrie looked at him and was like aw that’s cute. (I’m assuming.)

-Lady A performs “Freestyle” plus a little bit of “Bartender” in front of the OPEN BAR, BROTHER. I digged it. These three always deliver the goods.

Nightmares:

-Luke Bryan wins Male Vocalist and performs “Roller Coaster.” I’ve had ENOUGH. The next time Luke performs a slow song at an awards show without a backwards hat and suggestive gyrating dance moves I’m going to be forced to turn the TV off. I will not support this for one more second. Get it together, Luke. On a more serious side, (and this belongs on the highlights list) after he accepted the award he gave a heartfelt thank you to the fans and all of his fellow country music stars for supporting him through another family loss a week or so ago and it got teary in here for a moment.

-FGL takes the stage to perform “Sun Daze” and Mullet is wearing a full camo outfit (cutoff obviously & cargo shorts), a camoutfit if you will, paired with red kicks. BK is wearing SWEATPANTS and a wife beater. SWEAT. PANTS. Thanks for dressing up for the occasion, boys.

-And along the same lines as super yucky outfits, Miranda performs a new song “Platinum” wearing a tacky sparkle slouch neck and knee length, acid washed, jean skirt. The song doesn’t do it for me but also I sincerely hope that no one expected me to focus on anything other than that abomination of a skirt. (She got the memo and pulled that shit together real quick for Reba’s performance.)

-Miss America or as we all know her, the girl that won a pageant by stealing the “Cups” scene from a movie that’s two years old, presented an award. Also FGL couldn’t pronounce her name. Shocking turn of events.

-Hunter Hayes is out past his curfew to present Album of the Year (Eric Church wins). Side Note: I’ve officially never seen Erich Church’s eyes because they’re always secured behind a pair of aviators because the sun never sets on cool?

-FGL swiftly ruins Christmas, or turns it into a holiday that Eddie from Christmas Vacation would attend, when they each turn Santa’s suit into cutoffs and make creepy sexual innuendos about his “sack”(camo of course). I wanted to set myself on fire.

-Vince Vaughn fulfills the quota of person who absolutely doesn’t belong at this awards show. He’s apparently bros with Kenny Chesney & presents the Groundbreaker award to Ken-dawgs.

-There is no music to cut off the “thank you” speeches and it is sorely missed. Ramble city, population: everyone.

And there you have it. I would call it an all around successful awards show with equal parts highlights and nightmares. Until next time…I leave you with this.

The Salty Ju

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