RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Wining and Dining”

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This was an action-packed episode with lots of conflict, wine tossing, and Babyface. Yeah you heard me, recording artist, Babyface. But before we get right to another installment of Yolanda and David’s sing along with a side of dinner party, we need to discuss Brandi. My gurl Brandi used to be funny and inapprops with a hint of asshole but this season she’s just been full-on asshole and I’m really not loving it. This latest episode was the Brandi show and starts out with Brandi and Lisa lunching…yayyy more awkward stare-offs and high-pitched questions. Brandi pretty much handles the lunch like she didn’t do all that much wrong and then we’re all reminded that she literally slapped Ken and he hates her stinkin guts and Lisa says he’ll probably never forgive her. I never thought I’d side with the Ice Queen in this fight but Brandi essentially had no defense and was just talking in circles and was like k so we’re good? We can have fun again? Lisa told her to pick up the bill and she’d consider being civil then she ordered Cristal and filet mignon and probably bankrupted the fragile Brandi whose still paying off that house that she just warmed.

In the second segment of the Brandi show, Yolanda, Rinna, Brandi and Eileen gather for dinner and discuss heartwarming topics like Rinna’s husband being the same age as Brandi’s dad. Eileen then tells a love story about how her and her husband left their marriages to be together. Brandi fakely tells her thanks for sharing and being so brave and honest. Most importantly we are forced to endure far too many minutes with Eileen wearing a stupid straw bucket hat that I’m positive she borrowed from Ashley Olsen circa 1998 in Billboard Dad. Aren’t they in a nice restaurant? She finally takes her hat off and flips her hair, which unfortunately becomes the catalyst to Brandi’s latest antic. Brandi gets excited at Eileen being sassy and then tries to get her to reenact a scene from Days of our Lives and Eileen was like I’m NOT A TRAINED SEAL, I WON A G-D EMMY and Brandi throws a glass of wine on her because she wouldn’t perform. Everyone at the table is shocked and worst of all Eileen puts that straw hat back on, soon to be followed by blue sunglasses I assume but before she can Brandi defends herself by saying “I was going for a soap opera moment,” rather than just admitting she wanted to punish Eileen for being a home wrecker. Everyone at the table hates Brandi. Check, please.

The grand finale of the episode and another platform for Brandi to make everyone despise her is one of Yolanda’s infamous dinner parties where there is sure to be hearts on place card drama and a cringeworthy sing along with her creepy husband at the piano. Also Babyface. Yolanda hires her friend to plan the party but makes it very clear that she did not hire someone to plan the dinner party, cause they’re friends. Yolanda then goes for the total shock factor and does her own nails before the party, I mean it’s not like she’ll have a chance to ruin them. The guests begin to arrive and we get to the part of the night where I wish really hard that I had a glass of wine in my hand and turned this dinner party into a drinking game. The wine-throwing incident is re-told 6 times throughout the course of the evening. That’s not an exaggeration. I counted…and wished I were sipping. Eileen is treating Brandi like a Days superfan that sent her human hair and a ransom note in the mail. Brandi arrives and Eileen makes a big scene about it saying she feels weird and like she’s in high school while she acts like she is in high school. Yo tells Brandi that she’s in time out and Brandi’s like yeah, yeah yeah, Eileen let’s talk one on one. Eileen asks, “Did you leave the weirdo superfan at home?” Brandi fesses up to being a real jerk and gives Eileen a necklace as a peace offering because she has too many h8ers right now. Eileen’s like yeah you’re a creep but I accept your apology I guess. Kim rolls in wearing a leather top and her hair in mermaid curls looking like she’s about to hit the club. It’s almost like she knew Babyface was going to be there. Everyone showers her with compliments and she flips her hair all around and is like I KNOW, RIGHT?! Lisa calls Babyface, “Papaface”. Yo makes a toast where she slobbers all over David in front of everyone. The Emmy is toasted (second drinking game..Eileen’s Emmy is mentioned 4+times.) Yo also toasts the opening of Pump with a not so sly dig for the opening that no one was invited to. “Moving on,” she sneers.

Brandi didn’t get a toast for anything so she feels like it’s probably time to turn everyone’s attention back to her, which is normally Kyle’s job…hmm. David tells Brandi to stop flirting with Babyface because his wife is literally right next to him and she retaliates by saying his wife is beautiful but B-Face could’ve given her a bigger ring. Apparently in drunken Brandi world, if you don’t have a big diamond, it means your husband is cheating on you. Logical. S’mores are next in the second longest dinner party ever (first longest is obviously the one at Kyle’s with E-cig medium Allison). Yo adorably prances around the bonfire in her monochromatic outfit and everyone eats charred marshmallows. Brandi has turned real sloppy real quick and starts slobbering over the Days of Our Lives girls again. They sneak away from her right about the time she climbs into David’s lap and reconvene in the living room to talk shit about her and how sad her life is.

Finally we’ve arrived at the creepy sing along and not a moment too soon. This time Babyface is going to ad lib a sexy song and the topic that is given to him is “I love my life.” Digging real deep here for musical inspiration. David explains the rules of the game and apparently makes a finger gesture that Brandi shouts out looks like he’s finger banging and she asks if that can also be included in the original number that is about to be performed. Babyface proves to be the hugely talented star that he is by singing I love my life and I love finger banging over and over again while David tickles the ivories. The CREATIVITY IS THROUGH THE ROOF. Quick, give me a guitar and I’ll top this. David obviously forces everyone to riff off of this new chart-topper and silently judges all of their terrible singing voices. Everyone should be ashamed for being a part of this. Except for Eileen, because she has an Emmy. Oh and did you hear? Brandi threw wine on her. Drink.

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