#TBT- High School Dance Playlist

I’d like to bring us all back to a magical time when the girls were taller than the boys, the hip hop was full of dirty references that sailed over our heads and grinding at a school dance was prohibited, but we did it anyway. Ah yes, the fast and loose days of middle school/high school dances, where boys become squeakier awkward boys who are unsure of hand placement and girls become rap video hoes. Here’s a playlist of the best high school dance jams of the mid-2000’s that we can now listen to while we drink alcohol, legally.

DISCLAIMER: NSFW, Includes inapprops songs & lyrics

Fun fact: My high school made national news for our “lewd and suggestive dancing” AKA grinding while I was there and it got to the point where they distributed bracelets at dances and after three strikes of getting caught writhing your bodies together, bracelets were snipped and teens were tossed. Keep that in mind as you listen to this playlist. (Also fellow FM’ers relive the article here.)

1. Golddigger-Kanye West Ft. Jamie Foxx. Hey remember when Kanye was young and unknown and had that cute little chubby face and adorbs smile? WHUT HAPPENED. This song is a classic hate on yo bitches song. She pops out a few kids and now she’s getting a weekly check from her baby daddy? UH UH, HONEY.

Best Lyric: She was supposed to buy your shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money (MAY HE R.I.P)
Should’ve got that insured got GEICO for your money, money, money

2. Shake Ya Tailfeather-Nelly Ft. Murphy Lee & P. Diddy. The only time I would hear cop sirens at a dance is when this beat started spinning. Nelly and the Bad Boyz told me to shake my ass around in a nice bird comparison and suddenly it was classy and cool instead of inapprops. When they rapped about collecting so much grass Popo thinking they mow lawns, I actually thought they were in the landscaping biz. I wisened up around sophomore year.

Best Lyric: Is that your ass or your momma have reindeer? I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

3. Promiscuous- Nelly Furtado Ft. Timbaland. No shame, this song is still 100% my jam. My gurl Nelly going from singing folk songs about being like a bird to telling Timbaland to listen up if he wants to get laid and I respect the hell outta her hustle.

Best Lyric: I’m out of this world come with me to my planet. Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it? No Nelly, no I cannot.

4. Lean Back- Fat Joe. JOE CRACK THE DON UH. This song was one of the first that created a dance that white chicks looked real stupid doing. Please picture a group of 12 year olds standing in a circle wearing the same ribbed tanks and flared jeans all simultaneously leaning back. That’s hood right there.

Best Lyric: Listen we don’t pay admission, And bouncers don’t check us, And we walk around the metal detectors. And there really ain’t no need for a VIP section in the middle of the dance floor, Reckless, check it, said it?! That’s totally how me and my bitches would roll at the dances too, VIP for days.

5. London Bridge (Oh Shit)- Fergie. Fergie Ferg split from the Black Eyed Peas and set out to show everyone she’s still a baddddd bitchhh. She has a real knack for taking a precious children’s song and making it into a slutty anthem about dropping dem drawers. Confession time, I went to a Black Eyed Peas concert (free tix) at the same time that Fergz released this song and saw her perform it live and writhe around on stage and it was SO WORTH IT.

Best Lyric: That Grey Goose got your girl feelin loose. Now Im wishin that I didn’t wear these shoes. Story of my life, amirite ladies?

6. Mesmerize- Ja Rule Ft. Ashanti. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I would like to live in a world where Ja & Ashanti still churn out back to back fire hip-hop jams with disgusting sexual innuendos. These two were a dynamic duo and unfortunately Ja Rule had to go and get himself locked up and that pretty much ceased all MTV hip hop jams. I understand that this is more of a slow jam, but I could not in good conscience make a throwback mix without these two musical geniuses. I mean, they recreated Grease for their music video…THAT body suit.

Best Lyric: Now you street promotin the dick game is potent Cause in the bed a n**** go hard like Jordan. Ja certainly didn’t have confidence issues in the bedroom. Runner Up: I’ve got a fetish for f****ing you with your skirt on. Yes.

7. Tipsy- J-Kwon. I sincerely apologize that this isn’t the version that starts out with our boy J-Kwon lecturing that teen drinking is very bad before he declares he has a fake ID though. What a BAMF. Was this the song that started the phase of saying Errebody instead of Everybody? I hope so. Do I still use it every once and a while? Yes I do. Sue me. This is the first song (but certainly not the last) I added to this playlist where I read the lyrics and was shocked at how disgusting they were because I clearly didn’t know them in middle school.

Best Lyric: Dude I don’t care I’m a P.I.M.P. Seriously another thing I still say. I think the moral of the story here is that I need new material.

8. Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani. Punk rock girl goes rapper/badass?! Sign me up. It married my love for emo punk music and my love for spelling the word bananas. I distinctly remember this song being released before the 8^th grade trip to Cleveland and the few lucky ones that had the very first iPod loaded that shit up for the bus ride there. There was a lot of headphone sharing and lapsitting (13 year old hormones) and they probably also played it on our shitty 8^th grade dance cruise on some body of water in Ohio. What a killer trip.

Best Lyric: OBVIOUSLY Let me hear you say this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

9. Milkshake-Kelis. Ah the best kind of hip-hop song is about food with sexual meanings. I grew up thinking a milkshake was a nice cold beverage usually with chocolate flavor. Kelis stomped that out of my brain real quick with this song. Milkshake is now the goods, and it BRINGS DEM BOYZ. My mom recently got this song title during Christmas game night as a song that she had to hum and get us to guess…there was drinking involved and she just kept shouting GIRLS ALL AROUND to the tune of Milkshake and no one guessed it. Apparently we have very different memories of this song. Regardless my point being that even moms can get down with this sick beat.

Best Lyric: La la-la la la, Warm it up. Lala-lalala, The boys are waiting (Not a lot of substance here, Kelis.)

10. Hey Ya-Outkast. Ah another cool song that created a movement of white girls trying to learn a music video dance move. The “Shake it like a Polaroid picture” spastic motion. It was COOL, guys. No but actually Outkast WAS awesome. They could sing the stupidest lyrics and it would be legit. (Ex: Roses really smell like poo.) Anyway they made talking in a song sound smooth even though I hate it in every other song. I’ve never wanted to lend sugar to my neighbor more.

Best Lyric: Don’t want to meet your momma, just want to make you cum-a. Seriously, moms and cumming in the same sentence, Bravo sir, Bravo.

11. Yeah!- Usher Ft. Lil Jon & Ludacris. This song was a straight up dance staple. I think they played it at every dance I went to from 7^th grade to 12^th grade and if they ever play it in a bar I’m in it’s a surefire way to get me to do the Q-tip. Just kidding, I dance better than that. Sort of. I’m pretty proud of this song because it was the first one where I memorized an entire rapper’s cameo word for word. Luda was my boy and mostly because he rapped slow enough and enunciated so that I could keep up. He was the Drake while Drake was still Jimmy in a wheelchair at Degrassi High. That said, his entire verse in this song is still the best thing I’ve ever heard. He wins best lyric, but if I have to pick just one…

Best (Most repeatable) Lyric: We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Life goals.

12. We Be Burnin- Sean Paul. Mostly put this on so that I can remind everyone of this Jamaican accented man who put out the same song over and over and everyone still loved it so hard. He also referred to himself as Sean dah Paul. Not sure why. I learned a lot while looking through these lyrics, mostly that Sean dah Paul did not speak a lick of English. I pulled the one lyric that made the most sense to me…and that’s saying a lot.

Best Lyric: Cause the girls we be poking have to smoking. Note: Sean ain’t gonna poke ya unless you smoke, LADieZZ.

13. Overnight Celebrity-Twista. You know how Jason DeRulo claimed that he could make me famous on Instagram last year in “Wiggle”? I hate to break it to ya Jason, but Twista was the original talent scout. He didn’t have Instagram yet, but he could put you on the Soul Train Awards. Boom Roasted. Game over with me ever trying to rap along with this song. Seriously I think Twista is the fastest rapper ever. So much street cred though. Bonus points for the chick who sounds like a pterodactyl climaxing mid-song.

Best Lyric: Girl I see you, in them apple bottom jeans, Chinchilla on your back, I wanna know your name. YES. Apple. Bottom. Jeans. Wait Chinchilla? Ew.

14. Get Low- Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz. You always know it’s going to be a legit song when you’re dealing with Boyz with a Z. This song came on and all the horny and dirty little teenagers rubbed their hands together and got ready to scream “TIL THE SWEAT DRIPS DOWN MY BALLS” at the top of their lungs when the pre-approved Melvin of a DJ inevitably played the clean, over-edited version. I’m pretty sure the principal threatened to cut the song completely one night because we wouldn’t stop screaming about sweaty balls and skeet skeeting. I thank Lil Jon every day for that. I’m pretty sure this is where Jersey turnpiking also started.

Best Lyric: Lil Jon and the East side boys wit me and we all like to see ass and titties. Classic T&A. Also if we’re being honest this whole song is a best lyric. WHO comes up with that chorus?!

15. 1,2 Step-Ciara. Luckily for me I have a friend named Sierra and this song has NEVER died out. If your friendship blossoms around a time when your friend’s name is in a cool song that’s something you milk for the rest of their life. I don’t think she once entered a room in middle school without someone singing, “The Princess is here—–CIIIARRRRRAAAA.” Not a bad greeting, if you ask me. Missy Elliott may have helped out on this song but Ciara handled herself pretty well for a fresh chick to the scene. Also I just noticed this is probably the cleanest song on this playlist. You’re welcome, Adults.

Best Lyric: I eat fillet mignon, And I’m nice and young, Best believe I’m number one. Anyone who rhymes Filet Mignon wins all the awards. I miss Missy.

16. Hot in Herre- Nelly. NELLY and his DAMN piece of tape/bandaid under his eye. What a goon. I’m pretty sure most girls would dance to this by actually stripping off their zip up hoodie, so parents please feel comforted in the fact that your young daughters learned how to strip before they learned how to drive. It’s Nelly’s fault really. He condoned taking your clothes off when the temps rise. And boy did those gyms get WARM. (Side note: I had a real moral dilemma choosing between this song and Flap Your Wings because it was equally as defining a moment when Nelly taught us how to drop down and get our eagle on.)

Best Lyric: So take it off like your home alone, You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone, Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend, like “girl I think my butt gettin big” (To be clear I’ve never stared at myself naked while I’m on the phone with my friends.)

17. Lady Marmalade- Christina Aguilera, Pink, Mya, Lil Kim. Here’s the long overdue lady jam of the playlist. A bunch of divas get together and sing about getting banged in French, Moulin Rouge, style. Apparently they all hated each other but I don’t care because they tolerated each other long enough to make this song that I can wail along to with my Xtina hands in full motion. Also this is another great song that taught young girls how to act like prostitutes. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch though, adults because let’s all remember that today’s youth is listening to Nicki Minaj rap about her ladybits innaprops style while shaking her butthole on MTV. Jus sayin. We were golden compared to that.

Best Lyric: We drink wine with diamonds in the glass by the case the meaning of expensive taste. YEAH girls who get mistaken for whores drinking WINE=CLASSY.

18. In Da Club- 50 Cent. TECHNICALLY Candy Shop was more the time period of school dances for me, but In Da Club is 5000x better and will always be a classic, hope you’re cool with me picking it instead of licking 50’s lollipop. 50 Cent came out of no where and all anyone knew about him was that he got shot 9 times. What an air of mystery he had. This music video consists of him doing sit-ups upside down and bullet wounds or not, bro’s got like an 18-pack. Anyway, this one glorious song opened the door for dorky dads to say “Go shorty, it’s your birthday” for the rest of time.

Best Lyric: Been hit wit a few shells but I don’t walk wit a limp.- A few? NINE.

19. Don’t Cha- Pussycat Dolls Ft. Busta Rhymes. Ah, I bet you thought you would snake on through this playlist without PCD, but I HAD to. Yeah they’re a bunch of glorified strippers who were put together as a girl group with one actual talented singer, but THEY WERE THE VOICES OF OUR GENERATION. Just kidding. They popped out good dance jams and were obviously feminists. (Ex: Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?) True life, I never wanted anything more than I wanted a PCD hoodie with the cool words written over the top of the hood.

Best Lyric: Tryna put it on me till my balls black an blueish. Hey Busta, let’s cool it with the visuals for a second.

20. My Love- Justin Timberlake Ft. T.I. AHHHHHHH JT

Best Lyric: (Trust me) You don’t really wanna let the chance go by ’cause you ain’t been seen wit a man so fly. TRUTH. Who turns down JT? There is no flyer man.

Whether you listen to this playlist while you’re boozin or running, never forget that you once gyrated to each song in a dark gym or cafeteria with lame streamers hanging from the walls and the smell of sweaty teens wafting through the air. You’re welcome.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Just A Scratch”

We start off this week back at the scene of the crime. There’s a chalked out figure at the bottom of Eileen’s marble stairs in the Haunted Mansion. Just kidding, Kyle peeled herself off of the floor, leaving a residue of spray tan and popped back in for round 2 with Brandi. The limp slice of pizza stays stuck to the ground and it seems to be Kim’s main concern. Before asking about Kyle, Kim urgently inquires, “Where’s my pizza?” Brandi barks that she threw it on the ground and seriously what a waste of a good slice. These bitches have a full time housekeeping staff I think it’s safe to say they have floors you could eat off of. But anyway, I’m getting hangry and off topic.

Kyle is in hysterics and keeps demanding to talk to her sister, telling Brandi to see herself out because she’s certainly not family and also she hurt Kyle’s finger beyond repair. The scuffle pours out into the driveway and our moderator of the evening who couldn’t hack it at his job, Vincent, peers out from the garage window and his expression looks like he’s seen the front lines of a battle. There’s bloodshed everywhere—Brandi has Kyle pinned against the garage showing her ghetto side and Vincent may never recover from what he saw. Pills babbles on about how her BFF is in a WWF Smackdown with her sister and she’s suuuuper conflicted. Kyle gives up and storms off… to sit in the driveway in a limo, waiting for a carpool buddy. Rinna takes one for the team and hops in with Kyle. The whole way home Rinna tells Kyle that she thinks Boozy & Pills are a couple of addicts and need to get to rehab, stat. I’m no expert but I’m gonna bet that this single clip comes back to bite Rinna in those juicy lips at the reunion.

Eileen dissects the worst party ever that ended in severe injuries (an owie finger and an arm scratch) with Vincent the magenta crayon. Eileen rationalizes sisters getting in scraps when they’re younger but when they’re grown ass women it’s just unacceptable. Vincent the naïve little doe goes “Can’t we all just get along?” As he has murderous PTSD flashbacks of Kyle restrained at the garage and Kim screeching like a banshee. No, baby Vincent, we cannot all get along; otherwise the entire Bravo network would cease to exist.

Back in the BH, our fair icy Queen has returned from vacay to the land of poker night fist fights and sits upon a throne surrounded by her toy dogs awaiting the arrival of Rumpy. (Who is no longer a little fluffy puppy.) Apparently they sent him away for several months because he wouldn’t stop eating Lisa’s custom-made pastel silk shirts. Rumpy comes back with a girlfriend, Avery, who Lisa points out several times is fat as shit. This dog will be on a diet within the week but damnit does all this puppy playtime put a smile on my face. Lisa essentially runs a kennel now and fingers crossed some of her little fur-less yippers that create nightmares for me are edged out of the estate by Rumpy and GF, Hunger Games style.

Later on, the girls all get ready for Rinna’s charity jewelry party. It’s important to Rinna that it be the best party ever otherwise she’ll feel like a complete garbage can failure at life. Eileen goes over to Lisa’s estate and must get past the guard swans to get in. She passes the test without mutilation by a creature named Hanky and they dissect the boozy/pills rumble together and look at Lisa’s closet. Eileen asks if Lisa ever struts around naked with heels in her massive closet and Lisa’s like but of course, so Eileen offers her knucks. Lisa has no clue what that is, probably because it was a phrase used in 2001. Eileen is totally the chick who still calls stuff “bitchin”.

Kyle talks to Mauricio in depth about Kim being in the hospital and knows absolutely nothing about what is wrong with her or why she’s there. So GO FIND OUT KYLE, GAWD YOU’RE SO USELESS. Instead she gets ready for the jewelry party. Yo comes over wearing jean capris and a tube top with matching cardigan tied around her neck. She is literally the picture of casual perfection while Kyle does her hair like it’s the Oscars and has a tight club dress on. It’s a jewelry party, Kyle, T it down. Yo hears the story from the night before and is shocked to hear that grown women with children are getting into a physical fight. I’m guessing that Yo is not a fan of Mob Wives.

It’s Lia Sophia/Silpada/Stella & Dot Party Time!!!! Denise Richards is at the party, I’m assuming to audition for next season’s cast (a replacement for Eileen obv). She chats with Lisa because they both have dogs and Lisa brings up Charlie Sheen. Sheen and Lisa’s cars both got stolen at the same time and driven off a cliff. Cool story, Lisa.

Yo takes B aside and tells her maybe she should stop getting slob kebab drunk at every party and there won’t be brawls. Brandi says she can do whatever the fahk she wants. Eileen follows Yo in this lecturefest and tells B that she was offended by the comments Brandi made about her house being similar to the attic of Beetlejuice and also her incessant cursing. Brandi half-asses an apology, not looking Eileen in her eyes and bounces outta there right quick. These two really have a blossoming friendship.

Kyle talks about her upcoming party for the gays, because in Hollywood every event is solely for each lady to hawk their NEXT event. Kyle pretends to be cheeky and says on the invite, “bring your tops and bottoms–and I don’t mean your bikinis.” Rinna quite literally has no idea what this means. She tries to work it out and still hasn’t caught on to the dirty joke. It’s real embarrassing and such a Yolanda thing to do. Rinna feels as though she’s let down her gays, which she obviously has by not understanding a simple sex joke. (Can you tell this was an uneventful episode after the hoedown throwdown? Cause it really was.)

The episode ends on a meeting of new allies, Kyle and Lisa grab dinner to scheme about their mutual hate for Brandi. Kyle admits that she doesn’t trust Brandi anymore and feels she deserves an apology. Lisa then uses her powers of mood control to convince Kyle that they’re on the same page with Brandi and a flag is raised for Team Klisa. Good luck B-dawgs, you’re working against a united front now, and the newbies will be swooped up in due time as well. A new battle is coming and I can only hope it’s at a tennis party that Vincent & Eileen throw so that there will be soaring balls involved.

Best Quote of the night: Eileen- “Oh shut up, how about a little Neosporin? Get a grip, I’m going over there.” Eileen giving 0.0 F’s about this world star hip hop video developing in her driveway. Oh her bracelet jabbed you? RUB SOME DIRT IN IT.

Most Humbling Moment of the night: Yo, the woman who has her vitamins delivered to her in an individual baggie by her maid every morning, doesn’t know how to work Face Time and it’s adorbsies.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- A Date Made for Bimbos, A Show Made For Bimbos

This week on Keeping up with the Kardashians, err sorry; Cinderella crossover event, shit I mean, The Bachelor…KardASHLEY steals the show as a one-woman crying princess virgin and we are forced to watch a bunch of previews of the new Cinderella movie.

Group Date #1-Natty Ice on the Lake

The first group date is described with “Lets do what feels natural,” so obviously KardASHLEY fixes her weave and puts on a crop top that shows her fake D cups underboob style, you know, just really natural. Chris brings the girls to a lake. I know this because Chris says, “Well obviously we’re at a lake,” as he squints at the ladies and tries to remember how it is he got there.

Kardashley wants to find a way to break out of her shyness so she sheds her cut-off jean shorts that are getting lost in her lady bits, strips her Americana bikini top off and jumps in, Kaitlyn quickly follows suit (pun intended) by dropping her bottoms and showing everyone her buhhole. Kelsey is over this date and wants to stab her eyes out…hey Kelsey, try watching this show every week for two hours. ZING. Kelsey loves Lake Michigan and not trashy lakes with skinny dippin hoes.

The surprise of the day comes when Chris announces, WE’RE CAMPING, GUYS AND ALL YOU HAVE WITH YOU ARE YOUR SKIMPY BIKINIS. (Just kidding, production gives them a change of clothes and what a shame that is.) They all gather round the campfire and sing kumbaya. If kumbaya means passing around a bottle of fireball and talking shit about whoever has “stolen” Chris for a minute. Kelsey puts on a front for Chris and everyone plots to drag her tent into the lake in the middle of the night for her to ironically drown amidst the dirty water. Chris dresses up like a bear and shakes the tents. (StEEEVEEENNNN) I mean, Chris puts an avengers mask on and screams and all the girls are like, “Oh, hey, Chris.

Our resident LoonyToon OP goes on another tangent, as she’s known to do when the moon is full and she’s outdoors. She whispers worldly questions like, “What are you?” and then reveals it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters in OP’s world, except her prescription meds. The girls try to save Chris from OP using his skin as a blanket to keep warm in her tent. Kardashley only wore a bikini but miraculously has 3 different lipsticks she keeps applying. They make out (KardASHLEY still kisses like a virgin) and she tells Chris she has a crush on him and always feels like she has a unibrow around him, instead of perfectly painted on brows. Chris sleeps with his tent open so that someone can come in and accidentally fall onto his dick. Since Chris is dead asleep, Kardashley feels it’s a good time to tell him she’s pure and wife material. These girls have such a sense of timing. Chris is a moron and doesn’t understand that Ashley still has a hymen but pretends to anyway. Oh and Kaitlyn gets a rose.

Sister Wives

Back at the ranch, Chris’s sisters arrive to interview the ladies and review their resumes full of extracurriculars and no actual work experience to pick the right date for their brother. Jillian wastes no time introducing these three Iowa-bred ladies to what a black bar censor is for. When asked what she does, Jade replies, “I model for like a website for clothing.” Is that what they’re calling porn these days, Jade? You learn something new every day. Carly cries and says men aren’t nice to her or something. Jade must’ve won them over with her career choices and gets a date fit for a princess.

Kardashley is the biggest jelly belly in America that Jade won and gives a solid campaign as to why she’s actually a princess. Cause people call her one, duh. A lady with fluffy pink hair and Edna’s glasses from the Incredibles charges into the house and shouts JADEEEE in an ear-shattering voice. She has come to make Jade into Cinderella obviously. Today’s Cinderella wears Loubs and diamond earrings and Jade gets to keep it all in addition to a glass full of Kardashley’s tears to quench her princess thirst. Jade wears a paisley dress, over the top diamond strands and braided bun to the ball and she honestly looked better in her bikini and stilettos last week. There’s a lot of not so sly cross-promotion of the new Cinderella movie.

Jade’s Royal Ball

Chris practices his ballroom dancing by himself like a tool while also tearing up that he’s a prince. Bro, dreaming about fairytales is for chicks, grow a pair. The conversation flows nicely. Chris asks, “What do you do here?” and Jade replies, “I was engaged once before.” Nailed it. Jade & Chris nod like bobbleheads at every word each other says. The weatherman of Boston cuts in just in the nick of time to make sure I don’t have to listen to Chris make a rose speech tonight. I’m assuming Jade gets it cause then they’re dancing. HEY WE GET IT, CINDERELLA IS COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU. Jade has a hard time separating reality from a film…we’re dancing and they’re dancing and we’re all together dancing, she muses like a organic makeup creating philosopher. A midnight curfew stops Jade from getting porked right there in her ball gown.

Meanwhile, Kardashley can’t let it the F go that she didn’t get a princess date. She eats corn by herself in her princess dress and a full face of makeup. What goes better with corn than champagne? Kardashley is the limp rose that needs more water.

Group Date #2-None of These Women Should be Wearing White

They all get tacky wedding dresses and go to San Francisco. Jillian looks like a pig wearing lipstick and wedge sneakers. The gals are doing a “muckfest” for MS, so like it’s not for our entertainment, it’s for charity. Jillian takes a dump on everyone else in the competition and most of them quit after they hit the mud for the first time. Carly asks a valid question when she wonders if Jillian’s dick is bigger than Chris’s. I for one hope we never find out. Chris lifts Jillian after she wins and I was floored that she didn’t lift him first.

Jillian’s Skyline Yapfest

Jillian & Chris enjoy a romantic evening together. By the looks of Chris’s face when Jillian is talking, he is holding in several farts. Chris can’t comprehend her muscle talk so he thinks about unicorns and stuff. Side note: ARE WE SURE CHRIS IS STRAIGHT? DID WE CHECK ON THAT? (Flashback to Chris revealing he’s touchy feely earlier and crying over being a prince…) Anyway, Jillian is still motor mouthing about her dad/her muscles and doesn’t know how a “would you rather” works and gives Chris a really shitty one about homeless people sex and Chris in turn doesn’t give her a rose. Learn a better Would You Rather, Jillian. I’ve got one- Would you rather have scissors for hands or rollerblades for feet. Boom, roasted. I get the rose.

Social

Helmet Megan blindfolds Chris 50 shades style and brings out a tray of food. She doesn’t know what any of the 5 senses are, Chris makes out with her anyway. Kardashley is still yapping about her virginity. She tells Chris because he didn’t know what the F she was talking about in the tent. He’s all wow, no one would ever guess that because you dress like that and made me rub your magic lamp belly ring. He licks his lips in anticipation of deflowering her in the fantasy suite. KardASHLEY cries about it anyway. Becca is also a virgin except she didn’t plaster it on a billboard on the 405 and shed tears over it. For that only, I want to chest bump Becca. Do you, girl.

Britt calls Chris out for rewarding Kaitlyn’s T&A with a rose. Chris babbles and stammers much like he does any time someone asks him a real question and then storms off like a teenage girl. All Chris really needed to do was ask Britt why her body is always wrapped around another girl in the house. It’s starting to get weird. But instead…“If any of you think I’m not here to meet my wife, you can SEE YOURSELF OUT,”-dramatic, emo Chris declares to the biddies before the Rose ceremony.

Roses: Kaitlyn, Jade, Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Kardashley, Britt

It’s the end of an era of bat-shit crazy as OP darts out of the house and declares that she feels nothing. That’s exactly what I feared. She swipes an onion pomegranate for the road, and old times sake. We also bid farewell to Juelia and I will never ever miss typing out my name with an extra vowel. Good riddance Extra E.

Best Quotes-

“I like really love you-I hope that resonates with your mind tonight.”-OP hallucinating on horse tranquilizers and declaring jungle love for Chris.

“He can probe at that area later on if he wants”-Ashley describing her chat with Chris in the tent OR describing how she wishes to lose her virginity?

“I want him to be like my grandpa”-Carly about wanting to give Chris sponge baths and wash his dentures.

“I had balls swinging at my face and one of them knocked into me.”-Becca, the OTHER virgin, who’s afraid of ballz

Go forth my bachelorites and never forget the necklace in any of your future endeavors.

Red Carpet, Television

SAG Awards Red Carpet & Recap

Another Sunday and another large glass that has suspiciously filled itself with wine has come and passed. I honestly don’t even remember if I’ve ever watched the SAG Awards before but I can pretty much assure everyone that I never want to watch them again. I punished myself beforehand by watching 2 hours of the E! Red Carpet–mostly for the mani cam (amirite?!) and had to put up with a whole lot of Maria Menunous being awkward and telling people “I Love It,” when she wanted to prove she wasn’t listening to anything they said. Ross Matthews made a lot of jokes that the celebs didn’t laugh at and Kelly Osbourne kept trying to bring the conversation back to Keira Knightley’s dress on more than one occasion. Here are the best and worst looks of the night…

Worst Dressed:

I don’t even know who this is but she will forever be known as the SAG Salsa Dancer.

Amanda Peet, I don’t know what’s going on with the black accents and the diamond poof in the middle but I don’t like it.

This polka-dotted spaghetti strap combo is from an MK&A movie. I’m split though because Andy Samberg is PULLING those frames OFF.

Not digging this dress that looks like a vest on Anna Chlumsky

I don’t care that you’re 17 now Ariel Winter, for pete’s sake put the boobs away for a hot second.

GUYS IT’S ANDREA FROM 90210 aaand she looks rough.

No Jen, no. This is a curtain.

LOVE the color, HATE the chunky waist/bottom.

Oh Lo, why didn’t you clear your dress by LC? The cleave, the slicked hair, the flesh colored dress. Bai.

Mags must’ve been reading my blog and stepped up her frumpy aunt game, selecting a skin hugging white number for tonight. Well, joke’s on you Maggie cause I still don’t love it. I like where your head’s at though, keep working on it. I’ll check back on your progress at the Oscars.

Bridesmaid dress for a Valentine’s Day wedding.

Meryl…dress like you own Hollywood because we all know you do. She looks like she’s 900 attending her own funeral in this outfit.

Off the shoulder+Fur trim on Naomi=tack city

Do I want to take a nap in this because it looks really cushiony? Yes, yes I do. Do I think it looks good? Hard no.

This is a step up from her actual GLAD black garbage bag from the Globes but it’s still supes unflattering and a terrible color.

I like everything about this dress except for the halter neck that reminds me of a bathing suit.

I cannot with Keira this awards season. Everything she wears makes me wonder who allowed her to do so. The color is fab city, but this literally looks like someone wrapped her in scraps from Joann Fabrics and pinned it in the back. Girl has one chance left to redeem herself.

Best Dressed:

Lupy was originally on my worst dressed list, then I went to write something about this dress and realized it had grown on me in like a matter of 20 minutes. She wears it well. Good work Lupdawgs.

Sofia doesn’t stray from the “I have the body of a bombshell and I’m going to throw it in everyone’s face”. Respect.

People are already jumping on Amy’s shit for being pregnant, so like if you’re wondering why Hollywood women don’t eat I can pinpoint the reason why.

Claire Danes wearing the army green and going for something different. I can dig it.

YES Emma Stone making the Tuxedo jacket as a dress look cool, why you ask? Because it has a train and isn’t just her throwing on Andrew’s suit coat with a pair of heels and calling it a day.

This is very princess mystical. (This is me trying to use different words.) Also fun fact: it’s a two piecer.

Felicity Jones in a soft pink looking elegant AF.

Men only make the best dressed if they wear something other than a typical black tuxedo. Props to Jesse.

Julia killin the sexy lace vibe.

I don’t think I love this but I also don’t think I can call it a worst dressed, so you snuck this pantsuit right onto my best dressed list Julezzz.

Great color and super flattering dress, hair is on point too.

Simple yet whimsical for Julie Bowen.

Love the dress…still hate the hair.

I’m a sucker for a good animal print. What can I say.

Maisie crushing it in the red floral dress. Might sneaky be my fave dress of the night.

It pains me to put Maria on the best dressed after listening to her TERRIBLE red carpet interview style, but I like this dress and I’m being the bigger person.

YAS.

Michael Keaton is looking sleek, man! Are those velvet loafers?!

Rashida coming in hot with the baby blue floral number.

Reese is chic’ing all the awards shows so hard this season.

Another fave of the night for me, Sarah Hyland never seems to disappoint.

My gurl Sophia Bush will never end up on a worst dressed list of mine, she could wear a paper bag and make it look good.

Uzo wearing this textured bright yellow was different and it really grew on me. She’s rockin it.

RECAP:

Normally I would do a separate recap of the actual awards show but in this case I can pretty much sum it up in a few sentences. There’s not even a host so instead the awards open with a man announcing people on the red carpet searching for new ways to say they look stunning with quick camera movements to the soundtrack of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Then a few actors talk directly to the camera and tell awkward back stories about their lives, introducing themselves as actors as if we didn’t already know who they are. Glad we sparked things off with the uncomfies, and the awards continue on being stiff and weird.

A fake applause cue mistakenly goes off while Reese is presenting an award and now we all know that no one could be bothered to clap for each other. William H. Macy won something and referred to wife Felicity Huffman as “Flicka”, like the horse. Jared Leto and Lupito Nyong’o present together and Jared spends his time onstage undressing Lupita with his eyes and forcing her to look to the audience for help more than once. Carrie Fisher presents her mother Debbie Reynolds with the lifetime award and gives a nice, long-winded, confusing ancestry.com background just to tell us Debbie is indeed her mom. Also she breathed real hard into the mic. Random observation: SO MANY GLASSES.

Naomi Watts tripped over her own dress at the end of the night and squealed into the mic. Skinny, ponytail-wearing Zach Galifianakis won the night with the only joke when he was pushed up to the mic by his Birdman cast and simply said, “When I was on As the World Turns…” mocking Julianne Moore seriously saying that same sentence moments earlier in her acceptance speech. In the final moment, the actress in Birdman that I don’t even know tried to speak into the mic after the music had already begun and the camera was panning out. The music was cut short, the camera moved back in on her and she gave a generic thank you that essentially reiterated exactly what everyone else said. That single moment can sum up this entire awards ceremony.

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS RELATED TO THE SUPER BOWL THIS WEEK: Budweiser releases some teaser footage of their annual ad full of puppies and horsies. This year’s ad is called “Lost Dog” and I think I speak for all white girls when I say I CAN’T EVEN with these clips and pictures of the wittle baby puppy wandering around lost and scared. Budweiser better deliver that happy ending, I barely sat through Homeward Bound and I cannot handle another pet being lost. We don’t need another Sarah Mclachlan travesty of a commercial on our hands, Bud.

Since we don’t know the outcome of this little guy’s muddy adventure just yet, let’s pick ourselves back up by watching last year’s ad “Puppy Love”

Enjoy crying into your buffalo wing dip this year at the Super Bowl.

2. Ellie Goulding released the music video for Love Me Like You Do off of the Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack. I’m including this for all my 50 Shades Fanatics. I haven’t read the book because if I’m going to read a novel about BDSM I’d prefer that my mom and grandma haven’t read the same one. I probably won’t see the movie either because I saw the chemistry between these two at the Golden Globes and it wasn’t worth a sizzle reel. However, this song is catchy and I can get down with it. So jam out and enjoy some lip biting, long stares and O faces set to Ellie’s magical voice, you wacky sex fiends.

BONUS: In related 50 Shades news this week, apparently the scene from the book including a tampon being ripped from Ana’s vag will NOT be included in the film, which is a shame really because nothing gets me going quite like my uterine wall shedding every month.

3. Chad Michael Murray got married to Sarah Roemer and they’re expecting. Don’t know who Sarah Roemer is? A quick trick to figure out who CMM is dating is to browse the cast list of his most recent TV Show/Movie.

Chad is a co-star whore. It all started with Sophia Bush on OTH, then “allegedly” Paris Hilton on House of Wax and finally he was engaged to extra Kenzie Dalton from OTH for like ever and most recently was Nicky Whelan also his co-star from Chosen (awwkkk these three worked together and he boned both.) He can’t keep his hands home while he’s working apparently. He’s been dating Sarah since August, so it’s obviously reaaall serious. I hope for all One Tree Hill fans that he called Sarah last minute from the airport to get hitched in Vegas. And she showed up and said, You’re a mess, Chad Michael Murray–But you’re my mess. Cue the ambiguous too-deep-for-high-school literature quote:

4. Mrs. Doubtfire to become a musical. Alan Menken who is like the #1 Disney composer revealed that he’s been writing music for the musical version of Mrs. Doubtfire and Harvey Fierstein will be writing the book. Fierstein played the brother who did the infamous Mrs. Doubtfire makeover in the movie. My thoughts on this childhood favorite of mine becoming a musical can be summed up in one word: NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Seriously not everything needs to be sung. Three thousand thumbs down to this idea and the film’s sequel as well. Leave the classic alone, poppets.

5. JLo dished on Watch What Happens Live and continued her fashion tour of “I’m 45 and I’ll leave my tits and ass out as much as I please”.

When asked about her exes, JLo revealed that clearly she doesn’t go for looks, delivering a nice zinger to her ex-husband and father of her children, Marc Anthony. Yeah girl, we know. Also she’s still willing to rob the cradle, which we all assumed by her recent wardrobe choices and her affinity to get reeeall close with her baby costar from the glorified Lifetime movie that came out last weekend “Boy Next Door”. (Unrelated: does anyone wanna go see that with me? Let me know.)

Bonus: Nick Jonas grabbed his junk again. This time in a suit. You’re welcome ladies…

Television

TBT- Lizzie McGuire

Hey guys remember Miranda Sanchez from Lizzie McGuire AKA Lalaine (one name only)? No you dont? Well she wants you to remember her and she also wanted to let everyone know that she’s still friends with Lizzie’s creepy little brother Matt and #1 crush Ethan Craft. That’s why she posted this pic of them all hanging out for the first time in ten years to Twitter & Insta the other day cause they’re a #famBAM, duh.

After some careful research I found that Ethan Craft (Clayton Snyder) is still a smokeshow with great hair and apparently he still has a sense of humor about his claim to fame too:

Unfortunately he no longer acts- he’s a water polo player whose real into tweeting about God.

Our days with Lizzie McGuire teaching us how uncool girls talk to an imaginary cartoon of themselves may be long gone but we still have the memories. I’d like to thank Lalaine for clawing her way back into my peripheral vision for a mere moment, prompting me to google Lizzie Mcguire and find that the internet is a TREASURE TROVE of Lizzie gifs and pictures. Obviously I have to share them all with you…so here are all of the best moments of Lizzie – TV show only, the movie deserves (and probably will get) it’s own blog.

Please press play on this song while you read so that you can truly feel like it’s still 2001. (Also watch in full for killer outfits and a falling montage.)

“Life goes by-Who knows why” -Whoa. That’s deep, grl

1. Between a Rock and a Bra Place. Lizzie and Miranda decide that in order to be popular and cool, they NEED a bra. I understand this logic completely because I too begged for a bra except I wasn’t 13, I was like 10. I finally got a nice neon green shelf/sports bra (two adjustable straps) from Limited Too and rather than wear it under my shirt like most (all) girls should do with bras, I felt that I didn’t actually own a bra until I wore it loud and proud for everyone to witness. That unfortunately meant that for the entire summer following my bra purchase, I wore it as a top under overall jean shorts or sticking out of spaghetti strap tank tops. I pray that my mother didn’t document anything for that three months because it was shameful. But since Lizzie and Miranda deemed it cool, I feel like it’s okay to confess this story to you all. Anyway, Lizzie and Miranda were too scared to tell Mrs. McGuire that they wanted a bra so they made up some phony story to get a ride to the mall and then she caught them red handed checking out white lacy triangle top no padding bras and the jig was up.

Best Quote: “I WANT A BRA!”- This wouldn’t have been that embarrassing to shout if Gordo wasn’t there and instead of laughing it off, he got all the uncomfies because he probably didn’t know what a bra was, or boobs.

2. Bad Girl McGuire. Lizzie gets shuffled in with a bad bitch named Angel (nice one) teasing her and disrupting class and is sent to detention where she decides that she absolutely needs to have tats and piercings to fit in or else she’ll get noogie’d or something. This creates a Lizzie we’ve never seen before who gets into hard drugs and ends up living on the street. Just kidding, she adds colored hair extensions and fake piercings from Claires and calls it a day. Since the only times I was ever sent to detention was for being late to class three times in middle school (my detention=sitting in the principal’s office for lunch) and texting on my cell phone during my high school free period (no…seriously) I also thought that I was going to die if I had to stay in school past 4pm. I guess my gurl Lizzie and I just weren’t meant to be rebels who play it fast and loose.

Best Quote: “Take a chill pill, parents” The SASS, the eyeroll, the use of the phrase CHILL PILL.

Seriously could this fake hair be any worse?

3. First Kiss. Lizzie begins an adorable romance with Ronnie the paper boy (total sonic the hedgehog hair hottie) and they hold hands and roller skate and he gives her her first kiss and a ring that says they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. A RING. Times have reeeallllyyy changed.

Anyway that ring pretty much was equivalent to dog shit in Ronnie’s mind because suddenly he likes another girl and he tells Lizzie about his wandering eye and they break up all in the course of like a week. Gordo who was a raging jelly belly while they were dating, and watched them kiss with a gaping mouth and tears streaming down his face suddenly becomes Lizzie’s shoulder to cry on awwwwwwwwwwwww and he’s still in the friend zone. Duhs.

Best Quote (s):

“And she probably wears bedazzled barrettes with crimped hair better than me…”

4. In Miranda Lizzie Does Not Trust/Inner Beauty. I clumped two Miranda episodes together to make a point–Miranda was the dud of the group who only got attention when she had supes dramatic issues. She was so boring that the Disney Channel sent her to Mexico to visit her grandma while Lizzie, Gordo and even the most minor characters all went to Rome in a feature film. YIKES MIRANDA, sucks to SUCK. Anyway in the first episode that made this blurb, Miranda sticky fingers Sanchez knocks over a lipstick display in the department store and then the security guard finds one in her purse. Miranda’s all whoopsie it was a mistake and Lizzie is all, well you stole extra sugar the other day at the coffee shop or something so you’re probably into grand theft auto. THROW HER IN THE SLAMMER. They get in a fight because Lizzie didn’t have Miranda’s back but like, don’t be a klepto Miranda. Tough stuff, lesson learned. The second episode “Inner Beauty” is where Miranda develops an eating disorder for five minutes because Gordo points out that she eats a lot of snacks. Hey Gordo, all chicks eat a lot of snacks. IT’S HOW WE BREAK UP OUR DAY. Anyway she skips lunch and then faints and then Lizzie and Gordo tell her that she’s a beautiful princess model and she’s like k joke’s over let’s start eating again. Hey Miranda, you may have wacky hair and loud pants but you’re not fooling anyone, you’re a melvin who creates unnecessary drama.

Best Quote: “And uh Ethan Craft uh spotted a cloud he thought looked like a donkey and ran face first into a beehive.” I found this online while looking up the episode quotes and laughed out loud. It’s good to know a show for thirteen year olds still genuinely entertains me.

Don’t arrest me, I’m PATRIOTIC. See?!?!

5. Aaron Carter’s Coming to Town. Saved the best for last obviously. The gang hears that AC is coming to shoot a music video in their town so they scheme up a plan to crash his apparently very low level security studio and meet him/be in the music video. Aaron macks all up on Lizzie under the mistletoe and since he feels bad leaving Lizzie’s lame friends out they all get to be in the music video as fly girls and Gordo stands in the corner sketchily filming the video on his personal camera for later…It’s a liiiitttle creepy that Gordo was always lurking with a video camera, no? The best part is that we get pieces of a real life CHEEEZETASTIC music video out of it (and apparently a romance between Hil and Aaron that continues today…one-sided.) Enjoy.

Best Quote: “Aaron Carter walked on this ground! I’m never wearing these shoes again!”-Miranda…act cool for ONCE.

“Hey Justin, It’s Aaron. I can’t come tonight I’m going to see a girl. HER NAME IS CANDY… and I’ve paid for her time.”

*Bonus Moment: Bye Bye Hillridge Junior High. The last episode that I really remember was when they were about to move on to high school. Woooooffff I’m old. This is when the sexual tension between Gordo and Lizzie is out of control. He wants to write a love letter in her yearbook and she’s set on writing “You rock, don’t ever change” in everyone’s yearbooks and I’ve never loved anything harder. It’s SO much more mature than “Hope your summer’s like toilet paper, long and useful.” or just “HAGS”. Puke. Anyway the episode ends with the 8th grade photo and Lizzie lays one right on Gordo(‘s cheek, c’mon guys it’s Disney) and he has a shit eating grin for the picture. They promise each other that they will always rock and never ever change and it’s so cute that we almost forget that Gordo stays her friend for like an eternity until an Italian pop star tries to embarrass Lizzie–To Be Continued.

Best Quote: “Don’t worry. I’ve got your back, McGuire.”-Gordo ❤

You’ll notice that no where in the best moments of Lizzie did I mention this little cartoon sassmonster

Because it was probably the WORST part of the show. Every time she appeared in her platform flip flops, jean capris and crop top with artfully drawn-in baby boobs I rushed to cover my eyes and ears. Dear Cartoon Lizzie, you’re not funny and you look weird. Boom Roasted.

Also notably missing: Ethan Craft. I found that I didn’t remember him ever being a central part of a story line other than when he was talking about his hair. So here’s your obligatory Ethan quote:

And there you have it, through the highs and the lows Lizzie still managed to be the coolest unpopular girl you will ever meet.

Errrr, or something like that. You rock girl–don’t eva change.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Wack-A-Doodle Time”

Oh, the State of the Union Address from our president was on last night? Well you know what, knowing about world issues is for squares because instead of being informed of news and politics, I was enlightened on how middle aged women groom their bikini areas, or don’t groom—I’m lookin at you, Rinna. Same difference, really.

Kyle organizes a spa day in Santa Barbara to get away from the stress of taking her kid to college and being on family vacation. I fully expect Kyle to start singing “What’s Left of Me” by Nick Lachey as she recounts to Eileen how she dropped off Alexia and now half of her is missing. The gals take a windowless rape van to spa day and talk about their pubic hair en route. Insert Kim’s terrible joke about Harry liking it Hairy. Oh, KIM. Brandi assumes that Lisa doesn’t do her own bikini trimming, she makes Rosia do it. And you know what? She’s probably right.

“I’m a pamper whore,” Rinna confesses before she laughs like a cartoon character and I’ve finally figured out that she IS Kristen Wiig’s parody of Kathie Lee Gifford with less wine. That’s been bothering me for weeks and I’m glad I finally made the connection. Thanks for helping me work through that, guys. Anyway they manage to all get massages without fighting and only a few anal jokes from Brandi and they’re off to a wine tasting that Kyle thought was just a wine pairing, not a tasting (what’s the difference?) and now feels terrible that Kim has to watch everyone “taste” five glasses of wine and not be allowed to stick a straw in Brandi’s nearly empty glass for a quick sippy. Kim takes this time to reassure everyone she’s fine while simultaneously making a bunch of wine jokes like this is her own personal shitty reformed alcoholic comedy show. I assume this is the punishment these girls must face for drinking in front of her. On the rape van ride back, the girls divulge their secret fantasies. Kyle reveals that she wants to be a stripper professionally and the limo screeches to a halt, Brandi’s fake boob is dislodged, Rinna’s face hits the window, slides down the glass and still doesn’t move a muscle and Lisa shouts in the most surprised tone she could muster, “YOU WANT TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION? THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION, KYLE.” Did that really happen? Probably not, but it was really brave of Kyle to share that secret need for people’s eyes on her anyway. Brandi is feeling the courage being passed around so she includes her fantasy of catching her guy banging someone else from behind and suddenly the safe space has closed up and there’s a padlock on the door because everyone looks at her with disgust and tells her she’s a pervert. This basically sums up how all teenage slumber parties go. It’s all fun and games until someone reveals a little too much, then you’re sitting in the lunchroom alone.

Eileen is hosting a poker night because these women can only throw parties that cater to their husband’s talents/interests…(i.e. sing along dinner parties at the Foster home.) For those of you that have forgotten, Eileen’s husband Vincent hosts the world poker tournament or something. Miss Ice “My Maid Gives Me A Bikini Wax” Queen is conveniently on vacation and can’t make the tournament. For anyone whose still not keeping track, Lisa plans things so that she doesn’t have to lower herself to show up to these commoner events. I for one am thankful, because we don’t have to see Brandi and Lisa interact any more than a little pube talk from earlier.

Vincent is dressed in a vibrant magenta button down shirt and will be the moderator of the evening, and I don’t think he’s been to enough drunk tank parties with these ladies to realize just how serious his job will be. He’ll learn soon enough.

The ladies pair off to carpool so that I have more material for my recap, which was truly generous of them. Kim rides in with Rinna and immediately everyone on this planet knows she’s on something because Kim does not hide sloppiness well. Rinna asks her how she is and she just keeps repeating/slurring the word “Ornery”. Full disclosure, because I feel like this is a safe space and we’re all friends, I had to look that word up. Believe me, no one is more disappointed in me than myself that Kim Richards has a better vocabulary than me. Thank God they added closed caption for her incoherent chatter or I wouldn’t even be able to spell it. For the record, if anyone is asking for a friend what it means, it’s defined as ugly and unpleasant disposition/temper or in laymen’s terms: how Kim is acting for the entire evening. But anyway let’s not skip ahead just yet. I didn’t think any limo ride could get worse than the group “you tell your secret if I tell a secret” from earlier but boy it did. Kim talks about how lonely she’s feeling now that her dying ex-husband Monty disappeared (probably to go to Vegas) and no one should feel bad for him, everyone should feel bad for her. Number one lesson in taking care of a sick person. All the sympathy should be with the caregiver, obv. Kim then decides she should maybe start acting again and chooses that very moment to start practicing for the role of drugged out murderous bitch. She nails the part if we’re being honest, glaring at Rinna and calling her disgusting over and over and then telling her to F off. At one point Rinna almost breaks a window and tucks her elbows in to roll out of the moving vehicle like she’s escaping abduction. But alas, they arrive at Eileen’s warm and welcoming American Psycho meets Antique Roadshow home.

The tourney begins and I applaud the producers for suddenly turning a bunch of ladies wearing designer dresses to a game night into cigar smoking bad bitches ready to throw down. Vincent deserves all of the awards in the world for his efforts to teach a bunch of drunk idiots the game of poker. What he quickly learns is that they all have great poker faces because Botox. At the stroke of first call, Brandi rears her ugly alter ego of Boozy Brandi and starts calling all the actresses dumb because they suck at poker and don’t understand what’s going on. Kim peels her head off the table long enough to secure a win and suddenly she’s filled with the youthful energy of Brandi’s last bang buddy. Kim celebrates her and Brandi’s win by doing laps around the house, throwing streamers and setting off fireworks then looks at Kyle and SNEERS, “you jealous we won?” This should’ve been the point where the producers intervened and put baby Kimmy to bed, but obviously the show must go on so that we can watch this train wreck with horror and never look away. Vincent continues to talk to the ladies like he’s reading a storybook to a bunch of restless kindergarteners at the library and they continue to snarl at each other. Brandi then wins the whole tournament and her acceptance speech consists of “I’m the only non-actress here and you’re all stupid.” Mic drop. (Or in this case, award drop).

At the climax of this very realistic portrayal of what I imagine the Real Housewives of Vegas would look like, if it existed, Kyle and Kim go into the bathroom and Kim finally spills the beans, or the pills, that Dr. Monty apparently administered to her for some pain she’s been having. Apparently even on his deathbed Monty can still be an enabler and write a few prescriptions for his recovering addict of an ex-wife. Kim then gets a little sense that maybe she should kick rocks because this poker party is turning into an after school special and Brandi offers to walk her out. Boozy Brandi tells Kim she knows EXACTLY what she’s going through and then latches her talons into Kim’s arm and says that she’ll walk Kim around like a mannequin to say goodbye to everyone so she doesn’t cause any more trouble. At this point I’m having a hard time figuring out whom this tactic is protecting more…Boozy or Pills? Regardless, Kyle tries to get through the human shield that is Boozy so she can talk to Pills and Kyle gets a little too pushy which sets off Boozy who lays a haymaker on Kyle and basically throws her down Eileen’s antique stairs. WILL KYLE SURVIVE THE FALL? Find out next week on an all-new Street Fighters of Beverly Hills. Tough stuff, lesson learned. What’s the lesson to take away, you ask? Don’t call actresses dumb.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- The One Where Jimmy Kimmel Makes it Watchable

*DISCLAIMER: I’d like to apologize for spelling Kaitlyn’s name wrong for my last recap and possibly the one before that. I’m far to concerned with remembering the extraneous E in Julia to focus on Kaitlyn but I lost some sleep over it so it’s RIGHT now.

The episode begins with Jimmy Kimmel being Chris’s wakeup call and although the room is dark we have a single spotlight shining on his six pack as he arises from bed and his sheets artfully cover his morning wood because he was obviously awoken from a dream about rubbing KardASHLEY’s magic lamp.

Jimmy surprises the girls who he refers to as the sister wives, and it becomes clear that I will have a partner in poking fun of these dum dums because Jimmy is taking over this episode and no one is safe from his sarcasm. He also introduces the “Amazing” jar for whoever slips and says it. (Read: Everyone.)

Kaitlyn Date

Kaitlyn wins the first date with Chris and is promised hor d’oeuvres, high ceilings and an amazing view. They’re taken to Costco and Chris is dressed for a salsa dancing class in a purple button down with the top 4 buttons undone so this is a nice twist. Kaitlyn is dressed like Khloe Kardashian with a flannel tied around her waist (did she clear this outfit by KardASHLEY?) They’re shocked that their date is to go grocery shopping like REGULAR couples do. Ugh. So they roll down the aisles of Costco in an inflatable hamster wheel that I’ve decided I NEED. I also will need some children to push me around in it like Chris and Kaitlyn had, child labor on TV style. They make out in the hamster ball, obv. Kids—shield your eyes. Then these two little hamsters get some food and folding tables fit for a trailer park BBQ to make Jimmy dinner. Once they return to Chris’s house they get cooking. By cooking, I mean Chris does all the work and Kaitlyn pours the whiskey. Live look into the teamwork that this relationship is/will be. While swigging their bourbon and cuddling, the two discover that Chris has a little bitch laugh and Kaitlyn has a man’s laugh. In related news, I’ve decided that I hate Chris’s laugh and I hear it WAY too much because he laughs when he’s uncomfortable, usually after he’s made out with someone. And I think we ALL know how often he’s been in that position. Speaking of, Jimmy shows up while Chris and Kaitlyn are feasting on each other’s faces. During dinner, Jimmy asks the hard hitting questions that we’ve all been wondering, like how will you feel when you find out that Chris has taken several ladies to Penetration Land aka the Fantasy Suite. Kaitlyn earns a rose by saying that she won’t mind because you have to test drive the car before you buy it. Kaitlyn is diving HARD for the I’m a bro and love casual sex award, we’ll see if this pays off in the end.

Group Date

The theme of our first group date of the night is working on a farm, Napoleon Dynamite, Jimmy Kimmel style. Jillian, the walking black box censor, kicks off the competition with a serious case of ‘roid rage on some undeserving ears of corn. Since her ass is perpetually on display, the goat Jillian tries to milk next is too afraid of how hairy it is and won’t produce any milk for her. Carly the cruise ship singer on the other hand, gets her some goats milk STAT and tells us that she’s lactose intolerant right before she chugs it. YEEHAWWW get this girl a diaper QUICK. Jillian finally wrangles her goat and is hot on Carly’s tail so she decides to jump the pig fence to get ahead and of course they show this jump in slow motion and it’s just as glorious as when Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez laced up his new PF Flyers and jumped the Beast’s fence, except with a lot more ass crack. Our girl Carly wrangles a pig first and gets the W and I’m hoping she gets to a bathroom before that warm milk sloshing in her stomach turns into a real shit storm. Before she can, however, Jimmy has Chris pose with her for an American Gothic portrait and Jimmy also has to explain to all the ladies what this famous painting actually is and I’m assuming flash cards are involved.

After the competition, Chris slobbers on a bunch of girls to the ominous and creepy soundtrack of Anastasia or something. Mackenzie, the brightest dental assistant in the group of unemployed and aspiring makeup design technicians, comes right out and asks Chris why he’s kissing everyone else and not just her? Although it’s a valid question to ask why Chris insists on shaking hands with his mouth before he even chats with a girl, Mackenzie, the one who tallies their kisses in a diary, wasn’t exactly the right person to call him out for it. Chris clears his throat a lot in response and doesn’t have a good reason, when really he could’ve just told Mackenzie to go shave her back now and I would’ve been satisfied (or not given her a rose). Becca stands out in the group of hungry Barbies and gives Chris some cheek (not the kind that Jillian is giving) because she doesn’t want to catch the herps that everyone’s swapping around. And he’s like no it’s cool I have to work for it, which obviously means giving her a rose so that he can get to know her tonsils.

Whitney Date

Whitney calls her one on one date with Chris a “formal date”, yet she shows up in a jean vest over a hot pink 8^th grade shelf bra cami from Limited Too with white jeans and a necklace made of pooka shells. Chris has decided to color coordinate and they look like a couple of cotton candies heading to dinner at The Max. Chris tells Whitney he likes people who can make friends and go with the flow, therefore Whitney the try-hard screeches LET’S CRASH THIS WEDDING. Whit breaks the cardinal rule of wedding crashing; don’t wear what the bride is wearing. Oh the bride isn’t also wearing white jeans? Never mind. She changes into a formal gown, thank GOD but their evening wear can’t save them because they do no prep work to coordinate their stories and it’s almost as if the producers are going to go over to the wedding party and ask if they can film it and also have them all sign releases. Regardless, Chris has his panties in a wad that they’ll get arrested. If I could arrest him for how bad he is at making small talk at weddings I would’ve had him thrown in jail to think about what he’s done and replay his awful dad dance moves. Chris really dropped the ball on socializing and Whitney steps into the role of future Mrs. Soules and obviously doesn’t take it too seriously. She gets a rose for being able to hold a conversation with strangers who know you’re crashing their wedding. PS-If you bring a gift, you are officially the LAMEST uninvited wedding guests in America. “Officer, arrest these two for asking to come to my wedding, bringing a camera crew and a set of crystal stemware, THEY ARE DEVIANTS. “

*To be clear–Whitney still has the voice of 1000 Mickey’s being shoved down a garbage disposal so this date felt like it lasted for centuries.*

Pool Party

There was no social before the rose ceremony last night, instead there was a pool party, giving the girls an opportunity to put on a full face of makeup, bikini and stilettos and wet their heads with beach waves hair spray to create the illusion that they actually went swimming.

JuElia sees that Chris is having fun horsing around in the pool so it’s obviously the perfect time for her to take him aside and tell him about her husband who horrifically committed suicide. Side (but important) note: Chris is wearing a leather-braided necklace during this extremely uncomfortable and detailed conversation. They follow up a heavy and terribly depressing topic that should never have been exploited for TV with a super relevant ad from The Bachelor: THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE FAMOUS?! If that doesn’t end in a lawsuit I don’t know what will.

Jade gets a tour of Chris’s house including the bedroom, where they have a steamy make out session on his bed set to 70’s porn music. I’d like to shake hands with the music supervisor for this show. Meanwhile, Jillian lurks in the hot tub waiting to pounce for the sloppy seconds fifteenths. They have a minute together (full of swapping spit) and then the terrible three comprised of KardASHLEY, Mackenzie and Megan (who should think about putting that helmet back on) come and ruin it. KardASHLEY is upset that she did her “Kardashian look” and isn’t getting any attention or rubs to her belly ring region, so she runs off and cries about it. KardASHLEY has become the cheap plastic stemware rolling down the driveway of the entire pool party. She snags Chris finally to laugh/cry to him that she misses him and we all know the formula by now, tears=make outs. When Chris asks KardASHLEY if she’s crying or laughing and she replies both, it hits a little too close to home because I also spend two hours every Monday simultaneously crying and laughing that my life has come to watching girls fight over hot tub minutes.

Roses (in order): Kaitlyn, Becca, Whitney, Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Onion Pomegranate, Nikki, Jillian, KardASHLEY (Last. RECOGNIZE YO PLACE, GIRL…less crying, more laughing.)

Memorable Quotes

“It’s warm and salty. Not things I like in my mouth.”-Does it really matter who said this? The producers/writers of this show are clearly just F-ing with us.

“It kinda like fuels a fire under my butt”-Jade talking about her competition OR Carly after chugging a glass of goat’s milk? You decide.

“You are a man and I am a woman and I just want to take advantage.”– Carly before she makes out with Chris making a SOUND argument for feminism.

“Whatever you do don’t be yourself, be someone who gives better speeches.”-Kimmel summing up everything that makes me cringe about this show. Seriously, Chris, no more rose speeches. Revert to what you know…massaging everyone’s throats with your tongue.

I seriously tried to make this shorter because I understand that I wrote a novel longer than anything these bachelorettes have ever read for last week’s recap. Bear with me, I’m on the learning curve of being a brand new Bach-consumer. I hope that we can learn from this amazing journey together.

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. I missed the Critics Choice Awards last night. That’s on me. And reading about it is giving me FOMO because apparently any awards show that I DON’T watch is when things happen: Michael Strahan hosted and did a Magic Mike routine, John Kraskinski & Emily Blunt were cute as shit and Kevin-Silver Fox-Costner won a lifetime award. Whatever. Here’s the worst looks:

And the best looks:

2A. Even though I did a full recap and fashion blog on the Globes, there were some worthy next day shots of after party outfits that deserved to be addressed. (Mainly I can’t go without giving props to my girl Tay.) Here are some of my fave outfits for people who were cool enough to party but not enough to attend the awards.

To be clear, Taylor is the best dressed here.

2B. While we’re on the topic of Jennifer Aniston, let’s discuss another tidbit to come after the Globes. Remember when Billy Bob Thornton accepted his Golden Globe for Fargo and basically said everything he says gets him in trouble so he’ll just say thank you? Apparently Billy didn’t apply this rule to his post-Globes interviews. When asked to play Would You Rather with Jen Aniston or Reese Witherspoon, Billy revealed it’s his life goal to take Jen to poundtown. No word on if he would also like to exchange vials of blood with her but I’ll be happy to keep you posted on the matter. (Shoutout to Den for the goss. tip)

3. Kelly Clarkson came out of what I can only assume was retirement (it’s been a while) and released Heartbeat Song, which is a great jam so get groovin to it this weekend. Also her bowling ball head child named after a body of water produced it or something.

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It's here…the first official #HeartbeatSong teaser! Share on KellyClarkson.com – Team KC #River

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4. Idina Menzel will be singing ~~Let it Go~~ The National Anthem at the Superbowl. You know what would be REALLY patriotic? If I could go five minutes without getting the song Let it Go stuck in my head. America has ruined winter, Idina Menzel and everything snowman related with that damn song and I just want to live my life Let it Go free. If there are ANY superbowl promos that play this song when announcing her singing the national anthem I will LITERALLY chop both of my ears off because I will no longer be needing them in this Let it Go world. If we’re being honest I’m actually surprised there aren’t more ear cutting incidents with parents of small children who probably play this song/movie on repeat. End rant. (Just so we’re clear just typing the song title that many times ensured that the song is in my head for the rest of the day). Also John Legend will be singing America the Beautiful and this I can stand behind wholeheartedly. John has the voice of an angel and I will approve of him serenading forever and ever.

5. Mariah Carey is banished to Vegas. Not a minute too soon really….Just kidding, she should’ve been shipped to Vegas for her show girl act roughly circa 2001. Props to her for trying to stay relevant for as long as she did. I’m gonna go ahead and assume her abomination of All I Want For Christmas Is You at the NYC tree lighting this year pretty much sealed the deal. If you’re looking for the revival of butterflies and rhinestone frocks, be sure to pre-order your tickets now to see her Vegas act at Caesar’s Palace (side note: do you think the real Caesar lived there? Asking for a friend. You’re welcome for bringing back a 5 year old movie quote.) Also in other sad sap Mariah Carey news her baby husband Nick Cannon has filed for divorce. YIKES. Getting the D bomb AND the Vegas act all in one week. #ThoughtsandPrayers

Announced on Ellen, dressed in THAT.

Music

TBT- Best of One Tree Hill Mix

Since it’s Thursday I thought it would be an approps time to throw it back to the years when I pretended that I lived in Tree Hill, North Carolina and was friends with a bunch of cool kids who got married, started clothing labels, became touring singers and had babies in high school. Obviously this show was the most realistic it could have been and that’s why it holds a special place in my heart and I hope many* of yours too. (*could be an exaggeration) There’s no better way to share my love for One Tree Hill than through a mix tape of the best songs from seasons 1-9 and obviously I’ve accompanied each song with commentary and back story so that you can relive all of the drama and all of the feels. I realize that this was really Peyton of me to make a mixtape and I can assure you that while there may be some downers on this mix, I tried to keep them at minimum.

When The Stars Go Blue-Haley James & Chris Keller (OR Bethany Joy Lenz & Tyler Hilton). I hate to start you off with the song that sparked the ALMOST Naley annulment but we needed to address the tough stuff right away. These two sound fab togets but obv Chris couldn’t keep his hands home and had to go and ruin everything for half of the series…glad he was able to make his triumphant comeback in Season 9 though, no hard feelsies.
Non-Believer-La Rocca. Let me just preface this by saying that I started out making this with every intention of keeping the songs in order so you could properly relive their story, but it just didn’t flow the way it should have. So we’re going to do some jumping around. This was one of those supes dramats songs that Peyton was all “music heals everything and makes it better”. I’m pretty sure she whipped this one out when Hayles was casj in a coma while 8 months preggo after Nathan sacrificed her for some point shavinz. It’s included because it’s actually a rare upbeat choice from Ms. Sawyer…the rest made me want to slit my wrists.
The Funeral-Band of Horses. This jam is off one of the offish. soundtracks that I actually bought in CD form back in the day when people purchased CD’s, so you know it’s an OTH classic. It can have some downer tones, but I tried my hardest to only have a couple depressing songs on this mix and try to keep it surprisingly upbeat for a show that had casj school shootings/murders and pro athletes in wheelchairs with mullets. I’m pretty sure the funeral was used a couple different times, no doubt over some dramats scenes with Lucas quoting a book.
Let Me Fall-Bethany Joy Lenz. This one is added SOLELY for some lawlerskate times. Remember back in the day when Limewire was the way to get music, right around the time of AIM? Yeah I wanted this song but since she never recorded it officially, my only option was directly from the show. So TBT to this episode, you’ll know EXACTLY what’s going on because each person blabs during Haley’s performance…like have a little respect guys, it’s her first time singing in public and she’s being a baby bitch about it. Enjoy.
World Spins Madly On-The Weepies. Another sadsie. But I just made you laugh so it’s ok…I planned that, obv. This one plays after Peyton finds Ellie dead, which is a real buzzkill considering the episode it happens in was a fire flames one. Basically everyone gets back together during the storm and bangs and then Peyton goes and ruins everything by having her birth mom die and bringing her their mixtape that they made togets. Damn you, Peyton.
Halo-Haley James Scott. (Not Kidding that’s exactly how they wrote it on the CD.) OTH got real savvy with their mixes that they released every season and this one was the actual mixtape that Peyton produced with previously mentioned dead mom, further blurring reality and TV, which obviously just made me feel like I was actually a part of Tree Hill more than is normal. But this is by FAR Hale’s best jam. Even Nathan was like k cool this is good let’s stay married. He didn’t want to be hitched to a one-hit wonder probably.
Someday-Bryan Greenberg. Such an underrated character/storyline. Jake & Peyton were a whiny/we have adult problems at 16 match made in heaven. And of course she was like btw I dream about Lucas and probably love him or something. I still don’t understand how she could make that declaration AFTER he performed this song for her live, confessing his love. Also legit great song, I actually wish he was a musician more than an actor.
Babe I’m Gonna Leave You-Led Zeppelin. This is an actual hardcore throwback. Back to the days when Den had a mullet and was in a band called Zipper. (WOOF). This is a generally good song, but I also cannot listen to it without thinking of Nathan, Rachel & Cooper being immersed in the river with Haley in her wedding dress wailing at the top of the bridge. AND THEN THE CRACKER JACK BRACELET SURFACES IN THE WATER. At that point in time, I DIDN’T KNOW IF NATHAN WOULD MAKE IT. Okay, I need to stop…too many feels. Classic rock magic.
Feel This-Bethany Joy Galeotti Ft. Enation. Ok now we’re in the days where Jamie is a cutie little bear & not an actual large bear with braces, obviously we’re doing our best not to mention Jimmy Jam because he should’ve stayed a baby forever instead of ruining the series. Hales is all, I wanna be a mom and a teacher and also a pop star. And Nathan’s all go for your dreams because I can walk now and I will be a pro athlete again and pretend I never had a mullet or paralysis. So she starts recording again, a little weirder stuff, but still ok. Everything after this should be forgotten because that’s when she starts singing about spaceships or something. This should’ve been her retirement song.
No Good-Kate Voegele. Speaking of Hales going pop star, Kate (or Mia in the show) was the one who gave her the inspiration. The weirdo with a hoodie in a band with gangstah Kevin Federline. Since the show basically brought her fame, every single song she recorded was also featured on OTH. I chose this one because it’s a good FU song for when you’re feeling feisty. Mia performed it for the first time and was being a pussybitch about it but then saw that wigga KFed was there and decided to deliver him a cold serving of I’m onstage and you’re not. YOU’RE NO GOOD KFAT.
Wedding Dress-Matt Nathanson. Hey remember when they teased at Peyton dying a bunch of times before deciding the best way to write her out would be to just have her drive away? Kewl guys. This was death scare number 2 in season 6. Her and Lucas FINALLY got married and they’re being all adorbsies when ALL OF THE SUDDEN Peyton starts bleeding out all over her wedding gown. Always with the dramatics, Peyton. She died for just enough time for everyone to cry about it. Then lived and had a healthy 2 year old baby. Pretty realistic.
Within You-Ray LaMontagne. Sad song again. It’s been a while though so I thought it was time. This was played a couple times that were boo-hootastic. First was when Brooke dumps Lucas after the grand Naley wedding/drownfest. She was so mature and was like hey by the way peace out because you can’t keep your eyes or your mouth off my BFF. It was kind of sad but more so annoying. Who cheats on Brooke? Honestly. Second time was when they had graduated and they all left their lame HS house party to play basketball at the river court and deface public property with graffiti. Jk. This was actually kind of sad because it was HIGH SCHOOL graduation and one of them was already going home early to check on her fresh baby. “We’ll always be friends, I know it. In four years we’ll be back here together.”-Brooke (or the writers, guaranteeing a 5^th season).
Whiskey-Jana Kramer. I can’t believe I made you wait this long for our fave little cutter-slut Alex Dupre. This was when she decided to be a good person and show everyone she’s also a country singer. She performed this at Tric in a sparkly mini skirt and won Tree Hill’s hearts back. What a gem she was.
Half Moon-Blind Pilot. This was played in the series finale when they were flashing back to the HS days and reflecting on their choices. They were SO old and wise by the end of the series…oh wait they were all roughly OUR AGE and married with kids. Crushing young adult life.
Almost Everything-Wakey!Wakey!. Another band that OTH incorporated into the show and then played every one of their songs. I don’t hate it. In fact I had quite the difficult time picking the right one for this mix because I really dig them all. So this band was Grubbs the bartender in the show who miraculously had singing talent and would only record if he could also bang the British record lady. ADORBZ. Most of his songs were played in the season 7 finale when Haley is just peeking out of her creepy depression after her mom died. Not to be insensitive, but she set her piano on fire…So this song is happy because she’s like trying to smile and not drown herself and they’re all in Utah having some happy snow times.
The Good Kind-The Wreckers. Here we are throwing it back again to season 2 when Haley chooses music over Nathan (sob) and tours with The Wreckers. Also always thought it was random nation that Michelle Branch was popping up in epis of OTH. Haley fangirls all over them and they’re like Haley you’re actually so talented and she’s like really? Ok I’ll leave my husband and tour with you guys then! And they’re like we didn’t offer. JK they did. Whatevs. #StillBitter.
I Want Something That I Want-Grace Potter & Bethany Joy Galeotti. When Haley first starts thinking about music again post-Jamie and Nathan’s dead legs miraculous recovery, she’s like I don’t even know if I’m good anymore wah wah I miss singing for fun. And so she randomly shows up at a park and starts singing with this street performer broad. And they start playing the same song and harmonizing as if they’ve practiced or something. And that’s how Haley James Scott got her groove back.
Loaded Gun-Tyler Hilton. There’s a million Chris Keller songs to pick from but I wanted music from the funny/dum dum Chris Keller that we actually liked from the last season rather than homewrecker/douchebag Chris Keller from the first 3 seasons. He rocks this one out at Tric when he’s trying to impress a label exec and stick it to her. This is before he saves Nathan from Russian ‘nappers. What a bossman.
Us Against The World-Coldplay. Whoops last sappy song I promise. This is the song they play when Dan dies and has a fake(? Still unsure about that one) conversation with Nathan at the river court and they forgive each other and it gets really dusty in the room and a piece gets stuck in my eye and it starts to maybe water a little bit. Then Keith comes back and picks up Danny and they carpool to heaven (Keith gives Dan a guest pass I’m assuming). So like yeah, it’s sad and stuff but when you think about how weird it was it’s not too bad. Also he was a murderer so let’s not casj let that one slide by.
Solder-Gavin DeGraw. I could’ve easily taken the cheap route and put the theme song last but honestly I know you’ve heard it 70000 times and we can all agree that season 7’s hipster variations of it each episode essentially ruined it for me. So I chose this one because it was in the series finale when Gavs came back for a Tric appearance and Haley sounded like a circus announcer (never forget). It’s a sweet song & I wanted to end this debauchery down memory lane on a sweet note, so there you have it.

There is only one Tree Hill, & it’s your home.

it’s fictional.

Even though it’s fictional DOES not mean it didn’t give us lots of feels, which is why I’m not ashamed to have given you this mix. Play it on repeat, always……………………….and forever.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Author Archives: Thesaltyju

#TBT- High School Dance Playlist

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Just A Scratch”

The Bachelor- A Date Made for Bimbos, A Show Made For Bimbos

SAG Awards Red Carpet & Recap

Weekly JUice

TBT- Lizzie McGuire

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Wack-A-Doodle Time”

The Bachelor- The One Where Jimmy Kimmel Makes it Watchable

Weekly JUice

TBT- Best of One Tree Hill Mix