RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Breaking Branches”

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Apparently Bravo does not find it necessary to give us a reprieve from the housewives during the holidays. This is late because I had to do 1 million things with my family and not one of them was watch a bunch of grown ass women donate their expensive designer gowns to homeless women to wear to the soup kitchen. Shocking, I know. Anyway, Bravo heard our Christmas wishes and delivered a little meat to this season by FINALLY having a full episode with all the women socializing (and being catty) in one room. We’re getting somewhere here.

The long talked about and much needed housewarming party for Brandi arrived and it was important for us to relish this moment because there is no telling how long Brandi will have this home before she’s couch surfing again. Brandi is on the same page when she said, “I really love this house, hopefully I can keep it.” This MUST be celebrated. Brandi chose to celebrate by wearing a dress that barely covered her nipples and then having to uncomfortably adjust it all night so as not to scare her guests away who she had finally tricked into believing that she is classy. Joke’s on you, goons. While the other ladies have a full wait staff at their “barbeques”, Brandi puts her mom to work full time while she gets her hair and makeup done and tapes her boobs. Maybe she does belong after all.

The party was going swimmingly with several shocked tones of “this house is ACTUALLY nice,” when the air suddenly turned frosty and it felt like time stopped. Up pulled a black limo and out stepped a pair of inconveniently tall gold and black stripper heels attached to the legs of whom else, but the ICE QUEEN. She struts through the house (letting herself in, obviously) and silences the crowd upon her arrival. Lisa has graced the minions with her presence and no one is quicker than Brandi to lap that shit right up. To make matters even more dramatic we are introduced to Leeza Gibbons and there are now two Lisas and a Leeza at one Hollywood party. It’s like they’re trying to force us to use our brains while watching this or something. At least Leeza had the decency to spell her name like a hooker with a heart of gold or else we’d never know whom Brandi is talking about. After Lisa and Brandi spout inspirational quotes at each other much like you would find hanging in your doctor’s office waiting room, they’ve apparently squashed their beef. Obviously in her aside, Lisa reveals to us that she’s doing this just so Brandi will shut the F up and she’s clearly not over it. Lisa continues her domination of this party parade by chatting it up with Brandi’s parents and reminding them that their daughter is an asshole and the parents are usually to blame. She lets that sink in before she uses the party to remind everyone of her charity for dressing homeless teens in designer gowns. Some incredibly awkward toasts are made to Brandi mentioning her divorce and overall poverty and then it’s time for goodbyes. Brandi and Lisa have a cringeworthy goodbye where Brandi basically shouts, “ARE YOU HAPPY YOU CAME? BUT REALLY…ARE YOU?” while Lisa strong-arms Brandi away. Then Brandi latches onto Ken for some air kisses and demands for Ken to look into her soulless eyes. All in all I would say it was a heartfelt reunion. Speaking of heartfelt reunions, lest we forget about Brandi’s most recent reunion, ghost of gaudy jewels past, Adrienne makes another appearance with her under aged boyfriend Jacob and it’s becoming quite clear that they’re phasing her back into the cast and let me be the first to say that I hate it. Spin on those Maloof hooves and see yourself outta here, Adrienne.

After the party, our new characters continue to keep a classy image of themselves on the outskirts of the friend group. Rinna is cool as shit still and we see her co-host Access Hollywood and earn her keep on this show. She just wants to stay young and work forever. Preach. Eileen tries to also show how hard to she works by doing some paddle boarding to stay fit. She lies and says she loves working out, then sneaks in that she also loves donuts. I feel your pain, gurl. She’s still not as cool as Rinna though. While these two are being active members of society, Kyle is at home reminding us all that no one in her family knows how to do laundry, cause maids. Also, this just in: EXTRA, EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT-PORTIA MAKES HER OWN SANDWICH! Kyle and Mauricio applaud this as if Portia has just cured Ebola and then quickly get teary eyed over Alexia going to college and leaving them alone with the little sandwich-making monster.

Okay enough of that bullshit, let’s get right to group hang number two of this episode, the charity tea for homeless girls who want new dresses for all the formal balls that they attend, held at Pump, Lisa’s newest restaurant venture. It seems that Lisa went ahead and had the opening without inviting anyone and both Yo and Kim did NOT forget. Bravo also wants to make sure we don’t forget that Lisa and Brandi are awkward as shit together because they have them interact as much as possible at this tea. This needs to stop immediately because it’s making me suuuuper uncomfy every time they spend 5 minutes staring at each other and speaking in weird high pitch voices about how they’re not fine but they are fine. Brandi rips an olive branch off of the tree at Pump to extend it to Lisa and everyone stares and opens their mouths as wide as their Botox will allow. Lisa tells Brandi with her eyes that branch destruction has just added another strike to her name and Eileen astutely observes that maybe Brandi and Lisa have a complicated history. Then Brandi tries to make up for murdering wildlife and offers to do some sexual downstairs things to Lisa, as one normally does. (I’ve cleaned this up courteously, which Bravo didn’t feel the need to do and I’m scarred forever.) Since it’s a lot of work for women to be approps at all times while having tea in a classy establishment, they have a full discussion of cunninglingus and good ole foreign Yolanda has to ask what it means. What a precious doll. Eileen thinks every one of these women is a dumpster monster for discussing “pussy” over tea and obviously she’s above hanging with such trailer trash.

In efforts not to brand this conversation in the viewers’ memory forever, we end instead on a lunch after the tea with everyone but Lisa. This lunch is clearly scheduled into the production schedule so that they can all talk shit about Lisa and the newbies can get “caught up” as if they’re clueless. Eileen stages an ask about Brandi and Lisa even though she previously said at the tea that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Again, she is an Emmy award-winning actress. The ladies try to catch everyone up to speed being as least catty as possible because they’ve learned their lesson that Lisa will just see them talking shit on TV and have actual hard evidence. It’s like they’re learning or something and I’m just so proud of these mature adults who grew so much since they were discussing sex acts over high tea just a mere minutes earlier.

Honorable Mention Moment: Remember the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge? Oh you do? Well let’s relive it. Rinna does the challenge on Access Hollywood in some fancy workout gear and then Yo accepts at Lisa’s charity tea because her friend has ALS and she’ll do anything to help the cause. Volunteering herself for an icy water dump probably had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a full white outfit. I gotcha producers, WINK.

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